[JTL Day 185] Self-forgiveness: Time, Agreement, Practicality

So, I see how I was busy on focusing on stopping myself and remembering to stop myself when I get busy in the mind and recently facing the fact that I was preparing myself to change from quite some time and I am really stopping I start to realize, actual change, re-creation I do not yet practically walk within my writings, and thus in real time-space thus I start to expand on this practicality with Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energies in regards to points what I was not sure - thus not directing myself accordingly, within specificity, but being moved by reactions, being reacted by definitions, being stopped by fear instead of standing up to each and every single points and in the moment let go the fear, see the information holding onto and forgive, let go, and commit and act the change directly and then going to the next point to sort that out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed about the defined quantity of points I am not directing myself within towards and then defining it will take time, it will go slowly and thus not stopping each in each moment because defining something as more important by myself instead of sorting these points out first.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-defined priority wanting to focus to things what are not as important as self-dishonesties to correct immediately within the fear of it would take too much time and thus accepting those for long time influencing me instead of taking the time, whatever it takes and sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from re-aligning within self-honesty about a point would take too much time, and currently being busy and defined myself to want to do things thus not sorting out the points and allowing multiple points of self-dishonesties manifest within me to the point of losing presence, but popping attention from one self-accepted point to an other without walking and forgiving and correcting any within the fear of not having enouth time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my calmness as who I am and wanting to keep that instead of facing points within me because defined this calmness as good and preferable instead of being faced with points what I react to and by that reaction in fact accumulating the losing of this calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fearing from losing calmness and fearing to face points what coming up within me because of defining nervousness and frustration as avoidable and never considering the common sense of sorting out these points as emerge instead of allowing them to remain within and as my beingness and accumulate to the point of losing presence, calmness, just as I've defined myself in the relationship of fear of loss of calmness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to determine and define my state of mind instead of not focusing attention to my mind only to the point of seeing what I am doing within it to correct and thus be comfortable to remain stable when facing my mind because of the direction with what I use it to sort out the relationships what are self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having time as more important than sorting out self-accepted self-manifested self-dishonesty within my behavior and using as a justification to not need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to how I feel and disregard what is here, what I speak with somebody when I have the feelings/emotions and then use the feelings to influence, shape my perception and reaction towarsd the another person, even to the degree of not hearing the other here, not hearing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of agreeing in something with my partner what I would only do for her not feeling bad and only when already seeing her feeling bad, reacting bad, sad, nervous, frustrated, off-present and then defining that as something what makes me feel nervous, frustrated, off-present-sad and to stop my feelings agreeing with her just to stop my and then her frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not specifically, directly, clinically seeing the points what we try to agree about - and using common sense and the equality and oneness and the principle of giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to have come to an agreement with the points with my partner, with anyone because that would bring up the points I am not yet principled and fear from conflict not being able to resolve, fear from facing who I really am accepting myself about that point and fear from letting go the self-dishonesty I accept within myself about that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go a point of self-dishonesty within me by agreeing within principled living to a degree of not even seeing that point, not even being aware of that point, just the automated resistances, reactions to face/change it and only care and focus to that reaction and thus being overwhelmed with the accepted/triggered frustration/uncomfortability and just wanting to stop that.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go all what I see/experience/feel in and as my mind by establishing an agreement with someone and having projectons/blames/worries about the agreement as an extra point coming up, in fact unrelated to that point but another worry coming up and not being able to remain focused to that specific, firstly chosen point to agree on how to stop the dishonesties about in practiaclity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump around the same worry/concerning points about establishing an agreement by -when hearing or facing the practical point of agreement -, always feeling all the worries I am accepting about all the points without actually seeing those, without actually being aware what exactly I do within fighting for my limitation to be able to exactly see what I need to stop and figure out how.

I commit myself to not just write self-forgiveness on deciding to use the tools within writing, but actually in writing to prepare what I am going to do - scripting up the solution literally before facing it - thus continue with my decision and the common sense within actual time-space to support me and others in my reality.

I commit myself to STOP the worry on agreeing on something what I am not absolutely sure about it and realizing what I agree with someone does not have to be 'eternal' - just for a while until our agreement stands - and I commit myself to worry of letting 'backdoor' within my commitment about when I would feel uncomfortable by giving into the temptation of wanting exit and realizing it is about self-honesty and practically live self-support for all participants, not roman law and I can even enjoy it to actually pushing my limits and keeping and living my words.

So within these 'opening up'-s it is quite obvious that I still am holding onto energetic reactions to specific words, such as 'eternal', 'time', 'calmness', aaaaaaand: 'agreement'.

I shall and thus will be continuing to purify myself from judgments/polarities/emotions/feelings/memories in regards to these words to explore Self-honest, practical living living as these words.

[JTL] Day 1: Human relationships

Please note that my posts starting with [JTL] means I am sharing my The process of 7 years as Journey To Life 

 It is time to level with my Self-dishonesties regarding to 'relationship' especially with 'woman'.
I have a tendency to be influenced when I am among with people especially women - especially with the ones who I have a judgment as 'attractive'. Let's walk!


 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the relationships I participate within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
 I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that by allowing myself to be compromised while I am with others - in fact I am Self-dishonest because I allow myself to be influenced by others regarding to my own judgments regarding to them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I give into the temptation of the mind by wanting to redefine my situation according to my past, in fact I am perceiving my current reality according to how I was in the past connected to dishonesties therefore still experiencing the moment by the mind influenced as my past right here as I still accept myself as Self-dishonest about it until I practically CHANGE.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am with others I have the tendency to compromise myself according to my inner definitions, assumptions, judgments having regarding to them and to myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I try to mould myself to the other who I am with momentary, then who I am as expression is being conditional, who I really am then is this relationship-condition what I allow myself to manifest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I still give into the templation to simply be nice with people by the paradigm: "I allow and let you remain in your Self-dishonesty, but then please allow me to remain within my Self-dishonesty.".
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to do what others say to me simply because meanwhile I think 'by this I am good now' or thinking by logic about why it is good for me and then persuading myself for what I do it, what by myself I would not really do but for other's appretiation: simply yes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lost in the forest of consciousness relationship connections such as associations, memories of peaked experiences, by wanting to find, define, create myself according to these relationships instead of realizing that consciousness is very limited, programmable and conditional; and to trust mind as consciousness instead of trusting myself here unconditionally.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to my definitions of others, according to my definitions to women, according to my definition of 'good'/'cool'/'great' and by that definition I am of my own Self-dishonesties created limitations.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was avoiding to face this point, as "human relationships" within me directly by constantly occupying myself with issues arised by the very same thing, my preoccupied, predefined, preprogrammed inner reaction system what I've defined as trustworthy instead of realizing that this part of me can not be trusted at all, let's stick to the physical as body, as breath, as presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the women I am with or I do meet according to my own definitions of 'women in the world' and in relation to 'these invidivual women around me' by participating within energetic polarities based on positive and negative such as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to even acknowledge that it is noticable that I lose my Self-direction when I am with others, especially with certain 'categories' I put them within my head, and especially with certain individuals, for instance my partner, for instance those who call me friend.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity and the urgent need for equalize human relationships within and as me by letting go of polarities, judgments, desires, fears - ALL one by one right here writing out on the blog as my Self-movement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I fight against my desire - I am already of it so it is better to stop and see into me what I react inside and what for and by understanding how I created myself in a way what is certainly not the best for me and all - I can have a practical knowledge about myself regarding how to stop the Self-dishonesties within me what I experience.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have a tendency to convince myself about things how to be done even when I never had experience in it and by forcing to do so I am manifesting my preoccupied perceptions into physical what when I experience, I realize it is not what I exactly wanted.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I try to hide from people what I really want and by just playing the 'nice guy' meanwhile seeking for opportunities to let happen what I really want meanwhile showing a role, a personality, a mask about who I am.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am not directing myself and my reality within absolute specificity - it is never what I want, it is always disappointing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disappoint myself by expecting something meanwhile not doing everything for it to happen, what in fact I can - but allowing a some sort of hope or gambling in the equation what has the chance to reflect back my self-stopping and not being able to direct within princple.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize what I really want from women and not even telling them directly and then suppressing my reactions what are about when I face I do not get what I expected.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that from women what I really want and tell them, especially my partner.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I expect from my partner she might even know it at all and when we both expect without direct communication, we will be disappointed, frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I play polite and kind I can get everything what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize exactly from who and when I am allowing myself to be influenced, only when somebody tells me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself according to fear from expressing myself who I am in the moment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the personalities, characters I've created within and as myself are for dealing the fear within what can be written out, understand, forgive, let go and explore what is beyond systematic behaviour towards fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by the very starting point of fear from expressing who I am or who I perceive myself to be - I am stopping myself because I judge myself according to a 'conclusion' as 'fear' what I did in the past and it is long gone yet I still act 'within fear'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am being attracted towards something or somebody - I am manifested by my own self-created definition according to the subject of my attraction and my judgments about it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to play roles, personalities, characters when I am among others.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if somebody has his/her own self-judgments what he/she projects towards me - it is not my issue - but it is what I react to that.

I commit myself to face my entire mind as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become as consequence as the physical.
I commit myself to stop my entire inner reaction system such as thoughts, feelings, emotions to remain always here, directive, present, constant, consistent and unwavering.
I commit myself to expose the human how it is being influenced, controlled, directed by the mind consciousness system, how we brought ourselves into this situation and how to stop it practically.
I commit myself to explore, write down, share, forgive and stop all personalities within me what is still busy acting out as me automatically when I am with others, especially who I've defined as attractive.
I commit myself to use the tools provided by Desteni such as Writing, Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, sharing, the courses(DIP, AGREEMENT course) to support and assist myself and my reality to stop the self-abuse and explore what means to LIVE.
I commit myself to daily writings to have a consistent self-support part within my life wherein I can deal with points within me what are bugging me, what I see as Self-dishonesty and by writing out, forgiving myself, correcting myself and sharing myself I become these tools as myself without any definition or condition.
I commit myself to be very specific within my daily writing sessions about even expressing it daily if I am in a situation what I could define as 'important' by realizing the commitment I make even if it means that I have to face that others would react to this as 'bad'.
I commit myself to not convince myself with extreme polarities and theoretical and ethical conclusions what spare common sense and the practical physical reality.
I commit myself to sort out my issue of judging emotions as bad and suppressing them until these energetically charge and take over within and as me to show equally and one what I have accepted and allowed within myself to manifest.
I commit myself to remain constant, stable, unmoving day by day while I am alone and while I am with others regardless of anything. I move me undefined, I trust me undoubted, I direct myself as physical.
I commit myself to be direct and simple regarding to women about what I want and what I do not want and not allowing myself to compromise my Process of letting go of the mind.
I commit myself to immediately realize when I am compromising myself regarding to the ones who I define as attractive and start to react to my own definitions existing within me and then immediately be physical breath and STOP.