[JTL Day 217] Sounding Self-forgiveness part 1

Recently I've started to expand on the immediate Self-forgiveness application for direct realization/change support.

There are some points what are assisting to write down and expand in support and preparation for the Sounding Self-forgiveness expression.

By sounding, saying aloud the specific Self-forgiveness I immediately take responsibility for what I realize I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and the application is already a self-solidifying expression: there is no better time and place to understand, re-align and change, express and live the realization within self-honesty than here and now.

There are situations wherein it is not common sense to stop what I do for Self-forgiveness, but what I've found that it can also become a self-compromise as if I keep saying that 'this is not the right time', yet I do not give time and effort for these realizations, not writing notes, recording audio/video - expanding from actual understanding to self-correction, self-commitment, then I have to face the fact that I am not dealing with the points coming up to change within self-honesty.

So it is a key to reflect back, to ask within Self-honesty - Am I able to trust myself within the decision making of 'when it is the right/appropriate/good time for applying Self-forgiveness?

It can easily become a habit to cover myself with excuses and justifications that 'I am so busy, what can I do?'.

And there are times certainly when indeed it is not possible/practical/supporting to stop and sound myself, or even to re-collect myself within, such as while giving a lecture on something different or driving etc - but the my current reality is also a reflection, the manifested consequence of who I am - and how and what I've accepted myself to become today. So There might be even resistances, layered reasons why I can accept myself as: limited what I have to face, emerge into and stand as the decision and the practical change during resistances.

The resistances from within are also something to be educated about - where these come from and why? Why do I resist to understand and stop something which I see as self-dishonest?

These are the questions what with one can assist and support with facing resistances, not only about the practical Sounding Self-forgiveness, but anything within one's process of self-realization.


Lets' walk my 'personal' deepending of understanding in regards to my resistances to Sounding Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use excuse for not applying Self-forgiveness in the moment based on the perceptions, judgements of that it is not possible/appropriate/supporting/practical when if I really would decide, I could create opportunity to have a minute for myself and forgive what I've allowed and accepted and thus immediately taking responsibility, deepening the actual details of the self-dishonesty and direct myself to re-align and stop and change and also in the moment apply to what is necessary to further understand, reveal, acknowledge for be able to apply the necessary practical change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about the time it would require to stop what I do when I see the opportunity for Self-forgiveness to apply for immediate re-alignment within Self-honesty and using this value, worth of time perception as an excuse yet not allowing myself to effectively live the change later.

I forgive myself that I have not realized what is the exact reason that when I do not apply later the realization what I 'suppress to apply' with Self-forgiveness in the moment and accepting myself as not applying later, even when in the moment I decide doing so and within that to manifest not facing/acknowledging/understanding/realizing that I am Self-dishonest with myself about 'I will walk this forgiveness/correction/commitment later.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see/realize/understand that within to lie to myself I accumulate lack of self-trust, doubt, thus friction, instability, further Self-dishonesty, in addition to the already self-accepted self-dishonesty and not realizing that what I accumulate is who I am manifesting myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being effective, diligent, practical within taking notes about the realizations of what I decide not to immediately forgive/walk through/re-align myself about and even further not investigating WHY I do not direct myself to become effective, WHAT is the reason for not taking really responsibility and HOW I actually still being influenced by judgements, opinions, energetic experiences in regarding to how/why/when I apply Self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I allow myself to become occupied with thoughts, reactions, energies within my mind which if I focus to I am being distracted to what I actually decided to do and within accepting that - I actually give my permission, my already manifested consequence of my past to influence/direct me and instead of trusting myself here in every moment, still prioritizing specific moments, scenarios, circumstances wherein I give into the reaction, the self-definition instead of immediately applying Self-forgiveness for being distracted and re-align by breathing, actually doing what is common sense here and direct myself to let go the thoughts, reactions as myself as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to judge the immediate, in and as moment Self-forgiveness application to be 'dangerous' in terms of not knowing how many times it would take to walk through a point ENTIRELY, throughout, until I am standing here within absolute self-direction to stop it because judging the layers of my mind as too many, and imagining what if I would have to apply Self-forgiveness in the moment sounding for 5-10-30-60 minutes and it would seem too much because then it would block myself to live my day what I was about to do, such as working, being with people etc based on the fear that then I would lose the connection with what I did before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not walk a point until I am here directive and clear about it within Self-forgiveness because defining it would be too much time and effort what I do not have currently which is the excuse for not walking a point within absolute self-honesty yet facing it again and again and again and not realizing that what I fear losing actually I lose by repeating the same pattern instead of really forgive and really change immediately without fear from becoming too off-topic from what was my 'day' about, such as working, being with people.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can apply Self-forgiveness directly and specify it within effective Self-honesty the way that I am punctual, that I see into me and immediately be aware of what is the reason I prevented myself to immediately understand and stop and change myself about this specific point I am applying.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can accumulate effective practical Self-forgiveness to accumulate Self-trust within actual change that I do not give up yet it does not become a fight, a friction-caused reaction-pattern which drives me to 'walk' the Self-forgiveness further, but rather I decide and live that decision unconditionally and if there is points undermining this decision to live, then I start with those points to understand/apply Self-forgiveness to stop and really change.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've used memory as an excuse for why I do not apply Self-forgiveness in the moment for points what are not obvious/simple, but would require more than one-two Self-forgiveness statements, maybe five or fifteen and within thinking that I will not remember these exactly, then starting to doubt that I should apply it and not questioning why I've judged as multiple sentences are something I would not remember, thus eventually I would not remember to stop and apply the change within this 'giving up' judgement, which is based on comparison with something as referred as 'too big/much/long' which is in fact an excuse.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see-realize-understand that I can apply a scheduling, a directive regular session for my walking of notes from 'real time' participation in the daily doings, meaning each day or once in two-three days actually gifting myself the time and effort to go through the points I've put aside to later forgive/correct/change - which is simple, taking the calendar, picking a time and then do it.


I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain within the clarification of the realization that with and AS Self-forgiveness I can walk through any Self-dishonesty I still accept and allow and within this realization - if I still not apply it, there is something to prioritize, what is that I can understand/forgive/change about that acceptance and actually going though this until the core of my beingness and change myself from within with decision, discipline, commitment and accumulation of the Process of Self-forgiveness applied written and sounded, said aloud.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even think for a moment about why I do not need to apply Self-forgiveness/change and accept that thought as me and my decision without realizing I decide not to change with a Self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not need to say aloud necessarily the Self-forgiveness words, it can also support if I focus directly to the realization and apply the decision to stop/change/re-align with - or I can whisper the words, the important is the actual application of changing within the realization.

I commit myself to explore/expose/understand/stop/change all reactions stopping me to apply Self-forgiveness and change in the moment and ensure that I become practical and effective dealing with not forgetting, giving the time and effort to walk through points later, making notes and also to stop any resistances walk through a point, regardless of reactions.

I will continue with further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction, Self-commitment in the next post.

In the meantime I suggest to listen these interviews about Sounding Self-forgiveness:

• https://eqafe.com/p/sounding-self-forgiveness-reptilians-part-364
• https://eqafe.com/p/the-living-of-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-support-part-68
• https://eqafe.com/p/procrastination-self-forgiveness-atlanteans-part-208

[JTL Day 204] Tiredness vs Awareness part 4 - Interest

Continuing with reading aloud the previously written Self-forgiveness statements to see where I can expand to specify the self-realization of acceptances of what I direct to stop and change in regards to tiredness/motivation/energy.

• [JTL Day 201] Tiredness vs Awareness part 1-Introduction
• [JTL Day 202] Tiredness vs Awareness part 2-Self-forgiveness
• [JTL Day 203] Tiredness vs Awareness part 3 - Motivation

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that having no motivation is in fact a 'giving up', wherein in fact allowing myself to be persuaded with thoughts and reactions to trust events/reality/circumstances/luck/hope/others, and within that in fact covering up the already manifested, accepted, re-created experience and relationship of doubt within myself, within here, thus trying to project responsibility outside of self, into separation from self while in fact it is always self is responsible for what accepts and allows here in and as physical facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself and believe in the lie of not having motivation while in fact within that self-re-created experience I cover up the fact that I deliberately re-create the accumulation and manifestation of doubt within myself here meanwhile not realizing that when I do not have motivation as self as equal as one of who to be, what to do, how to live - then I am accumulating doubt, separation, fear to influence, direct me while hoping the opposite to manifest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope in any way whatsoever, meaning not doing anything, not changing at all, yet expecting things happen, change by something force not self, others, existence, reality, thus allowing to believe, allowing to wait, allowing not to move myself and accumulating lack of self-power, self-direction, self-confidence, self-trust and by that accumulation manifesting personality of excuses and justifications why I am unable to move, change, direct myself and my reality within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that tiredness is a manifested construct within my mind which influences, direct my physical beingness within my consent accumulated with the energetic experiences of hoping, waiting, expecting while in fact being obvious that there is a tiny chance for happening what I wait from luck, and thus in fact playing the casino mind-game, while not realizing I deliberately stop myself expressing, naturally moving yet manifesting a friction, energy by not being able to stand absolute for in fact 'wanting' something yet being sure that there is only a little chance for being able to 'get' it and within that friction manifesting tension, anxiety which then I have to equate out with positive thinking/energetic reactions and all of this making me busy, occupied.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making myself busy, occupied, focused to into my mind constantly to react/balance out/equate all the tensions not to feel too much insecure, unstable, not to face the fact that I am deluding myself, thus ensuring always reacting to something what makes me energetic, positive, such as with re-experiencing what I've defined as 'I like', and then having the reaction of good as 'doing what I like, so it's all good' - while in fact the starting point was that I do something what I am not content with, what is not cool yet not focusing to that, not questioning why, not wanting and doing anything to practically stop, prevent these mind-games what make me tired and within that tiredness using it as excuse that - 'can't change, move, I am too tired' and within that self-definition allowing this to manifest more directly into my physical, into my beingness, thus literally becoming tired, exhausted.

I forgive myself that I have not realized when and as I use motivation as to 'beat' tiredness, instead of asking, seeing, realizing, understanding why and actually how I allowed this tiredness to accumulate, experience, being defined by and as and seeing the reasons/scenarios to be able to PREVENT it happening again and again and again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to exactly see/realize/understand what is my interest within each motivation I allow to occupy and asking that is it best for me and all others as well as being stimulated by energetic experience of desire/excitement of wanting something to get/achieve and be able to consider with common sense what it's manifested consequence.

I forgive myself that I have not realized how exactly with motivation I am able to prevent tiredness as constantly defining the thing I am interested within as being the point of stimulation and within that having a positive energy with which I am energetic, vibrant, vivid to always do what motivates me and not understanding how I limit myself, my expression my interest, my responsibility only to the points I've pre-defined as motivates me and creating the polarity as what 'does not motivate me' and those things/points/aspects of my reality automatically defining as I am not interested within, thus resulting as a disregard, ignorance without considering the consequence I still manifest with it, as responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can re-define motivation in a way which is not of polarity, not of stimulation, not of energy but as self as equal as one within principled living as accumulating consequence manifesting to what is best for all within the realization of who I am as all as equal as one as life within responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when giving into the experience of tiredness in fact I am giving up on my principle of live according to what is best for all with not investigating/walking through the layers of the mind's manifested energetic experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself within being able to see what is in fact real fatigue, when I need to rest/relax/sleep for some time and then giving myself the opportunity to support myself within preventing tiredness and energy craving and reactions, polarity friction and reactions conflicting within me in order to beat tiredness by compromising my constant physical presence by going into the mind realm to stimulate me in the perception of 'overcoming tiredness' instead of letting go the initial relationship/reactions/definitions to actually prevent the experience of tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the excuse for motivate myself with actually all the things I've defined as of my self-interest for what I feel stimulated, such as sexual arousal, technical gadgets, sweets, entertaining films, music, photography, cinematography, money and within that losing perspective of accumulating and remaining within consistency within my action for what is best for all participants in this human system, meaning considering what must be done for the system to become more equal for all in terms of life-support thus realizing the need for a new education, activism, art, media, economy and politics and act according to that as motivation, undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define who I am according to the interest of being motivated to have experiences, such as what with I stimulate myself to feel better instead of considering to motivate myself directly with and for actual, physical facts and within that considering what would last in opposition of experience which does not.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to being lost, obsessed and separated into experiences of my mind and my interests only while disregarding the fact of all other beings and their life-circumstances, lack of life-support and deliberately choosing to ignore the fact that I am equally responsible for all what is here and thus self-define and self-automatize personality-programs within me as motivation only within the interest of me, my surroundings, the ones I've defined as relevant, close, important while not see/realize/understand that I can consider all equally and all what separates from that is my participation within my mind with thoughts/feelings/emotions/reactions/fears/desires/tiredness/doubt/giving up/lack of motivation what can be investigated/forgiven/corrected breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the word self-interest as self-in-the-rest, thus realizing that I am always in the reflection of others, thus all what I accept and allow within me and others is also self-responsibility and if my motivation is only entails me, excluding the 'rest' - as all others equally - then I am in fact not motivated with my real-whole-self-interest but as only a separated fraction of who I in fact am as all life equally.

Continuing with self-correction and self-commitments

[JTL Day 196] 10. Making Love Visible part 4

Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 and part 3 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.

I establish some self-integrity within equalizing will, vision and action with words in regards to the re-definition of LOVE to assist and support me and others in my reality.

Realizing that Love is to give what I would like to receive I commit myself to ensure that I do not hold onto energetic charges, moods, emotions within my expression of love which I realize that it is only real when it is of and as the physical here, visible, touchable, measurable and manifesting consequences what must be what is best for all participants.

Recognizing the ability to talk with kindness, openness I commit myself to not allow any fear to influence me within my interaction with others and if I recognize any fear within my mind, thoughts, body, energies, I stop, I literally stop and I act immediately as any waiting, spending time within the mind-state of hope gives false light as undermining my self-trust, self-direction, self-honesty because I allow forces outside of me to influence, direct me instead of I directly see, decide, act and move breath by breath within responsibility.

I had a moment of reaction about walking this point which was exactly this:

"I'd like to finish this point to walk through and write about other points already, because many things are coming up, should be also expressed, realized, directed, forgiven, changed."

Specificity and sticking to the exact point what I've started is required and recognizing the tendency to not walk through a point until it is clear, not moving, not influencing, not being accepted in any way whatsoever which then manifests time loop, as allowing aspects, dimensions, relationships still existing what has not yet been re-aligned within and as me and then participating within it re-creating the same dishonesties within action which then when recognized would create unnecessary reaction.

Thus I specify further here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see/realize/understand that if I do not walk a point with writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitment until it is entirely here as myself without any thought it is not stopped entirely within me as mind-relationship-behavior-pattern, then I will not be aware fully what I literally participate within which is required to recognize the trigger points, the set and setting to see the pattern before doing it to remember my decision to stop and be able to stop.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-forgiveness should and must be absolute specific, practical, real which can be applied in and as the physical in one breath at a time within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've allowed myself to not walk through points fully until it is stopped within the energetic stimulation, personality influences which then revealing that I do not do it within self-direction but of circumstances which if not existing, I stop applying, I stop stopping, thus not really changing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to write through the patterns of false love within self-forgiveness and self-commitment only and not realizing that writing is the preparation for real living - for be able to learn how to really love and literally make love visible in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that breathing, forgiving and wording is not enough but I have to move, act and do within stable, consistent expression in order to become one and equal with the words I write, I speak thus becoming the Living Words of Love of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have never loved myself within the fact that I allowed myself to fall into the dishonesty of self-separation from my beingness, my life source substance and within separation creating relationships externally and using those to define, determine, manifest and form and shape me and not realizing that all negative, all hate, all anger I've ever expressed is of because of lack of self-love which can be and should be and will be stopped by stopping existing being defined with relationships separated from me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that self-love starts with quieting myself within, standing up for all life equally and not allowing myself to be possessed with thoughts, feelings, emotions, letting go each and every single inner energetic reactions to not participate anymore yet expressing myself here, visibly, physically directly, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that making love visible is when I become consistent within self-reliance, self-direction and self-commitment to stop confusion, depression, suppression and projection and taking everything back to self and be responsible for all I can do which starting with living self-forgiveness here.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to have idea of love which is not related to physical and react to others as 'bullshit' when they I see/define/react with the impression of 'their love is not visible, they do not really love but they are in consciousness mind systems and feeling love, feeling this energy which is not real, not visible, not love' and instead of judging and blaming, I become the living example of visible love which is changing myself from reaction/judgement/blame to direction/expression/movement.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I really want to walk through all past-related delusions what I've referred as love and then realized it is self-dishonesty yet not specifying, not facing directly, not walking into practical change within the fear of change, fear of loss, fear of fear.

I forgive myself that I have not written practical self-forgiveness in relation to my current living, current relationship, current agreement, current opportunity to explore what would really mean visible, physical, real love.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the tendency within my mind to beat around the bush yet accumulating determination to be able to really commit myself to change instead of directly commit and directly change in one moment, one point at a time.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the fact that I've pre-defined love, pre-programmed what would mean love to be and not allowing to walk through these points because still holding onto these ideas of 'love' instead of applying common sense, practical mannerism unconditionally, trusting myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have given permission my memories, my relationships, my definitions, judgements to tell me how to live, how to love, what to live, what to love unconditionally without awareness, without taking responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to manifest love with my partner to be a fight, a warfare, an energetic polarity manifestation wherein I have to be right, I have to feel good, I have to feel free and I have to be able to do whatever I want in the moment in the name of expectation of acceptance even when it is self-dishonesty with the un-worded contract of the minds of "I accept your dishonesty, you accept mine, this is our love".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the word of 'compromise' because already believing it means I am falling, I am fallen, I am lost within the accumulation of manifestation of consequence of self-acceptance and allowance of self-dishonesty instead of stopping one breath at a time, one point at a time within self-will, self-trust, self-direction without judging this process, judging how much time points require to realize/stop/change.

I will continue with actual, practical points in my current life.

[JTL Day 192] 10. Making Love Visible part 1

Continuing with my Declaration of Principles

10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE.

"Love = I will not accept or allow anything less than who you are as one and equal with me. When I see that you are not honoring you as who you are - I will directly intervene and assist and support you, how necessary - so you in this moment may realise/see/understand what you are accepting/allowing within you that is not of who you really are."

Starting Love Here - with exploring what Love is in terms of Self and within that what Self is and within that what Self is not as what is not yet Living as what would means to really LIVE.

Within each breath I take and I am in the mind: I am not Living, I am trapped within the religion of my self-created reality of the delusion of self-love which in fact not visible, which is in fact not physical, not real.

Within walking the process of Self-honesty it is clear that any love which is not expressed, shared, lived directly in and as physical earth is not real, only seems to be in the mind as a make-believe, as a bubble of energy, as an interest of which not the best, which will burst inevitably.

Love starts with Self Here - thus not accepting anything less than who I really am within absolute Self-honesty, within the utmost respect for the Breath of Life within and as me which equal within all.

Not accepting myself to be influenced, stimulated, mesmerized, trapped by thoughts, feelings, emotions, images, pictures, memories, personalities, characters, desires, fears, phobias, obsessions, possessions, which with I would justify to myself or others that any perceived separation of me into and as the mind would be valid, acceptable or even for a moment be tempted to tell me who I am and what I would want to accept as myself for now or for any given moment from now on indefinitely.

Standing up to my self-accepted limitations to recognize the compromise within the false refugee I've taken into and as the polarity of the mind as the mesmerizing energetic states of positive and negative energies in and as my physical body, forming anything beyond one and equal present physical self living here in each breath.

Whenever or wherever seeing myself accepting compromising self-honesty at a slightest level, recognizing the most relevant mathematical equation of physical consequence of 1+1=2, meaning realizing the self-responsibility for any inner reaction of doubt, fear, judgement or inner definition to limit myself which always accumulate into what is not the best for me, for all others equally, thus committing myself to forgive myself for what I am accepting and allowing and standing up to stop and within stopping actually changing myself and live this change making my love to myself, to all life equally visible and ground to earth due to the accumulation of physical consequence one act at a time, one breath at a time.

Realizing the solution of that I can understand, stop and change myself, sharing myself walking through all layers of self-dishonesty unconditionally, I am re-defining what is love which is real and can be shared in and as the physical.

Within partnership, agreeing with self to stand unconditionally, to stand and walk with an other within an agreement unwavering, undefined within self-direction and manifesting love in the way of giving which I want to receive, meaning care, trust, tenderness, stability and practical equality and within this direction facing anything compromising this from within or with out and taking responsibility for and investigate, cross-reference, forgive, commit myself to stop and really change and explore what is real love.

Within this Starting point it is here what I still accept and allow within my mind in forms of resistance and and attraction and realizing that it is of self-definition, of self-judgement, of self-dishonesty which can be understood, written down, walked through with Self-forgiveness until I am here with the awareness of what must be stopped and how exactly I am participating within what and how exactly must be stopped participating breath by breath.

Starting with exploring what resistances I've defined towards the word love, thus manifesting polarities, different poles to be reacted to at the same time towards the word LOVE thus whenever hearing, thinking, reading, saying the word love, associating, reacting automatically, activating energetic reactions, definitions, perceptions of virtual personalities about what love is and in fact thus giving my mind, circumstances, physical reality, myself permission to constantly timeloop within the exact same patterns without being aware of, being able to stop and really change and transcend and explore what would really mean to live the unconditional love in each moment equally.

Walking through the layers of perceptions of self-defined idea and experiences of love to explore what it really means to live love free, not defined by the quantity of it's subject, and also within that realizing that if love is objected to something, it is already of separation, of definition, of mind, thus realizing the true love is when there is no separation, no judgement exists and within that realizing that I am not only responsible for myself but all what is here, everybody on earth, in this existence and to be able to stand up from my self-interest and mind-perception to live according to what is best for all as equal as one in each action can become the Visible Love I am aligning myself to LIVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the word LOVE because defining it as deception, defining it as not real, as defining it as failure, trap, illusion, delusion, because whenever I've defined myself with it, whenever I've tried to believe the reactions, feelings, personalities built with it, it always concluded within falling, shattering, being completely false, not real, not true and thus defining it as avoidable, resistible, deniable and never considering to realize the fact that my starting point, my very relationship with the word love is of self-dishonesty, fear and the word itself is only can be what I give meaning to it and manifest it through that, thus the common sense is to decompose all patterns I consist of in regards to the word love first to see who I've accepted and allowed myself to became already on the physical manifestation in relation to the word LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as unconditional, as eternal, as unquestionable, unwavering, and seeing this world, this physical reality, this manifested human system as in fact is, concluding that real love does not exist, only interest, thus real self does not exists, only self-interest and defining it as tough, cruel, rude, and within defining it as, defining myself as that as well, thus wanting to be and become tough, cruel, rude as this system has become to be equal with it, to be able to deal with it within believing that whatever the system is like, I must be in order to be able to remain, to be effective, be myself within and not realizing that I've defined myself of this world, I've defined myself of my reaction, relationship to the perception I've defined seeing in relation to my self-defined idea of love and thus limiting myself to what I've defined without questioning, without being able to understand, stop and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself naive, childish, delusional because in terms of my definition of unconditional love not seeing reflected back in this world, thus defining myself through it, in fact reflected back within the judgement I accept within my own reaction to what I actually do and what I see others doing and thus influenced by my definition and acceptance manifesting exactly what I've judged and defined as the opposite of unconditional love.

I forgive myself that I have previously fallen into love which means defining something what I've loved as being obsessed with as wanting to have and ensure being able to remain having, possessing, the subject of my love, the reaction to the definition of my love, the person I've defined to be needed to be able to love, to feel love, to feel loved, to be equal and one with the definition of love and not realizing thus separating myself from the ability to directly myself here LIVE LOVE.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that holding onto ideas and images and pictures and memories and hopes and desires and superimpose that into physical relationship with someone can not be real love because disregarding what is here, who I walk with thus the expectations to love, live in fact meaning compromising self-honesty by making love conditional, not self-directed and of and as the polarity of judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word love, it's meaning, not facing it with the perception that real love not exists within this world and accepting it and not realizing that I can re-define love and I can live what love would really mean as unconditional standing for self as all as one as equal and seeing practically what it means to manifest it and seeing facts here and not react to what is already manifested as consequence thus focusing to practical solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love according to media, books, movies, how others explain, define, show what love is and defining it as bullshit, superficial and delusional and defining love according to when multiple self-interests stand together and thus reacting to it and manifesting resistance towards it and that energetic reaction to influence, direct me and feel separated from others, and judging that as not cool and thus separating myself from my own reactions towards my self-defined love instead of letting go all definitions, judgements, reactions, automatic feelings, thoughts, and use common sense and see facts here and support all participants as giving as would like to receive equally..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define common sense based, calm, not overwhelming, not storming, going up and down and emotional, feeling-based consideration/definition/value of love as not real as defining love based on emotions, energies, feelings and never question my starting point, each and every single tiny reactions I accept, allow and accumulate into my personality to automatically influence, suggest, tell me what is love, when to love, what to love, how to love and thus let go facts, reality, equal consideration of all participants here physically.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that love can be visible and real if it is in and as the physical, not in separate minds, not in feelings, emotions, but the flesh involved WITHOUT the mind, consciousness and thus to be able to really love myself, others it is crucial and inevitable to purify myself from all energetic mind reactions, patterns programmed with words within with Self-forgiveness to the utmost specificity to see what I have allowed myself to manifest and taking responsibility and really commit myself to find practical ways to change.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to face the fact that I do not know what love is and how to really love myself or others and thus using patterns, images, reactions to define me regarding to love, how to live in love and never realize the polarity within, the starting point of negative energy of self-accepted hate towards what I accept and allow within self-separation, self-dishonesty, self-delusion and yet not standing up to it as myself to face equally what I consist and exist as and thus realize exactly how and what I should and in fact can stop breath by breath with Self-correction within Principle and re-definition of words.

I forgive myself that I have never realized that why in fact I've allowed myself to hate and blame for that hate and what is that hate within me and allowing the polarity within with hate-love and never realize that anything of this polarity is not living but programmed consciousness systems for it's own self-interest, excluding others, secluding self into this one-dimensional energy-game wherein running from what is defined as negative and be attracted towards what seems as positive and never realizing the whole cycle is the same and recreational timeloop within the same self-dishonesty as fear and never realizing the exit from it with slowing down within, writing all patterns down and forgive each pattern I've allowed to participate within and commit myself to stop unconditionally and thus let go and really transcend the polarity game of love-hate and find out what would really love mean without conditions, separation, fear.

to be continued

Beyond walking to LIVING principles and the process of alignment I share what supports me extensively by walking with EQAFE interviews - there are many interviews for Self-support in relation to love, relationship, agreement, just to mention some:

• EQAFE - Relationship Success support series
• EQAFE - What is it about the Experience of Love/Attraction
• EQAFE - How Purifying Love would enhance Equality in this World.

[JTL 154] Patience Self-support from Practical Desteni

There is a series at the Practical Desteni blog which is the most profound self-support on the topic Patience-Impatience I've ever found.

I cannot encourage enough to read through it as these points have never been considered before.

It is part of the process of establishing consistency and self-trust within physical application and with these common sense points one can really become patient and the whole relationship to the physical reality/time versus inner mind-reactions/perceptions of time can be understood and practically apply within our reality.

The whole concept of our definitions and relationships to patience can be transcended to a new level from which we really can assist and support ourselves to become responsible in all areas of our living.

When I share Desteni blogs/articles I really mean that this kind of "profound understanding of how the human mind and physical reality works" I refer to - which I've never found within any spiritual or religious teachings -I've went through tons of those some years ago - those are vague/mystic and mostly out of context of practical reality. Even if some has some practical change reference - there is always a compromise, a belief, a faith which I was never comfortable with.

It is common sense that any spiritual/religious group which does not stand up for economic/political forces what direct our so called 'civilization', they will not change the course of humanity as avoiding the real problems here and only conspiring about personal interest of happiness instead of taking responsibility for the whole system as all as equal as one here in physical reality.

That is why I've left these groups - for me it was obvious they cannot support me for practical change from within to without what is required in this world to make it happen in a measurable, accumulative way in physical space/time. Also some are cool with thinking/sharing these '-ism' s but they do not actually LIVE that, or if they so - they just compromise with excuses and justifications why in fact do not 'have to' change - that is unacceptable within the starting point of Self-honesty.

Nor I want to judge or pish those foes referred as 'masters' but when one starts to study the massive Desteni Material on how the mind works can realize the profound and simplistic explanations of our reality what I am referring here.

So today I share this point: PRACTICAL DESTENI - as it is for practical living - I am still studying and applying the points I am reading from these articles and I am grateful and the least is tho re-share it as it is CRUCIAL to understand and transform our existing relationship to patience and impatience of the polarity of the mind to actual Self-support for perfecting our physical application within consistency without being directed by frictions existing within our mind.

This might seem a lot(more than 15) but these are not so long and day by day it is walkable and I guarantee - it can be a tremendous support for ones who struggle with impatience and not be able to consistently apply PATIENCE AS SELF.

"What one have to understand in relation to the Mind/Consciousness is that: it suppresses and disempowers our Self-Awareness and separates us from our own Physical Bodies and so our ability to in fact take responsibility for and direct ourselves and our own lives. One of the main methods the Mind/Consciousness use to disempower us within and without is Emotional and Feeling Energy, such as the energetic experiences of Patience and Impatience. What I will show within this post and posts to come is: with moving ‘beyond’ emotional/feeling reactions, such as Patience/Impatience and instead focus one’s Awareness on change and solutions – one will find ‘gifts’ within oneself and one’s living that will in fact CONTRIBUTE, assist and support oneself and one’s life/living experience. With such ‘gifts’ being Self and Living Expressions that will ground oneself in the Mind and the Body to become the directive principle and responsibility within who one is and how one live."

 ...

"Now, there are two different realities at play here: the Mind Reality and the Physical Reality. The Mind Reality moves in ‘quantum time’ and the Physical Reality moves in space and time. The Mind Reality ‘quantum time movement’ is measured by energy and the Physical Reality space-time movement is measured by breath. Dependent on how much energy (emotions/feelings) you access/generate – depends on how fast / slow the Mind will move. Dependent on how slow / fast you breathe – depends on how slow / fast the general condition of the body moves. One can essentially liken the Mind’s movement as a lightning storm in the head-region of human beings and the Physical Body’s movement as a river-movement within itself and also within physical reality. So, one can imagine how the Lightning Storm of the Mind can ‘unsettle the waters’ in the Physical Body / this Physical Reality – which is what we do to ourselves most of the time, because our Awareness is participating / possessed in/as the Lightning Storm of the Mind instead of moving with and as the rivers of/as Physical space-time movement in physical reality."

This was just some of my favorite parts which assists me but here I've listed the whole series(and it might be continued):

1. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience.html 
2. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/who-i-am-as-patience-part-two.html 
3. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/patience-and-time-part-1.html 
4. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/patience-and-time-part-2.html 
5. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time.html 
6. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time-part-2.html 
7. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/10/sequence-of-events-vs-time-part-3.html 
8. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/from-fighting-time-to-walking-with-time.html 
9. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/from-fighting-time-to-walking-with-time_13.html 
10. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/transforming-emotional-reactions-to.html 
11. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/11/patience-as-selfliving-expression.html 
12. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/patience-as-selfliving-expression-part.html 
13. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/patience-as-selfliving-expression-part_21.html 
14. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2013/12/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time.html 
15. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2014/01/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time.html 
16. http://practical-desteni.blogspot.com/2014/01/quantum-time-and-physical-space-time_31.html

Another great posts by Practical Desteni:

• 2012: Directions for Ascension – How to know you’re Ascending into the right Direction 
• Thought-Designs – Part 1 (Part 2, Part 3, Part 4 are there as well!) 
• Do It. Be it. Live it. 
• Why do we take things Personally?

Free Online Course for introduction of Desteni Self-support tools with one can start investigating what parts of self is really self and what not and how to practically assist and support oneself to really change:

• http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL 153] Why fear and desire are self-compromise?

Continuing on the previous post where I stated that fear and desire are both limitation and in fact of the mind as self-dishonesty.

So to clarify that, I start with fear - it should obvious as most people do not want to live in fear. Within self-infusion of the mind-obsession of energetic systems people though can be seriously dependent on fear and even becoming conscious about it and believing the thoughts what say that fear is good, necessary or even worthy.

FEAR:

noun: fear

    an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.
    "I cowered in fear as bullets whizzed past"
    synonyms:    terror, fright, fearfulness, horror, alarm, panic, agitation, trepidation, dread, consternation, dismay, distress, anxiety, worry, angst, unease,

 verb: fear;

    be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or harmful.
    "I hated him but didn't fear him any more"
    synonyms:    be afraid of, be fearful of, be scared of, be apprehensive of, dread, live in fear of, go in terror of, be terrified of, be terrified by, cower before, tremble before, cringe from, shrink from, flinch from;

People do not realize the consequence of the fear experience to the human physical body as it is in fact harming it, making it off-balance, disregarding it's equilibrium in the interest of the mind-consciousness only and creating all kinds of sicknesses and harms to the body.

An other typical scenario when parents consciously implant the fear to the child's mind in order to avoid the child being injured or killed for instance by always telling the kid "a car will hit you and you will die if you do not look around" with scary voice and it is not a game, indeed children can die and this can bring up serious questions about the living environment where we 'raise' our children as is it really supporting them as expression of LIFE or just replicating consciousness programming to our biological clones combining with some previously accumulated consequences to a being but this day I let this open with only referring to the point that Equal Life Foundation is specifically aiming this situation as well for researching and suggesting possible future scenarios wherein no one needs to fear from killed and we all should acknowledge the innocent pure life expression as what system we maintain for our kids and not making compromises like 'this city is horrible for kids, but what to do I love them, I have grown up myself as well and I did not end up that bad as well, and the kid will be better than me' - which is only 'thin-king' what seems to be just an excuse. But anyway. Fear is not cool.

Having fear as motivation for successful living we might ask the people in Yemen or Pakistan where they each day hear the bombing drones circling around upon them and these machines could be silent but the so fucking smart military engineers have successfully designed these to make specific sounds what - when people - KIDS - hear they should frighten their ass off just of orientation about what is this world about: fear.

• http://www.livingunderdrones.org/living-under-drones/
• http://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2012/09/every-person-is-afraid-of-the-drones-the-strikes-effect-on-life-in-pakistan/262814/
• http://appgondrones.wordpress.com/appg-meetings/psychological-terror-lessons-from-pakistan-and-yemen-on-the-psychological-impact-of-drones-5-march-2013/
• http://www.thebureauinvestigates.com/2012/09/25/drones-causing-mass-trauma-among-civilians-major-study-finds/

It is extreme but until such atrocities are allowed within human 'civilization' - it is obvious what is the main character of the human species - domination and fear.

There is no excuse for this harm to life to accept in any reality - only for those who are already under the spell of fear or totally mesmerized by their own self-interest/ignorance.

Also fear of falling in exam - blocks creativity, the ability to recall memories of the subject properly.

Fear from my partner would cheat me - it is seriously self-compromise why I do not trust in my partner? Or If I can not trust in her/him - why I am with her? - is it really love or just a nicely mind-painted fuckup I represent? This indeed can result in paranoia, killing etc. - not cool.

Fear from the plane would crash - it is also not really helping - and again: the body is in the state of shock, one is not really able to see what is happening here - only the energetic state of fear tunes, triggers, shifts personality - and organs suffer, heart suffer, not cool again.

And also when we fear - we are resonating this and children around us physically can feel it - and they sponge it in and learn it and copy and they will be living also in fear even without realizing what is inherently they are accepting.

Even when we do worry or being anxious - it is fear - being angry, being aggressive - same: fear - fear of loss, fear of fear - coming from thoughts, memory, comparison, separation, not real.

So That is about fear - so to stand up to fear is common sense - I had so much fear in my life and unconsciously still I have to face some - which for writing within 'ranting and raving' - creative 'visualization' within self-honesty and unconditional Self-forgiveness, Self-correction, Self-commitment to let go is really assisting.

One day even science will prove that but until that we can only turn to our 'own' (or not 'owned') Self-honesty to realize.


When one can not use the mind, the definitions, the energies, the constant judgements, comparison, thinking - that also can be experienced as a freaking fearful state of beingness - just look at those people who are on high dose of acid or mushroom and they mind is glowing - some are not able to handle this - and they freak out - because they can not use the energetic mind to constantly juggle out the ORIGINAL fear within with positive and negative thoughts so then they face this fear, which is also in and as the physical body - that should be faced and investigated, understood and slowly but surely - breath by breath TRANSCEND.

Investigate what is Desteni is sharing about fear - very practical stuff, not like meditating on chakra energies to warm up the feelings in the mind - but really face everything we consist of - if you want to stop existing within fear.

Another 'thing' iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis: desire - the sire which to all sacrifice...

noun: desire
    a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.
    "he resisted public desires for choice in education"
    synonyms:    wish, want; verb: desire
    strongly wish for or want (something).
    "he never achieved the status he so desired"
    synonyms:    wish for, want, long for, yearn for, crave, set one's heart on, hanker after/for, pine for/after, thirst for, itch for, be desperate for, be bent on, have a need for, covet, aspire to;

If I look at what desire is - it is like a hunger, a strive, a hollowness, it is also of fear - not trusting myself that I can 'get' what I want - so I go virtual(energetic mind: thoughts, feelings) - instead of directly acting in the moment, no inner reaction at all.

I do not experience what I defined myself as 'needed' - therefore I define it as 'I want it, I miss it', I define myself as 'needy' - and participating within that inner reaction in each occasion - it accumulates - and within the tendency of accepting thoughts, feelings automatically - it generates energy, friction - and I am in the 'need' more and more and to the degree that I disregard other - relevant - things as well as I become obsessed about it - 'it is what I really need' - and possessed with my own self-definition of 'I need this, I do not have it, I want, I want, I want it now'.

It is really like a computer state-machine -

• I define what I need,
• I see myself, I define myself not having,
• I experience myself not having in reality while experiencing in my mind needing and it is friction, energy which accumulates.
• And within defining who I am according to experiences - I define myself as 'having a desire'.
• I fear from being what I define as who I am according to this automatic judgement of this 'lack' experience,
• I fear from remaining within this self-defined experience of 'lacking', as this is what I defined I need but instead of directly and immediately go for it or let it go (or postpone it without reaction)
• I compare within polarity of mind and experience friction of positive and negative - what I experience as negative as lacking what I desire for - and the positive of how I would feel if I would fulfil this desire
• I define myself as 'positive', 'tending towards positive' so I choose to act according to this energetic desire experience to balance out the negative with the positive - what with I manifest friction within to experience
• I avoid to feel as negative, I want the positive what I do not experience, so I imagine, I define and I desire and by that I feel positive - so I want to manifest this feel of positive

I become possessed with wanting to get what I want without consideration of all facts here because I accumulate this energetic play out within my mind, my body, which overwhelms me, feels like I have to get into, I have to get what is the subject of my desire to stop the need, to have the experience of having, to balance out the lack what I had initially - without even questioning why I need that - do I really need that? What would be the consequence of going after that - not only for myself, but for others as well - is it really supporting SELF?

Instead of directly see what I need, what I want to explore and while considering consequences without thinking, without fear - deciding and acting immediately or not act simply - and by that it is direct, not interpreted, virtualized but remaining here all the time in reality. I do not say it is obviously easy - but that would be really living here in each moment.

That 'ability' we labelled as 'zen mastership', 'enlightenment', 'being one with god', 'shaman state', 'trance' etc - but it would be simply LIVING HERE IN ALL MOMENTS EQUALLY AS SELF.

That can be learned, specifically: what blocks this to unlearn, for give ourselves for not living like this unconditionally.

For a moment let us look it as a skill - however just to make things clear again: this should be the 'natural expression' of ourselves regardless to the fact that humans feel more powerful while thinking and not realizing that it is the false prophet within each of us.

Just to mention two typical desires: love and sex.

• Desire for love, the one who I love I desire after - because I do not experience her/him?
• Desire for someone who do not want to be with me or can not be with me?
• Desire for someone else's partner?
• Desire for an imaginary partner with properties I defined myself desiring after?
• Desire for somebody I've seen on an image/in a movie?

For me - desire was mostly because I felt myself powerless to directly get what I want - or even go 'out' from my mind and explore and find out what is good for me by trying out things/experiences/expressions - I had this fear to hold myself back to not live - while my starting point was wanting to live - so I suppressed myself, I used my mind to try to 'live inside by thoughts, feelings, emotions' and with that I accumulated energy and with that energy I indirectly fuelled myself to move towards the subject of my desires - I did not trust within myself unconditionally.

And that is escalating quickly - If I do not trust myself - I do not trust even what I perceive, define, react, my abilities, my senses, my expression, I am not real in terms of everything I participate from specific angles are questionable - so I rather not question or I justify and bind myself to conditions - and then I trust in my desire? Sounds crazy.

Also about sexual desire - what I could not live with my partner out - what I implanted into my mind through books, movies, porn - so then I need to try these out, I need to experience and without that I did not live out what I wanted so I fear from the future projection of myself wherein I did not fulfilled these desires and I would regret it - all in my head - not stopping thinking, not correcting myself, not even realizing that it is not me, myself directly who thinks, only being subjected to this programmatic inner reflection mechanism of the mind as thoughts....

So this energetic overwhelming experience what is referred as desire - is not really supporting living - only complicating things...

So how to deal with desire? Is it not obvious that desire is of fear/separation/limitation/doubt?

Write about it - try it out.

If the desire has consequence not harming others/environment(who knows, especially within a vampiristic capitalistic monetary system what we just see as 'a product' what was the real cost for that to be there)- just get it and live it out while realize that it is not about the subject of desire but maybe how you have allowed to compromise your starting point within the mind consciousness - always needing, always depending, always projecting, always imagining, feeling, desiring to disregard what is here - within experience and then self-definition and eventually within and as physical acting out.

So then when it is exposed - realize - forgive and re-align yourself and walk the next moment.

If desire is obviously not supporting or harming - then investigate, forgive, correct and commit self to stop, to re-align, to let go, to breathe, remain here without influences...

And it is not about 'saying no' and suppressing the desire, putting things under the carpet and not changing at all - as it accumulates and energy possessions will occur when the mind personality takes over and one is not the directive principle, and until energy does not steams off - one is acting according to the desire - and again: lot's of energy in the mind is always boosting separation from what is here, our bodies, others.

It is always the question of Self-honesty and considering physical consequences - which are always irreversible - what happened, happened, there is no turning back, no load from last checkpoint.

When the desire is for experiences - one should realize that it is for the mind - and sometimes it can be okay but even the 'giving into the desire' personality can accumulate.

It is not about being a monk - as they do live these things out mostly - just in another dimensions, not the things what people usually desire for - as sexual partner, power, sex, party, fame - but the same separation they participate within - through and as the mind - so it is not an easy task to face and embrace desire - but it is always a reflection of oneself - can not be fought through - but rather we slow down within and we can catch and understand ourselves with each tiny inner movement, reaction to thoughts, images we accumulate personalities which then we give permission to direct us as reality always works with the simple math of 1+1=2.

So that is about fear and desire for today. First consider consequences, others and yourself in reality - and secondly investigate the origin, the starting point of the specific desire - is it really myself? Is it just an influence, a pattern I've picked up since childhood?

For instance within my desire for a dark, curly haired exotic beautiful woman with great temperament - when I 'had' this experience what I desired after - I realized that even while I saw her as very beautiful - the temperament within my mind was craziness, unpredictability and instability - just as I was and the two accumulated into madness, not caring and sharing so it did not last.

Also I have experienced the utmost extreme polarities of the mind for so many times - so the norm was always enormous intensity for me - and when I was not in these insanely extreme energetic experiences in and as my mind - I was after enhancing, boosting - with thoughts, comparison, friction - and it is quite dangerous to live like this as when one is not fully aware of how these things accumulate - accidents, harmful experiences can manifest.

And within long years always flying high - I've became the very manifestation of these extreme energetic experiences - and it is quite shocking when one sees/realizes/understands that who we really are as life is nothing of these - so all I was living, accumulating was in fact not really myself - so then I had to start let go each energetic experiences to be defined by and moved as my mind and it is still the process I walk(and many within the Journey to Life movement).

There are also some 'spiritual' schools what are operating with desires - to live desires, to let go desires - or wish for desires specifically to avoid unforeseen consequences - I do say that rather not desire but trust Self and be practical and give Self what is required for Self-growth, Self-expansion, Self-realization within Self-honesty while considering Self and all others who are involved: Equally!

Thanks, enjoy, breathe!

Self-support from the awesome EQAFE in relation to desire:

So that is about fear and desire for today. If one does not agree - should apply self-honesty and speak up!
Thanks, enjoy, breathe!

[JTL 143] Gaming addiction support part 3 Tala's story

This is a continuation of:

• [JTL 140] Stopping gaming addiction support part 1
• [JTL 141] Gaming addiction support part 2 - Self-forgiveness
• [JTL 142] Gaming addiction support part 3 - Self-forgiveness II.

This post only entails some of my personal history on obsession of computer gaming to assist and support myself for further Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment. Also to see the extent one can go within gaming while disregarding reality here. I've 'lived' so many 'characters' and 'personalities' which might seem quite limiting or shameful or reckless - but as I walk through - I do not define - I change, I transcend - so today I share one of those characters I've lived: GAMER!
Within this blog I often share points what are obviously self-dishonest, nasty, 'dark' - but writing it out I assist myself to recognize it and I can forgive, commit myself to STOP - that I share, as it is not really who I am but who I've defined - and therefore expressed - myself to be.
That is why this process is also referred as Journey to Life to Nothingness - letting go all what is of consciousness systems -  all I remain as Life and this process is what all walk whether they know consciously or not yet. 

First times

When I was little kid - I saw others playing with quartz-gaming and then went to basic school and all of a sudden I saw a room with full of old style computers (around 1986) and they played 2D platform games(such as Robin Hood)

I was electrified by seeing that game as other kids played and my initial thoughts were like I want to learn how this game works, how to play, to understand how to make such things and that took me forever in the scene.
In my family we could not afford computer in that time so I went to basic school's study group on afternoons into the computer room and first played some game and then started to learn LOGO and BASIC programming quite early.

The pace of that learning was not fast enough for me and as I've found hundreds of old computer journals left over in a dusty store room I actually stole of those in folded bunches and smuggled out from the school in my pants regularly and at home I studied carefully.

In the communism of central Europe there was quite a 'greyish' propaganda against the type of capitalism what we have in the west today so there were things what were unavailable as there was an embargo called CoCom. It meant blocking many products from the soviet block(mostly weapon-industry-related stuff) - as such Commodore 64 computers as well so my deepening of computer science started only when that was over and my mother could afford buying a C64 with datasette for me (using regular cassette for storing data - it was slooooow and uncertain) and from that moment I was really into the computer world and typing in all the programs I've found compatible in the stolen newspapers(no internet) - even one typo caused errors which was quite crazy but programming and gaming with I spent time hand in hand.

After some years when I was in programming and bookkeeping high school and mom could afford to invest into a 286 PC(was about 200$) which I learned to use already in school(as well Mortal Kombat fatalities) and I remember the most intense gaming obsession I had in that time was the game called Civilization.
There is a little unit, a tribe of future nation with one can play to build cities, culture, inventions, military, public relations with and against other nations and with that I spent many-many sleepless nights with and there were difficulty levels as Chieftain, Warlord, Prince, King, Emperor which was quite difficult to win(dominate all the planet or build space shuttle system to send to Sirius before 2120) and I was able to achieve victory on King difficulty which was quite heavy and I was proud of myself quite much.

Meanwhile my mother almost literally had to kick me out to under sun as I was quite obsessed with achieving victory on King difficulty with military domination and science research+build of space technology as well which she obviously not valued and appreciated as much as I did so we had some conflict.(Furthermore when I did not poke the computer I was reading all the time, not just Lord of the Rings style stuff but science as well). Meanwhile I deepened my judgmental personality system with praising mind, thinking, programming, logic, imagination, visualization, fantasizing, daydreaming against physical world, my body, resisting against developing athletic/muscular outfit as other village boys usually do with physical work or workouts. I was introverted, many times petrified and kind of awkward in reality so by judging myself such: I charged myself further into the computer world with programming and gaming.

College

After some there was a different scenario years when at the university my girlfriend bought me a modern computer - it was more than 1000$ what she earned with working in US and she was very smart and practical and realized that this is an investment for me what is required to learn programming with what I will be able to earn money after university and I learned Java programming within Linux operating system quite a lot on that and also playing games such Quake and HalfLife and Heroes games as well, what I was able to play all day with no problem.
In that time I did drink quite some alcohol as well what also assisted my mind to be boosted from all angles(what for alcohol exists actually so I suggest for the ones who decide and dedicate their life for Self-realization to commit oneself to let go alcohol completely with all excuses altogether).

I remember my girlfriend went to abroad to Czech Republic in a spring break and I told her that I can't come along because I have to work on my diploma degree and actually what I did was playing through HalfLife game what I played at least 16 hours a day for a week consecutively. At some points I felt dizzy, tired, weaken in my body, but the story pulled me, I wanted to see how it ends, I enjoyed the variety of weapons, the dimensions, the monsters so much that I just played all day and stopped only for eating and sleeping but even within sleep I had this excitement, when I woke up already stimulated in my mind without fully resting to play and explore more from the game. This aspect remained for long years - also with drugs I felt that - it did not matter that I did not rest fully - as I was boosted in my mind so much that it was like a sort of drunk state but 'positive', 'energetic' yet only caring about the stimulation - in that time the game, it's story, it's interactions etc.
Also there was a game called BLOOD - what we played in LAN in deathmatches(free for all mostly or capture the flag) and there were these weird hooded cultists who threw dynamite with shouting and when killed someone the game said: mutilated, massacred, burned etc so it was really gruesome especially with the part of killing innocents and we played with it for a year many-times and it felt very energetic.

MUD

Login to EV MUD

Another very intense gaming part of my life was MUD(Multi-User-Dungeon) which is a telnet-text based role-playing game(My obsession was called Lost World, a fantasy realm). We could play it only in the Computing Science Center room what opened in the morning and closed at late night and there were about a dozen guys who played MUD all day literally. That was so big part of my life(and some of my college roommates as well) that when we did not drink alcohol and jump around drunk at pubs/street/parties we just talked about that all day, it was really an obsession.
I could write about my experiences of Lost World for days continuously, I was into that for years.
The game is still running, There is still a character Talamon(sometimes I get letter in that from old mates) in there but after university I stopped playing.
I had dozens of characters, there was this 'unlawful' part of the game what meant that with our characters we could attack each others, not just computer-generated foes(who basically just stand at their places waiting to be killed).
There were areas, cities, quests, monsters, items, spells, casts as in usual games and there was also a group what formed in another university from BME(Technical University of Budapest) from a level of a building called R3 and we were competing for the best unlawful scores what was a list at the location of Mafia boss(in the game) and the top 20 was in there and who made it up to there were 'famous'(infamous) in the game and the micro-society of gamers who were mostly university students all around the country and there were actual meetings in towns where there were drinking parties and all night long talks about strategies and great moments of the game.
I actually had my first girlfriend in my real life by marrying a healer character called Orchidea in the game who was a teen girl from another city who with I came together to a long distance relationship for almost a year(that is another topic).
So I had quite some characters in that game and those had to be build with wise craftsmanship and to be able to hunt down others I had to develop ruthless cunning and we used mud clients as TinTin and then TinyFugue to dominate the system, others.
To see the extent of the scripting system we developed, I just give some examples: it automatically reacted to certain texts and auto-attacked given up to 3 target variables and there were 1-2 letter commands with I moved around distant areas and did things and auto-attacked the targets when arrived to a location (%attack_command %v1; %attack_command %v2; %attack command %v3) and also when left a location. When the game answered at all locations as '%1 is not here' - we programmed it to not show these messages up(gag)  and the player-vs-player fights were quick and deadly and we hunted each other all day to go up on the list(kill/killed ratio and kill counts) and we formed clans, lied, deceived etc.
When my maxed out shadow hunter character called Brenner made up to the top of the unlawful list - I was the best player killer by definition: I literally felt myself powerful, feared and envied so when I logged into the game - other unlawful players immediately messaged me to friend me that 'please do not kill me I have to get XP to level up' so I decided life and death and I enjoyed to max out different classes(knight, ninja, psionic, wizard, thief, black mage etc) so I spent many thousand of hours in the game, seeking after thousands of millions of XP points...it was always about raising the character to demi-god level(50) and from there it became more powerful so then by itself could became efficient killer to became unlawful to kill players.
All of it was just texts scrolling up quite fast - so to progress fast and effective - I programmed my client to not see anything from normal game, I did not see the description of places, possible way outs, only what was relevant for effective moving, killing, ascending. Most of the game play I automated with scripts, so I just went around and wiping out all monsters what re-born in each 15 minutes so we had timers for waiting for RESET and rushed through efficiently in 2 minutes for about 5 million of XP and then just chatted for 13 minutes and it seemed as real fun for at least a year...

Talamon character in EV MUD today in 2014

There was an afternoon when one of the player guys have passed out and fell from the chair in the computer lab as he disregarded eating/drinking so long that the body could not take and it seemed funny but actually it was quite shocking. Obviously we were not the greatest pupils in the study systems, I have fallen on math exams for some times but did not matter, I was possessed with the game as in that I was somebody, in reality I was extremely poor, introverted, shy and I literally could not really speak with girls, only when drunk some vodkas so I escaped into gaming many times.
Also it was fascinating to see that at nights some of us sometimes had 'telnet-text-based' dreams, like I was dreaming not as visuals - but text-sentences, descriptions flowing upwards in my mind which was kind of weird...
There were also the guys who became 'wizards', who were the creators of the game, they programmed the locations, quests, monsters, they intended to improve and oversee the game or kick/ban trolls etc.
Another fun we had was to find and use bugs in the game to cheat, to gain advantage or shortcut character development to gain XP(experience point for level up), spell, skill and MONEY.
After all I had so much illegal money in the game so sometimes I just logged in and gave away millions which really unbalanced and basically screwed up the normal gaming of others as well and we felt like Neo in the Matrix(the movie came out after I finished university, so I mention it just to describe the similar feeling we had).
I traded characters with veteran gamers (for instance Jet Li or Xena who were maxed out by using a bug in the game called smith's bug) I've bought for 3 gosser beers and I've made them unlawful player killers as well, I had about a dozen demi-god characters what after I've stopped playing I deleted or gifted away - but the main and first character Talamon was never unlawful and remained in the game even today. 

I even wrote my own area (Fire mountain) for the game what was not finished(in a simplified C programming language)  as I switched my obsession from the game to an actual girl who became "my" girlfriend and I 'fell' for another obsession called 'love' and she was beautiful and we did lots of sex and moved together(another topic).

I wanted to share some details of how much I was into the mud to see from the extent I had to come back for reality. After some years when I logged into the game once I was really shocked by realizing, there are quite some guys in the game SINCE I left while I traveled around half the globe - then I realized the extent of obsession I had before.

After university

The last phase of my gaming was when I was working already and smoked weed more and more and we played all day with every possible mainstream first person shooter games.
I remember once playing with Alien vs Predator on acid - that was the most terrifying gaming experience I had - it felt so real - so then we rather listened music than chasing aliens in the game...
Even after those 'friendships' fallen apart - I was still smoking and playing while I was tripping with acid and went deeply into spiritualism, meditation, buddhism, sacred geometry, mayan calendar  and all that kind of mind-screwups while I was still playing heavily.
There were many games I played through many times, raising the difficulty and really knowing the game, the limits, the rules, learning all about the foes and secrets, shortcuts etc.

The Jedi Outcast I've played the most - with Jedi Master difficulty I slashed so much storm troopers and dark Jedi for years! I literally felt I've became the character and I was moving as the character, there was no separation so I was able to achieve becoming extremely efficient in the game and that was also quite an experience what I was after and later could reproduce and surpass with high dose of psychedelic drugs at "dark psy trance" parties only. I knew the system, the laws, the physics, the foes from inside out and I perfected my playing to a surreal degree. There was a reptilian enemy within the game who was the final dark jedi enemy boss and he said that "Welcome to the future" what I enjoyed quite some(it was in my David Icke listening era)- and also when I tried to force push him - he told that "Dare to push ME?" also was my favourite.

Many of the latest games I also played through - I remember I already started Desteni I process walk out from mind into reality here and there was this voice in my head that 'this revolutionary new game called Crysis comes out what I have to play through - the last one' which required quite an expensive(fast) computer and playing that also opened the whole thing up again as this kind of realistic visual and sound became the norm so then I've played all the modern games as well such as Call of Duty, then Dead Space and many-many more games what I even could not list up and mostly all of those basically.

The graphics is continuously pushing the boundaries and becoming more and more hyper-realistic every day(with billions of transistors in a videocard computing real fast), just an example here:  which took my attention really(however the actual gameplay was not that fun for me).

The strategy games as well were significant part of my life for a while, coming from turn-based games such as Heroes, Civ towards real-time strategy games as Dune2, Starcraft and eventually Supreme Commander and that stimulated my mind a different way.
It is basically war against limited resources and time and when you try to buy something the game says in serious sound: "You do not have enough money" - "You do not have enough power" - "You do not have enough energy" so many times which obviously influences us as words for instance(it can be turned off though) and also it is just war - no matter the cost, domination, destruction, victory is only what matters and it can be fun but when someone plays it all day it is sure influencing our mind if we do not stop and transcend the mind!
Another area is RPG, mostly the ones called 'open-world' which means there is a main story line but it is not obligatory to follow, one just live in the virtual world and explore without the game being a 'tunnel' experience what most shooters are - just levels to walk through where scripted enemies show up to massacre but in role playing games one can choose different approaches, guilds, fellowships and 'character development', such as Skyrim or Mass Effect, Dragon Age series etc...I've played with those as well...
Lately I've found out that regardless of gameplay, graphics, the overall playing experience - without a great storyline, a campaign walkthrough - I've found most of the games boring.
As the story, the world unfolds, the character becomes more powerful, ascending/gaining more weapons and the whole reason for playing seemed legit when the goal to reach I was able to be identified with.
Also my obsession with perfection often caused me to play through a game right after finishing it - so then I do not have to find out/wander around but actually enjoying progressing efficiently.

Conclusion

So after this short retrospective time-travel, I will walk through the energetic feelings, reactions, thoughts I've exposed here, not only about the computer gaming specifically to prepare further Self-forgiveness and Self-correction. Already it is obvious that some words repeat and those seem to be keys for what I was after as experience what I could not LIVE in my reality, what I've defined myself as unable to gain/get/obtain in my life so it is practical to investigate about my existing personality relationships with these words to let go all self-limitation. Also to look why in the first place I wanted to experience such words as myself with gaming...

Writing down all of these gamer 'life' - I see here how much I've invested into experiences what were not real - which is not BAD but who I am today I rather focus to physical world, reality-based problems and solutions, to support myself and others for the betterment of ourselves, our system, existence as I see myself responsible, especially with my abilities and understandings and ability to transcend. Seeing beyond my self-interest, to see happiness is an inside-job so to speak I was able to let go the pursuit of happiness - and focus to the path of humanity I become more and more comfortable to take responsibility for - within equality - each matters as the same - within the current value system it is possible to manifest physical equality on Life-requirements with the One man - One Vote principle which is currently being misleaded and ab-used for power games in a way what is certainly not values life.

I do not see the necessity to stop gaming totally -these are like interactive movie series - though since some weeks I did not play at all) but walking through the memories and associations, reactions within Self-honesty, Self-discipline according to Principled Living - I assist and support myself to prevent more and more obsessions with games by seeing/realizing/understanding the reasons I've chosen to try to 'live' in games instead of physical reality which always meant to accept and allow abdicate responsibilities and accumulate irreversible consequences such as disregarding financial, relationship and many more aspects of myself to naturally grow and expand within the starting point of .....? Fear.

So I will continue walking through the points to support changing and equalizing myself to be able to direct energy instead of energy directing me with my permission what I never explored to understand.
Also to see what I could not face in real life and why and actually TRANSCEND is very possible.

My usual excuse was always the tools I used to transcend seemed imperfect as the psychedelic, spiritual things I did for long years - but with finding Desteni I Process it is absolutely clear that with these tools the limit is only me, it was always me so it is really supporting to study all the Desteni Material and see that this is really supporting so I push myself through my limitations one by one, breath by breath no matter what and explore what is best for all which is also the best for me.

Thank you very much and as previously, I suggest to listen Death by Gaming EQAFE series which is actually more supportive for actual Self-realization than sitting thousands of years meditating on whatever one is obsessed with in the name of the delusional ascension/enlightenment meanwhile common sense is disregarded - so check out EQAFE, explore Self-forgiveness as the most powerful tool in the universe for the ones who dare to live Self-honesty and actually consider all here equally.

Desteni Forum for Self-support: http://forum.desteni.org
Desteni Articles: http://desteni.org/articles