Continuing with 10. Making Love Visible part 1 and part 2 as a point within my Declaration of Living Principles.Still walking the decomposition of definitions, judgements, memories of the word LOVE and starting to re-define what it could be Self-honest Love to see what has to be explored within practical living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/define that I can have a great love, a target for my enormous, unique, world-burning love what feels so strong, so brutally dominating in my mind that the only thing I can think of is to fulfill this love, to have this person of my love and defining this as my real love, the subject of this affection, obsession, posssession as my life lover, my soulmate, my destiny and the greatest value in my life and the more feeling not being able to be with her, feeding this desire more and more to be fulfilled and being confused, disoriented, doubted with the fact that she does not want to be with me, she rejects me and tells me that she is not loving me and thus not understanding this whole thing feeling within me and defining this rejection as the greatest pain possible within me and meanwhile in reality never ever questioning with common sense that how and why I allowed and created this love and why and how not understanding that if she does not want to be with me then if I would really love her, I would want to leaver her alone but not getting it, being obsessed with proving her that my love is true, trying to seduce, win, persuade, mesmerize, make her love me and never realizing the extent I've allowed myself to go just for this and not questioning myself within this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to die, end my life, because defining the greatest suffering as being rejected from the one I've defined as loving the most, and never realizing that this love I've defined is not real love, it is an obsession, an affection, a desire, for something to fulfill, not even related to her, only to my reactions, definitions, values projected to her, separated from me by these judgements, these energetic polarities through, thoughts feelings, emotions and this whole thing defining as me, my love, her as my lover and not realizing it all goes only in and as the mind, superimposed into physical thus until not seeing/realizing/understanding the starting point, the first impression, the accumulation of this creation of this so defined 'love' experience - seeing it all here in one moment through, in each moment, within clarity, within self-honesty, until that it is common sense to not accept it as it is, as who I am and as what I must do, how I must feel, but to realize my responsibility to stop all what is self-defined within self-interest unconditonally.
I forgive myself that I have never realized that all my love experiences, definitions, reactions were always in and as my mind, it was always about me, me alone and trying to use all I've seen/got/learned in this world to fulfill this love as seen in movies/read in books, copied from others and feeling to have a right to apply the 'no matter what it takes to get her love' and thus manipulate myself into patterns/characters/behaviors one after another and see which she would react/be attracted to and then specifying that, making her in fact fall in her mind into a similar experience of self-defined love towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that having so much memories, definitions, reactions to the word love and go into the judgement of 'it is too much', 'takes so much time, too much time, not having enough time, wanting to give into the 'not want to take this much time to walk it, wanting to compress it' - and not realizing that one breath at a time I walk through all what is of mind, and if I allow myself to make a pattern of walking through my mind and not being present, breathing, physical, directive, principled, committed, willing, self-honesty within each moment, I am not walking within absolute specificity, I am trying to walk the mind still in and as the mind in the way that it SEEMS valid, FEELS self-honest, but in fact isn't and thus not walking fully points through, thus not allowing myself to really know what I've allowed, what I must be responsible to stop exactly how and thus creating timeloop as in fact allowing backdoors and possibility, percentage to fall and within that fall only to realize that I've gave into the temptation of judgement with energy and thus having to walk it again and creating another possibility to be frustrated with me and what I allowed to manifest as timeloop unnecessarily.
Thus I commit myself to walk through all definitions, judgements, memories of love, the word love, experiences, reactions, relationships until I am here, present, undefined, self-honest and be able to re-define the word LOVE, how to practically act how to live love what with I and others can live within equally.
I commit myself to stop myself immediately when judging, defining the way I am walking through with self-forgiveness, self-correction, self-commitment about how big/many/extensive it is and realize that I can stop in one breath and whatever I see needs to be stopped, I stop, I stop, I stop until it's necessary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a partnership according to the definitions of love, the feelings, emotions I have about love even when it is not self-honest, when it is not practical equality and support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my insecurities, fears, desires, judgements towards my partner, my definition of subject of my love and expect things of her, want things from her by default, whatever I see as my self-definition of love would be, regardless of her, what she would want, what is supportive for her and me equally within the obsession of living out the desire of my love as defined as I have the right to have what I feel as good and not realize it is good only in the mind as definition, reaction, judgement.
Bringing all back to Self Here what I can apply from this very moment is the following:
When and as I idolize, self-define, judge myself as incomplete, hollow, lacking, I stop and I see in relation to what this comes up and why to stop the perception of need for external fullfillment and within that realizing that whatever I try to use as a reason, need for having an affection, a definition for need for love and the value for love I see/realize/understand that it is only me, for me, and thus realizing that this is not love, only interest, which I prevent judging, defining, just seeing it as it is.
When and as I feel I do not love myself I see what thought pattern concluded to that and how and why and within that seeing the personality mind logic and immediately bringing it back to self here to see what is the separation I perceive with the self-accepted relationship with what specific words what I then apply Self-forgiveness on unconditionally.
When and as I would define an experience of falling, faliure, limitation, I see/realize/understand that it is of consequence of accumulation of participation within starting point of self-definitions which has to be known, understood specifically one by one to prevent going into because I've allowed myself to give permission to my mind to reacting to self-judgement of falilure, fall, limitation to feel anger, frustration, hate and thus creating a polarity, a need for love, a need for positive and within that defining the opposite of what I've defined as negative automatically accept as positive and thus reacting to it's judgement as loving it and thus defining it as what I want and who I am and this whole process I prevent by breathing here, slowing down within, if required literally physically as well, be aware of each breath, each physical step, each movement, feel the body, the muscles, the air in my nose, the touch, the feet standing, and be in this standing within the knowledge of how I allowed myself to exist previously and why and how I stop it and actually stopping and within that stopping stabilizing myself to stand here undefined, present, and thus rebirth myself.
Within this process I stop the previously learned pattern of love which was of fear, of interest and give myself the opportunity, the ability, the integrity to purify myself to be able to embrace unconditional love as being here, being silent within, yet present, knowing, aware, responsible.
Within Living Love Visible I share my stopping, my changing, my expanding within self-stability and when asked for support, I stand and I share how and what I've walked through.
Realizing the Dignity within Self-honest Living and re-defining Love as not accepting anything less than who we are as Life, I stand up for myself and for those who can not stand up for themselves.
Within Partnership I do not accept anything judgement/definition to automatically react to and give permission to thoughts, feelings, emotions to tell me who I must be, how I must be, what I must do, but to realize the point of Equality within each of ourselves here.
Realizing the patterns of the mind within self one can see that most of the people do participate with the same thoughts/feelings/emotions playing out inferiority/superiority patterns and if one does not communicate with her/his partner, when re-defining love within Principle, it can become really frightening for one's partner, especially when the the two are not at the same understanding, not having the same meaning, definition for specific words, especially LOVE.
Thus pronouncing the Making Love Visible as clear, direct, open communication of what one has as a starting point, what with can literally agree with her/his partner and sticking to that and build trust one deed after an other and whenever there is doubt, reaction within the mind then taking responsibility for oneself and for the agreement to ensure that Love is always directed, experienced and shared in and as the Physical, as visible, as agreed, as supportive for all participants equally.
to be continued
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