[JTL 102] Transcending Consciousness

Recently I've been noticed that when I am clear - I am able to hear others 'more properly' - meaning not just hearing the words, but the sound they speak with and that have a lot!

The next point I want to bring up is that sometimes I am not able to make the difference of the reactions coming up within myself in regards to the words they speak and the actual way of how they sound the words, meaning I have reaction to the words, the way how they sound the words and I have self-automation, self-definition what activates so fast that I am not able to differentiate that the experience I have within myself when the other speaks that is that of myself or of the person.

Previously when I had psychedelic experiences I knew this can happen, but in that phase of my life I was unaware of how my mind really works, before the education I've started with Desteni.

For instance when I heard the dog barking on mushroom, I felt like I hear the being, the actual experience of the dog and what tries to 'say' and in that moment I had the laugh so long that after walking 10 minutes to reach the bridge from where I've heard the dog and I was still laughing - as distanced away from the 'dog scene' and still hearing it's barking and still 'feeling like' really within myself, not 'hearing it' and then reacting to it, defining it, but actually my whole beingness was able to embrace the sound expression and that was really-really funny when I've realized that with this sound we are not separated, we are able to directly communicate, we are able to share really complex state of beingness with sound but our mind is in the way, the actual matrix what we live within as our thoughts, memories, definitions, feelings, emotions, reactions, desires, fears, images, pictures, ideas of sounds and all of those things are like den of snakes sliding within our mind and body all the time as ENERGETIC packages containing INFORMATION but separated and symbolized of the actual sound expression filtered through our personality, vocabulary and starting point of participation within physical reality.

So that was loong-loong ago and since while walking Desteni Process I was able to notice sometimes that I have this feeling of 'I hear' the pain, the tiredness, the uncertainty, the mischievousness, the abuse, the fear in humans words, even when they feel great and within their words actually sounding they always expose themselves and it is always me who is the congestion in the equation as actual manifested limitation and separation within the currently manifested Equality and Oneness.

So recently I noticed I am more and more able to observe and watch, hear and notice things I've never did before.

I walk through corridors I've never observed and I have no thoughts, no future projection, no past mastication(fascinating word!) but actually I allow the senses directly reach me and I see how tremendous information I can sense directly.

I have a mate who is kind of fascinating in terms of how his mind and beingness works and he is able to realize things what most people can not but he always limits himself with the sentence: "The reality is too intense, it is too much, I have to blunt, deaden myself because it is too much, so I smoke, I drink, basically I get high.". This was quite time ago but I get what he told: with the mind it is enormous quantity of data - that's why the personality of mind of human likes to categorize, to abstract, to filter, to re-and re-define and conclude and define and pre-program.

Because then it is not too intense. I am in tense when I am reacting with energy, not being physical substance - for a moment look at this as kind of natural, awesome secret knowledge what is now being shared here: if you are directly the substance, the body, no mind - you are connected - not speaking about acid and consciousness, love and energy and light - that is still before the substance, it is part of the 'maya' - the delusion, the trap, what many fall into, no, I speak here about BEYOND CONSCIOUSNESS, consider that - remain undefined for minutes, days, weeks, no conscious mind, no subconscious mind, no unconscious mind, no instinct, no inherent nature, no reptilian brain, no biology, no hormones, no thing in this world can direct me, but I am in the system but not of the system - that I speak about, that I see as possible by transcending mind and consciousness. So.

I travel with subway every workday and there are literally thousands of people. Really close, I mean when I am empty, sometimes it is freaking close, like 5 centimeters there is a face, a woman chest or five.

And I am empty, I am here and I am observing the textures on the surfaces, actually it is like switching from VHS to UltraHD, all of a sudden I see all of the tiny parts of the things - as the little, as the big scale, as equal as one. And actually I am fascinated (alright there are occasions when woman's faces are more focused but still - not as woman but as physical substance! And then I look at anyone and it is the same..)

And that if I try to define, to categorize, to understand, to make sense with who I am: it will not work, it is too much. So I let it go, day by day. And when I am screwed within, like really tired, thoughts flow and worry come - I am like Superman with Kryptonit - just like a tiny wheel within the whole machine, unaware, reacting, wounded with the mind and lost within and as consciousness systems.

I have to let go, I am letting go, I am releasing all definitions, reactions, I am empty, I am open and I am able to see what comes up within - for the fat dude, for the thin lady, for the little dog and for the huge suitcase.
Strange act but I have experience in it so to speak as I used to visit trance parties wherein in high density there are a lot of people, thousands on the dance floor and everyone wants to be at the right spot - and I was using mind-blowing stuffs and with that I had this inner emptiness, but actually it was not empty but all of my beingness, with the mind, the body, the experience, the senses, the information all were liquified and flowing through my perception and by that it was like a big mercury-blog flowing around, and it was very strange and I had details as I focused but in fact, myself who I am today here was also within this whole mercury and I was not directive, not reactive, but the mixture of it - and I was not able to maintain consistency as it was effect induced by the stuff, the substance and it had peak and it had fatigue and I was changing by that and that 'I' experience was not consistent and I mean for that as 'stability'.

So here I am, after some years walking Self-forgiveness, and I see that I am able to step through my personality, definitely I am empty yet here, directive and I see my little desires are of fear and as some mate said yesterday: 'truth makes you free' - and when I am absolutely Self-honest, I see what is my truth, that this part of me is a layer of consciousness which I use for equate myself as original incompleteness coming from my acceptance and allowance from what I have learned through the SOUND RESONANCE of parents, school, media etc.
So then walking Principle as Life as What is best for All then I can naturally align as myself because I do not have 'personal agenda' - of course I still require money, shelter, some fun time, yet I do not lose perspective about what is really relevant, in terms of being aware of that this what I already HAVE - many-many do not have and then I see naturally that I am not really separated from those who lack the basic requirement for living, for surviving!

Then it is not a choice, not a decision, not a philanthropic step to actually consider what would be the solution working not for me but for all.

And when I am more and more empty and silent within the more I embrace and allow others into me, as me - with no separation, no definition and then I stabilize this, I remain consistent as I sort out the reactions coming up by embracing my direct HERE-ness, presence, and EXPANDING AWARENESS breath by breath.

So within this process I see that there is no letting go, giving up myself as actually this self-awareness I currently have is an illusion, a religion of self for what I keep giving sacrifice as ENERGY of mind which feeds off from the PHYSICAL body of myself, of others, who work like slaves for low prices for the ones who have MONEY to buy what they want by desire and inflated, smartly engineered and implanted by the system of establishment of fear which has been manifested as law, government, media, which is literally the external mirror of our inner self as EQUAL AS ONE within Oneness and Equality, therefore all rebel and revolution and resistance is literally Self-destruction.

Therefore to actually understand the world system, I understand myself and I stop what I realize within Self-honesty as Truth as myself as not being really myself and then I embrace what is here, I embrace what I really am, what is literally what is here in and as the flesh, as self is flesh and what we actually do and accept and allow is the only relevant reality.

Therefore to SOUND words what is aligned with who I really am, and actually do and write and say and act the same: I am the Living Word, and I re-align myself with those words what I can live like this, within discipline, principle, real compassion as this Self-honesty is the compass I am on as the PRESENCE always, constantly, I am here.

And therefore the sound of others can come into me as me and I experience it and I embrace it as myself and there is no separation.

I remember Bernard asking on group chat that "Are you able to write to your blog and in the same time live that in physical?"
That is practical and relevant.
So I am re-aligning my blogging to this: writing about what I can immediately change, align and live from that moment and obviously there will be frictions and issues but that I also re-align and I walk and embrace and direct everything what is here within the consideration of What is Best for all.
Without this consideration, I realized - there is no balancing out point and I go into mindfuck sooner or later because that is the basic principle: I am as all as equal as one - and with this consideration - I walk not only myself but AS Universe, as Existence as equal as one without feeling being small or growing big in my ego: I am simply here as Life.

If you are ready and able to transcend mind and consciousness, get assistance, there are beings who walk this since a while and are HERE to assist and support with Self-realization as one can not trust in and as self in the beginning as it is infused and imbued, infected and infested with and as the mind, energy, consciousness.
Desteni I Process course has been set up for effectively support those who are able to walk through the mind and I guarantee that it will challenge anyone who is not direct physical substance with no mind.

[JTL 87] Understanding and be direct change

Journey to Life to stop the madness of each self-delusions step by step, day by day, breath by breath.

Perspective today:

•  Day 469: Self Realization, Writing and Time

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined change and myself to change as reaction within towards it in terms of positive and negative as feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan changing within my mind as thoughts and having reactions to it as feelings as feeling good about the change by self-judgment as 'positive' and already having this positivity instead of realizing it is only in and as the mind - in the physical I did not change, but focusing on the feeling and judging the possible outcome of the change by the feelings I have towards it within and not realizing it is make-belief, made-up, the religion of self which is entirely unreal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the feeling to change is what I've defined as required to change and not realizing that within reacting to feel to change I am in fact not changing, only playing with the idea of changing and thinking to change and within already feeling positive about to change I do not even change in and as the physical, but only and as the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not change in and as the physical but only in the mind and based on judgments towards how I am and how I will be and how I define currently I am as not good and how I define how I will be when I will change as good and then already imagining myself as 'good' and not realizing then I stop to change, not even started to change, but only within and as my imagination which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have never considered changing, as changing as myself, changing myself is something what I must be aware of how I currently am in terms of the aspect of myself to change, and then also being aware how I want to change practically and what to I want to change and without that it is only an imagination what is not practical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined changing as changing by myself, as myself is automatic, regarding to circumstances a starting point is enough, a dissatisfaction is enough of that I am not feeling good therefore wanting to change to a way that I will feel good and whatever I feel good to as imagining myself to be, then I believe that I will be changed simply by an intent to change and not realizing that intent is self-delusion, self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize why intent is self-dishonesty and how I am trapping myself to not really change in and as the physical but only having the intent which is not practical, not real therefore any change is not possible.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to become aware the trap of intent to change as manipulation, as not direct practical self-change within consideration of all what is here and how to change therefore developing a separation within and as me and manifesting frustration, anxiety for not changing but wanting and blaming myself for not changing meanwhile not considering how exactly from what to what I require to direct myself to change with no intent but action.

I forgive myself that I have never considered to become aware directly the point what I want to change, but only having feelings which through defining something as not good, as bad based on self-judgment, self-definition and wanting to change it to feel good about it and then not understanding how exactly I am responsible for that judged as negative feeling and how I am stopping it practically but imagining myself how good would be to be changed and feeling good already by the energetic reaction of the 'intent' also based on self-defined judgment and the word and energetic relationships I've defined to the word: 'intent'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've separated myself from direct physical change and made relationships with energetic reactions which through I intent to change meanwhile all I do is feel certain ways about how I experience myself and how I would experience myself if I could be changed.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to plan changing myself exactly in practical, measurable ways wherein I am directly able to see what I am doing for instance such as housekeeping, clothing, scheduling my days what I've defined as 'it is who I am as I do it currently' however I want to change it and not considering to change it as myself doing it by understanding how I am housekeeping, clothing, scheduling currently and how I exactly want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize the simplicity of changing myself in and as the moment but actually using energy, intent, force and manipulation, energetic reactions, feelings, emotions, thoughts to move me because I've defined myself that directly I am unable to be who I want to be but I must walk pathways and journeys and timeline to change and never considering that in and as one breath I decide and I act as change as the Living Word equal as one as written as spoken as action as myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be the words I write and be the words I speak directly and believing and hoping that it must be time what with I will become the words physically what I write and speak and not realizing that directly I am changing, I am acting as written and spoken word with no separation, no inner self, no interpretation, no definition with physical action.

When and as I intent to change myself I stop and let intent go and I breathe within physical presence and I realize I am not taking into consideration what is here as myself, exactly what I am going to change, how I am going to change and what to I am going to change myself with no thoughts, no feelings, no emotions, no reactions, no good, no positive, no negative, no bad feelings, nothing - I am direct and empty and I am changing myself.

When and as I want to completely change and be the opposite in one moment who I am here I realize the small parts and the apparently irrelevant things I do not take care about within myself as reactions, automation, feelings are equally important to change within and step by step I can change but as direct, physical mannerism and being clear what I am currently changing and what to and not allowing feeling good about it or fearing from failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from if I do not feel good about change then I will not see and realize when I have changed instead of realizing that if I am directly changing myself, I am aware of it therefore not required to have feelings about it to notice, to realize - I am change directly itself, myself undefined, unified, equalized here.

When and as I feel good about changing myself I stop and I let go the feeling, I forgive myself for feeling good for changing and I realize within feeling good meanwhile changing - I am reacting to mind and I am not here as manifesting the change directly as myself, so I stop the feeling and I remain empty and directive.

When and as I worry, I fear, I doubt myself for changing within something I've understood within and as myself, I've considered what I want to change to what and exactly how to do it - I do not accept fear, I let go fear, I remain here, calm, relaxed and I trust myself.

When and as I doubt I can not change, I check within that "Did I understand exactly what part I am changing within myself?" "Am I aware of how I am changing myself?" ; "Am I aware what to I want to change?" And if not, then I script my change within planning within writing, seeing, and I re-align myself with and as myself as the practical change here.

When and as I am not sure what to do or how to change myself in aspects of me - I realize I've not been self-honest with myself in regards to that point I want to change and I take the time then and I write and I investigate within Self-intimacy and explore who I am here what I've allowed to manifest and what is best for me and also for all and then I change myself within that understanding, realization.

When and as I see myself to react automatically to a point what I want to change within myself - I realize the automation is not for change - I stop the reaction - I see what the reaction wants me to do and I do not give into it but I stop myself and I remain stopped until the need for such reaction is here within active stopping myself within being aware of what I am exactly stopping in this moment such as feeling to do something what is in fact leads to doing/not doing something I do not want therefore I do not participate.

When and as I go into energetic reaction for wanting to be stimulated sexually without myself here deciding it within self-direction - I realize it is automated, it is not really me but who I've allowed myself to be directed by and as self-dishonesty as addiction to energy and imagination to disregard what is here as the physical therefore I do not go into the temptation of arousal.

When and as I see that I am going into automatic sexual arousal based on tiredness, boredom, anxiety from within or externally stimulated, remembered to sex by pictures, sounds, symbols - I stop and I become aware that I am changing myself and I am directing myself and the intent to change is not real as to trust in intent automatically to change is the same as to trust automatic arousal believing it is me and it is real meanwhile as it came it will go therefore I stop myself and I let it go and I use common sense to deal with tiredness, boredom, anxiety, meaning resting or refreshment or self-forgiveness to let go specific resistances and energetic self-manipulations.

When and as I worry to have conflict with ex-partner, future partner or even current partner - therefore wanting to be alone and defining myself to be most effective as being alone - I realize I act based on fear and what I fear from, what I want to be separated from is already here therefore I face it and I stop the fear as stopping the relationship to defining myself based on the past, based on the self-definition of not being effective by judging myself in fact not being effective.

I commit myself to stop intent to change and be practical about changing myself meaning being aware from what and who I am changing by how and to what and actually doing it as self here.

I commit myself to change myself not being automatically feel as good towards imagining and planning to change but focusing only what is here wherein in fact I change.

I commit myself to stop trust in feelings and stop the addiction to feel good and want to feel good and to fear from not feeling good.

I commit myself to being aware of when I am feeling good as mind and when I am physically being, directly, feeling good and then not judging myself for it but allowing myself to enjoy myself without fear from not being able to make the difference from mind-feeling to physical feeling.

I commit myself to slow down within and able to question myself and experiences to be able to be self-honest within to see when I am following a feeling within and not imagining and having the intent to change but directly change myself even if it apparently means 'stopping, not participating, remaining here'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to acknowledge the self-delusion within feeling good for future change but to fool myself within and as the starting point of and as the mind of thoughts, feelings, emotions about who I am and not realizing that meanwhile, always in and as the physical is the only real therefore only physical change I directly do is what matters, what is relevant and I stop being frustrated with of seeing something within what I am not self-honest about and observing myself to not change instead of no matter what, stopping myself doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become anxious, worrying and fearful facing feeling bad while changing myself because then within stopping to participate, within directly changing myself I am facing all the bullshit and it's consequences I've accepted and allowed meanwhile not realizing that all the 'feeling bad' is because judging myself as 'bad' for not changing to have a reason for being 'bad' enough to consider to change.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within changing I have automated feelings as 'bad' because facing all the self-accepted judgments and excuses and justifications for why I did not change until here this moment and for the first time realizing why it is inevitable to change because by each excuse and justification for why not face the 'feeling bad' within direct change it is becoming more and more clear that I must change, who I am is to change myself in this aspect of me wherein I accepted and allowed myself to stuck, to loop myself into excuses and justifications.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to respect and appreciate myself within changing myself as I am capable of and doing so meanwhile enjoying to let go the fear and the judgments of polarity of positive and negative and be here as myself directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become excited by even the idea of 'directly change', 'really change', 'at last change' and I am stopping the excitement, I am here, I am empty, I am directive, there is no need for being excited for being self-directive, this is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress within myself all the things I wanted to change within and as myself, my mannerism, my expressions, my movement, my sounding, my words I speak, my actions I do because I've given up on myself and defined who I am as currently I accept myself to be and not realizing the ability to change myself within self-trust, self-dedication, self-discipline, self-will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to feel empty within writing self-forgiveness to be able to stop it and not realizing that I am writing the Self-forgiveness within Self-direction and not Self-forgiveness makes me write and I am not to feel empty but to let go all which is not real, which I've defined according to fear, judgments, intent, feelings.

I am direct, I am here, I am decision and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words and allow words to have meanings and relationships with other words and reacting to those with feelings based on words as well meanwhile not realizing the common sense to purify myself and my relationship to words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not trust myself here as presence but trusting words, trusting writing words, trusting saying words but not trusting myself as saying, writing, doing words as equal as one, always, unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a need to think and have thoughts resonate within my head that 'I am here' instead of being directly here as empty mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forgive myself only that what I think of I should forgive and trusting thoughts popping up what to forgive and fearing thoughts coming up constantly and not realizing I can stop the thoughts and it is not about stopping the thoughts, or not stopping the thoughts but about can I remain here, consistent and disregard the thoughts and I am the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here as breath, be aware of and as breath while writing and realizing that disregarding breath is for regarding thoughts, self-dishonesty as thoughts without realizing the thoughts and self-dishonesty of thoughts for what I allowed  as creation as separation from myself within the starting point of fear of loss.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically use 4 count breath for stop and suppress specific thoughts and believing I am stopping myself and in fact only doing that for certain thought patterns I do not face, question, investigate, understand but allow, suppress and not change myself to disregard by seeing in common sense what conflict I do not want to resolve in my life for what the specific thought reflects back my self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to become aware of what thoughts I suppress and force 'down' within and in fact forget to not deal with, to not understand the self-dishonesty I encoded to react with in order to realize within what I must change, stop.

I commit myself to become aware of all thoughts within which all represent an aspect of me what is of not real but of fear what I remember and investigate, understand and direct myself to change the starting point, the origin, the actual self-dishonesty for what the thought I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use writing as release and not realizing that within writing I am not for practical real change to ensure but for feeling change, feeling changed, feeling released from not changing.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize I've been deceiving myself within stopping myself and changing myself instead of realizing that only changing in mind and in physical not changing and the proof for that is still thinking, still feeling, still charging up and releasing with energy instead of transcending the self-dishonesty and the judgments towards self with I generate energy what I require to release.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to practically walk through each justification and excuse why I do not stop the addiction to energy and to see/understand/realize exactly how and why I am defining myself at specific situations, scenarios, circumstances according to this energy, according to my judgments of positive and negative to the energy which is self-dishonesty to cover, forget, repeat and judge, define, justify and remain as until I directly not STOP, really, physically.

I forgive myself that I have not considered to see my location within I am at in and as physical existence, to motivate myself with and as principle and to direct myself in and as breathing action.

I forgive myself that I have not considered the responsibility I have for myself as existence as all life in each moment and every breath.

For Self-education, I suggest to invest for real values with what you can start grasping how to practically change for taking responsibility for all what is here as Life, not just imagine and feel but actually be change as real physical time:

Kryon, Reptilian and Quantum Mind Self Awareness Interviews available on EQAFE.

When and as I experience feel for energy, lack of energy, too much energy and seeing reaction as excuse and justification for why not moving and doing what is common sense, what is best for me, what is best for all within Self-honesty, I motivate myself as responsible for existence as myself as equal as one and not accepting any separation, not allowing to be less than who I really am as All as one as Equal as Life.

When and as I am not aware of what is Best for all and what should be my next move within consideration of all what is here, I realize the currently accepted and allowed abuse through the monetary, corporate, political, educational, media systems within which I place myself into those people's shoes who are disregarded, neglected, enslaved, abused and destroyed in the name of surviving, allowed in the name of love, god, feeling good, enlightenment, happiness, evolution or any interest what does not practically act in the principle of 'give as you would like to receive' considering all life equally - and I realize the importance and necessity to be part of a group which is for Real Solution such as Equal Money System, Equal Life Foundation, Desteni I Process and I support the group as myself as all Life as purpose as manifesting Physical Heaven on Earth for all unconditionally within the realization of who I am as Life.

When and as I define entertainment as required for me I realize that it is for feeling as well therefore if I automatically move towards entertainment - I am not yet free as I am self-defined through and as energy towards words with I feel better myself by disregarding what is here as the physical, therefore I stop and I breathe through the need and want for feeling and I realize I can be relaxed, natural, absolutely myself while being active and directive without feelings and enjoy myself within self-honesty.

[JTL 35] Difficulty: When I am suppressing?

DIFFICULTY:

To see when I am suppressing and when I am not reacting to already manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define difficult at times to see the difference of what to do regarding to not suppressing the shit verus not reacting to already manifested consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from consequences of suppressing emotional supressions within that trying to stop manifest more consequences by being aware of what I am doing and how I am responsible for manifesting more consequences what I fear from suppressing again.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within suppressing emotions(to make sure it is not misunderstood in this context, specifically referring emotions as negative energetic movements - in opposite towards positive feelings) to experience feelings in order to remain the fine-tuned happiness-seeking organic robot machine - I am trying to play a some sort of superhero consciousness like taking all the hits and bullets into my body, shaking for a moment then by absorbing just acting like not happened except the moment it hits and going forward where I decided to go without applying common sense.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that what I decide I play that I am bound to that - regardless of what is common sense and in fact what would be the best for all(participants).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always try to do what I decide and it is what I want and what I want is what I will manifest and that's it and within that I try to superimpose my want into physical reality - and if it will not work - then I will face the consequences - and not realizing that absorbing emotional storms into and as my human physical cells is not the solution because only being aware of the emotions for a moment and in the next I am apparently clear - however not being aware of that by actions I manifest physical consequences not only in my body but in reality as well what can not be changed once it's done.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to slow down and remain here to be able to see within myself what I am doing and why in every moment of every breath therefore allowing myself to be occupied within reactions and wondering about is it right what I do or what would be the best way to do meanwhile within physical I continue deliberately
-remain not sure that what I do is suppressing or
-just being busy 'proving myself to not react to already manifested consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I do not react to something what bothers me, it will immediately be removed from my life and I will be free and not realizing that I must change within completely and I must direct my reality as equal as one without inner reaction and where is uncertainty, self direction within absolute self-honesty is lacking.

EQAFE support on absorbing and suppressing versus realizing within and as the physical:

When and as I am not sure I am doing what really I want and finding it difficult - I stop, I breathe, I let everything go and if it keeps coming back, or I see that I shall write it down and work it through with self-honest writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitment - then I am already clear what I am going to do and I am allowing myself to enjoy to explore self-honesty within such action without any condition, energy, reaction.

Try DESTENIIPROCESS-LITE course!

[JTL 24] Intensified Entertainment as Enlightenment: evolutional mind interest part 1

How can you prove that you are not pre-programmed if you can not change yourself by self-honest decision?

I am continuing on my previous post by decomposing my relationship with the word: entertainment

• [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible
• Can Human nature change?
• Resistance to change
• Entertainment points
• Day 345: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part Four)

My family I've defined as always on surviving versus entertainment.
Entertainment seemed to be like what one wants to do and enjoys it.
Entertaining meaning taking a break from hard work, from serious fight within the system to get what we want.
Entertainment seemed to be something what is worth fighting for.
Entertainment was so valuable that most of the family members when they wanted to do their entertainment, they did not like when someone asked to do something what seemed like work and not entertainment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as resting and rewarding from surviving.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as taking break from hard work from serious fight within the system what I want and then when I already have what I've got, then the result is entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as something what is worth fighting for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I've seen within family that when being occupied with entertainment, it is not pleasant 'feeling' when being asked to stop it for doing something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not liking and frustrating when I have decided to go on entertainment and then being asked for do something for someone or because of something what is more obvious that is more important I have to stop my entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I am occupied with what I've defined as good and disregard everything and everyone else what is not entailing within the current entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a LOT of things as entertainment and then when those happen, then defining it as good and when it could just almost happen and then I almost expect it and then it does not happen then that defining as bad because I was expecting energetic experiences of within entertainment what I do not experience so then I experience disappointment what I've defined as bad.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within any self-definition I am limited to that information who I perceive myself to be and within that definition within the duality system I am part of a closed system within what there are rules what I can not change only with another duality-based system except when letting all go and not define and do not react to definitions but breath directly here within physical expression.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I've defined myself a center point within doing so and in that moment I am re-living, re-defining, re-charging within and as myself as energy according to my definitions, relationships, connections, associations, memories, reactions  about that specific word.

For instance the words are:
-computer; games
-movies
-taking an adventure(travel/hiking/walkabout)
-going out to party for pubs/caffeteria/dance hall/gather around fire/flat party/cooking party/haircut party/alcohol party/drug taking party
-art painting/workshop/visiting gallery/cinema/theatre/shows
-sport for instance football, running, ping-pong/martial arts/yoga/meditation(sitting doing empty vase effect)
-technician workshop for instance airplane modelling/morse workshop/construction workshop/computer workshop/programming workshop/photo workshop/filming workshop

Alright so then one can get what I MEAN entertainment.

However the twist came around when I've started to define myself according to these activities, for instance for a while with these I've participated within - and most of them I've written specifically as the center of the activity, for instance with alcohol I've did many of these - but then the center was not drinking alcohol, but it was just an effect on the specific self-defined entertainment activity for instance party or vandalism or dancing etc.
But there were times when the main goal was to absorb as much alcohol as we could (@ university; hell yeah) - and then we did not do anything else in particular, we just went to the shop, I took 2-3 bottle of wines, I drunk it and then after a while I went to sleep so then from here looking back the 'backbone' of the activity was 'drinking alcohol'. So.

Entertainment was twisted within and as me because as I've started to define myself according to doing these activities and while doing so, defining myself as 'this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I experience' - and then by that I've became it - the words I've got, the deeds I've did, clear.

But not really I've defined these as entertainment - more likely - 'this is who I am and in this moment this is what I do because this I've defined as I wanted to do so or I just did and then I've reacted to with consciously feeling as 'positive'.

So then entertainment was linked with positive feelings, moods, reactions mostly because apparently it was by a decision made by me when I had the chance to apparently decide and then I've moved towards these so within that movement I judged myself that 'okay, so then that is me, because that I chose, that I like, that is me then' - Or if not so, then the positive/negative ratio was still positive and by that I've defined as 'my precious'.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as specific words and then doing regarding those specific words - it was automatically linked with entertainment - because within 'fighting the system' and 'surviving for money and things what are required' I could not do such things while I could link my activities towards those words what I've defined as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending time with computer, computer games, movies, adventure, hiking, traveling, walkabout, party, caffeteria, pub, dance hall, fireplace, flat party, cooking, haircut with friends, drinking, alcohol, drug, art, workshop, gallery, cinema, theatre, shows, sport, running, ping-pong, martial arts, yoga, meditation, technical skills, morse, modelling, construction, computer tech, programming, photoing, filming as entertainment and when defining or associating or thinking or hearing these words I react with the relationship within and as myself towards and as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to entertainment and becoming frustrated when I have no opportunity to do entertainment within and as self-definition regardless of physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive myself doing and then defining myself so and then referring myself by those definitions and then associating towards the memory of such activity only with those specific definitions as words and not realizing that within self-definition I am self-limitation, self-automatization, self-suppression, self-dishonesty.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive and become addicted towards always wanting to boxing my activities towards labels, definitions within, specifically limiting my expression towards such specific words for instance watching movie is entertainment - regardless of what kind of movie or what is the reason or what is my physical experience.

And this might seem like I am crazy and I fear from entertainment and there is no such thing, but when I am losing life-awareness as all as equal as one as here within entertainment because of automatic association and reactions and energetic bounding within - for instance wanting to play computer game every week for hours or wanting to have sex with my partner every day just because that seems good for me meanwhile not really considering that if I define myself according to that - I become these words physically and then when not doing so then I might experience lack and devotion towards as formed a habit and not direct absolute presence awareness what simply accumulates within the simple math of 1+1=2 and then that compounds and then that energy might take over and THEN I am unable to consider what is best for all - even what is really best for me as well - so that's why I simply equalizing my relationship - purifying my inner sanctum - with the word entertainment - to not be obsessed yet not judge it as bad or good and not even fear from fully experiencing it without the concern that I might lose 'perspective within' - so that's why I write all out within and put everything in front of me and then seeing the words what I contain and then I see my mind and then what is not absolutely self-honest, for instance even doing hugging and flirting with a woman who is not my partner meanwhile I have an agreement in the moment 'in reality' that we do sexual flirt only with each other simply because we agreed on that and we live the words what we speak -- and in the moment the entertainment dimension within and as me simply intensifies and within the excitement I go into that expression with an other and then I face the fact that I am not doing what I speak and that is already a self-compromise, self-disempowerment, because next time I say something, I might fact the possibility, that then that words I will not again express because the more I say different than I doing - the more I realize it is no matter what I say, what I state, what I agree on with words, and then I am untrustworthy, not only for my partner, but for myself and then that might cause conflict within as well. Sentenced to dare to share ;)

I have done accepting and allowing such impulses to do hug and flirt with women because I wanted so meanwhile I've judged that is not good for my partner and for myself as well - yet I've accepted those and did not stop - or at times came back - and I am sure I can change and I can stop such reactions within without fearing I am becoming empty and dark because the more I stop within the more I directly experience that is obvious within and without as well. So Self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments are assisting and supporting me to be aware in the moment to make a difference, so I enjoy expressing myself doing so.

So for me for instance flirting with women who I do not want to be partner with - even when it is clear that we just flirt - if I agreed with my partner that we do not do such things - then I shall not, regardless of any excitement.

So that's why I walk through the word entertainment because for me enter taint-I meant to be within occupations what are not always - or even never - is what is best for all if that pre-programs conflict within myself and my partner into the future, so it is unnecessary.

So That explanation was some sort of clear for me but writing it out - it is here and anyone can read it and I have stabilized myself within writing it out and that not means eternity but for a moment as a structured, stable, consistent self-support to be able to always consider all participants within my reality within the interest of what is best for each. And that is very possible, even if it takes years, I'd rather do it than judging it before try.

Because within writing I pour out the bucket of words what I react to and what I consist of as description of my reality within duality from self-definition to undefined direct self-expression.

And duality I mean for instance there is me and there is a subject and there is the act of subjecting by words for instance seeing crying somebody and then I react with the word sadness - however I am sure not all crying is sad.
Because this mind of defining and defining and defining ad-dick-tion is really the act of self-separation within perception and then by that the automatic physical manifestation is really limiting.

All the explanations are in the words for why I write self-forgiveness - because this is the most practical way for oneself to face what has been accepting and allowing since the beginning and this tool is the constant self-reflection that I want to change and then am I really changing or only saying so or by forces outside of me towards self-interest or avoid conflict only for instance or dare to consider the best outcome and change currently, already manifested self according to that.

So continuing on decomposing entertainment:

Throughout the years I've refined entertainment more and more, and evolved within the sake of intensity and specificity.
The most intense experiences for a long while were about facing women, simply looking into eyes of women - that always seemed very exciting and in fact petrifying(of the fears what are irrelevant here but facing enormous fears always seemed intense for a reason - that's another topic;) but there I had no self-direction so for a while I avoided that until alcohol came around me at the university.
And then I was able to interact with women and I was able to experience the word party and in the 'central european style': drink, fight, curse...

Then the literally blood-fighting alcoholic raves for wild music with lot's of delirium the inner animal as rage against the machine of self came to surface and for a while I was specifically working on getting drunk that much that I could to have an experience the 'film-break' within my mind - when I had the continuous memory of the night and then from one moment for a while I did not remember.
Then I've deliberately reached the mind-state of that I did not know what happened, I did not remember what I did, what I didn't, nothing. So then with alcohol that was interesting entertainment - not remembering myself - that seemed somehow relaxing - for a while I did not experience myself literally. This could be also an other topic as within White-Light experiences with acid I've had similar but from another starting point.
But with alcohol it was always obvious that is self-destruction as multiple family members has been proven that to me quite literally, especially my father who went nuts and died utterly in a drunk accident.
Also I was quite neurotic and consumed that much alcohol that I had stomach problem and for a while I've experienced hell in terms of my physical body was so screwed up than doctors told me that I have to take stomach-acid-calming pills until the end of my life what pissed me up so much so then I wanted to change, really change. In that time within my relationship still I was not directive, supportive, caring, but reactive, I could not really be myself and my partner was really unstable as well and then we just did split.
And THAT was my greatest world-burning, everything-changing, everlasting enormous really intense one billion celsius degree hot 'love' - what was just gone and that was quite a disappointment - because for years I've put everything on that - not into real practical physical love within equality, but within my mind - that was really something what I wanted and then I've got it and then I've (we) screwed it up and we had to let go each other.
So after that I've been sucked into the self-vacuum of psychedelic/spiritual scene wherein I've fulfilled my mind-domain-exploration and the physical(also sex) was disregarded for a while. There was a guy around who told us that 'you are druggers, for druggers there is no need for woman' - because then I was constantly stoned and tripping...

With LSD and MDMA and SALVIA within various and specifically planned or randomly shocking mind-blowing experiences I've had a grasp of a definition of intensity in terms of the possible frequency domain of experiencing the extremes of the mind.
So then that changed my definition of entertainment and intensity for sure.

Somehow what can be seen as entertainment - each one can define it differently, for instance for me computer games is entertainment, for somebody else is work and job and money.
And also computer programming seemed to be quite an entertainment and then I've defined myself according to that and then this I do all day for get my coins for buy my dreams true literally and it is quite far from still being able to find this 'entertaining' by being a corporate cog within a system what do not cares about all life equally but mostly about the revenue.
So then I've redefined entertainment in a way that seemed legit by not really saying that what I do is 'entertainment' - but it was a 'journey for self, for a path for attainment for finding and fullfilling myself' - and for instance the delusion of 'enlightenment' was the most jolly-joker excuse for anything I've done - because anytime I've faced any doubt that what I actually do is just 'entertaniment' - then I've told to myself that 'this is also requires for the realization of who I am and who I am not' - regardless of going to night club or stealing stuff from a shop or smuggling refined Nepali pollen- I've successfully persuaded myself with the idea of that this is all part of my enlightenment and nothing to be judged, in the moment I or others would judge it, I was automatically ready with the reaction and excuse and justification answer of that 'this is my path'.
And then entertainment was literally tainted with self-interest without even the need for realizing it, even within the apparently most unsignificant details, for practical instance:
-playing assassins creed 1 game was about 'realizing conspiracies' and unrevaling mystical knowledges and connecting crumbs of informations within this system about the real reality - when in fact it was just a roof-jumping simplistic sword-game
-taking acid weekly for my self-realization because within the experience I had moments within vivid, calm, apparently clear inner experiences, regardless of the fact that for days I did not do anything except walking around in a time-remapped mirror-frenzy while being unable to take the smallest responsibilities by saying -'sorry I am tripping now, I am unable to consider the physical, but this is The most important thing one can do'.

some word play:

enlightenment /entertainment/ain't 'n ment /enter train I ment to be pre-programmed

In light I ment = enter train I 'ment to be as psy cyclogical con sequenceof self-in-dearest

So then I've simply persuaded myself with the things I was occupied with were in fact the part of my journey to enlightenment, self-realization and those are really specific and special so then I was able to enjoy those without too much doubt and no reason or conscious justification was required simply I was taking what I seemed to be needed and that is fascinating and the feeling of the energy of enlightenment was some sort of authority for just do whatever I wanted because I was 99.99% persuaded within myself that this is the best scenario and this is what is best for me and therefore helps me to reach the enlightenment and then that must be best for all as well.
And that was done with the catalysts of spiritual methods and drugs - intensified energetic self-made-up hyperspace of entertainment - but when faced real transcendence points for real, physical, direct change for stopping something what was obviously self-dishonesty: all proven to be fucking useless from time to time by facing real physical irreversible shitty consequences of self-deluded participation until the veil was dropped for real.
So the refugee within anything but self here within absolute self-honesty as all as equal as physical life is always a fuckup and manifesting irreversible consequences within and as the only stable and constant and consistent dimension what we all equally share: the physical.

And that is responsibility.

So I am almost ready to start re-defining entertainment within responsibility for all what is here equally. But first self-forgiveness on those perceptions is required to let go the self-compressed symbolism of self-interest and letting go the hypnotic trance of fear what is hidden behind all the pre-programmed personalities behind entertainment/enlightenment and survival/fighting.

Journey to Life is literally a Journey to Life - word by word, breath by breath. Changing perspective from self-interest to All Life-interest. Can you?
 Participate and enjoy to explore a starting point what is beyond any con.