[JTL 65] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 3

This is a continuation of:

• How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1
• How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 2

I am gathering points I've been faced as paranoia with drugs, first of all focusing on the most stimulating place: PARTY!

Back then I was not able to consider the fact that I can directly move myself - I was always busy with strategies, tactics, methodologies and stimulation what to I reacted and by that trying to 'get free'.
 Well, eventually I've became self-honest to the degree to acknowledge to myself that this is not the solution but meanwhile at least I've been faced so many fears and paranoia.

Since back then, in my old days - I've found very useful to expose myself and my ego with drugs at parties because:

•  there is no private area, I can not pull back to be alone and control everything to my habits wherein I remain the same - I wanted to be changed indirectly
• always faced with many-many people constantly - I did not have the time to think and go into my own bubble and alone wander around while twisted on substances
•  very-very loud intense, mind-stimulating music - it pressured me and mind - at a certain degree it seemed like the music was so overwhelming, it washed away my thoughts
• everybody is screwed - it is okay to be weird and not being judged - I did not need to pretend too much
•  I can be all alone and in the next moment communicate with others - I can dance, I can sit and drink/eat/smoke or I can just watch people - so I can switch the setting immediately if I want or I can let things flow

 For these reasons I've chosen psychedelic trance and drum and bass parties for years to take high amount of psychedelic drugs in order to see how I react and what things I experience and realize in order to realize:

     "Who I am, what is going on here and what I am supposed to do(with my life)?"

However in the first years I have been exposed so many paranoia - there is a type of people who enjoy party but mostly not much - because it is quite intense and it is like a catalyst for the mind to reach certain states - and in the beginning I was not really a party boy - so that's why I've pushed myself towards it - it seemed more practical than sitting in a room and meditating quietly. However this brought up many-many fears and some were re- and reoccurring and those were already developed paranoia what the intensity of drug and the experiences just catalyzed.

So I make a list of the paranoia I've been exposed to while taken considerably high dosage of drugs at parties wherein I've introduced to realize some social paranoia within myself.

PROBLEM

The basic problem is that mostly the drug user is unaware of the fact of 'I am here, I can direct myself, I can directly access, explore and express myself regardless of any stimulants', because once one starts to do so - judgments arise, others can reflect back what one judge furthermore and then one experiences reactions towards judgments and then one does not realize that experience does not last but the physical wherein one is breathing - so then one is focusing to the thoughts, judgments, paranoia and then by giving attention to these - they will remain and will be stronger and then one will experience oneself less and less directive, powerful and self-directive what then tries to balance out/overcome/explode/boost with drugs in order to experience differently

List of my paranoia at party while on drugs:

• Paranoia from being busted by police/authorities - these things are PROHIBITED and in some countries such as where I live it is quite a punishment one can get and considering the fact that these drugs can have 4-10 hours of effects - one requires only think once about the consequences of being caught, taking to police station and being harassed by rude mustached per-judgmental policemen who are eager to give a fatherly lesson of how evenly BAD things I've done
• Paranoia from being awkward, behaving strangely, someone who not supposed to notices that I am high
• Paranoia from judged as not acceptable, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc
• Paranoia from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because I am not really myself being extremely twisted by hallucinations/delusions/realms/dimensions
• Paranoia from harming myself in a way that I am not aware of for instance winter time not taking coat while being in the snow on acid - it does not seem relevant however it matters for the body
• Paranoia from becoming too high, taking too much, what will be inconvenient/unpleasant/surreal/creepy
• Paranoia from not becoming enough high, taking too less, the stuff is not strong enough
• Paranoia from meeting someone who with my relationship is different, for instance a boss or parent of a friend, a girl to I wanted to be presentable as smart and not violently stoned for instance
• Paranoia from losing my papers/phone/money while having wild party for instance trance dance on acid
• Paranoia from someone approach me and wants to talk with me
• Paranoia from the idea of no one wants to talk with me
• Paranoia from losing myself in any way whatsoever
• Paranoia from a girl wants to be with me and I can even barely talk
• Paranoia from screwing my mind permanently and 'losing it'
• Paranoia from being photographed while on drugs and being published on social media/websites

So for start this will do - these I've had back there and I had to face each while on stuff on music party.

Oh yes, paranoia from the music not being good enough was also topic sometimes because I concluded myself to be very picky about what kind of music I can 'fly' with and 'enjoy' and anything else was like 'normal/insignificant/boring/not psychedelic' meanwhile doing these drugs being at these handful of performers were like gate opener for the specific experiences I was after. However - jumping back to the specific paranoia - one can notice that most of these paranoia can be relevant for anybody at any time regardless of drugs - but being on drugs means that the mind is enhanced/boosted/altered/shifted/twisted - and if one has no direction within and as the mind to see and consider what is real while not using drugs - then while taking the drugs it is clear that with the drug one can not really know for sure that what one is experiencing is 'more' or 'less' real.

For instance I remember at a specific event I was on acid and from time to time I looked towards a direction and there was a person who always looked back at me at the same time and after 2-3 like that I thought that he is watching me and I had the questions automatically about: Why? Is something wrong with me or he wants something or what?
 And after all it did not really matter but in the beginning I was really unstable and things like that brought up my paranoia.

And there are certain things what are facts - like the one that police really can come into the scene at any time and start screwing up things by arresting criminals('drug abuse')- so with that I could not really do anything practical - I considered the risk and prepared for happening and if they come I will react anyways but for that I quickly evolved within my mind with the self-judgments of 'fear from it' versus 'it still worthy' and beyond that I will see, I trusted in 'greater forces'.

And it is fascinating to write about drug-related paranoia because except the ones what directly related to the drug itself - any other paranoia is already existing within one's mind but with the drug as the mind is enhanced - there is the chance that the paranoia as manifested relationship with self-definitions regarding to fear might be pronounced and overwhelmed as experience as self identification as well.

Another question is that how one is dealing with 'problems' as self-accepted personality system for instance one can be diverted for instance saying 'let us not speak about it and then it might not happen' or for instance I was the one who if had some drug I did hide it somehow somewhere if a bust would come then I would have time or choice to react with regards to avoid manifesting the subject of my paranoia such as busted for possession of illegal substance by not carrying it around or having it hidden in a secret stash in my shoes etc. But I was not really a druggy guy - some blotters with some mushroom head I was not really fearful - however probably the ones who are dealing with 'white dusts etc' are more likely...

After all - regardless of one is able to consider or not all existing fears within oneself - when taking the drug it is within one's mind beyond some layers anyway - and people seems to tend to just see where the 'ride takes' - it is not always easy to really having a great time meanwhile taking drugs at a party...especially when doing with so called 'hallucinogens' - that is like the very essence of the mind and paranoia itself to face...
 And I am sure that not much people are able to remain always here as breath - and constantly be aware of the play of the mind that it is not real - and anybody can say that 'I know, it is just the trip' - but all experience affects/effects us on a level what we are not aware of fully - therefore influences will come - and already 'containing' definitions/reactions might become stronger or less dominant - but the point I take is that here is NOT Self is the directive principle - at some moments maybe - but in overall - not really - therefore I do not suggest it - rather than one should learn to express self within writing and develop self-intimacy to explore within self-direction and slowly but surely develop self-confidence, self-will, self-honesty and self-commitment to explore/change/express within the full understanding to the utmost specificity of one's life.

Taking stimulating and mind-blowing/hallucinogen drug is different when one is drinking beers and shorts and wine - because some things are completely legal and even promoted by the government until one can keep up with the rules of not harming other or not drinking on street in a daycare etc. And alcohol seems to be some sort of stimulant but in fact a central nervous system depressant. Meaning after a while you might numb down literally to a degree of being quite insensible.

But for instance LSD is more likely stimulant - makes the mind really liquid/fly - and if one's mind contains paranoia - it might fly with it as well.

I've found particularly fascinating to try to predict who is 'eligible' for taking such drugs and who is not by trying to judge them how stable, self-reflective and able to open for those new kind of experiences.
 Overall I've known some mates who I judged as they should not take the stuff and refused them to assist and heard that they had some 'bad trip' and even there were quite some occasion when I've judged one as 'capable of handling it' meanwhile they did some extremely stupid thing therefore faced serious accident what I did not foresee.

Even the very definition of 'bad trip' is paranoia as one is so much focused on the mind that believes it literally and not realizing that programming the mind is responsibility what can be understood, changed, stopped for greater good but not much people really grasp the very possibility to direct and understand - and in fact deciding to be absolutely honest with self  -to a degree to even connect the dots that 'I am might be responsible for all what I experience'.

And after all - these are experiences and what I am reacting to these experiences what will determine which become real as consequence of my starting point.
Even to define an experience as 'bad trip' is consequence of already accepted judgments of 'what is good and what is trip' and then 'what is bad' for instance when a thought comes and I stuck with it's silence shout within - and I react to it and I overwhelm by the echos of my mind and it grows and becomes the entire experience for instance a particular paranoia takes over and a fear would manifest as myself as physical discomfort and I do not understand how I've manifested it and how I did participate within specific mind-patterns and then I am unable to stop and then I fear from 'it will remain so' and then the trip becomes bad I scare the shit out of myself for instance of 'remaining crazy'.

I did not have these things - I was more likely the suppressive guy who was able to suppress everything and in the next moment experiencing 'I am clear' - however it formed as a some sort of depression what is not the topic today but just gave an example that there is no escape from reacting with paranoia if there is a fear within.

Many guys I know had the conclusion to not take for instance acid anymore only because they faced a particular paranoia what made them to pull back and never wanting to face it again - well for me that would drove crazy and I'd repeat the experience to overcome it but not within Self-honesty but with force - trying to empower myself with energy, more energy, with more intense circumstances, more killer music etc but after all - these did not work to transcend the fear really. It took several years to acknowledge that I require more than just these substances or spiritual meditation(what is the same as drug only it's much-much slower) and that is why I am taking the time to share these things for anybody to not loop in time as I did but directly be able to have the best practical tools as Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment to not waste so much time, energy, money and eventually years to run in circles with the most basic points such as fear from being intimate with myself and never questioning why I am not expanding and I am 'having' these guys around me who still believe within the drug instead of directly SELF HERE and therefore they seems to be stuck but to acknowledge it: takes courage but after all - it exposes who we are and what we want to be within our gifted physical life, but it must be obvious now to not dare ourselves to acknowledge that 'I've been mistaken, I was wrong in my entire life' - seems to be tough for many but after all what for we are living if not to realize and change unconditionally?

If everything falls, stick to the basic principle as Equality and Oneness and use the tools, write within Self-honesty, everything of mind, write out, realize the relationships, apply self-forgiveness and explore stopping the existing paranoia - regarding to drug, to childhood fears or even paranoia from paranoia itself.

So drug-paranoia is quite big topic, I've just scratched the surface with my own experiences but the conclusion for this session is already clear:

PARANOIA as the fear from the noise of the mind is problem while one is taking drug and it is always related to the starting point of why one is taking the drug and as it is literally the 'starting point': it determines the outcome, the consequence, the result, the consequence and by these in fact the responsibility for what one is experiencing therefore what is reacting to and how will behave by.

By the specific examples of paranoia(what were my own fears when one (- me, theoretically of course - did/would) take drugs.

The problem as pronounced before is that people are not able to be honest with self to see the starting point for why taking the drug, with what setting within boosting the mind-set for different kind of perception.

Another problem is that one does not see the energetic experiences within related to thoughts/feelings/emotions and how these are really working and in specific daily life events how one really operate by and through and eventually as these inner backchats, habits, personalities, characters.

Also it is problem that the drug and it's effect people are unaware of - just seeing how one particular substance alters one's owns mind and how one is reacting to it for what specific interest.
It is not always enough to say 'wanting to have good times' or 'I want to have better understanding' meanwhile having issues and behaviors what one already have relationship with such as lack of self-confidence or fear from facing a childhood paranoia.

It is also prominent to note that not to be able to see/realize/understand problems and solutions within our life without drug and expecting solution/band aid from a drug or wanting to have a specific experience with what one can feel better or want to change.

SOLUTION

Taking Self-responsibility through and as the realization of practical Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statements and Self-commitments to become aware of what must be done within what circumstances specifically how in each situation wherein one already realized the Self-dishonesty what wants and scipts to prepare, act and stabilize to stop and explore what is beyond that fear as Self as Life.

There is an extensive research have been done by Andrea Rossouw  in the blog called Crime's journey to Life within the following posts:

Spiritual drug usage

• Day 96: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use 

Why people take drugs

• Day 97: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 2

 The causes behind drug use:

• Day 99: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 3

 An example or two of the character of somebody who uses and abuses drugs:

• Day 100: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 4 

 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness:

• Day 101: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 5 

 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness continued:

• Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6 

Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:

• Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

 Backchat Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 104: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 8

 Reaction Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 105: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 9

 Behavioral Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 106: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use part 10

 Self-Corrective Statements:

• Day 107: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 11

It seems to be a lot but it is worthy to walk through, I really suggest to do so for everybody to read and embrace as each post is specific and to see within each sentence 'Is this actually related to my own life? How?' And to gift ourselves with the realization of what we are accepting and allowing as our self/reality what we are responsible for - especially when deciding to understand the dynamics of ourselves to be able to stop.

Quoting from this blog:

"why people take drugs*" - the main contexts that one is able to see stepping forth though, is that the drug connects to the users mind and changes, suppresses or heightens certain mental aspects for the person on their behalf, this obviously depends on the chemical compound i.e. the purpose of the drug.

Each drug user will give a reason for using the drug, and that reason is how the person defend their use of drug. If one then look behind the reason, which is usually the beautiful things like 'expression' spirituality and heightened levels of consciousness' you will see the cause behind why people use drugs. The causes are for example depression, anxiety, Fear, wanting to forget, Pain, Worries, Suppression of Emotions such as Anger, Jealousy, to alleviate the discomfort around poverty and lack of money to purchase what others have etc.."

So this is a very cool assistance and support to walk through the reason and starting point what will give some points to explore within regarding to the reasons why one would make habit for taking drugs to in fact escape from reality.

As the problem is NOT the drug, not even the intake of the drug however if the starting point is 'corrupted' by a self-definition - as self-dishonesty as fear from lose - there is a chance that one is not able to walk through that starting point even with the experience of the drug itself - if that would shake the foundation of one's personality, one might build in excuses and justifications and then the 'drug taking for freedom' becomes 'drug for build self-slavery' even further.


And I am aware of that many has the starting point of 'awakening', 'transcending', 'changing' and 'exploring' consciousness/reality/mind/self/life - I only say that without Self-honesty, one can take anything or have access to everything and will not dare to fundamentally question and change one's own self what is already a Programmed Mind Consciousness System what has created/developed and stabilized it's own energetic status quo by the very thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/definitions/habits/reactions as we refer to call ourselves as 'me, myself, I'. That can not be disregarded in a singular moment even with the highest drug experience - as it was built by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2, day by day, year by year and the same consistency is required to dissolve, walk out from it but with Self-discipline, Self-direction fueled by and as Self-honesty as Life.

Quoting again from Crime's journey to Life blog some Self-forgiveness to give an example for what I mean.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within perpetual cycles of emotion and feeling polarities, where I exist from day to day to live for the positive feeling experience such as joy, and to avoid the negative emotions such as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow up believing in the CONcept that who we are - are our emotions, feelings and thoughts -

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realizing and understanding for myself throughout my life, from observing my experiences, that these cycles of energetic experiences are truly not supportive of me as they by nature are uncomfortable, lead to abusive self practices and contain the being within continual struggles and depression/angst.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that emotions/feelings - once I for a moment stop participating in them, do not change me as what remains when those 'cycles' end is me consistent here as a living, breathing expressive being -

then I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see the common sense that surely it is not a system of the mind that indeed supports me, but only exists as a constant battle, a and is system that requires my understanding and directing, instead of blindly following, where I eventually accept a life around who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of living self responsibility in self honesty as what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personality from childhood into adulthood, around my emotions and feelings, whereby I live in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort I experience from allowing my own emotional patterns such as jealousy, anger, conflicted and the 'polarities' between which these points swing - which we call the seeking of the pleasures of life - which would exist as the polarity struggles between feelings and emotions such as: joy/sadness, hope/hopelessness, fear/brave, have/have not, beauty/ugly, joyful/depressed etc.

And finally quoting one Self commitment statement from Crime's journey to Life:

Therefore I commit myself that when and as I realize I will not become a personality through the use of drugs to fit into how society interact on the levels of the go and energy addictions - to stop the fears that come up around the point of 'what If I no longer belong' and to immediately stand equal and one to myself as life, to support only directive living that is best for all, and to realize that to exist in social situations that support only the mind as the ego - is not me as life, therefore if any fears come up;
 I stop I breathe, I stand physically stable and I either continue to participate in effective self expression without competing and wanting to fit in by acting like others - or I make a decision to leave, and I simply look again at the point of what it is that I would like to participate in, what social situations/interactions would support me and to then focus in the future on expressing myself where I see I would really enjoy myself, and to not fear letting go of the old personality designs I grew up believing I had to belong to.

Furthermore check those out, they are invaluable to assist and support to drop the veil of perceived self and explore what is beyond the paranoia and fear to become really free.

REWARD

To understand why I am taking the drug and actually see what I expect from it can start to transform my relationship from the drug back to myself and realize that as the Problem is me - the solution also must be - and the very habit I've formed by taking drugs for stop the paranoia of the mind is already a paranoia from directly facing, exploring, changing, taking responsibility of and as SELF as LIFE.

To explore the social fears what is already encoded into one's owns personality what the drug can enhance, suppress or even change - but if I am not the directive principle it is like a roulette - I play  casino and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose - without ever questioning how this game of mind works - and for real satisfaction is never enough.

To walk the practical tools of Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment and see how one is accumulating Self-direction, Self-trust, Self-integrity to realize that it is possible to directly transcend any fear and all paranoia without any drug is really something what I strongly suggest to consider/realize/try/explore!

[JTL 53] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1

                Here I am starting an(extensive) Paranoia Research Series on 'How Drugs promote Paranoia'.

First of all I am bringing in the context of mainstream(establishment education system) sources about 'Paranoia' and then seeing it through Desteni and Self-honesty principles to establish a baseline for expanding the multidimensional manifestations of Paranoia in regards to: Drugs.

Here drugs meaning substances what alters the perception of the human's mind - specifically focusing on substances what are so called Recreational drugs, Psychoactive drugs etc(for instance marijuana, alcohol, LSD).
I am not judging the substance or the user either; I simply share what I find to be supporting and practical to let go any paranoia regarding to drugs to support myself and others within walking through beliefs/delusions/convictions what are in fact not real.

The Problem

Paranoia

Excerpt taken from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia

                    Paranoia /ˌpærəˈnɔɪə/ (adjective: paranoid /ˈpærənɔɪd/) is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me.") Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, an incident most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a paranoid person might believe was intentional.

    The word paranoia comes from the Greek παράνοια (paranoia), "madness" and that from παρά (para), "beside, by" and νόος (noos), "mind". The term was used to describe a mental illness in which a delusional belief is the sole or most prominent feature. In an original attempt at classifying different forms of mental illness, Kraepelin used the term pure paranoia to describe a condition where a delusion was present, but without any apparent deterioration in intellectual abilities and without any of the other features of dementia praecox, the condition later renamed "schizophrenia".[when?] In his definition, the belief does not have to be persecutory to be classified as paranoid, so any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia. 

Excerpt taken from: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/1/40.full

 Similarly, others (Mirowsky 1983; Haynes 1986) have emphasised that paranoid thinking is likely to emerge in situations involving:

• ·         sudden social loss or isolation
• ·         acute disruption of usual social networks
• ·         exposure to environments in which previous social skills may not be useful, for example immigration or imprisonment
• ·         acute sensory deficits
• ·         actual powerlessness and victimisation.                          

What I emphasis here is this sentence:

                "Paranoia is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion."

                and

                " the belief does not have to be persecutory to be classified as paranoid, so any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia."  

After doing some research within various publications it is not really clear what is paranoia - from what extent one can be referred as 'paranoid' - especially if I use these sentences with the common sense of 'any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia' - meaning

if someone is holding onto something what is not real is basically paranoia.

However within the World of Psychology this seems to be only relevant when a person cannot function as a 'normally accepted way as it is referred as civilized today':

Again taking a quote from: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/1/40.full

    "Dimensional rather than categorical analysis seems especially applicable to paranoid thinking: ‘one person’s paranoia is another’s due caution, and one person’s trust is another’s gullibility … normal development entails learning that “not everyone who seems trustworthy is trustworthy’’ ’ (Blaney 1999: p. 343). Suspiciousness may be adaptive in certain environments, and determining how much interpersonal trust is appropriate in a given situation may indeed be a ‘vexing judgemental dilemma’ (Kramer 1998). Members of minority groups in particular may show defensive thinking that is understandable in the broader social context rather than being indicative of mental disorder (see later).

    An epidemiological study of a community sample in New Zealand found that 12.6% demonstrated at least some paranoid features (Poulton 2000), and nearly half of American college students report experiences of paranoid thinking (Ellett 2003). Thus, many people manifest mistrust and suspicion from time to time but because they are transient, modifiable and not significantly disruptive, such phenomena are not pathological.

    Clinically significant paranoid thinking may therefore best be conceptualised as an over-generalised form of a common and adaptive psychological process which, in its normal form, has some evolutionary value by facilitating the detection of threats to the self by other people. Conceptual models that emphasize continuity (although not equivalence) with normality may be helpful when attempting to engage people with paranoid personality disorder in treatment. "

So it does not seem to be exact just as math does (I am stating out that the education I came from is a different scene - I have a degree on computational science and I have paper of qualified bookkeeping and economy wherein it's all in the numbers and everything is understandable and reproducible to a certain degree by basic math and basically the simple equation of 1+1=2) - it is context- and group- and situation-based - meaning that mostly it is decided by the psychological or psychiatric institute when the person can be referred as paranoid - however mostly it is the case if one cannot function the way as we refer as 'normal'(can't do job to earn money for instance) or the person is harmful to others due to her/his specific behavior by paranoia.

I've quoted extensively to have a clear understanding how the current establishment seeing this only from the result of something what is only assumed and clearly not understood therefore the actual assistance and support for the individual is also varies based on the therapeuts ( see: MCQs: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/12/6/404.full )

After Some years of my own Desteni and Self-honesty-based research, it is clear that the dimension/word paranoia requires a new and broader perspective what is focusing on the actual understanding of how and why paranoia is created through the mind based on inner and physical experiences and how Self-dishonesty is exactly involved within the steps of creating our own-paranoia and how to actually assist and support oneself to understand/overcome/stop/transcend it.

So quoting another, relevant source on this:

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 395: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason – Part One

    "We are now at the Beginning stages of Placing into Context one of the Mechanisms that Influence Everyone’s life on Earth without Anyone being Aware of it - these Mechanisms are Not Yet Understood or Even Researched.

    So First we have to Place into Context and into Relevance the Structural Design of What we are Looking at when we are looking at Paranoia.

    Paranoia is Just a ‘pretty word,’ Meaningless in a way because Conveniently anything that seems to be ‘Abnormal’ may be classified as Paranoia, so it Needs to have a Word that is More Specific. Paranoia comes from the ‘Para-Noise’, the Paranoise comes from the Paranormal, the Paranormal comes from the Parapsychology and the Parapsychology is the Study of ‘Strange Events’ . But Not really – it is just Studying things that you Cannot Really Physically Touch like Ghosts and Thoughts, because Thoughts are like Ghosts: they are here now and then they’re Gone - in a Few Hours You Will Not be able to Remember the Exact Thought you had, you’ll be able to say “I Thought About” but You will Not Be Able to Recall the Exact Thought and Have it in Exactly the Same Way – also when you are Thinking about Something and Specially during the stage of the Developing Paranoia, the Thought will Repeat itself but In that Process, the Thought will Develop. So the Thought will be Changing and Progressively become More Obsessive and It Will Move You as the One having the ‘Paranoise’ the Paranoid Thought more and more to the Center of the Thought Convincing you that ‘the Thought is Right’ and you will so Change even Your Memory Eventually Claiming that ‘You are Right.’ It is a Fascinating thing that this Happens over and over and over again – and yet, our Psychology is not yet Researching this - it has not even Categorized it correctly because in a way Parapsychology is the Study of the ‘Thought Mind’ – that means Things like Paranoia, because it falls in the same Category as Conspiracy and Ghosts and in the same category as ‘Life After Death’ because it all falls within the things that You Cannot See.

    Paranoia particularly Induced through Thought and thus through Memory and thus through Vision – Television, Stories, Conspiracies, Education – that is all Paranoia, that is all Parapsychology because You Can’t Really Touch it. When that Paranoia becomes Physical, it becomes Psychological because it then would Become a Possession for Real where the Person for instance Believes ‘They Speak to Angels’ or ‘They Speak to their Loved Ones’ or ‘They Speak to JF Kennedy’ whatever ! The Fact of the Matter is that At this Stage, the Whole Preparation Stage that normally would have Happened through Meditation, through the Parapsychological Time-Frame of the Mind would be Forgotten."

            
                Within Absolute Self-honesty paranoia is when one is speaking to oneself through the silent advocate: the backchat, the inner dialogue what is called: thinking.

                One is not directly involved with the actual (physical) reality, because it is being disregarded for a moment(and for another moment) by listening to: thoughts about what is going on.

                This is commonly 'referred' as normal: the threshold is only from there where from ones can not live their 'desired' life regardless of being abundant on external resources: one is screwed from within because Paranoia is blocking the way in the pursuit of experiencing happiness.

                As the human mind is not yet understood, how (and why) actually we think and what is the source of it and what is the consequence for it - we can only assume and use models what with the modern psychology is only available to use it for specific interest: for instance in the corporate/government/military sector to filter out applicants who seem to be untrustworthy for giving specific tasks because of imminent signs of paranoia.

                There is actually quite some amount of other Paranoia-related research is being published continuously, so I am focusing this one towards to Drugs now.

Drugs

                Because it is clear that Drugs alter the Mind, within the Paranoia is born as well - and if the mind is already has been set towards paranoid tendencies - the drug might pronounce, enhance or even create paranoia within one's mind - what is clearly the starting point of the human's behavior, expression.

                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug

                                       " A drug is a substance which may have medicinal, intoxicating, performance enhancing or other effects when taken or put into a human body or the body of another animal and is not considered a food or exclusively a food.

                        Recreational drugs are chemical substances that affect the central nervous system, such as opioids or hallucinogens.[4] They may be used for perceived beneficial effects on perception, consciousness, personality, and behavior."            

                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_drug_use

                    “The concept of "recreational drug use" is that a person can use drugs recreationally or otherwise with reduced or eliminated risk of negatively affecting other aspects of one's life or other people's lives. Advocates of this philosophy point to the many well-known artists and intellectuals who have used drugs, experimentally or otherwise, with few detrimental effects on their lives. Responsible drug use becomes drug abuse only when the use of the substance significantly interferes with the user's daily life.”

                There are drugs what are legal(and even promoted by) establishment and there are what are illegal(even life sentence in prison or death penalty).

                If one has not understood one's own mind and how thoughts are created and why - it can happen that one goes after the experience of the drug without considering these limitations within the current system and might face being caught up by possessing or consuming specific 'blacklisted' drugs and facing serious punishment - and fearing from that to happen obviously can cause quite some Paranoia within one's mind and influence her/his and surroundings life.

                The problem is NOT the Drug - it is the human's relationship with the drug - and to decompose and understand what is really going on requires Self-honest investigation based on Liveable principles such as Equality and Oneness within practical understanding both the Paranoia and the Drug situation as well.

                The problem is that as mostly humans do: accepting how we are currently manifested and the way we behave - regarding to drugs as well - and never questioning the simple and powerful question what with we can use common sense for an obvious solution: What is best for all?      

                Watching this outstanding Interview with Marlen Vargas Del Razo - it is obvious: Why do even need using drugs in the first place? Drugs - a view less seen

                Without understanding it - we are band-aiding the problems causing by as we humans consume drugs and taking refugee within experience, more than actual reality here.

                What are risk factors for paranoia with drugs usage by this page:

                    "People with mental health problems use drugs or alcohol for the same reason as anyone - feel better, relax, have fun or be part of a group. While the immediate effect of drugs may give relief from some symptoms of mental illness (such as paranoia or hearing voices), when you stop taking the drug, the symptoms actually get worse. Problems commonly linked to drug use are depression, paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks.”         

      The same source states:

“Key points to remember

    Drug use can trigger a mental health problem or make an existing problem worse. The results can be serious or even fatal.

·         Use of meth/amphetamines (including ‘Ice’) can trigger psychosis or delirium (mental confusion). Regular use may lead to sleeping problems, anxiety or depression.

·         Cannabis worsens the symptoms of existing mental health problems and makes you more likely to develop a mental health problem, especially psychosis, in the long term.

·         Cocaine use can cause depression, anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks, as well as psychosis.

·         Ecstasy use can cause personality change, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, nervousness, hallucinations, tiredness, paranoia and depression in the short term. Depression is also common when the effects of ecstasy wear off.

·         Heroin is highly addictive. People with a mental health problem who use heroin are likely to make their symptoms worse and also limit the effectiveness of any treatment.”

           The problem comes here when the individual is NOT aware of one's mental(dysfunctional/delusional = SELF-DISHONEST mind) condition.
              
                This is going to take some time to draw a practical walk for such disregard for physical reality by celebrating experiences by substances planting/causing/manifesting mental disorders which through one is not only dysfunctional for one's own pursuit of happiness, but directly being involved being responsible for accepting and allowing such a system what we are facing today what is promoting only the experience of the ones who has some value(money, knowledge, power) by disregarding the others and causing poverty, starvation, epidemics, war, child-abuse and the destruction of the environment, animal kingdom, and the whole living ecosystem of the planet.

                The individual's apparently invisible but direct responsibility for such a system is not obviously experienced as how the system has been built up from scratches since very-very early times of human 'civilization' - however applying a certain degree of self-honest investigation based on common sense can unravel to which extent in fact we are all must be changed in terms of stopping the inner 'perceived' self/reality in order to be able to realize the actual - physical - reality wherein the problems are clearly visible only for those who are able to see.

                And paranoia is such a mental occupation which by anyone can be busy chasing ghosts within - without real practical solutions.

      The Solution

                The way to see within one's mind which is coming from paranoia and which is related to actual physical reality is Self-honesty and practical tools to be walked by consistent, common sense-based appliance.

                To understand the reasons and starting points of taking drugs which through people delude themselves with specific paranoia requires time and effort but there is assistance and there are many who already walked through and transcended extensive amount of drug abuse. Many of these people write blogs daily within the Journey To Life group and have made visible practical walk by the tools of Self as Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statement and Self-commitment within Self-honesty and these people are aware of the starting point and the consequence of their delusion and they are in fact able to assist and support within Self-honest walk out from Paranoia if one is ready and willing to give up the past what to one is holding onto inherently.

                I have an extensive personal experience of enhancing my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings, emotions by certain specific drugs which through I've created beliefs and the religion of (perceived) self what proven to be not real and even believing such thing seems to be now just a result of paranoia.

                So I will start to expand the Paranoia and Drugs dimensions from my own experiences based on using substances with what I've extensively altered my mind such as hallucinogens.

                I've walked quite some path on this topic and even here within this blog and especially my blog series as JTL(Journey To Life) but from now on I will bring it on with the perspective of the dimension of Paranoia.

      The Reward             

                To let go of paranoia, especially what is strengthened by drugs can assist and support one to establish integrity, self-confidence, stability and consistence within a self-directive, self-willful way - what is then can lead a healthy and self-honest life within one can consider not only self but others as well equally and that is the seed from we can birth real life from the physical within what we all can explore our greatest life-potential to the utmost degree without all kinds of paranoia simply by directly being here and disregarding what is not real and only supporting that is best for all.

To be continued…

[JTL 30] Self-correction on fearing from consequences

I continue with preparing myself within self-corrective statements to take responsibility for the consequences I face regarding to crying and fear from changing.

•  [JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

I commit myself to not go into the pattern of guilt when someone is crying to me.
I commit myself to actually look at the facts and reality about what really happened and what was my involvement within the fact that someone ended up crying to me.
I commit myself to not fear from facing consequences but realizing that what is done is done but in the moment, each moment, consistently within every moment I can make a difference to not manifest the consequence what I am responsible for.
I commit myself to fear from being with someone because of making the other crying with what I do or with what I do not do and I commit myself to transform all my relationships within and without based on principled walking within equality practically.
I commit myself to stop a self-dishonest pattern what I realize by using the tools provided by desteni such as self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments unconditionally without any reason but for standing as the living word, as the living forgiveness within and as the flesh.

When and as I face reality within someone is crying, especially when crying to me I remain clear, calm, breathing, present and open without the fear that I might react emotionally, without the fear of being influenced.
When and as I realize that someone is crying to me that I am responsible for bad feelings and suffering, I remain calm, present, I use common sense that what I can do for solving this problem what I am involved to without the emotional waves of fear, guilt, remorse within as I am realizing that I face consequences for what I've done or what I haven't done within the past and only within this specific moment I can change, I can make a difference.

When and as I fear from engaging into a relationship because of not being stable for doing so - I realize I can change, I can walk equal and one agreement with myself and by living that and expressing towards others - I can stop participate within patterns what with I abuse others or myself - so then I use writing, I use common sense and I use self-correction and self-commitment and scripting to specifically PREVENT shit to happen.

When and as I fear from losing myself and not keeping my word and not acting according to what I say - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as the words I speak - and if I said something what I do not see as the best for all participants then I do not fear from 'I have to do it because I've said so' - because that is of energy and by energy I am manipulating and enforcing myself - so then I make decisions what I can live and walk without energy, without conditioned, contextual thoughts, feelings emotions reactions and by those energetic movements charging specific personalities within and by that acting according to words I react to - instead of I stand here, I simplify myself here, I breathe, I stick to the principles of absolute self-honesty, presence, writing, self-correction, self-forgiveness and only engaging into agreements if fear comes from a particular topic to participate within such as sexual-relationship.

When and as I fear from rebound with my someone who I've had relationship, I stop, I breathe - I realize I fear from facing the manifested consequence, and I fear from not getting what I've defined getting by that particular relationship, and then I use common sense and I see what is the best for me and for all participants and if wanting to engage, I make sure that the basic, default things are clear and we agree on specific words what by we live and be together and if that does not happen, I do not expect, I do not react, I do not hope, but I do not engage to make sure that I prevent any emotional shit to happen.

When and as I start to follow thoughts within and then another thought, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am within fear - I do not see it through so then using systems to think instead of myself being fully aware of the situation to act within one singular breath the best for all participants - so then I realize I have already formed relationships within parts of the manifested system I face - and then I naturally disengage and let go all the relationships I hold onto within and as myself such as thoughts, feelings and emotions towards things outside of me.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment with someone, even with my partner, I realize I do not need to fear, I can be myself and still I can remain self-directive without the fear of losing myself within fear or desire - and when I would do so - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself and stick to the self-agreement within such as daily writing and keeping my words and take responsibility for what I do and say as equal as one.

When and as I fear from being judged by anyone because of the way I've decided to live my life - I stop reacting with fear and wanting to have more and more reason and clues for what I am able to decide so - I stop - I am self-decision, self-will, self-direction and I trust myself even if all the humanity would judge me as bullshit - if I see that it is clear and self-honest within me - I remain stable, calm, directive and walk my breath one step at a time and every time I become unsure, I stop for a moment, I let everything go within and when I am inner silent again, I walk again.

When and as I fear from being myself, and fear from being extremely expressive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've been holding myself back in my entire life so I must give the moments to myself to let go and let everything out without the fear of being judged and the fear of harming others - so within moments of anxiety and frustration I realize I can be myself naturally without any reason and energy - I am simply here I am myself as breath, I am expression, I am flesh, I am life.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment because of having a particular memory about 'when the last time I had this, that shit happened' - I stop, I let it go, I realize this moment is this moment, that moment was that moment - yet I use common sense, so I do not try to not see what is obvious, and I trust myself within that and I trust myself within the moment even if it means that making an apparently judge-able mistake for a couple of times - I rather trust myself within moment than making an other rule within myself based on fear and context and memory.

When and as I suppress emotions I stop and I realize it is because I fear from expressing myself and I fear from being responsible for the reason I am generating the emotions - by other or by myself - so within the suppression - I realize I am suppressing myself and systematizing myself and later on myself as moment will not be expressed but the systematized self-definitions will take over and try to equate the systematizing act of self-suppression through thoughts, emotions, feelings and energies what is certainly not life, so I do not suppress myself, rather seeing the core of self-suppression and the reason for not allowing myself to trust myself in the expression as myself - and then investigating that as myself and see what would be the best outcome for myself and for all participants within common sense.

When and as I feel that I am having good feelings, I realize I am energizing myself regarding to self-judgments and definitions, and by that I am not directly in and as the moment but of self-definitions, of self-fear, of being obsessed with one part of the reality, the polarity what I've defined that I am made for feeling myself good and never questioning that within what feels good is based on how I've allowed myself or did myself to program myself based on my interest - and that I can stop, I can transform into direct self-expression wherein I can experience self-enjoyment without the judgments of feeling good.

When and as I feel bad, I realize I am generating inner reactions what I've defined as negative and then I have the tendency to want to generate and participate within things what I've defined as positive and by that wanting to equate and balance and overcome the negative within and as my mind what is entirely not real, and by that I do not directly face the reality what I react to as 'negative' but I just want to make myself to feel good and never considering to changing myself and solving to stop the thing what is happening as being defined as 'negative' or even it is really negative or it is just opposed my currently self-defined self-interest.

When and as I use blame for someone who is apparently suffering from me because she(or he) did not take my words seriously, I realize it is not about words, it is about the physical actions I do and the consideration of what is already here yet not being defined by what is here.

When and as I fear from others blaming me - I realize I fear from responsibility - because if the blame is real so that I am responsible - it is not blame, but assisting and supporting me to realize my responsibility - and if it is just blame for what I am not responsible - then there is nothing to fear from because it is not my issue, but the other is facing the mind as manifested self and then I can remain clear, calm, here.

When and as someone is saying to me that I am responsible - I use common sense and realize that it is not about automatically believe and react but it is about reality and common sense - so then if I am present as clear inside and breathing - I can see that am I responsible, can I directly solve that? And if so then I take full responsibility and I commit myself to do whatever it takes to solve it to stop my relationship within myself with the self-judgments of regret and shame and fear from being responsible yet not doing anything and realizing that I can actually do something.

When and as I see that someone is stating that I am responsible for something what I have done or not done - and I see that I can not solve it, the manifested consequence is here, regardless of what I do or not - I do not regret, I do not go into emotional waves of shame - but I transform that realization into self-direction of direct and practical awareness that I am making sure that I take responsibility to PREVENT that to happen again and I do not fear from making the same mistake again but I prepare myself within writing, within scripting and self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear from going into a relationship with someone with no agreement - I realize it is because of desires drive me, because of fear drive me, because of shame drive me - and I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with the principles - and if I fear from going into an agreement with someone - because it might not work - then I stop myself fearing by realizing what I fear to lose or what I fear to manifest and how actually I can be responsible and how actually I can make a difference and how I can talk and discuss with that with the person I want to - and if not possible to direct that into direct communication, then I'd just skip that and realize - I must make myself clearly expressed that I only go into agreement, if everything is clear and agreed and kept - otherwise it will not stand the time.

When and as I fear from going into an agreement - I realize that first things first - I walk through Desteni I Process Agreement Course and by that I form a Self-agreement and then when I can walk that - I can explore expanding that with someone else - but until that - I stick to the basics, and I stick to the course and common sense and I explore how I can walk self-agreement and what I do require to agree with myself in order to remain effective within society and expand myself within equality and oneness without the fear of 'too much' and 'not enough'.

When and as I fear from going into agreement before I am ready for that - I realize I can still be within a sexual relationship by agreeing on specific things what both can agree on - and if I am unstable because of this not being effective - then I might re-align myself and communicate with the other to solve it - or I might consider to stop the relationship because inner quietness and effective self-honest walk of the mind within self-honesty is the priority - and it is not about exploding shit within ourselves all the time to 'try to expose and stop all the self-dishonesties at the same time' because then the reactions will wash my presence away and consistency can not be stabilized what is not common sense.

When and as I consider to walk with someone who is not Destonian - not using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, self-commitment, self-correction within common sense - that is a decision what I can respect - and by that I can respect myself and the other as equal as one and realizing it is not about bullying the other to be the way I want to be - but seeing my mind and stopping my mind - and if the walk with the non-destonian is making me constantly falling and trying to pick myself up again - is not effective - then I might consider to re-align myself and if even that does not work, then I must let go the other and the relationship and the need for walking with such person.

When and as I fear from walking with a non-destoninan a relationship/agreement - I realize I fear from facing myself within the very system I am exposed to and fearing from not being able to stand within the same manifestation of the system within small - within what I've always existed to and not realizing that there is a desire to be influenced by destonians when I am not walking the destonian walk such as stick to self-forgiveness, self-honesty, writing, sharing unconditionally and by those moments wanting to be conditioned to re-gain and reinforce my stability within using the tools by forces outside of me and not realizing that I can do that to myself directly without the external influences.

When and as I judge myself that I am not 'progressing' within self-direction and self-honesty and the process of stopping the mind and wanting to boost it, wanting to 'progress faster' - I realize that it is because I am not consistently using the tools as myself as self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing - every day therefore my judgment that I do not progress enough is meaning that I am not walking within consistency by not doing the tools every day unconditionally - and by judging that - wanting to solve it without actually writing every day - so then I re-align myself with what I decided to do so and progress effectively - every day.

When and as I judge myself that 'today I've written my Agreement Course assignment, so then I've already done my 'self-honest-walk' part, I do not need to deal with the issues today I am facing' - I realize it is diversion - and in fact fear - fear from not being able to have enough time - not specifically to something but just being able to 'judge myself to have an abstract enough time' because when I've defined myself not having enough time' in fact I am not disciplined to use time effectively therefore judging myself and not actually changing myself.

When and as I see a point within myself as issue - I write it to my blog and I walk through it - and not fearing from 'it will be too long to walk through so I'd just skip it' - then I compress it, I do not scratch around it but directly facing and directly writing about the self-dishonesty, the core - and even with some sentences I can assist and support myself to transform myself day by day.

When and as I judge myself that other destonians wrote dozens of pages every day and I want the same - I realize it is not about the quantity, it is not about others, it is about myself and about assisting and supporting myself within consistency and if I am being frustrated by not being able to be consistent - I realize it is because at days I am skipping writing - and if I have an issue about it, then I should write about 'having an issue why not writing every day' specifically by realizing - I can use the tools to anything within myself what I am not equal and one as life within.

[JTL 24] Intensified Entertainment as Enlightenment: evolutional mind interest part 1

How can you prove that you are not pre-programmed if you can not change yourself by self-honest decision?

I am continuing on my previous post by decomposing my relationship with the word: entertainment

• [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible
• Can Human nature change?
• Resistance to change
• Entertainment points
• Day 345: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part Four)

My family I've defined as always on surviving versus entertainment.
Entertainment seemed to be like what one wants to do and enjoys it.
Entertaining meaning taking a break from hard work, from serious fight within the system to get what we want.
Entertainment seemed to be something what is worth fighting for.
Entertainment was so valuable that most of the family members when they wanted to do their entertainment, they did not like when someone asked to do something what seemed like work and not entertainment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as resting and rewarding from surviving.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as taking break from hard work from serious fight within the system what I want and then when I already have what I've got, then the result is entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as something what is worth fighting for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I've seen within family that when being occupied with entertainment, it is not pleasant 'feeling' when being asked to stop it for doing something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not liking and frustrating when I have decided to go on entertainment and then being asked for do something for someone or because of something what is more obvious that is more important I have to stop my entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I am occupied with what I've defined as good and disregard everything and everyone else what is not entailing within the current entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a LOT of things as entertainment and then when those happen, then defining it as good and when it could just almost happen and then I almost expect it and then it does not happen then that defining as bad because I was expecting energetic experiences of within entertainment what I do not experience so then I experience disappointment what I've defined as bad.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within any self-definition I am limited to that information who I perceive myself to be and within that definition within the duality system I am part of a closed system within what there are rules what I can not change only with another duality-based system except when letting all go and not define and do not react to definitions but breath directly here within physical expression.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I've defined myself a center point within doing so and in that moment I am re-living, re-defining, re-charging within and as myself as energy according to my definitions, relationships, connections, associations, memories, reactions  about that specific word.

For instance the words are:
-computer; games
-movies
-taking an adventure(travel/hiking/walkabout)
-going out to party for pubs/caffeteria/dance hall/gather around fire/flat party/cooking party/haircut party/alcohol party/drug taking party
-art painting/workshop/visiting gallery/cinema/theatre/shows
-sport for instance football, running, ping-pong/martial arts/yoga/meditation(sitting doing empty vase effect)
-technician workshop for instance airplane modelling/morse workshop/construction workshop/computer workshop/programming workshop/photo workshop/filming workshop

Alright so then one can get what I MEAN entertainment.

However the twist came around when I've started to define myself according to these activities, for instance for a while with these I've participated within - and most of them I've written specifically as the center of the activity, for instance with alcohol I've did many of these - but then the center was not drinking alcohol, but it was just an effect on the specific self-defined entertainment activity for instance party or vandalism or dancing etc.
But there were times when the main goal was to absorb as much alcohol as we could (@ university; hell yeah) - and then we did not do anything else in particular, we just went to the shop, I took 2-3 bottle of wines, I drunk it and then after a while I went to sleep so then from here looking back the 'backbone' of the activity was 'drinking alcohol'. So.

Entertainment was twisted within and as me because as I've started to define myself according to doing these activities and while doing so, defining myself as 'this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I experience' - and then by that I've became it - the words I've got, the deeds I've did, clear.

But not really I've defined these as entertainment - more likely - 'this is who I am and in this moment this is what I do because this I've defined as I wanted to do so or I just did and then I've reacted to with consciously feeling as 'positive'.

So then entertainment was linked with positive feelings, moods, reactions mostly because apparently it was by a decision made by me when I had the chance to apparently decide and then I've moved towards these so within that movement I judged myself that 'okay, so then that is me, because that I chose, that I like, that is me then' - Or if not so, then the positive/negative ratio was still positive and by that I've defined as 'my precious'.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as specific words and then doing regarding those specific words - it was automatically linked with entertainment - because within 'fighting the system' and 'surviving for money and things what are required' I could not do such things while I could link my activities towards those words what I've defined as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending time with computer, computer games, movies, adventure, hiking, traveling, walkabout, party, caffeteria, pub, dance hall, fireplace, flat party, cooking, haircut with friends, drinking, alcohol, drug, art, workshop, gallery, cinema, theatre, shows, sport, running, ping-pong, martial arts, yoga, meditation, technical skills, morse, modelling, construction, computer tech, programming, photoing, filming as entertainment and when defining or associating or thinking or hearing these words I react with the relationship within and as myself towards and as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to entertainment and becoming frustrated when I have no opportunity to do entertainment within and as self-definition regardless of physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive myself doing and then defining myself so and then referring myself by those definitions and then associating towards the memory of such activity only with those specific definitions as words and not realizing that within self-definition I am self-limitation, self-automatization, self-suppression, self-dishonesty.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive and become addicted towards always wanting to boxing my activities towards labels, definitions within, specifically limiting my expression towards such specific words for instance watching movie is entertainment - regardless of what kind of movie or what is the reason or what is my physical experience.

And this might seem like I am crazy and I fear from entertainment and there is no such thing, but when I am losing life-awareness as all as equal as one as here within entertainment because of automatic association and reactions and energetic bounding within - for instance wanting to play computer game every week for hours or wanting to have sex with my partner every day just because that seems good for me meanwhile not really considering that if I define myself according to that - I become these words physically and then when not doing so then I might experience lack and devotion towards as formed a habit and not direct absolute presence awareness what simply accumulates within the simple math of 1+1=2 and then that compounds and then that energy might take over and THEN I am unable to consider what is best for all - even what is really best for me as well - so that's why I simply equalizing my relationship - purifying my inner sanctum - with the word entertainment - to not be obsessed yet not judge it as bad or good and not even fear from fully experiencing it without the concern that I might lose 'perspective within' - so that's why I write all out within and put everything in front of me and then seeing the words what I contain and then I see my mind and then what is not absolutely self-honest, for instance even doing hugging and flirting with a woman who is not my partner meanwhile I have an agreement in the moment 'in reality' that we do sexual flirt only with each other simply because we agreed on that and we live the words what we speak -- and in the moment the entertainment dimension within and as me simply intensifies and within the excitement I go into that expression with an other and then I face the fact that I am not doing what I speak and that is already a self-compromise, self-disempowerment, because next time I say something, I might fact the possibility, that then that words I will not again express because the more I say different than I doing - the more I realize it is no matter what I say, what I state, what I agree on with words, and then I am untrustworthy, not only for my partner, but for myself and then that might cause conflict within as well. Sentenced to dare to share ;)

I have done accepting and allowing such impulses to do hug and flirt with women because I wanted so meanwhile I've judged that is not good for my partner and for myself as well - yet I've accepted those and did not stop - or at times came back - and I am sure I can change and I can stop such reactions within without fearing I am becoming empty and dark because the more I stop within the more I directly experience that is obvious within and without as well. So Self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments are assisting and supporting me to be aware in the moment to make a difference, so I enjoy expressing myself doing so.

So for me for instance flirting with women who I do not want to be partner with - even when it is clear that we just flirt - if I agreed with my partner that we do not do such things - then I shall not, regardless of any excitement.

So that's why I walk through the word entertainment because for me enter taint-I meant to be within occupations what are not always - or even never - is what is best for all if that pre-programs conflict within myself and my partner into the future, so it is unnecessary.

So That explanation was some sort of clear for me but writing it out - it is here and anyone can read it and I have stabilized myself within writing it out and that not means eternity but for a moment as a structured, stable, consistent self-support to be able to always consider all participants within my reality within the interest of what is best for each. And that is very possible, even if it takes years, I'd rather do it than judging it before try.

Because within writing I pour out the bucket of words what I react to and what I consist of as description of my reality within duality from self-definition to undefined direct self-expression.

And duality I mean for instance there is me and there is a subject and there is the act of subjecting by words for instance seeing crying somebody and then I react with the word sadness - however I am sure not all crying is sad.
Because this mind of defining and defining and defining ad-dick-tion is really the act of self-separation within perception and then by that the automatic physical manifestation is really limiting.

All the explanations are in the words for why I write self-forgiveness - because this is the most practical way for oneself to face what has been accepting and allowing since the beginning and this tool is the constant self-reflection that I want to change and then am I really changing or only saying so or by forces outside of me towards self-interest or avoid conflict only for instance or dare to consider the best outcome and change currently, already manifested self according to that.

So continuing on decomposing entertainment:

Throughout the years I've refined entertainment more and more, and evolved within the sake of intensity and specificity.
The most intense experiences for a long while were about facing women, simply looking into eyes of women - that always seemed very exciting and in fact petrifying(of the fears what are irrelevant here but facing enormous fears always seemed intense for a reason - that's another topic;) but there I had no self-direction so for a while I avoided that until alcohol came around me at the university.
And then I was able to interact with women and I was able to experience the word party and in the 'central european style': drink, fight, curse...

Then the literally blood-fighting alcoholic raves for wild music with lot's of delirium the inner animal as rage against the machine of self came to surface and for a while I was specifically working on getting drunk that much that I could to have an experience the 'film-break' within my mind - when I had the continuous memory of the night and then from one moment for a while I did not remember.
Then I've deliberately reached the mind-state of that I did not know what happened, I did not remember what I did, what I didn't, nothing. So then with alcohol that was interesting entertainment - not remembering myself - that seemed somehow relaxing - for a while I did not experience myself literally. This could be also an other topic as within White-Light experiences with acid I've had similar but from another starting point.
But with alcohol it was always obvious that is self-destruction as multiple family members has been proven that to me quite literally, especially my father who went nuts and died utterly in a drunk accident.
Also I was quite neurotic and consumed that much alcohol that I had stomach problem and for a while I've experienced hell in terms of my physical body was so screwed up than doctors told me that I have to take stomach-acid-calming pills until the end of my life what pissed me up so much so then I wanted to change, really change. In that time within my relationship still I was not directive, supportive, caring, but reactive, I could not really be myself and my partner was really unstable as well and then we just did split.
And THAT was my greatest world-burning, everything-changing, everlasting enormous really intense one billion celsius degree hot 'love' - what was just gone and that was quite a disappointment - because for years I've put everything on that - not into real practical physical love within equality, but within my mind - that was really something what I wanted and then I've got it and then I've (we) screwed it up and we had to let go each other.
So after that I've been sucked into the self-vacuum of psychedelic/spiritual scene wherein I've fulfilled my mind-domain-exploration and the physical(also sex) was disregarded for a while. There was a guy around who told us that 'you are druggers, for druggers there is no need for woman' - because then I was constantly stoned and tripping...

With LSD and MDMA and SALVIA within various and specifically planned or randomly shocking mind-blowing experiences I've had a grasp of a definition of intensity in terms of the possible frequency domain of experiencing the extremes of the mind.
So then that changed my definition of entertainment and intensity for sure.

Somehow what can be seen as entertainment - each one can define it differently, for instance for me computer games is entertainment, for somebody else is work and job and money.
And also computer programming seemed to be quite an entertainment and then I've defined myself according to that and then this I do all day for get my coins for buy my dreams true literally and it is quite far from still being able to find this 'entertaining' by being a corporate cog within a system what do not cares about all life equally but mostly about the revenue.
So then I've redefined entertainment in a way that seemed legit by not really saying that what I do is 'entertainment' - but it was a 'journey for self, for a path for attainment for finding and fullfilling myself' - and for instance the delusion of 'enlightenment' was the most jolly-joker excuse for anything I've done - because anytime I've faced any doubt that what I actually do is just 'entertaniment' - then I've told to myself that 'this is also requires for the realization of who I am and who I am not' - regardless of going to night club or stealing stuff from a shop or smuggling refined Nepali pollen- I've successfully persuaded myself with the idea of that this is all part of my enlightenment and nothing to be judged, in the moment I or others would judge it, I was automatically ready with the reaction and excuse and justification answer of that 'this is my path'.
And then entertainment was literally tainted with self-interest without even the need for realizing it, even within the apparently most unsignificant details, for practical instance:
-playing assassins creed 1 game was about 'realizing conspiracies' and unrevaling mystical knowledges and connecting crumbs of informations within this system about the real reality - when in fact it was just a roof-jumping simplistic sword-game
-taking acid weekly for my self-realization because within the experience I had moments within vivid, calm, apparently clear inner experiences, regardless of the fact that for days I did not do anything except walking around in a time-remapped mirror-frenzy while being unable to take the smallest responsibilities by saying -'sorry I am tripping now, I am unable to consider the physical, but this is The most important thing one can do'.

some word play:

enlightenment /entertainment/ain't 'n ment /enter train I ment to be pre-programmed

In light I ment = enter train I 'ment to be as psy cyclogical con sequenceof self-in-dearest

So then I've simply persuaded myself with the things I was occupied with were in fact the part of my journey to enlightenment, self-realization and those are really specific and special so then I was able to enjoy those without too much doubt and no reason or conscious justification was required simply I was taking what I seemed to be needed and that is fascinating and the feeling of the energy of enlightenment was some sort of authority for just do whatever I wanted because I was 99.99% persuaded within myself that this is the best scenario and this is what is best for me and therefore helps me to reach the enlightenment and then that must be best for all as well.
And that was done with the catalysts of spiritual methods and drugs - intensified energetic self-made-up hyperspace of entertainment - but when faced real transcendence points for real, physical, direct change for stopping something what was obviously self-dishonesty: all proven to be fucking useless from time to time by facing real physical irreversible shitty consequences of self-deluded participation until the veil was dropped for real.
So the refugee within anything but self here within absolute self-honesty as all as equal as physical life is always a fuckup and manifesting irreversible consequences within and as the only stable and constant and consistent dimension what we all equally share: the physical.

And that is responsibility.

So I am almost ready to start re-defining entertainment within responsibility for all what is here equally. But first self-forgiveness on those perceptions is required to let go the self-compressed symbolism of self-interest and letting go the hypnotic trance of fear what is hidden behind all the pre-programmed personalities behind entertainment/enlightenment and survival/fighting.

Journey to Life is literally a Journey to Life - word by word, breath by breath. Changing perspective from self-interest to All Life-interest. Can you?
 Participate and enjoy to explore a starting point what is beyond any con.