Saturday, August 17, 2013

[JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1


Continuing on investigation of lack of direct self-expression based on my previous post where I stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ideas, thoughts, memories, definitions how to sound direct, clear as myself here in and as the moment and allowing these to influence, direct me because I allowed myself to not trust myself here in all moments unconditionally always, constantly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accumulated lack of self trust as doubt specifically word by word, memory by memory to define who I am and at the same time by definition I've defined who I want to be and who I want to become and not realizing that the starting point is of and as doubt as fear as remaining who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider who I allowed myself to define by judgment, by comparison, by fear of and as inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I allow myself to exist within self-defined energetic state of inferiority, I am that, I am inferior to what I define separated from by lack of self-trust within the misunderstanding of who I am as perceiving myself to be as this definition-energy feedback system as mind instead of realizing I am what is physically here, as body, as presence, as life as breath as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define expression according to definition and not realizing that then the expression is not directly myself here but of and as the subject of definition which is separation and fear and never realizing/seeing/understanding the common sense to see back and directly become aware exactly the definition to stop myself participating within it and breathe and express directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use forgetting as excuse to not be aware what I did experience, think, define and say in the past meanwhile allowing it to influence, define, direct me and not realizing that this forgetting is not self-honest because as in this very moment I allow it to influence, define, direct me - then I can be aware of it exactly by being intimate, self-honest with myself and see exactly what I am accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always here who I made myself to be and as it is here - I can only not see who I am exactly, fully, entirely as within details as well if I define myself as separated from myself, as segregated from my creation of myself, powerless, inferior in relation to my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories because it seems to be a LOT and here who I experience myself to be is just this very undefine-able 'surface' of attention/focus/interest meanwhile I allow myself as limitation as only that what I define in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I use words as separation and for energy and by energy to stimulate me to move me and direct me and not be one and equal with and as the words as saying, writing, living the same all the time therefore creating friction, energy, conflict, what then drives me to ways I've defined as release automatically and then defining myself according to this charge up, release as I have never considered to see, realize, understand what I am exactly doing and in fact I can stop but at moments when I tried to stop when it was too much I was unable to stop and then defined this as myself and accepting it and feeling defeated and lost and hopeless meanwhile trying to get energy from other things such as sex, drugs, obsessions in order to accumulate energy to balance out this feeling, this momentum what feels like not right and constantly doing it and then judging that as me and when it starts to fall apart, protecting it and fearing to lose what I have apparently and not realizing it is all a lie, not me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in any moment I am not inner silence, empty as thoughtless, dark within - I accumulate energy and that energy will move me, direct me, be me but as accumulation of friction of inner reactions according to self-dishonesty as reaction to points what I can not embrace, direct, be with no separation, directly, physically but needing to balance out, to define, to react to: which are result of Self-dishonesty, specifically to the points I face and I fall into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself and express myself directly in every moment by wanting to be and express in ways what I've defined to be required to be who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be artistic within my expression instead of realizing that the very definition of artistic is of fear and judgment and not realizing that I can be honest to myself and express this honesty simply, directly, without any need of schema, pre-conception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are expressive ad not suppressive as artistic within their momentum to push into presence what they feel and not accumulate energy within and with that to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppressive and allowing myself to be as judgmental, reactive and then those judgments to keep within and first checking and testing and judging and then what I defined as cool, acceptable, then that allowing to express but never considering the fact that then it is not self-expression anymore in and as the moment undefined, but of friction, of inner movements and then the moment is gone, and then when seeing that it does not work, defining it as awkward, defining myself as awkward and wanting to 'test and sort' more within before expressing to avoid more 'latency' from direct expression of who I am not and never realizing the stupidity and starting point of fear that if I do not let go the inner policeman, I will always too late to be direct, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and have and maintain an idea within my head of who I am and how I am and what I do at circumstances and wanting to change, wanting to re-define and never considering that if I let go the definition, constant thought-based reflections, I can be direct and without definitions to influence, direct me I can actually stop, change, explore ways I've never defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest with myself within the self-definition of 'selfish', and not considering that the fear from selfishness is in fact selfish because it is obvious then I am dealing with an image of myself what is only mine what is not real and it is already that: selfish because it is only me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what self-expression is and what speaking properly is and not realizing that by self-definition of speaking I judge myself and compare myself to that and by definition I can not be directly speaking therefore if I consider who I want to be and who I do not want to be - I can not be myself because then I am this judgment who is not really I am as Life but accepting and allowing to be as mind as reactions as fear until I STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for energy for acting and speaking and by the energy reaction within defining that is it what I want or not, is it what is good or not, is it what I enjoy or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy feelings and without energy and without feelings defining myself as empty, blank, void and then defining that as bad, negative, avoidable and not realizing that without energy actually there is nothing what moves me and then feeling strange and unmotivated when nothing moves me and never considering that I can motivate myself, I can direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for energy to tell me who I am and what to do and when not feeling energy, energetic within me, then wanting to get energy by doing what gives me energy and not realizing that within that I compromise my Self-direction, Self-motivation because then energy will tell me who I am and what to do and will motivate, move, direct me because I never considered, dared myself to be motivation, direction, expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I was able to express by myself as motivating myself, directing myself, I've defined as not good, not enough and not realizing that I've stuck within this definition and comparison and judgment and using that to motivate me and find ways when I could define myself differently instead of realizing that I've separated myself by self-definition from the word motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation by myself when in fact not motivating myself and then not moving and then defining it as bad and defining energy and automatic responses and reactions within my environment to motivate, energize, direct me to ensure that I do not see and experience myself as lack of motivated when in fact I am not motivating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the fear from being separated from the word and it's meaning of: motivation, I've accepted being motivated by any means, even when it is not undefined, from within who I am as inner silence as Life directly, but of separation, fear, definition to have my motivation because I've put motivation in front of me because I've allowed myself to fear from not being motivated and then by that not moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not moving because then defining myself as not doing anything and then defining myself as not living, not progressing, not changing and I've defined myself and life as progress, change because who I accepted myself to be is not life and want to constantly progress within change to find me who I am and be motivated, not as myself here but as of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered self-motivation as self directly here undefined who I am as all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation and then by that not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself for constant need for movement because otherwise I am not who I want to be and moving by definition, of fear which is not really me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to stop and see that within movement I am not self movement because I've defined movement separated from me and fearing not moving is who I am so then by that fear motivating myself to move based on fear, not directly who I am here as Life.

I really suggest to try and walk Desteni I Process Lite course, as it supports within Self-investigation, Consistency, stability, Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - these tools are great for the ones who already realized the fact that can not trust within their own mind as manifested Self-dishonesty;
and also for those who are not entirely sure about that however they face difficulties within their life to stand and be responsible and enjoy direct, consistent self-expression.

2 comments:

bella said...

Really cool Tala! I am also realizing a point where I have defined myself/my value as inferior and as fear of failure and then whatever I try and 'do' is out of the desire for the opposite polarity, thus merely projecting the 'positive' as solution 'out there' and trying to 'get to that' through the mind - instead of living here, in every moment, self directive in self equality and self responsibility.

For me the points of (self)value and self-judgment is where I see I must start stopping for real, forgiving; to accept myself as equal / value / life and to thus give it to myself - live. And trust myself to express myself as equal, my individual expression as best for life. Self-honesty in every moment as best for all.

Joseph Talamon Berta said...

thanks, Bella
Yes, and the more I stop I realize that it was actually the opposite of real interest for me as I had this idea of 'okay, I have this value and interest and desire' and then I give it away but the value still remains so the energy relationship as well, and then in other circumstances I re-create the whole manifestation but for a while I was able to perceive myself as 'yeah, I am letting go' lol
But within real Self-honest investigation I realize it was based on a feeling, so then to let go is natural, Self-directive but not as I did before: no force is required as it is common sense, I've tried to fool myself with this anyway..
Keep pushing and sharing, enjoy breath!