Monday, February 23, 2015

[JTL Day 220] 3. Living by the principle of self honesty

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

I've always been looking for the answer, the key, the solution, the resolution for my core - so to speak - problem. I've searched quite far and even more deep yet all I was always facing is the limit I have became.

No one can tell me that the self-limitation can be disregarded in one second - there is no such practice, drug, experience - anyone tries to sell it - it is a lie. Why? Because all I have ended up being here today is a result of a delicate process, a complicated chain of events, decisions, circumstances compressed into my human flesh, the beingness of me and regardless of all of this may look as complicated as seeing all of it's data all at once, in fact it's quite simple if I can see it from the appropriate view- or starting point/perspective.

Am I being honest with myself, absolutely in this moment? Am I able to remain consistent within applying self-honesty within my action to re-define, correct and re-create myself, regardless of any internal or external situation?

Everyone has insights, revelations, realizations - the key is within being able to apply it constantly, otherwise it's a swing-experience, up and down, back and forth and by accepting that - one does not change.

So something requires to be able to applied to develop consistency within the application of one's realizations - without that it's just empty wise, dry data. It's about the physical, practical specificity.

There are points within me what I just can't accept - yet what is the reason I do not change those of me? What is the actual fact what makes me incapable, powerless, inferior or even hopeless within changing aspects/expressions/reactions/perceptions within and as myself?

It's self-acceptance within separation. What is the reason I am not standing equal and one as myself here? - Without any judgement, reaction/thought/feeling/emotion, without any definition and just stand - just be - and embrace as myself?

One also can ask - why being such a picky about not being perfect? Why not accepting being flawed? It's also a point of Self-honesty, because I can have the answer for what is self-dishonest, when I choose something comfortable in self-interest meanwhile am I absolutely sure that I cannot do anything? How can I be so sure if I did not try with all I could? Self-acceptance can be in a way 'dangerous', because it's the integrity of who I accept myself to be and what is the actual definition of life, living, values of what I express, live by, share, not only with me but the rest of the world.

I look at myself, I see something as not cool, yet I do not change, there is a reason - is that reason valid? Can I trust my reasoning, my thinking?

What I feel gaining by a thought? What I need for to think, to have feelings?

Who could I be without definitions - the same as today? Not exactly. What is the reason I do not even try it? The conviction that I am more with this mind in my head, body, beingness - because I am not standing all alone with who I am, directly, here, undefined.

That is a reason - I can open up and become intimate with myself - to really see what are my reasons, my motivations, my purpose.

That's right - can I face my purpose? Am I living my purpose? Am I aware of what is actually my purpose? Can I agree with what I want/think/actually live as my purpose? Are these the same?

An interesting observation about thoughts: I used to think - a LOT - it's like a virtualisation - there are words, meanings, sentences, even dialogues. Remarks, notes - suppression. We all know about the thing called schizophrenia: when someone is going nuts in the head and thinks, even sees things, persons, personalities what are not present, real. There is a fine line among being able to effectively operate as a human in this system by utilizing the thoughts and when one is being distracted/mesmerized/deluded by the thoughts or even obsessed and lost within completely.

There is the realm of 'normal' wherein one can surf safely with the thinking - it's like an inner personal assistant - makes notes, remarks, reminds us for what we should not forget, to see, to do - it can be used as creative visualization to have a better understanding for things, and there are also patterns what can come up as doubt, anger, fear, spite.

It might can look like one is being lucky with cool thoughts while other is being cursed with toxic thinking but the fact is that there is always an equal and one relationship with the person's physical actions and inner thinking.

I am sure many humans can believe that some thoughts can be suppressed, disregarded and even forget - but if we could see a person's life, the thoughts one has and the actions one takes - there is correlation - so it is kind of the same.

This might not mean much, but actually this is one of the keys we can use to transform ourselves from self-delusion to self-honesty, from self-limitation to self-liberation.

Because at first - all I have to do is to understand - the why and how within myself - when my partner goes out and I could just be and enjoy or do something cool, I go into the jealousy coming up in my mind, then there is a reason, there is a scenario. That can be investigated. If one can learn to stick to practical questioning, it can lead to a point wherein I understand all the things I did, perceived, all the consequences I caused and then I see them as a maze - a sort of imaginative visualization - I see the scenarios and I see which leads to - fear. If my partner do cheats on me - then it happens - then I will decide what I will do - do I want to be with her or not - but to be mesmerized with this fear and act upon it - it certainly does not help. If I need to remind me and my partner and all surroundings not to cheat, then that is also a scenario - if I accept that level of 'trust', 'partner', 'myself' - but if I cannot see what is going on here, it's certainly because I lost myself within the thoughts of fear.

I also investigate and understand - when I fear - I am separated from what I fear - I am inferior, I am reactive, I am uncertain, I am lost, therefore I commit myself to understand and stop my fear.

It's a practical skill what one can learn if decides so, just to stick to the consistent application - if there is instability, always write down - then it is a physical process, not just a mind-war among forgetfulness and emotional/energetic distractions meanwhile I am just thinking in circles and ending up doing something resentful and obviously stupid.

Self-honesty starts with the decision that I stop the patterns within I see that I am not directive, I am not understanding, I am incapable of take responsibility for to see it's consequences and my power to stop and change.

If it means I write, I write - it's already gives so many things what supports: slowing down to write word by word, physically writing/typing, actually doing what I decided, to investigate/direct/want to change, what supports me with better clarity, self-trust and practical understanding.

I write and I write down all my thoughts, reactions, doubts, desires, fears, limitations, everything. If I have an objection to write - I start the writing with that - why I resist writing down - what I fear realizing, what I fear losing? Time? What's more important to purify myself from delusions/distractions/fears? Am I able to state that I have zero power to provide to myself a slice of time for self-support? Five minutes?

Am I absolutely right, certain, confident to the degree that I do not need to understand more about who I am, how I am, where I came from, how I became who I am today and what I am going to do?

It is the point of Self-honesty: am I lie to myself when I say with clarity that - I know who I am, I know what I do, I know why I do it and I know that this is the best I can do for me and others?

Do I need reasons why should I consider myself and others as well?

Am I absolutely confident that I am the best of me who I can ever be?

Self-honesty is the mirror which is the key for awareness, responsibility, in fact: power. Power over myself to stop all the patterns what I see that not supports me or others.

Self-honesty is the eye of the needle for not just being self-righteous, all-knowing, super-wise about everything, because all knowledge is useless until it's not lived - and this means change. Am I able to change myself to stop the doubt, fear, the spite, the neglect, the distractions?

With this Process, I see/realize/understand that if I think, I am not whole, I am not here and within that there is also the realization that in fact I am not thinking, I am being subjected to the reflection of thoughts. Each thought is a sort of suppression, words with meaning, purpose - if I am not aware of it, I do not know how and why I am reacting to it or not reacting to it, but certainly accepting the thinking and within it's existence - I am existing as refractions - lost in time and space, because I am uncertain when or where a thought will be triggered what can have an influence on me and all I know for going through this maze of existence is by the thoughts/feelings/emotions and within that I trust these more than myself, I use my mind to have trust, reason, purpose and within that it's fundamentally self-dishonest, because behind all of it, there is nothing really, just automated patterns of uncertainty, fear.

There is a way to synchronize, unify, re-create myself, which is through the process of Self-forgiveness.

I give - for myself the realization of all the reasons, definitions, judgements, suppression, desires, fears, that these are superimposed reflections of my self-dishonesty, originated from fear of loss, fear of change, fear of giving up, fear of just being here.

If it would not be this way, I would not wait, I could just be, to live, to express without the personality of the mind.

I've tried to disregard, dismiss, even destroy all of my mind's personality - it did not work, obviously, because I was fighting me - and within this fight - I can not win - there is always a part of me which loses and then wants to win - it's the oroborous, the self-eating snake, ying and yang. I suggest to not even bother to go into this fight - I've been there, I've gave into all I had at my disposal, I was able to go nuclear in my mind and body - regardless of the intensity, grandiose of this fight's anticipation - energy will not last. Only the human physical body deteriorates. It's the source!

All battle within oneself is a lost cause - it's like wanting to fight war with soldiers to attain peace - exactly, if I look around, how ironic - but in fact what I am going into fight with, there is this perception that it's because I am unable to direct it, I fear from it, I am inferior, I am separated from it and I want to use force to control, dominate, change, destroy it.

If I would be the 'superior', rather using the word 'directive principle', because within self all is equal and one in a way, but then I could just embrace, take over, direct the solution without fight, energy - so within this I realize that the fact is that I've already lost direction, I am not fully myself, as a whole, unified, consistent, stable being. And then I investigate.

I have realized that I ended up with not being exactly the same within thoughts, spoken words and physical actions - it is common, but it is not yet common to stop accepting it, but will be.

Those, who walk the Journey to Life - it takes quite some years, but each step we walk, accumulates to equalize and unify the words we think, say and do - because that is where LIVING starts - when our words start LIVING as ourselves without any conflict, friction, separation.

It's common sense - if I think, say and do the same, the thinking is not internal, it's all unified - I trust myself that what I say and do is what is within, without suppression, conflict, like children do, a sort of innocence, but not in an irresponsible, rather a life-aware way, because I am capable of understand the consequences of my actions and if I see fear - I stop it, because I am seeing how I would compromise Self-honesty, how it would affect me and others and within the self-direction, I am able to stop and change myself without conflict, fight, war, friction. It's possible and even within this human system, wherein we are so busy and living among many people through complicated processes.

This is the principle what can be the starting point for standing equal and one as myself and the whole existence - it's not a mystical, spiritual, religious feeling/experience, it's a simple but consistent application of Self-honesty, which will accumulate into such change what impacts not only my internal but the external reality as well.

I commit myself to ensure that I am pure within thought, word and deed, because it is Self-honesty and to realize that the inner and outer are equal and one and any judgement, reaction, separation I experience about this - is my responsibility to stop.

This is how I approach my 'problem', which is self-limitation, the closed door to the freedom I was always striving for and I realize - it is only me who I am limited by - so I realize - the fear, with I justify not realizing, moving, changing, letting go aspects of me what limits me to unify within thought, word and deed - is not who I am, therefore I commit myself to find practical ways to stop this fear, the need for the fear.

To stop this fear, I see/realize/understand that the self-definition, the physical addiction to energetic experiences, the self-automation I must become aware of within utmost specificity and breath by breath, small act by small act to be able to becoming aware of and embracing it as who I am here and stand as equal and one. Once I stand here undefined, within awareness, self-direction, self-honesty and I stop - not with force, energy, control - but as who I am within oneness and equality.

Within practical terms - among human relationships I have allowed myself to lose clarity, direction, because I allow influences from self-judgements according to patterns I've not yet became aware of that in fact it is not self-honesty, therefore I commit myself to continue the Journey to Life writing/self-forgiveness/sharing/stopping/changing Process until I am here, undefined, unwavering, self-directive, unified and consistent within Self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop caring about how people would think of me, or define me, if I would be consistent and I commit myself to stop the fear that I will change therefore I would not be consistent and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being consistent according to what I do, how I act, what I say instead of realizing that within Self-honesty and Self-trust I can develop consistency within and I trust myself, not patterns and whenever I would use memory or any reaction to define consistency, I stop, I let it go.

I commit myself to stop giving up on myself because of not wanting to give up points what I am facing with and realizing that if I give up everything, I am still here - but if I give up on myself, I am in fact not giving up points what is not me.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand and find practical ways to Live by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

Monday, February 16, 2015

[JTL Day 219] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 3

I specify the Self-forgiveness process

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that when I have a specific physical feeling of losing presence, I allow myself to not stop, to not correct/re-align/forgive myself immediately but keep doing what I do and not considering that I am being influenced with the starting point of that specific feeling which I am sure that it is an indication of participating within uncertainty, worry, fear and it is not the best for me and all yet I do not stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to identify all the patterns wherein I go into the uncertainty, worry, anxiety, fear and never realizing why overlooked this point which always ended up accumulating into a point of losing presence, direction, clarity entirely and only then re-aligning and doing what is necessary, what was from the beginning possible to do as self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to make myself practically aware of the physical indication of when too much acid is being produced within my stomach and the slight tension and physical experience of energetic 'boiling' is present and it's like a sort of sweating but not literally, but it's obvious, physical, in fact not cool but being in the pattern what I react with the worry/uncertainty , what I've defined as wanting to stop it with all my attention but still not stopping it's origin, ME and therefore disregarding MYSELF HERE from this equation because in the belief that by focusing to the point while not being aware how I focus as who I am, who is focusing and therefore not being also aware that I am making a mistake by reacting within fear, manifesting doubt, compromising self-trust and not realizing that the solution is to stop, re-align, understand what I fear losing and apply common sense, self-forgiveness to express a new chance and find practical ways to change breath by breath, action by action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the worry I am focusing to the reaction I fear, instead of the facts and the solution therefore compromising to be able to do all I can in order to solve, therefore I am part of the problem and not seeing it because focusing to the worry, actually wanting to solve it without solving myself as I accept and allow myself to remain within the worry and also wanting to stop this worry not by and as me here directly stop but with external circumstances, changes which with I condition my direction, stability, trust.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all my fears I think of, it is always time or money-related therefore all I can do is to become practical, pragmatic and effective within time- and monetary management of myself to stop the worry and the fear and within this to stand up to and stop, I actually get to know who I really am within the relationships I've accepted myself to react with doubt, comparison, judgement, polarity and separation from me here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not face, open up, understand, be equal and one with, forgive, stop and change each point of worry, uncertainty, fear, then all these points I am responsible for accumulating to create, experience more worry, uncertainty, fear meanwhile preventing myself to give myself trust, presence, consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within fearing from not having enough time I do not commit myself and push myself to apply what it takes to use my time within self-honesty as effective as I can without the influence of fear.

I forgive myself that I have stopped myself before doing all I could thus giving opportunity to blame myself - and within that I do allow doubt.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use doubt to cross-reference that what I did not do what I could and not using it for practical self-correction to be able to become more effective to solve the problems I see not trusting myself to solve and simply do all I can without any judgement/definition/expectation/comparison/fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if I do not have a purpose within my actions, there is no direction, there is no commitment, there is no principle, there is no consistency and within the accepted desire or ways to try to explain why I would not need to create a purpose, in fact because I am within doubt, I do not know myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can use the process of self-intimacy, self-forgiveness to know who I am here and to decide to stop and prevent the doubt and investigate what exactly I fear and by that I get to know myself, I learn with what I can trust myself and by that I can see what can be my purpose with and as I can stand and live within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resisting sounding Self-forgiveness I resist to really and immediately realize/take responsibility for/change the doubt/fear within, therefore I commit myself to stop any resistance for applying Self-forgiveness, aloud, written.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that not wanting to voice, sound, word my Self-forgiveness I have a tendency to want to suppress, to remain mind, to feel energy within, to react, to judge, to compare, to feel, which then indicates that there is a layer behind I am able to see/direct/apply myself which then I commit myself to face, explore, forgive and stop immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that Self-forgiveness is something I can apply in each moment regardless of any situation and if I do not say/word aloud it - I can still apply it in the moment, all the forgiveness I've written/said before, the decision to stop the mind, to stop the participation within the comparison, polarity I can apply in every moment to accumulate presence, direction, trust with and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what points exactly I've reacted with worry and allowed myself to accumulate into anxiety and learning why not faced and directed myself to stop the worry, because previously I've defined anxiety/worry only to be worked on when it is so overwhelming that I am unable to do anything and when I am still able to do what I do, just it is a slight 'tune', a 'mood', a 'feeling', a 'tension' - it is still self-dishonesty and the common sense is to stop it immediately and entirely, and if there is a reason why I do not stop myself/the worry/anxiety - then that reason I commit myself to open up, explore, understand, forgive and stop and change myself by understanding I do not need to have any reason why I would accept myself to participate within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not doing my work properly because someone complains about my work and taking it personally and not realizing that instead of reacting to it, I can directly see what I can actually do about it and within that not realizing that by the energy/time/effort of reacting with 'uncertainty/worry' - instead of that energetic, separate 'investment' accumulation, I can directly focus on the solution and preventing myself to react with fear, preventing to accumulate doubt/worry but actually accumulating practical self trust here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to be screwed with my internal energetic addiction to perfection, which then wanting to manifest but not focusing on the thing, the decision I do, the practical application fully, but still reacting with worry about 'not becoming perfect' and with that I am distracting myself from the practical application and in fact manifesting what I worry from - imperfection because I am not fully here, I am split, I am existing within separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with reactions to overcome/balance out the worry/fear, which are in fact justifications and excuses based on accepting the conflict within me first, and wanting to overcome and reason with it by saying not having enough time/resource/understanding to solve it but in fact not seeing/moving beyond this layer of self-deception based on another worry/fear I am not aware of, which simply means I must explore and specify further with the tools of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can support myself with applying the tools of Desteni/Desteni I Process every day and to understand the facts why I not change and within this realizing that constant and consistent application is required every day to walk, meaning writing, sounding self-forgiveness and self-correction, self-commitment, specifically to practical change, direct my-reality-life-related re-programming.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that breathing, stopping myself is not enough, stopping reactions is not the solution, it is just the step before it to give myself the opportunity to develop understanding, motivation and decision on how exactly I change and if I am not specific enough, if I am not absolute, then all I manifest is stopping myself and in fact not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all limitations I face and accept and allow every day and keep allowing the next day are also my responsibility and about that I can make the decision to question/understand it of how I can stop and pass that specific limitation and find out who I can be beyond that with exploring new areas, expressions, dimensions within action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how exactly I accepted my limitations and why I accepted these as myself within the details such as financial limitations, doubt-based limitations, which are also points I can understand and see what practical solutions I can find to stop and change actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the energetic movement within my human physical body around my solar plexus whenever I face something I do not define and within that feeling that the energy is moving around, spread from within the center of my physical body and being aware of that this is part of a suppression/feeling but not seeing how exactly, what I hide specifically and just wanting to ignore within the belief that this is not relevant, this will not affect me and this is unrelated to my limitations I face and in fact use as excuse and hideout for why I do not take responsibility for change myself and my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within not being aware of what are the definitions/words I react within energetic movement within and as my human physical body, that does not mean it is fully undefined, but it is that I am not aware of it, it is so quick or deep, accepted as 'normal' that I gave permission to my mind-body relationship to fully automatize without my awareness, yet it is still stimulating, influencing me, supporting thinking, doubt, judgements based on the original self-dishonesty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the sound of me, the voice of me, the resonance of me of standing up and expressing myself as physical being, the words, the action, the actual living of not giving into the energetic reactions, but standing up and in the moment forgiving myself as the decision to dig further, for specifying my understanding further and live practical action to stop the energy, stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I give into the action of habits I am diminishing my Self-honesty and doing patterns which are not Self-movement, not facing/understanding/stopping/walking through my limitations but actually allowing them as separated from me as who I am and existing behind these self-created wall and feeling frustrated about it and the reactions/energies/judgements/thoughts about my self-limitation to use to fuel myself to stand up to my limitations and when there is no reaction as thinking/fear/suppression then stopping facing myself/my limitations therefore not stepping beyond the trap of 22 of wanting to change but using energy to change meanwhile to have energy I have to do what I always do as judgement/reaction/separation/thinking/fear, therefore not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly what are the habits and patterns I use to react and charge up as mind as energetic being, but in fact these are so obvious, meaning entertainment, thinking, always planning, but giving into the temptation of just do something about these without being specific, fully present, aware, disciplined, thus not being effective as much as I could, thus not being committed as I could, as I would needed to be the most practical I could, because always ending up using patterns what I think as effective based on judgements/polarity/thinking meanwhile I sure of that I can trust myself only when I am not listening to thoughts, when there is no fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within Self-forgiveness it is not just breathing, stopping what I have to do but actual motion, movement, action to live and become and each and every single thought I have - can be stopped by changing myself and the actions I take within Self-honesty and any time I act and if I still think/feel energies within me moving without me directing as Self within Awareness - it is the indication that I am still influenced by judgement/reaction/polarity/memory/fear, which means I stopped directing myself to further Self-forgiveness to apply and live to specify, therefore I see the problem and the solution which is I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about worrying that if anyone would hear me of me saying aloud Self-forgiveness and then I would need to explain why and what I do and not wanting to bother about that because of thinking that it is my stuff and it should not be shared with others because defining, that would be waste of time to try to explain and within that not realizing that I accept to have a doubt about "what if I can't explain myself" or "what if the others would react with further questioning or judgements and me not wanting to bother about it" and within this not stopping and asking why I worry about scenarios what are just my projections in my head and actually not realizing that I've defined myself and my application of Self-forgiveness as "private" by default, as a rule, but in fact I've given permission to this rule to tell me what to do instead of trusting myself in the moment to decide when I can actually open up and share about what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within Self-forgiveness to apply as Sounding because of the belief that I would not want to get attention, what would lead to being judged and not realizing within that I judge myself and I can stop it and also I can look it within common sense and realizing that for instance while I am working with others I might not want to apply Self-forgiveness because we are busy with something and within those moments I can stop for a moment, take a breath, re-align myself to be here and direct myself to continue the work and in a case where I am unable to do so, meaning being distracted, so much reactions, energies come up within me, then I can communicate that I need one- or more - minutes to catch myself up and then continue if possible and if not, for instance driving in traffic or landing a plane - then I apply breathing, physical presence and pushing myself to be here in each moment and within this I let go the need for thinking, reactions to tell me how and what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each and every single day is the opportunity to stop the mind and if I do not accumulate into that, then I am accumulating into accepting and allowing myself to remain within and as my mind, which is the manifested consequence of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to focus to what is really bothering me in the mind to understand/forgive/stop/change each day and if ever I see a point and resisting it to face - it is the indication that I must face it directly as soon as possible because that is a self-accepted limitation which will only be stopped when I direct myself to walk through it without resistance/reaction/fear once and again and again until I change to the degree that it is not limiting me anymore and I do not react.

When and as I get the energies/butterflies/feelings moving around within my human physical body, I do not participate, I remain here, present, directive and I see what I was participating within before and what was the point I was giving attention to with judgement/polarity/fear/thinking and I stop - I realize that if I have energies moving around within me, then there is a problem which I do not perceive as something to solve but as something I react to with patterns I've accepted in the past and re-creating the experience of suppression/judgement/fear into the future instead of seeing how I can stop it as myself without any separation within responsibility.

When and as I see that I worry about not having enough money to what I want to do, I stop the worry by realizing that worry is fear and meanwhile I fear, I am not present, I am not seeing facts but I imagine scenarios what are not facts and therefore giving my attention, focus, direction power to something not helpful and if I want to use worry and fear as practical support, then I look at how much I spend to what and what would be a scenario to expand financially and then actually do it, for instance finding job what pays better, and then within that figuring out in reality what it actually takes to do that and then doing it and if any reaction/worry would come up within considering to do something about not having enough money, then I apply self-forgiveness to that, I stop the fear, I stop being mesmerized by reactions to things I judge as not cool/bad/undesired by embracing that I can be one and equal with the aspects of me as fear and stop it as self here.

When and as I fear about what would happen if I would apply self-forgiveness aloud because of the time it would take and fearing of losing time - I stop this fear as I realize that sounding words is not a lot of time except I only sound the words but not living as myself but just for exerting energy, for calming myself by hearing my voice in which case I look beyond the need for this and realize what I actually fear from and I also realize that what I really want is to live without fear and for that I must walk the process of Self-forgiveness and within that it is common sense to walk through it once properly, rather than wanting to rush through it and then after realizing that I was not specific and I did not really stop and change due to being in the effect of fear of not having enough time and within that not realizing that I've valued and prioritized time more than self here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within worrying of how much time would take something to walk through as being realized as self-dishonesty within, is that I've defined time and energy and effort more than Self Here, and within that identifying myself with time itself and by that wanting to do things faster, and within that not realizing that I am prioritizing quantity instead of quality, and not seeing that it is based on a fear, which if I allow as a starting point, I actually not stop the mind but I am still of and as my mind as fear of losing, judgement and comparison which is of polarity, of separation, as self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to stop the definition of time to use within Self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear of losing time, too much time within slowing down myself to the degree of seeing, writing, sounding one word at a time, then I stop the fear and realizing that it is not practical, because for proper work there is a certain amount of time it takes within this physical existence and also I realize that if I do not walk it really, then it will come back as it is in fact myself who did not really change, so in fact I re-create the point to face and eventually realize that if I apply myself every day, moment by moment within Self-trust, there is enough time, and within that realizing that time is irrelevant, because the process as self-accepted Self-dishonesty I've manifested myself to be - is here and there is no way out but to walk through each and every single self-dishonesty pattern in 'real' time.

When and as I fear of taking risks and wanting to use patterns what I've defined as worked out/trustworthy, I stop and I realize that if I risk on stopping and changing - I still define what I hold onto in my mind as more important than who I could be without fear therefore I stop fear of losing, I stop defining what I have as who I am and rather I re-define myself to live within self-honesty in each moment and realizing that who I am here I cannot lose therefore all I fear from losing is not me here thus I commit myself to forgive and let go.

Friday, February 6, 2015

[JTL Day 218] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 2

I am further exploring the Sounding Self-forgiveness from the previous post:
I see expansion - the forced forgetfulness excuse is gone, that is a make belief that I can't remember what I said, especially if I said more and more sentences.

I am present, I walk through the word constructs within my mind and I detach from energetic automatic programming with Sounding Self-forgiveness.

There is still sometimes an urge to quicken up, this has been a massive construct in my mind, due to the extreme amount of psychedelic drugs I've pushed through my system in the starting point of energy and light delusion, but it's decomposing as well.

Well, the point is that I've also avoided to talk and share about quite some amount of topics which I am becoming aware of, mostly because I first cross-reference all I experience to prevent further self-deception, which I've accepted and allowed previously within the spiritual deceptive agendas I've also participated within.

By walking the Desteni I Process courses during the last couple of years - there is no doubt it is supporting me within the substantiating of self-presence, self-trust and self-direction.

Whole points, what previously I've judged in my life as 'my greatest challenges' are becoming daily walk to face and re-align with practical change if I see self-dishonesty in my starting point-action, such as partnership, fear of not being good enough and fear of mistakes.

The process is just started, which is humble, because the recognition of the same LIFE is within all, equally and if one is not acting according to that, there is no need any more explanation that the one is still walking personal process from pre-programmed mind consciousness system to all-life-aware awareness self-expression.

Sounding Self-forgiveness is immediate, direct, stabilizing and physical expression if it's self-honest.

So the points I've been realized about it recently are:

  • if the words would want to come out faster than I can say the words aloud, sounding alright, then it is indicating there is a rush coming from my mind, which means I direct myself to slow down, there can be an unrealistic perception, conviction making me believe that I need to rush or it's better or it's like pouring a bucket out - which is then not self-direction, so I stop, I breathe and I express word by word as myself and within those words I live them literally as myself, as I really give for myself a new understanding, a new chance, a new direction.
  • if there is a perception that after a Self-forgiveness point/sentence/expression/understanding/exploration, there is another coming up, like I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear and then in the next moment I see this fear closer, so I see that it is common sense to continue with that I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear from mistakes and then I open up what kind of mistakes, why fearing from specific mistakes, until I am not aware of all it's parts - I do not have to go through the reactions, thoughts, word constructs and it's energy reactions to 'feel' it - I forgive myself until I am becoming 'aware' of it - it's like in the Matrix movie: Don't think you are - Know you are. Because if I know myself, I do not need to think anymore, I MOVE, I ACT, I LIVE, I EXPRESS.. And if it's not constant, consistent, then I apply Self-forgiveness to KNOW SELF HERE first. This is when going down the rabbit hole - no matter how deep it is - I keep digging until I see everything - from where this 'fear' started within and as me. And the tendency to give up, to stop digging until I am aware of all aspects can arise. So it is also a self-reflection point to see - until when I apply Self-forgiveness. Within Self-honesty there can be learned to be aware of it - is there any layer, is there any reaction/energy/movement still within me which I am not aware of? I am seeing all parts of it to such a degree that I can practically assist and support myself within stopping and changing?
Within Sounding Self-forgiveness allowing myself to not stop within worry of not having enough time, but disciplining myself to stick to absolute specificity the most direct way I can unveil who I have accepted and allowed myself to became.

I remember, when I started to write this blog around 2008, many times I wrote about one-two pages when I've got to the more direct, self-supportive self-honest writing expression - then by days, months, years it can become a skill - there is still sometimes that I sit down writing without specific direction - and I can recognize it - and I can apply specificity and face and walk through points more directly. It's a process, these are skills which are essential for the human being to understand, stop and transcend the normally accepted insanity of constant time-looping within personality programs of self-interest, the delusion of all-power love meanwhile having absolutely no real purpose, principle and integrity in relation to taking responsibility for existence here.

Also it is important to face any reaction/construct justifying why not needing to apply self-forgiveness.

'I do not need to forgive my promiscuity desires, I will just live them out and during that I will let them go'.

If I fear letting go a pattern, it is because there is self-definition, which I fear losing because then I would need to change which I do not want and then by being identified with my mind/thoughts/reactions/resistances - I accept it as self-limitation and even label it as 'this is who I am' and stop questioning it.

There is this delusion that I must live and try everything first to really see that it is not really what I want - not realizing that there is always consequence within physical time-space.

One can walk through any desires- regardless of how tempting or simple, easy they seem - even that within my mind there are things what seem to be more big and important, those perceptions are for manipulate self to be able to label points, things, self-dishonesties as 'small', 'insignificant', but in fact everything always accumulates and from small things build up everything one by one.

It's also about Self-application with Self-forgiveness - if I define that 'I do not apply Self-forgiveness to take responsibility in this moment, but will do it later' - it is an action, a decision, there is consequence and the more I do it the more I literally become this pattern up to a point where I do not even 'need to reason/justify', because I am totally biased by myself.

If I look around in this world, it is the constant acceptance and allowance of small things what accumulated into this total separation from our beingness with energy, being in the substance but not as it, feeling imprisoned in the physical while in fact our prison is the mind, the justification of why shit happens, because of this is how things turned out and not realizing that we are not just part of this creation, but we actually are creation.

With Self-forgiveness we take this responsibility as creator, created and creation as equal and one and word by word we can literally understand re-align our expression to stop the accumulation of acceptance and allowance of self-acceptance, self-limitation, self-delusion.

Sounding Self-forgiveness also has the physical voice, sound - and immediately we can hear if the words are not spoken well, clearly, is there any wavering, uncertainty, difficulty, resistance, energy - then to explore that as well and in the moment apply that further understanding into more specificity and direct change, here in and as the physical.

I will continue further about Sounding Self-forgiveness...