Monday, February 23, 2015

[JTL Day 220] 3. Living by the principle of self honesty

3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

I've always been looking for the answer, the key, the solution, the resolution for my core - so to speak - problem. I've searched quite far and even more deep yet all I was always facing is the limit I have became.

No one can tell me that the self-limitation can be disregarded in one second - there is no such practice, drug, experience - anyone tries to sell it - it is a lie. Why? Because all I have ended up being here today is a result of a delicate process, a complicated chain of events, decisions, circumstances compressed into my human flesh, the beingness of me and regardless of all of this may look as complicated as seeing all of it's data all at once, in fact it's quite simple if I can see it from the appropriate view- or starting point/perspective.

Am I being honest with myself, absolutely in this moment? Am I able to remain consistent within applying self-honesty within my action to re-define, correct and re-create myself, regardless of any internal or external situation?

Everyone has insights, revelations, realizations - the key is within being able to apply it constantly, otherwise it's a swing-experience, up and down, back and forth and by accepting that - one does not change.

So something requires to be able to applied to develop consistency within the application of one's realizations - without that it's just empty wise, dry data. It's about the physical, practical specificity.

There are points within me what I just can't accept - yet what is the reason I do not change those of me? What is the actual fact what makes me incapable, powerless, inferior or even hopeless within changing aspects/expressions/reactions/perceptions within and as myself?

It's self-acceptance within separation. What is the reason I am not standing equal and one as myself here? - Without any judgement, reaction/thought/feeling/emotion, without any definition and just stand - just be - and embrace as myself?

One also can ask - why being such a picky about not being perfect? Why not accepting being flawed? It's also a point of Self-honesty, because I can have the answer for what is self-dishonest, when I choose something comfortable in self-interest meanwhile am I absolutely sure that I cannot do anything? How can I be so sure if I did not try with all I could? Self-acceptance can be in a way 'dangerous', because it's the integrity of who I accept myself to be and what is the actual definition of life, living, values of what I express, live by, share, not only with me but the rest of the world.

I look at myself, I see something as not cool, yet I do not change, there is a reason - is that reason valid? Can I trust my reasoning, my thinking?

What I feel gaining by a thought? What I need for to think, to have feelings?

Who could I be without definitions - the same as today? Not exactly. What is the reason I do not even try it? The conviction that I am more with this mind in my head, body, beingness - because I am not standing all alone with who I am, directly, here, undefined.

That is a reason - I can open up and become intimate with myself - to really see what are my reasons, my motivations, my purpose.

That's right - can I face my purpose? Am I living my purpose? Am I aware of what is actually my purpose? Can I agree with what I want/think/actually live as my purpose? Are these the same?

An interesting observation about thoughts: I used to think - a LOT - it's like a virtualisation - there are words, meanings, sentences, even dialogues. Remarks, notes - suppression. We all know about the thing called schizophrenia: when someone is going nuts in the head and thinks, even sees things, persons, personalities what are not present, real. There is a fine line among being able to effectively operate as a human in this system by utilizing the thoughts and when one is being distracted/mesmerized/deluded by the thoughts or even obsessed and lost within completely.

There is the realm of 'normal' wherein one can surf safely with the thinking - it's like an inner personal assistant - makes notes, remarks, reminds us for what we should not forget, to see, to do - it can be used as creative visualization to have a better understanding for things, and there are also patterns what can come up as doubt, anger, fear, spite.

It might can look like one is being lucky with cool thoughts while other is being cursed with toxic thinking but the fact is that there is always an equal and one relationship with the person's physical actions and inner thinking.

I am sure many humans can believe that some thoughts can be suppressed, disregarded and even forget - but if we could see a person's life, the thoughts one has and the actions one takes - there is correlation - so it is kind of the same.

This might not mean much, but actually this is one of the keys we can use to transform ourselves from self-delusion to self-honesty, from self-limitation to self-liberation.

Because at first - all I have to do is to understand - the why and how within myself - when my partner goes out and I could just be and enjoy or do something cool, I go into the jealousy coming up in my mind, then there is a reason, there is a scenario. That can be investigated. If one can learn to stick to practical questioning, it can lead to a point wherein I understand all the things I did, perceived, all the consequences I caused and then I see them as a maze - a sort of imaginative visualization - I see the scenarios and I see which leads to - fear. If my partner do cheats on me - then it happens - then I will decide what I will do - do I want to be with her or not - but to be mesmerized with this fear and act upon it - it certainly does not help. If I need to remind me and my partner and all surroundings not to cheat, then that is also a scenario - if I accept that level of 'trust', 'partner', 'myself' - but if I cannot see what is going on here, it's certainly because I lost myself within the thoughts of fear.

I also investigate and understand - when I fear - I am separated from what I fear - I am inferior, I am reactive, I am uncertain, I am lost, therefore I commit myself to understand and stop my fear.

It's a practical skill what one can learn if decides so, just to stick to the consistent application - if there is instability, always write down - then it is a physical process, not just a mind-war among forgetfulness and emotional/energetic distractions meanwhile I am just thinking in circles and ending up doing something resentful and obviously stupid.

Self-honesty starts with the decision that I stop the patterns within I see that I am not directive, I am not understanding, I am incapable of take responsibility for to see it's consequences and my power to stop and change.

If it means I write, I write - it's already gives so many things what supports: slowing down to write word by word, physically writing/typing, actually doing what I decided, to investigate/direct/want to change, what supports me with better clarity, self-trust and practical understanding.

I write and I write down all my thoughts, reactions, doubts, desires, fears, limitations, everything. If I have an objection to write - I start the writing with that - why I resist writing down - what I fear realizing, what I fear losing? Time? What's more important to purify myself from delusions/distractions/fears? Am I able to state that I have zero power to provide to myself a slice of time for self-support? Five minutes?

Am I absolutely right, certain, confident to the degree that I do not need to understand more about who I am, how I am, where I came from, how I became who I am today and what I am going to do?

It is the point of Self-honesty: am I lie to myself when I say with clarity that - I know who I am, I know what I do, I know why I do it and I know that this is the best I can do for me and others?

Do I need reasons why should I consider myself and others as well?

Am I absolutely confident that I am the best of me who I can ever be?

Self-honesty is the mirror which is the key for awareness, responsibility, in fact: power. Power over myself to stop all the patterns what I see that not supports me or others.

Self-honesty is the eye of the needle for not just being self-righteous, all-knowing, super-wise about everything, because all knowledge is useless until it's not lived - and this means change. Am I able to change myself to stop the doubt, fear, the spite, the neglect, the distractions?

With this Process, I see/realize/understand that if I think, I am not whole, I am not here and within that there is also the realization that in fact I am not thinking, I am being subjected to the reflection of thoughts. Each thought is a sort of suppression, words with meaning, purpose - if I am not aware of it, I do not know how and why I am reacting to it or not reacting to it, but certainly accepting the thinking and within it's existence - I am existing as refractions - lost in time and space, because I am uncertain when or where a thought will be triggered what can have an influence on me and all I know for going through this maze of existence is by the thoughts/feelings/emotions and within that I trust these more than myself, I use my mind to have trust, reason, purpose and within that it's fundamentally self-dishonest, because behind all of it, there is nothing really, just automated patterns of uncertainty, fear.

There is a way to synchronize, unify, re-create myself, which is through the process of Self-forgiveness.

I give - for myself the realization of all the reasons, definitions, judgements, suppression, desires, fears, that these are superimposed reflections of my self-dishonesty, originated from fear of loss, fear of change, fear of giving up, fear of just being here.

If it would not be this way, I would not wait, I could just be, to live, to express without the personality of the mind.

I've tried to disregard, dismiss, even destroy all of my mind's personality - it did not work, obviously, because I was fighting me - and within this fight - I can not win - there is always a part of me which loses and then wants to win - it's the oroborous, the self-eating snake, ying and yang. I suggest to not even bother to go into this fight - I've been there, I've gave into all I had at my disposal, I was able to go nuclear in my mind and body - regardless of the intensity, grandiose of this fight's anticipation - energy will not last. Only the human physical body deteriorates. It's the source!

All battle within oneself is a lost cause - it's like wanting to fight war with soldiers to attain peace - exactly, if I look around, how ironic - but in fact what I am going into fight with, there is this perception that it's because I am unable to direct it, I fear from it, I am inferior, I am separated from it and I want to use force to control, dominate, change, destroy it.

If I would be the 'superior', rather using the word 'directive principle', because within self all is equal and one in a way, but then I could just embrace, take over, direct the solution without fight, energy - so within this I realize that the fact is that I've already lost direction, I am not fully myself, as a whole, unified, consistent, stable being. And then I investigate.

I have realized that I ended up with not being exactly the same within thoughts, spoken words and physical actions - it is common, but it is not yet common to stop accepting it, but will be.

Those, who walk the Journey to Life - it takes quite some years, but each step we walk, accumulates to equalize and unify the words we think, say and do - because that is where LIVING starts - when our words start LIVING as ourselves without any conflict, friction, separation.

It's common sense - if I think, say and do the same, the thinking is not internal, it's all unified - I trust myself that what I say and do is what is within, without suppression, conflict, like children do, a sort of innocence, but not in an irresponsible, rather a life-aware way, because I am capable of understand the consequences of my actions and if I see fear - I stop it, because I am seeing how I would compromise Self-honesty, how it would affect me and others and within the self-direction, I am able to stop and change myself without conflict, fight, war, friction. It's possible and even within this human system, wherein we are so busy and living among many people through complicated processes.

This is the principle what can be the starting point for standing equal and one as myself and the whole existence - it's not a mystical, spiritual, religious feeling/experience, it's a simple but consistent application of Self-honesty, which will accumulate into such change what impacts not only my internal but the external reality as well.

I commit myself to ensure that I am pure within thought, word and deed, because it is Self-honesty and to realize that the inner and outer are equal and one and any judgement, reaction, separation I experience about this - is my responsibility to stop.

This is how I approach my 'problem', which is self-limitation, the closed door to the freedom I was always striving for and I realize - it is only me who I am limited by - so I realize - the fear, with I justify not realizing, moving, changing, letting go aspects of me what limits me to unify within thought, word and deed - is not who I am, therefore I commit myself to find practical ways to stop this fear, the need for the fear.

To stop this fear, I see/realize/understand that the self-definition, the physical addiction to energetic experiences, the self-automation I must become aware of within utmost specificity and breath by breath, small act by small act to be able to becoming aware of and embracing it as who I am here and stand as equal and one. Once I stand here undefined, within awareness, self-direction, self-honesty and I stop - not with force, energy, control - but as who I am within oneness and equality.

Within practical terms - among human relationships I have allowed myself to lose clarity, direction, because I allow influences from self-judgements according to patterns I've not yet became aware of that in fact it is not self-honesty, therefore I commit myself to continue the Journey to Life writing/self-forgiveness/sharing/stopping/changing Process until I am here, undefined, unwavering, self-directive, unified and consistent within Self-honesty.

I commit myself to stop caring about how people would think of me, or define me, if I would be consistent and I commit myself to stop the fear that I will change therefore I would not be consistent and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being consistent according to what I do, how I act, what I say instead of realizing that within Self-honesty and Self-trust I can develop consistency within and I trust myself, not patterns and whenever I would use memory or any reaction to define consistency, I stop, I let it go.

I commit myself to stop giving up on myself because of not wanting to give up points what I am facing with and realizing that if I give up everything, I am still here - but if I give up on myself, I am in fact not giving up points what is not me.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand and find practical ways to Live by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa

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