[JTL 24] Intensified Entertainment as Enlightenment: evolutional mind interest part 1

How can you prove that you are not pre-programmed if you can not change yourself by self-honest decision?

I am continuing on my previous post by decomposing my relationship with the word: entertainment

• [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible
• Can Human nature change?
• Resistance to change
• Entertainment points
• Day 345: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part Four)

My family I've defined as always on surviving versus entertainment.
Entertainment seemed to be like what one wants to do and enjoys it.
Entertaining meaning taking a break from hard work, from serious fight within the system to get what we want.
Entertainment seemed to be something what is worth fighting for.
Entertainment was so valuable that most of the family members when they wanted to do their entertainment, they did not like when someone asked to do something what seemed like work and not entertainment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as resting and rewarding from surviving.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as taking break from hard work from serious fight within the system what I want and then when I already have what I've got, then the result is entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as something what is worth fighting for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I've seen within family that when being occupied with entertainment, it is not pleasant 'feeling' when being asked to stop it for doing something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not liking and frustrating when I have decided to go on entertainment and then being asked for do something for someone or because of something what is more obvious that is more important I have to stop my entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I am occupied with what I've defined as good and disregard everything and everyone else what is not entailing within the current entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a LOT of things as entertainment and then when those happen, then defining it as good and when it could just almost happen and then I almost expect it and then it does not happen then that defining as bad because I was expecting energetic experiences of within entertainment what I do not experience so then I experience disappointment what I've defined as bad.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within any self-definition I am limited to that information who I perceive myself to be and within that definition within the duality system I am part of a closed system within what there are rules what I can not change only with another duality-based system except when letting all go and not define and do not react to definitions but breath directly here within physical expression.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I've defined myself a center point within doing so and in that moment I am re-living, re-defining, re-charging within and as myself as energy according to my definitions, relationships, connections, associations, memories, reactions  about that specific word.

For instance the words are:
-computer; games
-movies
-taking an adventure(travel/hiking/walkabout)
-going out to party for pubs/caffeteria/dance hall/gather around fire/flat party/cooking party/haircut party/alcohol party/drug taking party
-art painting/workshop/visiting gallery/cinema/theatre/shows
-sport for instance football, running, ping-pong/martial arts/yoga/meditation(sitting doing empty vase effect)
-technician workshop for instance airplane modelling/morse workshop/construction workshop/computer workshop/programming workshop/photo workshop/filming workshop

Alright so then one can get what I MEAN entertainment.

However the twist came around when I've started to define myself according to these activities, for instance for a while with these I've participated within - and most of them I've written specifically as the center of the activity, for instance with alcohol I've did many of these - but then the center was not drinking alcohol, but it was just an effect on the specific self-defined entertainment activity for instance party or vandalism or dancing etc.
But there were times when the main goal was to absorb as much alcohol as we could (@ university; hell yeah) - and then we did not do anything else in particular, we just went to the shop, I took 2-3 bottle of wines, I drunk it and then after a while I went to sleep so then from here looking back the 'backbone' of the activity was 'drinking alcohol'. So.

Entertainment was twisted within and as me because as I've started to define myself according to doing these activities and while doing so, defining myself as 'this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I experience' - and then by that I've became it - the words I've got, the deeds I've did, clear.

But not really I've defined these as entertainment - more likely - 'this is who I am and in this moment this is what I do because this I've defined as I wanted to do so or I just did and then I've reacted to with consciously feeling as 'positive'.

So then entertainment was linked with positive feelings, moods, reactions mostly because apparently it was by a decision made by me when I had the chance to apparently decide and then I've moved towards these so within that movement I judged myself that 'okay, so then that is me, because that I chose, that I like, that is me then' - Or if not so, then the positive/negative ratio was still positive and by that I've defined as 'my precious'.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as specific words and then doing regarding those specific words - it was automatically linked with entertainment - because within 'fighting the system' and 'surviving for money and things what are required' I could not do such things while I could link my activities towards those words what I've defined as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending time with computer, computer games, movies, adventure, hiking, traveling, walkabout, party, caffeteria, pub, dance hall, fireplace, flat party, cooking, haircut with friends, drinking, alcohol, drug, art, workshop, gallery, cinema, theatre, shows, sport, running, ping-pong, martial arts, yoga, meditation, technical skills, morse, modelling, construction, computer tech, programming, photoing, filming as entertainment and when defining or associating or thinking or hearing these words I react with the relationship within and as myself towards and as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to entertainment and becoming frustrated when I have no opportunity to do entertainment within and as self-definition regardless of physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive myself doing and then defining myself so and then referring myself by those definitions and then associating towards the memory of such activity only with those specific definitions as words and not realizing that within self-definition I am self-limitation, self-automatization, self-suppression, self-dishonesty.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive and become addicted towards always wanting to boxing my activities towards labels, definitions within, specifically limiting my expression towards such specific words for instance watching movie is entertainment - regardless of what kind of movie or what is the reason or what is my physical experience.

And this might seem like I am crazy and I fear from entertainment and there is no such thing, but when I am losing life-awareness as all as equal as one as here within entertainment because of automatic association and reactions and energetic bounding within - for instance wanting to play computer game every week for hours or wanting to have sex with my partner every day just because that seems good for me meanwhile not really considering that if I define myself according to that - I become these words physically and then when not doing so then I might experience lack and devotion towards as formed a habit and not direct absolute presence awareness what simply accumulates within the simple math of 1+1=2 and then that compounds and then that energy might take over and THEN I am unable to consider what is best for all - even what is really best for me as well - so that's why I simply equalizing my relationship - purifying my inner sanctum - with the word entertainment - to not be obsessed yet not judge it as bad or good and not even fear from fully experiencing it without the concern that I might lose 'perspective within' - so that's why I write all out within and put everything in front of me and then seeing the words what I contain and then I see my mind and then what is not absolutely self-honest, for instance even doing hugging and flirting with a woman who is not my partner meanwhile I have an agreement in the moment 'in reality' that we do sexual flirt only with each other simply because we agreed on that and we live the words what we speak -- and in the moment the entertainment dimension within and as me simply intensifies and within the excitement I go into that expression with an other and then I face the fact that I am not doing what I speak and that is already a self-compromise, self-disempowerment, because next time I say something, I might fact the possibility, that then that words I will not again express because the more I say different than I doing - the more I realize it is no matter what I say, what I state, what I agree on with words, and then I am untrustworthy, not only for my partner, but for myself and then that might cause conflict within as well. Sentenced to dare to share ;)

I have done accepting and allowing such impulses to do hug and flirt with women because I wanted so meanwhile I've judged that is not good for my partner and for myself as well - yet I've accepted those and did not stop - or at times came back - and I am sure I can change and I can stop such reactions within without fearing I am becoming empty and dark because the more I stop within the more I directly experience that is obvious within and without as well. So Self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments are assisting and supporting me to be aware in the moment to make a difference, so I enjoy expressing myself doing so.

So for me for instance flirting with women who I do not want to be partner with - even when it is clear that we just flirt - if I agreed with my partner that we do not do such things - then I shall not, regardless of any excitement.

So that's why I walk through the word entertainment because for me enter taint-I meant to be within occupations what are not always - or even never - is what is best for all if that pre-programs conflict within myself and my partner into the future, so it is unnecessary.

So That explanation was some sort of clear for me but writing it out - it is here and anyone can read it and I have stabilized myself within writing it out and that not means eternity but for a moment as a structured, stable, consistent self-support to be able to always consider all participants within my reality within the interest of what is best for each. And that is very possible, even if it takes years, I'd rather do it than judging it before try.

Because within writing I pour out the bucket of words what I react to and what I consist of as description of my reality within duality from self-definition to undefined direct self-expression.

And duality I mean for instance there is me and there is a subject and there is the act of subjecting by words for instance seeing crying somebody and then I react with the word sadness - however I am sure not all crying is sad.
Because this mind of defining and defining and defining ad-dick-tion is really the act of self-separation within perception and then by that the automatic physical manifestation is really limiting.

All the explanations are in the words for why I write self-forgiveness - because this is the most practical way for oneself to face what has been accepting and allowing since the beginning and this tool is the constant self-reflection that I want to change and then am I really changing or only saying so or by forces outside of me towards self-interest or avoid conflict only for instance or dare to consider the best outcome and change currently, already manifested self according to that.

So continuing on decomposing entertainment:

Throughout the years I've refined entertainment more and more, and evolved within the sake of intensity and specificity.
The most intense experiences for a long while were about facing women, simply looking into eyes of women - that always seemed very exciting and in fact petrifying(of the fears what are irrelevant here but facing enormous fears always seemed intense for a reason - that's another topic;) but there I had no self-direction so for a while I avoided that until alcohol came around me at the university.
And then I was able to interact with women and I was able to experience the word party and in the 'central european style': drink, fight, curse...

Then the literally blood-fighting alcoholic raves for wild music with lot's of delirium the inner animal as rage against the machine of self came to surface and for a while I was specifically working on getting drunk that much that I could to have an experience the 'film-break' within my mind - when I had the continuous memory of the night and then from one moment for a while I did not remember.
Then I've deliberately reached the mind-state of that I did not know what happened, I did not remember what I did, what I didn't, nothing. So then with alcohol that was interesting entertainment - not remembering myself - that seemed somehow relaxing - for a while I did not experience myself literally. This could be also an other topic as within White-Light experiences with acid I've had similar but from another starting point.
But with alcohol it was always obvious that is self-destruction as multiple family members has been proven that to me quite literally, especially my father who went nuts and died utterly in a drunk accident.
Also I was quite neurotic and consumed that much alcohol that I had stomach problem and for a while I've experienced hell in terms of my physical body was so screwed up than doctors told me that I have to take stomach-acid-calming pills until the end of my life what pissed me up so much so then I wanted to change, really change. In that time within my relationship still I was not directive, supportive, caring, but reactive, I could not really be myself and my partner was really unstable as well and then we just did split.
And THAT was my greatest world-burning, everything-changing, everlasting enormous really intense one billion celsius degree hot 'love' - what was just gone and that was quite a disappointment - because for years I've put everything on that - not into real practical physical love within equality, but within my mind - that was really something what I wanted and then I've got it and then I've (we) screwed it up and we had to let go each other.
So after that I've been sucked into the self-vacuum of psychedelic/spiritual scene wherein I've fulfilled my mind-domain-exploration and the physical(also sex) was disregarded for a while. There was a guy around who told us that 'you are druggers, for druggers there is no need for woman' - because then I was constantly stoned and tripping...

With LSD and MDMA and SALVIA within various and specifically planned or randomly shocking mind-blowing experiences I've had a grasp of a definition of intensity in terms of the possible frequency domain of experiencing the extremes of the mind.
So then that changed my definition of entertainment and intensity for sure.

Somehow what can be seen as entertainment - each one can define it differently, for instance for me computer games is entertainment, for somebody else is work and job and money.
And also computer programming seemed to be quite an entertainment and then I've defined myself according to that and then this I do all day for get my coins for buy my dreams true literally and it is quite far from still being able to find this 'entertaining' by being a corporate cog within a system what do not cares about all life equally but mostly about the revenue.
So then I've redefined entertainment in a way that seemed legit by not really saying that what I do is 'entertainment' - but it was a 'journey for self, for a path for attainment for finding and fullfilling myself' - and for instance the delusion of 'enlightenment' was the most jolly-joker excuse for anything I've done - because anytime I've faced any doubt that what I actually do is just 'entertaniment' - then I've told to myself that 'this is also requires for the realization of who I am and who I am not' - regardless of going to night club or stealing stuff from a shop or smuggling refined Nepali pollen- I've successfully persuaded myself with the idea of that this is all part of my enlightenment and nothing to be judged, in the moment I or others would judge it, I was automatically ready with the reaction and excuse and justification answer of that 'this is my path'.
And then entertainment was literally tainted with self-interest without even the need for realizing it, even within the apparently most unsignificant details, for practical instance:
-playing assassins creed 1 game was about 'realizing conspiracies' and unrevaling mystical knowledges and connecting crumbs of informations within this system about the real reality - when in fact it was just a roof-jumping simplistic sword-game
-taking acid weekly for my self-realization because within the experience I had moments within vivid, calm, apparently clear inner experiences, regardless of the fact that for days I did not do anything except walking around in a time-remapped mirror-frenzy while being unable to take the smallest responsibilities by saying -'sorry I am tripping now, I am unable to consider the physical, but this is The most important thing one can do'.

some word play:

enlightenment /entertainment/ain't 'n ment /enter train I ment to be pre-programmed

In light I ment = enter train I 'ment to be as psy cyclogical con sequenceof self-in-dearest

So then I've simply persuaded myself with the things I was occupied with were in fact the part of my journey to enlightenment, self-realization and those are really specific and special so then I was able to enjoy those without too much doubt and no reason or conscious justification was required simply I was taking what I seemed to be needed and that is fascinating and the feeling of the energy of enlightenment was some sort of authority for just do whatever I wanted because I was 99.99% persuaded within myself that this is the best scenario and this is what is best for me and therefore helps me to reach the enlightenment and then that must be best for all as well.
And that was done with the catalysts of spiritual methods and drugs - intensified energetic self-made-up hyperspace of entertainment - but when faced real transcendence points for real, physical, direct change for stopping something what was obviously self-dishonesty: all proven to be fucking useless from time to time by facing real physical irreversible shitty consequences of self-deluded participation until the veil was dropped for real.
So the refugee within anything but self here within absolute self-honesty as all as equal as physical life is always a fuckup and manifesting irreversible consequences within and as the only stable and constant and consistent dimension what we all equally share: the physical.

And that is responsibility.

So I am almost ready to start re-defining entertainment within responsibility for all what is here equally. But first self-forgiveness on those perceptions is required to let go the self-compressed symbolism of self-interest and letting go the hypnotic trance of fear what is hidden behind all the pre-programmed personalities behind entertainment/enlightenment and survival/fighting.

Journey to Life is literally a Journey to Life - word by word, breath by breath. Changing perspective from self-interest to All Life-interest. Can you?
 Participate and enjoy to explore a starting point what is beyond any con.