[JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

Continuing with reading aloud the previously written Self-forgiveness statements to see where I can expand to specify the self-realization of acceptances of what I direct to stop and change in regards to tiredness/motivation/energy.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness
• [JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having no motivation is in fact a 'giving up', wherein in fact allowing myself to be persuaded with thoughts and reactions to trust events/reality/circumstances/luck/hope/others, and within that in fact covering up the already manifested, accepted, re-created experience and relationship of doubt within myself, within here, thus trying to project responsibility outside of self, into separation from self while in fact it is always self is responsible for what accepts and allows here in and as physical facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and believe in the lie of not having motivation while in fact within that self-re-created experience I cover up the fact that I deliberately re-create the accumulation and manifestation of doubt within myself here meanwhile not realizing that when I do not have motivation as self as equal as one of who to be, what to do, how to live - then I am accumulating doubt, separation, fear to influence, direct me while hoping the opposite to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in any way whatsoever, meaning not doing anything, not changing at all, yet expecting things happen, change by something force not self, others, existence, reality, thus allowing to believe, allowing to wait, allowing not to move myself and accumulating lack of self-power, self-direction, self-confidence, self-trust and by that accumulation manifesting personality of excuses and justifications why I am unable to move, change, direct myself and my reality within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is a manifested construct within my mind which influences, direct my physical beingness within my consent accumulated with the energetic experiences of hoping, waiting, expecting while in fact being obvious that there is a tiny chance for happening what I wait from luck, and thus in fact playing the casino mind-game, while not realizing I deliberately stop myself expressing, naturally moving yet manifesting a friction, energy by not being able to stand absolute for in fact 'wanting' something yet being sure that there is only a little chance for being able to 'get' it and within that friction manifesting tension, anxiety which then I have to equate out with positive thinking/energetic reactions and all of this making me busy, occupied.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making myself busy, occupied, focused to into my mind constantly to react/balance out/equate all the tensions not to feel too much insecure, unstable, not to face the fact that I am deluding myself, thus ensuring always reacting to something what makes me energetic, positive, such as with re-experiencing what I've defined as 'I like', and then having the reaction of good as 'doing what I like, so it's all good' - while in fact the starting point was that I do something what I am not content with, what is not cool yet not focusing to that, not questioning why, not wanting and doing anything to practically stop, prevent these mind-games what make me tired and within that tiredness using it as excuse that - 'can't change, move, I am too tired' and within that self-definition allowing this to manifest more directly into my physical, into my beingness, thus literally becoming tired, exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when and as I use motivation as to 'beat' tiredness, instead of asking, seeing, realizing, understanding why and actually how I allowed this tiredness to accumulate, experience, being defined by and as and seeing the reasons/scenarios to be able to PREVENT it happening again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see/realize/understand what is my interest within each motivation I allow to occupy and asking that is it best for me and all others as well as being stimulated by energetic experience of desire/excitement of wanting something to get/achieve and be able to consider with common sense what it's manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how exactly with motivation I am able to prevent tiredness as constantly defining the thing I am interested within as being the point of stimulation and within that having a positive energy with which I am energetic, vibrant, vivid to always do what motivates me and not understanding how I limit myself, my expression my interest, my responsibility only to the points I've pre-defined as motivates me and creating the polarity as what 'does not motivate me' and those things/points/aspects of my reality automatically defining as I am not interested within, thus resulting as a disregard, ignorance without considering the consequence I still manifest with it, as responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can re-define motivation in a way which is not of polarity, not of stimulation, not of energy but as self as equal as one within principled living as accumulating consequence manifesting to what is best for all within the realization of who I am as all as equal as one as life within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when giving into the experience of tiredness in fact I am giving up on my principle of live according to what is best for all with not investigating/walking through the layers of the mind's manifested energetic experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within being able to see what is in fact real fatigue, when I need to rest/relax/sleep for some time and then giving myself the opportunity to support myself within preventing tiredness and energy craving and reactions, polarity friction and reactions conflicting within me in order to beat tiredness by compromising my constant physical presence by going into the mind realm to stimulate me in the perception of 'overcoming tiredness' instead of letting go the initial relationship/reactions/definitions to actually prevent the experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the excuse for motivate myself with actually all the things I've defined as of my self-interest for what I feel stimulated, such as sexual arousal, technical gadgets, sweets, entertaining films, music, photography, cinematography, money and within that losing perspective of accumulating and remaining within consistency within my action for what is best for all participants in this human system, meaning considering what must be done for the system to become more equal for all in terms of life-support thus realizing the need for a new education, activism, art, media, economy and politics and act according to that as motivation, undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to the interest of being motivated to have experiences, such as what with I stimulate myself to feel better instead of considering to motivate myself directly with and for actual, physical facts and within that considering what would last in opposition of experience which does not.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to being lost, obsessed and separated into experiences of my mind and my interests only while disregarding the fact of all other beings and their life-circumstances, lack of life-support and deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that I am equally responsible for all what is here and thus self-define and self-automatize personality-programs within me as motivation only within the interest of me, my surroundings, the ones I've defined as relevant, close, important while not see/realize/understand that I can consider all equally and all what separates from that is my participation within my mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions/fears/desires/tiredness/doubt/giving up/lack of motivation what can be investigated/forgiven/corrected breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the word self-interest as self-in-the-rest, thus realizing that I am always in the reflection of others, thus all what I accept and allow within me and others is also self-responsibility and if my motivation is only entails me, excluding the 'rest' - as all others equally - then I am in fact not motivated with my real-whole-self-interest but as only a separated fraction of who I in fact am as all life equally.

Continuing with self-correction and self-commitments

[JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

Continuing with walking through the tiredness as decomposing, forgiving, stopping, re-creating myself word by word and assist and support myself for breathe/act/live the change as equal as one.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness

So as I was investigating my existence when I was in a flu at the weekend- which is kind of a catalyst in terms of intensities of self, especially with the fact that I was not 'working' but had to rest quite some.

It was fascinating to see through the layers of the mind - as mostly I am quite busy, always doing things until the point of exhaustion, tiredness.(It's related to inconsistency and lack of self-knowing, but it is for now an other topic to write about). Right now in this moment so much thing coming up, thus I take some breathes to remain here, directive, present without losing focus from all the memories, insights I want to write and share.

Alright. So the first thing comes up is motivation. It is like a 'pilot light' there is this beingness within me and with motivation can grow to a bonfire and easily to a firestorm wherein it is too much and burns all around too soon and then shrinks back again into this tiny little flame again.

Motivation is the blood, the petrol of my fire to melt down and boil up the ice holding me back and when I am out of it I am: tired.

Fascinatingly enough I've been successfully separated myself from the very idea/meaning and actualization of this word: motivation by making it conditional/literally limiting it to circumstances/events/experiences and thus my very expression I've given permission to prevent being consistent, unconditional, permanent.

Giving a couple of experiences when regardless of how much I've slept - I woke up like this: sleeping sleeping sleeping ...awaken....opening my eyes - YES - I am here again - then jumping out of bed and rushing for doing the thing I was motivated about.

In fact does not matter much anymore what was the thing I was motivated to do, but just for practical examples I list a couple ones, also noting some self-definition as 'spice'

-Playing Halflife computer game at the university - the storyline, the game play, the experience, the whole stimulation and feeling I had meanwhile - just motivated me to play through as consistently as I could, in a way totally living in the game without needing to leave it for my real living(I really did this with many dozen games already, but this one was specifically intense, around 1999).
-Facing the final exam at university thus eventually being free of it - the excitement of uncertainty of success, the stimulation for approximating the literally unknown etc
-To wake up meeting my girl to make love, mixing up sexual desire with fascination with the being
-Waking up for a sunrise to take pictures/videos at a cool location, wanting to explore the virginity of the first moments of the day with my awesome hi-tech gear for perfecting my skills, for share with others, for 'enjoyment'

Okay see - it is quite 'personal' so to speak - I've defined myself so and thus I reap what I sow - ENERGY - so when I am motivated, it's like the jolly joker to beat tiredness - I don't care, I am shining through so to speak - it's bearable, it's like weather - shouldn't and thus doesn't influence my day.

Tonight I've noticed this flaming again - tomorrow for a filming job, I will buy the fastest compact flash card available in the market, making the amount of recordable video doubled as I am capable today in one session, faster, more smoothly.

I am motivated to go to work because at lunchtime I will go to the mall and pay for it and most of the money is covered by the actual 'work' I make with video - it's like I am right on track for accumulating a dream coming true.(I go into the details as reveals the whole scenario more clearly).

Here I must distinguish from obsession from motivation as for instance when I was dopesmoker, I was so eager to jump out from the bed, eat some(just for the high not being about realizing/solving hunger) and get violently stoned as soon as possible - and that was also kind of motivation - later on I was doing things while stoned, but it was the important aspect of waking up motivated for sure.
I just wanted to bring some of my current life's 'motivations' I decide to correct as I see the self-interest emerging - not as buying a flash card is selfish but if I have energy, reaction, attachment - I am not fully here as self, but of and as ideas of consciousness systems. This is the eye of the needle, no compromise within the starting point of absolute self-honesty - to ensure nothing motivates me automatically, even if that automation was created, programmed, given permission to by me.

So even the very definition of -motivation- can be literally of anything, thus the human energetic organic robot is quite a specific one in terms of it's wide variety of programmability, but in it's essence - it's all the same, just the pictures, definitions are different among individuals.

Alright - so all I wanted to point out is that the very motivation I had/have is still mostly about my desires - with starting Process, and long before, I had the idea of motivation being to benefit all beings, all beings equally, but that still rarely being lived out IN ACTION.

As many people as well probably can refer to it - almost each and every single pageant talks about 'world peace' and actually most of the human individuals would want to have a better world IN THEORY - but to actually do something about it is so rare and in the jungle of personalities of our mind's weaved self-interest we barely are able to fulfill our own desires.

Especially when one would want to act according to what is best for all - even to find out what that would mean one can face extreme amount of layers/systems/reactions and then to reach the point of actual realization of what would really impact for all beings - such realization as the money point in this human system - towards the actual, practical, doable plan on how exactly, specifically could that be manifested: and then facing one's reaction to that amount of change, work and effort required to manifest - depends on and influences: MOTIVATION.

So in a way - motivation is also a construct, especially if separated from self, from direct self-expression - when it is self-defined, conditional, limited - can support through only a certain amount of resistance/tiredness - from the mind( - still not of physical fatigue).

Tiredness is a concept, an idea which is like a nest, a self-weaved mind-creation with which one can say to self and others: well, I am pretty much tired to a certain degree that I can't really move anymore effectively.

Moving, meaning realizing, changing, expanding, really living.

Most of the mothers can relate with this I guess - in the early morning the baby cries and one wakes up to feed, to care, to support - and can overcome so much experience of tiredness, however many can still be influenced, dragged down with the experience of tiredness.

As I was observing my own experiences recently while having the flu - I had some headache, I was in the bed, I just had a long nap, I was so tired - and I was just recognizing that actually I was listening to thoughts -

'Well, maybe I am this much tired, because now my body is fighting the illness, so I am exhausted, I need to sleep more'.

Thus I slept more - and I was more tired!

I was like wtf is going on, I do sure rest, I am all the rest I can have, but still I barely can jump out from the bed and drink water - which might be required for not feeling that tired.

So then I was experiencing this thought-hive in my mind for a while when in fact I was a bit 'energetic' - in a way like stimulated up with these thought-patterns/reactions to them with polarity/friction so then I stood up and started to move.

And I was starting to move, step by step, started to breath one after another - my head was cleaning out, my tiredness started to fade slowly but surely.

And then I figured out - I need food, I need drink, I need to dis-wash, I WANT to do something, still I am 'officially sick', thus having the excuse for all day doing nothing - I want to make use of this day too somehow. That was a moment of motivation.

WANT

Without wanting I was nothing but restless tiredness

With wanting I overcome tiredness.

I had to believe what I want is important, what I want to do, I am able to, and is cool for me.

At the moment of starting to move, I had no idea - just I trusted I can do - anyway it's all I ever can have - self-trust in when and what I want and with that motivation to actually live that out.

Also in a sense I had the impression that with accepting the fact I am now sick I do not need and actually don't want to do anything particular because thus I can rest and recover faster, thus I just let myself to rest and sleep as much as I can so then hopefully soon I can be able to return to my usual 'me' of eager to do things all the time - when not being tired.

So within all of losing myself in the deep experience of tiredness deliberately - I had a motivation behind it - to recover faster.

So it is just fascinating to investigate how and why I experience what I allow me to influence/direct me.

Also to observe babies/tiny kids - they do not freaking reason like this while learning to move, walk, talk - they just DO - direct motivation to LIVE.

After all it is being programmed to pick up the same strategies as other humans around them but in the beginning it's obviously much more direct/effective/practical how they - as we also were - motivated to learn and expand - without reasons, without excuses, without concept, being undefined, yet being oneself - I want to walk, I learn to walk, I do walk. Simple.

I see/realize/understand that I do not have any option in this but to totally decompose/forgive/stop all motivations I have and literally re-define/re-create/re-birth myself with a motivation as equal as one with self, in equality and oneness with all what is here as response-able, as direct as possible.

Even the concept of 'beating tiredness' indicates polarity/opposition/friction/conflict thus it's a trap.

The holistic, unifying, embracing, transcending solution is to specifically purify and let go each and every single definition/reaction/judgement/identification with tiredness and PREVENT myself participating within it before needing to experience inner friction, lack of energy or motivation.

I mean it is obvious that most of the humans has some interest for wanting to do - money/sex/power, just to name some - or experience itself in it's multifaceted overrated fact of self-separation for our - certainly unique - affection for it.

I am not here to judge how false would be to wake up each day with the motivation for making more billions than yesterday in the sadistic altar of greed but it's impact is deliberately rippling through the whole existence with it's physical consequence.

But hey - how more false to be motivated with our own little bubble of experience of existence only in the charming spell of apparent free will to have our own decision within who and what we are while disregarding a whole world of consequence.

To aim the absolute with motivation is so uneasy by minds of clouded with tiredness while in fact for this poison it is also the remedy: being tired from this existence as being motivated for it's change!

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that I have given permission to motivation to be automatically be triggered within my mind and me reacting with energy and with that energy opposing, fighting, balancing, overcoming tiredness and not being aware of how and why in fact my starting point within and as my mind is tiredness, lack of energy, no motivation, no movement by myself directly but always needing something to stimulate/influence/direct me and this whole mechanism, conditions, rules, acceptances and starting point defining it as me, as who I am without stopping, breathing here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be separated with the word motivation, with the word's meaning, with my relationships, definitions of motivation and allow to be triggered and influenced by the polarity-based positive or negative energetic experiences to literally motivate me instead of me being here directly the living expression of and as MOTIVATION as SELF HERE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be tired and wanting something to energize me up from this state of tiredness because within that I don't move, I can't move, I am not movement because there is no motivation and not realizing that thus who I define myself to be as movement is of conditions, not direct, not consistent, not self-honest, in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself tiredness as lack of energy as the reason and justification for not moving and to use it for myself or to others as 'that is why I do/did/won't act, because I am tired, exhausted' meanwhile I do not motivate myself in fact about that and using tiredness as separated energetic experience as excuse for not take responsibility for what I decide and what I act as equal as one as myself here in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can motivate myself to walk out from the mind to not need energy, to not need to beat tiredness, to not need to have conflict within me to have friction and tension and by that energizing my mind up to then being stimulated to move within and as me and perceiving that as myself and thus believing that what I mind tell me, make me feel is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the original tiredness I experience when I do not have motivation is who I allowed myself to be manifested in my mind as the layers of self-separation, the consent given to systematic personality behaviors, personalities to automatically judge and define, react and energize or stop energizing me and thus direct my life and defining it as who I am and defining this mechanism as life and accepting it within me and others without stopping and questioning and considering the solution as it would be stop reacting, stop being motivated by separate definition from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be stimulated when I am able to get camera gear because of the energetic experience of excitement, of hope of I will be able to do things I could not before and as imagining myself doing what I plan/desire/hope for with this gear - already having this energy within me and allowing me to influence me to motivate me to go and get the gear and in moments not considering reality/priorities/common sense, just allowing this feeling to overwhelm me and not seeing/realizing/understanding that I can plan and consider all factors here and still manage to get the gear but with this energetic excitement it feels more interesting, I feel more alive and not realizing that these are feelings, not direct self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to unconsciously be driven and influenced by feelings, feeling positive, while disregarding what is here, breath, principle, reality for moments, minutes while 'flying' in my mind and not seeing how it is of self-interest which is not self-direction, thus accumulating consequence of being programmed to automatize myself based on feelings, even when it is not practical, best for me and all equally, because reacting to feelings, what are coming up automatically, as trusting feelings, as revealing not trusting myself directly here as breath, as presence, as self unified.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can motivate myself with principled living to walk through and beyond my mind, definitions, reactions and bring myself to a physical birth to be here in all moments equally and live this principle to what would be the practical action for what is best for all and to motivate myself to let go self-interest, energy, but accumulate stability, consistency by always stopping myself to be automatically excited, driven, influenced and see the starting point, explore the reason of fear from living self directly here and forgiving it as myself immediately.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what motivates me and automatically react with positive feelings/excitement/hope/energy and not seeing/realizing/understanding the reason in the first place for that motivation to give permission to move within and as me.

That's all around tiredness from a perspective of motivation for today, will be continued with further self-forgiveness and self-correction....and....re-definition of motivation!

Thank you very much

[JTL 96] Stop Energy Motivation Part 2

This is the continuation of

• [JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1

  
It is to realize that by stopping actually I do not mean forcing myself to stop within an image and likeness of 'what is best for all' by 'giving up' my dreams, desires, but within Self-investigation(what is by itself proves that I do not know who I am, how I've became who I do not know who am I), exploring Self-intimacy, Self-honesty I am realizing that all what I 'contain' as memories, motivations, desires, images and pictures and ideas of who I want to be or should be are based on Self-dishonesty, fear and are conditioned to energetic states of my mind, as induced by thoughts, feelings and emotions.

Many times it already happened: what I dreamed of and wanted so badly, by circumstances I did let it go and then it came and I got it - for instance several musical instruments - and then I've perceived myself as 'changed' and 'not interested that much anymore that to actually go for it' then it was just here and that also influenced me.

This whole spiritual agenda within what 'you just wish for it and be positive and the mind is a wish-making jewel, just if you are on your path, all your dreams will be fulfilled' - so then I've fallen into self-definition by this idea:
-to get something I do let it go and then it will come back anyways - and when it comes, it is 'mine' anyway and then I realize it is not really me, yet it is here, and still I react to it therefore it is of and as me anyways as energy relationship within my mind.

And then I tried to just 'let go things and then I will get it if I really let them go' - but that is completely changed already.

As this spiritual agenda was really for me like this: to find emptiness in everything is actually find the emptiness within me about everything, meaning all I had was not real, empty, made-up by thoughts, feelings, emotions but then those stopped, changed, then the thing I was on to find out it is 'empty' - my relationship with it in my mind - as it formed, it's gone - so all that part of me was then defined as 'empty'.

And that emptiness is not real, but defined by self's relationship so in a greater perspective it is obviously not empty, I am not empty but tainted, infested with the relationship to the definition of emptiness. Strange but it is not self-honest.

Because to say everything, everyone is empty: it is a definition - my stomach can be empty - but in relation to my mind - if I am empty ABOUT IT - I must be equal and one with it because there is no inner movement, no inner definition, judgment, feeling, nothing - so then I am undefined about it, I have no 'relationship' with it in and as the mind so I can be here as it is and be directly equal and one with it without the mind.

So then for me the 'emptiness' would mean as a definition to it's relationship to the mind what is kind of swampy area to explore if we are not using common sense, because if we do, certainly it is already a philosophical bullshitting instead of get real and be practical about it: I am here, if I am reacting, I am not here but of judgment, of past as Self-dishonesty because the already existing relationship within and as self, projected to the ob-sub-ject I experience myself reacting to.

So then the motivation within and as myself towards these relationships I form and create, maintain and participate within is who I am in and as the so to speak beingness of me: this I've realized quite some years ago as 'empty', 'illusion' - and therefore I was after some methodologies, ways to manifest and stabilize this realization simply by remaining undefined, aware of the breath etc.

That is being offered by many these spiritual agendas, many -ism, who claim they have this practical knowledge to forge manifested realizations by this seed of awareness of 'emptiness' within ourselves however after doing some Desteni Education one can easily pick up the lack of common sense, the nonsense and contradiction within these 'teachings'.

I used to enjoy a video 'the guru hunter' who goes to India and does this 'demon hunt' from screwed women from who he pulls the demon out and does tricks like blood comes from eggs etc then everyone believes him and after it he exposes himself as trick-con-man doing simple tricks what uneducated people sees as magic.

So anyone wants to become able to expose illusion, con-men, lame gurus and false masters should join Desteni Courses as within walking that one can unlearn the fog of mind and learn common sense and Self-honesty and explore what is real, what is possible and what would be the practical solutions which is in fact mathematically could be proven as what is best for all.

As long I do not understand how my motivations, desires, dreams are ticking within me - I am just a reaction machine to outer circumstances.

Weaknesses I call these however within being Self-honest and to write down these and see them in front of myself and acknowledging - I am already one step ahead to stop the self-automation by starting to have QUESTIONS: WHY am I reacting to this with that?
What is this energy what motivates me, within me?

And then I realize that was based on a memory, an experience, wherein I had so much energies running through my mind and body and that the mind measures, takes samples, stores it with relationship to words, pictures, memories and then layer by layer, condition by condition, reaction by reaction, definition by definition: Personality has born, Character was born, EGO was created as this idea of Self, a religion within believing and fear from losing is actually me and from the energy motivation I FEEL - the same way it FEELS as me, I feel right to have human right to actually have believing within me and who I perceive myself to be but when I start to apply the Desteni tools, Self-honesty, writing, Self-forgiveness and walk what comes next to See, Realize, Forgive, I explore what I am accepting and allowing - then common sense is to stop, as it is of systems, all of systems we have became and then by this - as it is a skill, anyone who can deal with the simple math of 1+1=2 can walk Self-honesty and accumulate Self-realization.

So then I do not 'give away', 'let go' my 'desires' and I do not 'see and define' myself and my relationships as 'empty' and then I do not resign, renounce, but I simply realize it was never really me, the whole starting point, the reaction, the automation, the physical beingness I've formed about it was not who I really am, therefore it is simply common sense to stop.
And if there is force to stop, like - I want to have that thing or this woman but I know it is not right yet I am compelled to almost do what I know I should not and then I force myself to stop: it is still not Self-honesty - it is self-manipulation by the very thing I want to realize as not myself but still holding to: energy.

So then when it is natural, disciplined(because at times requires, for instance with addictions) to put my discipline, focus, the motivation to the experience where I see that I am being tempted with - with Self-dishonesty then I realize the motivation what I am still being defined is not really me, so then I re-define motivation, re-define myself based on the fact that I am in and as a reality wherein there are billions, trillions of beings where if my motivation does not include all what is here, I am separated from what is here, I am separated from myself, so then I motivate myself by practically considering in and as this very situation I am currently: What is best for all?

For instance when facing sexual desire - just to have somebody to have sex with, to have somebody to get physical, to let go this energetic compound of 'need to have sex to release this tension, to let go of stress' etc - then what would be best for all? To let go this energy somehow? Or considering to PREVENT it to manifest?

To even consider how and why in the first place I've created this 'need', 'desire'? And not if that is 'bad idea' to have a partner to do physical tenderness without limit but with what starting point for what result?

To just get steam off and feel good and have satisfaction? If there is someone who can agree with it and finds comfortable, why not? Why don't just then do it and have awesome experience with someone and when both feeling FANTASTIC, then coming along, be together and do it as it is good for both, then should be then: best for all!

Well, I would not stop here and continuing self-realization to is this enough, what do I expect from my partner and what I actually give and what would be the really best for her? Well, for me it could not mean just to please each other, especially when seeing that it is just for feelings, what are self-created, energetic mind-entities in order to compensate the harshness of physical reality within what many of us directly being abused, destroyed meanwhile many-many people are 'just feel good' together and say 'we are in love, alright, we feel good about each other, everyone should do the same, it's awesome!' - meanwhile many are even unable to drink water enough to remain alive.

So then the Self-honesty would mean to see priorities: what is more important, my feelings, and my partner's feelings about my feelings, or to actually head on reality and investigate practical solutions.

Well within Self-honesty it is also obvious that solutions for all from where we, as humanity stand today, then one might consider her/his location today currently and where is the stability point that to actually remain effective, meanwhile to be with someone, yet not just in a bubble of self-interest feel of love about the partner, family, mates - which obviously seems logical as priority, especially to parents - who are little gods for their kids.
But the responsibility is not ends here, and one can expand within Awareness and Responsibility, oneself, family, friends, country, the planet, existence - and if one finds out that at this moment have the capacity to take care only about the money what is required for family to eat properly - well that's it but within Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-change one can change reality.

So then to find the balance and equality within all aspects of ourselves and life without having stressed, but not mind-blessed with energy as addicted to feel good - it is already a tough challenge in this current human system.

So then I check motivation, I check reactions, I check my location and I re-align if I see I am not who I want to be and if I do not understand, if I am confused, if I am unsure, I sit down and write it out all with no judgment, no fear to see what I am accepting and allowing - and then I see what must be done, stopped, removed from me, especially the addiction towards feel good because there is something within already for needing this, it's like an inherent, self-accepted nature of myself of by default feeling bad for needing to feel good more than by default.
And then I investigate, I share - this is not who I really am, only currently, maybe today - and then I change.

I have this energy moving within what tries to direct me to go and just form sexual relationship with someone, I do not accept this as myself, I do not really want to just have sex with someone just because I have this urge to do sex - because if I see myself - I not just want sex, I want care, equality, support, agreement - so then to just go out and have sex - will not be this, well, maybe, but highly unlikely.

So then I face the next question how to establish effective agreement with somebody, am I ready for that? I had this for years 'feeling' 'I am not ready' - and then overwhelmed by sexual desire towards images, pictures, mostly induced by porn and movie industry - I was like, I am ready, I should do it meanwhile all what I've formed with different individuals had the starting point of what moved towards it.

And it is still not 'bad' - but if I know it, I should be aware of what it will become, as starting point, consequence - and then anticipate and see - do I have agreement with myself first about it? And then can I agree with somebody on it which can be practical in this 3d physical world? That is common sense.

My relationship was around this sex thing what is cool however I tried to pretend it is not and when there were sexual temptations I was shaking(not physically, but as standing within agreement) because of that - so then by walking Agreement Course I have realized, still realizing what is my starting point, what do I really want, not just energy, and consequence of relationship with motivation and energy manifested as sexual desire, but actually what I would really want if I would be free of energy motivations moving me temporary. So then I have realized so much already what I do not want - which is at least equally important to what I want - and then to say no to that it is not that hard anymore. Because feeling of energy will not last - I want consistency which is not of energy for sure as energy is of conditions, definitions, feelings, what is self-interest if not considering all life.
Even when it is about a one night stand with somebody who even is a beautiful woman but for what I really want, not just energy fix, it is not who I really am, so to say no is not like 'very hard' if I can consider more than my feelings only. I do not say one night stands and spontaneous stuff is bad, I do not define it - if I participate, then I participate - some say I should - some say I should not - for me for quick fix it could work, as it did some times, but for long term I rather walk Self-forgiveness and stop the energetic mind for long term, that is my fix and then the more I do, the more I am able to see more far than my energetic mind, even supporting others as myself as equal as one.

That is what I wanted to share around, as the comments in the previous post: that when I realize what moves me is not really me, to let go is not uneasy - when it is uneasy, it is still the journey of understanding what I have allowed myself to became, even when I am already aware of what must be done, manifested, stabilized, such as not thinking when I wake up, not thinking when I take a shower, not thinking while considering my days ahead, not thinking while going to work, definitely not thinking while working, speaking with others, but directly be here, honest, expressing every detail of my beingness what is in the moment and having the direct presence here, with others, with reality, not in the mind, not through thoughts, definitions, concerns, fears, desires, pictures - those are the past -- sometimes cool to look back and have a retrospective review of myself and see who I am here, but while in and as the day, in action - there is no place of inner judgments.

And when it is 'feels like' physically compelled to react, then it is already physically manifested as systems as physical mind, then it is to accumulate Self-direction to stand equal and one with and as Self here and to Breathe, to Stop, to not participate and let it go in every moment, while thoughts arise: those are the signs of inner separation - and in this phase of stopping - I am becoming more and more here, back to reality, wherein each moment actually is and thinking is in the secret room, while action is physical.

It's like a kung fu, or commando or plane pilot thing: if you think for a second, so much things happen in that second that even for reacting to one thought: you are completely out of context, of moment, of flow of presence, consistent awareness and the consequence is always accumulates.

So that is my point today, to do not stop investigating reasons, starting points, WHY-s until it is clear what I want, is this aligned with 'What is best for all?' because otherwise inner reactions will arise and that is the sign of Self-dishonesty.

----
My reaction after 6 seconds writing this down in one session:
-shall I review it, shall I re-read it, what if there is typo, what if my English made me write something what is not even understandable, what if I wrote too much gossip and not direct Self-support?
Well then it is not a thought either - I push it here, everything is here - myself and the keyboard, the screen, physical, I am here - and then this 'space of thoughts' become the space of 'reality' meanwhile I am empty.
So then I forgive myself that I have this inner reactions, what I pushed here and yet still energy moves within - and then I must say that I know how good it feels this energy, after long years of mind-blowing drugs and lots mind sex I know, when this energy moves can feel so right - but within Self-honesty - there is difference when this energy is in fact fear - sophisticated separation from physical, from body, from self is this energy and the very reason of separation from here is fear, so this energy that's why feels good, easy joy, self-made up, the greatest con-science, our own Mind-Consciousness as we are able to program our own mind with words and reactions to these in relationship to anything to just feel good, see the rapist, the abuser, the sadist: they all say: it feels good, based on thoughts, mind.

And then there is a second layer, by these writings there is some energy moving, around solar plexus - suppression, automatic reaction - that is also me - that is also significant, that I am not even entirely aware: that is manifested fear what must be investigated. As this energy also will compound. And the personality I've formed and created by learning from others, parents, school, media is how I deal with energy: doing sex to release, doing drugs to charge out, having sport, doing more job, spending money or whatever the person had formed with energy and to deal with, produce, have relationship with feelings, energy: is what must be in relation to practical understanding and effective accumulation towards What is Best for All.

So then there is what Bernard wrote about personal process, to deal with inner energies of mind, of feelings, of self-stability, then head on and deal with interpersonal as agreements with partner, others, family, workspace - and then there is the universal process: wherein facing world-wide systems of energy, such as economics, politics, military, environmental, animal kingdom, ecology, the whole planet - that is another level of energy and all in are equal and one relationship therefore in every moment one is aligned with the Principle of 'Give as you would like to receive' - then it is What is best for all - and when is not then there is a problem, energy compounds, what cause friction, conflict, abuse, destruction on personal, interpersonal, universal level on the same mathematical equation what is always 'counts': 1+1=2.

That is why here we promote Effective Solutions as Equal Money, Living Income Guaranteed, what could be pretty common sense, meaning being able to sensed, felt commonly in a very practical way of and as the principle of 'No Man Left Behind' as Thou Shalt Love Thy Neighbor as Thyself.
And remember: this should be pretty obvious and if it is not, then you are not able to apply Common Sense, therefore remediation, re-education, unlearning, re-aligning is required which is also provided by Destonians who already realized what is really the priority, not based on feelings of self-interest only but of all's interest:

• Desteni I Process Lite, to learn to change and trust Self-honesty as Life as ourselves
• Desteni I Process Pro for the ones who are dedicated to be responsible for Education, Leadership
• Desteni I Process Agreement Course to find out what is Agreement with Self, with Partner and those who are effective within it since decades have built this course to share their realizations within walkable lessons to realize what we really want and why we really want to become

[JTL 94] Stop Energy Motivation Part 1

Continuing on investigation of lack of direct self-expression based on my previous post where I stopped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ideas, thoughts, memories, definitions how to sound direct, clear as myself here in and as the moment and allowing these to influence, direct me because I allowed myself to not trust myself here in all moments unconditionally always, constantly.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have accumulated lack of self trust as doubt specifically word by word, memory by memory to define who I am and at the same time by definition I've defined who I want to be and who I want to become and not realizing that the starting point is of and as doubt as fear as remaining who I perceive myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider who I allowed myself to define by judgment, by comparison, by fear of and as inferiority.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that each moment I allow myself to exist within self-defined energetic state of inferiority, I am that, I am inferior to what I define separated from by lack of self-trust within the misunderstanding of who I am as perceiving myself to be as this definition-energy feedback system as mind instead of realizing I am what is physically here, as body, as presence, as life as breath as expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define expression according to definition and not realizing that then the expression is not directly myself here but of and as the subject of definition which is separation and fear and never realizing/seeing/understanding the common sense to see back and directly become aware exactly the definition to stop myself participating within it and breathe and express directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use forgetting as excuse to not be aware what I did experience, think, define and say in the past meanwhile allowing it to influence, define, direct me and not realizing that this forgetting is not self-honest because as in this very moment I allow it to influence, define, direct me - then I can be aware of it exactly by being intimate, self-honest with myself and see exactly what I am accepting and allowing.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I am always here who I made myself to be and as it is here - I can only not see who I am exactly, fully, entirely as within details as well if I define myself as separated from myself, as segregated from my creation of myself, powerless, inferior in relation to my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories because it seems to be a LOT and here who I experience myself to be is just this very undefine-able 'surface' of attention/focus/interest meanwhile I allow myself as limitation as only that what I define in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that I use words as separation and for energy and by energy to stimulate me to move me and direct me and not be one and equal with and as the words as saying, writing, living the same all the time therefore creating friction, energy, conflict, what then drives me to ways I've defined as release automatically and then defining myself according to this charge up, release as I have never considered to see, realize, understand what I am exactly doing and in fact I can stop but at moments when I tried to stop when it was too much I was unable to stop and then defined this as myself and accepting it and feeling defeated and lost and hopeless meanwhile trying to get energy from other things such as sex, drugs, obsessions in order to accumulate energy to balance out this feeling, this momentum what feels like not right and constantly doing it and then judging that as me and when it starts to fall apart, protecting it and fearing to lose what I have apparently and not realizing it is all a lie, not me.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in any moment I am not inner silence, empty as thoughtless, dark within - I accumulate energy and that energy will move me, direct me, be me but as accumulation of friction of inner reactions according to self-dishonesty as reaction to points what I can not embrace, direct, be with no separation, directly, physically but needing to balance out, to define, to react to: which are result of Self-dishonesty, specifically to the points I face and I fall into fear.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself and express myself directly in every moment by wanting to be and express in ways what I've defined to be required to be who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be artistic within my expression instead of realizing that the very definition of artistic is of fear and judgment and not realizing that I can be honest to myself and express this honesty simply, directly, without any need of schema, pre-conception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others who are expressive ad not suppressive as artistic within their momentum to push into presence what they feel and not accumulate energy within and with that to express.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as suppressive and allowing myself to be as judgmental, reactive and then those judgments to keep within and first checking and testing and judging and then what I defined as cool, acceptable, then that allowing to express but never considering the fact that then it is not self-expression anymore in and as the moment undefined, but of friction, of inner movements and then the moment is gone, and then when seeing that it does not work, defining it as awkward, defining myself as awkward and wanting to 'test and sort' more within before expressing to avoid more 'latency' from direct expression of who I am not and never realizing the stupidity and starting point of fear that if I do not let go the inner policeman, I will always too late to be direct, here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form and have and maintain an idea within my head of who I am and how I am and what I do at circumstances and wanting to change, wanting to re-define and never considering that if I let go the definition, constant thought-based reflections, I can be direct and without definitions to influence, direct me I can actually stop, change, explore ways I've never defined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to be honest with myself within the self-definition of 'selfish', and not considering that the fear from selfishness is in fact selfish because it is obvious then I am dealing with an image of myself what is only mine what is not real and it is already that: selfish because it is only me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what self-expression is and what speaking properly is and not realizing that by self-definition of speaking I judge myself and compare myself to that and by definition I can not be directly speaking therefore if I consider who I want to be and who I do not want to be - I can not be myself because then I am this judgment who is not really I am as Life but accepting and allowing to be as mind as reactions as fear until I STOP.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go for energy for acting and speaking and by the energy reaction within defining that is it what I want or not, is it what is good or not, is it what I enjoy or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to energy feelings and without energy and without feelings defining myself as empty, blank, void and then defining that as bad, negative, avoidable and not realizing that without energy actually there is nothing what moves me and then feeling strange and unmotivated when nothing moves me and never considering that I can motivate myself, I can direct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for energy to tell me who I am and what to do and when not feeling energy, energetic within me, then wanting to get energy by doing what gives me energy and not realizing that within that I compromise my Self-direction, Self-motivation because then energy will tell me who I am and what to do and will motivate, move, direct me because I never considered, dared myself to be motivation, direction, expression.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I was able to express by myself as motivating myself, directing myself, I've defined as not good, not enough and not realizing that I've stuck within this definition and comparison and judgment and using that to motivate me and find ways when I could define myself differently instead of realizing that I've separated myself by self-definition from the word motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation by myself when in fact not motivating myself and then not moving and then defining it as bad and defining energy and automatic responses and reactions within my environment to motivate, energize, direct me to ensure that I do not see and experience myself as lack of motivated when in fact I am not motivating myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the fear from being separated from the word and it's meaning of: motivation, I've accepted being motivated by any means, even when it is not undefined, from within who I am as inner silence as Life directly, but of separation, fear, definition to have my motivation because I've put motivation in front of me because I've allowed myself to fear from not being motivated and then by that not moving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not moving because then defining myself as not doing anything and then defining myself as not living, not progressing, not changing and I've defined myself and life as progress, change because who I accepted myself to be is not life and want to constantly progress within change to find me who I am and be motivated, not as myself here but as of fear.

I forgive myself that I have never considered self-motivation as self directly here undefined who I am as all life equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having motivation and then by that not moving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself for constant need for movement because otherwise I am not who I want to be and moving by definition, of fear which is not really me.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to stop and see that within movement I am not self movement because I've defined movement separated from me and fearing not moving is who I am so then by that fear motivating myself to move based on fear, not directly who I am here as Life.

I really suggest to try and walk Desteni I Process Lite course, as it supports within Self-investigation, Consistency, stability, Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness - these tools are great for the ones who already realized the fact that can not trust within their own mind as manifested Self-dishonesty;
and also for those who are not entirely sure about that however they face difficulties within their life to stand and be responsible and enjoy direct, consistent self-expression.

[JTL 87] Understanding and be direct change

Journey to Life to stop the madness of each self-delusions step by step, day by day, breath by breath.

Perspective today:

•  Day 469: Self Realization, Writing and Time

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined change and myself to change as reaction within towards it in terms of positive and negative as feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan changing within my mind as thoughts and having reactions to it as feelings as feeling good about the change by self-judgment as 'positive' and already having this positivity instead of realizing it is only in and as the mind - in the physical I did not change, but focusing on the feeling and judging the possible outcome of the change by the feelings I have towards it within and not realizing it is make-belief, made-up, the religion of self which is entirely unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the feeling to change is what I've defined as required to change and not realizing that within reacting to feel to change I am in fact not changing, only playing with the idea of changing and thinking to change and within already feeling positive about to change I do not even change in and as the physical, but only and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not change in and as the physical but only in the mind and based on judgments towards how I am and how I will be and how I define currently I am as not good and how I define how I will be when I will change as good and then already imagining myself as 'good' and not realizing then I stop to change, not even started to change, but only within and as my imagination which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have never considered changing, as changing as myself, changing myself is something what I must be aware of how I currently am in terms of the aspect of myself to change, and then also being aware how I want to change practically and what to I want to change and without that it is only an imagination what is not practical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined changing as changing by myself, as myself is automatic, regarding to circumstances a starting point is enough, a dissatisfaction is enough of that I am not feeling good therefore wanting to change to a way that I will feel good and whatever I feel good to as imagining myself to be, then I believe that I will be changed simply by an intent to change and not realizing that intent is self-delusion, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why intent is self-dishonesty and how I am trapping myself to not really change in and as the physical but only having the intent which is not practical, not real therefore any change is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the trap of intent to change as manipulation, as not direct practical self-change within consideration of all what is here and how to change therefore developing a separation within and as me and manifesting frustration, anxiety for not changing but wanting and blaming myself for not changing meanwhile not considering how exactly from what to what I require to direct myself to change with no intent but action.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to become aware directly the point what I want to change, but only having feelings which through defining something as not good, as bad based on self-judgment, self-definition and wanting to change it to feel good about it and then not understanding how exactly I am responsible for that judged as negative feeling and how I am stopping it practically but imagining myself how good would be to be changed and feeling good already by the energetic reaction of the 'intent' also based on self-defined judgment and the word and energetic relationships I've defined to the word: 'intent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself from direct physical change and made relationships with energetic reactions which through I intent to change meanwhile all I do is feel certain ways about how I experience myself and how I would experience myself if I could be changed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to plan changing myself exactly in practical, measurable ways wherein I am directly able to see what I am doing for instance such as housekeeping, clothing, scheduling my days what I've defined as 'it is who I am as I do it currently' however I want to change it and not considering to change it as myself doing it by understanding how I am housekeeping, clothing, scheduling currently and how I exactly want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize the simplicity of changing myself in and as the moment but actually using energy, intent, force and manipulation, energetic reactions, feelings, emotions, thoughts to move me because I've defined myself that directly I am unable to be who I want to be but I must walk pathways and journeys and timeline to change and never considering that in and as one breath I decide and I act as change as the Living Word equal as one as written as spoken as action as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the words I write and be the words I speak directly and believing and hoping that it must be time what with I will become the words physically what I write and speak and not realizing that directly I am changing, I am acting as written and spoken word with no separation, no inner self, no interpretation, no definition with physical action.

When and as I intent to change myself I stop and let intent go and I breathe within physical presence and I realize I am not taking into consideration what is here as myself, exactly what I am going to change, how I am going to change and what to I am going to change myself with no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, no reactions, no good, no positive, no negative, no bad feelings, nothing - I am direct and empty and I am changing myself.

When and as I want to completely change and be the opposite in one moment who I am here I realize the small parts and the apparently irrelevant things I do not take care about within myself as reactions, automation, feelings are equally important to change within and step by step I can change but as direct, physical mannerism and being clear what I am currently changing and what to and not allowing feeling good about it or fearing from failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from if I do not feel good about change then I will not see and realize when I have changed instead of realizing that if I am directly changing myself, I am aware of it therefore not required to have feelings about it to notice, to realize - I am change directly itself, myself undefined, unified, equalized here.

When and as I feel good about changing myself I stop and I let go the feeling, I forgive myself for feeling good for changing and I realize within feeling good meanwhile changing - I am reacting to mind and I am not here as manifesting the change directly as myself, so I stop the feeling and I remain empty and directive.

When and as I worry, I fear, I doubt myself for changing within something I've understood within and as myself, I've considered what I want to change to what and exactly how to do it - I do not accept fear, I let go fear, I remain here, calm, relaxed and I trust myself.

When and as I doubt I can not change, I check within that "Did I understand exactly what part I am changing within myself?" "Am I aware of how I am changing myself?" ; "Am I aware what to I want to change?" And if not, then I script my change within planning within writing, seeing, and I re-align myself with and as myself as the practical change here.

When and as I am not sure what to do or how to change myself in aspects of me - I realize I've not been self-honest with myself in regards to that point I want to change and I take the time then and I write and I investigate within Self-intimacy and explore who I am here what I've allowed to manifest and what is best for me and also for all and then I change myself within that understanding, realization.

When and as I see myself to react automatically to a point what I want to change within myself - I realize the automation is not for change - I stop the reaction - I see what the reaction wants me to do and I do not give into it but I stop myself and I remain stopped until the need for such reaction is here within active stopping myself within being aware of what I am exactly stopping in this moment such as feeling to do something what is in fact leads to doing/not doing something I do not want therefore I do not participate.

When and as I go into energetic reaction for wanting to be stimulated sexually without myself here deciding it within self-direction - I realize it is automated, it is not really me but who I've allowed myself to be directed by and as self-dishonesty as addiction to energy and imagination to disregard what is here as the physical therefore I do not go into the temptation of arousal.

When and as I see that I am going into automatic sexual arousal based on tiredness, boredom, anxiety from within or externally stimulated, remembered to sex by pictures, sounds, symbols - I stop and I become aware that I am changing myself and I am directing myself and the intent to change is not real as to trust in intent automatically to change is the same as to trust automatic arousal believing it is me and it is real meanwhile as it came it will go therefore I stop myself and I let it go and I use common sense to deal with tiredness, boredom, anxiety, meaning resting or refreshment or self-forgiveness to let go specific resistances and energetic self-manipulations.

When and as I worry to have conflict with ex-partner, future partner or even current partner - therefore wanting to be alone and defining myself to be most effective as being alone - I realize I act based on fear and what I fear from, what I want to be separated from is already here therefore I face it and I stop the fear as stopping the relationship to defining myself based on the past, based on the self-definition of not being effective by judging myself in fact not being effective.

I commit myself to stop intent to change and be practical about changing myself meaning being aware from what and who I am changing by how and to what and actually doing it as self here.

I commit myself to change myself not being automatically feel as good towards imagining and planning to change but focusing only what is here wherein in fact I change.

I commit myself to stop trust in feelings and stop the addiction to feel good and want to feel good and to fear from not feeling good.

I commit myself to being aware of when I am feeling good as mind and when I am physically being, directly, feeling good and then not judging myself for it but allowing myself to enjoy myself without fear from not being able to make the difference from mind-feeling to physical feeling.

I commit myself to slow down within and able to question myself and experiences to be able to be self-honest within to see when I am following a feeling within and not imagining and having the intent to change but directly change myself even if it apparently means 'stopping, not participating, remaining here'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge the self-delusion within feeling good for future change but to fool myself within and as the starting point of and as the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions about who I am and not realizing that meanwhile, always in and as the physical is the only real therefore only physical change I directly do is what matters, what is relevant and I stop being frustrated with of seeing something within what I am not self-honest about and observing myself to not change instead of no matter what, stopping myself doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, worrying and fearful facing feeling bad while changing myself because then within stopping to participate, within directly changing myself I am facing all the bullshit and it's consequences I've accepted and allowed meanwhile not realizing that all the 'feeling bad' is because judging myself as 'bad' for not changing to have a reason for being 'bad' enough to consider to change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within changing I have automated feelings as 'bad' because facing all the self-accepted judgments and excuses and justifications for why I did not change until here this moment and for the first time realizing why it is inevitable to change because by each excuse and justification for why not face the 'feeling bad' within direct change it is becoming more and more clear that I must change, who I am is to change myself in this aspect of me wherein I accepted and allowed myself to stuck, to loop myself into excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to respect and appreciate myself within changing myself as I am capable of and doing so meanwhile enjoying to let go the fear and the judgments of polarity of positive and negative and be here as myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited by even the idea of 'directly change', 'really change', 'at last change' and I am stopping the excitement, I am here, I am empty, I am directive, there is no need for being excited for being self-directive, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within myself all the things I wanted to change within and as myself, my mannerism, my expressions, my movement, my sounding, my words I speak, my actions I do because I've given up on myself and defined who I am as currently I accept myself to be and not realizing the ability to change myself within self-trust, self-dedication, self-discipline, self-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel empty within writing self-forgiveness to be able to stop it and not realizing that I am writing the Self-forgiveness within Self-direction and not Self-forgiveness makes me write and I am not to feel empty but to let go all which is not real, which I've defined according to fear, judgments, intent, feelings.

I am direct, I am here, I am decision and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words and allow words to have meanings and relationships with other words and reacting to those with feelings based on words as well meanwhile not realizing the common sense to purify myself and my relationship to words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself here as presence but trusting words, trusting writing words, trusting saying words but not trusting myself as saying, writing, doing words as equal as one, always, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a need to think and have thoughts resonate within my head that 'I am here' instead of being directly here as empty mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself only that what I think of I should forgive and trusting thoughts popping up what to forgive and fearing thoughts coming up constantly and not realizing I can stop the thoughts and it is not about stopping the thoughts, or not stopping the thoughts but about can I remain here, consistent and disregard the thoughts and I am the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here as breath, be aware of and as breath while writing and realizing that disregarding breath is for regarding thoughts, self-dishonesty as thoughts without realizing the thoughts and self-dishonesty of thoughts for what I allowed  as creation as separation from myself within the starting point of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically use 4 count breath for stop and suppress specific thoughts and believing I am stopping myself and in fact only doing that for certain thought patterns I do not face, question, investigate, understand but allow, suppress and not change myself to disregard by seeing in common sense what conflict I do not want to resolve in my life for what the specific thought reflects back my self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to become aware of what thoughts I suppress and force 'down' within and in fact forget to not deal with, to not understand the self-dishonesty I encoded to react with in order to realize within what I must change, stop.

I commit myself to become aware of all thoughts within which all represent an aspect of me what is of not real but of fear what I remember and investigate, understand and direct myself to change the starting point, the origin, the actual self-dishonesty for what the thought I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use writing as release and not realizing that within writing I am not for practical real change to ensure but for feeling change, feeling changed, feeling released from not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize I've been deceiving myself within stopping myself and changing myself instead of realizing that only changing in mind and in physical not changing and the proof for that is still thinking, still feeling, still charging up and releasing with energy instead of transcending the self-dishonesty and the judgments towards self with I generate energy what I require to release.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically walk through each justification and excuse why I do not stop the addiction to energy and to see/understand/realize exactly how and why I am defining myself at specific situations, scenarios, circumstances according to this energy, according to my judgments of positive and negative to the energy which is self-dishonesty to cover, forget, repeat and judge, define, justify and remain as until I directly not STOP, really, physically.

I forgive myself that I have not considered to see my location within I am at in and as physical existence, to motivate myself with and as principle and to direct myself in and as breathing action.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the responsibility I have for myself as existence as all life in each moment and every breath.

For Self-education, I suggest to invest for real values with what you can start grasping how to practically change for taking responsibility for all what is here as Life, not just imagine and feel but actually be change as real physical time:

Kryon, Reptilian and Quantum Mind Self Awareness Interviews available on EQAFE.

When and as I experience feel for energy, lack of energy, too much energy and seeing reaction as excuse and justification for why not moving and doing what is common sense, what is best for me, what is best for all within Self-honesty, I motivate myself as responsible for existence as myself as equal as one and not accepting any separation, not allowing to be less than who I really am as All as one as Equal as Life.

When and as I am not aware of what is Best for all and what should be my next move within consideration of all what is here, I realize the currently accepted and allowed abuse through the monetary, corporate, political, educational, media systems within which I place myself into those people's shoes who are disregarded, neglected, enslaved, abused and destroyed in the name of surviving, allowed in the name of love, god, feeling good, enlightenment, happiness, evolution or any interest what does not practically act in the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' considering all life equally - and I realize the importance and necessity to be part of a group which is for Real Solution such as Equal Money System, Equal Life Foundation, Desteni I Process and I support the group as myself as all Life as purpose as manifesting Physical Heaven on Earth for all unconditionally within the realization of who I am as Life.

When and as I define entertainment as required for me I realize that it is for feeling as well therefore if I automatically move towards entertainment - I am not yet free as I am self-defined through and as energy towards words with I feel better myself by disregarding what is here as the physical, therefore I stop and I breathe through the need and want for feeling and I realize I can be relaxed, natural, absolutely myself while being active and directive without feelings and enjoy myself within self-honesty.