[JTL 34] Self-forgiveness: Facing what is difficult and why?

Continuing on decomposing Self-accepted definitions and automatism about the word: DIFFICULT.

• Context: [JTL 32] Self-forgiveness: stopping resonant fear from difficulty

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from difficulty, even when not really seeing it within conscious mind but for instance manifesting it as personality for instance not directly facing specific things or people just because defining that or them as 'uncomfortable' or 'not really wanting to do so' or wanting to find solutions other way around - or apparently 'forgetting it' when it would matter to do so - in fact I fear from difficulty - and I suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from difficulty regarding to money questions, issues, businesses because defining it as uncomfortable, avoidable, not really my style, below my interest or 'having too less chance' and not realizing that I manifested this personality not directly fearing from the things what required in order to stabilize my financial status but the definitions I've allow within myself to come up automatically regarding to the word difficulty, to the circumstances regarding to difficulty, for instance about money, women and directly expressing myself as I want but judging it as too raw for others so then holding myself back and not really saying, doing so what and how I want in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within holding myself back in fact I am manifesting limitations with what facing I am experiencing frustration and within that compounding emotions what I suppress and then compounding, mostly anger towards myself transformed into a some formed of suppressed depression within what I do not act, move and direct myself immediately when I experience the need to do so within myself because of the self-accepted programming of self-definitions automatically make me behave in the way what with I can face the less difficulty and uncomfortably and wanting to equate it with pleasant and apparently self-defined as 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ever realize that by generating good feelings I actually actively do support my own negative feelings by energizing the whole mind within my human physical body and within the mind all the wired habits and automatic energetic movements fuel and boost all parts of my mind equally what I do not see because the the occupation of pursuit of good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I disregard my human physical body here - then I am giving away the only possible solution for myself to stop all delusions here because within physical stability it is only possible and without physical flesh body - I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiences beyond my human physical body here and all what is already here.

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to realize why I am literally bound to feel good and make myself to manifest situations wherein I MUST feel good but within the starting point of energy, of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within always working with energy and juggling with all the positive and negative energy I have manifested myself as completely missing the life force within and as myself who I really am here as the flesh as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not forgive and let go practically all self-definitions regarding to what I've defined as feeling good - I am literally bound to and as the polarities of energetic mind as who I've programmed myself to be to suppress life from the physical as consciousness system what will not last when the body dies - only consequences of disregarding all life here.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that all thoughts within represent a self-dishonesty within myself but I've been taught and formed by society and then others in a way what promotes suppression, thinking and the mind to dominate real physical body here - and anyone says that I should accept thoughts is clearly lost in oblivion and can not be taken seriously at all until proven to be standing here within and as the physical.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of believing of others that thinking is alright and thinking is directly myself - because within giving into something what apparently all other does - feels good but in fact I start to suppress a some sort of anger towards myself because of the self-acceptance of insanity within by myself I am busy manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficulty as uncomfortable and unpleasant because within my past I've defined it as so within not realizing that because I've defined myself as unable to change, unable to solve, unable to comprehend, unable to embrace and unable to direct the subject of that specific 'difficulty' without investigating it and myself within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific things within my life as normal, easy, eased, simple, natural - with what I do not face difficulty - only as challenging, fascination, motivation - and 'having' certain aspects and areas within my life what I've defined as difficult, uncomfortable, frustrating, avoidable.

I am going to continue with the investigation of the challenging/difficult polarities defined within me towards these aspects and areas of my life.


For perspective:

[JTL 33] Excuses and justifications in every moment

Last time I've wrote about how I've allowed myself to program myself to fear from failure within self-definition of difficulty and limiting myself at scenarios when I automatically react with thoughts/feelings/emotions with no self-trust, no self-integrity.

I will continue in the next moment writing the necessary steps to stop the insanity within myself by directing myself and my mind as thoughts+feelings+emotions to eventually unify and stop myself right here in and as every moment of every breath, but this moment I express my point of view of the 'character of the human being' to directly see how I am and within what relationship I stand with this within and without in and as the reality as the Physical.

These Self-forgiveness statements assist and support me to become aware of what I've been doing within myself and the solution is simply remain here and stop and commit myself to not go into the same reactions by scripting myself 'up' so to speak for simply re-program myself to become aware that I can choose to not participate and explore what is beyond self-definitions within fear.
Self-corrective and Self-commitment statements assist and support me to prepare myself in the moment within the physical participation in the Self-dishonesty - to remember that I've been doing this a while and within Self-honesty and exploring writing in Self-intimacy through applying Self-forgiveness I can in fact stop and change.

However the real, physical application of Self-forgiveness is required when I am within the choice of participating within the self-accepted program again - or to stop - but for to be able to stop - as Gurdjieff wrote "to stop the machine, it is required to know the machine' - and when the machine knows itself, it is no longer a machine, it starts to become responsible for it's actions".
So every human who is giving the excuse for not changing, not stopping within, as the inner energetic mind machine based on river-like thought-streams, constantly occupied within having good feelings and disturbing emotions - and without as the currently accepted human system, as the capitalistic, cannibalistic abusing profit-and surviving-oriented self-interest-based money system - is simply stating that:
-we are machines and we can not change,
-it is not meant to be changed,
-it's human nature, it's who we are,
-it's god's mysterious plan,
-there always will be OTHER assholes and selfish bastards
-money is the root for all evil
-you, Tala, do you think you can change the system what is here since thousands of years? Give me a fucking break!
-we all are originated from infinite self-aware consciousness energy, the physical is just an anomaly what is irrelevant
-we just have to meditate every day and not even need to know how our mind works, but the eastern techniques work, really, but within meditation all will be solved, maybe not in this lifetime
-"I can feel the grace and love, if you do not feel it, you are just negative"
-there is good and there is evil and that's the truth, no more questions, that's "my personal" experience, you must understand that!

and all that kind of different types of justifications I can hear every fucking day(even from the 'closest' ones), however when someone is, as an individual directly facing immense shit, suffering, abuse for instance(and I am being creative here however I know some who have this currently being 'exercised'):

-working like a slave since long-long years from 6AM for directly the surviving without EVER thinking outside the box and accepting it yet slowly but surely feeling like being broken day by day
-the bank wants to get back the credit what one's got for you and for your family for instance and mortgaging any of your belongings what is not human flesh, but might that will happen as well
-one's dear loved ones explode with a hi-tech or home-made-budget bomb in the name of imaginary immortals or for some insane uncommon sensical conviction
-having multiple cancer all around one's body from all-hiding corporate aggressive brainwashing food-poisoning copyrighted+government-protected 'market-strategy'
-not really being able to think outside of the box of surviving and trying to pull together the necessary coins for one's kids and stopping the resonant tremor when thinking about how to give to one's child what will be required for a healthy life what would mean at least millions of money and blaming the system, the rich fuckers and even oneself for the decisions one has been made in the past what had consequences already one cannot change or even comprehend
-facing all-stinky begging home-less broken-down human-wreckages all around in the city every day
-meeting some extremists like 'sports fans' mobster within their aggressive-all-destroying alcohol-frenzy
-dodging extremists like nationalists/nazis/demagogs/re-divisionists moving and clothing like clowns/clones in singing half-drunk bunches for marches
-one's boss or the boss of your boss or the boss of your boss's boss is proving to be incompetent however you get the consequences every day yet the money is not that bad compared to others in general
-basically noone wants to acknowledge that we are doomed in all ways possible(just to mention water and food situation) if we do not change the core of our systems

and then there are the ones are already bit more ready to change, to actually do something or at least try for their own self-interest within their own self-developed fear from experiencing the only real thing in this existence what we all sharing equally, what is physical consequence.

It is fascinating to see that apparently there are people who directly pulsate, resonate that they are within the awakening and self-realization and all kind of occupations what they've defined for themselves as 'good' and 'useful' and 'beneficial' - all type of activities or passivities what within they find themselves doing so meanwhile being in the state of doing exactly the best possible thing for themselves and for the world however when someone is asking some direct questions about the abuse and the massive horrific events taking place every fucking day on this planet: everyone is proven to be absolutely powerless and reality-denial within some sort of hypnotic hope that their 'own' life might end up different than the other poor fuckers happened to be experiencing this one beautiful life as something what really-really sucks.

And I must put into this that I am not really different, as I've emerged, as I am experssing today is the same - however what I've been doing within this blog as investigation and self-assessment and writing out all the shit I see within to at least to acknowledge that I am far from the 'optimum' how I can explore what L.I.F.E would mean within and as each given moment and obviously can be noticed right here within this blog that I do not accept all the bullshit about any justification and excuse of why we humans can not really change ourselves who apparently 'happened to became' and the currently 'running' (amok) human consciousness global profit- and fear-oriented all-agreed self-interest-based money- and value system.

And I am not standing alone within directly changing myself from within - hundreds, thousands are busy investigating and W.R.I.T.I.N.G as much as they can to -at the first time- become really aware what we've been doing as individual and as a group as referred as 'human beings' to our- and all other selves without being able to stop even for a moment from the program running within who and what we've accepted ourselves to be and become and actively remain within an interest what is not visible, what is not transparent, yet for us, who write the Journey to Life: is obvious, because we dare to see and we dare to do the steps even if it would take really long time - it is not even a must - I am experiencing this lack of separation from writing day by day more and more stabilized: I am writing and I am preparing myself to change in reality when the moment comes and then I do change without any con-dition to walk out from this per-dition what we've became.

And one can say that life is good, beautiful and shining and colorful and fucking awesome and immensely cool, but how comes that we are not even ready to acknowledge that we all eat, drink, shit and sleep the same way and without that we are screwed beyond any measure, and if we do not want to give that to all, everybody without any con, then we each individual are pledged for all other's direct hell-experience without even wanting to acknowledge.

I've been defined(mostly by myself) as many things since I walk on this mudball floating around, but in fact I am a talking and eating and shitting flesh walking around and apparently doing things without any direction for decades but if I can choose what direction I want to walk - it is not a question that I want to get food, water, shelter, health care and REAL education about what the heck is going on.
And to want this for myself, to have a great life for myself, and the ones who I share my presence with - should also get this otherwise they would not be really a pleasant and cool and awesome and fascinating experience for me, not even for themselves, because without eating for weeks, or drinking anything for some days - all what we define as human is gone, diminished and here is the real zombie apocalypse.

Personally I've seen it in Both-Gaya, Bihar, India - where we went to seek the 'enlightenment cave' of a dried fucker who we believed that achieved something awesome by sitting in that cave for long time) we were covered by beggars  for biscuits(tourists apparently like to pet them with that and the jeep drivers were happy to sell us some) they were really just coming and held out their hands and repeating the same 'biscuit', 'biscuit' 'biscuit' and looking into their eyes I've seen myself directly within reality once and for all yet I had to stand up and help a girl around who was giving biscuits to them so then they rushed her so much that I had to pull these weak ones from her because they were literally like zombies in movies except not biting but literally wanting to bite some biscuit.

And the most horrific was to realize that none of us who did that visit apparently felt the same as me or made the decision to at least try to seek out or want to move out from this kind of 'position of perception' - even some 'mates' like to visit from time to time for the 'mysterious enlightenment cave' - and being able to completely ignore the suffering by perfected justifications and excuses for how they are screwed because of their karma regardless of being old ones, young ones, or even really young ones - and I can at least respect that how much a human can program itself to be completely ignorant for it's own kind.
And all those western money-bags visit India for enlightenment while locals serve them like kings for the all mighty $ - at least for the illiterate starving beggars they are only that.

And I could write dozens of similar experiences, not just like - I was there and broke my little heart and feeling guilty for having hi-tech audio equipment what costs more than the house I've been raised in - in fact I have a courage to feel the shame for what we all became and I feel responsibility(yet I must walk my individual process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness for myself what I've manifested as fears, desires etc) - and I am sure I want to change the system from within with Basic Income and Equal Money what more and more will start to consider as the current system collapses while still there are many who think that by meditating anything will be better but intensify to the utmost degree.


So Enlightenment? Now you give me a fucking break :)

Meditate on physical reality how practically can be solved by it's core what is obviously the money system.
Meditate on physical reality how you would feel physically and act when you would end up the same way as are being abused by the money system, judged and determined by their lack of money to live beyond the edge of the happiness machine.
Meditate on what you would do if you would lose everybody and everything and there would be nothing to generate good feelings and experiences from?

That is compassion, not just thin-king and feeling energetic love and shining and imagining sending it to each heart - or some consciousness shiva-buddha-liquid imagining or consciousness mantra-symbol ball shooting into pure-lands bullshit!!! That's absolutely irrelevant for the abuse and suffering on Earth - come on! What would you choose if you would have the same situation as those are being disregarded by the money system? Imagined energy ball meditated by hundreds together holding hands - or some bread and butter and water and shelter for -20 celsius degrees?

Common sense - common sense is free and is here!

We use words, we react to words, we make business by agreeing on words, we feel happy or sad by words, we allow ourselves being programmed by words, we program our children by words, we hide behind words, we fear from specific words, we judge words, we react to words, we are driven by words, we are being directed by words,  then we simply say words are just words when asking to investigate our relationship and starting point to specific words what we repeat like hypnotized such as 'love' and 'happy' and 'innocent' - if you buy or sell ANYTHING - there is no such thing as innocence.
We must sort out our already existing relationship within and without based on words!

Prepare yourself to be able to be a constant and consistent inner emptiness self-directive principle by direct decision within the Physical to stand up and become equal as one with the current system and change it as self within common sense based on the interest of what is best for all. Simple.

So then I come to the definition of what is human, what means to be human and for me is simply that I want the same things for others what I want for myself - and myself, being at least absolultely fucking self-honest without any doubt that I do require food, shelter, water and health care:

I want the same for other humans as well - and wanting that and actually doing something for happening so - is a totally different scenario.

Within writing and applying the Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Self-direction and Self-changing - I've came to the realization that it is absolutely irrelevant what we, as individuals hope, want or even feel or perceive if it is not physically manifested within the reality what we are sharing equally - and to investigate all things within reality to explore what must be stopped, released might does not mean in the first moments about how exactly, practically we would do that - but once it is clear, that we must stop as humans, as within as this self-perception-wanting to just -feel-good programmable organic robots.

And within Desteni - a research and practical 'projects' and 'experiments' are going on since quite some time - and there are solutions what already proven beyond any measure, what currently a thinking/feeling/emotionally charged human mind can comprehend - but the tools for stop the mind for a moment - (and for another moment - and for this moment, and for this moment too) - to clearly see that Equal Money System is really the thing what is Best for All.
It is simply the equal distribution for the basic needs for everybody - without fearing MY interest that then the others would dominate us within THEIR self-interest - education is the solution for that - it is very possible that there are some who are all-ready will not change, but eventually will die - maybe in 5-10-20-50 years and in fact what we educate and plant as seeds as Life will grow - as we can plant Tress what will be huge and supporting in decades - that we can do with proper education for the children who are obviously ourselves, what most only can feel with their own children but you must understand that there are people who can 'feel' that with all children on earth without any exclusion. And the harm and abuse for many-many children on earth is proven to be manifested in reality every day until we do not change ourselves and the money system.
Religions, spiritual, any self-convicted all-gather-together *-ism groups of interests have no power over reality, they only can think of themselves, regardless of what they are deluding their minions with - that's obvious. That's why they do all their 'specific' 'shit' behind closed doors and in secret and in fact for the same as all others: money and survive and feeling go(o)d.

Investigate, do your research, it would be a shame if you would judge Desteni-EqualMoney-Equal-Life people before even trying for yourself, but for trying it we must conclude as effective group of individuals made the decision to stop this madness and really make our and our children's future possible in the best way possible.

And before finding Desteni I was already sure that it must be done, but I was not aware of the most practical tools and I've been trying many extreme ways in my life to be able to at least to stabilize myself for a moment to - at least! - to see what I am facing as myself and the human system - but I could not. I could stop the thoughts but only by sitting in a dark room for weeks - for what? I had no gain any practical power over myself or over the monetary situations - because I did not consider common sense - and common sense is acting and not sitting that's sure. Or one can say that for rehabilitation for a moment it can be accepted for see how insane our mind works like - but to not write down, to not forgive, to not let go, to not correct the same loops happening again and again and again is simply nonsense...

And to acknowledge that was not a simple, one-blinking process, that I was clue-less, power-less individual, who had even the best intentions within to make myself and the world better, but I was literally walking in oblivion because I've not given myself the most basic, simplistic tools: for give myself what I've been lost and was always looking for and in fact all every body is looking for within all different type of scenarios : the Breath of Life all ways HERE.

Use the tools and Stop the jungle of thoughts and feelings and convictions, come and look out from your head, HERE is a LIFE emerging within and as the Physical. Not beautiful, not really loving - yet but at least it is real and we can transform it to be what is best for all of us practically!

[JTL 16] Self-responsibility: weed, relationship, energy part 1

Journey to life blog - walking myself into consistency and stability step by step.

This is the continuation of Taking Self-responsibility:

    [JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

From my current Agreement Course Lesson Assignment, I've written this part trough and this should be shared:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-11-coming-down-to-earth-from.html
I've stopped alcohol and drugs at least about 5 years ago - as within Self-honesty: it's obviously fucking me in the head and the body and it's in the way of Self-Unification as Life to Really Change the System as Myself as Equal as One within the interest of What is Best for All.

And as I've said with ACID, it is not the weed what has problem or GOOD or BAD - it is my starting point according to weed - and from the perspective of Self-honesty, it does not really matter that the topic is substances, desire or fear - all the same - I've smoked weed for a while and I do not judge that, I do not even fuck myself with the energetic hammering of 'NEVER' - but if I smoke it, it's obvious that I accept myself as self-limitation. So I've simply do not participate.

If my decision is real, then it is not really of circumstances - because then when those change, I face the fact that my decision was not real but of consequence.

Consciousness is really a programmable consequence machine and who tries to originate self from that concept - is lost beyond any measure - here in this blog I walk the re-alignment as LIFE so today let's walk the Physical process of changing starting point from energetic consciousness systematic reactions to actual Birthing as the Living Word as the Breath of Life.

So when I've started to transform my already existing relationship with my partner towards an equal and one Agreement - at points I've accepted and allowed reactions to compound me and I could not handle and I was afraid of failing the agreement and that was quite a reason why I've started to 'bridge' moments when I could not remain within our walk with my partner but then I've re-created a habit of smoking and not really dealing with the starting point with common sense within the consideration of all participants.

So @ times the weed I've smoked, this was an accepted self-definition since quite some time; always with an apparently brilliant excuse and justification - and I am walking trough this within the Desteni I Process : Agreement course and it is assisting and supporting me beyond any measure - but in reality - I must be the DECISION to physically CHANGE and that starts with self-study and self-investigation within Self-honesty.



And by writing Self-forgiveness, I am becoming aware what I actually accept and allow - and taking responsibility, taking directive power as Life, not as self-programmed, self-contained, self-deluded, programmable self-happiness-generator-energy-machine but as considering ALL what is here undefined within common sense. So I stick to the simplest practical solution - walking trough words what I automatically react to within Self-honesty.

What was a tremendous support is this Life Review Interview: The Weed Smoker.

So let's face some self-accepted consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take drugs when something or everything is too much and instead of investigating with common sense, I want to break through or suppress down or walk away or get high with things what I've defined as getting me high for instance chocolate, coffee, weed or any sugar or eating or arousal or woman can make me energize and activate specific personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to depend energy outside of me because then still I am not fully responsible for what I act and how I act but I am being directed and influenced according to circumstances beyond my direction therefore there is always a point where I can project responsibility and not me here being fully self-responsible within allowing myself to transcend drugs once and for all and enjoying being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself here facing me without taking the drug and not wanting to realize that I must change and resonantly fearing from change from losing who I've defined myself to be and that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with defining specific expressions of me only I can access when I take specific drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that any reason and justification appears within my head is not real, is of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within me regarding to smoking or not smoking and fearing live my decision regardless of any justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking weed is acceptable if I am self-honest and wanting to bridge out the shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and say it is for painkiller's substitution, because it is a great painkiller.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in terms of why I smoke weed when I smoke weed because then I would realize that I suppress, that's why I smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel tired and wanting to smoke and then when smoking, feeling not tired anymore: is energy what I've defined myself to be therefore I am dependent on it, I am not the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with smoking actually I can make better music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use making and playing music as a justification for why I smoke weed and not being self-honest with myself in terms of the energetic addiction regarding to weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing the people around me if I would say I do not smoke again so by the stuff I glue myself socially that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require to do things for people to accept me instead of myself accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as a justification for not taking it ever more: because I was able to stop it for 3 years, so anytime I can do it again, instead of living this knowledge in all moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a reason to smoke as meeting with ex-partner and experiencing conflict and become nervous and anxious about it what I want to suppress because apparently I could not 'resolve'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by smoking weed I mistify the relationship I have with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus to weed relationship instead of focusing to self-relationships with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of daring to see the real reasons why I smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accumulate energy in order to decide something what seems to be difficult instead of questioning any self-definition starting with the word ‘difficulty’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve decided to smoke weed to feel strange and different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a control in my life in terms of with what I can control myself and my relationship with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the want and desire towards my ex-partner who with we ended our relationship/agreement-walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that I feel failed within my last attempt to manifest an agreement with the partner I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the facts what with I am responsible for not manifesting an equal and one and supporting and nurturing agreement with ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it is too much with my partner or ex-partner or even future-partner – that when I experience shit, then believing that I cannot stop it but I must suppress it with substances instead of using common sense and the tools to walk through and communicate with my partner within the starting point of absolute-self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use smoking weed to not face myself but triggering an energetic self-defined state wherein I perceive only part of myself what seems to be calm and peaceful and energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a self-defined relationship with myself what I’ve defined about who I am but in fact it is a self-defined relationship what I react to as defining as too intense and wanting to suppress to not be able to be aware of myself because then I would be frustrated and then I would change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a weed-effect aura within I am calm, whole and open and not realizing that within suppressing a part of me – in fact I am not open, in fact I am not calm and not even whole but within the effect of weed I am simply not aware of this so then I can perceive my goal as ‘peace’ meanwhile compounding suppressions what I am sure will exert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I suppress more and express less because I do not even see that I do have to speak up and take responsibility because in the moment I am not even aware of the responsibility because in fact in these moments  I want to be defined by the words ‘I do not care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve defined myself by the action of ‘I do not care’ because without this statement – I felt myself involved, intoxicated with reactions what did not feel comfortable, so wanted to stop but not directly as myself but with energies and energetic manipulation by adding extra energy into and as my mind system by drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose myself and perceiving my world as small and insignificant in the starting point of wanting to seem less responsible for who I am and what I experience and in fact what I actually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within me that I want to hide from others and from myself because what I’ve seen when I was looking at myself was not comfortable, but frustrating and I’ve defined myself as uncomfortable and frustrating and not realizing that in fact the act what I do and the thoughts what I’ve participate within generates the energetic experience of being uncomfortable and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be untouchable and shielded from myself and from my world what I’ve defined as too intense and I need something to put the edge of reality away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I create a mystified experience of myself what within I am in fact not aware of myself therefore not needing to worry and therefore not needing to suppress therefore not needing to face exerting my anger and frustration towards myself about in fact I actually try not to change from where I experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest with myself in terms of realizing I’ve craved myself into actions what with I cannot realize the relationship with my mind and human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from speaking up while being smoked because I might seem clever but in fact I know that anyone can speak anything without the actual Real Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take refugee within drugs with what I can experience calmness and peace and confidence and stability and not realizing that I will experience only this when I am being self-defined within the self-defined action of using the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that by smoking weed in fact I am hiding myself behind self-accepted relationships what are of hope and fear and still participating within the casino system by ‘maybe I will get this experience if I win’ and not realizing that by this I abdicate self-trust and compromise my self-honest walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joyful when the weed hits me and experiencing myself inside slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined joy based on and according to circumstances and relationships with other self-definitions and not realizing that I can only experience equality and oneness with the word 'joy' when using definitions separated from me to be able to define me within the relationship of joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as 'great', 'joyful', 'good', 'useful' because when I use it, I have a feeling of good, because of suppressing the things what I bother myself with and by that relief defining joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling cool when experiencing slow, liquid-like energetic waves/movements within and as my human physical body while the drug hits my mind and experiencing these energies and not realizing that these are thought-system-manifestations moving within and as me and yet not being aware of these and how and why and by that 'suppressed awareness' defining it as cool because then apparently I can focus to other things and not always to 'my issues' what cause me think and react to thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the word 'unconcerned' there is already a polarity within being concerned and being not concerned and by smoking defining me unconcerned in fact I just make myself FEEL not concerned and by self-definition concerned, I actually want to stop being defined by and as myself how I actually experience myself and wanting to do it with smoking instead of dealing with my issues directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like how I experience listening music while being on drugs because then the perception is different and defining myself as this different perception is what I like - I define myself as the drug and not being able to be myself without the drug effecting my 'liking'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to define sexually stimulated more when doing sex while being on any drug because then the apparent intensity is bigger and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good simply as that and not realizing that intensity is also a perception based on opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sexual-pleasure and seeking for sexual-pleasure and doing sexual-pleasure as much as I can without questioning myself simply because defining myself as 'this is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming fed up with my reasons and justifications about why I smoke weed and then when I do it I see that within self-honesty I do not want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to smoke weed because then I can forget myself and within forgetting myself I feel reliefed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing my music instruments because then I would have to restart to build my studio what is money and time what about I am extremely limited currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress playing and writing music within me when not smoking weed and after a while wanting to make music but not doing it by having reasons and justifications but in fact I simply not make music when I do not smoke because I've defined myself and my musical aspect with weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for apparently 'high' energetic experiences because then all the possibilities reduce and I become automatic and within that self-automation I focus to reacting to self-definition of 'intensity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for great sex with a woman who is really open with me and I find her sexually attractive but only if she would really like me, what I do and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use suppressed sexual desire and energy to fuel me as mind and defining this as myself and when not having sexual suppressions, desires, wants - I feel myself as 'low' instead of realizing that who I've defined myself to be as energy within my mind as 'high' and when 'low' wanting to enhance myself with energies to get back to 'high'-ness, what simply means regarding thoughts, feelings, emotions more than here physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from anything what is not 'intense enough' to be apparently real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intensity regarding to circumstances and not as who I am as life, always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing something what is too intense, because then I am becoming more automatic that I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from something being too intense and therefore my reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions will be also intense and by that intensity, actually I diminish here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the importance to draw/write out all self-definitions/relationships/connections within and as me regarding to the word intensity.

So - some self-accepted abdication of Self-responsibility is here within constancy and consistency - let's prepare the physical change with Self-correction:

When and as I think of getting weed or even buying it – I realize – this is a timeloop – if I buy the stuff, I will smoke it, and if I buy it – in fact I made the decision to smoke more – and not realizing that if I really not want to smoke then I do not get it – and until I have tendency to get it or somehow just ‘have stuff’ – it is the same – I am living my decision to want to smoke because wanting to hide from myself – and each act I participate in this  – I abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I feel like I need to smoke in order to any reason – I realize I have the reason and justification from my past what I want to change but until I do not change the relationship within me regarding to self-definitions about doing drugs, smoking weed, getting high – until I am the same – therefore I decide to suppress and then compound and then exert and then feeling ashamed and then becoming frustrated and then again facing the decision to suppress myself again.

When and as I suppress fear from changing – I realize – I have the tendency to smoke weed to bubble myself into a personality what is calm and relaxed and joyful what I’ve defined myself not to be therefore to chemically shift my perception about me – I use chemical substances – and until I participate – I am responsible for postponing my self-expression.

When and as I fear from relationship and acknowledging my responsibility within past relationships – I realize I have tendency to wanting to shift personality with smoking weed instead of slowing down and stopping participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to how shit I did and how I should not do and how I should do and then still when ‘letting this go’ – wanting just to be relaxed in the moment, in this moment and not wanting to take responsibility for the future as well.

When and as I desire after sex – I realize by smoking weed I only intensify this and then I will have intensified sexual desire – so by smoking I realize I compound more energy to suppress me.

When and as I start to become extremely aroused and losing presence and just wanting to ‘get off’ the energy I realize this energy I compounded and in fact created by being self-dishonest and that self-dishonesty is compounded and the arousal is here for hide myself with a bigger energy from an uncomfortable energetic experience caused by me moment by moment.

When and as I have thoughts about what is the reason to smoke weed – I realize – that reason is of consequence of energetic experience – therefore any reason is self-dishonesty.

When and as I fear from facing myself – I realize by weed I just mistify myself and not stopping even when it is obvious that the best is to stop myself from inside out within one decision with no energy, gently yet brutally just breathe and remain here and observe the mind but not participate.

When and as I experience  emotions and feelings – I realize – it is alright to not suppress these but coming here – what is important is to not follow and react to and wanting to act something regarding to that – rather remain here and breathe, and see how it comes from where ‘it’ wants to go and apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I desire after sex – I see that it is of mind as energy – and then I stop,  and if not – then I do not judge – but decide in one moment – and act accordingly.

When and as I fear from women and fear from facing women – ex or current or future partner – I realize I fear from facing myself what I have the tendency to suppress yet with partner it is coming to surface and not wanting to face and realize myself because then I would have to change and within changing facing the unknown what I’ve defined as fearful and avoidable therefore anytime experiencing change – fear will come and that is predictable, so when I experience fear within stopping, especially fear from unknown, I breathe, I stop, I let go and I realize until I smoke weed, I suppress myself and cannot deal with emotions therefore I stop smoking weed, stop getting weed, accepting weed, wanting to smoke weed, wanting to buy weed, wanting to be in the situation of have a valid reason to smoke weed.

I commit myself to not smoking weed because within smoking I am creating layers within and as me and these layers consist of and entails of my self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to remain constantly aware that if I am here as Self-movement and not as reaction to Mind-movement - weed do not effect me.

I commit myself to see all relationships within and as me what wants me to smoke weed and not using the justification to ‘to walk through weed, I need to smoke weed to have the experience of self-dishonesty’ then to realize and by that to stop instead of simply stop by decision and not by manifested consequence.

I commit myself to just decide things without energy and within self-decision – I stand, I walk, I breathe, I act.

I commit myself to stop fearing from myself as relationship with woman and transform my starting point of fear from myself as unknown to self-enjoyment within self-honesty within and as stopping all systems within and as me as Life.

I commit myself to not judge weed because self-judgment is of polarity of positive and negative and remain aware of that either way I participate within defining it according to my self-interest it is the same, meanwhile weed is a plant what has a substance what alters the mind.

I commit myself to stop all relationship within and as me of and as mind consciousness system and birthing myself as Life as the Physical undefined, Self-disciplined, constant, stable, consistent and everything what makes me changing, unstable, inconsistent in terms of self-presence is not really me therefore I let go, unconditionally walk trough, remove completely, entirely.

Related articles:(just some ;)


http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-i-am-cool-because-i-smoke-weed.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-21-weed-and-social-circles.html

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-247-how-i-stopped-weed-addiction.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-26-weed-and-responsibilities.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-25-stoner-pothead-character.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-24-pipes-and-resin.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-22-weed-and-creativity.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-23-weed-and-creativity-cont.html

Also this is fascinating:

http://desteni.org/a/bruce-lee-marijuana-a-view-less-seen

I suggest to investigate all habits as Jesus said: Investigate all things and keep what is best for all.

I do not ask for asking is this really Jesus speaking - I suggest listen the words what is being spoken and apply for yourself and within Self-honest action one can only see.

[JTL day 13] Stopping reacting to fear from childhood part 1

Exposing any fear-related reaction within and as me at this moment:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fear is the consequence of self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize when I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/understand/realize that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I participate within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prove that I do not fear with recklessness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote myself as unafraid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from others realizing that I fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think that if I suppress fear, others will not realize it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I accept fear within me - I am responsible for manifesting what I accepted myself within the relationship of fearing from experiencing what I've defined as fearful.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself that I do not fear at all, never.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote fear by accepting and allowing myself living in fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unquestionably learn fear from parents and teachers and not realizing the how and why.
I forgive myself that I have never dared to question my fears regarding to death.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny that I fear when someone tells me that I am in fear because then I might do something wrong but unless I am not aware of my fear, I do not have to deal with it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop methods to suppress and hide fear within and as me to not needing to face it as myself as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any thoughts I participate within is a sign of fear within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself experience superiority when noticing someone is acting according to fear and experience inferiority when I am experiencing fear and apparently others around me not experiencing fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as fuel.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as motivation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as power.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as evil.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define fear as separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I participate within fear - I am responsible for the consequences of such starting point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy myself in order to divert my attention from fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the best way to stop fear is to sleep one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act towards fear because of the starting point of fearing from remaining within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being exposed within fear and experiencing being humiliated by others because of being exposed within fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the word fear within the belief that then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid the words as 'I fear' and 'I fear of ...' and 'I fear from ...' because within the belief/self-definition of if I do not say I fear then I do not fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to laugh at somebody who I perceive as acting according to fear.
I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to acknowledge to myself that I fear from death, not because of the experience but because all the wants I've defined myself that I must do before death I have not done therefore fearing from not fulfilling my desires and future projections and not realizing that this extent of fear from myself is proving to me that I can not build anything consistent within the starting point of fear.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that suppressing and absorbing fear is NOT a solution but self-harm.

Okay this was just an introductory to the word fear.

When I was kid for a while in my conscious mind - I had enormous fear - the most prominent was when night came and I was in my room, in my bed, I felt like something is throbbing within me and I felt and heard my heart pounding and I had no stability point but constantly feeling that I am falling, I am falling apart, I am perishing, I am all ever changing without stability and nothing really remains within me and within that fear I had the impression that I am falling into the endless oblivion of existence/universe.
It was strange experience but I had FIGHTS many-many nights to stop this experience, to stop this being lost feeling, this apparently huge, enormous, intoxicating physical experience of fear, almost like a shock, a severe trauma that I do not know what is going on, I do not know why I am in this family wherein I am, I do not know who I am, I do not know what to do, I do not know what I experience, I do not know what will happen, I do not know how to stop this nasty, energetic experience within me.
My senses were sending constant nonsense, like with my tongue I touched one of my teeth and I've felt my tooth ENORMOUS, HUGE, I've felt that my gums and my tooth are like planet-sized and I am being pushed towards these GIGANTIC forces me like a rag-doll based on laws of such physix what I do not understand, can not predict, unable to stop, not possible to fight over.

And hearing my heart pounding LOUD, feeling the pressure in my veins after each heart-pulsing, hearing it within my ear made me really mad after a while - I had such an unexplainable physical and mind fear that I felt absolutely powerless and I just wanted to end this and I just could not.
It was a part of my childhood, I remember our house in the village, I remember our room with my sister, I remember the pine trees making the crazy sound by the wind at nights and that made me really haunted and I was after some sort of quiet, peace, calm and self-presence but I did not understand this, I was just reacting to my fear.

In fact I've written about this already here in my blog some years ago when I started Desteni Process, but the Self-correction for this I never walked - so I start here and I will continue on walking Self-forgiveness and self-correction on my childhood's fear experiences.

Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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