Tuesday, March 26, 2013

[JTL 21] Desire and fear regarding to woman part 2 - conflict-avoiding

Continuing on decomposing automatic self-judgments regarding to relationships
(Context: [JTL Day 12] Desire and fear regarding to woman and sex intro)

I've decided to stop conflicts (not allow) within and as myself - however I start to realize that in a way I've always avoided conflicts to stop so again I am facing a 'conflict-avoiding' tactic within Self-honesty what I used extensively since childhood throughout the years because of differently worded fears for instance:

-not asking a woman directly to come out with me because what if she would reject me? (this post)
-not asking somebody to do a favor for me because what if she/he would reject to do so?(future posts)
-not getting my money back from someone because when I simply asked it back he did not give a fuck so I say it is not worthy for the amount?
-not wanting to step out from a self-accepted relationship(not only sexual but also as a 'friendship', 'a job' or when I've agreed to do something with someone (even regularly) but at this time I do not want or I have more important things to do but I already 'promised'?
-not standing up for myself by raising my voice when people say bullshit because I say it is not worthy to get nervous?
-not selling something with lesser price than I'd want to sell it so I just keep it or gift it?
-not throwing somebody out because I do not really like the way he/she expresses at the place I live for instance not paying for the rent because then I would be 'bad'?
-not telling somebody to stop or go when acting as asshole when abusing me/others verbally because fearing I'd be too rude?
-not going to meet with somebody when I do not really have time or wanting to do that in the moment to not be seen as untrustworthy?
-not taking direction among others because fearing that they would listen me and I would be able to direct and manipulate them within only my own self-interest?

so these are the examples of the same blueprint, let's explore the abdication of self-responsibility!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand up for myself unconditionally because of any knowledge and information within the past I've placed within me as me as 'rules' what by I have not allowed myself to realize I try to avoid to face self-responsibility for what I experience and then how I react because if I allow to not stand up for myself - then there is always a condition wherein I am experiencing myself not standing up for myself BECAUSE of the condition by these self-judgments therefore at intensified self-judgmental energetic reactional moments I can perceive myself as not responsible yet the conflict I remain experiencing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from directly talk to people how I see situation and my relationship with them because of the fear then they might think that I am evil and selfish because I do not want what they want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be good towards everybody around me because if apparently everybody thinks that I am good then I must be good regardless of how inside I feel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never ever realize/see/understand that I am the slave of my relationships with people according to my judgments and perceptions about them and about myself and about the relationships I have with them or the relationships I do not have with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have the perception that I must act according to what I define as 'good' meanwhile fearing from in fact being myself I define as 'bad' and projecting that towards others.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within action I am directed through and as relationship I accept and allow between words and energetic reactions to words without ever realizing and seeing myself as the origin as self and questioning the self-abdication of self-accepted automated personality manifestation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from failure and fear from being failed within the eyes of others because I've defined myself according to others and fascinatingly defined other's reaction according to my own reaction towards myself and not realizing that in fact I am always experiencing myself regarding to self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with the idea that within thinking actually I can simulate and model and virtualize(visualize) situations within I can process through the possibilities according to my fears and worries and then concluding with one outcome actually thinking then that is who I am and that is what I must follow and manifest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself and the experience of who I am within my mind because of fearing of consequences and fearing from failure and fearing from self-judgment and fearing from the constant experience of self-judgment what I've defined I do not have power over within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences within the action of direct physical act and not allowing myself to make mistakes and directly learn from those undefined, silent, clear.

So let's walk through these one by one for start:

-not asking a woman directly to come out with me because what if she would reject me?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing my sympathy towards a woman unless I have proven that she is interested in me and she sympathizes with me because then probably I'd not need to face rejection because only being open towards those who I think or perceive or judge as they like me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that why I fear from rejection from a woman who does not show up particular sympathy towards me.

Alright, let's see what is within and as me as the mind:

It's like I fear from my own self-created construct: because I fear that what I build up as self-defined self-obsessed backchat for instance about someone -
as thinking that 'she is cute, she is nice, she is gentle, she is funny, she is cool, she is strong, she is soft, she is stable' etc and by those thoughts in fact I am building an image and likeness of her - but in fact of my perception about her - and then as I build this up - from a point I define this energetic construct within as: 'my interest' is this woman - because I am interested in her - because then I react to her when I am around her because of these sentences of self-definitions of opinions about her around her are being re-activated and by that this self-definition system about her is 'coming alive' and looks like 'it is true and real' according to energetic experiences and self-definition connections within me - and then from a point it is automatic
- it's like when she is around, I just watch her and at points I think - 'wow her face is so cute'. - so I can't really stop it even if I'd just want to in a moment - because it is the accumulation of 1+1=2 and moment by moment I accumulated that affection to a point from where I am being overwhelmed and in fact being directed as my starting point manifested through and as this desire towards her what is in fact just self-judgments projected towards her within the starting point of fear from being direct from the first moment of : 'well, I notice that I found her to be cute' - and then I suppressed it and I did not express that in the moment - fearing from consequence
- for instance going to her and trying to touch her face (lol) because probably as being a stranger to her she would react with 'WTF-ness' and probably next time she would try to avoid me (just ranting here but something like that).
So then I build a personality and a collection of reasons why I should touch her but in fact I should not - yet I still react to and accumulate - and then that's why I do not go towards her directly even after the self-judgments are accumulated - because what if she would reject me and my idea of her being cute therefore I should touch her
- so I just game and pretend that there is no intent to touch her face - yet in fact I'd like to do so - and then if I would try to touch her face(using the same example) - she would reject me and exclude me from her presence - however I'd no directive principle to immediately stop the self-accepted judgments and my habit of participation within defining her as in fact a positive energetic value within - and then I'd face the fact that even I really want 'her' - I can not 'get' - but still the want I'd face within me with the reality of 'no chance' - yet the system what I've accumulated throughout time - I can not directly stop but only I could stop within and as myself step by step.

Okay this example quite entails how I've worked inside when starting to be obsessed with someone and definitely I will continue

meanwhile check out EQAFE relationship support(I am well aware of that some of these are available only for money but Equal Life Foundation consists of and supported by human individuals who are also required for physical support what is not yet unconditional(that's why we support to research and develop Equal Money System) so for food, shelter, internet and in fact 'living' they must pay and considering the enormous self-support these interviews can mean for those who can really listen - for some euros it is very supportive for education on how reality, the human mind and in fact the real practical solutions work - I'd rather spend some of my spare moneys to these interviews than alcohol or cigarettes for instance :)

Check out what is Journey to Life movement, what this blog is part of.

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