[JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible

 Life-Support for Facing Consequences:

• Process of Change - Reptilians - Part 161
• Manifested Consequence - Lao Tzu
• Prioritizing Awareness is the Key to Enlightenment - Life Review

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within anger I am blaming myself and seeing what I not really am yet I do not let it go, yet I do not immediately and constantly stick to physical practicality to stabilize myself within what I am seeing as not myself and then accepting it and then seeing it I am becoming angry at myself because then I am directly responsible and then judging myself as powerless without even realizing I am within self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I feel myself good and I judge myself as feeling good is the very same energetic mind what I am experiencing when I am feeling bad and screwed up and not realizing that the two polarities together creates the movement of the mind and my automatic self-definition systems which through then I judge and define myself who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I am feeling good then it must be bad because of the polarity of the mind instead of realizing that if I am myself here and I remain undefined - then I can be free of the polarity manifestations of the mind as good and bad, positive and negative what requires stabilization, commitment and motivation within principled living and in the moment I am taking self-direction automatically granted by whatever reason - in fact I am within hope, in fact I am within self-defeat of playing casino system and not realizing that awareness is only real when I am myself here in every moment of every breath regardless of what I define, what I apparently feel and what by I apparently judge my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of that I move automatically towards a self-perceived definition of feeling good to manifest when I define myself as feeling bad only.

I forgive myself that I have not written this realization of polarity of feeling good and bad as self-definition of and as the mind because within myself I still hold onto that 'thinking about something is enough' instead of realizing that thoughts are of context, thoughts are of circumstances and I am of circumstances by thoughts if I do not stabilize myself within self-realization in and as the physical consistently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my purpose as seeking pleasure and entertainment because within pleasant feelings and entertaining myself I experience positive reactions within and as my mind and not realizing that this is a bubble what will eventually burst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself feeling good when starting a new computer game within I feel myself good and then enjoying to explore and then enjoying mastering myself within meaning becoming good within it's doing meaning the game's system is rewarding me with goodies such as giving more and more gift to be more and more effective within the game to motivate me more to explore more and more within the game and then I am feeling myself good within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to await for games to come out and play with because of this feeling good time I am pre-programming myself into and then when I am installing it I already experience this excitement and within that energetic excitement I simply disregard everything else because within the moment of feeling good I am of this self-interest of in this moment and in the next moment I want to feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself fully into the computer gaming with certain specific games because of this 'fully going into' feeling what I already know that it will not last forever - because none of those does - and then I am in fact aware of that I will play with it until I know most of the details of the game so then the excitement transforms into this automatized expressions and structured movements what do not excite me because there is no much rewarding, exploration, new things, surprises within so then I am starting to define it as boring and then I still do it but within the need for perfection and then I know that in one moment I will put it down because these will not last as these are merely just in fact entertainment occupations so that's why I still can put myself fully into the game because I am sure one moment I will leave it and 'return' to reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have more and more computer games to play with because of this feeling of good within the excitement and entertainment and occupation with what I can abdicate real life responsibilities wherein there are consequences what can not be turned back and really manifest and there is no Save Game and there is no 'Load from checkpoint'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from consequences within reality that I can not change what is done, what already been manifested and not realizing that who I define myself to be is of this mind within - what with I can switch starting point and by that I can perceive for a while that there is - meanwhile in fact there is time within my physical body goes from childhood to old-hood and then dies and within my starting-point change from physical-body-breath reality to change towards 'excitement, energetic, reversible'-perceived reality - in fact I am bubbling myself into an experience what will eventually and obviously and predictably burst and end and then I am facing with the responsibility point to change starting point and perspective towards real physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feeling intense and tempered and in fact frustrated when I am leaving perceived bubbled-energetic mind reality because then I have to face the consequences of disregarding what is here, what was always been here, and what I am always constantly responsible for regardless of total-life-abdicating occupations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting one more and then just one more computer game to play through - I am lying to myself because I deliberately do not see further than my own nose wherein in the moment I am excited towards something what has been put in front of me and then when I walk through that energetic excitement, there is already an other and then I am facing reality and facing this possibility of excitement and then I say to myself that 'alright, just this one', 'once more'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel good because what I've defined myself to be, what I've defined my purpose to be, to have a feeling, a good feeling, an enjoyment, an excitement, an energetic high within computer gaming, sex, social having fun, watching movies and just using my camera without purpose and only because within those I've defined myself as feeling good - meanwhile there are certain specific aspects within and as myself as my physical reality what I disregard, what I do not want to take responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to avoid conflict with others for instance who deliberately abuse me within persuading me to do certain things for them even when I do not have time and then for myself wanting to feel good and be perceived as good - I do that within the momentary occupation of excitement and relieving guilt from myself what is here because I am aware of that I abdicate certain self-responsibilities such as my financial issues, my relationship-issues and meanwhile still holding to a some sort of hope that it will be and everything will manifest as alright, as cool, as acceptable, as good for me and maybe others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and define that I am abdicating my certain specific responsibilities because of drugs and when I am not using drugs it is the same only it is slower and less extreme however the starting point of doing so is absolutely regardless of anything outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my partner for her absence when I am losing perspective within excited entertainment because she is not here I can not stop myself for the moment what I desired for her to support me but then that I could not so then I do not judge my blame and desire but I judge the subject of my desire and blame because if I would judge myself - then I would become very angry at myself what I do not want what I am aware of that is not the solution, what I do not want to stop and really change so then I shift perception and then within shifting I can feel whatever I am pleased to feel in order to physically not change but once more re-create the same circle, the same loop, the same self-dishonesty within the belief that 'just once more, for the last time'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself with the 'once more for the last time' justification meanwhile wanting to believe that 'this time I do it because I want it to fully understand, I want to experience it and within the experience I want to understand and be aware of what I am not aware of and THEN I will have a new piece of information with I will just understand enough to be able to stop.


I commit myself to stop deluding myself with the 'once more for the last time' program wherein I deliberately want to feel good from the justification of 'this time I do it for good, not for self-interest' - and until I do not lie to myself for several times - I really believe it until it becomes quite obvious that I do this 'last time once more' justification again and again and again.

I commit myself to empower myself with my decisions about what I really decide, I write down and what I write down as self-decision - I stick to it - no matter what - anything comes up within as thoughts - I disregard, I breathe, I walk through physically and when I experience conflict within by manifesting polarity as 'wanting to stop for good' -- and -- 'wanting to do it once more for good' -- I stop, I breathe, I realize - I've made the decision, and the temptations will go tenfold, 100fold, 1000x times within to once more participate within what I've decided to stop - and I just breathe and embrace myself and enjoy the moment of self as decision and I stand as the physical.

I commit myself to stop delude myself with the apparently positive excitement of exploring something new what I am aware of that it will be only a 'temporally bubble of perceived experience' - what will burst, what I will let go but for the time being spent on that I am possessed with this 'feeling of good' what with I've empowered myself as mind to disregard everything else - so I consider and PRIORITIZE my self-responsibilities practically - and if I want to play game then I plan playing game but not as obsessed but as self-enjoyment here undefined, un-excited, un-obsessed without any self definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to enjoy things - only what I've defined I can enjoy if I am obsessed and possessed with - and when saying no to mind-excitement/desire/obsession/possession of doing so - in fact I do not really enjoy it yet I've defined myself as enjoying these specific occupations - because I directly can see that it is not really real how I approached this 'excitement' within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taken granted Life-awareness by default because for a while I had been feeling myself good and then believing and hoping that as everything seems quite alright for me then it is the same in the world, and it is that what I resonate and by that I am making everything quite alright in the world instead of realizing that what is really happening is that I lose perspective within and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger within cursing because of self-judgment of self-defeat and self-hate what is in fact a justification about why I do not change within and as the physical but within the anger I experience this intense energy and by the intensity of energy I start to define myself as feeling alive.

to be continued...