I am continuing on the suppressed desire based on fear to be aware + to be able to prevent suppression what accumulate into conflict within myself regarding to desire for woman
Context:
- [JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro)
- [JTL 21] Desire and fear regarding to woman part 2 - conflict-avoiding
- Sunette: exploring Self-intimacy part 1 (video)
- Sunette Spies: Exploring self-intimacy part 2(video)
- When Desires becomes Overwhelming(downloadable audio at EQAFE store)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my own self-created mind-construct to face, to see, to realize, to understand, to experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize the reality within the participation of a backchat about someone who I desire after/fear from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about a woman/a girl that 'she is cute'/'she is nice'/'she is gentle'/'she is funny'/'she is cool'/'she is strong'/'she is 'stable' and not realizing that in a moment I've judged her based on my momentary perception and defined her according to that moment I've perceived her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that within judgment about a woman as 'cute'/'nice'/'preferable' at all - I am projecting my self-created image and likeness of desire towards her what I experience lacking within and as myself and a fear comes that 'what I would be' or 'who I would be' in living within this specific fear because of self-judgment of this specific 'lack' of myself what I want to fullfil with this desire after first
-defining a woman as cute
-defining that woman as something I'd like to experience
-defining that this is who I could really enjoy myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within thinking about a woman/girl(even old ones I define as girl if she I find attractive) in fact I am unable to experience her directly undefined but I only experience her through my judgments and desires.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when defining somebody as 'nice'/'cute'/'preferable' for being a partner for me - I accumulate the same energetic experience by repetition - over and over and over again.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I see somebody who I defined as desirable and preferable - each time I face her I judge her about how much she is in fact subject of my desire what I suppress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with my self-definitions projecting towards women over and over and over again and not realizing that this I compound and energetically charge within and as my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2 I compound suppressed desire after women until the point it is physically becoming too much and that 'too much-ness' I've defined as a mind-state wherein and when I have to do something with this because now it is unbearable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deal with desire-based suppression only because it is becoming more- and more energetic, too much.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to suppressed fear towards facing consequence of suppressed desire towards what I've defined fearing from not experiencing yet defining myself as required so in order to stop fear from not fulfilling the self-definition who I have myself became within knowledge and information.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to directly touch what is here and see, face, learn, experience the consequence directly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from touching someone out of the blue because thinking that she would reject me and tell me I am a pervert and then I'd face the consequence of compounding thinking inside directly here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not really considered within responsibility what I participate within when I compound desire towards somebody in fact to touch her - and not considering the physical circumstances such as does she has a partner, does she wants to be touched in the moments when I think of that - within common sense for instance she is busy working yet I think only about my interest and that excludes her at all yet I keep repeating the same pattern and not trusting myself here as moment as self-direction but trusting the mind within it's operational programming such as suppressing, compounding and then if nothing happens then later on just changing the subject, the picture - for instance when the specific particular woman is not around anymore - for instance a colleague is gone - then I do not think about it anymore, because I do not see her anymore, and then I do not realize that I've accepted the programming of myself that whenever I see her and I judge her as exciting, arousing, I simply react with excitement, arousing without considering common sense and the physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/understand/realize that in fact I have fear as much as from being rejected, than being accepted and encouraged because then I'd might be simply able to be obsessed with the touching of the woman and then I'd physically manifest this obsession about touching her and then I'd face the physical fact that I am not really fully here within considering all what is here but I am here as manifested consequence of suppressed thinking based on a desire what is in fact based on fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that the very fear I manifest with desire exactly as within the fear of not experiencing such aspects of myself reacted with fear projected towards self-defined images and likenesses of women and then suppressing the simple physical act of touching and judging as inappropriate because the subject of the desire as the woman does not even knows that I'd really like to touch her and then I judge my desire as well as 'what she might react if she would know that I'd want to touch her even at moments when it is common sense that not really supporting for instance when she does have partner or she is busy etc' as inappropriate so I suppress this desire and then it accumulates and then I face the fact when she is not here that the construct is within and as me still influencing me and directing me and then in fact I experience the very thing I feared from: not being able to touch and experience this intimacy within and as myself with an other human being.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequence of rejected by woman because I've defined being rejected by a woman when asking for speaking, going out, touching, enjoying time as avoidable, because I've compounded fear about being rejected by woman because I've defined it as 'I am worthless', 'I am weak', 'I am nothing'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to woman I can 'have access to'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to self-judgments towards women I can manifest physically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to realize and fulfill myself if I do not have a woman with I can play intimate things and not realizing that the very desire is from the fear from not being able to be intimate with and as myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the solution for letting go desire is to letting go fear from not being able to be intimate with and as myself here in every breath and give to myself what really supports me and be direct and open what I see would support me with a woman partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and define that I am ugly and not really a real man because some guys at the school when I was kid they judged and said to me that I am weird, thin, white-skinned and not really like a man and then I had reacted with fear and feeling rejected and dis empowered and excluded and that caused me to believe that I am not real and not man and never allowed myself to re-consider that I am physically here, I am self-expression and within absolute self-honesty I can let go and skip manifesting these self-judgments by and as re-aligning myself with and as what is here as the physical within every breath and use common sense that what I fear from is not really here because if it is here I am already within reaction or action so the fear is just a self-dishonesty to not acknowledge that I fear from consequence of not really changing and what I am being busy manifesting and not seeing that within the fear I exactly face the fact that I am not real only facing what is not really me to realize I must let go all what is not physically here as myself.
When and as I think about a woman and judge her as desirable - I see desire as what it is - a childish irresponsible act of momentary instability within and as myself as the mind.
When and as I see that I am thinking about a woman, I breathe, I let go, I immediately apply self-forgiveness, and re-align myself with physical practicality and if I do want to do something physical with somebody, then I must see my current location, meaning do I have partner, what did I agree with my partner, what would be supporting for my partner, what would be supporting for me, what would be supporting for the woman I'd want to touch, and if otherwise, then I'd approach directly and ask if it is common sense, otherwise I breathe, I stop, I change, I move, I do not allow conflict within and as me because in fact thinking and fantasizing about somebody is conflict within self-acceptance what is my responsibility and the consequences within physical are irreversible and inevitable and the best compassion is always prevention so I consider what would be the best outcome for all participant and then I stand within and as principle as life unwavering.
I commit myself to develop constant direct and physical presence by not allowing fears to manifest desires and desires to influence me and direct me at moments when I compound suppressed energies within my self-interest of trying to skip consequence.
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