[JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1

Continuing on investigation of lack of direct self-expression based on my previous post where I stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ideas, thoughts, memories, definitions how to sound direct, clear as myself here in and as the moment and allowing these to influence, direct me because I allowed myself to not trust myself here in all moments unconditionally always, constantly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accumulated lack of self trust as doubt specifically word by word, memory by memory to define who I am and at the same time by definition I've defined who I want to be and who I want to become and not realizing that the starting point is of and as doubt as fear as remaining who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider who I allowed myself to define by judgment, by comparison, by fear of and as inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I allow myself to exist within self-defined energetic state of inferiority, I am that, I am inferior to what I define separated from by lack of self-trust within the misunderstanding of who I am as perceiving myself to be as this definition-energy feedback system as mind instead of realizing I am what is physically here, as body, as presence, as life as breath as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define expression according to definition and not realizing that then the expression is not directly myself here but of and as the subject of definition which is separation and fear and never realizing/seeing/understanding the common sense to see back and directly become aware exactly the definition to stop myself participating within it and breathe and express directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use forgetting as excuse to not be aware what I did experience, think, define and say in the past meanwhile allowing it to influence, define, direct me and not realizing that this forgetting is not self-honest because as in this very moment I allow it to influence, define, direct me - then I can be aware of it exactly by being intimate, self-honest with myself and see exactly what I am accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always here who I made myself to be and as it is here - I can only not see who I am exactly, fully, entirely as within details as well if I define myself as separated from myself, as segregated from my creation of myself, powerless, inferior in relation to my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories because it seems to be a LOT and here who I experience myself to be is just this very undefine-able 'surface' of attention/focus/interest meanwhile I allow myself as limitation as only that what I define in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I use words as separation and for energy and by energy to stimulate me to move me and direct me and not be one and equal with and as the words as saying, writing, living the same all the time therefore creating friction, energy, conflict, what then drives me to ways I've defined as release automatically and then defining myself according to this charge up, release as I have never considered to see, realize, understand what I am exactly doing and in fact I can stop but at moments when I tried to stop when it was too much I was unable to stop and then defined this as myself and accepting it and feeling defeated and lost and hopeless meanwhile trying to get energy from other things such as sex, drugs, obsessions in order to accumulate energy to balance out this feeling, this momentum what feels like not right and constantly doing it and then judging that as me and when it starts to fall apart, protecting it and fearing to lose what I have apparently and not realizing it is all a lie, not me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in any moment I am not inner silence, empty as thoughtless, dark within - I accumulate energy and that energy will move me, direct me, be me but as accumulation of friction of inner reactions according to self-dishonesty as reaction to points what I can not embrace, direct, be with no separation, directly, physically but needing to balance out, to define, to react to: which are result of Self-dishonesty, specifically to the points I face and I fall into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself and express myself directly in every moment by wanting to be and express in ways what I've defined to be required to be who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be artistic within my expression instead of realizing that the very definition of artistic is of fear and judgment and not realizing that I can be honest to myself and express this honesty simply, directly, without any need of schema, pre-conception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are expressive ad not suppressive as artistic within their momentum to push into presence what they feel and not accumulate energy within and with that to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppressive and allowing myself to be as judgmental, reactive and then those judgments to keep within and first checking and testing and judging and then what I defined as cool, acceptable, then that allowing to express but never considering the fact that then it is not self-expression anymore in and as the moment undefined, but of friction, of inner movements and then the moment is gone, and then when seeing that it does not work, defining it as awkward, defining myself as awkward and wanting to 'test and sort' more within before expressing to avoid more 'latency' from direct expression of who I am not and never realizing the stupidity and starting point of fear that if I do not let go the inner policeman, I will always too late to be direct, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and have and maintain an idea within my head of who I am and how I am and what I do at circumstances and wanting to change, wanting to re-define and never considering that if I let go the definition, constant thought-based reflections, I can be direct and without definitions to influence, direct me I can actually stop, change, explore ways I've never defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest with myself within the self-definition of 'selfish', and not considering that the fear from selfishness is in fact selfish because it is obvious then I am dealing with an image of myself what is only mine what is not real and it is already that: selfish because it is only me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what self-expression is and what speaking properly is and not realizing that by self-definition of speaking I judge myself and compare myself to that and by definition I can not be directly speaking therefore if I consider who I want to be and who I do not want to be - I can not be myself because then I am this judgment who is not really I am as Life but accepting and allowing to be as mind as reactions as fear until I STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for energy for acting and speaking and by the energy reaction within defining that is it what I want or not, is it what is good or not, is it what I enjoy or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy feelings and without energy and without feelings defining myself as empty, blank, void and then defining that as bad, negative, avoidable and not realizing that without energy actually there is nothing what moves me and then feeling strange and unmotivated when nothing moves me and never considering that I can motivate myself, I can direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for energy to tell me who I am and what to do and when not feeling energy, energetic within me, then wanting to get energy by doing what gives me energy and not realizing that within that I compromise my Self-direction, Self-motivation because then energy will tell me who I am and what to do and will motivate, move, direct me because I never considered, dared myself to be motivation, direction, expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I was able to express by myself as motivating myself, directing myself, I've defined as not good, not enough and not realizing that I've stuck within this definition and comparison and judgment and using that to motivate me and find ways when I could define myself differently instead of realizing that I've separated myself by self-definition from the word motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation by myself when in fact not motivating myself and then not moving and then defining it as bad and defining energy and automatic responses and reactions within my environment to motivate, energize, direct me to ensure that I do not see and experience myself as lack of motivated when in fact I am not motivating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the fear from being separated from the word and it's meaning of: motivation, I've accepted being motivated by any means, even when it is not undefined, from within who I am as inner silence as Life directly, but of separation, fear, definition to have my motivation because I've put motivation in front of me because I've allowed myself to fear from not being motivated and then by that not moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not moving because then defining myself as not doing anything and then defining myself as not living, not progressing, not changing and I've defined myself and life as progress, change because who I accepted myself to be is not life and want to constantly progress within change to find me who I am and be motivated, not as myself here but as of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered self-motivation as self directly here undefined who I am as all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation and then by that not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself for constant need for movement because otherwise I am not who I want to be and moving by definition, of fear which is not really me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to stop and see that within movement I am not self movement because I've defined movement separated from me and fearing not moving is who I am so then by that fear motivating myself to move based on fear, not directly who I am here as Life.

I really suggest to try and walk Desteni I Process Lite course, as it supports within Self-investigation, Consistency, stability, Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - these tools are great for the ones who already realized the fact that can not trust within their own mind as manifested Self-dishonesty;
and also for those who are not entirely sure about that however they face difficulties within their life to stand and be responsible and enjoy direct, consistent self-expression.

[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.


Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

[JTL 34] Self-forgiveness: Facing what is difficult and why?

Continuing on decomposing Self-accepted definitions and automatism about the word: DIFFICULT.

• Context: [JTL 32] Self-forgiveness: stopping resonant fear from difficulty

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from difficulty, even when not really seeing it within conscious mind but for instance manifesting it as personality for instance not directly facing specific things or people just because defining that or them as 'uncomfortable' or 'not really wanting to do so' or wanting to find solutions other way around - or apparently 'forgetting it' when it would matter to do so - in fact I fear from difficulty - and I suppress it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from difficulty regarding to money questions, issues, businesses because defining it as uncomfortable, avoidable, not really my style, below my interest or 'having too less chance' and not realizing that I manifested this personality not directly fearing from the things what required in order to stabilize my financial status but the definitions I've allow within myself to come up automatically regarding to the word difficulty, to the circumstances regarding to difficulty, for instance about money, women and directly expressing myself as I want but judging it as too raw for others so then holding myself back and not really saying, doing so what and how I want in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within holding myself back in fact I am manifesting limitations with what facing I am experiencing frustration and within that compounding emotions what I suppress and then compounding, mostly anger towards myself transformed into a some formed of suppressed depression within what I do not act, move and direct myself immediately when I experience the need to do so within myself because of the self-accepted programming of self-definitions automatically make me behave in the way what with I can face the less difficulty and uncomfortably and wanting to equate it with pleasant and apparently self-defined as 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to ever realize that by generating good feelings I actually actively do support my own negative feelings by energizing the whole mind within my human physical body and within the mind all the wired habits and automatic energetic movements fuel and boost all parts of my mind equally what I do not see because the the occupation of pursuit of good feelings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I disregard my human physical body here - then I am giving away the only possible solution for myself to stop all delusions here because within physical stability it is only possible and without physical flesh body - I am not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prioritize experiences beyond my human physical body here and all what is already here.

I forgive myself that I have never ever allowed myself to realize why I am literally bound to feel good and make myself to manifest situations wherein I MUST feel good but within the starting point of energy, of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within always working with energy and juggling with all the positive and negative energy I have manifested myself as completely missing the life force within and as myself who I really am here as the flesh as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that until I do not forgive and let go practically all self-definitions regarding to what I've defined as feeling good - I am literally bound to and as the polarities of energetic mind as who I've programmed myself to be to suppress life from the physical as consciousness system what will not last when the body dies - only consequences of disregarding all life here.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that all thoughts within represent a self-dishonesty within myself but I've been taught and formed by society and then others in a way what promotes suppression, thinking and the mind to dominate real physical body here - and anyone says that I should accept thoughts is clearly lost in oblivion and can not be taken seriously at all until proven to be standing here within and as the physical.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the temptation of believing of others that thinking is alright and thinking is directly myself - because within giving into something what apparently all other does - feels good but in fact I start to suppress a some sort of anger towards myself because of the self-acceptance of insanity within by myself I am busy manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficulty as uncomfortable and unpleasant because within my past I've defined it as so within not realizing that because I've defined myself as unable to change, unable to solve, unable to comprehend, unable to embrace and unable to direct the subject of that specific 'difficulty' without investigating it and myself within common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain specific things within my life as normal, easy, eased, simple, natural - with what I do not face difficulty - only as challenging, fascination, motivation - and 'having' certain aspects and areas within my life what I've defined as difficult, uncomfortable, frustrating, avoidable.

I am going to continue with the investigation of the challenging/difficult polarities defined within me towards these aspects and areas of my life.


For perspective:

[JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

Stopping all mind-fear-desire-based relationships within and without what is not best for all - like this:

I've written some time ago some self-forgiveness about myself crying, but this one is the opposite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when hearing and seeing someone is crying and she/he says that it is because of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when somebody is crying in front of me or in the phone and within that blame forgetting everything I am all aware of because of this intense experience of remorse and regret and blame towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from somebody is crying in front of me and making it obvious that it is because of me, what I did or what I did not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in fact really I've caused the reason for why the person is crying in front of me and stating that it is because of me - and within the fear of I might be responsible - in fact I do lose awareness as inner silence+empty mind+breathing here within self-judgment and reactions towards words without even being aware of that I am losing presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that someone who is crying could stop crying and everything would become solved within a single moment just because I want so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from someone is crying in front of me who is an adult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that when children cry, that is normal, therefore by the definition of 'when children cry is normal' I am not aware of any inner disturbing within and also the reason for why the child cries, regardless of why is crying for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad automatically when somebody is crying what I perceive as I can not help stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound energies within myself so much by reacting towards crying that from a moment I want to do anything to just stop the person crying and not realizing that within that starting point I am not for solution, but for stopping the experience within myself to stop what I've defined as not good and I can not direct within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad according to the feelings I experience within myself without questions.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within not questioning the experiences within myself - I am automatically reacting to circumstances, situations, people, events and basically anything what my senses process throughout my mind, my brain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to solve, stop, remove the already manifested consequence such as somebody crying; only because of my inner reactions towards the intensity of experiencing consequence, such as crying and my reactions towards it as too much and as 'not good' - instead of realizing that this does not SOLVE the problem, only the currently sensible consequence I want to stop experiencing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not face the core of the manifested consequence, the reason how and why it happened - I do not stop it manifesting, only I put effort to stop experiencing it for a while for my interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from experiencing manifested consequences, such as somebody is crying to me and saying that I am causing this, and wanting to do anything what stops that - I am not solving the problem within the interest of all participants here equally, meaning the person who experiences suffering and crying and me who experience the crying through self-judgments and through reactions and self-definitions such as 'not good' and in fact I only consider myself when wanting to stop the cry just to stop facing the consequence, to want to stop being directly aware of my direct responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined myself automatically responsible and in fact feeling some sort of self-defined 'guilt' when somebody is crying 'to me' - and not realizing that at times it is might not be 'me, myself' only who is responsible but the person who is reacting to something, what is being exerted as crying - but within the self-judgment I do see only myself as responsible, fallen, guilty and not considering the other's responsibility as well and within that moment I forget everything, I forget what is my source, I forget what is my presence, I forget what is my direction, I forget myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to form any relationship with anybody who wants me to take the relationship 'seriously', who wants me to be part of 'her' life because of the fear that I might do something what with I am causing the other experience some sort of pain and within that will go into a crying to me that I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seriously taken in any form of relationship because within self-judgment I've defined myself as irresponsible and untrustworthy and not somebody who can be trusted because of the experiences I've defined within regarding to somebody is crying to me that I am responsible for that suffering and cry yet I am not sure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want myself to - in fact desire myself not to be responsible for any crying around me, because I've defined myself within the experiences of 'being cried to' as I am a bad person because the person told me and then I've reacted to it with fear that it might be like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad person because somebody is crying to me multiple times when I stick to the words what I speak because those words I've taken seriously and by that I've defined myself as somehow 'defined and protected' from being taken seriously within and without a relationship, only being taken seriously as the words 'should not be taken seriously'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act exactly the words I speak equal as one with my actions and therefore somebody who would only look my actions what are not exactly the same what I speak - might misunderstand my words - and vice versa - when I am doing something what is not exactly the same as I say - and then if someone would take my words then would experience me differently within action than what I've said.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participating within the inner reactions as accepting and following thoughts, feelings and emotions I forget the principle of 'what I speak is what I act as equal as one' because within action I react with what I've defined myself as within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that within reacting to fear I might not need to to fear anymore because the reaction towards my self-defined, self-created self-experienced fear would stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my 'virtual location' within my mind wherein my perceived 'presence' as a pointer within consciousness system, I can experience myself as one thing at a time within duality, within self-definition, and in that time only that - in front of the everything else what is undefined within polarity and within a chain-reaction of self-definition line - I am reacting to my pre-programmed personality by reflecting back to myself who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that it is a program, and within that program I completely disregard the wholeness of Life as my human physical body, as the silent and empty mind within action as all other beings within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined the self-definition system within as precious what I've defined as it is always with me, even at times when everything seems very difficult and intense and not what I can define as 'good' - so then within the self-definition self-created inner chain-reaction - I am occupied, I am energetic, I am fast - and within fast inner reaction system I experience some sort of vibration and resonance and within that resonance I can be angry and raging and totally giving myself into that because apparently there is no consequence and I can let go everything of me without here within physical reality manifesting consequences - and not realizing that this is exactly the way I diminish myself from here as physical yet still manifesting the inner reactions as physical consequences - exactly manifesting what I've defined I am in a 'fearful relationship within'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I do - instead of simply stop and change - and within the automatic self-defined reactions I do not even consider changing because within myself as mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions I always change, I always evolve, I always combine and mutate and within that I define myself because in reality, within the physical all what I experience is nothing of me really changing, only with enormous effort of energy involvement and that only for so long as long giving the energy into what I 'create within my mind'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stop giving energy into the system - the system stops - and if I maintain an experience of myself based on energy - then when the energy is over - then that experience of myself is also gone.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within pursuing good feelings and energy in fact I am gathering and accumulating energy to balance out the energies within what I've defined as 'negative' and 'bad' - and within self-definition of energetic addiction I am lost within this occupation and not realizing that direct physical change does not require any energy but simple and dedicated decision and then living to that in all moments until it is here and remaining absolutely aware of that point as myself as decision as the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with someone who with I always manifest the same circumstances what I've defined as 'good for me' and not realizing how exactly manifesting the feelings of 'good' and 'bad' and within the cycles of pursuing one and avoiding the other - in fact I am inside reacting to specific self-defined reactions one after an other, many times but within self-definition, at a time always reacting to something with a specific one and that is automatic and within that reaction the energy I experience I accumulate and compound and with that energy I shift perception and continue inner reactions and within the constant inner reactions I am automatically reacting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the equal and one relationship for what I exactly participate within reality meanwhile experiencing certain specific inner reactions within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project the responsibility of myself out for the one who is experiencing the consequences of my starting point and within blaming her(or him) - I am able to blame myself and within self-blame I react inside and within that losing direct presence within reaction in fact I lose the awareness of what I actually do with what starting point in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop blame in each moments I participate within by the hope that this time I will not be exposed and in the hope that it might be true if I do it with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use blame towards others the same ways as I use blame towards myself for instance blaming someone for an experience I have about not doing what speaking and not realizing that the starting point of such act is that I blame myself for not speaking and acting equal and one the same always and sometimes taking my words granted yet my actions are not equal and one and that I define as 'shit' and then wanting to solve it but within reacting to thoughts and feelings and emotions - I am not aware of the fact that it is from blame to myself - and then meanwhile experiencing somebody else as well - then I blame the person because meanwhile I react to the person as well - and it's like there is always only 'one subject' of my mind - and I have the subject of 'myself' within self definition in a moment and when experiencing something about or with someone and then I am in the 'context' of self-blame - and then I react to something what somebody else says/does - while still within self-blame - and then I see that I am physically in the context of 'somebody else' - and the inner reactions are so automatic, so fast that then I do not see that under my conscious-ness - I've switched 'subject' of my self-definition - but the blame not - therefore blaming the other for what I experience, however I am directly responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and then becoming angry at myself because since from the beginning I had a slight fear that this would manifest and then I reacted to that with fear that there is a chance and saying 'probability' and 'possibility' of 'experiencing anger towards myself' while in fact I had the fear of might manifesting such - but as I've previously defined myself as 'no fear' - I did not want to face the fact that I did lie to myself about in fact I fear but within not seeing it in the moment because of constant inner occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - I make myself believe that therefore I do not fear, and from that I define myself as somebody 'who does not fear' - and then comparing and trying to aligning that to reality what obviously at times will not work and then I will be anxious and frustrated.


--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from events when this crying thing hits me and I am reacting to, learning meaning that realizing the self-dishonesty within and deciding to stop participate and then really stopping participating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this crying is not going to happen simply because I really do not want to experience it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that if I want to avoid emotional bursts, I should stick to writing daily and focus and discipline myself really stopping because as I see the emotional bursts of an other is showing me what I accept and allow within and without as equal and one therefore I am not effective within stopping this particular pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not stopping this particular pattern what is causing emotional bursts what causing the other in crying like a pattern and my self-judgment and anger and wanting to stop the crying and wanting to escape from it because I do not want to really change my pattern towards this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to leave the circumstances what cause this particular pattern to manifest because of self-definitions I've 'put' into as how much worthy this relationship means to me and not considering what is the result as being unstable, inconsistent, reactive and in fact self-judgmental within the starting point of fear from facing consequence, facing really the pattern of how exactly being responsible such manifestations not for myself only but for other participants as well.
I forgive myself that sometimes I am expecting people around me to be stable and consistent and trustworthy and not realizing that within these situations when I am within self-judgment regarding to crying, in fact I am not consistent, not stable and not trustworthy as I am busy reacting to the consequence what I want to stop such as the other is crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be absolutely self-honest with myself in all moments and even if so, then at times forgetting that I do not want to be with somebody who cries that easily or if really me, myself causing this directly then I do not want to be responsible for that because in the moment I directly see that I am not effective within stopping that, so I do want to 'return' to the least conflict to experience within my life and use the tools of daily writing to stabilize myself for a while without the need and desires for a sexual relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I've manifested it is mine and I can not escape and within that wanting to correct it, wanting to solve it, and wanting to re- and re-turn to this relationship again and again and again wanting to fix it, wanting to change it and not realizing that until I do not change myself within, the relationship will remain the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to change my attitude and starting point towards relationships, and this one particular meanwhile being within it as at times the reactions are still faster than my self-direction and then I am becoming more reactive than directive and then causing something what makes the other crying what makes me extremely difficult to remain stable within my application because I question myself and the relationship and the other again and again and again and within common sense I simply want to stop this madness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the other participant of this relationship wants me to remain within the relationship regardless of what I experience, regardless of what she experiences and when asking why then 'because I love you' makes me nuts and wanting to just run away as far as I can and then I go into the pattern of guilt and remorse and then not realizing that I do not slow down and in fact speed up within self-judgments and reactions and emotions and in that moment I do not use common sense what is simply stop the relationship, stop the cause for self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts for why I should rebound this relationship with the person who I do not see common sensically practical to walk with simply because of the fear from not being sure, fearing making one more mistake what would again cause the other crying and then I would have to face that again and fearing then that in that facing I might go into self-judgments that much so then I feel the guilt and the desire for trying it again and then I might try it again to be in the relationship what has proven since some years now that is not effective, not really supporting within physical stabilization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to going into a relationship where is no agreement, where is no guarantee that emotional storms will not happen, or if so then directed, walked according to a principle of what is best for all participants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a relationship what clearly did not work ever within the hope that the 'relationship' could be transformed into a supporting agreement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the fear from relationship about what it would end up being as emotional shitstorms - I've taken granted the part of myself, an aspect of myself what is directing me to go into the same pattern again and again and again and not really taking responsibility for myself directly seeing how exactly I am responsible for such pattern and then simply realizing that I am separating myself from myself within the fear from going into a relationship what is not principled walk as equals - in fact I am manifesting the exact same thing instead of deciding to simply directing myself to remain within my decision to not rebound such a thing within a real, constant, stable, without energies decision what I can stand within and without unconditionally.

--
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within acting out based on self-judgment I have the tendency of going into the pattern of wanting to feel good what has been one of the primary occupation I always did: entertainment within I can calm myself and occupy myself to let go, to enjoy myself for a moment and within enjoyment 'breaking the spell' of self-judgment and then wanting to continue my process of letting go and not realizing that this pattern is not direct self here but of and as pattern what is not directly me but a some sort of compromise and by that in fact not walking as principle when it really matters, when I've walked into self-abdication and then forgetting the very thing what limits me, the self-judgment for not changing until the whole circle manifests again and then facing it again with the same starting point - instead of realizing that when I experience self-dishonesty, in the moment I re-align, in the moment I change, in the moment I stabilize myself without the need for 'letting the steam out', going into a self-defined enjoyment as entertainment for a moment to 'rest' what is also a polarity manifestation of and as the mind through feelings, thoughts, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as seeking and doing entertainment when I forget myself as principle as life as what is best for all and for myself as equal as one and walk the mind as myself into inner silence through using the tools as writing in self-honesty, writing, saying and LIVING self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements and in the moment of physical participation when it really MATTERs, really changing without fear from unknown, without fear from changing and fearing from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences of changing and fear from facing the unknown what is undefined and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to define everything because within the energetic reaction within self-definition I have an energy what I can apparently use for my mind to fuel 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically deny and define as difficult to walk through when apparently facing energies what I've linked to, defined as, judged like negative within the fear of being tainted and transformed and changed by energies what are apparently 'negative'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being defined by others as bad and negative when I am facing energies what seem to be as 'negative' and 'dark' and simply questioning its origin and how I am participating within the responsibility of creating and separating such entities and energies what direct me and the reality around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being a negative and bad person when questioning good feelings and what is the reason for such occupations within the principle of equality and oneness and the unification of man here within and as the physical.

I'll continue with Self-correction

&& What I enjoyed recently, and always, is this series at EQAFE:

[JTL Day 11] Coming down to Earth from ACID-tripping away

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Okay, a self-responsibility point. Some psychedelic drug stories.
Some might disagree, some don't. It doesn't matter. I write out, I let go, I remain undefined.
If you have different view, please share!
Here is one interview from 'beyond the grave'
So.
It's about ACID. This singular word within me can bring up a whole network-halo interconnected with several branches, and the first branch of it I walk here of why I did the TRIPS within my mind.
I stopped using it since some years, before I started Desteni process, my last trip was in Thailand, with a French and a Japanese guy at an awesome psychedelic trance party and then I've realized it is obvious now that I am not supporting myself with it - maybe the first couple ones were cool to explode some shit to the surface of myself but after then it was of and as self-definition, so better to walk this path as it is coming up here.
I do not have to hunt after Self-dishonesties within and as me - I am walking and when the shit comes, I walk through or it will loop and intensify - and the subject I am referring to is obviously myself.
Any separation within me defined by myself as mind about my mind can not be valid, as any reason and justification I experience within my internal feedback system through thoughts, feelings and emotions is always a mirror of myself saying hello from my past when I've made the consequence with a specific acceptance and allowance of a conditional act of self-dishonesty.
So also I am walking through the judgments I have with LSD.
And I must pronounce I do not say LSD is BAD - but it is not GOOD either. It just is. Of this world. But the experience with the stuff is rather 'far' from any 'liberation' - it tweaks the mind, but all human's mind is using the physical body to get energy from - that is just a note for consideration. I see also that my body is not first class commando-capable in any moment now and I am not that old - I lived many years reckless and just run around not seeing far more than a meter and that was a process but seeing more far here I start to consider my body as equal as one as myself, no separation, no definition. Because any relationship I form within and as my mind - I am defined, limited, even when not realizing that.
So I have quite some vocabulary and word-relationship within my mind - regarding to drugs and I was unaware of that if I do not walk this trough, I am being influenced by people who might do 'stuff' - and it can even occur that I am not even aware of this influence. It is how I've emerged from childhood, I have tendency to be influenced by other humans -  especially with those who I've defined as likeness or goodness - defined but long time ago. So I walk the writing and put the words within and as me in front of me on the screen and seeing these words equal and one as who I am in this moment - I can walk through these self-accepted definition relationships within my mind what is being accessed, energized each time for instance I hear specific words, I am sure you also have some words what you not really like to hear or say or there are some what you like to hear or say because of the self-accepted perceived relationship you are responsible for maintaining and it is common sense to stop. So walking through these words I can walk trough reactions and layers of automatized self-acceptance regarding to things and defining the whole rule-set within the fuzzy-logic energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions as they form relationships within ourselves with ourselves and the physical reality and others around us.
But to have a self-willed directive power here within the consideration of what is best for all is not possible until our relationship towards and within everything is not equal and one with ourselves, because then there is separation, there is definition, control, reaction.
So the key is to realize with words is how I am standing within relationship regarding to these words and not within and equal and one relationship, but of and as perceived separations by the words, what I walk here to be able to forgive and correct and re-align myself:

Wondering about who I am currently as some people even said to me that I could not become who I am without acid, and of course, but it was a phase in my life, I do not judge, I've had my moments, I've even enjoyed myself but not much people can really be aware of the physical consequences within and as our human physical body by these substances in long term and myself personally and you can send me feedback about how you see this that also there was a Desteni Portal interview about ACID(do you have the link for this one specific interview?;) how it was intensifying the mind by seeping of physical-life-substance-energy to transfer it to fuel the mind - and fascinatingly enough the mind was overcharged so many times with the stuff that at some points I even came close to really stop my mind for ever - but what I did not realize that currently I am not aware of how the mind is imbued and ingrained within and as the physical and without the mind operating so many functions within and as my human body, that without it I could simply just collapse.
Because that we, humans all became, energetic entities and without mind-energy we do not really move.
I even can experience that when I wake up I experience a some sort of dream-thought-waving experience within I am fueling up my mind and then me, become conscious and then waking up and then sitting, standing up.
So this is an other topic, but it is really the question of Self-honesty how fast one can walk through releasing all the self-delusions and really change within the consideration of what is best for all.

And MANY I had contact from this part of my life seems to still define themselves through drugs,  but for me it was never the issue. I always knew that as long I do the drugs, I can not be constant and consistent here - because it crawls up on me and it hits and then I flow and then it's depleting and then it's gone - and by these states I am influenced, directed - and by the influence I change perception and how and why I change perception was always the question, and wanting to 'realize' for ever more to not needing to take stuff anymore.
For me is the truth, the real truth of me and the reality with never changing undeniable eternal facts I was always 'looking for' - - for long years outside of me and I was looking this truth everywhere else but Here where and who I am in this moment.
So it is common sense to stop the seek and working on myself to be able to become comfortable with me and stop the conflicts within me what makes me change all the time but not as I want but as it happens.
So for me to let go the ACID was never a question, I did it until I was able to persuade myself that it is really supporting me but when the last trip happened, it was clear that it is just an energy blast within my mind what my body will take, what is the only real of me currently. So this body better write and write instead of think and react, or if I still think and react, then I write that down and walking the Self-forgiveness and Self-correction to really stop reacting to thoughts and stopping the thoughts by slowing myself down to be able to stop the thoughts before they 'occur'.

Also within this human law system these stuffs are mostly prohibited and absolutely illegal so if you are coming from that point of view, this is just a novel what I've made up to have fun and have an 'example' of walking through perceived self-definitions what limit me without me being aware of it.

For instance in the country I am being, even there are steps within law that somehow censoring personal blogs if it would intimidate the current government establishment, and that is quite bold because these guys can decide what it really means, what is so ridiculous that I am not writing about that any more words here.

So, acid, the "fire of St Anthony"

I was quite physically irritated from the very being I’ve became by consistently battling several conflicts within and as me throughout my previous years by the delusional realms of thoughts, feelings and emotions – and with ACID and similar drugs I was able to 'engineer' a kind of blank state, a fluid yet solid; some sort of empty mind experience what (according to my perception in that time) I was unable to attain without re-creating these virtual-death experiences within my mind through inducing energetic warfare by taking these substances.

And the goal was to be able to just look at something without having these judgments and reactions, apparently 'automatically', just me seeing an object in 3D with a fucking quiet mind, like no past, no future, not even 'now' but a presence what reach REALITY; what does not seem anybody around me was able to do, even the 'masters' seemed to be just like ordinary humans in terms of reacting to thoughts, feelings and emotions.
(In that time it was not clear like that, it was more on a resonant level, by that time I've referred to this as some sort of animal instinct)

So within the LSD trip I have my moments indeed, but I was never absolutely satisfied when I started to 'come back' to who I was from the experience of perceptional 'frequency change' within my mind.
Interestingly enough, I've uploaded quite some amount of VLOGS about these some years ago to my first youtube channel, talamoon, so if you are curious, here are some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ2n0&list=PLDD5657342E90A9DE

But after the trip was over,(whohoho, when the trip is over?), I mean when the judgment came within and as me as self accepting thoughts without questioning about 'okay, this is the point from now on the trip is 'officially' over. From now on I am 'back as who I was as myself' again.

And then I've tried to convince myself that 'the trip never ends' yet I was again facing my suppression as the default starting point towards everything what I did not enjoy within and as myself and the reality around me.

For instance for a while I was tripping weekly because after some days the inner reality of me was again re-forming, re-integrating into my action - so then I had the perception that I have to 'clear the board again and start over' - so then I was working on intensifying the trips so that when it flips, 'I' would never come back, as all hippie's dream is about: never ending trip - because within that state - I was able to just be quiet - because of the high dose of LSD or psylocibin(mushroom) or very rarely combined with MDMA(Ectasy) - and that 'extra' energy I did not realize back then that it was taking from my physical body, my tissues - but by that energy - I was able to just unify and liquify all of my mind and remain quiet inside.

So then I was intensifying the trips in order to maximalize the 'profit': the time being experienced within a quiet mind. Trance party

Some who at parties take these stuffs for 'just party' might smile on all the reasons for I've taken these stuffs and apparently having party but the starting point for me was always because of this 'shut fuck up, mind!' perception was - since from a moment it was never a choice to become this investigator of mind and reality and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable or not comfortable around me about the roles what they take in their life so to speak, but I never could really settle down - from family what I learned is that we are demons in hell, from movies I've learned without ego any money I remain powerless slave of surviving, from school I've learned if I can absorb faster and more knowledge and information than others, I am better, from love and relationships I've experienced also some sort of obsession and fear, with alcohol my family given enough example that it is straight goes to hell with it for long term, in that time I was really introverted and only I could really be comfortable with machines, computers and animals and alone and very-very some people - so I did not really see many choices, but to investigate and try out different living-styles because from where I emerged, it was a clear example that anything but this, and it was not 'bad', they 'loved' me, still my mother would give up her anything if it would require, do not misunderstand this, but she also got the fear and teach fear what is not required. Okay, I've written quite some about that some years ago here already, so I REALLY wanted change, especially after years of tripping with white light experiences, I've perfected my tripping techniques what I trusted that I do that and I will change.

I could fill a book just with those techniques but fortunately I've found a much-much more practical solution with Desteni for the same reason but I had to change my starting point and restart living from scratches within and as the principle of Equality and Oneness as Self as Life as the Physical. Try it to apply it within common sense and see it for yourself - but you are always equal and one with and as what you are within/ what you are experiencing, what you suffer from, what you deny or fight, everything is always, constantly SELF.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with any chemical substance what induce perceptional and energetic shifts within me will help me to be a better person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope in any way whatsoever and not realizing the consequence of it as playing a casino with expecting to win regardless of anything but my interest, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to remain like I am currently regarding to my self-accepted and allowed relationships towards the points I feel I am existing within conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the perception of separation I perceive myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself that I do not what I should do and wanting others to tell me what to do and who I am because I do not know who I am and wanting to trust writings, scriptures, substances, others because wanting to polarize-back my energetic valuesystem of experiencing myself as not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body wherein and as I exist and consist of as my self-responsibility within and as physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe/hope that my responsibility ends with my border of my human physical body, meaning only my body I am responsible for and not realizing the context I am within and as equal as one as this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking actually I am thinking as myself fully here within presence and not realizing that when I think and I react to my thoughts, I am absolutely not here with and as all what is here but within self-separated self-secluded self-defined self-internal-feedback system what is of and as thoughts, emotions, feelings what is the resonant result of my constant and consistent Self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to being told what is the truth, my truth, actually I am disempowering my Self-honesty and Self-intimacy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my first LSD experience as this is what I have to do but more in order to experience myself in an apparently more free view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that using LSD for stopping my thoughts and feelings and emotions is always conditional and limited and will not last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to boost my mind in order to be able to use it to transcend it as a separate entity within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the physical consequences of LSD within and as my human physical body as seeping off the life force to fuel mind consciousness system to have an apparently 'more real' experience and not realizing that within the starting point I was already compromised because I've defined myself according to two separate circumstances as 'tripping' and 'not tripping'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the word 'tripping' meanwhile apparently weakening my human physical body here experience I was always aware of that by 'tripping away' I was abdicating my self-responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acid as good or bad instead of realizing that what I project to it it is of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and totemize the acid instead of realizing that everything I've defined within and as me according to the word acid and LSD - is only of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with LSD I will be able to realize myself in a way that within a trip I will be flipped over and not coming back and not realizing that I was already 'was aware of' what I was doing in terms of finding words for what I did as 'wanting to go away from here' and 'not wanting to come back to who I've became and who I've defined myself to be' because I've defined myself as screwed up and I could not change myself and I wanted to start it over, with a blank new start, with a clear sheet by becoming 'tripping' constantly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was tripping and having these experiences - after the experience was gone, I've defined these experiences according to who I've defined myself to be before/meanwhile/and after taking the acid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the common sense within writing everything down how and why and what exactly I experiece but wanting to be able to disregard anything of and as me regardless of any physical consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within and as my mind as consciousness system, I was always, constantly and consistently dependent on the human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I've defined it as a separate entity from me as I've defined myself as consciousness and within that definition I was unable to have any personal power to change who I was because all I did was disregarding my physical reality, started with disregarding my own human physical body and wanting to constantly take refuge only within experience and not realizing that it will not last and it is always self-dishonesty to not consider reality what I am actually sharing with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as prison and limitation and punishment and obstacle and as a piece of meat what I am bound to for a reason I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a one single moment of realization which trough I can immediately be free and not needing to face the consequences of my acts and for what I am and who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within this world to happen and not realizing that within the want and hope I skipped to realize that constancy and consistency is imperative within real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a trip, an experience to change me for ever to end the conflicts within me and not realizing that these conflicts I am reacting to, I am in fact responsible for maintaining them within and as me by a willful participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions because everyone is doing the same, because it is what has been taught to me, because all I've got was this, and my family was also like this, and everybody around me defined themselves according to these inner reactions(thoughts, feelings and emotions).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within this world even if all human tend to define themselves according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I still can be constant and consistent and unwavering within my starting point of disregarding my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'shit' because I was unable to stop my mind in one breath and not realizing that stopping me would take time as it was time for becoming who I am currently and within physical reality, the time is the test for what is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I experience because within remaining undefined, I can never have an apparently valid knowledge within myself for to react with another self-definition to have an energetic experience within me to feel myself as I've defined as 'good'.
I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to desire to end all conflicts within and as me and not realizing that I can stop being CONFin-ed within Self-IN-flict-I-on simply becoming aware of my patterns and how and why I've became as conflict and writing all down to put myself to front of me and seeing it as who I am as words and relationships between words and understanding the decisions I've made in my past which through I've formed myself for who I experience myself to be and making the decision to change even when I do not know what will happen but it is obvious that within Self-honesty I can not accept myself as conflict anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because I have NO knowledge about what will happen when I change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change and only actually change when compounding the conflict within me and then severing from conflict compounding frustration and when it is too much then moving to change what is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do weekly acid trips, then I can keep myself clean from my own mind's intoxication until something more or new will happen what will be my interest and not realizing that giving into any quantum-moment to hope I have no chance because hope makes me wonder and not acting and within physical existence only act is real, I can not feed my body with hope, I actually have to eat physical food.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the conflicts within me and wanting to end the conflict by understanding and knowing myself but wanting to battle over and dominate my energetic mind-dominion with an apparently more strong energy, the LSD.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that since I've emerged within and as this physical existence I accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict by seeing all the abuse around me and more far from my senses all around the world being done to others and reacting with a feeling of sadness and apathy and dis-empowerment and fear what I've suppressed as I could not handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in terms of while experiencing myself on drugs perceiving others how they are really suffering and my sufferings seemed very minor according to how I've seen others in real physical pain and misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I could not really take the impact of how I perceived the world and others as really being in hell but themselves might not even realize how much they suffer because of the constant occupation within and as their mind and seeing this I was crushed by the fact that I could not do anything as I was not even being aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save others and wanting to help others and not realizing meanwhile I was disregarding myself, and focusing to changing what I really can: myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined to be my responsibility to help others and change the world because apparently I did not see anybody else REALLY doing it yet reacting to this self-made conclusion as -I am in doubt that I can really save the world and not realizing the common sense to save myself from myself first.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered/realized/seen that by defining my thoughts and the thinking process and the same with feelings and having feelings and emotions as directly myself and trusting these within and as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as avoidable because within emotional states I've became absolutly and totally automatic within reaction what made me experience myself in a way cold regardless of the heat of emotions, because within reactions I was really closed and limited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions as weakness because within emotions I was unable to control myself because I was defining myself according to constant controling myself because within the fear that if I do not control myself, I could lose myself and then I would do something stupid and irresponsible what I would regret to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances within my manifested physically to write down everything exactly I think, experience, feel, because within writing I am actually assisting and supporting myself to acknowledge the patterns of self-dishonesty, because then I would be more aware of how and why I accept myself as self-dishonesty and within accepting myself to do so I could not stop judging myself as full of shit when seeing directly my responsibility and still not changing in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of writing down everything what I consist of as thoughts, feelings, emotions because then I would have to fear from not changing because who I've became also was not an self-aware decision but of outer conditioning and inner reactions but within self-definition I had an apparent knowledge about how to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to surviving and not realizing that within surviving I consist of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-induced perceptional mind-death experiences through psychedelic drugs I wanted to have an experience of death to know what it is and not fearing from it because I've defined really fearful what I do not know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing myself according to life and death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the starting point of fear what I entail of is of reacting to what is not real, what is not here, but of knowledge and information what is not being placed into practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define perceived 'mind-death' experiences as cheating within reincarnation, and perceiving myself as like reincarnating after each acid trip because within the trip something always changed and that change I've defined as because of death and even defining it as apparently 'joy' to blow my mind within the perception of some sort of 'attainment'.

Okay we've reached the point of 'enlightenment'. That will be in an other post.

Self corrective statements to re-align my starting point as life as all as equal as one within and as the physical.

When and as I experience myself wanting to just skip an experience within and as me, I realize I have the tendency to react automatically with wanting to energetically 'surge' my mind-state with something what would change my perception, coffee, weed or even green tea, computer game or sexual arousement - and then I realize this patterns I've walked many times and proven to me that it is not fully me, so I stop, I take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing and committing myself to really deal with the issues what I want to skip, escape from.
When and as I experience any reaction to the word LSD or ACID, I stop, I breathe, I let go everything here, I am aware of all my definitions are self-created lies and traps what to if I react, I will timeloop with the exact same point what I do not wish, so I simply stop, breathe, disengage, I forgive myself specifically and I focus on what I am actually doing before the distraction as inner reaction.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is good, great, I stop, I breathe, and I realize how I experienced myself with my last trip and the extensive tiredness and intensified mind-experience was really physically uncomfortable what was simply facing myself with a velocity of an artillery what I do not want anymore.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is bad, shit, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that judging it as negative is the same as judging it as positive, and if I do not want to take it then I do not take it and that's all.
When and as I would consider taking acid in a mind-state wherein it would be a great idea, I stop, I breathe, I realize I react by thoughts, feelings and emotions what I've created when I was not aware of the physical consequence of having a starting point of mind mind and in fact I've made the decision to not take any more trips because it is not supporting me as Life.
When and as I want to take a trip on mushroom, I realize I've stopped it some years ago because I've made the decision to not induce my mind with trips anymore because first I'd rather become comfortable with and as myself than trying to make chemical warfare within and as my mind, especially having already physical reference of that the real change and real realizations I've made are by Self-honest writing and applying Self-forgiveness so that is my way, regardless of the intensity of the experience what would make me react to starting to want tripping with mushroom.
When and as I having an inner reaction that a woman who I would define as attractive or important or really fascinating would want me to take trip, I stop reacting and I remain here and I am breathing within awareness of I've made the decision and compromising myself because of a desire what is directly sexual desire or linked with a layer of hope of sexual desire - I stop, I become aware of my physical and principled living based on Self-honesty and presence and common sense.
When and as I fear that I might be punished by the system establishment for I had these experiences or I am sharing about these experiences - I stop, I take responsibility and I use common sense based on what is best for me and best for all equally.
When and as I have the inner reaction to recklessly and irresponsibly wanting to endanger my process by playing russian-rulett with the establishment's law enforcement about how they would react if I would tell them how substances I've taken what they would react to as illegal and punishable - I breathe, I let it all go and I am here as presence and using common sense.
When and as I am experiencing fading my presence within and as my human physical body, I realize, my Location is within and as my human physical body and wherever I would go from this, that I stop, and if I can not change within this, I write down and I investigate and I walk through within Self-honesty to make sure that I am aware of that I am Here as my Location and the only thing I can trust is myself as my human physical body as reality.
When and as I do not experience my body, I stop, I breathe here as self, I become aware of my limbs, my fingers, especially on my feet, because from my mind's perspective that is quite far, as almost 2 meters away from my head, and by becoming aware of it, becoming aware of my toes and as I move my toes, I re-align myself here as the physical yet not defining this at all but remain inner silent and push my expression here within self-aware breathing, one by one, slowly, constantly.
When and as I want to speed up my process, I realize I can only speed up become Self-honest and change in one breath by willing myself to change and actually exploring my change, regardless of what will happen next.
When and as I am with others doing psychedelic drugs, I remain here as physical presence and undefined within and expressing myself within breathing and physical acting.

Self-commitment statements to really change:
I commit myself to investigate all experiences and reactions within myself regarding to the word LSD and acid.
I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations according to tripping.
I commit myself to stop wanting to get high because of anything.
I commit myself to disengage and release and delete and remove all associations and inner reactions arising within me regarding to the words LSD and acid to release the past and be always constantly here.
I commit myself to STOP wanting/desiring/acting to become energetically intensified and end all conflict within and as me by force.
I commit myself to be responsible for each act I do.
I commit myself to PREVENT harm by choosing first already what is best for all and within writing and Self-forgiveness actually preparing myself practically LIVING my decision and not using the excuse that "I did not want this but this is how it turned out, I am sorry", what is a deliberate self-dishonesty because I can prepare myself to act according to principle.
I commit myself to stop accepting any conflict within and as me and in one breath daring myself to be absolutely Self-honest and living physically and disregarding the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself directly and undefined in every moment.

Okay this should be also a series, many points I opened here.
Possible continuation titles from here:

1. Re-aligning self-starting point from drug-minded to and as self physical here
2. Digging about people persuading me
3. Walking through patterns of I persuaded people
4. Walking through persuasion and spiritualism and drugs
5. Psychedelic drug symbolism construct release
6. Self-projection future creation path of enlightenment to hell backtracking

 Thanks for reading, enjoy Breath and Try Self-forgiveness on stuff what you are bothered with within and as you and dare to change according to a Self-willed decision within Self-honesty - on an addiction, a fixation, a compulsion, an obsession, an impossible desire to fulfill or a fear or anything  just write and expand - it's free and the best for you, for me and for all;)

[JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

This is walking the mind to have an equal and one standing to be able to direct it as myself according to the principle of What is Best for All.

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Until recently, I've had the idea of responsibility is a thing what is unworthy of my attention as apparently it seemed not worthy within my value system's effort/gain ratio.
For a long time I was unaware of my responsibilities in terms of who I am as Life.
Since from my childhood, for long term I was seeking opportunities to abdicate my responsibilities for what I've accepted and allowed to manifest.
When I started to apply Desteni tools, I was astounded how much I've missed from who I am currently even within apparently that was my first 'cause' - I always realized the flaws within myself when faced consequences but then it was always too late and then I had the pattern of judging myself and blaming others and suppressing anger what was absolutely not a Self-honest Life-walk for sure.

I was always within the perception of I am a tiny particle within the world yet I always wanted to change it meanwhile I did not want to change myself but I had to acknowledge some real changes within myself AFTER "life change" events/accidents/relationships - but the idea of me, myself, here I can change at any time by my will - was obscured, was under the carpet, because I was continuously changing anyway simply by facing the world - but the starting point to change for I had to study and apply the Desteni material.

The starting point from my mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, perceptions, pictures, personalities, characters, desires, fears

to

physical presence, being aware of my breath, disregarding the internal feedback system(the mind as mainly thoughts, feelings, emotions), and to live within Self-honesty an equal and one relationship with and as everything what is really here, as Life as all as one as equal.

To stop suppressing LIFE within and as me is my responsibility.

To start exploring self-limitation according to the mind's starting point I apply Self-forgiveness, as I explore the words which through I manifested the relationships I exist within self-definition.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize my responsibilities right here where and as my human physical body breathes as me as equal as one.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize the necessity of realization of my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand what responsibility really means.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with an idea of even being possible to skip or escape my responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that without realizing my responsibility I am still and continuously and constantly responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form myself according to the idea of abdicating responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a definition and a preconception about the word responsibility without being aware of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have definitions regarding to the word responsibility meanwhile not being aware of what and why I react to this word as the self-accepted self-definitions, patterns, memories being associated whose to I react with another association, definition, judgment, pattern, memory - by what I abdicate self-presence, self-responsibility here as the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing all my responsibilities within and as myself as this world regardless of the current human system's impulse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and have an idea about what responsibility means by and according to media, movies, advertisement, other people, friends, family, workmates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from realizing our REAL responsibilities what to we all contribute without being aware of within the current world system.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within running away from responsibilities actually I was running away from myself as the limitation what I've accepted and allowed myself to become and exist as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from response-ability for and as who I've became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that responsibility can be interpreted different ways as trying to have a justification or a reason for why not taking responsibility for and as who I currently am.

I commit myself to stop any definition existing within and as me regarding to responsibility but self-responsibility as self-honesty in every moment of every breath.
I commit myself to re-defining the word responsibility for what is best for me and best for all as response-ability to investigate myself as currently I exist as relationships towards points within and as my mind what I can unveil by the actual investigation of writing and Self-forgiveness and living the Self-corrective Action.

When and as I realize a self-definition I accept towards/regarding to/about the word responsibility, I stop, I remove, I delete the reaction, I remain here constant, consistent, breathing.
When and as I blame an other for apparently her/his responsibility - I realize that I should reflect this back to me as 'what responsibility I abdicate as self?'.

When and as I think that I acted irresponsible in my past - I realize the consequence is here, I am here, I realize, if I react the same way, I do not change , but if I stop reacting, I can see myself as the relationship of responsibility about the current, specific point - so then I can see myself exactly and how and why I have accepted such self-abdication and I change, as the best act is the prevention: preventing myself to remain within the same pattern.
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea of procrastinating/postponing to face my responsibilities within the hope of maybe I do not have to push myself instead of realizing that within any moment I do not push myself as physical presence as Self-honesty - I can not be trusted, so I stop, I breathe, I let go and re-align myself with and as Self-honesty as physical presence within action regarding to 'What is best for all'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I see anybody else feeling apparently 'cool' within abdicating self-responsibilities - that does not mean that it is my way, or I should desire for such 'way' or I should act the same according to the desire for 'abdicating my self responsibilities' within the specific context, the topic about I have the initial mind-relationship within as -responsibility as avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my state and process not living principled living in any moment means I am abdicating self-responsibilities.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and become angry at myself -and not being aware of this- because I want to change immediately - and by desire - instead of realizing that real change requires constancy and stability what I abdicate in terms of every day walking the process of Self-honesty by having excuses as 'too busy' and 'not enough time' and 'what I wrote today was not 'finished'' etc - instead of realizing that I am the creator of my time, my energy, my action, my day - and no one can be blamed for this only me and within self-judgment and suppressed anger towards me - I participate within self-dishonesty because within self-judgment I have the starting point of 'I do not change' - that's why I judge myself, that's why I become angry at myself - instead of simply changing myself in the context of the judgment until my mind is empty and I am here as physical presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that postponing my responsibilities I actually postpone facing myself and postponing the realization of my equal and one relationship with and as society, nature, animal kingdom, physical reality, existence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the points I act according to my past as the imprinted resonance of what I've accepted and allowed myself to perceive as 'Talamon' is of and as layers of consciousness, what is not physical, what is conditional, what is of and as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I do not dare to write down as really exists within myself, within my world - I do not want to take self-responsibility for what I stop and I realize the resistances for writing are also not real, and the more I judge these resistances and my relationship with my resistances to write - the more I accept and allow myself existing according to these self-definitions based on specific self-dishonesties - the more will compound and the more impact will have on my life without myself being the director but the directed, the puppet of my own self-dishonesty manifestation within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined fully scheduled weeks as avoidable, because then I would not have the ability to just go and do whatever in the moment I am reacted to do - but I would be scheduled to do the things what I've decided to do within an effective way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for being effective yet not wanting to absolutely use tools to schedule myself in order to manifest myself as effectiveness and efficiency within what I do by and as consistence and constancy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility towards applying what I have as knowledge regarding to deal with practically living in a busy city wherein tons of impulses are bombarding me and it is my responsibility to be aware how I react to these and how I am influenced and how it is related to what I've decided to walk.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is my responsibility to stop escaping from what is here as all as equal as one by wanting and hoping to get high from anything what I've defined as acceptable such as sexual arousement, smoking, killing in computer game or simply being obsessed with anything what I only can enjoy by thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from structuring my life and daily living because I've defined it as prison because I've defined freedom as anytime I can do whatever I want and not realizing that I've defined freedom according to my limitation, I've defined freedom by and as my mind as desire for abdicating responsibilities instead of re-defining freedom as myself being here always absolutely self-honest with myself and living this in every moment of every breath.

I stop defining freedom as 'unscheduled' week.

I define freedom as Living Absolute Self-honesty in each moment, breath by breath within the consideration of 'What is best for me is what is best for All!'.

I stop fearing from structuring myself and my responsibilities within an effective and practical and common sensiscal way.

I stop defining freedom as 'something what has it's price' but Absolute Self Honesty applied in Living in each moment.

I define structuring my weeks and time-management as my self-responsibility.

I take responsibility for and as myself, everything I've ever done or I exist as.

I take responsibility within Oneness and Equality by standing up as all as equal as one as life.

I take responsibility to stop defining myself according to my past (one minute or ten years, same) - I am here as presence within and as moment as breath.

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Next time I'll be walking the specific detailed list what are currently existing within my life regarding to Self-responsibility and investigating the self-accepted relationships within my mind what influence me to be not consistent within effectively walking the process of birthing myself as Life from the physical.