[JTL 95] Bernard Poolman

My moments with Bernard Poolman

Before visiting the farm, I had a dream, wherein meeting Bernard, seeing rooms wherein on the walls there are drawings, explanations, like structures, designs, informations from dimensions, like 'the desteni plan' and I had him already laughing with his ass off in my dream dimensions and I was not sure how real that was however when we I arrived at the farm, he welcomed me, hugged me, then we had a walk.

He seemed as a very calm, kind elder man, normal, extremely normal except looking like a real demon hunter as I could imagine one in movies who is just finished his job today and likes to greet people at his demon-hunting ranch. Lol just kidding. So. We walk. Guest house, studio house, shed, stables, main house. Similar as where I've grown up. Plus a pool(mostly for dogs).

I've seen the rooms where they work, even a drawing board, writings on wall similar as in my dream so I was somehow comfortable. We talked as walking around the farm and at a point we laughed quite some on how we in existence have fucked up ourselves to what degree and within that big laugh together it was obvious that this guy is me, no separation, no limitation.

Not very much we communicated while I was at the farm but when we did(that shows my relationship with my Self in that time), mostly he talked to me and every single word had real sense what I am still 'walking' into practical application in terms of support, realizations, insights.

"BREATHING IS NOT ENOUGH, MR. BERTA! I WANT TO HEAR YOU SHOUT, ACT!"

He was very kind with me all the time, once came to me and gave me figs and local fruits and other cool stuff to eat and I've noticed how much he enjoys to actually make me feel great by eating these things I always loved.

I could write these stories how I had time with him but I do not see that much relevant here - I had some issues with him in terms of not much I've talked with him, did not ask much, I was always pretty sure that I should not accept anything less from myself than who he express himself to be and in a way that formed a block in me to directly contact and ask him as I perceived these things as irrelevant in terms of 'just walk as he did and be as real as him'.

In the beginning around 2007 at the forum, I remember after 3 weeks doing Self-forgiveness and started to do 4 count breaths, I wrote to him that "well, this process does not quite immediate, this will take longer than I anticipated, this mind is still here" and he lolled at me.

When I asked irrelevant questions; from Bernard, from Jack, from Sunette, I just got that 'you will find out study and apply the material' and eventually did - so I realized all I should do, walk, be here now, I should stand up myself.

This has been my strongest gift and greatest curse as well - doing myself things and even when required, not asking for assistance, the lone wolf syndrome - and justifying with 'but if I do it by myself, that would be the only real, really me, even stronger than with others, so then in any existence in any life I could reproduce it if needed, so then that would mean I am standing as any and all existence' - and now I understand, it is not me who I walk, but who I walk out from as existence as Bernard is as well: is existence, as Portal is existence, as Desteni is existence, is Self-honesty, is Equality as the Living Words is existence as each human can be capable of if applying the tools, dedication, motivation and common sense constantly.

I've met with shamans, priests, lamas, gurus, rimpoches, masters, successful businessmen, magic men jugglers, martial arts pros, outstanding scientists but that confidence, the softness, the firmness, that stability and presence of Bernard was like comparing a mosquito's shit with mountain Fuji. He was completely off energy, but direct physical sound expression with what one could perceive him as magician, enlighted, god-like presence but with tender from which if was required - direct thunder came but only with the specific force what was required for the supported one to let go energy and realize and understand the Self-dishonesty.
I heard him shouting and it was not anger, it was sound so intense I had to remind myself it is not towards me however with and for what I reacted to it: was me as Self-dishonesty, so that was eventually for me as well. That was strange to realize, to remember, to stand.

I heard and saw him playing with dogs, it was not love, it was sound - more direct than we perceive the words with what we accept ourselves to describe these kind of things.

And the relevant things he did I only read but made sense - the articles, Process, the removal of White Light, the Forgiveness of Demon dimensions and Mykey's story of him, It is beyond that any human mind can comprehend.

In the first group chats I was really shocked how effective he was able to handle these things and were able to support dozens of people within their self-realizations even through some words, sentences.

I am quite aware how this whole story sounds especially for those who are not familiar with Desteni or with me, but I write this for long term regardless of time, right here and I am sure in one thing: anyone who separates Desteni group, Bernard, him, his work, his expression, his beingness from and as Self: Self-forgiveness is required as he was not a person but a Principle, Life itself, Universe in and as the human physical body what we all are capable of, therefore I do not accept anything less than who I really am as Bernard suggested to walk as principled equals every day.

When I heard the fact that he is dead, I had quite some of shame for what I have not yet transcended within me and how 'faster' my process could be if I could push myself at points when I allowed myself to give into the temptation of entertainment, self-interest, fear - but this shame is not for remain shameful but to remind me what I must transcend right here in this very moment, each moment.

I also had reaction like I will not meet with him again as he told me he could show stuff later but that made more stronger the support what he unconditionally gave already and that I commit myself to give to others as well unconditionally.

Because when the moment comes: I want to die well, no shame for anything I am or this existence is as myself.

And that is why I stand for Heaven on Earth, World Equality, Equal Money System, Equal Life, Living Income, because that is the only way for me to manifest these to be who I really am and who Bernard stands as Principle here and hereafter.

Because if we see the current system, as it is today, as 'norms' are built - I do not give a damn to norms, even if 'heaven' sounds as religions, even if 'forgiveness' sounds like Jesuit, even if equality sounds communistic - I am absolutely clear that how these things really are as very possible way outs from this systematic hell we are within and Heaven is when every living form is practically respected Equally and on Earth is the real deal, all others are just imaginations, mindfuck, not real, so I challenge anyone who has some smart ass, any love or enlighted feelings or claimed realizations to then support what Desteni stands for.

Do not see Desteni as individuals but see the words, the principles, the action it stands for - and investigate - and investigate with common sense and investigate within self-honesty and realize: any reaction within: is not Desteni, it is you, so Desteni is supporting you already to show what you are responsible for without even be aware, directive.

Thank you very much!

[JTL 33] Excuses and justifications in every moment

Last time I've wrote about how I've allowed myself to program myself to fear from failure within self-definition of difficulty and limiting myself at scenarios when I automatically react with thoughts/feelings/emotions with no self-trust, no self-integrity.

I will continue in the next moment writing the necessary steps to stop the insanity within myself by directing myself and my mind as thoughts+feelings+emotions to eventually unify and stop myself right here in and as every moment of every breath, but this moment I express my point of view of the 'character of the human being' to directly see how I am and within what relationship I stand with this within and without in and as the reality as the Physical.

These Self-forgiveness statements assist and support me to become aware of what I've been doing within myself and the solution is simply remain here and stop and commit myself to not go into the same reactions by scripting myself 'up' so to speak for simply re-program myself to become aware that I can choose to not participate and explore what is beyond self-definitions within fear.
Self-corrective and Self-commitment statements assist and support me to prepare myself in the moment within the physical participation in the Self-dishonesty - to remember that I've been doing this a while and within Self-honesty and exploring writing in Self-intimacy through applying Self-forgiveness I can in fact stop and change.

However the real, physical application of Self-forgiveness is required when I am within the choice of participating within the self-accepted program again - or to stop - but for to be able to stop - as Gurdjieff wrote "to stop the machine, it is required to know the machine' - and when the machine knows itself, it is no longer a machine, it starts to become responsible for it's actions".
So every human who is giving the excuse for not changing, not stopping within, as the inner energetic mind machine based on river-like thought-streams, constantly occupied within having good feelings and disturbing emotions - and without as the currently accepted human system, as the capitalistic, cannibalistic abusing profit-and surviving-oriented self-interest-based money system - is simply stating that:
-we are machines and we can not change,
-it is not meant to be changed,
-it's human nature, it's who we are,
-it's god's mysterious plan,
-there always will be OTHER assholes and selfish bastards
-money is the root for all evil
-you, Tala, do you think you can change the system what is here since thousands of years? Give me a fucking break!
-we all are originated from infinite self-aware consciousness energy, the physical is just an anomaly what is irrelevant
-we just have to meditate every day and not even need to know how our mind works, but the eastern techniques work, really, but within meditation all will be solved, maybe not in this lifetime
-"I can feel the grace and love, if you do not feel it, you are just negative"
-there is good and there is evil and that's the truth, no more questions, that's "my personal" experience, you must understand that!

and all that kind of different types of justifications I can hear every fucking day(even from the 'closest' ones), however when someone is, as an individual directly facing immense shit, suffering, abuse for instance(and I am being creative here however I know some who have this currently being 'exercised'):

-working like a slave since long-long years from 6AM for directly the surviving without EVER thinking outside the box and accepting it yet slowly but surely feeling like being broken day by day
-the bank wants to get back the credit what one's got for you and for your family for instance and mortgaging any of your belongings what is not human flesh, but might that will happen as well
-one's dear loved ones explode with a hi-tech or home-made-budget bomb in the name of imaginary immortals or for some insane uncommon sensical conviction
-having multiple cancer all around one's body from all-hiding corporate aggressive brainwashing food-poisoning copyrighted+government-protected 'market-strategy'
-not really being able to think outside of the box of surviving and trying to pull together the necessary coins for one's kids and stopping the resonant tremor when thinking about how to give to one's child what will be required for a healthy life what would mean at least millions of money and blaming the system, the rich fuckers and even oneself for the decisions one has been made in the past what had consequences already one cannot change or even comprehend
-facing all-stinky begging home-less broken-down human-wreckages all around in the city every day
-meeting some extremists like 'sports fans' mobster within their aggressive-all-destroying alcohol-frenzy
-dodging extremists like nationalists/nazis/demagogs/re-divisionists moving and clothing like clowns/clones in singing half-drunk bunches for marches
-one's boss or the boss of your boss or the boss of your boss's boss is proving to be incompetent however you get the consequences every day yet the money is not that bad compared to others in general
-basically noone wants to acknowledge that we are doomed in all ways possible(just to mention water and food situation) if we do not change the core of our systems

and then there are the ones are already bit more ready to change, to actually do something or at least try for their own self-interest within their own self-developed fear from experiencing the only real thing in this existence what we all sharing equally, what is physical consequence.

It is fascinating to see that apparently there are people who directly pulsate, resonate that they are within the awakening and self-realization and all kind of occupations what they've defined for themselves as 'good' and 'useful' and 'beneficial' - all type of activities or passivities what within they find themselves doing so meanwhile being in the state of doing exactly the best possible thing for themselves and for the world however when someone is asking some direct questions about the abuse and the massive horrific events taking place every fucking day on this planet: everyone is proven to be absolutely powerless and reality-denial within some sort of hypnotic hope that their 'own' life might end up different than the other poor fuckers happened to be experiencing this one beautiful life as something what really-really sucks.

And I must put into this that I am not really different, as I've emerged, as I am experssing today is the same - however what I've been doing within this blog as investigation and self-assessment and writing out all the shit I see within to at least to acknowledge that I am far from the 'optimum' how I can explore what L.I.F.E would mean within and as each given moment and obviously can be noticed right here within this blog that I do not accept all the bullshit about any justification and excuse of why we humans can not really change ourselves who apparently 'happened to became' and the currently 'running' (amok) human consciousness global profit- and fear-oriented all-agreed self-interest-based money- and value system.

And I am not standing alone within directly changing myself from within - hundreds, thousands are busy investigating and W.R.I.T.I.N.G as much as they can to -at the first time- become really aware what we've been doing as individual and as a group as referred as 'human beings' to our- and all other selves without being able to stop even for a moment from the program running within who and what we've accepted ourselves to be and become and actively remain within an interest what is not visible, what is not transparent, yet for us, who write the Journey to Life: is obvious, because we dare to see and we dare to do the steps even if it would take really long time - it is not even a must - I am experiencing this lack of separation from writing day by day more and more stabilized: I am writing and I am preparing myself to change in reality when the moment comes and then I do change without any con-dition to walk out from this per-dition what we've became.

And one can say that life is good, beautiful and shining and colorful and fucking awesome and immensely cool, but how comes that we are not even ready to acknowledge that we all eat, drink, shit and sleep the same way and without that we are screwed beyond any measure, and if we do not want to give that to all, everybody without any con, then we each individual are pledged for all other's direct hell-experience without even wanting to acknowledge.

I've been defined(mostly by myself) as many things since I walk on this mudball floating around, but in fact I am a talking and eating and shitting flesh walking around and apparently doing things without any direction for decades but if I can choose what direction I want to walk - it is not a question that I want to get food, water, shelter, health care and REAL education about what the heck is going on.
And to want this for myself, to have a great life for myself, and the ones who I share my presence with - should also get this otherwise they would not be really a pleasant and cool and awesome and fascinating experience for me, not even for themselves, because without eating for weeks, or drinking anything for some days - all what we define as human is gone, diminished and here is the real zombie apocalypse.

Personally I've seen it in Both-Gaya, Bihar, India - where we went to seek the 'enlightenment cave' of a dried fucker who we believed that achieved something awesome by sitting in that cave for long time) we were covered by beggars  for biscuits(tourists apparently like to pet them with that and the jeep drivers were happy to sell us some) they were really just coming and held out their hands and repeating the same 'biscuit', 'biscuit' 'biscuit' and looking into their eyes I've seen myself directly within reality once and for all yet I had to stand up and help a girl around who was giving biscuits to them so then they rushed her so much that I had to pull these weak ones from her because they were literally like zombies in movies except not biting but literally wanting to bite some biscuit.

And the most horrific was to realize that none of us who did that visit apparently felt the same as me or made the decision to at least try to seek out or want to move out from this kind of 'position of perception' - even some 'mates' like to visit from time to time for the 'mysterious enlightenment cave' - and being able to completely ignore the suffering by perfected justifications and excuses for how they are screwed because of their karma regardless of being old ones, young ones, or even really young ones - and I can at least respect that how much a human can program itself to be completely ignorant for it's own kind.
And all those western money-bags visit India for enlightenment while locals serve them like kings for the all mighty $ - at least for the illiterate starving beggars they are only that.

And I could write dozens of similar experiences, not just like - I was there and broke my little heart and feeling guilty for having hi-tech audio equipment what costs more than the house I've been raised in - in fact I have a courage to feel the shame for what we all became and I feel responsibility(yet I must walk my individual process of Self-honesty and Self-forgiveness for myself what I've manifested as fears, desires etc) - and I am sure I want to change the system from within with Basic Income and Equal Money what more and more will start to consider as the current system collapses while still there are many who think that by meditating anything will be better but intensify to the utmost degree.


So Enlightenment? Now you give me a fucking break :)

Meditate on physical reality how practically can be solved by it's core what is obviously the money system.
Meditate on physical reality how you would feel physically and act when you would end up the same way as are being abused by the money system, judged and determined by their lack of money to live beyond the edge of the happiness machine.
Meditate on what you would do if you would lose everybody and everything and there would be nothing to generate good feelings and experiences from?

That is compassion, not just thin-king and feeling energetic love and shining and imagining sending it to each heart - or some consciousness shiva-buddha-liquid imagining or consciousness mantra-symbol ball shooting into pure-lands bullshit!!! That's absolutely irrelevant for the abuse and suffering on Earth - come on! What would you choose if you would have the same situation as those are being disregarded by the money system? Imagined energy ball meditated by hundreds together holding hands - or some bread and butter and water and shelter for -20 celsius degrees?

Common sense - common sense is free and is here!

We use words, we react to words, we make business by agreeing on words, we feel happy or sad by words, we allow ourselves being programmed by words, we program our children by words, we hide behind words, we fear from specific words, we judge words, we react to words, we are driven by words, we are being directed by words,  then we simply say words are just words when asking to investigate our relationship and starting point to specific words what we repeat like hypnotized such as 'love' and 'happy' and 'innocent' - if you buy or sell ANYTHING - there is no such thing as innocence.
We must sort out our already existing relationship within and without based on words!

Prepare yourself to be able to be a constant and consistent inner emptiness self-directive principle by direct decision within the Physical to stand up and become equal as one with the current system and change it as self within common sense based on the interest of what is best for all. Simple.

So then I come to the definition of what is human, what means to be human and for me is simply that I want the same things for others what I want for myself - and myself, being at least absolultely fucking self-honest without any doubt that I do require food, shelter, water and health care:

I want the same for other humans as well - and wanting that and actually doing something for happening so - is a totally different scenario.

Within writing and applying the Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty, Self-direction and Self-changing - I've came to the realization that it is absolutely irrelevant what we, as individuals hope, want or even feel or perceive if it is not physically manifested within the reality what we are sharing equally - and to investigate all things within reality to explore what must be stopped, released might does not mean in the first moments about how exactly, practically we would do that - but once it is clear, that we must stop as humans, as within as this self-perception-wanting to just -feel-good programmable organic robots.

And within Desteni - a research and practical 'projects' and 'experiments' are going on since quite some time - and there are solutions what already proven beyond any measure, what currently a thinking/feeling/emotionally charged human mind can comprehend - but the tools for stop the mind for a moment - (and for another moment - and for this moment, and for this moment too) - to clearly see that Equal Money System is really the thing what is Best for All.
It is simply the equal distribution for the basic needs for everybody - without fearing MY interest that then the others would dominate us within THEIR self-interest - education is the solution for that - it is very possible that there are some who are all-ready will not change, but eventually will die - maybe in 5-10-20-50 years and in fact what we educate and plant as seeds as Life will grow - as we can plant Tress what will be huge and supporting in decades - that we can do with proper education for the children who are obviously ourselves, what most only can feel with their own children but you must understand that there are people who can 'feel' that with all children on earth without any exclusion. And the harm and abuse for many-many children on earth is proven to be manifested in reality every day until we do not change ourselves and the money system.
Religions, spiritual, any self-convicted all-gather-together *-ism groups of interests have no power over reality, they only can think of themselves, regardless of what they are deluding their minions with - that's obvious. That's why they do all their 'specific' 'shit' behind closed doors and in secret and in fact for the same as all others: money and survive and feeling go(o)d.

Investigate, do your research, it would be a shame if you would judge Desteni-EqualMoney-Equal-Life people before even trying for yourself, but for trying it we must conclude as effective group of individuals made the decision to stop this madness and really make our and our children's future possible in the best way possible.

And before finding Desteni I was already sure that it must be done, but I was not aware of the most practical tools and I've been trying many extreme ways in my life to be able to at least to stabilize myself for a moment to - at least! - to see what I am facing as myself and the human system - but I could not. I could stop the thoughts but only by sitting in a dark room for weeks - for what? I had no gain any practical power over myself or over the monetary situations - because I did not consider common sense - and common sense is acting and not sitting that's sure. Or one can say that for rehabilitation for a moment it can be accepted for see how insane our mind works like - but to not write down, to not forgive, to not let go, to not correct the same loops happening again and again and again is simply nonsense...

And to acknowledge that was not a simple, one-blinking process, that I was clue-less, power-less individual, who had even the best intentions within to make myself and the world better, but I was literally walking in oblivion because I've not given myself the most basic, simplistic tools: for give myself what I've been lost and was always looking for and in fact all every body is looking for within all different type of scenarios : the Breath of Life all ways HERE.

Use the tools and Stop the jungle of thoughts and feelings and convictions, come and look out from your head, HERE is a LIFE emerging within and as the Physical. Not beautiful, not really loving - yet but at least it is real and we can transform it to be what is best for all of us practically!

[JTL 24] Intensified Entertainment as Enlightenment: evolutional mind interest part 1

How can you prove that you are not pre-programmed if you can not change yourself by self-honest decision?

I am continuing on my previous post by decomposing my relationship with the word: entertainment

• [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible
• Can Human nature change?
• Resistance to change
• Entertainment points
• Day 345: The Internet is the Global Mind (Part Four)

My family I've defined as always on surviving versus entertainment.
Entertainment seemed to be like what one wants to do and enjoys it.
Entertaining meaning taking a break from hard work, from serious fight within the system to get what we want.
Entertainment seemed to be something what is worth fighting for.
Entertainment was so valuable that most of the family members when they wanted to do their entertainment, they did not like when someone asked to do something what seemed like work and not entertainment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as resting and rewarding from surviving.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as taking break from hard work from serious fight within the system what I want and then when I already have what I've got, then the result is entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as something what is worth fighting for.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how I've seen within family that when being occupied with entertainment, it is not pleasant 'feeling' when being asked to stop it for doing something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define not liking and frustrating when I have decided to go on entertainment and then being asked for do something for someone or because of something what is more obvious that is more important I have to stop my entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I am occupied with what I've defined as good and disregard everything and everyone else what is not entailing within the current entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a LOT of things as entertainment and then when those happen, then defining it as good and when it could just almost happen and then I almost expect it and then it does not happen then that defining as bad because I was expecting energetic experiences of within entertainment what I do not experience so then I experience disappointment what I've defined as bad.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within any self-definition I am limited to that information who I perceive myself to be and within that definition within the duality system I am part of a closed system within what there are rules what I can not change only with another duality-based system except when letting all go and not define and do not react to definitions but breath directly here within physical expression.
• I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within entertainment I've defined myself a center point within doing so and in that moment I am re-living, re-defining, re-charging within and as myself as energy according to my definitions, relationships, connections, associations, memories, reactions  about that specific word.

For instance the words are:
-computer; games
-movies
-taking an adventure(travel/hiking/walkabout)
-going out to party for pubs/caffeteria/dance hall/gather around fire/flat party/cooking party/haircut party/alcohol party/drug taking party
-art painting/workshop/visiting gallery/cinema/theatre/shows
-sport for instance football, running, ping-pong/martial arts/yoga/meditation(sitting doing empty vase effect)
-technician workshop for instance airplane modelling/morse workshop/construction workshop/computer workshop/programming workshop/photo workshop/filming workshop

Alright so then one can get what I MEAN entertainment.

However the twist came around when I've started to define myself according to these activities, for instance for a while with these I've participated within - and most of them I've written specifically as the center of the activity, for instance with alcohol I've did many of these - but then the center was not drinking alcohol, but it was just an effect on the specific self-defined entertainment activity for instance party or vandalism or dancing etc.
But there were times when the main goal was to absorb as much alcohol as we could (@ university; hell yeah) - and then we did not do anything else in particular, we just went to the shop, I took 2-3 bottle of wines, I drunk it and then after a while I went to sleep so then from here looking back the 'backbone' of the activity was 'drinking alcohol'. So.

Entertainment was twisted within and as me because as I've started to define myself according to doing these activities and while doing so, defining myself as 'this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I experience' - and then by that I've became it - the words I've got, the deeds I've did, clear.

But not really I've defined these as entertainment - more likely - 'this is who I am and in this moment this is what I do because this I've defined as I wanted to do so or I just did and then I've reacted to with consciously feeling as 'positive'.

So then entertainment was linked with positive feelings, moods, reactions mostly because apparently it was by a decision made by me when I had the chance to apparently decide and then I've moved towards these so within that movement I judged myself that 'okay, so then that is me, because that I chose, that I like, that is me then' - Or if not so, then the positive/negative ratio was still positive and by that I've defined as 'my precious'.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define entertainment as specific words and then doing regarding those specific words - it was automatically linked with entertainment - because within 'fighting the system' and 'surviving for money and things what are required' I could not do such things while I could link my activities towards those words what I've defined as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define spending time with computer, computer games, movies, adventure, hiking, traveling, walkabout, party, caffeteria, pub, dance hall, fireplace, flat party, cooking, haircut with friends, drinking, alcohol, drug, art, workshop, gallery, cinema, theatre, shows, sport, running, ping-pong, martial arts, yoga, meditation, technical skills, morse, modelling, construction, computer tech, programming, photoing, filming as entertainment and when defining or associating or thinking or hearing these words I react with the relationship within and as myself towards and as entertainment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to entertainment and becoming frustrated when I have no opportunity to do entertainment within and as self-definition regardless of physical reality.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I perceive myself doing and then defining myself so and then referring myself by those definitions and then associating towards the memory of such activity only with those specific definitions as words and not realizing that within self-definition I am self-limitation, self-automatization, self-suppression, self-dishonesty.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive and become addicted towards always wanting to boxing my activities towards labels, definitions within, specifically limiting my expression towards such specific words for instance watching movie is entertainment - regardless of what kind of movie or what is the reason or what is my physical experience.

And this might seem like I am crazy and I fear from entertainment and there is no such thing, but when I am losing life-awareness as all as equal as one as here within entertainment because of automatic association and reactions and energetic bounding within - for instance wanting to play computer game every week for hours or wanting to have sex with my partner every day just because that seems good for me meanwhile not really considering that if I define myself according to that - I become these words physically and then when not doing so then I might experience lack and devotion towards as formed a habit and not direct absolute presence awareness what simply accumulates within the simple math of 1+1=2 and then that compounds and then that energy might take over and THEN I am unable to consider what is best for all - even what is really best for me as well - so that's why I simply equalizing my relationship - purifying my inner sanctum - with the word entertainment - to not be obsessed yet not judge it as bad or good and not even fear from fully experiencing it without the concern that I might lose 'perspective within' - so that's why I write all out within and put everything in front of me and then seeing the words what I contain and then I see my mind and then what is not absolutely self-honest, for instance even doing hugging and flirting with a woman who is not my partner meanwhile I have an agreement in the moment 'in reality' that we do sexual flirt only with each other simply because we agreed on that and we live the words what we speak -- and in the moment the entertainment dimension within and as me simply intensifies and within the excitement I go into that expression with an other and then I face the fact that I am not doing what I speak and that is already a self-compromise, self-disempowerment, because next time I say something, I might fact the possibility, that then that words I will not again express because the more I say different than I doing - the more I realize it is no matter what I say, what I state, what I agree on with words, and then I am untrustworthy, not only for my partner, but for myself and then that might cause conflict within as well. Sentenced to dare to share ;)

I have done accepting and allowing such impulses to do hug and flirt with women because I wanted so meanwhile I've judged that is not good for my partner and for myself as well - yet I've accepted those and did not stop - or at times came back - and I am sure I can change and I can stop such reactions within without fearing I am becoming empty and dark because the more I stop within the more I directly experience that is obvious within and without as well. So Self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements and self-commitments are assisting and supporting me to be aware in the moment to make a difference, so I enjoy expressing myself doing so.

So for me for instance flirting with women who I do not want to be partner with - even when it is clear that we just flirt - if I agreed with my partner that we do not do such things - then I shall not, regardless of any excitement.

So that's why I walk through the word entertainment because for me enter taint-I meant to be within occupations what are not always - or even never - is what is best for all if that pre-programs conflict within myself and my partner into the future, so it is unnecessary.

So That explanation was some sort of clear for me but writing it out - it is here and anyone can read it and I have stabilized myself within writing it out and that not means eternity but for a moment as a structured, stable, consistent self-support to be able to always consider all participants within my reality within the interest of what is best for each. And that is very possible, even if it takes years, I'd rather do it than judging it before try.

Because within writing I pour out the bucket of words what I react to and what I consist of as description of my reality within duality from self-definition to undefined direct self-expression.

And duality I mean for instance there is me and there is a subject and there is the act of subjecting by words for instance seeing crying somebody and then I react with the word sadness - however I am sure not all crying is sad.
Because this mind of defining and defining and defining ad-dick-tion is really the act of self-separation within perception and then by that the automatic physical manifestation is really limiting.

All the explanations are in the words for why I write self-forgiveness - because this is the most practical way for oneself to face what has been accepting and allowing since the beginning and this tool is the constant self-reflection that I want to change and then am I really changing or only saying so or by forces outside of me towards self-interest or avoid conflict only for instance or dare to consider the best outcome and change currently, already manifested self according to that.

So continuing on decomposing entertainment:

Throughout the years I've refined entertainment more and more, and evolved within the sake of intensity and specificity.
The most intense experiences for a long while were about facing women, simply looking into eyes of women - that always seemed very exciting and in fact petrifying(of the fears what are irrelevant here but facing enormous fears always seemed intense for a reason - that's another topic;) but there I had no self-direction so for a while I avoided that until alcohol came around me at the university.
And then I was able to interact with women and I was able to experience the word party and in the 'central european style': drink, fight, curse...

Then the literally blood-fighting alcoholic raves for wild music with lot's of delirium the inner animal as rage against the machine of self came to surface and for a while I was specifically working on getting drunk that much that I could to have an experience the 'film-break' within my mind - when I had the continuous memory of the night and then from one moment for a while I did not remember.
Then I've deliberately reached the mind-state of that I did not know what happened, I did not remember what I did, what I didn't, nothing. So then with alcohol that was interesting entertainment - not remembering myself - that seemed somehow relaxing - for a while I did not experience myself literally. This could be also an other topic as within White-Light experiences with acid I've had similar but from another starting point.
But with alcohol it was always obvious that is self-destruction as multiple family members has been proven that to me quite literally, especially my father who went nuts and died utterly in a drunk accident.
Also I was quite neurotic and consumed that much alcohol that I had stomach problem and for a while I've experienced hell in terms of my physical body was so screwed up than doctors told me that I have to take stomach-acid-calming pills until the end of my life what pissed me up so much so then I wanted to change, really change. In that time within my relationship still I was not directive, supportive, caring, but reactive, I could not really be myself and my partner was really unstable as well and then we just did split.
And THAT was my greatest world-burning, everything-changing, everlasting enormous really intense one billion celsius degree hot 'love' - what was just gone and that was quite a disappointment - because for years I've put everything on that - not into real practical physical love within equality, but within my mind - that was really something what I wanted and then I've got it and then I've (we) screwed it up and we had to let go each other.
So after that I've been sucked into the self-vacuum of psychedelic/spiritual scene wherein I've fulfilled my mind-domain-exploration and the physical(also sex) was disregarded for a while. There was a guy around who told us that 'you are druggers, for druggers there is no need for woman' - because then I was constantly stoned and tripping...

With LSD and MDMA and SALVIA within various and specifically planned or randomly shocking mind-blowing experiences I've had a grasp of a definition of intensity in terms of the possible frequency domain of experiencing the extremes of the mind.
So then that changed my definition of entertainment and intensity for sure.

Somehow what can be seen as entertainment - each one can define it differently, for instance for me computer games is entertainment, for somebody else is work and job and money.
And also computer programming seemed to be quite an entertainment and then I've defined myself according to that and then this I do all day for get my coins for buy my dreams true literally and it is quite far from still being able to find this 'entertaining' by being a corporate cog within a system what do not cares about all life equally but mostly about the revenue.
So then I've redefined entertainment in a way that seemed legit by not really saying that what I do is 'entertainment' - but it was a 'journey for self, for a path for attainment for finding and fullfilling myself' - and for instance the delusion of 'enlightenment' was the most jolly-joker excuse for anything I've done - because anytime I've faced any doubt that what I actually do is just 'entertaniment' - then I've told to myself that 'this is also requires for the realization of who I am and who I am not' - regardless of going to night club or stealing stuff from a shop or smuggling refined Nepali pollen- I've successfully persuaded myself with the idea of that this is all part of my enlightenment and nothing to be judged, in the moment I or others would judge it, I was automatically ready with the reaction and excuse and justification answer of that 'this is my path'.
And then entertainment was literally tainted with self-interest without even the need for realizing it, even within the apparently most unsignificant details, for practical instance:
-playing assassins creed 1 game was about 'realizing conspiracies' and unrevaling mystical knowledges and connecting crumbs of informations within this system about the real reality - when in fact it was just a roof-jumping simplistic sword-game
-taking acid weekly for my self-realization because within the experience I had moments within vivid, calm, apparently clear inner experiences, regardless of the fact that for days I did not do anything except walking around in a time-remapped mirror-frenzy while being unable to take the smallest responsibilities by saying -'sorry I am tripping now, I am unable to consider the physical, but this is The most important thing one can do'.

some word play:

enlightenment /entertainment/ain't 'n ment /enter train I ment to be pre-programmed

In light I ment = enter train I 'ment to be as psy cyclogical con sequenceof self-in-dearest

So then I've simply persuaded myself with the things I was occupied with were in fact the part of my journey to enlightenment, self-realization and those are really specific and special so then I was able to enjoy those without too much doubt and no reason or conscious justification was required simply I was taking what I seemed to be needed and that is fascinating and the feeling of the energy of enlightenment was some sort of authority for just do whatever I wanted because I was 99.99% persuaded within myself that this is the best scenario and this is what is best for me and therefore helps me to reach the enlightenment and then that must be best for all as well.
And that was done with the catalysts of spiritual methods and drugs - intensified energetic self-made-up hyperspace of entertainment - but when faced real transcendence points for real, physical, direct change for stopping something what was obviously self-dishonesty: all proven to be fucking useless from time to time by facing real physical irreversible shitty consequences of self-deluded participation until the veil was dropped for real.
So the refugee within anything but self here within absolute self-honesty as all as equal as physical life is always a fuckup and manifesting irreversible consequences within and as the only stable and constant and consistent dimension what we all equally share: the physical.

And that is responsibility.

So I am almost ready to start re-defining entertainment within responsibility for all what is here equally. But first self-forgiveness on those perceptions is required to let go the self-compressed symbolism of self-interest and letting go the hypnotic trance of fear what is hidden behind all the pre-programmed personalities behind entertainment/enlightenment and survival/fighting.

Journey to Life is literally a Journey to Life - word by word, breath by breath. Changing perspective from self-interest to All Life-interest. Can you?
 Participate and enjoy to explore a starting point what is beyond any con.