[JTL Day 222] Decomposing Personality of Fear

I continue with Personality. Previously I've opened up points  of

• [JTL Day 221] Energy and Seriousness

Which means that there is this point of seriousness when feeling energy accumulated in my mind, a certain personality activates.

A personality is a pattern for who I think and believe I must behave and it has patterns, conditions, definitions and of course limitations.

Recently I was quite aware of one of my most apparently 'powerful' personalities, what I call as 'The Stoic'. It's not really 'powerful', but when I am being possessed with it, it gives that false feel of power, which then I use to shield myself and still become effective and very punctual - well, in fact quite blunt and ruthless sometimes.

I always wondered about this aspect of my mind and I believed that I learned from my grandpa, who had jail time and he was quite a gangster in his time as he had to live in a time where was revolution, street gangs, and he was a good fighter, but this is just information - I did not have to fight much myself.

My father was border-guard in the communist era and I always could understand the military mind and in a certain way this personality can be quite effective in war, because there is like a feel of my inner space and emptiness shrinks and there is this specific frequency of fire within which drives me to play out everything externally - mostly to focus on others, always finding their 'weak spot' and engage, expose and utilize in order to reach/get what I want, which also comes from inside quite automatically.

The most interesting point within this is that I deliberately go into personality, there is mostly a thought pattern before, but sometimes no - and then there is a reaction, an emotion and then when I go into this 'mindset' - to have this feeling of force, power, which fuels me, and I 'ride'.

It's always about a certain reason - and if I can decide that I stop this personality - or change to an other, then it's simple, immediate, which is kind of weird experience, but it's part of who I have become according to the self-acceptance of fear, because it is built on that in it's essence.

What exposes this personality that I am not fully myself is the tension, the drive, the lack of inner experience of infinity of silence, emptiness.

Instead I am constantly in movement, there is no pain, fear showed and it's pretty easy to make others react, who has also fear or reactions and from that moment it's about 'them' and as people go into the 'game' - I ride that and it's weird but once I go into the 'win' point - it's like running upwards a hill and once I ran up, I want to run further and there is no more, I am on the top but I still want to get higher and there is no way and it's like an engine is just running and it's no need for it - then I can have a weird moment of 'What the fuck I do' and I can settle down, because I realize I do not need to fear.

Recently I was asked to stop this because it was not cool and I was immediately able to stop because it was clear that I do not need for this personality, especially that there was no need to either find weak spots, prove my point or even protect myself - and within that moment I realized the ridiculousness of this personality and how long I've created, participated it.

I have several personalities, but I've given to this one the most permission to activate and become, because it seems effective and powerful, apparently can protect my 'mini-me', but it's not direct 'relationship' with reality, it's coming through my limited mind-set, it is conditioned and in fact at certain points it's not effective and what I really lose by becoming this 'stoic, skeptic, bitter, critique' is the humbleness and equality.

The humbleness and humility - towards life and others as me as equals - and I was able to justify that with this personality that I can support others to expose their self-dishonesty, even if it means it's raw, crude, unpleasant, but as it's a pattern, it's limited, I am automated, same as with drugs - gives the ride but not me directing within utmost specificity and awareness, but patterns of manifested consequences, self-definitions, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

As I walk the Journey to Life Process of writing, sounding, applying Self-forgiveness, I accumulate the ability to stop myself and step back and see how it is based on what fear and by that realization becoming able to decompose the patterns which constitute into building up and automatically becoming mind-personalities.

The false sense of 'power' comes from the personality by skipping the moment of being conscious about fear, being actually aware of how I create the fear experience with which I sabotage my ability to apply the most direct solution.

It's interesting to see that schizophrenic people are being judged as 'bat shit crazy nuts' but in the meantime an 'ordinary' human(of course a 'healthy' ego does not refer itself as 'ordinary') has many personalities: one for picking up partner, one for arguing with parent, one for being the good worker for boss, one for being a great lover, one for deal within the ghetto, in rude environment, one played out at parties and the transition, the interconnectedness of these self-definition-based reaction-rule set personalities is so smoothly embedded and ingrained into one's life smoothed with thoughts/feelings/emotions that by the becoming we do not see/realize/understand that it's a con played by our consciousness based on our own original fear to have a feel of stability, certainty, power.

"I am a lawyer, a soldier, a programmer, an artist, a great lover, a Chinese, a biker" - self-definition - limitation, based on polarity, energy, fear.

It is quite brave to acknowledge that I accept and allow fear without any justification and excuse, projection or blame, because then it is all about self as who I am here today. I am responsible, which is quite intense, but simply true and by this realization I can decide to understand, stop, change from my fear to fearless self-expression.

There is also a gift, an advantage within decomposing and stopping automatic personality-activation: the ability to decide within responsible, humble, yet effective way on how to act, respond, which in the beginning feels less smooth, powerful and 'normal' but these are also dimensions for to apply self-forgiveness as a false reliance on qualities based on self-definitions of polarity, condition instead of Self-direction.

I am power, I am expression, I am humbleness - it should not be based on a condition, a person, a circumstance, because then it is not self-direction, but self-automation based on a self-accepted reaction manifesting into action.

So I walk Self-forgiveness to become aware and decompose the patterns which constitute to create, react to, become identified and act upon personalities.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within accepting reactions within me, accumulating into energetic experiences and activating personalities within me with the justification of 'I need this' in order to behave the way I feel I have to act in order to get what I want, to protect myself, to have movement, a feel of power, clarity, obviousness and within that not realizing that it is a system I use as a layer within separation from what is here, from who I am as life as equal with and as all here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear directly within wanting to use energy, reaction, self-definition to give permission to be acted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to protect my beingness in the fear of loss, fear of change, fear of hurt, fear of pain, because I've defined myself according to my changes to fear, loss and pain and allowed myself to be automatic with the patterns I react to fear, to prevent fear, to deal with fear without understanding what I fear and actually why and what is the consequence I cause by this pattern to fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I created personalities in my mind, to automatize reactions, behaviors, what I've defined as supporting me, protecting me and not realizing that it is based on thoughts, feelings, emotions, which are based of certain fear without questioning what I participate within, what will be the consequences for me and others.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I define a situation serious, meaning I have something to lose which I do not want and I feel the tension, friction about it, having inner conflict within and react with fear, I create energetic reactions within me which accumulate into personality to activate to feel and behave certain ways, which I've defined as who I am and how I should act in situations and not realizing that it is not self-direction because it's a reaction based on how I reacted in the past and given permission to become automatic.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I lose presence in and as my human physical body and focus my attention to things outside of me meanwhile losing awareness how I am, why I am doing things, then I give permission to my mind to react and act automatically.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware when I act automatically meanwhile listening to thoughts, feelings, emotions and not realizing that I am separated within this - having inner reactions, programmed to come up and react, take away or make me do things what I not realize that it is based on fear and never considering the solution as stop myself going into fear first and see what is actually the point I want to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define activating personality as feeling good, safe and familiar and define it as myself and by the energetic experience, feeling myself as powerful and not realizing that I am compromising myself based on conditions, self-definitions and pre-programmed reactions to deal with fear.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that how exactly I've created personality in my mind based on thoughts, feelings, emotions and when and why I go into activation of the certain personalities and not seeing that I want to avoid fear based on another layer of fear and not seeing the whole pattern, the whole dynamics, the whole system, only being identified and reacted to one layer at a time, just like a turing-machine, an algorithm, a fuzzy-logic rule-set, which consists of conditions and reactions, just much more than I believed I could grasp and understand, which is also comes from a fear and in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that all the fear I experience is not real, it's just an energy I want to avoid because behind it there is awareness, responsibility, change, which I defined myself needing to resist at all cost, because who I defined myself to be should not change, because then the fear would come up that I am losing myself which is also defined to fear and within behind all this, the interest of me, self, separated from what's and who's all here as equal as me and within this not realizing that regardless of my experience and my reaction, facts are here, based on my actions and if I act based on fear, it's still manifested.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I can let go fear, I can face and walk through the fear, the valley of shadow of death, which is losing all which is my self-interest, which is the death of who I believed myself to be as personality, mind, consciousness, system, and beyond there is a birth of life, fearless, undefined, direct living.

I will continue to decompose the particular personality I've started to open up here...
I suggest to learn and apply Self-awareness Life-skills with the Desteni I Process Lite Free Online Course:

[JTL 151] Need for fight and win part 4 - Commitment

Continuing with Self-commitments to direct myself towards a future which is aligned with my Self-forgiveness on what to change in regards to past acceptances and practical Self-correction of present re-alignment in regards to the words of fight, win, power and fear(about I write since some posts) to ensure that I am in all ways aligned with the Principle of a Living Word which is an accumulation for What is Best for All.

Those who question or doubt that it is even possible to grasp or act according to What is Best for All must understand that all the limitation we face is the self-accepted mind-prison only which can be practically walked through with the Journey to Life and Desteni I Process and which many are currently walking in an open, physical, every day participation while being busy with their daily living while exploring what would mean to LIVE Radical Freedom.

Writing is a KEY for Freedom, writing is a tool for Self-exploration, writing is a form of alchemy wherein with motivation and will one can transform SHIT to GOLD literally.
This "alchemy making gold" stuff has been misunderstood quite profoundly so re-education, re-alignment, re-establishment of the physical manifestation of simple common sense is required.

Our inner friction, doubt, frustration, exhaustion and insanity of repeating the same patterns while not even being aware of why and what and in fact who we do what we do is what we has in our mind and it is that has been manifested (as) an external world which is not so friendly with those who have no money, which seems irrelevant until one does not try to step out one's self-accepted patterns of personality, habit of life - but once one is trying to change oneself within|reality with out - will face that it is extremely difficult - but it is possible to change who we are today simply with decision, direction requires effort, dedication, commitment, specific understanding what for writing is the greatest tool. But who want (to) change?

Obviously those individuals who are in the experience of 'feel good' do not really want to change themselves as they are currently quite alright as they are defining themselves according to experiences and not facts - but the majority only gets moments, glimpses of any reference of a "great life", "happiness" while facing more facts: the reality, which is not so nice with billions of suffering - so for those the point of changing make more sense.

Within the process of change one can see/realize/understand the shit within which is in fact causing oneself to suffer, to be limited, driven by external influences - and yes - literally being influenced to act automatically with not awareness but friction, conflict, fight, surviving which is quite shitty to become so then that shit we can start investigate and transform with the alchemy of writing wherein one uses words to describe experiences, uses words to explore the how and why within the investigation of what is here as self and reality as well.

Within writing one can explore what is the difference of inner and outer within self and experiences in regards to physical facts and by cross-referencing, consistently applying common sense and developing Self-honesty one can reveal the specificity of Self-dishonesty: which is the shit what alchemy aims to transform to gold.

Many has no opportunity for this process are they are very busy to remain alive, strive to survive in a very unfriendly human system, so anyone who can have opportunity to write should appreciate being lucky within this capitalistic, cannibalistic casino system wherein for one to win many lose and within the hope of winning all losers comply into the rules what the previously winners written.

To re-write our system wherein not only some has gold but all can share, we re-define the words:

As gold one can define will, trust, stability, clarity, understanding, direction in relationship to oneself and the reality to be able to word it, to explore what it means to align the words within one's mind, one's mouth and eventually one's actions.
Then that is referred as the Living Word - and then our words become directive power, become the very fabric of creation within actual self-realization of equality and oneness with all what is here as self.

Fellow humans, this is not mystery, this is Life, this is Here.
If one does not believe, just test it out...trust only self here!
So words are the fabric of reality, the bricks of creation.

See all systems use it: politicians, media, film, sales, building, education, law, religious, spiritual agenda: everything what is manifested, stable currently is because of written word! So it is common sense to apply for and as Self as well! So let us write ourselves! Who we were, who we are, who we will be, write, write, write within Self-honesty.

And then one's words become reality - within the specific self-investigation one's weaknesses has been written out within absolute details and it is on the paper, in the file to show how and why one has became what/who it/he/she is today and can understand the process of past accumulation what has lead to today's experiences, factual manifestations - the creation of self which is conditioned, enslaved to circumstances - so then these weaknesses can become points of opportunities to work on within practical, worded understanding which is not running one's mind but it is here, remains here in and as the written word.

So one has the busy mind and writes it all - writing it down until everything of a point, a topic, an event, an experience is written out and there is the moment of emptiness, when all is here and one is empty, silent within.

Within the writing process one is slowing down within and writing down all the thoughts, reactions, feelings and word by word, letter by letter writing it down and slowing down within: one is being able to understand more than when just thoughts and feelings run within the mind with the velocity of about twenty per second. That is not practical, that is madness.
So writing is serializing the matrices of mind consciousness. All the rules and judgements, definitions of positive, negative, reasons and justifications, conclusions and identifications - write it all!

Many has this perception that many things can not be worded with excuses and justifications like:
too good, too great, to deep,
too profound, too complex,
too difficult, too intense etc

to word experiences and facts but I say then it is already questionable, who is limited, "myself here with my self-accepted relationship in and as my mind consciousness system in relation to experiences with words" or the words themselves?

Words are just words - what can not be explained with words one has not yet grasped, so how can we trust within ourselves about that particular 'topic'? Shaky...yet, obviously not everything has to be worded but within self-realization, about self-limitations, self-definitions it is a must.

To see each word we speak, react to and live: is really what we want to become and if not, then we can change our relationship with the words, to re-align, re-define our vocabulary and live words as equal as one as ourselves, starting all by writing all words down, out, here.

And within writing, like saving our mind into a file - once it is done and that point is here, one is empty and then within that emptiness can receive, embrace what is here, what is real.

That is a fascinating moment because within that moment - one is be able to be here, be clear, be empty yet capable of understanding. It should be practically specific, not just sit down and write until you die - but about a point - for instance 'worry of failure' or 'fear of spiders', whatever is bugging oneself the most - apply self-direction within practical, liveable common sense while we participate within our daily living, going to work, be with kids etc and schedule time to write - that is practical self-direction, self-realization through and as words.

Just to share some glimpses of why so much sharing of so much written words...

...and within this continuing from the previous post of what I commit myself to walk into practical application with no separation but self-direction step by step, word by word.
Currently about energy, power, fear, wealth and fame just to mention some trigger points of inner frictions to re-align.

I commit myself to walk through all upcoming fear within me according to power, wealth, fame and exposure within human systems and I commit myself to remain here, stable, consistent and use common sense and consider facts here.

I commit myself to stop fighting and within stopping I realize it is the fear of being judged myself as inferior I want to force change what I perceive to be which is not real, not practical and not considering all what is here therefore I let go the fight and embrace what is here and use common sense, breathe and accumulate what I want to manifest.

I commit myself to let go the need to fight, win, dominate within the understanding that all fight is against myself within friction and within that I would always lose - so I rather stop fearing, breathing, writing, investigating, acting within common sense, practical actions to stop which is not aligned with life.

I commit myself to prevent myself to go into energetic experiences of want to resist, fight, dominate, fuel my mind states with energetic reaction in the delusion of I need to battle against myself, others, the world within realization that all what I face here is myself so rather I embrace, I stop, I re-align and remain clear, inner silent and act with common sense, considering facts within consistency.

I commit myself to stop fearing when seeing something or someone is fighting against me and I remain here, directive, present without going into fear but consider practical ways to prevent and stop harm.

I commit myself to let go the fear of becoming evil when acquiring more stable financial status within the consideration of what must be done for implementing Living Income Guaranteed requires media, exposure which require money and within that I commit myself to support financially Equal Life Foundation and for future leadership the Desteni I Process and EQAFE as much as I can while remaining stable and consistent within the system.

I commit myself to be self-honest with myself to not make decisions what has impact to my reality which I am not aware of what consequences I will cause - with full of my potential, meaning what common sensically I am able to comprehend without going into reaction of worry and fear that I am not aware of everything which would be not practical, so in those moments I commit myself to stop the doubt, the complication and I remain simple, empty, directive here.

I commit myself to stop judging people according to their fame, wealth and I commit myself to prevent myself judging people by comparison with knowledge and information of the personality of the mind with polarity of negative and positive.

I commit myself to stop and prevent myself defining myself according to experiences and I commit myself to stop taking refugee within experiences and realizing that I am as living flesh and what I express and participate within physical reality is fact here.

I commit myself to decompose and let go all energetic relationships within me to 'help' or 'define' to feel me, to experience me, my reality and realizing that this is the act of separation, accepting the comparison, the perception of self-interest which I commit myself to remember that it is not real, only all life here as equality is physically here.

I commit myself to stop judge positive and negative in my world according to my self-interest and realize that all definitions which I allow me to automatically judge, influence my perception, experience, behavior - is the mind, the mirror of my current beingness to show me what I have to re-align in the interest of all life as equality.

I commit myself to not accept and allow the forces against all life to progress within my reality, which are delusions of consciousness systems about life while disregarding, abusing the physical life here, to stand up within and as myself and express and act according to the principle of "Give as you would like to receive" and "Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself".

I commit myself to embrace all power, wealth, fame to promote Equality as Life for all lifeforms within the interest of What is Best for All which I accumulate to manifest with the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2 until all life is equally appreciated, loved, taken care on the physical level.

I commit myself to not stop until all life is free as manifested equality in and as the physical as this is who I am and this is what I stand for.

I commit myself to slow down within until I stop and remain inner silent and empty within myself to be able to express into and as physical reality directly as who I am as life and take responsibility for all what is here as equal as one as myself.

I commit myself to walk the Process of Self-realization within Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment to re-align all my fractions of my mind, of my self, of my beingness into a living
Flesh, Living Word beingness which is consistently able to exist without fear, desire, thought, feelings, moods of the mind and assist and support myself and others equally who are ready and willing to walk out from Mind Consciousness to PHYSICAL LIFE in and as EARTH as manifesting a world which is Best for all equally.

Join Desteni I Process LITE free online course with seasoned Word-alchemist supporting buddies who has already been proven to be able to change themselves and willing to support others with the same process freely in and as the starting point of Give as you would like to receive, which accumulates into practical Equality and Oneness as LIFE.

This VLOG I've made 5 years ago about Self-forgiveness as Debugging the Mind:

Check out Creation's Journey to Life blogs to grasp more on this process.

Also some links here point to Self-support from EQAFE audio interviews which are huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge assistance for Self-realization, check it out!

[JTL 116] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 3

Continuing on:

• [JTL 114] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 1
• [JTL 115] TV Series Mind Patterns Decomposition part 2

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus only to experience of images and sounds and disregard physical presence, physical beingness, physical facts here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define film, movie, book, comics experience as interesting, more interesting than reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into polarity in terms of interesting and not interesting and comparing images and pictures on TV, movies with my physical life and defining images and my reactions towards images as more interesting than being here - and defining interesting as a goal, as a fascination, as a priority and not realizing it is a self-manipulation to pull myself from being here into the experience of the mind through picture, image stimulation based on already established, self-defined, self-accepted definitions of the mind through thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel separated from experience and defining experience as who I am and by that defining experience by my judgments, reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to positive experience and wanting to continue the experience of feeling positive without questioning what I am doing here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience of watching a story, a TV series as interesting and fascinating and defining my interest to explore, watch, experience, react more of this TV series experience and defining who I am according to this experience, this reaction to this 'TV series watching experience' and my reaction to 'TV series watching experience' and layer by layer physically programming myself to be this as action and reaction without questioning and applying common sense and consider the physical here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the mind and be the starting point of experience, the experience of TV series, the episodes, the depicted events and scenarios and defining myself as who I am according to how I react to these experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to know more of the story of the TV series so much that after an episode automatically wanting to see the next one within curiosity and defining it as entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define characters in TV series and Movies according to polarity, as positive and negative and identify myself with the experiences of these characters and reacting with feelings, thoughts, emotions towards these the same way as I allowed myself to react to real human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to experience more about TV series, Movies characters who I've defined as fascinating, attractive, interesting, cool, brutal, groovy, smart or any label or definition I define them what I enjoy watching, reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I experience desire and fear when seeing events experienced by characters of films, movies and not realizing that by automatic reaction I am programming myself to behave the same way within similar real life circumstances and not considering the responsibility to stop myself when it is not the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live out suppressed desires by seeing and reacting to film, movie characters what they do and I wanted to try, do, experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that seeing abusing, hurting, killing people, animals within films, movies is alright, normal and not realizing that it is influencing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that how I have been formed who I am today according to movies, films and never considering to investigate and being intimate with myself to explore who I've became by these definitions what is not LIFE, what is not really who I am as Life.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the Self-honesty within stopping defining myself in relation to films, movies and never realizing the consequences of such influences within my real life events, experiences.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I react within through thoughts, feelings, emotions towards films, movies - I am within separation, judgment, which is the action of not being here, stopping being present, direct and live but use the mind to filter, process and influence, control me through the reactions based on my accepted self-dishonesty relationship with the point I judge, define based on: always: fear.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that when I am reacting within fear and allowing fear, programming fear through films, movies and not considering to stop, to not participate, to purify myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within watching TV series - the episode will wait if I do not continue right after one episode to watch the next one - and the only thing I am rushing to continue is to continue to have the experience of watching it, being lost in the experience of watching it, not wanting to be here, within presence, within consideration of facts of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically want to continue an experience of TV series until there are episodes and until I can continue and not realizing that within the experience I am not after the story but the experience of not being here but within constant reaction.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that real priorities are here within and as the physical and to disregard that already indicates that I have formed and programmed myself in relation to experience which is the result of judgment, polarity, fear without being aware of it therefore not questioning it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the pattern within wanting to rush into an experience to just going through it to be 'free of it' and not realizing that after the experience is gone - I am still here with the relationship with the experience and by that inducing and creating a lack, a feeling, missing something what I automatically want to fulfill based on my past, based on self-acceptance, self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down within watching TV series, Movies and see what I experience and why and be able to question and stop.

to be continued

[JTL 30] Self-correction on fearing from consequences

I continue with preparing myself within self-corrective statements to take responsibility for the consequences I face regarding to crying and fear from changing.

•  [JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

I commit myself to not go into the pattern of guilt when someone is crying to me.
I commit myself to actually look at the facts and reality about what really happened and what was my involvement within the fact that someone ended up crying to me.
I commit myself to not fear from facing consequences but realizing that what is done is done but in the moment, each moment, consistently within every moment I can make a difference to not manifest the consequence what I am responsible for.
I commit myself to fear from being with someone because of making the other crying with what I do or with what I do not do and I commit myself to transform all my relationships within and without based on principled walking within equality practically.
I commit myself to stop a self-dishonest pattern what I realize by using the tools provided by desteni such as self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements, self-commitments unconditionally without any reason but for standing as the living word, as the living forgiveness within and as the flesh.

When and as I face reality within someone is crying, especially when crying to me I remain clear, calm, breathing, present and open without the fear that I might react emotionally, without the fear of being influenced.
When and as I realize that someone is crying to me that I am responsible for bad feelings and suffering, I remain calm, present, I use common sense that what I can do for solving this problem what I am involved to without the emotional waves of fear, guilt, remorse within as I am realizing that I face consequences for what I've done or what I haven't done within the past and only within this specific moment I can change, I can make a difference.

When and as I fear from engaging into a relationship because of not being stable for doing so - I realize I can change, I can walk equal and one agreement with myself and by living that and expressing towards others - I can stop participate within patterns what with I abuse others or myself - so then I use writing, I use common sense and I use self-correction and self-commitment and scripting to specifically PREVENT shit to happen.

When and as I fear from losing myself and not keeping my word and not acting according to what I say - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as the words I speak - and if I said something what I do not see as the best for all participants then I do not fear from 'I have to do it because I've said so' - because that is of energy and by energy I am manipulating and enforcing myself - so then I make decisions what I can live and walk without energy, without conditioned, contextual thoughts, feelings emotions reactions and by those energetic movements charging specific personalities within and by that acting according to words I react to - instead of I stand here, I simplify myself here, I breathe, I stick to the principles of absolute self-honesty, presence, writing, self-correction, self-forgiveness and only engaging into agreements if fear comes from a particular topic to participate within such as sexual-relationship.

When and as I fear from rebound with my someone who I've had relationship, I stop, I breathe - I realize I fear from facing the manifested consequence, and I fear from not getting what I've defined getting by that particular relationship, and then I use common sense and I see what is the best for me and for all participants and if wanting to engage, I make sure that the basic, default things are clear and we agree on specific words what by we live and be together and if that does not happen, I do not expect, I do not react, I do not hope, but I do not engage to make sure that I prevent any emotional shit to happen.

When and as I start to follow thoughts within and then another thought, I stop, I breathe, I realize I am within fear - I do not see it through so then using systems to think instead of myself being fully aware of the situation to act within one singular breath the best for all participants - so then I realize I have already formed relationships within parts of the manifested system I face - and then I naturally disengage and let go all the relationships I hold onto within and as myself such as thoughts, feelings and emotions towards things outside of me.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment with someone, even with my partner, I realize I do not need to fear, I can be myself and still I can remain self-directive without the fear of losing myself within fear or desire - and when I would do so - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself and stick to the self-agreement within such as daily writing and keeping my words and take responsibility for what I do and say as equal as one.

When and as I fear from being judged by anyone because of the way I've decided to live my life - I stop reacting with fear and wanting to have more and more reason and clues for what I am able to decide so - I stop - I am self-decision, self-will, self-direction and I trust myself even if all the humanity would judge me as bullshit - if I see that it is clear and self-honest within me - I remain stable, calm, directive and walk my breath one step at a time and every time I become unsure, I stop for a moment, I let everything go within and when I am inner silent again, I walk again.

When and as I fear from being myself, and fear from being extremely expressive, I stop, I breathe, I realize I've been holding myself back in my entire life so I must give the moments to myself to let go and let everything out without the fear of being judged and the fear of harming others - so within moments of anxiety and frustration I realize I can be myself naturally without any reason and energy - I am simply here I am myself as breath, I am expression, I am flesh, I am life.

When and as I fear from enjoying the moment because of having a particular memory about 'when the last time I had this, that shit happened' - I stop, I let it go, I realize this moment is this moment, that moment was that moment - yet I use common sense, so I do not try to not see what is obvious, and I trust myself within that and I trust myself within the moment even if it means that making an apparently judge-able mistake for a couple of times - I rather trust myself within moment than making an other rule within myself based on fear and context and memory.

When and as I suppress emotions I stop and I realize it is because I fear from expressing myself and I fear from being responsible for the reason I am generating the emotions - by other or by myself - so within the suppression - I realize I am suppressing myself and systematizing myself and later on myself as moment will not be expressed but the systematized self-definitions will take over and try to equate the systematizing act of self-suppression through thoughts, emotions, feelings and energies what is certainly not life, so I do not suppress myself, rather seeing the core of self-suppression and the reason for not allowing myself to trust myself in the expression as myself - and then investigating that as myself and see what would be the best outcome for myself and for all participants within common sense.

When and as I feel that I am having good feelings, I realize I am energizing myself regarding to self-judgments and definitions, and by that I am not directly in and as the moment but of self-definitions, of self-fear, of being obsessed with one part of the reality, the polarity what I've defined that I am made for feeling myself good and never questioning that within what feels good is based on how I've allowed myself or did myself to program myself based on my interest - and that I can stop, I can transform into direct self-expression wherein I can experience self-enjoyment without the judgments of feeling good.

When and as I feel bad, I realize I am generating inner reactions what I've defined as negative and then I have the tendency to want to generate and participate within things what I've defined as positive and by that wanting to equate and balance and overcome the negative within and as my mind what is entirely not real, and by that I do not directly face the reality what I react to as 'negative' but I just want to make myself to feel good and never considering to changing myself and solving to stop the thing what is happening as being defined as 'negative' or even it is really negative or it is just opposed my currently self-defined self-interest.

When and as I use blame for someone who is apparently suffering from me because she(or he) did not take my words seriously, I realize it is not about words, it is about the physical actions I do and the consideration of what is already here yet not being defined by what is here.

When and as I fear from others blaming me - I realize I fear from responsibility - because if the blame is real so that I am responsible - it is not blame, but assisting and supporting me to realize my responsibility - and if it is just blame for what I am not responsible - then there is nothing to fear from because it is not my issue, but the other is facing the mind as manifested self and then I can remain clear, calm, here.

When and as someone is saying to me that I am responsible - I use common sense and realize that it is not about automatically believe and react but it is about reality and common sense - so then if I am present as clear inside and breathing - I can see that am I responsible, can I directly solve that? And if so then I take full responsibility and I commit myself to do whatever it takes to solve it to stop my relationship within myself with the self-judgments of regret and shame and fear from being responsible yet not doing anything and realizing that I can actually do something.

When and as I see that someone is stating that I am responsible for something what I have done or not done - and I see that I can not solve it, the manifested consequence is here, regardless of what I do or not - I do not regret, I do not go into emotional waves of shame - but I transform that realization into self-direction of direct and practical awareness that I am making sure that I take responsibility to PREVENT that to happen again and I do not fear from making the same mistake again but I prepare myself within writing, within scripting and self-forgiveness.

When and as I fear from going into a relationship with someone with no agreement - I realize it is because of desires drive me, because of fear drive me, because of shame drive me - and I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with the principles - and if I fear from going into an agreement with someone - because it might not work - then I stop myself fearing by realizing what I fear to lose or what I fear to manifest and how actually I can be responsible and how actually I can make a difference and how I can talk and discuss with that with the person I want to - and if not possible to direct that into direct communication, then I'd just skip that and realize - I must make myself clearly expressed that I only go into agreement, if everything is clear and agreed and kept - otherwise it will not stand the time.

When and as I fear from going into an agreement - I realize that first things first - I walk through Desteni I Process Agreement Course and by that I form a Self-agreement and then when I can walk that - I can explore expanding that with someone else - but until that - I stick to the basics, and I stick to the course and common sense and I explore how I can walk self-agreement and what I do require to agree with myself in order to remain effective within society and expand myself within equality and oneness without the fear of 'too much' and 'not enough'.

When and as I fear from going into agreement before I am ready for that - I realize I can still be within a sexual relationship by agreeing on specific things what both can agree on - and if I am unstable because of this not being effective - then I might re-align myself and communicate with the other to solve it - or I might consider to stop the relationship because inner quietness and effective self-honest walk of the mind within self-honesty is the priority - and it is not about exploding shit within ourselves all the time to 'try to expose and stop all the self-dishonesties at the same time' because then the reactions will wash my presence away and consistency can not be stabilized what is not common sense.

When and as I consider to walk with someone who is not Destonian - not using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-writing, self-commitment, self-correction within common sense - that is a decision what I can respect - and by that I can respect myself and the other as equal as one and realizing it is not about bullying the other to be the way I want to be - but seeing my mind and stopping my mind - and if the walk with the non-destonian is making me constantly falling and trying to pick myself up again - is not effective - then I might consider to re-align myself and if even that does not work, then I must let go the other and the relationship and the need for walking with such person.

When and as I fear from walking with a non-destoninan a relationship/agreement - I realize I fear from facing myself within the very system I am exposed to and fearing from not being able to stand within the same manifestation of the system within small - within what I've always existed to and not realizing that there is a desire to be influenced by destonians when I am not walking the destonian walk such as stick to self-forgiveness, self-honesty, writing, sharing unconditionally and by those moments wanting to be conditioned to re-gain and reinforce my stability within using the tools by forces outside of me and not realizing that I can do that to myself directly without the external influences.

When and as I judge myself that I am not 'progressing' within self-direction and self-honesty and the process of stopping the mind and wanting to boost it, wanting to 'progress faster' - I realize that it is because I am not consistently using the tools as myself as self-honesty, self-forgiveness, writing - every day therefore my judgment that I do not progress enough is meaning that I am not walking within consistency by not doing the tools every day unconditionally - and by judging that - wanting to solve it without actually writing every day - so then I re-align myself with what I decided to do so and progress effectively - every day.

When and as I judge myself that 'today I've written my Agreement Course assignment, so then I've already done my 'self-honest-walk' part, I do not need to deal with the issues today I am facing' - I realize it is diversion - and in fact fear - fear from not being able to have enough time - not specifically to something but just being able to 'judge myself to have an abstract enough time' because when I've defined myself not having enough time' in fact I am not disciplined to use time effectively therefore judging myself and not actually changing myself.

When and as I see a point within myself as issue - I write it to my blog and I walk through it - and not fearing from 'it will be too long to walk through so I'd just skip it' - then I compress it, I do not scratch around it but directly facing and directly writing about the self-dishonesty, the core - and even with some sentences I can assist and support myself to transform myself day by day.

When and as I judge myself that other destonians wrote dozens of pages every day and I want the same - I realize it is not about the quantity, it is not about others, it is about myself and about assisting and supporting myself within consistency and if I am being frustrated by not being able to be consistent - I realize it is because at days I am skipping writing - and if I have an issue about it, then I should write about 'having an issue why not writing every day' specifically by realizing - I can use the tools to anything within myself what I am not equal and one as life within.

[JTL 14] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 2

So experiencing myself intensified physically and mentally and judging it as 'falling into the endless universe aimlessly'.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself by reacting to thought and reacting to thought with an other thought by a reason and motivation what I am not aware of in the moment of 'thinking'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my mind and defining my body only as a container for my mind and when experiencing fear, not realizing that in fact I experience fear when I experience it physically as a result of participation of not wanting to face, not wanting to face consequence, not wanting to face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my breath here where I actually am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I fear I am falling out from myself and losing myself and aimlessly falling into the universe endlessly lost in oblivion instead of stopping and breathing here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself physically here all the time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'I have' or 'I had' enormous fear instead of investigating what I experience and realize the fear is self-rejection here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from night when I experienced the falling out from my human physical body perception and fearing from falling out from my body and thinking this fear as real, thinking that I must FIGHT this perception within me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I do not have stability point and not realizing that if I disregard physical self here - in fact I am responsible for not 'having' the stability point here and then reacting with fear towards 'not having stability point here' - instead of letting go this self-definition and realizing that I am here within and as human physical body breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am falling, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability point and constantly feeling - as defining myself as 'I am feeling myself whatever I want as valid' - instead of realizing that fearing from facing me here always is always equal and one with and as myself until I stop and I let go and I breathe naturally here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from falling into endless oblivion of existence/universe and not realizing that if I consider my human physical body here, it is constantly here physically and never stopping expressing, as breathing, as processing the food, processing the senses etc and if I disregard this physical stability here within and as breathing - I am in fact responsible for having the perception and the apparent experience of 'falling' and 'oblivion'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a stability point within thoughts, feelings and emotions as self-definition instead of realizing that these are the reflection of my self-fear here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'FIGHT' as apparently within fighting I have a chance to win over myself and not realizing that in fact I split within and battling the polarities and the energies and wanting to fight myself with energy through exerting and suppressing thoughts, feelings, emotions and within the reaction towards suppressing/exerting - defining myself regarding to these energetic movements what I've taken refugee within and therefore experiencing myself as all ever changing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the physical fear, experiencing physical shock, a severe trauma as having this overwhelming physical experience of fear and within accepting it and wanting to fight it - validating as it were real and then validating my apparent 'FIGHT' against myself and not realizing that it is all self-made, and as long as I participate - I will fight and I will loose and I will win and never existing harmony and equality within and as myself here physically, as reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as energy-generation towards my already self-accepted energetic experiences and wanting to win the battle of numbers, as apparently if having a certain 'intensity' of energy, then wanting to generate at least the same perceived amount of energy within to 'equalize', 'balance out', 'polarize'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing what is going on, to fear from not knowing who I am, why I am here, what will happen, how to stop energy within me what felt nasty, dirty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as energetic being and experiencing myself as nasty within the intensity of fear and never questioning that in fact I am creating this within and as me through participation within thoughts, feelings and emotions, regardless of the topic, the starting point and the pictures - all thoughts, feelings, emotions are the reflection of self-conflict and wanting to dominate conflict within me with the starting point of fear is not really who I am so I stop, I breathe, I let all go I re-align myself with and as physical as my body as breathing, as self-expression here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define hearing my heart pounding as avoidable because I've defined it as 'making me mad from it's constancy' and defining myself as self-created-occupations to avoid to experience myself here as presence within the excuse of 'being mad of hearing my heart'.
I forgive myself that I have accepetd and allowed myself to define myself according to my memory, and defining myself as the memory and then when not knowing what is happening, using this memory to define me, to tell me who I am and what to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing existence and universe here within and as myself and fearing from infinity all ways here as self as life as all as equal as one.

to be continued.
Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL day 13] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 1

Exposing any fear-related reaction within and as me at this moment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is the consequence of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that I do not fear with recklessness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote myself as unafraid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others realizing that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think that if I suppress fear, others will not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept fear within me - I am responsible for manifesting what I accepted myself within the relationship of fearing from experiencing what I've defined as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I do not fear at all, never.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote fear by accepting and allowing myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably learn fear from parents and teachers and not realizing the how and why.
I forgive myself that I have never dared to question my fears regarding to death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear when someone tells me that I am in fear because then I might do something wrong but unless I am not aware of my fear, I do not have to deal with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop methods to suppress and hide fear within and as me to not needing to face it as myself as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any thoughts I participate within is a sign of fear within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience superiority when noticing someone is acting according to fear and experience inferiority when I am experiencing fear and apparently others around me not experiencing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as fuel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as motivation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I participate within fear - I am responsible for the consequences of such starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself in order to divert my attention from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the best way to stop fear is to sleep one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act towards fear because of the starting point of fearing from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed within fear and experiencing being humiliated by others because of being exposed within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the word fear within the belief that then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the words as 'I fear' and 'I fear of ...' and 'I fear from ...' because within the belief/self-definition of if I do not say I fear then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at somebody who I perceive as acting according to fear.
I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that I fear from death, not because of the experience but because all the wants I've defined myself that I must do before death I have not done therefore fearing from not fulfilling my desires and future projections and not realizing that this extent of fear from myself is proving to me that I can not build anything consistent within the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that suppressing and absorbing fear is NOT a solution but self-harm.

Okay this was just an introductory to the word fear.

When I was kid for a while in my conscious mind - I had enormous fear - the most prominent was when night came and I was in my room, in my bed, I felt like something is throbbing within me and I felt and heard my heart pounding and I had no stability point but constantly feeling that I am falling, I am falling apart, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability and nothing really remains within me and within that fear I had the impression that I am falling into the endless oblivion of existence/universe.
It was strange experience but I had FIGHTS many-many nights to stop this experience, to stop this being lost feeling, this apparently huge, enormous, intoxicating physical experience of fear, almost like a shock, a severe trauma that I do not know what is going on, I do not know why I am in this family wherein I am, I do not know who I am, I do not know what to do, I do not know what I experience, I do not know what will happen, I do not know how to stop this nasty, energetic experience within me.
My senses were sending constant nonsense, like with my tongue I touched one of my teeth and I've felt my tooth ENORMOUS, HUGE, I've felt that my gums and my tooth are like planet-sized and I am being pushed towards these GIGANTIC forces me like a rag-doll based on laws of such physix what I do not understand, can not predict, unable to stop, not possible to fight over.

And hearing my heart pounding LOUD, feeling the pressure in my veins after each heart-pulsing, hearing it within my ear made me really mad after a while - I had such an unexplainable physical and mind fear that I felt absolutely powerless and I just wanted to end this and I just could not.
It was a part of my childhood, I remember our house in the village, I remember our room with my sister, I remember the pine trees making the crazy sound by the wind at nights and that made me really haunted and I was after some sort of quiet, peace, calm and self-presence but I did not understand this, I was just reacting to my fear.

In fact I've written about this already here in my blog some years ago when I started Desteni Process, but the Self-correction for this I never walked - so I start here and I will continue on walking Self-forgiveness and self-correction on my childhood's fear experiences.

Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL] Day 3: Letting go ex-partner

After 2 months of hand recovery, I am here writing.

The 7 years of Journey To Life

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Check out the Agreement Course to prepare ourselves to walk as Equals as Life.


We ended our agreement to walk together quite some times ago and I am walking through the inner reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become nervous when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define speaking with ex-partner as frustrating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize why I do become nervous and frustrated and angry when I meet and speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience inner reaction storm within me around my solar plexus when I speak with ex-partner even through phone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame ex-partner for the experiences what I have.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself powerless regarding to becoming nervous, frustrated, anxious and angry when I speak with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because I decided to remain with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I would remain with ex-partner, I will be always nervous and frustrated and anxious and angry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disappointed when I think about ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fallen and as a failure when I think of ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my attraction towards ex-partner because it is directing me instead of realizing that by small steps I've designed and manifested myself as who I am right here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself inferior in relation to my attraction towards ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is directing me specifically to still strive after ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and think that I have failed the agreement with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and mentally punish myself for what I have done with ex-partner what she stated as I did with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences what I caused with ex-partner and even not being specifically aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself to avoid conflict with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as I am who want to be with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that she is like me five years ago.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being left by ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear of being with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself in terms of what I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest regarding to ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I lose myself as presence as direction as principle when I am with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being true and real what ex-partner thinks an says about me because then I would judge myself as really a bastard.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from screwing ex-partner's mind I did.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the starting point of my relationship with ex-partner was sexual desire.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself in terms of seeing within me as me what I do really need and what I do really not need regarding to partner to walk with.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself into a condition wherein I perceive myself as somebody who need and require an other to face myself, to remain stable, constant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest with myself in terms of sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being possessed by sex demon by wanting to do sex based on my self-interest to satisfy my desire and to let go compounded energetic and emotional chargups within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest reaction systems within and as my human physical body as organic robot regarding to how I express myself with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed when ex-partner is saying how she is experiencing me humiliating her.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what is humiliation in fact.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what with and how and WHY I act like ex-partner is experiencing herself being humiliated by me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being humiliated by ex-partner by her saying to me not doing sex with other meanwhile in fact doing sex with other because she asked to agree not to do so and as I saw this point important for my agreement, then by how the other is keeping it defined also myself as somebody I can not trust while saying I can.?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that ex-partner would cheat on me so then I would have to experience humiliation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that everything will be just great and cool with ex-partner and one day we would work team as walking together this lifetime supporting self and each other as equal and one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that it would work with ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would feel herself better.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would realize all the things what I already realized and seeing herself not being realized.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would find an other guy who is much greater than me for her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that ex-partner would one day realize that what I do and participate within is really the key to Self-freedom.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help ex-partner instead of realizing that she can only help herself regarding to walking the mind to Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous to ex-partner because she is meeting with many guys who are attempting to 'get' her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel jealous when I have spare time and I want to spend with her while she do not want to meet me and she is having fun with her friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe that ex-partner should spend most of her spare time with me instead of her poet friends.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be demanding with ex-partner regarding to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically manifest the system within me regarding to ex-partner and automatically reacting within the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go ex-partner because then I would fear of she would do something stupid or she would being chewed up by the system wherein she is really unstable and not really being supported - instead of realizing that I tried to give her support by arranging chats with the Portal to assist and support her to walk through the points what are making her petrified by fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to save ex-partner from delusions instead of realizing that I can only save my own ass from my own delusions and it is the Self-responsibility what each of us must face individually.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be disappointed within ex-partner because she is not realizing Self-forgiveness is the most effective tool for and as Self to change by letting go fear and self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would not really want to be with me but she would being addicted to the sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing a woman because then she would become addicted to the sex with me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear from women would become addicted to me sexually is really about myself having the tendency to become addicted to sex and to do sex with one person specifically, in this case ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner coming because we would then argue and shout and say evil things what we then would regret.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my physical presence while acting out the reactions towards ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I am not aware of my palms, my chest, my breath, my physical body, my presence, my principle as Life and then to STOP for a moment and let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am being directed by my emotions and then to stop and breathe and let go and forgive everything what I CONtain as inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being rejected by ex-partner for what I have done or for what I have not done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to do not know what to do in terms of the current situation with ex-partner instead of seeing what is physically here and using common sense and decide within the principle of 'What is best for all?'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to ex-partner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the external context I am within.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in which character I am being possessed by and for the experience to not face reality as myself as equal as one in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within expectation actually I became disappointed because my expectation we did not agree on to do or I did not speak through or not even mention to ex-partner or - I mentioned and she said that I should not expect anything from her meanwhile thinking that it is not fair because she is obviously expecing a lot of things from me by default and when I am asking to clarify to be aware of it to transform this separation into common self-support then she would just state that she is not expecting anything from me and then I would start to be angry at myself and as I am becoming anxious she would feel that and by that she would become also anxious and start saying how much she is actually disappointed in me and saying the things what felt really horrible for her and then I would actually become more angry because then I would think she is not aware what is she speaking as she is saying she do not expect while being disappointed for points and then I would think that I am screwed and fubar and just wanting to remain quiet and suppressive or wanting to or actually doing 'runaway'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that if I do sex with ex-partner that is assisting her to let go all emotional self-compromise and then wanting to do sex with her and when she would reject me then I would say that I just wanted to do so because of assisting her - and then I'd admit that I wanted to have sex with her because of desire, because of wanting to release my suppressed emotional chargups.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would do sex with ex-partner in every second day then we would be able to be calm and tender and kind and supportive with each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner having sex with the poets what she meets quite often, not because she would want to do so but because they would want so and they can influence and even direct her when she is not directing herself within presence here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner now is coming to me and what will happen as if I am not present for a moment then I would say something what she feels really like humiliating and then she would start to be distressed and then I would become angry at myself and she would think that I am angry at her and then she would distress much more and then I would become more and more angry at myself so then each of my words would come out with anger and slowly but surely I would focus to my inner reactions instead of breathing physical here no matther what I experience inside.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in this moment ex-partner has fears to face me from experiencing all the shit what she is experiencing within herself towards me, according to, regarding to me because how we have formed ourselves what we have accepted ourselves to become as we exist today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge my mistakes what I did at the beginning of our agreement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from ex-partner would physically hurt herself if I would let her go.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when ex-partner told me that she wants to die and she wants to hurt herself because I felt like I do not know what to do.

I walk Self-Agreement, I am not walking together with ex-partner.

I walk as physical, I walk as inner silence, I walk as breath, I walk as Principle as Life.
I sit, I breathe, I type as breathe, I let go of the energetic reactions what are the past what is gone.

When and as I meet with ex-partner, I remain here, I remain aware of my body, I remain aware of my palms, I remain aware of my chest, I remain aware of the physical process of my breathing, I remain aware of my inner reactions while being pulled into.
I remain here as breath, and if I experience inner reactions such as emotions as anger, desire or fear or any thinking what I follow - I immediately slow down, STOP and breathe, and let go everything what is not here as physical as myself.
When and as I talk with ex-partner, I realize that within the past I had the tendency to go into inner reactions according to Self-accepted self-dishonesties, so when we face - I slow down, I breathe.

When and as I face ex-partner on chat, on phone or in physical - I remain calm, open, clear.

When and as I meet ex-partner I remain calm, kind and tender with ex-partner regardless of anything without going into participate within thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I experience inner reaction, such as thoughts pointed at or about ex-partner; or having any kind of mood/feeling/emotional waving, I realize I am participating within self-definitions automatically and I slow down, I breathe, I let go everything what is not physically here.

When and as I face ex-partner, I remain inner silent, I remain aware of my palms physically as the blood is throbbing within it as it is pricking as I relax it and I remain aware of my arms, my chest, my breath, my nose as the air going in and out, my lungs, my muscles within my chest, my stomach.

When and as I am "in the context of" ex-partner - I am breathing here unwavering, if I see that I am being flooded by inner reactions, I slow down, I let go, I act, I forgive myself unconditionally.

[JTL] Day 1: Human relationships

Please note that my posts starting with [JTL] means I am sharing my The process of 7 years as Journey To Life 

 It is time to level with my Self-dishonesties regarding to 'relationship' especially with 'woman'.
I have a tendency to be influenced when I am among with people especially women - especially with the ones who I have a judgment as 'attractive'. Let's walk!


 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the relationships I participate within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
 I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that by allowing myself to be compromised while I am with others - in fact I am Self-dishonest because I allow myself to be influenced by others regarding to my own judgments regarding to them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I give into the temptation of the mind by wanting to redefine my situation according to my past, in fact I am perceiving my current reality according to how I was in the past connected to dishonesties therefore still experiencing the moment by the mind influenced as my past right here as I still accept myself as Self-dishonest about it until I practically CHANGE.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am with others I have the tendency to compromise myself according to my inner definitions, assumptions, judgments having regarding to them and to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I try to mould myself to the other who I am with momentary, then who I am as expression is being conditional, who I really am then is this relationship-condition what I allow myself to manifest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I still give into the templation to simply be nice with people by the paradigm: "I allow and let you remain in your Self-dishonesty, but then please allow me to remain within my Self-dishonesty.".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to do what others say to me simply because meanwhile I think 'by this I am good now' or thinking by logic about why it is good for me and then persuading myself for what I do it, what by myself I would not really do but for other's appretiation: simply yes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in the forest of consciousness relationship connections such as associations, memories of peaked experiences, by wanting to find, define, create myself according to these relationships instead of realizing that consciousness is very limited, programmable and conditional; and to trust mind as consciousness instead of trusting myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my definitions of others, according to my definitions to women, according to my definition of 'good'/'cool'/'great' and by that definition I am of my own Self-dishonesties created limitations.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was avoiding to face this point, as "human relationships" within me directly by constantly occupying myself with issues arised by the very same thing, my preoccupied, predefined, preprogrammed inner reaction system what I've defined as trustworthy instead of realizing that this part of me can not be trusted at all, let's stick to the physical as body, as breath, as presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the women I am with or I do meet according to my own definitions of 'women in the world' and in relation to 'these invidivual women around me' by participating within energetic polarities based on positive and negative such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to even acknowledge that it is noticable that I lose my Self-direction when I am with others, especially with certain 'categories' I put them within my head, and especially with certain individuals, for instance my partner, for instance those who call me friend.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity and the urgent need for equalize human relationships within and as me by letting go of polarities, judgments, desires, fears - ALL one by one right here writing out on the blog as my Self-movement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight against my desire - I am already of it so it is better to stop and see into me what I react inside and what for and by understanding how I created myself in a way what is certainly not the best for me and all - I can have a practical knowledge about myself regarding how to stop the Self-dishonesties within me what I experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a tendency to convince myself about things how to be done even when I never had experience in it and by forcing to do so I am manifesting my preoccupied perceptions into physical what when I experience, I realize it is not what I exactly wanted.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I try to hide from people what I really want and by just playing the 'nice guy' meanwhile seeking for opportunities to let happen what I really want meanwhile showing a role, a personality, a mask about who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not directing myself and my reality within absolute specificity - it is never what I want, it is always disappointing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself by expecting something meanwhile not doing everything for it to happen, what in fact I can - but allowing a some sort of hope or gambling in the equation what has the chance to reflect back my self-stopping and not being able to direct within princple.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what I really want from women and not even telling them directly and then suppressing my reactions what are about when I face I do not get what I expected.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that from women what I really want and tell them, especially my partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I expect from my partner she might even know it at all and when we both expect without direct communication, we will be disappointed, frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I play polite and kind I can get everything what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly from who and when I am allowing myself to be influenced, only when somebody tells me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to fear from expressing myself who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the personalities, characters I've created within and as myself are for dealing the fear within what can be written out, understand, forgive, let go and explore what is beyond systematic behaviour towards fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by the very starting point of fear from expressing who I am or who I perceive myself to be - I am stopping myself because I judge myself according to a 'conclusion' as 'fear' what I did in the past and it is long gone yet I still act 'within fear'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am being attracted towards something or somebody - I am manifested by my own self-created definition according to the subject of my attraction and my judgments about it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to play roles, personalities, characters when I am among others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if somebody has his/her own self-judgments what he/she projects towards me - it is not my issue - but it is what I react to that.

I commit myself to face my entire mind as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as consequence as the physical.
I commit myself to stop my entire inner reaction system such as thoughts, feelings, emotions to remain always here, directive, present, constant, consistent and unwavering.
I commit myself to expose the human how it is being influenced, controlled, directed by the mind consciousness system, how we brought ourselves into this situation and how to stop it practically.
I commit myself to explore, write down, share, forgive and stop all personalities within me what is still busy acting out as me automatically when I am with others, especially who I've defined as attractive.
I commit myself to use the tools provided by Desteni such as Writing, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, sharing, the courses(DIP, AGREEMENT course) to support and assist myself and my reality to stop the self-abuse and explore what means to LIVE.
I commit myself to daily writings to have a consistent self-support part within my life wherein I can deal with points within me what are bugging me, what I see as Self-dishonesty and by writing out, forgiving myself, correcting myself and sharing myself I become these tools as myself without any definition or condition.
I commit myself to be very specific within my daily writing sessions about even expressing it daily if I am in a situation what I could define as 'important' by realizing the commitment I make even if it means that I have to face that others would react to this as 'bad'.
I commit myself to not convince myself with extreme polarities and theoretical and ethical conclusions what spare common sense and the practical physical reality.
I commit myself to sort out my issue of judging emotions as bad and suppressing them until these energetically charge and take over within and as me to show equally and one what I have accepted and allowed within myself to manifest.
I commit myself to remain constant, stable, unmoving day by day while I am alone and while I am with others regardless of anything. I move me undefined, I trust me undoubted, I direct myself as physical.
I commit myself to be direct and simple regarding to women about what I want and what I do not want and not allowing myself to compromise my Process of letting go of the mind.
I commit myself to immediately realize when I am compromising myself regarding to the ones who I define as attractive and start to react to my own definitions existing within me and then immediately be physical breath and STOP.