[JTL Day 224] Decomposing the strive for CONTROL

Home fields

I continue with my personality decomposition, this time choosing the word: CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want control, to have control, believing because otherwise I have nothing against fear and pain, meaning fearing from losing the ability of avoiding pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always choose the options what gives me the perception of I am in control about something, someone, or myself, because otherwise I could fall into my mind's temptation of constantly bombing me with possible scenarios of what could happen for then all of those I rather have control, because then I can avoid facing my fear, which is losing myself within pain, within time, meaning wasting my time, wasting my life on not being able to do what I want, what I am, who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that all the stability I've gained and perceive and experience is because I feel I have control over me, over my situations, over my existence and not realizing that it is a facade, not real, but as long as I experience myself being in control, convinced that I did all I could, there is still statistically a percentage of 'happening' what I want, then I feel that everything is in control, therefore I am in balance, I am alright, I am here, I am 'at peace' with me and the 'universe' and not realizing that it is like walking on the edge of a razor, because it's all in my mind which is never stable, thus I am also not stable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within releasing the desire for control, the fear from not having control specifically by each and every single one of currently upcoming fears, so to speak 'systematically' and deal with them with the starting point of 'facing, opening, understanding, forgiving, re-defining, stopping, changing' the point as me as equal as one until it's done, gone, I am here, unified with no more reacting or fearing in any way whatsoever to that one particular point and then directing myself to the next point until I am here, undefined, fearless.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense and the most direct and simplest solution as to understand the need for control and what I fear from losing or facing or experiencing and never getting to the point to clearly see/realize/understand the fact that wherever, whenever I 'control' - it is of separation, based on a polarity, the mind, definition, energy, fear and not unification, based on equality and oneness, the physical, self.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the con word within con-trol and acknowledging that it is of consciousness systems, of separation, of fear, which I justified with that it is what I need, what I have to have in order to survive, to have, to express, to live, meanwhile in fact it is the obvious sign that my starting point is of and as fear, energy, which will not last, thus who I defined myself to be, who I perceive myself to be also will be gone as the same way as it has been created and thus the solution is to dig out/become intimate with myself to the extent of understanding why in the first place I wanted to control in order to realize the separation I've accepted with that particular aspect of self, what I wanted to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the master of control, meaning not being the slave of control, which was a fear in my early days that I am being controlled by others, my family, my school, the system because I could not get or have what I wanted simply, but I had to comply, to follow the rules, to obey, to accept external control within my life, telling me who I must be, how I must be in order to get what I wanted, such as time, space, money to be able to express myself, to be able to create myself, to be able to live which then I accepted and thus became and identified myself with the apparent 'game of life' as 'game of control' and within that became the system as who I am as consciousness as con-troll.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that who wants total control is in fear, which can be understood, but I've focused only to the subject of the act of control, which by I defined 'power' and by the polarity of that definition having the reaction of 'worthy' or 'unworthy' of my attention, which then I've accepted as automatic personality-brick in my mind as defining who I am in terms of a certain activity, a certain possession of material can have a value which then can be a measure of power, such as physical force, physical matter, so defining value according to things in this world, what with one can have control over matter, over others or even themselves.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that at a certain point within my life I concluded that I do not have power over others - yet but wanted and also the same with the physical existence, so I decided to take control over me so to speak, meaning learning how to be able to really do what I want and not experience any resistance or limitation once I've decided to do something and when actually trying this out and really facing resistances from within and self-limitations then defining who I am as somebody who has the goal to walk through all resistances and self-limitation within himself to be able to have absolute control over himself and thus opening the gate up to grasp control of others and all of existence, which then I've never really bothered to acknowledge, because I've defined that I am at the beginning of this path, and when I am perfectly controlling myself, then I would have the time and opportunity to see my relationship with control and all the while not realizing that the starting point for all of the control in the world was because of a fear, fear of not being able to control myself and thus existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how this starting point of control determined the development of my personality, my mind, my very physical beingness, expression and who I am today and not being self-honest with myself in terms of really seeing that it's all based on a fear, which then I've inflated and systematized, layered up and managed to build up a perception of who I am and what is 'me' and what I want and why I want it without stopping for a moment and question all of this with common sense and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within all the personality-development I could not include all others within the 'equation of control', so I've injected others as the whole process of finding myself, my control over myself and existence is not for me, but also for all others, because once I would be in full control of me, then I would not have any goal anymore but consider others as well, but for that, at first, I have to focus on me, only me, me, me, me.

Home garden

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I focus to my fear, the more I want control, and the more I want control, the more I justify to accept my fear and do according to that starting point to avoid, while not realizing that in fact by that I create what I fear from, I manifest what I resist, I face what I separate from myself until the inevitable point of realization of who I've accepted myself to manifest as which then I have to take responsibility for to unify and solve, meaning to stop the perception of separation and realize the fact that I am one with and as life with all of existence as equal, wherein no matter what I do, there is always consequence, thus to perceive, to express myself only considering me, I create separation, friction, which then I would fear facing and wanting to have control over to be able to exclude from my life and never realizing that if anybody else would face that consequence of my fear, then it is still them, as life as me, so in fact I abuse me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware what exactly I've did in order to have the experience of having control in my life, such as gathering knowledge, learning, studying, practicing, experimenting to be able to have definitions, rules, laws, regulations, memories, images to always be ready in my mind to be able to explain everything, to 'box in' everything, to always be able to feel like 'known' about things, because then there would be some information which by I would know or possibly guess what is going on, what I should do to remain stable, to remain effective, to be able to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the human civilization's law system of what I can or can't do, the belief systems of what is the meaning, purpose, sense of my human existence, what is good, what is bad for me or others and never questioning it, even when by exploring the human world system realizing that within different countries, cultures, there are different laws, belief systems of who we are, where do we came from, where are we going, and always trying to get that answer from outside of me, because if I would find something what is like similar to what I feel, who I want then I would be more control over me, because then there would be a relation with this world, and then I could use that relationship to stabilize and trust within my convictions about who I am and what I should do or what the things really are what I experience in existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always have a reason, a conscience in my mind of what I do and why in order to have a certainty, a stability, a sense of direction to what I do and who I am, so then I never 'run out' of reasons, so then I would never stop to feel that I am clueless, goalless, out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that without control I am an animal, an instinct-machine, an organic robot which then goes back to the programming of ancestors, the biology, the survival, the pure self-interest, which from I wanted to protect myself and others in the fear of if I would not have control, I would simply get what I want regardless of others, regardless of respect for life or dignity, which then I would not like because then that would mean losing another layer of control, which is for ensuring that I am 'good'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to understand my desires and fears and how those are related and in fact built upon the experience of pain and the goal for avoidance of fear and within that defining the ultimate goal such as 'love' which then would mean that when I love, then I am good, when I hate, I am bad, and then believing this as golden rule regardless of anything, any reason, common sense, logic, because if then anyone could persuade me that love is not good, then I would become negative, and within this not seeing that I completely given my mind, my self-definitions permission to tell me who I am what I must do and how I must feel, regardless of anything else but of thoughts, feelings, emotions, which then I've defined as much as me as my physical actions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop to the extent that all thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, rules, definitions, knowledge, laws, reactions would stop within me and I would just be, simply be, without any definition, here, as the physical and explore what is here, who I am without any definition, any conviction, any control, any belief, desire or fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed to accept myself who I am in this moment simply as who I am and always wanting to be in motion in my mind, to always generate energy, reaction, to have a plan, conviction, to be prepared, always ready to explain, to make sense, to use what I have known and trust within these and not realizing the sobering fact that in the very moment I rely on any of these, of any thought, feeling, emotion, I am compromised, given up, diminished as myself, as here, as simplicity, as whole, as present, as unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that there is a beingness, a sprout, a seed of life within and as me as who I am here as a human physical body living physical being, which for to open up, to grow, to expand, to really live, I must let go all of the consciousness I accepted and allowed to rely on to know, to experience, to behave, to express until I am here, completely naked in my mind, undefined, unified, equal and one with and as my human physical body without any need for or fear from control and be able to direct myself as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control everything around me and at certain situations, also others, because I don't trust in them and I don't trust that they could manage to do what I want or what I don't want and also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control people because believing that what I want from them doing or not doing is important so whatever is important to me I want to ensure that it will be the way I want otherwise I would not feel good, certain, because that would mean what I planned do not happen which means I wasted time on planning and also why I planned will fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to control everything because of fear of failure, fear of losing opportunity and chance, resource, time and within that losing myself, because by time I will get old and also die so I must be specific and effective and the more I feel I am not directing the situation the more I feel I need to control it and not realizing that control is always of separation, fear, while direction is the equal and one relationship I should find and realize and express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control where I live by always being able to do what I want and no one should tell me what I should do otherwise I would fear that not I am in control but I am controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist things and others and communication when I feel that I am being controlled and that would make me feel uncomfortable and not wanting to do it because that I would define as not me in control, thus I am losing, I am lost, I am wasting resource and time.

Violet Valley

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into emotions based on someone's expression and by that emotion moving/acting/behaving a certain way because within that moment feeling and defining that I am being controlled and becoming angry and within that not realizing that if I totally focus on that anger reaction, meanwhile I do not see where it comes from and why I grow it and from a point I simply want to exert it, become it and then the other person would experience it and would believe that I make her/him angry, meanwhile I know that I am making myself angry for what I accept and allow instead of stopping and always re-assessing, reconsidering, re-adjusting my stance, starting point in order to be able to take self-direction with the point as myself here without emotional reaction, without need for control, without fear from not being able to control, without the fear of losing time, myself simply realizing that also the consequence of manifesting the fear of losing time and myself is also an emotional reaction which by in fact I am wasting more time while being absolutely ineffective, so I immediately, unconditionally stop, breathe here and say no more self-acceptance of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to trust others when I do not trust myself and within that wanting others to be able to do things for me, with me, even when I did not explained to them what I want why I want but only wanting the outcome to happen which is not practical and quite impossible, because the other person do not really know what I want, expect yet still allowing myself to give permission to my mind to be frustrated about it instead of simply realizing where exactly and how I have to open up communication, direction to re-align the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can stop controlling trust based on cons and conditions, rather directing myself and my trust with common sense and thus not needing to worry for giving away my trust to somewhere where I can't expect to have and also realizing that real self-trust which is the foundation of myself, my expression, my being here can not be projected out, conditioned, therefore if in any moment I see that I lose trusting myself based on a condition, an experience, an event, then it is my immediate responsibility to sort that out, understand how I've created that and absolutely stopping participating within and living the change that I do trust myself and within that moment seeing what with I don't and then I continue stopping all doubt and also realizing what are the points/aspects of myself what I can trust and what are which at the moment should not.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to map out myself, my mind, my reactions, my desires, my fears, my trust, my doubt specifically to be able to exactly see what I can and can not trust and what with I can expand my trust or what is with I can't and seeing the reason and considering shall/can I change that and then deciding it and living that decision until I am trust unconditionally.

to be continued with specifying the origin and source points of the accepted patterns of control in my life what are based on self-dishonesty to be able to stop before participating and start trusting myself directly

[JTL Day 223] Decomposing Fear of Pain

Eclipse 2015 March

I continue with the personality decomposition from my last post:

• [JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

The point from where I continue is the state when I feel uncomfortable, pain. Recently I had a taste of it, almost all day I had a headache. I rarely have headaches, but when I do, I experience myself quite differently, mostly notable that my 'sphere of awareness' is extremely reduced, which itself makes me react already like a 'caged animal', because I got used to the experience of actively and passively noticing things around me, which gives the 'feel' of I can have options, not just 'sliding through an experience-tube' by constantly reacting things without seeing ahead.
So it's a wakefulness, a sort of alertness I 'normally' 'have'/'do', which as I see, has a part of personality and has a part of natural self-expression, which if I 'lose', I am less 'comfortable' already and the reason I write about it here is exactly the decomposition and self-honest realization of need for correction, re-alignment as it's based on fear, separation, self-interest.

I do not feel comfortable while being defined, automatically boxed into states/reactions, even if it's coming from within, because it's not practical - the moment is always blooming absolutely uniquely within each breath, so by self-automation I actually compromise myself based on a self-definition, a conviction, an idea or a fear, which the more I accepted in the past, the more I allow to be part of me without questioning, without being able to see/realize/understand it/me and be able to stop, change.

So as I wrote about energy, seriousness and personality, fear - here I add another word-dimension: PAIN.

When I do experience pain, I have the tendency to become much less open, present and my personality gets a goal to ensure to minimize and stop the pain to be able to return to the state of wakefulness.

But what are the points behind my personalities what has been defined/formed and shaped who I am today according to pain?

I walk Self-forgiveness to explore the self-definitions I've accepted to consist of to see what I have to understand/stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my goal, reason and purpose to stop and avoid experiencing pain, because defining that pain is bad, pain is changing me, pain is ruining me, pain is destroying me by defining that it takes all my attention, energy to itself, feeling like demanding all my beingness to give into which I do not want to because feeling like losing myself, my time, my resources, my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the fact that when I experience pain, that it means something, when my human physical body experiences pain, it means a problem, which means requires attention and solution.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply common sense to ask myself what is my pain actually means and why I experience it, what would be the common sense to do in order to assist/support myself when experiencing physical pain to heal/recover.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that it is completely up to me to define and act upon fear of who I am and what I am going to do and even when I am in pain - I am still here and my actions still have consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something to be feared, avoided in all cost, even if it means to realize/expose something self-dishonest/delusional because of the fear of loss, fear of unknown, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge that I fear from pain because of fear of change, because fearing that if I would have pain, I would have remain within pain and within the experience of pain I am accepting and allowing myself to be reactive, self-interested, the opposite of aware and being able to consider my environment, others, which is not necessary, just it is how I've accepted and allowed myself to define as a protection mechanism personality manifestation in case of pain and fear of pain, which I can open up, understand, stop and change within consideration of myself, solution and others as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that within the experience of pain I would do something reckless, irresponsible to myself or to others what I would regret when the consequence could not be changed once I did it, therefore within the experience of pain I try to close down and suppress myself as much as possible to avoid harm and within that becoming afraid of acting irresponsibly which then I would use to fuel to be able to close myself down more and not realizing that by this the more I become automatic, reactive and in fact be able to take responsibility for myself and my surroundings and in fact be able to apply the common sense for actual solution to stop the pain and also to prevent it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately program myself, my personality, my reactions, my physical beingness to automatically choose to avoid pain, even when the pain is not great, long and rather choosing avoiding it than choosing common sense, which does not mean to abuse my human physical body, but for instance when necessary to work hard and it's consequence would be some pain to refuse it within the fear of pain and it's consequence without awareness, without consideration or common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give permission to my mind, my thoughts, feelings, emotions to always have right when it comes about to avoid pain, avoid situation of possibility for pain, and justify it with the reason of 'I should not feel pain and it is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically exclude others from my consideration when I experience pain with the justification of 'I have the right to disregard everything else but my pain and my reaction/strategy to apply for this pain' without any awareness of consequence and ability to apply common sense, overwritten by the self-automation I've defined who I am in reaction to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can remain here, present, self- and life-aware, within consideration of myself and others, consequences and manifestations even during the experience of pain, just first I should understand, decompose and stop my current personality definitions according to reactions to pain and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define pain as something within I lose myself, within what I do not feel myself, I can't experience myself but the pain itself and not realizing that within that moment what I automated myself to do is self-separation, trying to exclude myself from the pain, the experience by creating polarity in my mind, energetic experiences and within that not seeing that in fact I separate myself from myself and within that split I lose directive principle with/on/as myself and that losing I am completely aware of and that I feel like losing myself which I do not want and never realizing the common sense to embrace myself, embrace the pain.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I fear being changed by pain then I am manifested in a way that in case of pain I will change and within fearing to lose myself who I am in regards to pain actually I manifest the experience of losing the self-definition about who I am in pain and all the while I am not fully myself but who I defined myself according to pain which was not real therefore who I act as in the meantime is also not who I really am but according to the fear and self-definition about pain, which is completely my creation.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that according to the avoidance of pain, the fear of pain I've created myself and my starting point, my personality, my reactions, my actions only within the consideration of my own interest, which I believed who I am and not realizing that I actually am existing also within the rest as well just I've accepted and allowed myself to be completely occupied with my experience, my personality about to avoid and prevent my pain in the fear of losing who I am and not seeing/realizing/understanding that within the reaction to fear I am manifesting the actual losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I activate a personality within my mind to tell me how to behave, how to react, how to feel, how to act, I fear of pain, fear of losing myself within pain, and not realizing that within focusing to this experience and physical reaction to fear I create what I participate within, thus strengthening this fear, fear of pain, fear of fear to such extent that there is no other reason exists but to justify to avoid the fear and pain, even if it's not real, not related to the current scenario I am within.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware of the thought/feeling/emotion process of convicting myself about how I react to fear, to pain and believing that I can't directly feel, experience, be this pain but needing to define/relate to/think/feel/have emotion about in order to process/to deal with because if I would absolutely and totally embrace it as this is who I am in this moment, I believed that I would lose myself or I would change to such an extent that I would again: lose myself and not realizing that what I can lose might not be me at all and within that who I perceive, think, define myself to be according to fear, pain, experiences, situations is not really who I am but what I created in order to deal with myself/what is here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to actually question and explore, realize and understand the origin of pain within my human physical body and my relationship to it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that how and when I abuse and exploit my own human physical body as life-source with the process of mind-activities and within that taking responsibility to stop the abuse of fueling mind consciousness systems within myself with the fear and my automatic reactions to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any resistance to face any fear is also a layer of self-definition of fear and it creates conflict within me which means energy, polarity, friction toward something I accepted and allowed myself to exist within relationship through and as consciousness systems based on words manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, images and never realizing that what I resist persists and the more I try to separate it from me here, the more I manifest it in and as this physical existence within the perception of separation but in fact I am always one and equal with all what is here as creator, creation and created within equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to accept and allow systems within me separated from me being directly here is based on resistance, fear, which is of friction, conflict and the only way to take responsibility and become the directive principle of all who I am within and as existence is unification, embracing all who I am existing as today and stop participating within what is self-dishonest, based on fear, self-interest unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the practicality and common sense, effectiveness and directness of the writing/sounding/acting self-forgiveness in relation to all self-accepted relationships I exist and consist of to recognize all patterns of what is not self-honest, what is not supporting all life and simply stop participating one by one until I am free of any fear, any need of separation, any systems of self-definitions, any mind-participation.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that the process of application of self-forgiveness is the process of finding and expanding, manifesting and expressing unconditional self-trust, self-direction and self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within the experience of pain I've allowed myself to be defined as the victim, prey, that I can't do anything about it so the best strategy against it is to prevent pain at all cost, even if it means to act upon this prevention at all cost, meaning only considering my interest of this prevention of pain.
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I commit myself to stop participate within any resistance toward pain, to accept any justification and excuse for why not to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest, become in order to realize/see/understand the utmost responsibility I have within embracing, stopping, changing all what is here which is not as Life as who I am as equal as one.

I commit myself to see/realize/understand in every aspect of my breathing life that there is not a single consequence I can escape from in this existence thus the common sense is to face/embrace/unify myself with all what is here as who I am and stop the mind of thoughts/feelings/emotions of self-dishonesty breath by breath within the accumulation of walking the Process of Application of Self-Forgiveness.

I commit myself to decompose all aspects of my manifested behavior which entails, contains, tainted, stimulated, influenced by fear of pain and realize that the fear from changing by facing, experiencing, embracing pain is futile within the fact that the more I separate myself from what I have allowed here in and as the physical, the more I lose directive principle thus unable to take responsibility to stop and change as myself as equal as one, therefore I commit myself to stop running and hiding from fear and within that from pain as realizing that who I am should not be defined or influenced by any fear therefore if I see it within me moving, reacting, I investigate, understand, forgive and stop myself as this self-definition, as this reaction until there is nothing here only the "I am here".

When and as I see a responsibility but I resist it because of any fear or pain, not seeing any gain or not feeling any energy by it - I motivate myself as decision, self-will, act as self-direction without any need for stimulation, gain or fear from lose, based on principled living of what is best for all with practical common sense.

When and as I fear from changing by experiencing pain, I become aware of the pattern what I used to use for avoiding the pain and becoming the personality for avoiding this pain and realizing what is the starting point of this fear, who I am as it's source and what I must be done in order to prevent further pain to cause.

When and as I experience pain, I realize that as I move toward my center of my being and excluding my reality, others - it is a pattern what I've developed by time and the same way I can decompose, stop it and become practical instead of reactive, open and directive instead of closed and reactive by acting immediately with self-trust, self-movement.

When and as I resist losing something within risking, I apply common sense and stop using the excuse of 'not wanting to be reckless and irresponsible' in order to justify fear of pain and fear of fear and trust myself to find my limits and walk through them breath by breath.

When and as I see that I am not trusting myself unconditionally, I stop and I re-align and forgive myself about everything I have in my mind and realize that all is excuse for accepting self-limitation instead of living self-direction so within that I write, sound, apply self-forgiveness unconditionally.

When and as I see that I face timelooping within facing/stopping/changing a pattern which does not support me, I ask for support, not allowing myself to get possessed by the idea of 'I must have to fight this', 'I am handling it', 'I got this' as realizing it is not about myself and within that realizing that within DesteniIProcess course and the group I can express my points to get support without any fear of judgement or separation and within that to realize that when I am able to assist and support others, it is myself who I give support to and assist to within the practical application of walking through self-separation, self-dishonest self-interest and thus re-writing, re-aligning, re-educating, re-birthing myself as life as equality and oneness in and as this human physical body.

[JTL Day 218] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 2

I am further exploring the Sounding Self-forgiveness from the previous post:

• [JTL Day 217] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 1

I see expansion - the forced forgetfulness excuse is gone, that is a make belief that I can't remember what I said, especially if I said more and more sentences.

I am present, I walk through the word constructs within my mind and I detach from energetic automatic programming with Sounding Self-forgiveness.

There is still sometimes an urge to quicken up, this has been a massive construct in my mind, due to the extreme amount of psychedelic drugs I've pushed through my system in the starting point of energy and light delusion, but it's decomposing as well.

Well, the point is that I've also avoided to talk and share about quite some amount of topics which I am becoming aware of, mostly because I first cross-reference all I experience to prevent further self-deception, which I've accepted and allowed previously within the spiritual deceptive agendas I've also participated within.

By walking the Desteni I Process courses during the last couple of years - there is no doubt it is supporting me within the substantiating of self-presence, self-trust and self-direction.

Whole points, what previously I've judged in my life as 'my greatest challenges' are becoming daily walk to face and re-align with practical change if I see self-dishonesty in my starting point-action, such as partnership, fear of not being good enough and fear of mistakes.

The process is just started, which is humble, because the recognition of the same LIFE is within all, equally and if one is not acting according to that, there is no need any more explanation that the one is still walking personal process from pre-programmed mind consciousness system to all-life-aware awareness self-expression.

Sounding Self-forgiveness is immediate, direct, stabilizing and physical expression if it's self-honest.

So the points I've been realized about it recently are:

• if the words would want to come out faster than I can say the words aloud, sounding alright, then it is indicating there is a rush coming from my mind, which means I direct myself to slow down, there can be an unrealistic perception, conviction making me believe that I need to rush or it's better or it's like pouring a bucket out - which is then not self-direction, so I stop, I breathe and I express word by word as myself and within those words I live them literally as myself, as I really give for myself a new understanding, a new chance, a new direction.

• if there is a perception that after a Self-forgiveness point/sentence/expression/understanding/exploration, there is another coming up, like I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear and then in the next moment I see this fear closer, so I see that it is common sense to continue with that I forgive myself for accepting myself to fear from mistakes and then I open up what kind of mistakes, why fearing from specific mistakes, until I am not aware of all it's parts - I do not have to go through the reactions, thoughts, word constructs and it's energy reactions to 'feel' it - I forgive myself until I am becoming 'aware' of it - it's like in the Matrix movie: Don't think you are - Know you are. Because if I know myself, I do not need to think anymore, I MOVE, I ACT, I LIVE, I EXPRESS.. And if it's not constant, consistent, then I apply Self-forgiveness to KNOW SELF HERE first. This is when going down the rabbit hole - no matter how deep it is - I keep digging until I see everything - from where this 'fear' started within and as me. And the tendency to give up, to stop digging until I am aware of all aspects can arise. So it is also a self-reflection point to see - until when I apply Self-forgiveness. Within Self-honesty there can be learned to be aware of it - is there any layer, is there any reaction/energy/movement still within me which I am not aware of? I am seeing all parts of it to such a degree that I can practically assist and support myself within stopping and changing?

Within Sounding Self-forgiveness allowing myself to not stop within worry of not having enough time, but disciplining myself to stick to absolute specificity the most direct way I can unveil who I have accepted and allowed myself to became.

I remember, when I started to write this blog around 2008, many times I wrote about one-two pages when I've got to the more direct, self-supportive self-honest writing expression - then by days, months, years it can become a skill - there is still sometimes that I sit down writing without specific direction - and I can recognize it - and I can apply specificity and face and walk through points more directly. It's a process, these are skills which are essential for the human being to understand, stop and transcend the normally accepted insanity of constant time-looping within personality programs of self-interest, the delusion of all-power love meanwhile having absolutely no real purpose, principle and integrity in relation to taking responsibility for existence here.

Also it is important to face any reaction/construct justifying why not needing to apply self-forgiveness.

'I do not need to forgive my promiscuity desires, I will just live them out and during that I will let them go'.

If I fear letting go a pattern, it is because there is self-definition, which I fear losing because then I would need to change which I do not want and then by being identified with my mind/thoughts/reactions/resistances - I accept it as self-limitation and even label it as 'this is who I am' and stop questioning it.

There is this delusion that I must live and try everything first to really see that it is not really what I want - not realizing that there is always consequence within physical time-space.

One can walk through any desires- regardless of how tempting or simple, easy they seem - even that within my mind there are things what seem to be more big and important, those perceptions are for manipulate self to be able to label points, things, self-dishonesties as 'small', 'insignificant', but in fact everything always accumulates and from small things build up everything one by one.

It's also about Self-application with Self-forgiveness - if I define that 'I do not apply Self-forgiveness to take responsibility in this moment, but will do it later' - it is an action, a decision, there is consequence and the more I do it the more I literally become this pattern up to a point where I do not even 'need to reason/justify', because I am totally biased by myself.

If I look around in this world, it is the constant acceptance and allowance of small things what accumulated into this total separation from our beingness with energy, being in the substance but not as it, feeling imprisoned in the physical while in fact our prison is the mind, the justification of why shit happens, because of this is how things turned out and not realizing that we are not just part of this creation, but we actually are creation.

With Self-forgiveness we take this responsibility as creator, created and creation as equal and one and word by word we can literally understand re-align our expression to stop the accumulation of acceptance and allowance of self-acceptance, self-limitation, self-delusion.

Sounding Self-forgiveness also has the physical voice, sound - and immediately we can hear if the words are not spoken well, clearly, is there any wavering, uncertainty, difficulty, resistance, energy - then to explore that as well and in the moment apply that further understanding into more specificity and direct change, here in and as the physical.

I will continue further about Sounding Self-forgiveness...

[JTL Day 211] Conditional Standing

There has been some realizations regarding to how I compromise my consistency when I am exhausted, sick which bugs me since a while, thus I re-align here with written words to assist and support within real time physical change. So much things happened and I am definitely going to share all points here.

In short, at times when I am sick, tired, exhausted, I tend to let everything go and focus on resting fully, it's like a program which defines my purpose to rest as much as possible to recover quickly to be able to continue with what I was busy with before the illness/exhaustion.
There is a point when it is supportive to really just lay down and do nothing but there is when I can have a tendency to use it as a backdoor, an old habit to re-create experiences, inner reactions, behaviors what I would not do usually because already 'realized' that it is not absolutely self-honest, for instance to 'fall' into entertainment while disregarding discipline, commitment, integrity and self-honesty.

The mental, emotional, physical feel of 'lack of energy' triggers some pre-programmed behavior to re-fuel the mind, the personality, the act of separation from directly be here as unified and it is of self-dishonesty - I can - and in fact anyone can and should live directly as the flesh of life without the mind, without the fear, the definitions, energy - just substance as expression here.
As much it can sound as spiritual - it isn't - though many spiritual path mention the transcendence or stopping the mind - to walk this path is completely different, which is stopping the addition to energy, to thoughts, to fear, to desires and develop self-trust, self-honesty, self-consistency here - it is challenging, but doable - there is a free online course which can support one to start learning how to assist and support oneself to face and stop the limitations of the mind: http://lite.desteniiprocess.com
I would not suggest it if it would not be that exceptionally supportive.

So: Conditional standing - how and why I allowed to standing up from the mind to become conditional to the mind thus creating the trap of 22?


Let's walk!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that there is one point I am relying on within standing up as LIFE - and it is the mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am deceiving myself within the process of standing up through and as my mind - with energy - allowing relying on energy, meaning when feeling tired, sick, ill, exhausted, in pain - letting go of standing up and holding onto the idea of need to pull myself together, rest, recover by methods what in fact give energy - meaning stopping the process of standing up from energy to direct me and go into reactions such as entertainment, lust meanwhile manifesting conflict, friction within me because exactly seeing I am giving up into I've committed myself to stop participating within.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become occupied with energetic reactions, movements, definitions, within my mind and body and disregarding what is here as reality of why in the first place I let go my commitment, what I've decided to do such as decomposing, releasing, removing automatic time looping which self-dishonest choices I've made, which does not consider all beings here but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself of giving up into energetic hardwires within my mind and wanting to feel the energy as this is I've pre-defined as being alive while already proven to myself that this is not really who I am but of consequences and within the self-judgement I create what I should do yet not doing so, defining myself as not absolutely being within direction, which to see, experience, observe feels irritating thus creating a conflict, friction within me of then why I do not stop if I see it and going into the reaction for this conflict instead of seeing exactly what it is and why I do what I do for a deeper understanding.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by creating friction within me I accumulate energy to stand up and never realizing the moment I engage within this that it is of conditions, thus always re-creating the same scenario - standing up and falling - and then using reactions, emotions, feelings, thoughts to judge me and then create friction with what to generate energy to stand up and not realizing that the very starting point of using energy to stand up is of self-dishonesty thus invalidating the whole process of standing up, because what fuels the standing up process is dependent of falling into the mind thus never really standing up but only approaching and 'being failed', 'being judged as failed because of failed'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my standing up was an intent, not direct self-expression because conditioned to friction, energy, judgement, a perception of not good, not good enough thus by that triggering the point of standing up, because conditioned to the idea and definition, judgement and experience of falling.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the energy creation of friction by inner conflict is not me, not real, not self, but of and as fear, in and as the mind thus anything I do according to this energy - it is self-delusion, self-dishonesty and if I react, define, accumulate according to it - I will be facing chasing a mirage and ending up realizing the starting point with I've created it: fear of loss. Fear of change, fear of being without energy, fear of not moving.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be persuaded with my thoughts that there could be any moment wherein I do not have to push, direct, and birth myself as physical but when I could go into mode of entertainment as self-defined and thus creating reaction, friction and losing principle, losing presence, losing myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that being so close for continuous and constant standing up, I've allowed myself to gain false confidence with what boosting into experience and not considering and acting according to facts.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically list and remember the points I've allowed myself to define the reasons and justifications of how and why exactly I've allowed myself to go back into the habit of be the starting point as the mind and thus not being aware what I manifest as consequence until the experience of fall of energy directs me and then I react with thoughts, emotions and then when the energy is gone and facing what I allowed then feeling the guilt, shame and sorrow and then activating wait and hope that next time won't happen because I don't want and also judging myself as not good enough and by that stimulating myself to start to move and then move only and until this shame and guilt and sorrow is fueling and then gaining confidence and not realizing that I do not change, I do not trust myself directly but of and as constructs of habits, personalities, reactions without being aware of what exactly these are such as exhausting myself and then being sick and then feeling low on energy and wanting to boost energetic states with arousal, adrenaline, coffee, laughter, entertainment such as wanting to have sex, playing computer game, watching films, watching things on internet what looks interesting or just I can judge them as negative or positive.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand when and how I exactly lose presence from physical and where abusing my human physical body within the altair of experience, praising the mind and reactions instead of be equal and one with and as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to apply self-forgiveness to points wherein I am losing presence, when I am not directing myself, when I deliberately exhaust myself with the perception of I have to do more until I can instead of realizing it has the starting point of fear of not being good enough.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to go deeper with the 'not being good enough' experience of understanding exactly what I participate within and why and solve the problem of fear which is based on comparison, imagination not considering reality.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to feel physically fully here when I am experiencing fear in and as my mind, body, when energy moves within me, thought reactions energize, feeling the electric movements from my solar plexus, my muscles wiggle, when not being aware of the physical breath and allowing myself to accumulate it to a degree of being absolutely tired and exhausted and completely sucked into the mind and just wanting to get to sleep and try to recover and start over to stand up.

-
When and as I feel myself unstable, weak, exhausted, tired, sick, distanced - I remember - this is a point I've been indirectly accepting to compromise my standing up without ever questioning it - thus I check, whether I am able to assist and support myself without going back to the old habits what with I was unable to be satisfied because the obviousness of self-acceptance of self-dishonesty, thus it is not supporting if at any sign of exhaustion, weakness I experience, define, react-to I allow myself to just lay back into the mind to re-stabilize myself with the same patterns I've been working on to practically let go, stop, transcend and change myself from.

When and as I see that I want to rest, take a break, recover, heal, I do continue to breathe, as presence, as self-direction, even within resting, within healing - meaning continuing with observing the mind, pushing physical presence, exploring practical ways to remain here, directive, stopping being influenced with energy by practical understanding, knowing of how and why I react to what and decide to stop without allowing inner conflict, friction to use for directing myself.

When and as I am sick - I simply rest, without judging, defining blame to myself, I trust myself, I allow myself to feel the pain, the physical state, even if it means to become one and equal with all the pain, suffering, uncomfortability and I stand - there is no way to escape from consequence, this is where and who I am as physical presence and I realize - anytime I escape into the mind - that is not real haven, that is not lasts, that is not really me - thus I accumulate direction, consistency and decision to express within each moment, regardless of my physical state, my conditions.

When and as I am tired, exhausted, hungry, feeling weak, ill, sick - I slow down within and ensure that I do not get lost within reactions towards positive and negative energy - and even if it means not behave as I would want, I realize that is of self-definition and any related reaction to it is still the mind - I trust myself and I express and I remain present, direct, physical, even if it means completely stopping, completely allowing myself to embrace physical presence and I allow and explore, direct and accept to be fully here breath by breath.

When and as I am resisting to rest - I check - am I in my body fully here or I am rushing ideas from my mind to do without considering, more importantly: respecting my human physical body? And I commit myself to consider, physically feel and respect my body as giving what I'd like to receive - unconditional love, care, support, birthing as life.
When and as I am exhausted or sick or unable to do what I committed to act - I look into the circumstances and conditions, apparent choices and reactions I've made to learn more about how and why I acted so, especially when after that I've judged myself as not cool.
When and as I see that I am exhausting myself because at this moment I am not feeling tiredness, however I am certainly aware of that how much I've slept before, how soon I have to wake up as rested yet I am high on what I do as judging it as positive - I stop and let all go and I realize I can trust myself within not falling into the 'constant resting' so while resting keeping up with discipline, presence,direction.

-
I commit myself to explore further how and when I disregard the process of standing up based on conditions, especially when feeling uncomfortable, exhausted, sick, ill, weaker, tired - and realizing that if any condition I allow to influence, direct me to tell me who I am - I am not yet myself but of accumulated acceptance of self-dishonesty, which I stand up to breath by breath.

I commit myself to slow down and let everything go when I am losing physical presence and I direct myself to remain here - even if fear, uncomfortability, pain comes - I embrace and stand and remain here, directive.

I commit myself to develop self-trust within to distinguish embracing to remain here and self-acceptance and endurance, meaning it is not to accept everything as it is and to remain so, but from the dishonest mind perspective first to accept the facts here - yet not accepting that as who I must be, but as the current consequence of my past actions and not-actions which I must understand within absolute specificity, naturally, breath by breath, act by act.

I commit myself to explore the practical ways to remain here, directive, within process of self-forgiveness while being in pain, uncomfortability and exhaustion and realizing that I can remain self here regardless of anything if I am able and willing and actually living the re-alignment and physical change.

I commit myself to decompose all self-definitions I accepted and allowed to accumulate within my mind about how I must feel and behave, react to and do when having pain, uncomfortability, exhaustion, sickness until I am standing here with empty, black, whole mind which is me as life as directive principle here within absolute self-honesty in all moments equally.

By listening these EQAFE interviews and working on an Agreement Course assignment some new points opened up which with I will continue in the next post, but to give a direction to it concisely: PERFECTION.

EQAFE is one crucial support within the Unification of Man - the only thing to be really grateful for it is to not just listen, understand but to actually LIVE the words of it, as it is an invaluable support for anyone who is willing to invest time and practical effort within Self-realization to widen perspective, gain awareness and take responsibility for what is really happening within and as ourselves and the world around us.

• https://eqafe.com/p/create-your-change-reptilians-part-353
• https://eqafe.com/p/insecurity-real-change-atlanteans-part-254
• https://eqafe.com/p/a-touch-of-white-light-journeys-into-the-afterlife-part-71

[JTL Day 206] Tiredness vs Awareness part 6 - practicality

This is the continuation of the mind-tiredness patterns and expanding on impatience:

• [JTL Day 205] Tiredness vs Awareness part 5 - impatience

So I've been 'practicing' the moment of truth with myself so to speak, when at moments I need to wait yet I want to rush forward, currently pronouncing: with computers.

I mention it as moment of truth - in fact all moment is truth - but do we realize it?

When I am facing the point of friction because within my mind I want to rush while not being aligned with reality, kind of reality feels like drags me down, pulls back, or at least I judge it like that in my mind and thus judging it as bad and that creates the friction, energy, charge experience.

I have a cool example: I am using a browser add-on which allows me to set up my Stumbleupon account and be able to 'Like' a page simply with a keyboard shortcut - thus whatever page I find as cool Self-support, simply being able to add it to my Stumbleupon profile's collection.

Sometimes Stumbleupon just marks it as 'Liked' and adds it immediately but sometimes it loads a pop-up for clarifying that the page is safe for work, can be tagged, give a quote and more info about it.

Then a pop-up page appears where this can be set up and it recently changed, thus it does not load almost immediately, but mostly in 2-3 seconds. Also after filling the form when I send it - it also takes 1-3 seconds to send it and I have to wait while if I click away it cancels sending thus I literally have to stop doing anything.

Initially when this change happened and I tried to add a page to my SU. collection, I've had this reaction like 'holy shit, how long I have to wait' - and after that I've wrote my previous blog post.

I mean I was so impatient, that I've felt like losing my life on needing to wait for 2 seconds! Because in my mind I've defined this as a simple gesture when added to a keyboard shortcut, that is why those shortcuts exist, right? I just press and the machine gets it and then I am already 'on' my next moment.

But obviously many things happen meanwhile as it's in sync with my SU profile, checks the site itself, loads the form of extra questions, sends it, sends reply - being a programmer I KNOW that it takes a lot to manage something like this, especially in a multi-million-user system, like Stumbleupon.

So about this I almost started to form a judgement as a point of frustration - and then as writing all of these blog posts - I was able to slow down and stop for a moment and take a breath. It's just that - and the page's loaded.

And then I've realized what I've wrote about previously - it is always one breath to let it all go and be here, just be and remain here.

And we can be always one breath away from HERE, but sometimes to get here it's obviously a process, cannot be forced or just be changed in one moment within behavior, chain-reactions of automated, self-defined judgements we feel as it is who we are, but within walking Process one moment another, in a sense it is Self Here already walking and that is the most profound thing a human can achieve: to change and direct oneself one breath at a time and walk through the self-created mind-limitations unconditionally.

Within this it's to acknowledge that each written word about our mind, our relationship with our mind, behavior, the reactions, the realizations, the points needing to understand more, to see it before going into the same patterns, to stabilize, to slow down, to feel the presence - these all accumulate into a more aware, more present, more responsible human being to be able to direct ourselves to become.

I see that by writing this, I have the opportunity to forge this realization into practical ability to remain here and consistent within effective and present breathing to prevent myself going into reaction and at the same time to be able to intimately see what is the reason I am going into reaction and behind the layers there is always judgement, fear which is not necessary and in fact the opposite of real support for effective solution.

And the tendency within my mind to re-create and evolve existing patterns can still surprise me sometimes for instance when activating the Stumbleupon keyboard shortcut and coming this impatience reaction and within that automatically saying to myself: 'patience mode, breath' - and to realize it is already of a pattern which is in fact not absolute self-honesty, because there is still a reason, a condition, thus not self here is expressing but again: leaning on and hiding behind a condition, a rule, a judgement, separation, pattern and for that there is Self-honesty as a compass to then engage myself more within specifying the understanding for why I still do not remain here unconditionally, what is the reason, the memory, the self-definition that I still rely on more than absolute self-trust.

And for that the Desteni group, study material, the online courses and EQAFE lectures are the key support - to understand my creation and within that grasping the whole existence's creation and thus to be able to effectively walk through the layers of the mind consciousness system, which is indeed vast, but not infinite, difficult, yet the process, as Self is: simplicity.

Thus I specify and continue walking through the layers of the mind - also I still walk the DIP Agreement Course which is really a cornerstone of my self-support currently, thus I really suggest to check it out and dare to walk.

So - with the Stumbleupon point I wanted to give a practical example, which I will continue to walk with Self-forgiveness along with another point which is emerging recently.

When and as I sit in front of a computer I see/realize/understand that I have allowed myself to automatize my behavior, give permission my mind to react to self-defined conditions with positive and negative energy and allowing to accumulate into physical feelings, moods, tension and accepting those and not questioning, stopping and changing myself about those because that leads to inconsistency, impatience, tiredness.

When and as I sit down in front of a computer I stop defining myself and my attitude according to the computer's speed, capacity, responsiveness by realizing that I decide when to react to what within considering what supports me within self-honesty.

When and as I experience that the computer is slow, not responding, the browser, applications are not loading immediately, I breathe, I simply am here and remain undefined - I see/realize/understand that I am capable of deciding what I am going to do with the computer and once I decided it, it does not matter how slow it's going to take - I remain here, breathing, consistent, unwavering meanwhile directing myself and the computer - and if meanwhile it would take that much time what would not be common sense to wait, then I act accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the point of self-acceptance and self-defeat within that not being able to decide when it is too much time to wait or embrace the computer's/internet's speed while doing something with it but defining rules and conditions to when and what to react and defining the accumulation of these reactions as frustration and when it would come defining it that it is not cool and then defining my relationship with this not-cool-ness to THEN do something about it and focusing to these reactions completely losing perspective and forgetting the fact that in fact I am not directing myself, I am not present, not here and also that I allow these self-defined reactions to tell me when it is too much, when I am being frustrated, when I should do something practical about the fact that it takes too much time to wait for the computer.

This is important - because in fact within self-honest walking with self-forgiveness it is clear that I've decided to accept each and every single reaction to become automatic and thus allow myself to be compromised by actually creating reactions what are not supporting, diverting my attention from the actual solution and becoming unstable, creating friction and making myself tired.

And the solution can be sometimes just accept that 2 seconds to wait when clicking - or when working with videos I face extreme amount of lag sometimes as it does what I do - mostly complex multi-layered hd-animations - and finding more effective, smart, doable workflows without reacting with so much unnecessary frustrations.

Also the solution can be realized also that I would need a better computer, a faster internet, if that's possible and then to consider how to manage that - another whole scenario can open up, for instance financial considerations - to find out how much it would cost to upgrade and if I can have money for that - is there any reactions in my mind on spending the required amount? If there is no enough money, how I could have such amount and what I would require to do and meanwhile be aware of what is the priority here.

I mean to actually do something in this reality it is mostly being able to work with limitations without being limited - which can also be judged as obstacles, something to resist to realize, face, overcome, solve - and also can be seen as challenge, fascination, like what I am going to face and realize about myself meanwhile walking this challenge, for instance within this to prioritize how to upgrade my computer and meanwhile not become frustrated but be able to be effective within it's usage.

Anything can be possible and everything can be compromised in the mind but one thing is certain - if there are reactions automatically, frustration, energies, instability, then we are not the directive principle but accumulation of self-acceptance, self-defeat, self-dishonesty, thus to walk through those also an accumulation is required: of self-direction, self-stability and self-honesty.

I write this meanwhile the computer renders a frame of a 15 seconds of animation in ten seconds, thus for sure it takes time but meanwhile I walk through the conflicts of the mind and remain here, directive, stable.

I will continue with more specific self-correction, self-forgiveness and self-commitment on preventing to react with the mind but instead of remain here, directive and breathing.

[JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2

Continuing on the decomposing of the mind-states of tiredness...

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1

For starter: If one wants to be free of excessive tiredness and sleep-deprivation experiences, I suggest to read aloud the following Self-forgiveness statements for realizations about tiredness:

• Jack: Self-forgiveness: Sleeping

What can be difficult to realize that tiredness is just an idea in the mind - yet there is a point when the body needs to rest, that is another kind - this tiredness is coming from the mind - and that tiredness is not related to physical, it is layered into and as the personality of the mind, the thought patterns, the energetic dynamics of consciousness systems of what one is accepting self to exist within and as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to tiredness, as tiredness, as 'I am tired' and meaning it as in and as my mind feel this experience of not having enough energy, feeling lack of energy, feeling difficult to focus, remain present, effective, directive and defining it as a trigger point for getting energy, getting energized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a dictionary in my mind ready to be triggered about the categories, experiences, situations in regarding to tiredness and whenever having the thought of 'I am tired' - automatically believing it as truth, reality, fact and not being aware that it is just a thought, a self-definition sentence with the word tiredness, and if I use it as how I am, I am becoming my thought without questioning it with 'Am I really tired or just I defined myself to be tired and then believed in it and then feeling as tired and thus then becoming tired?'.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the tiredness I define myself to be can also be accumulation of self-judgement for self-acceptance for instance 'I am being tired of this shit' - indicating that I accept something what I do not prefer yet not doing anything about it and that to acknowledge, accept as well also making me tired - in fact being tired of who I accept myself to be as not acting, accepting yet judging, reacting, as if I were not responsible for what is in my reality, as who I experience myself to be in regards to being tired of something, meaning tired of my own dishonesty to accept towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define many things as making me tired and having memories, references about what exactly makes me tired in what amount of time and regardless of physical, mental tiredness in fact - when the rule is being triggered, the thoughts of tiredness, the symptoms, the lack of energy as tiredness would come up and I would accept it unconditionally, because who I've defined myself to be is the personality,memory,word-matrix in my mind what is already programmed to react with specific energetic or lack of energetic experiences and that I've given permission to influence, direct who I am within my physical, mental beingness.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that when I am not present, because being busy thinking in my mind, daydreaming, visualizing without being present, not being aware of my human physical body, when reacting with emotions, feelings, when focusing to the energetic waves, movements, flows in and as my body, while I am not breathing effectively with and as my human physical body, but suppressing the full abdominal breathing with a less deep, shallow breathing - I am not allowing my body to be effective, thus that actually can result within tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be present to a degree in and as my human physical body to see/realize/understand what physical poses, actions I do while thinking/daydreaming/automatically behaving while being in and as the mind as starting point, which actions make my human physical body becoming tired without me being aware of it, because I am not IN AND AS the body, just about, around, and over my body as consciousness, which I thought previously as cool and never realizing the fact that it is self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-limitation, because the body is who I really am, the body is the source of my beingness and the body is the real, physical me only, thus perceiving myself separate/part of it actually I am deliberately dis-empowering myself from being here.

I forgive myself that I have not understood how exactly dis-empowering myself when separating myself from my human physical body with believing I am of mind, of consciousness and who I perceive myself to be is this spirit, soul, thinking, feeling, emotionally reacting being, meanwhile as never investigated really, fully, self-honestly the facts here, not being aware of that all of my mind/consciousness energy is coming from the human physical body and thus being dependent on the body, being a leech of the body and if I define myself as dependent on my body, I identify myself with consciousness, I am separate from the body, I am separate from my only real part in this existence with the mind's operation, which is also in fact physical, thus who I perceive myself to be is totally separated and thus powerless from here simply because of always needing energy to move, always in polarities, while the physical body is simply living here.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that in my mind I can only be tired because of lack of energy as the mind, the consciousness, the self-delusion of who I am meanwhile when the body is exhausted, it can eat and drink and rest and will be rested, while the mind always needs energy, of positive and negative, to judge, to create energy, friction, conflict, which in fact comes from the human physical body and thus in fact when I am being energized to not being tired in the mind, it is always taking from the body to the mind consciousness system who I've allowed myself to identify myself with.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is just an idea/belief in my mind of the mind, and if I identify myself with it, then I am becoming it, as it is just the sign of the mind consciousness to say 'I need energy otherwise I can't operate' which with I've identified myself with because it is the system always telling me who I am, what I am, what I must do, who I must be, what is going on and what is acceptable and what is not acceptable and within all this not seeing/realizing/understanding that it is all for not directly experience and be in real reality, because then I would be aware of all the consequences I've accumulated since my participation within existence and within that realizing the responsibility for what I accepted and allowed to manifest in this world wherein separation, abuse, neglect, destruction and extermination is constantly happening because I've defined myself as not enough to stand up for being able to change myself, change the world, but rather defining tiredness as who I am and by experiencing that feeling and behaving as not powerful enough to stop myself, the world of abuse.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within accepting myself as being the puppet of the layers of unconscious/subconscious/conscious mind manifestations in fact why I am experiencing tiredness already and also by accepting the patterns/programs/thoughts/feelings/emotions appearing within me what I take attention to, focus to, react to, listen to, to a degree of physical action by believing this is who I am and this is what I must do - and when tiredness is kicking in - using these layers of the mind to come up with something to react to, to have a friction about with the polarity judgements to generate energy with that conflict to use that energy, positive or negative or neutral to rejuvenate the mind to make it powerful enough to keep up with the constant self-image and reality-likeness delusion to perceive as reality.

I forgive myself that I have not realized and never actually really applied the fact that when I am breathing here, nothing of thoughts, feelings, emotions, just breathing here - this is who I am, that is who I can ever be and that is the most I can have in terms of being here, and if I skip a breath with following any thoughts instead - or 'slicing up' inner silence with the thoughts listening to as 'I am tired' - it is not really who I am, it is the consciousness mind system is talking and I, as an inner silent breathing physical being identifying myself with this, thus giving permission to have it's limitation, imprisonment, enslavement as well with the self-identification of energy, tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the solution to let all thoughts go and instead of 'think who I am' - actually learn to 'know who I am' and live that realization as the 'Living words' and liberating myself from the mind consciousness system breath by breath until it is done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware here in and as my physical body experience, expression to see that actually the mind is only fast, faster than I can follow, when I am disregarding my breath here, my inner silence here, even with this 'inner silence' expression indicating that there is something what is talking, noising, which is in fact not directly me, but as a reflection, a mirror-mechanism, a tool which is equal and one reflecting back to me constantly what it is what I am accepting and allowing myself to be equal and one with and as - thoughts, judgements, point of self-dishonesty manifested as thoughts, feelings, emotions wherein the separation I perceive and act according to in the starting point of fear - fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear, fear of self.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I experience tiredness - there is a friction within my mind - and that friction creates energy which creates the experience of tiredness which is not real, and if I participate within it, I am also not real in terms of starting point, deluding myself, acting according to this delusion, I am manifesting real consequences with this delusion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that if I define tiredness in any way whatsoever, I am creating the experience of tiredness, I am limiting myself to be programmed by myself and when having that experience, believing it as real, thus here as: tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically boost myself with specific drinks/foods/substances to beat tiredness by defining what it is with I am being less tired, what it is what gives me energy and not realizing what I accept and allow and what I participate within my mind and realizing that how adds into the idea and experience of tiredness and actually stop that, preventing myself to react and think, and self-define myself the same way over and over and over again by investigating, knowing, learning myself when and how exactly, specifically I would go into the think/self-define/react with tiredness and breathe without inner movement, act, remain here in the physical and re-align myself with constant presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an excuse of not transcending tiredness in the mind with thinking that 'tiredness is physical, everybody becomes tired, it is normal, after lot of work, tiredness is inevitable'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the body only requires resting only for maximum of 6 hours and beyond that the mind consciousness system is rejuvenating, not necessary and any reaction to this point is of the mind, which is of excuse and justification for escape from reality - because of the experience of sleeping more than 6 hours or the perceived tiredness in the mind to manipulate with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of when I am acting in and as the mind, as the starting point of the mind as survive, fight, strive, separated from my body, reality here and not realize/understand/see that who I really am is simplicity - in and as the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop participate in the mind when I lose physical awareness, presence, principle, responsibility, direction, self-expression here because of:

• what I just did was enough to get/feel tired of
• what I actually do/experience I am within is exhausting
• I slept long time ago thus I must be tired anyway
• I did not eat/drink since a while thus I must be tired

and within these experiences/expressions not seeing/realizing/understanding that actually thinking/reacting to/judging/defining myself according to tiredness is only existing within my mind and actually are excuses and justifications to leave reality/presence here into my virtual space mind wherein I can think, apparently freely, apparently free of tiredness about anything and by reacting to that figuring out/deciding what to do with this self-accepted mind-state of tiredness, instead of knowing myself to a degree that no need to fall back into the mind but act directly here, immediately, physically, thus if I need to break/rest/replenish, then I simply do, live, act, move.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I listen to thoughts, to feelings, emotions and react to those, give attention to - I am giving permission to the consent of I am unable to be directly here always unconditionally, because at certain conditions - I need stimulation to influence/tell/direct me what to do - in this scenario - about the idea and definition of tiredness and exhaustion.

I forgive myself that I have never realized the present opportunity, simplicity, direct availability of just be - without thoughts, feelings, emotions - without fear, desire and rules, reactions, definitions to handle my expression and to be able to deal with physical/mental fatigue, exhaustion as simple as it is, being, living simplicity as who I can be here directly, undefined, breath by breath as the decision and the expression of absolute self-trust.

As currently having a flu - I face this point - regardless of sleeping and resting - I can have this exhaustion and lack of energy and within this I am realizing a lot, what with this will be continued within the next post...

[JTL Day 200] Military application is not LIFE

This is a sort of response/review to an article I just went through:

http://csglobe.com/human-like-skin-aircraft-development/

Aircraft to be made from ‘human-like skin’ to enable them to feel damage and monitor their health while flying with many smaller smart sensors on the surface of the plane by processing big data.

It is indeed sounding quite cool and as a quite predictable and almost obvious 'evolutionary' step towards AI applied within aerodynamics.

What is also obvious that what is the starting point and the reason for the research, which is:

military 'application' - meaning bombing and rocketing the shit out of anything it's commanded to.

I see as the human system is not really evolving beyond it's so to speak 'original' bestiary within the exponential development of the art of self-destruction by perfecting the efficiency the destruction of it's own species and anything being in the way as well, but it is undeniable that the military 'application' is becoming extremely efficient.

Obviously the 'investors' who pump billions into these projects are selling these inventions with the motivation of profit - it is the blood of our interest, the current system has accumulated into such a manifested consequence that only those gained so much financial abundance that are the best within profit making and thus doing what is we are good within - profit, greed and destruction.

Quoting from the article:

"According to one analyst, this technology could go far beyond military."

and

"In the future we could see more robust defense platforms that are capable of more complex missions whilst reducing the need for routine maintenance checks. There are also wider civilian applications for the concept which we are exploring.”

And it's just an article, why I am bashing, right - but we all know how serious the military thing is among humans. Just search to the words 'military expo' or as I did visit some war-raged country like Cambodia where millions were killed by armies - or look up some warmonger country's military statistics - it is insane - and still profiting.

So after all - when the military giga-industry-complex is reaching the next level of it's evolution ("defense" platform and "complex missions") - it can also be sold to the 'public' - or how they refer it to as 'civilian' applications.

I mean it's all in the words - there is military 'application' and there is civilized 'application', and second one might can be considered as the opposite of military as within what we are all beast, military means killing: de-mans stripped away any honoring for life and lost within the consciousness wars of over-saturated fear-polarities of superimposed self-interest.

When I was kid, I was also enjoying playing with toy-soldiers, planes, I was fascinated with aeroplanes, I have built and glued F15 and F-18 models and I have learned so much about these things - I was at army air shows and I was there in the military airbase touching these magnificent creations - as they surely are - but when I really figured out what in fact these are being used for within what exact political and financial circumstances, it was all over and I never could look or think at these planes with the same admiration again.

It is so ingrained within the human mind system that self-defense is so fucking important in the name of that we have the right to kill, the right to preemtively seek and destroy and it is that what we accept and allow within our mind with the self-imposed righteousness and manifesting that as equal as one within our external human system as well in governments, states, countries, armies weaving our each and every single individual tiny consents into the invisible yet obvious consensus for accepting war, oppression, genocide and even the very concept of military 'application' to exist within our neighborhood.

I deliberately say 'neighborhood', because with these high technologies there is not a single square meter on this planet what can not be over watched by live satellite feed to directly be able to guide the most harmful and deadly military 'application' in a short period of time - not to mention the most surreal arming up of local police forces, so after all - we are all the stakes here, not just the third world as we allowed to be reflected back with our original brainwash up to the point of now becoming more and more obvious that this is a neo-feudalist totalitarian corporate enslavement system wherein any resistance triggers a brutal, desensitizing, deeply disturbing 'military application'.

On the same site where the article comes from, in an other article the author wrote this after a rant about a new, secret superweapon:

The US is all about warfare, not welfare of humanity. We have millions of people who cannot get a job with good pay, to pay off ridiculous student loans. However, there is always money to kill and destroy what humanity has built. No healthcare, no free education like other industrialized countries; only war, war, and endless wars.

Even the most peaceful public demonstration can become a bloodbath and let us all remind to the most horrendous fact that this is still our, individual responsibility to care and act about given away to the government systems and their representatives and any more blame/showing the finger/fist will accumulate into more direct and 'physical' retaliation thus it is imperative to see/realize/understand that at this point any resistance/revolution/fight is futile. That was never the real solution as after all if we look at the timeline what we call as history - which has never really existed really - as it is in the name - it is not my story, it is the winner's - his story, which is certainly not SELF.

If we look at the point of what is SELF - what in fact that can be? Is there anything really like or close to the word or it's meaning of SELF?

Is the military SELF?

Am I self?

Am I my self or who has self, oneself, all our selves? Am I self or flesh? Who is then really selfless? What is the meaning of this?

So after this philosophical head scratching - leapfrogging back to the topic of aeroplane evolution and technology, it is certain that no individual human being has directive power in this world, any, none - whoever states differently must be able to prove it's opposite and then it is certain that as never really proved it then it is yet to come and we should not wait for that either but be the living example of what we want to get and give equally.

I find ANY military 'application' as unacceptable and the demilitarization is the only way to really find ourselves onto the path of being able to grasp what it would consist of to be 'civilized', meaning there is no any financial gain accepted and allowed on earth by anyone being left behind starved or lacking any basic requirement for a nurturing healthy living, not talking about their oppression or even killing.

Sure many refer to extremist belief-systems so vengeful that they lean to the consideration of allowing to induce 'extinction' of whole nations in order to 'solve' conflicts which is then coming back into full circle of the fundamental fact that humans has never ever changed really, just the technology became more efficient, but actual real unconditional care, support, love never existed - only in fractions, temporary fluctuations - anyone disagrees just try to go to a third world country without a coin and just get sick and see what comes next, try to get food, shelter, health care and realize the facts that money determines who lives how and until there is profit from hunger, it is all the same just different pictures. Basic requirements for all human - transcending the fear of overpopulation and actually do something about education, transparent equal opportunities for all.

That is where civilization could start but until that is not given, not manifested, stabilized - we are the very beast of this existence and that is why there is no mercy for any living on this earth existing currently - anyone and everyone can and inevitably will die just like that in a snap without any continuation.

Remember that when hearing or watching the news about military 'application'.

Still, so to speak feeling myself close to this - soul-dier/sold-deer - which is like an ability to have compassion with the loss of war - which is not a feeling or a mood anymore as it was before - but emerges as a will, a discipline to stand up to and as in this human system as a directive principle for accumulate actions what would manifest demilitarization.

This already sounds insane for the single-minded human, I know - especially with the inherent paranoia within humanity that 'if I do not have an army then other countries who have might conquer us suddenly' - thus it is a wider perspective we must embrace for the practical application but it is still possible - I mean everything is possible if we all stand up to it's making - just look at how much development and 'application' can be designed to automatize to mass-produce aeroplane with a handful of scientists: human-like feeler smart-sensory-skinned aeroplane consciousness systems - it could and will be really cool for instance preventing crashes or malfunctions just let us skip the gigantic sized military budget and directly give that to the people - so if we all stand up to life values and it's walkable way which is practical, physical equality.

And it is a brainwashing to automatically judge 'practical equality' by prioritizing and auto-cast-systematizing humans based on perceptions/intelligence/skills/skin tone/geographical location but those judgements are based only fear, nothing else - thus can and should be transcended with the simple realization that the only way out from this closed system to be fucked up again and again within the constant time loop of deliberate forgetfulness is the equalization of energy, resources, money, basic requirements for a nurturing living within the simple act of giving as we would like to receive.

And just to imagine how much effort is now being diverted away from the benefit from the children/education/welfare/environment/real civilization into this ruthless/lifeless/anti-love militarization accepted by the voters, financed by the capitalists allowed by the law, being the consent given by each individuals altogether without being aware of their power given away as responsibility.

And it is not about who stands up against the surreal militarization and war propaganda and utter destruction of whole populations, but it is rather about who does not stand up to this - and to start resonating that this can not continue like that anymore and within that realizing that the only power we have currently is to learn to be organized with the same efficiency as the pro-wars do, us, individuals, one by one accumulated into a flow what can not be ignored and disregarded anymore and with the current system's rules, 'thermodynamics' - not by attacking, because as George Carlin states:

"think about the concept of Flamethrowers. Because we have them. We don't have them, the army has. That's right, we don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we are fucked if we have to go against the army, wouldn't you?"

But with investigation it is clear that as how the 'pro-war' interests use the currently sold ways to accumulate power referred as 'democracy' - it can be also used the same way with the interest of LIFE, but for that we must study/let go/transcend our perceived differences/opposite views by realizing the priority for physical, touchable, 'real' love and to manifest, accumulate directive power into people's/group's who are indeed principled to manifest a system what is best for all equally.

And on about education - observing coming the army into the city - showing weapon systems, tanks to the children, hiring cute women, playing cool music, putting balloons to the tank and let the kids rush it - kind of weird to observe it when we consider what these things really are...

Also it is to educate and actively being educated about understanding that there is a way actually what would really be the best for all, it is not a philosophical term which is like a fairy tale - many human beings state that war and destruction is within human nature and best for all can not be manifested because there is always disagreement, and even many state that it is simply impossible to all agree on wanting the same because then it would not be real freedom anymore.

So from technological development through military 'application' we arrive to the concept of 'freedom' which would indicate a state of being able to do anything without the limit or the worry or need for considering consequence

warnomore.wordpress.com

- OR freedom could even mean to being able to express with the PREVENTION of manifesting such consequences which are deliberately harming others.

Thus real freedom would mean not harming at all otherwise it is only perceived freedom from individual level but objectively it is not so.

Therefore the true concept of freedom can only entail the concept of 'what is best for all participants'.

To debate with that it is certainly possible but I am not bound to argue for limitation and after all - who wants to protect a deliberate abusive system and in the name of what interest? Is it real SELF-interest or just being the lack of the realization of Self-is-in-the-rest?

Alright - check out these awesome links and be 'free' to dare to 'do something' - or 'feel' 'free' to dare 'not to do something' - either way: enjoy breath!

• https://www.facebook.com/dawnwarnomore
• https://eqafe.com/p/master-of-war-life-review
• http://warnomore.wordpress.com/education/
• http://eleonoragozzini.wordpress.com/2014/07/15/day-434-sderot-and-the-fun-of-watching-people-die/
• http://www.globalresearch.ca/pity-the-children-violence-against-children-has-become-an-epidemic/5390510
• http://www.globalresearch.ca/the-privatization-of-war-mercenaries-private-military-and-security-companies-pmsc/21826