[JTL Day 185] Self-forgiveness: Time, Agreement, Practicality

So, I see how I was busy on focusing on stopping myself and remembering to stop myself when I get busy in the mind and recently facing the fact that I was preparing myself to change from quite some time and I am really stopping I start to realize, actual change, re-creation I do not yet practically walk within my writings, and thus in real time-space thus I start to expand on this practicality with Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into energies in regards to points what I was not sure - thus not directing myself accordingly, within specificity, but being moved by reactions, being reacted by definitions, being stopped by fear instead of standing up to each and every single points and in the moment let go the fear, see the information holding onto and forgive, let go, and commit and act the change directly and then going to the next point to sort that out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed about the defined quantity of points I am not directing myself within towards and then defining it will take time, it will go slowly and thus not stopping each in each moment because defining something as more important by myself instead of sorting these points out first.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-defined priority wanting to focus to things what are not as important as self-dishonesties to correct immediately within the fear of it would take too much time and thus accepting those for long time influencing me instead of taking the time, whatever it takes and sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from re-aligning within self-honesty about a point would take too much time, and currently being busy and defined myself to want to do things thus not sorting out the points and allowing multiple points of self-dishonesties manifest within me to the point of losing presence, but popping attention from one self-accepted point to an other without walking and forgiving and correcting any within the fear of not having enouth time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my calmness as who I am and wanting to keep that instead of facing points within me because defined this calmness as good and preferable instead of being faced with points what I react to and by that reaction in fact accumulating the losing of this calmness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fearing from losing calmness and fearing to face points what coming up within me because of defining nervousness and frustration as avoidable and never considering the common sense of sorting out these points as emerge instead of allowing them to remain within and as my beingness and accumulate to the point of losing presence, calmness, just as I've defined myself in the relationship of fear of loss of calmness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to determine and define my state of mind instead of not focusing attention to my mind only to the point of seeing what I am doing within it to correct and thus be comfortable to remain stable when facing my mind because of the direction with what I use it to sort out the relationships what are self-dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define having time as more important than sorting out self-accepted self-manifested self-dishonesty within my behavior and using as a justification to not need to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to how I feel and disregard what is here, what I speak with somebody when I have the feelings/emotions and then use the feelings to influence, shape my perception and reaction towarsd the another person, even to the degree of not hearing the other here, not hearing myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry of agreeing in something with my partner what I would only do for her not feeling bad and only when already seeing her feeling bad, reacting bad, sad, nervous, frustrated, off-present and then defining that as something what makes me feel nervous, frustrated, off-present-sad and to stop my feelings agreeing with her just to stop my and then her frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not specifically, directly, clinically seeing the points what we try to agree about - and using common sense and the equality and oneness and the principle of giving what I would like to receive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to have come to an agreement with the points with my partner, with anyone because that would bring up the points I am not yet principled and fear from conflict not being able to resolve, fear from facing who I really am accepting myself about that point and fear from letting go the self-dishonesty I accept within myself about that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go a point of self-dishonesty within me by agreeing within principled living to a degree of not even seeing that point, not even being aware of that point, just the automated resistances, reactions to face/change it and only care and focus to that reaction and thus being overwhelmed with the accepted/triggered frustration/uncomfortability and just wanting to stop that.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to let go all what I see/experience/feel in and as my mind by establishing an agreement with someone and having projectons/blames/worries about the agreement as an extra point coming up, in fact unrelated to that point but another worry coming up and not being able to remain focused to that specific, firstly chosen point to agree on how to stop the dishonesties about in practiaclity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump around the same worry/concerning points about establishing an agreement by -when hearing or facing the practical point of agreement -, always feeling all the worries I am accepting about all the points without actually seeing those, without actually being aware what exactly I do within fighting for my limitation to be able to exactly see what I need to stop and figure out how.

I commit myself to not just write self-forgiveness on deciding to use the tools within writing, but actually in writing to prepare what I am going to do - scripting up the solution literally before facing it - thus continue with my decision and the common sense within actual time-space to support me and others in my reality.

I commit myself to STOP the worry on agreeing on something what I am not absolutely sure about it and realizing what I agree with someone does not have to be 'eternal' - just for a while until our agreement stands - and I commit myself to worry of letting 'backdoor' within my commitment about when I would feel uncomfortable by giving into the temptation of wanting exit and realizing it is about self-honesty and practically live self-support for all participants, not roman law and I can even enjoy it to actually pushing my limits and keeping and living my words.

So within these 'opening up'-s it is quite obvious that I still am holding onto energetic reactions to specific words, such as 'eternal', 'time', 'calmness', aaaaaaand: 'agreement'.

I shall and thus will be continuing to purify myself from judgments/polarities/emotions/feelings/memories in regards to these words to explore Self-honest, practical living living as these words.

[JTL 82] Not Physical Feeling is waste of time

Feelings took me to the other side which is not real and not best for me and not best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by feelings I balance out the experience of anxiety, fear, uncertainty, doubt and in fact fear of loss.

So this post is a continuation of the previous post on anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to taken refugee within the feelings of self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize feeling is delusion and a ride from reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that I am giving permission to feelings to influence, direct me and take me to a trip and meanwhile waiting the feeling to get off, depleted and pass by and not realizing the common sense to stop myself and stop the feeling within with self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the feeling of happiness and coolness and wanting to define myself as happy and cool and not realizing that it is of self-definition based on memory, based on a fear from not being happy and not being cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not working and being on holiday as a feeling for happiness and defining it as cool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the word and my connection, relationship to the word: holiday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define polarity within myself based on the experience of working day versus holiday meaning when I am being directed to do things for get money versus when I can direct myself whatever I want to feel good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always and only think of myself and not considering all beings as life equally here as me within oneness and equality in each moment of each breath because being constantly occupied, stimulated by feelings, what through I am destined to feel good, great, awesome, cool meanwhile disregarding others all the time who are disregarded physically, abused literally in the name of feeling good by those who have directive power though reality by money, law, political systems and not realizing that it is not to feel somehow about those but to actually change the very system within we are and with feelings I do not change reality but with direct action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling as something as good and worth living for.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined myself through and as experiencing feelings within and as my mind based on inner reactions towards memories, pictures, sounds, images, thoughts, definitions and voices within my head.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that every 'positive' thing, experience, memory, object, subject I have is part of a polarity within and as my mind being equated with a 'negative' part which through I always, constantly remain within and as mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions what create an illusion of perception of reality based on my interest, by my desire to avoid fear, mistakes, negative.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within striving towards a feeling or avoiding a specific feeling to not being defined by it - I am in fact not directing myself but allowing myself to be influenced by memory, thought which through I am allowing myself to accumulate energy what is for shifting my perception within what I am activating the feeling for the addiction towards 'positive' chemically reacting within my body and feeling energetic, excited, active and when not having this 'positive' feeling experiencing heaviness, tiredness, slowness and dullness and wanting to use the personality of who I've defined myself to be and the methods with what I can energize myself again such as sugar, arousal and entertainment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is alright to allow a feeling to enjoy and just do what it 'feels' good and disregard principle, disregard common sense and disregard what is here within the hope that this is still alright, and I deserve it and it will be over anyways when I will have to 'continue' to approach principle anyways fearing that within principled living I can not enjoy myself therefore I must ensure to reach self-defined happiness through generating feelings.

-
When and as I experience that I have a feeling what was not here before and it is not physical but a some sort of mood or an energetic state and it is not related to my body - it is an imagination wherein I have a possible future of what and how I want to experience and then I do not do directly physically but I am going into the reaction to that imagination and within the reaction I am diverted from here and actually not doing it physically but lost in the experience of feeling it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down one breath at a time meanwhile remaining empty within and measure time and space with breath in, hold, breath out, hold and meantime remain here, directive in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined imagination and reaction to it as feelings as a tool with what I am ensuring to avoid failure to actually do it.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize/see/understand that I use imagination and thinking because of fear from failure as I've defined that directly within and as physical action immediately I can not trust and not realizing that it is of a memory what shocked me, petrified me and made the threshold of feeling awkward and bullied and limited because within my imagination I was able to be flying, fast, immediate meanwhile my body was compared to it slow, uncertain and fallible, made mistakes and therefore I've defined my physical as inferior, unnecessary and uncomfortable meanwhile defining my thoughtful imagination as superior, necessary and comfortable and not realizing that the only real aspect of me is the physical and only that matters meanwhile the consciousness of imagination is in fact a tool what can be utilized for assisting and supporting me to prepare things but never instead of doing things and allowing it to direct me how to do or not do things in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to take the time to investigate all things I do, especially those what I regularly do meanwhile I allow myself to go into imagination and thinking while I am already apparently able to do the action without being directly here, directing to slow myself down within by defining to remain here, empty, within: STOPPED as waste of time by defining thinking and imagination as important and wanting to do all the time I can because within the belief that by that I will change and I will prepare myself for being who I want to be and never realizing that I've became addicted and defined by and as thoughtful imagination which is in fact a repetition and a limited inner reaction looping what with I create my future based on my past only by reacting to the same words and same word relationships again and again meanwhile not realizing that I am keeping to forget to actually do things because I am always ahead of my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/define that I must always be ahead of my body/action with my thoughts to prepare, direct myself to avoid mistakes and never actually trusting myself directly here without the thoughts, mind.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that I have programmed certain specific actions I do every day to automatically give permission to think and imagine my perceived future and not realizing that I do not actually do it but I always think of it and then reacting to it with other thoughts, feelings and then I repeat it meanwhile physically I am being directed by the reactions and automatic behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/define that by thinking I have a virtual reality within I can test what will be the outcome if I would do things physically in a certain way and not realizing that within thinking I react to myself not as reality but as I think it would happen, only based on my past, influenced by my starting point as fear, by my desire as avoid mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see/realize/understand that it is not enough to write the self-forgiveness but to say it aloud and even repeating it until I am here and clear and being equal and one with and as the words, and nothing else comes up and moves within 'automatically', meaning a reaction, a thought, an energetic movement, a vibration, a pricking, a wave, whatever is coming after saying the word - it is of and as the mind and until I do not apply self-forgiveness specifically - it will still come and then I still will be automatic and not be self-direction what means I will loop again within the thinking, not acting what will frustrate me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that it is enough to write down a certain self-forgiveness sentence in and as the moment once and then it will already have 'effect' on me and not realizing that it is not about the effect of what I do but the self-direction and the inner emptiness I DIRECT myself to be and remain by and as the understanding how and why I have fallen into the self-deceit of thinking instead of acting and knowing myself and becoming aware of when I have tendency to do so and to PREVENT happening it and breathing, acting through with inner silence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use Self-forgiveness to have energetic reaction with what I hope to charge and automatize my stopping and prevention to go into specific judgments, reactions and not realizing that it is the same and still of and as inner reaction to ensure that I do not have to actually and REALLY slow down within and take one breath at a time and actually, directly let go one by one all thoughts, imaginations, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined slowing down and do something within inner silence as frustrating because defining to be slowed down within as waste of time and defining myself as fast within and compared to outer as slow then defining myself faster within than with out and comparing it, defining my outer expression as inferior in regards to inner thinking, imagination.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is a complete delusion and belief, opinion and perception that when I am doing something physically meanwhile being empty within, that would mean that I am wasting my time and I am slowing down - because the only real thing what matters is the physical action and all else is of perception only for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware the fact that my reality is based on physical action meanwhile the thinking and imagination, remembering by re-playing memories is only a tool for dealing with information which is for I do not trust myself directly as physical flesh as substance itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use consciousness, thoughts, feelings, emotions to program my flesh of substance to be programmed to be automatically what I've defined as the best to do and not realizing that having a starting point of and as consciousness of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, personality is because of this fear from directly experience physical reality as substance and wanting to have a filter, a layer, a shield what protects me from consequences and not realizing that this consciousness and personality is only an imagination what is temporally and only maintained by constant and consistent re-thinking, re-imagining, re-playing memories and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from direct beingness, from consequences from actions I do in and as the physical because I've judged within consciousness that my physical body is unsure, uncertain and wanted to be perfect and immediately as I've imagined and not realized that the physical learning ability I've suppressed which can be natural but as I've superimposed my physical with imagination, the physical of me became unsure, uncertain, not directive.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that by the very starting point of fear from being not sure, wobbling, uncertain, fallible and having chances to make mistakes - I actually create the consequence of not being here directing myself but imagining and thinking, and planning in the sake of and the interest for not making mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes because defining physical consequences as remaining and defining consequences as avoidable because all I've defined myself is my reactions to consequences and never realized that the physical body's natural learning ability I've suppressed and that's why I am making mistakes one after another and not learning, expanding and the solution is to stop thinking, reacting, thoughtful planning, imagination based on the starting point of not wanting to make mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my starting point determines the result, the experience, the consequence, always, equal and one and within this context the fear from not being directive and making mistakes: manifesting being directed and making mistakes and by the starting point of thinking for avoiding mistakes I will intensify and then I will think more and therefore not being directly here and directing myself and therefore making more mistakes.

When and as I experience myself making mistake - I remember it is alright, if I judge it, I react with fear, judgment of the past and that I stop, I breathe, I prevent myself to go into self-judgment and see how practically I can PREVENT making it again.

When and as go into the feeling of energies moving in me and defining it as cool, good, I realize it is a positive energy what I generate and there is always a negative part of it and if I am not aware of what it is - I stop myself and see what comes up, what I fear, worry from, anxious about and I stop that, I forgive that directly and I re-align myself by releasing the reaction, I direct myself to remain slow, silent, stopped within while taking one breath at a time and doing action, even if it means physically slowing down.

When and as I slow myself down within and therefore slowing down outside as well - I realize it is not as it will remain so slow and I PREVENT myself to think and judge myself as 'how slow I am' - because in the beginning it might be slow physically until the body, as substance learns it and then I can do it with and as inner silence even faster if possible.


When and as I have a justification and excuse for not slowing down within - I realize I've defined myself as that justification and excuse and until I do not forgive, let go, understand how and why I specifically fear from slowing down for what the fear, justification comes - I will only use force of energy to stop what is conditional, not remaining, therefore I make sure that the justification and excuse is just a thought pattern, what I deliberately choose MYSELF in order to not walk, change and stop the fear and I commit myself to choose to remain here, empty, silent within breathing.

When and as I fear from doing something slowly I realize it is the mind what with I fear that not being fast enough and not realizing that it is not about the speed or the time but who I am and how I am doing it.

When and as I fear from remaining unsure, uncertain, wobbling, anxious, doubtful - I realize it is because I allow thoughts to possess me for not taking responsibility for in fact remaining uncertain, wobbling, anxious, doubtful.

I commit myself to stop the feelings of the mind as it is of energy, personality, self-interest and in fact fear.

I commit myself to fully understand all feelings I generate deliberately, automatically in order to occupy myself within self-interest of fear and within the understanding realize the practical way to stop and actually stop it one reaction at a time and slow myself down to remain here, directive, physical.

I commit myself to stop fear from remaining slow physically and allow my natural learning ability to expand with no mind and no fear, no reactions.

I commit myself to stop defining imagination and thinking as superior than my physical body, action.

I commit myself to stop fear from mistakes and actually use common sense and slow myself down within and do one breath at a time and disregard thoughts, fear, one by one, moment by moment, each hour, day, year consistently, constantly.

I commit myself to re-align myself with and as physical action and realize that the thoughts are of fear and in fact each thought and inner reaction is a justification and excuse for not take responsibility for what I do, how I do, why I do, therefore I stop each thought, each noise within and I direct myself here, always here.

[JTL 76] Reviewing priorities

Some native language Self-forgiveness I will write meanwhile I write on composing and perfecting and compressing the current post for Drugs & Paranoia Research and other writings. I actually enjoy it but takes time and then I realize - nobody yet written about that before with this starting point so I find it to be important and supporting for myself and others so when realizing it: I find it to not being difficult to work on it for hours.

I've noticed I am effective within writing when I take turns - first the draft, second is structuring and third is finishing the points. At least.

Mostly I write my blog in one sitting - I sit down, I write it and I share it and if I have some time I might re-read it on Networkedblogs via the subway and correcting the bigger mistakes.

But I've accumulated some dissatisfaction within me by allowing some parts and some points to be not perfect - in terms of walking points fully or leaving typos and misspellings or even the sentence not being simple and clear even for myself, what is unacceptable, so then I do not share when it is not yet ready.

But in the meantime I could write some Self-forgiveness and Self-correction at least in my local language - that is also faster and more simple because I am natively speaking/writing in Hungarian - meanwhile with English I am comfortable with already but still sometimes finding words/meanings and making grammar and meaning-related mistakes. It takes time and what is time but Decision - I have time for what I want. Of course beyond my working hours for money. But at times when I write daily I see that I have a slight inner movement within that 'I should continue my music exploration' and 'I should learn more animation' and even 'I should edit/cut more videos' meanwhile I see that within prioritizing writing Journey to Life and Agreement Course is THE priority. Time. Always limited.

Before I was accepting myself when I had guests or I had activities what took my whole night, that then I did not write. But recently I've pushing myself into direction that I write every day - at least in the morning I wake up and a half an hour - but then that is not enough.
Also within walking the Agreement Course assignment - I write quite some and not many times I share from that, only when specifically wanting to share.

But I see that I've stabilized so much within writing - and even my Hungarian has improved as I write English the structuring of words - and recently only writing in Hungarian only when writing long emails to local people I know - and I see that I also improved by that so I will write Self-forgiveness in Hungarian for a while meanwhile the Paranoia Research and other writings will be in English.

In the meantime I realized I had issues and problems with working on my 'art'-related projects by wanting to 'fully' work on those for instance for a full day but that was very rare and I've realized that it was an excuse to not progress by subconscious resistances.

I mean I've set up a high-end audio equipment at home and my only excuse now is that there is more priority to use my time for the writings but I've realized that with video I've moved beyond this limitation as I am able to just load the video project, work on it for some minutes/half an hour and then closing it and actually I am able to progress with those... So if I really want, then with music I will be able to do so...For instance it took a half year to finish a video clip but now it is done still could be better but it is acceptable for me(what is something lol)- and I've worked on it quite a lot but never more than 1 hour in a session and now I see that there are about a dozen video projects I am doing and randomly I progress with some - and also I've noticed that whose I am being asked by and in fact 'pushed' by others - I see as 'threat' for my 'fragile' schedule and writing commitments so I rather not do those by myself unless the person is taking the time and come to sit with me and then we do it together - however some of those projects has 'deadline' and I've decided to finish those so I will find time for those anyways - yet still keeping the writing as priority.

Okay, so this is it.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to schedule my time according to common sense and prioritizing the tasks based on Self-honesty without inner judgment/conflict.
I forgive myself that I have judged myself that if I want to do something then I am able to do it only when I do not do anything else on that day what is way too much and in fact is excuse for not doing it at all meanwhile I've proven to myself that I am capable of doing things from time to time slowly but surely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to share posts in my blog as imperfect meaning allowing typos, grammar mistakes and even not understandable sentences because of rushing and hurrying and being tired and not being present while typing and not reviewing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify and by that skip sounding Self-forgiveness and Self-correction and Self-commitment and projecting it doing so in the future wherein in fact I will have an other 'new' post what with I do the same and not realizing that within Sounding my words I am able to see that am I equal and one with the words or not and if not then I will face the lack of specificity within time looping the Self-dishonesty and then I will become aware of that part of the same point meanwhile I could make sure to walk it properly within absolute Self-honesty in the first time, what is common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time and fearing from not being who I defined myself to be because not having enough time to do things which by I could define myself as doing so therefore my personality being experienced as 'real' as who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that all self-definition is based on a certain fear what if I do not realize how I've created, I am the result of my self-dishonesty until I do not realize and stop.

Desteni I Process LITE -free-

[JTL 36] Echoing in my mind

When I am not absolutely clear and sure that I did the right thing - or even in the moment I felt like or I was sure that in that moment it was alright, but then I shift personality or I feel screwed or I just do not remember exactly how and what I did - I allow myself to echo words in my mind.
Also it can happen when something was apparently really good - then I am just re- and redefining it within as good and I can be obsessed with this for some moments at certain situations.

This might seem as not intentional, I just happen to be realizing that I am experiencing words being 'echoed' within and then I say STOP and then I stop.
And there is a deliberate form as well: for instance an email I've wrote and it was important and I was not sure that it is a great idea to send but I did so then I've re-read it for a couple times and see my reactions within.

It is also 'happens' when I end a conversation with somebody what was judgmental within myself - or I am feeling like I could judge it but I did not; or I did suppress myself and I was not really aware what was my reaction - it was like I did feel something and 'now' it's gone - suppressed into my body yet I WANT to feel what was that - and then those words echo in my head.

I am not even sure in all times why exactly happens, for different scenarios I assume it happens for different reasons but the core of it it's obvious that I'm stuck for some moments and not comprehending so then repeating the words to react - and to react more.

It is just a method to be obsessed with words and generate energy within compounding towards specific energetic reactions meanwhile reality goes on but myself not really.

Also it happened like in a moment I responded to someone with words and I felt like awkward what I said - or somebody on the street while I was passing by said something to me - and when I heard it I was busy thinking or focusing or doing something different meanwhile I 'heard' the words but it was like those words went into a 'queue' within my mind and after processing the current thought-stream, those words actually 'got me' and then I react - and that also can 'repeat' for a while.

The first time I was really aware of it when I started to smoke MJ in about 2001 and with mates listening this Depeche Mode: Useless remix: with the lyrics: "Echoing in my mind..."



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as my thoughts and within expressing myself as thoughts believing that I am expressing myself who I am and not realizing that the very manifestation of thoughts is self-suppression within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat within my head what I felt like it was difficult to face and wanting to repeat until I am sure that I am facing it 'properly' meanwhile in fact I react within myself with fear to face and wanting to fear less and less by facing it again and again until nothing I feel and I can 'go on' in the next moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from feeling something as bad therefore wanting to face it until I do not feel anything within the belief that then I do not feel bad, I am free of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within energetic reactions within I manifested myself as not being able to remain silent within when experiencing something what I've defined as not good and wanting to comment it or have a thought about it to equate or balance out the apparently negative energy of fear with something what at least what make sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define positive within any experience even when I do not find the experience comfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experiences as negative when experiencing fear regarding to the experience - by using thoughts, memories, pictures, physical resonances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from change when facing fear and not realizing that within defining what I fear as negative - in fact I place myself into a situation wherein I do not/can not change because I separate myself within perception from the physical experience by defining it and judging it as positive and negative and then according to that forming personality how to handle such definitions within regarding to physical reality experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can discipline and direct myself to STOP following and accepting and allowing the self-definitions within positive and negative in any moment if I am aware of what is here within common sense.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with positive and negative within my mind what I experience as negative, dark, fearful - instead of understanding it and use common sense and remain all ways here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest to myself absolutely that within myself as mind as judged as dark I use and become addicted to energy regardless of it is positive or negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because becoming addicted to energy regardless of judged as positive or negative.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the fact that deep inside my mind it does not matter that the energy I experience within by thoughts, feelings and reactions that it is positive or negative - it is just energy what I've allowed myself to strive for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define as joy when thoughts are echoing in my mind regardless of what is the subject of the thought, regardless of what is the reason of the thought manifesting and influencing and in fact directing me on the physical level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuck in my mind as thoughts when I am not absolutely clear within instead of using common sense and let go the want to repeat and echo thoughts within my mind in order to re-energize, re-experience, re-define, re-feel re-think something regardless of as it seems as positive or negative - I breathe, I direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think or believe that thinking and allowing words within myself is not intentional, it just happens, I am experiencing words echoing in my mind and not realizing that I am responsible for accepting and allowing it meanwhile I disregard physical reality here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to re-experience what happened already within self-definition by thoughts and words echoing and repeating within to see that what really happened and trying to learn from it and seeing it was good or bad to be able to learn from it by how I judge myself and not realizing that what happened is done and how I judge it is not real but of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sure and clear and aware of how and why I allow words echoing in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to re-read, re-watch my expression what I did in the past to try to judge and re-define it and see that it was good or bad or parts of it was good or bad, cool or uncool and trying to learn from it to make sure that next time I will do better and not realizing that the over-analyzing the past based on self-judgments is not assisting and supporting me but making me living in the past and being obsessed with what I've done is irrelevant if I am disregarding here meanwhile.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with words and generating energy within meanwhile disregarding physical here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself how and what I did as awkward and then echo the words what I did as awkward to define myself as awkward again and again and again until I do not define myself for it as awkward in the belief that then I am not awkward because I believe myself to be who I judge myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from what I judge myself for and believing it as real and not being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of how I've evolved my mind within by drugs and how I've defined myself through experiences with drugs and not being aware of how I've defined myself to be regarding to how I am experiencing words echoing in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with the song of Depeche Mode Useless and defining it as myself and the whole scenario with the 'it's beginning to hurt' with thoughts echoing in my mind and not realizing that I can stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define experience more than me because experience seems more real than me by defining it and then becoming addicted to define experience and define myself as experience being defined by words and not realizing that I've developed personalities within compressed self-definition systems by defining definitions within based on words and real life events what then I've defined as myself.

Alright - from here this will be a drug-related continuation wherein I walk through the effects of the specific drugs regarding to thoughts echoing in my mind and the slicing experience of perceived time moments thought by thought what made me define this experience as cool and enjoyable because being the sign of my mind falling apart and getting my moment of apparent 'no mind' and 'freedom' therefore defining echoing in my mind as cool and never actually seeing what is the source, the core of myself doing such deed.

I commit myself to investigate, research, look, become intimate with myself and exploring self-honesty about the relationships I've defined within for the 'echoing in my mind' words.
I commit myself to walk through the positive and negative experiences within and see the core of thoughts why and how I've manfiested within what starting point for what specific circumstances the self-suppression within petrification within fear and what methods I've manifested as personality to overcome and bandage my deepest experiences having in this existence as fear from separation, fear from others, fear from myself, fear from being myself and in fact fear from fear without even realizing that the fear is simply separation from what is here within equality and oneness.

I commit myself to expose all my mind activities regarding to how I am utilizing both the positive and negative energies within to remain within and as consciousness of personality and characters what automatically react to specific circumstances and situations within the inner judgment of positive and negative towards it and towards the situations by thoughts of words and understand all of myself and writing it all down, putting everything in front of me and becoming aware of all the self-accepted manifested separation from myself and breath by breath stopping participating within and as fear as perceived separation.

When and as I experience that I am repeating words as thoughts, as echoing within myself, I stop, I breathe, I let all go and I re-align myself with and as the physical, the body, breathing, considering equality within practical presence.

When and as I define thoughts echoing in my mind, or realizing that I do repeat something within - I slow down inside, and if required I physically stop for a moment and allow myself to let go all within until I am clear and continuing to act here.

When and as I feel like 'the nail stuck'(gramophone) within my head - for instance when someone says something what I've defined as hurts - I stop repeating it and stop imagining that the person is saying it again and again and again - and I allow myself to understand it and see what causes within - and if causing thoughts coming up - I stop that within self-direction and express myself in and as the physical - within acting or speaking or even 'just' within breathing actively without fear from being too raw or crazy.

When and as I fear from facing the things what I've defined as negative - I realize that all definitions are lies within - that the reality is not dependant and on definitions - that the fact is fact regardless of defining it as positive or negative - therefore I stop for a moment and look into myself that what is the reason and the core of defining something as negative from what starting point and for what outcome within absolute self-honesty and realizing that anything comes up within I can apply the same: I forgive myself and I let go myself what is not fact but of judgment because any self-judgment I've realized is irrelevelant within for remaining here and acting withint he consideration of all participants for my current context of reality.

When and as I fear from facing consequence within the physical - I realize that is already here - and fear from consequence implies self-judgments regarding to negative polarity already and therefore I allow myself to understand such act within without fearing from losing presence and fearing from losing myself in madness within 'fly down' into the pit of negative-based self-definition systems of myself what driving me to always strive towards the other polarity as 'positive' without questioning it as myself.

When and as I experience words echoing in my mind - I stop it within Self-direction, I stop following the words as thoughts, I stop disregarding physical reality, I stop disregarding common sense within any self-judgment and I re-align myself here breathing and acting as I've realized that following thoughts as words echoing in my mind is in fact energetic addiction with the starting point of fear from myself, fear from already manifested consequences, fear from the unknown, what is not supporting me, what is not really me as Life.

So I will continue this thread with using the Lyrics of the song mentioned here as seeing that is being quite specifically describing what I experienced with specific drugs and how I've defined myself according to that and still defining the whole act of deliberate self-sabotage by justifying thinking with mind-effects as cool and groovy meanwhile in reality I am simply stuck within specific fear.

Thanks!

Self-forgiveness: time, fear

Self-forgiveness: time, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that time is what is against me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away into the definition of time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must hurry and rush in order to having enough time.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my time is running out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define time is something what I can beat with sleeping less even less than my body requires to rejuvenate daily.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to introduce habits within my life because of fearing that I do not have enough time for instance while eating alone watching videos/films.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not breath here as myself as presence - I am running out of time.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I feel that I do not have enough time or I have to hurry, then I am becoming frustrated and irritated.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and irritated when I feel like I have not enough time for what I want to do.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I obsess myself with that what I want to do instead of doing it - I am unnecessary stressing myself with fearing from what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to admit that I accept fear within me to not needing to deal with it and in fact not needing to face the fact that I accept myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I accepted myself to live in constant fear instead of stop participate within such inner-pattern.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from not having enough time in fact I fear from not expressing myself in the moment beacuse experiencing that I am constantly suppressing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to not needing to realize that I live in constant fear.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to face the fact that I accept my life as constant fear.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in every moment that if I do participate within the mind such as thoughts, feelings, emotions - then I am in fear and using the mind to suppress that within me to not wanting to face what I have accepted and allowed myself to became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself because I do fear from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself because in fact I do not know myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the unknown.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from undefined because defining the undefined as unknown and defining myself as somebody who is fearing from unknown instead of letting go any definition and breath through fear and push self as physical presence.

When I realize I am rushing, I stop, I realize I fear from not having enough time - I breathe, I realize what is here without any Self-definition and I direct.
When I experience inner dialogue, backchat - I stop, I breathe, I realize for a moment I was lost, but I am here now - I look at the inner reaction as the reflection of what I accepted within and as me and I take full Self-responsibility and I apply Self-forgiveness and I change: I stop accepting thought-based patterns and I breath myself through breath by breath disregarding inner reactions and regard physical presence within common sense.
When I feel like I do not have enough time - I stop - I breathe, I realize I participate within the mind, that's why I feel like I do not have time - I re-align myself with and as my human physical body and I express myself as inner silence.
When I follow a thought to catch a next thought - I realize - I am following the white rabbit into the vortex of fear - I stop. I breathe and I embrace myself and I bring the core of the thought-pattern here - I direct myself to see within me what is causing me to trust within thoughts instead of trusting myself really here and I apply Self-forgiveness unconditionally.
When I feel like I am in stress, frustration, nervousness - I realize - I participate within the mind - I stop everything for a moment, I re-align myself physically here and letting go everything and what remains is me as the physical.
When I accept thoughts and I separate myself from experiencing my reality directly - I realize I've given into fear and I stop - I breathe and I let the point of the thoughts go.
If something is bugging me within timeloops - I realize I must sort this out and I take self-direction and I 'take time' for writing it out and seeing what is within me without any judgment and then applying Self-forgiveness I decide to change and stop.
When I do not want to face something within me and I face with great resistance - I realize I fear from facing myself - what is inevitable - so I use common sense and see what is supporting me really within my process of Self-forgiveness and then apply it.
When I feel like I am confused, when I feel I am unsure, I have doubts - I stop - I realize because I trusted in thoughts and feelings and emotions what are constantly coming and going in and out and within that I would never find stability so I let all go.
When I feel like something is bad for me yet I am doing nothing to stop it - I realize I've given into fear and I am suppressing myself as who I really am and I do stop and I do not give into the temptation of thinking justifications and excuses to overbalance my inner energetic reactions in order to get a momentary 'peace' within my mind.
When I even hear within my voice that I am charging emotionally - I stop, I breathe, I remain inner silent and re-aligny myself here and continue participate with the consideration of 'what is best for all'.
When I experience energetically I am charging up as experiencing emotions, feelings - when these moods 'trip' me or making me 'high' or 'down' - I realize I've accepted my starting point within and as the mind and it is not real - and in fact if I do participate within such Self-dishonesties - in fact I am not real - so I let everything go what is not physical and I direct myself to act within the starting point of 'what is best for all'.

Self forgiveness on energy, consistency

Energy, defining 'woman-like' energy based on self-judgments

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that woman has longer energy cycles than men.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define somebody according to his/her gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as they have longer cycles because of menstruation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself energetically as a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to gender.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to recognize that I have allowed myself to define myself according to genders.
---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to the computer when something is not works like I imagined or preferred - instead of realizing that by knowing the system I can embrace it and direct it as myself but if I judge it - I am separated from it and I am being directed by this point of separation as my self-accepted self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am accepting myself as anger at the moment when I exert it onto things, people instead of realizing that if I do not participate - it is not here as it is not real but if I move according to anger - I am of it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my anger towards to the computer is in fact an anger towards myself - but if I do not realize this - I am not able to stop it as i am occupied with the computer instead of looking into myself and see the core of the anger of myself.
----
Fear from not I am not being good enough

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others might say or think that I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from making mistakes, because I defined mistake as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as bad because then I would think or perceive myself as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as unworthy.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to exist without definition.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am defining - I am of and as the past what is not real here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to moments when I judged myself as I am not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to the event that when I was a little kid and my mother sent me into choir and after the first session, the teacher told me that 'you should not need to come next time' and then I've defined myself as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being not good enough because then I might not be needed for anybody.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be needed by others instead of being myself as who I am as Life, regardless of anybody or anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to prove that I am good enough for others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act according to proving that I am good enough for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I would judge myself as good enough, I could be a better man.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become a better man because as who I am here, I've defined myself as bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from people's judgement as 'bad'.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that if I act according to polarity of good/bad - I am of this polarity equation, I am limited to this polarity system, I am of this system, who and how I act is of this self-accepted self-definition system.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am accepting myself according to polarity manifestations such as good and bad - I can not comprehend what is physically here because I am participating, I am expressing through and as and within a system what is not physical, what is not here, what is not consistent, what is not best for all.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if my principle is not 'what is best for all' - then I am of self-definition system by participating within definitions what I reacted to within the past by self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my expression according to any memories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on fears.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good enough' based on beliefs.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that 'I am not good enough' instead of realizing that I am using self-definitions to compare myself with self-accepted definitions, what are in fact based on specific self-dishonesty points.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how I do participate within the self-definition of 'I am not good enough', instead of being absolutely self-honest with myself and seeing what self-dishonesty I've accepted and become within myself and then realizing how and why I participate within such a self-delusion.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I compare myself to anything according to judgments about things - I am of definitions, I am of memories, I am of dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I participate within such a statement, as 'I am not good enough' - I am participating within a polarity system, based on positive and negative - as 'good' and 'bad' - and within this system - I am limited of this polarity system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I act within self-definition based on judging myself according to 'good and bad' - I am of the mind, I am of the self-definitions, I am of dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others according to polarity-based value systems, such as 'good and bad' - instead of realizing that within participation of polarity of the mind - I am limited to self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I accept such a judgment within myself as 'I am not good enough in zzz' - then I have self-definitions accepted and 'lived' as system within myself as self-dishonesty according to 'zzz' - for instance writing music.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I experience such a reaction within me as inner reaction(thoughts) or outer reaction(spoken words) - then I must realize the subject of this judgment and seeing what preconditions I've limited myself into and as and I forgive those as letting go and stopping to participate within to let go any definitions of the mind unconditionally.


----
Fear from not having enough time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have enough time instead of realizing that if I separate myself from time - I am not aware of it as myself but of and as judgments.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that 'not having enough time' is self-dishonesty as time in physical reality is not relevant as it can not be touched.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define myself as 'I do not have enough time' when I participate within a polarity system where I judge my acts according to self-definitions such as 'useful' and 'unuseful'.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to direct myself as Self-Will all ways here, but I am being directed by influences by the senses, as I am being directed and influenced by impulses through manifesting self-definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to specific activities and if I do not 'act out' these activities - then I define myself that I am not myself - instead of realizing that this self-defined depiction, based on self-definitions is of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I define parts of myself as more important than other parts of myself for instance in a moment I define sexual activities as not important because I defined other activities as more important, for instance doing my job - and by that I am acting according to definitions.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do suppress sexual activities because I do not have time for this - then this activity, what I suppress - will compound energetically - and this energetic compound will be exerted in a moment when I am not directing myself as myself as presence as breath as physical.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am suppressing any part of myself - I am compromising equality within myself and by the principle as oneness and equality - the suppression will be equalized by systematic energetic charge-ups and discharges regardless of my will.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I am possessed with a specific type of expression - I am not myself but of system of self-definition-based act without I am being aware of the why and how and in fact it may occur that I am unable to stop it as it is 'being expressed' when I am not here as the directive principle as Self.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I define for instance computer gaming as 'complete waste of time' - yet I've defined myself according to computer gaming - I manifest suppression of 'wanting to play computer games according to self-definition' - and when this suppression is getting too much - it will take over regardless of my actual 'conscious decisions' of time management of my day and I will be 'possessed to play out' computer games according to self-accepted self-definitions - and physically manifesting the playing computer game continuously - regardless of my Location as current responsibilities - and by that - at the end of the day - I will experience this 'not having enough time'.

Instead of realizing - that looking into myself at the moment and deciding to give specific recurring timeframe for instance for computer gaming for 2x2 hours a week and then I will not suppress it and it will not grow inside - and I will be able to assist myself to not being lost within time by suppressing and exerting self-definition-based expressions to stabilize myself for a moment until I can stop self-definition-based programmed expressions.
The same goes with all activities, for instance at the moment: music, sex with my partner etc.

When I do say - I do not have enough time - I am not present within moments and then I am unable to direct myself to act according to my decisions to do my activities - then I experience that I do not have enough time, then after some 'self-defining of I do not have enough time' - I define myself consciously as 'I do not have enough time' - but then I experience this frustration that I can not do what I decided to do so - and I am not the directive principle to be able to 'give time' - then I resonantly start to fear from not having enough time - and participating within this system - I am not consistent but fighting against time, fighting against myself and this is unacceptable.
I stop define myself according to time or lack of time.
I am here - I direct myself - and what is here physically is who I am - what is here right in front of my nose - this is who I am - this is what I take on without defining it - without defining it separated from me.
------------
Fear from not having the tools what require for the specific expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having the tools what are required for specific expressions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself according to my definitions of requirement for doing specific tools instead of realizing that I can always support myself with the basic tools of writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application - to realize what obsticles I've manifested and accepted within and as my reality.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the past I've defined myself as 'I do not have tools to express myself according to what I want' - and for releasing this fear - I've participated extensively within the current money system to be able to support myself and I did - and at this moment the tools are here with me - as my reality - and I've accepted and allowed myself to remain within this self-definition - without realizing that I've changed and the tools are here already, so redefining myself who I am is required regardless of the tools what I have as the starting point of myself is always myself standing here instead of defining my starting point according to physical tools and by that limiting myself extensively.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tools what I've defined as 'required' to express myself - I can access, I can support myself to express myself - this is at the moment physical fact, so I am releasing this self-definition, that 'I fear that I do not have the tools to support and express myself'.

I am releasing and letting go this self-definition that I do not have the tools to support myself and in fact using what is here as myself without separation is the way to express myself.