This can come up at weekends when I have two days for doing things I want and there are so many things I could do and in fact I want to do a lot and this overwhelming experience can take the edge of my clinical decision making of what is really priority and should do with the full of my beingness.This overwhelming experience is in fact worry and fear of not having enough time which then changes my attitude, presence and the way I feel and thus express myself and based on that there is still a tendency to accumulate it into a specific type of frustration which triggers a typical self-accepted response of the least practical yet still self-defined automatic behavior of self-stimulation.
What I experience is a layer of worry and frustration which triggers the need of being stimulated - there were many kind of things I used to stimulate myself with - some were quite self-dishonest and self-abusive: simply delusional for instance obsession to sex, porn, alcohol, drugs, danger, adrenaline, even crime in order to intensify enough the mind I've allowed myself to exist within and as to equate the already manifested negative experiences with what I've defined as positive, interesting, adventurous, good, fascinating and then riding these extreme amount of energetic experiences and by that defining myself to be alive and feel unique and special and just flying through reality.
Well that type of stimulation is over, I am sober, quite stable and in terms of self-abuse I am manifesting a self-agreement with my physical presence, human body to establish a practical, liveable unification within not accepting anything self-abusive, self-dishonesty so facing the living of a change which is not always obvious so in this case the layers of belief systems are unfolding one after one and it is not just about self-realization as "AHA, I SEE" as it is the tip of the iceberg, the beginning of the physical work of the real-time change who I am in each breath within consistency as the constant awareness of self-direction of change within and as the very decision of practical transcending the points of energetic addictions.
Within that I am realizing that the very reasons I've stuck myself for mind-altering substances for a while to intensify my experiences(alcohol then drugs mostly) was to hide from the already manifested creation of who I really am and thus until I did not stop the consuming of these substances I did not even have the chance to see why I really used these, hiding and trying to escape from what exact starting points within myself, the very manifested energetic experiences I've used as myself as personality about how and why I've created myself this way and remaining so - as long as I've kept alive these characters within myself with the mind-altering sessions - I've remained within the same cycles.
It required absolute Self-honesty to realize that for instance even when smoking weed all the time - and inducing apparently more and more new cool reactions within myself - it was all the same - from it's starting point - inducing energetic states which initiated from the same: the already manifested issues within myself what I've covered up with this kind of stimulation.
And when stopped the weed - the patterns came up and the judgements, reactions, thoughts - that was the same always - as the very same personality 'made me smoke' always and they very same personality was boosted always with it - and when I've decided to explore what is beyond these patterns I've realized this is sooooooooo limited, so much the same and in fact the very opposite of the idea of freedom so then with Self-honesty, the stopping was simply common sense.
There is this saying that "You do not truly know someone until you fight them" - and I'd change that:
You do not truly know yourself until you stop yourself.
Because to stop who you are - you have to know yourself - and if something you can't stop - it's common sense: it is not self here - as you should be able to stop yourself, that is why called 'yourself', right?
Sunette wrote this article once:
and it is extremely supporting to see one's mind and to what extent we give permission to our mind to influence, separate, stimulate who we are within starting point, perception, the words we use and from that what to act out:
You sit down and you say "I stop all of me" - for a moment, giving the time and situation to not need to care with the world, just for half an hour and just sit and say "I stop all myself, I stop here and remain just be here".
And then from that moment - whatever moves within me - energies, thoughts, images, desires, worries - it is not self here - as self all self can stop is directing to stop for the moment - so then with this simple act we can see the extent how much we accepted and allowed to give permission to the mind to move automatically to influence, stimulate, direct, move ME here.
So for being able to question ourselves we stop for a moment and this requires to know who we really are - otherwise the attempt to stop self will not be absolute and by that it is possible to see what is really here. And to always use energetic experiences to influence, move me without understanding me - it is just like oil to fire - everything intensifies and within the experience of intensity then that is in the focus, not it's origin, not reality as self here.
Meaning that one does not know oneself until stopping all alcohol, weed, crystal, acid whatever is reasonable to help through oneself within one's life and experiences.
The very fabric of our beingness is the physically manifested dependency on the act of relying to fear, separation, judgement and excuse and justification, hope to avoid direct confrontation of what is really happening in reality, what it is what we exactly accept and allow within our world today in each moment thus realizing the responsibility for what creation we are busy participating within as self here.
For my part within this - is to realize that the substitution for all these energetic addictions when there is any worry, frustration is this self-stimulation which is currently I am accepting sometimes as the need and justification for entertainment.
Specifically meaning when I have many things to do - if I am not practical, if I am not prioritizing, if I am not considering everything here - and react, judge and lost in a reaction to any detail - a part of myself which I do not yet fully know - I allow friction, reaction within me which accumulates energetic reactions ending up fueling certain aspects of personalities automatically by giving permission to act out the character of 'relaxing, chilling, being entertained' and within that to react with an other set of reactions to re-gain the apparent equilibrium in my mind to deal with the frustration meanwhile not realizing that this is just a time loop and not the solution.
So to approach this practically I apply Self-forgiveness to see what are behind these patterns and how to correct myself within self-honesty to prevent further frictions to manifest what takes my attention from facts here to be able to really deal with things I am committed to such as be part of the solution for self-realization and for humanity as a whole wherein everyone can live within dignity and not need to fear from left behind and starve to death. Simple.
I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to really-really prioritize my time because of the fear of not having time for things what are obviously not priority yet fearing to let go or not wanting or not being able to let go for the sake of priority because of the worry of missing out or fear of regret because of not doing it and not engaging into self-intimacy specifically within these points and moments because then I would really see that all attachments I am holding onto and react to are of the past, not here, not real, only the fear-of change, fear of loss I give into because the fact that still participating within self-doubt, fear of facing and living who I really am and trying to gain time and hope meanwhile in fact manifesting the very point I fear from which is losing time and opportunity and in fact who I really can be without even really exploring who I could be.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself unconditionally and realizing that I've defined myself wanting to do all things I ever could do and because of fear of making the decision what I really want to do and that is because fear of mistake so still wanting to remain within the original idea of "I could do anything, whatever I'd choose" and fearing from losing that because that gives a certain reaction of apparent "freedom" which I in fact use to equalize the already self-accepted judgements and relationship I've defined myself to be in this world as "being powerless slave" so then always wanting to remain within the point of "absolute freedom without doing something yet being sort of "drunk" of the idea of "I could do anything" because fearing from not being able to do anything.
And within that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to really decide and commit myself to do one thing with absolute full of my beingness within the fear of loss of the idea of self-defined idea of freedom and also the fear of failure, fear of mistake and thus defining myself based on the mistakes I would make and then accepting myself to define myself according to experiences what I judge, defining myself who I am according to the self-definition, judgement, thinking mechanism and not realizing that the thoughts I accept and allow come up and possess me are not myself as life directly here but as the manifested reflection of what I accept and allow myself to be within the starting point of separation, fear thus the solution is to stop these self-definitions, stop the reaction to these thoughts, find practical ways to prevent myself reacting to these thoughts and embrace these aspects of myself and stop and remain stopped and explore what I can be and become beyond these reactions.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the solution is to stop acting upon frustration and stop playing along with that character of stimulating myself with entertainment and when I am able to stop, I can apply prioritizing effectively.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to dig deeper within myself beyond the energy of frustration of not having enough time and realizing what it is really I fear from specifically in the situation of having a weekend and what to do which is the best for me any my reality and not realizing that I am not seeing directly here and my starting point of self-doubt because of defining myself within experience, within fear of loss, within fear of letting go the idea of freedom and not questioning it and by that not deliberately not wanting to realize that the self-created idea of freedom is in fact self-limitation.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that how things really work in real time and space and by that being able to plan and do through things I direct myself to and also being that an uncertainty on how to practically approach something getting done because being lost in the self-defined reactions of experiences of worry of not being able to get it done and not realizing that the solution is accumulate self-directed steps one by one within stability meanwhile focusing on preventing frustration from reaction to limitations and also seeing what limitation I experience is self-perceived and which is physical reality and by that being able to work with facts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting go the idea of freedom of I can do anything without realizing that it is not real freedom, only within my mind - and when trying to live that perceived freedom I can really see how it is exactly self-limitation and fearing from realizing it I'd rather allow myself to be frustrated by fear of failure, fear of loss of freedom by actually start doing it and realizing what really would mean to do it and focusing to the experience of worry and frustration and it's band aiding with another layer of experiences, rather than questioning it and myself and how to stop and prevent that happening and really start exploring within physical self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within entertainment and self-stimulation with things what I react to with intensity, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions are real and good and positive and not realizing that it is for an other layer of mind to equate, stimulate and the very reason and giving into entertainment and the idea of entertainment is because of that point.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that even with the word entertainment I've formed a relationship what I've defined as price, gift, result and defining it as then I can feel myself good and not realizing it is a polarity and by that whatever I do which is not entertaining would mean it can not be cool therefore determining my experiences regarding to the duality of entertainment or not entertainment and by that automatically creating this friction within of negative and positive and defining it as who I am without questioning the relationships I've allowed with words defining what is entertainment, who I am in relation to entertainment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to entertainment and defining it as not cool and blaming myself for doing it and not realizing that if I focus to entertainment only and because of escaping a state of mind into it becomes a problem, not focusing on solution and not being able to direct myself effectively, according to priorities to engage entertainment within self-honesty, without friction, without frustration.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that within memories of entertainment there is already an association to frustration of possibly doing it out of frustration even when not and also fearing from remaining within entertainment if enjoying it too much because defining it as overcoming frustration and if fully enjoying it then fearing from wanting to be entertained constantly and never considering self-direction, self-honesty, self-will to prioritize and support and actually enjoy myself regardless of the relationships to specific words such as priority, entertainment, frustration, enjoyment and conditioning myself to think that if I enjoy myself there should be frustration and if I do priority then it should not be enjoyment instead of equalizing, unificating myself in practical real time and space considering facts and letting go fictions one by one by applying self-honesty and focus to what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate prioritizing things to do based on frustration and entertainment instead of considering what is the best for me and all within absolute self-honesty and if not being able to consider what would mean this in practical action then directing myself to investigate, see/realize/understand and investigate, decide and will myself doing what I can within self-expression.
I realize that I can enjoy priorities what are in fact myself thus I can enjoy myself and the practical question I can ask is that what is the reason I am not enjoying myself and using common sense to see when enjoyment is possible or even relevant and not trying to define myself or refer myself according to enjoyment thus manifesting another polarity and duality and friction and separation within me by defining who I am myself according to enjoyment with superimposed ideas and opinions instead of trusting myself here and expressing within practically scheduling, using the time effectively and within self-honesty.
A blog post from Creation's Journey to Life on TV, entertainment, fear, solution:
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