Monday, February 16, 2015

[JTL Day 219] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 3

I specify the Self-forgiveness process

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that when I have a specific physical feeling of losing presence, I allow myself to not stop, to not correct/re-align/forgive myself immediately but keep doing what I do and not considering that I am being influenced with the starting point of that specific feeling which I am sure that it is an indication of participating within uncertainty, worry, fear and it is not the best for me and all yet I do not stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to identify all the patterns wherein I go into the uncertainty, worry, anxiety, fear and never realizing why overlooked this point which always ended up accumulating into a point of losing presence, direction, clarity entirely and only then re-aligning and doing what is necessary, what was from the beginning possible to do as self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to make myself practically aware of the physical indication of when too much acid is being produced within my stomach and the slight tension and physical experience of energetic 'boiling' is present and it's like a sort of sweating but not literally, but it's obvious, physical, in fact not cool but being in the pattern what I react with the worry/uncertainty , what I've defined as wanting to stop it with all my attention but still not stopping it's origin, ME and therefore disregarding MYSELF HERE from this equation because in the belief that by focusing to the point while not being aware how I focus as who I am, who is focusing and therefore not being also aware that I am making a mistake by reacting within fear, manifesting doubt, compromising self-trust and not realizing that the solution is to stop, re-align, understand what I fear losing and apply common sense, self-forgiveness to express a new chance and find practical ways to change breath by breath, action by action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the worry I am focusing to the reaction I fear, instead of the facts and the solution therefore compromising to be able to do all I can in order to solve, therefore I am part of the problem and not seeing it because focusing to the worry, actually wanting to solve it without solving myself as I accept and allow myself to remain within the worry and also wanting to stop this worry not by and as me here directly stop but with external circumstances, changes which with I condition my direction, stability, trust.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all my fears I think of, it is always time or money-related therefore all I can do is to become practical, pragmatic and effective within time- and monetary management of myself to stop the worry and the fear and within this to stand up to and stop, I actually get to know who I really am within the relationships I've accepted myself to react with doubt, comparison, judgement, polarity and separation from me here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not face, open up, understand, be equal and one with, forgive, stop and change each point of worry, uncertainty, fear, then all these points I am responsible for accumulating to create, experience more worry, uncertainty, fear meanwhile preventing myself to give myself trust, presence, consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within fearing from not having enough time I do not commit myself and push myself to apply what it takes to use my time within self-honesty as effective as I can without the influence of fear.

I forgive myself that I have stopped myself before doing all I could thus giving opportunity to blame myself - and within that I do allow doubt.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to use doubt to cross-reference that what I did not do what I could and not using it for practical self-correction to be able to become more effective to solve the problems I see not trusting myself to solve and simply do all I can without any judgement/definition/expectation/comparison/fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that if I do not have a purpose within my actions, there is no direction, there is no commitment, there is no principle, there is no consistency and within the accepted desire or ways to try to explain why I would not need to create a purpose, in fact because I am within doubt, I do not know myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can use the process of self-intimacy, self-forgiveness to know who I am here and to decide to stop and prevent the doubt and investigate what exactly I fear and by that I get to know myself, I learn with what I can trust myself and by that I can see what can be my purpose with and as I can stand and live within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that resisting sounding Self-forgiveness I resist to really and immediately realize/take responsibility for/change the doubt/fear within, therefore I commit myself to stop any resistance for applying Self-forgiveness, aloud, written.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that not wanting to voice, sound, word my Self-forgiveness I have a tendency to want to suppress, to remain mind, to feel energy within, to react, to judge, to compare, to feel, which then indicates that there is a layer behind I am able to see/direct/apply myself which then I commit myself to face, explore, forgive and stop immediately.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that Self-forgiveness is something I can apply in each moment regardless of any situation and if I do not say/word aloud it - I can still apply it in the moment, all the forgiveness I've written/said before, the decision to stop the mind, to stop the participation within the comparison, polarity I can apply in every moment to accumulate presence, direction, trust with and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what points exactly I've reacted with worry and allowed myself to accumulate into anxiety and learning why not faced and directed myself to stop the worry, because previously I've defined anxiety/worry only to be worked on when it is so overwhelming that I am unable to do anything and when I am still able to do what I do, just it is a slight 'tune', a 'mood', a 'feeling', a 'tension' - it is still self-dishonesty and the common sense is to stop it immediately and entirely, and if there is a reason why I do not stop myself/the worry/anxiety - then that reason I commit myself to open up, explore, understand, forgive and stop and change myself by understanding I do not need to have any reason why I would accept myself to participate within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about not doing my work properly because someone complains about my work and taking it personally and not realizing that instead of reacting to it, I can directly see what I can actually do about it and within that not realizing that by the energy/time/effort of reacting with 'uncertainty/worry' - instead of that energetic, separate 'investment' accumulation, I can directly focus on the solution and preventing myself to react with fear, preventing to accumulate doubt/worry but actually accumulating practical self trust here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to be screwed with my internal energetic addiction to perfection, which then wanting to manifest but not focusing on the thing, the decision I do, the practical application fully, but still reacting with worry about 'not becoming perfect' and with that I am distracting myself from the practical application and in fact manifesting what I worry from - imperfection because I am not fully here, I am split, I am existing within separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with reactions to overcome/balance out the worry/fear, which are in fact justifications and excuses based on accepting the conflict within me first, and wanting to overcome and reason with it by saying not having enough time/resource/understanding to solve it but in fact not seeing/moving beyond this layer of self-deception based on another worry/fear I am not aware of, which simply means I must explore and specify further with the tools of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can support myself with applying the tools of Desteni/Desteni I Process every day and to understand the facts why I not change and within this realizing that constant and consistent application is required every day to walk, meaning writing, sounding self-forgiveness and self-correction, self-commitment, specifically to practical change, direct my-reality-life-related re-programming.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that breathing, stopping myself is not enough, stopping reactions is not the solution, it is just the step before it to give myself the opportunity to develop understanding, motivation and decision on how exactly I change and if I am not specific enough, if I am not absolute, then all I manifest is stopping myself and in fact not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all limitations I face and accept and allow every day and keep allowing the next day are also my responsibility and about that I can make the decision to question/understand it of how I can stop and pass that specific limitation and find out who I can be beyond that with exploring new areas, expressions, dimensions within action.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand how exactly I accepted my limitations and why I accepted these as myself within the details such as financial limitations, doubt-based limitations, which are also points I can understand and see what practical solutions I can find to stop and change actually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the energetic movement within my human physical body around my solar plexus whenever I face something I do not define and within that feeling that the energy is moving around, spread from within the center of my physical body and being aware of that this is part of a suppression/feeling but not seeing how exactly, what I hide specifically and just wanting to ignore within the belief that this is not relevant, this will not affect me and this is unrelated to my limitations I face and in fact use as excuse and hideout for why I do not take responsibility for change myself and my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within not being aware of what are the definitions/words I react within energetic movement within and as my human physical body, that does not mean it is fully undefined, but it is that I am not aware of it, it is so quick or deep, accepted as 'normal' that I gave permission to my mind-body relationship to fully automatize without my awareness, yet it is still stimulating, influencing me, supporting thinking, doubt, judgements based on the original self-dishonesty, fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the sound of me, the voice of me, the resonance of me of standing up and expressing myself as physical being, the words, the action, the actual living of not giving into the energetic reactions, but standing up and in the moment forgiving myself as the decision to dig further, for specifying my understanding further and live practical action to stop the energy, stop the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I give into the action of habits I am diminishing my Self-honesty and doing patterns which are not Self-movement, not facing/understanding/stopping/walking through my limitations but actually allowing them as separated from me as who I am and existing behind these self-created wall and feeling frustrated about it and the reactions/energies/judgements/thoughts about my self-limitation to use to fuel myself to stand up to my limitations and when there is no reaction as thinking/fear/suppression then stopping facing myself/my limitations therefore not stepping beyond the trap of 22 of wanting to change but using energy to change meanwhile to have energy I have to do what I always do as judgement/reaction/separation/thinking/fear, therefore not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly what are the habits and patterns I use to react and charge up as mind as energetic being, but in fact these are so obvious, meaning entertainment, thinking, always planning, but giving into the temptation of just do something about these without being specific, fully present, aware, disciplined, thus not being effective as much as I could, thus not being committed as I could, as I would needed to be the most practical I could, because always ending up using patterns what I think as effective based on judgements/polarity/thinking meanwhile I sure of that I can trust myself only when I am not listening to thoughts, when there is no fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within Self-forgiveness it is not just breathing, stopping what I have to do but actual motion, movement, action to live and become and each and every single thought I have - can be stopped by changing myself and the actions I take within Self-honesty and any time I act and if I still think/feel energies within me moving without me directing as Self within Awareness - it is the indication that I am still influenced by judgement/reaction/polarity/memory/fear, which means I stopped directing myself to further Self-forgiveness to apply and live to specify, therefore I see the problem and the solution which is I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself about worrying that if anyone would hear me of me saying aloud Self-forgiveness and then I would need to explain why and what I do and not wanting to bother about that because of thinking that it is my stuff and it should not be shared with others because defining, that would be waste of time to try to explain and within that not realizing that I accept to have a doubt about "what if I can't explain myself" or "what if the others would react with further questioning or judgements and me not wanting to bother about it" and within this not stopping and asking why I worry about scenarios what are just my projections in my head and actually not realizing that I've defined myself and my application of Self-forgiveness as "private" by default, as a rule, but in fact I've given permission to this rule to tell me what to do instead of trusting myself in the moment to decide when I can actually open up and share about what I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within Self-forgiveness to apply as Sounding because of the belief that I would not want to get attention, what would lead to being judged and not realizing within that I judge myself and I can stop it and also I can look it within common sense and realizing that for instance while I am working with others I might not want to apply Self-forgiveness because we are busy with something and within those moments I can stop for a moment, take a breath, re-align myself to be here and direct myself to continue the work and in a case where I am unable to do so, meaning being distracted, so much reactions, energies come up within me, then I can communicate that I need one- or more - minutes to catch myself up and then continue if possible and if not, for instance driving in traffic or landing a plane - then I apply breathing, physical presence and pushing myself to be here in each moment and within this I let go the need for thinking, reactions to tell me how and what to do.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each and every single day is the opportunity to stop the mind and if I do not accumulate into that, then I am accumulating into accepting and allowing myself to remain within and as my mind, which is the manifested consequence of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to focus to what is really bothering me in the mind to understand/forgive/stop/change each day and if ever I see a point and resisting it to face - it is the indication that I must face it directly as soon as possible because that is a self-accepted limitation which will only be stopped when I direct myself to walk through it without resistance/reaction/fear once and again and again until I change to the degree that it is not limiting me anymore and I do not react.

When and as I get the energies/butterflies/feelings moving around within my human physical body, I do not participate, I remain here, present, directive and I see what I was participating within before and what was the point I was giving attention to with judgement/polarity/fear/thinking and I stop - I realize that if I have energies moving around within me, then there is a problem which I do not perceive as something to solve but as something I react to with patterns I've accepted in the past and re-creating the experience of suppression/judgement/fear into the future instead of seeing how I can stop it as myself without any separation within responsibility.

When and as I see that I worry about not having enough money to what I want to do, I stop the worry by realizing that worry is fear and meanwhile I fear, I am not present, I am not seeing facts but I imagine scenarios what are not facts and therefore giving my attention, focus, direction power to something not helpful and if I want to use worry and fear as practical support, then I look at how much I spend to what and what would be a scenario to expand financially and then actually do it, for instance finding job what pays better, and then within that figuring out in reality what it actually takes to do that and then doing it and if any reaction/worry would come up within considering to do something about not having enough money, then I apply self-forgiveness to that, I stop the fear, I stop being mesmerized by reactions to things I judge as not cool/bad/undesired by embracing that I can be one and equal with the aspects of me as fear and stop it as self here.

When and as I fear about what would happen if I would apply self-forgiveness aloud because of the time it would take and fearing of losing time - I stop this fear as I realize that sounding words is not a lot of time except I only sound the words but not living as myself but just for exerting energy, for calming myself by hearing my voice in which case I look beyond the need for this and realize what I actually fear from and I also realize that what I really want is to live without fear and for that I must walk the process of Self-forgiveness and within that it is common sense to walk through it once properly, rather than wanting to rush through it and then after realizing that I was not specific and I did not really stop and change due to being in the effect of fear of not having enough time and within that not realizing that I've valued and prioritized time more than self here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within worrying of how much time would take something to walk through as being realized as self-dishonesty within, is that I've defined time and energy and effort more than Self Here, and within that identifying myself with time itself and by that wanting to do things faster, and within that not realizing that I am prioritizing quantity instead of quality, and not seeing that it is based on a fear, which if I allow as a starting point, I actually not stop the mind but I am still of and as my mind as fear of losing, judgement and comparison which is of polarity, of separation, as self-dishonesty, therefore I commit myself to stop the definition of time to use within Self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear of losing time, too much time within slowing down myself to the degree of seeing, writing, sounding one word at a time, then I stop the fear and realizing that it is not practical, because for proper work there is a certain amount of time it takes within this physical existence and also I realize that if I do not walk it really, then it will come back as it is in fact myself who did not really change, so in fact I re-create the point to face and eventually realize that if I apply myself every day, moment by moment within Self-trust, there is enough time, and within that realizing that time is irrelevant, because the process as self-accepted Self-dishonesty I've manifested myself to be - is here and there is no way out but to walk through each and every single self-dishonesty pattern in 'real' time.

When and as I fear of taking risks and wanting to use patterns what I've defined as worked out/trustworthy, I stop and I realize that if I risk on stopping and changing - I still define what I hold onto in my mind as more important than who I could be without fear therefore I stop fear of losing, I stop defining what I have as who I am and rather I re-define myself to live within self-honesty in each moment and realizing that who I am here I cannot lose therefore all I fear from losing is not me here thus I commit myself to forgive and let go.

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