I've noticed that there is a relationship to the word PERFECTION within me what is in fact Self-dishonesty.
I see a Self-dishonesty within myself and then I investigate by writing and then I am exploring Self-forgiveness to be aware of the responsibilities and then I write the Self-correction and Self-commitment - yet I do see what would mean to express ABSOLUTE Self-honesty - yet I let points to remain unclear/reactive/probable within the reaction towards a Self-definition: this will take time, so I must push myself TOWARDS perfection instead of immediately and absolutely change myself regarding to the specific point of Self-dishonesty.
I am still accepting and allowing a path, a some sort of attainment towards Self-perfection within the inherent Self-definition that it's gonna take time - and this is based on how I've started to work with Self-forgiveness on myself to change in 2007.
Because at first when I've realized the common sense and the reality of the Process of Self-forgiveness, I was like: "Alright, I am going to stop the mind, no fucking around, let's do this" - and after some weeks, I was like WTF, I am still in this mind, of this mind, so then the tools are not effective?
And then I've started to write to my blog regularly, about a couple times in a month and then slowly but surely I've started to change.
However the inherent nature, the core of the personality, what I've developed throughout at least 28 years, the same patterns every day, every hour, every minute - that is accumulated to a degree what I can not change in a single blink of an eye with any fancy perpetual perception of 'realization' - because that realization is still of and as the mind.
Realization exactly means that I can bring it to earth, within a stable, constant expression - that's why it is referred as 'REAL I's at I on standing in each breath of each moment.
So when I've realized that all the spiritual tools I've been using and taking refugee into was merely a mind-altering inner bubble with I could play the inner elite meanwhile what physically I did, with I've really participated within reality, society, humanity - was just like the same as before, as everybody else did - yet I was able to shift my perception towards that 'I am in fact already different, I am enlightened, I am fucking clued myself into heaven from hell already' - and that was just a feeling, however within the starting point of Self-dishonesty - I did not realize.
And the Desteni- realization was that this is the greatest lie I've been participating since my birth - and that was my first point to face - when the shit hits the fan, and then within the starting point of Self-honesty, within the principle of Equality and Oneness - I was able to see that everything I've manifested through and as my starting point was not really myself as Self-honesty, but of Self-definition of Self-fear.
Then I've started to APPLY Self-forgiveness, I've realized that I was able to become aware of the patterns within the active self-movement of Self-honesty about what I participate within currently is not real, not physical, not equal as one with and as myself inside and outside.
That was an other realization so then I was pushing the point of WRITING and SAYING Self-forgiveness aloud, to allow to resonate within and as my SOUND expression that I realized I was living in a lie but I am ready to change, I am becoming aware of what I am not.
And then I already wanted to see the result in the physical - to see myself changed, for instance stopping the thoughts, stopping the emotional nastiness - what did not happen.
What happened was that I was able to face directly points in the way I was writing about but only those specific points - and my writing was always showing equal and one how much I am aware of the point - and if that was not exactly how physically I am manifested within the Self-dishonesty - then I've missed the point, I did not change - physically - inside I've already changed, but still from an 'observer' and not a 'doer' point.
For instance, to give a practical example for this: since basic school, I've always remembered myself as shy and suppressive towards women - probably mostly because of the programs I've manifested into myself through fear from fear, through watching and judging and reacting to sex-magazines, sex-tapes, girls in the bathroom, girls in the gym and I was not really able to talk directly to them because I was in fear that they might see that I am really striving for some connection with them yet I already become exceptionally aroused and excited within their presence what I was ashamed of and I've judged myself because I've compared myself to what I've read, what I've seen in media and others doing for instance in the school there were some who did kissing and I did not know how the guys managed to do so meanwhile not having an obviously visible big erection.
So that was one of my biggest point in my childhood until at university I've started to explore with a real partner.
And that to change, what I've been reacting to and participated within throughout many-many years (at least 10 until having a real partner while on being drunk).
So then that I was able to suppress for instance with a singular blotter of LSD for a while when my mind and all of my definitions were liquified and was not really in the way of my perception and expression yet it was within and as me - and after the substance went off - it was my nature, it was my attitude, my starting point what I did not change, so even when I was able to clear off my mind - everything just came back quite similar - if not more complicated with some twist within - as it was before and then I had to notice that I did not change but I've got some knowledge and some enormous amount of energy.
And with that energy I was able to embrace this point - but when the energy was off, then I was the same, the suppressive, shy guy who I was before.
And that is just a point from many, the shy suppressed, overexcited boy towards girls.
And with drugs I was able to experience myself NOT being bothered with the points, and see some stuff a BIT MORE clearly within me and my mind - and that helped - but what I've screwed up is that I identified the solution with actually taking the substances and not seeing these as these are - a momentary bridge, a tool to see my mind how much I've screwed up - but the REAL CHANGE I must manifest by myself in the moment without anything else but myself here as the decision WITHIN the practical application of the certain specific change.
And for that I've chosen spiritual tools, zazen+aikido first and then tibetan buddhism - however these also effected and in fact affected me and my mind's relationship similarly as the drugs - but I did not see that back then - so I was busy pushing both more and more - the drugs, and the meditation - yet I was always hitting the rock bottom when facing that I've believed that I am already changed yet within reality it was obvious that I did not change because:
-first of all - because I've separated myself to two parts within my perception of inside what I've realized and defined myself already being that, only that, repeating: ALREADY that what I thought through -- with the actual reality within my body was wandering existing within conflict and without: self-direction and self-power and consistency.
-secondly: because with the same points I've kept 'falling' into the habits of what I've already realized if I would have power over myself, I'd already stopped doing so: porn, irresponsible money spending, working as a good-paying slave for fools and still not being able to be within a harmonic and really-supporting and caring relationship within consistency;
-thirdly: also seeing that I still allow being influenced by others regardless of judging it as avoidable, but still playing the 'wanting to be seen as good' role because within I've judged myself as 'not so good' and this self-definition I've put as my starting point within the mind based on positive and negative energy polarities - I was like a really-really complicated, encrypted, compressed perpetum mobile, with *
-fourthly: * I was only able to do is to shatter and explode everything within and as me with extremely intense mind- and physical experiences within what I had some glimpses and moments of what the fuck is going on and at times for instance I was able to write down stuff or I was able to 'bring down' or 'remain resonating it in my essence' - but that was so random, so then I had to walk through so many experiences what I've reacted to with the already going on self-accepted programs so then I was distracted so many-many-many times, what obviously I've judged with thoughts again and turmoil and conflict I've regularly experienced within
-and finally fifthly: this conflict I've defined within and as myself, the experience of extremes of energetic polarities I've defined as myself, the energetic movements I've defined as myself - for example this yogi/kundalini/phowa/chakra/feelings 'practices' I did regarding to the spiritual shit I've learned from tibetan/steinerist/indian/egyptian books and scriptures - that specifically encouraged me to do so and that made the internal feedback system more and more alive, strong and in fact quite rude within and as the manifestation of thoughts/feelings/emotions with what I was still identifying myself directly and trusting these as myself directly and within that disregarding the simplicity and common sense of breathing here
So that was the prologue for how and why I've manifested myself separated from direct, immediate, absolute Self-correction within Self-perfection and definitely I am going to continue this.