[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.

[JTL Day 190] Practical movement when losing ground

I am specifying on the previous post: when experiencing losing ground.

• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2014/06/jtl-day-189-experience-of-losing-ground.html

When and as I experience losing ground - I see/realize/understand that it is because I've went into my mind and reacted and the experience of things becoming too fast is indicating I am reacting faster than being really aware of it thus I slow down, I focus to what I actually do and I prioritize.

When and as I am within movement in a new environment, with new people, with new challenges using new skills I focus to practical application, I take the time literally to know myself within the new situation instead of fearing, worrying, reacting or pre-defining it or myself, the experience and within that awareness of I am here - I express myself breath by breath with giving myself the chance to explore the new what is here, around me, within me with self-trust, self-direction, self-consistency.

When and as I face something what I've previously defined as difficult, challenging, complicated or painful - I prepare myself and I let all go within my mind and I realize that when reacting with fear, judgement, I am separated from what I am going to face thus I stop, I allow myself to stop the separation, I allow myself to be vulnerable, open, present and clear within.

When and as I worry of people would judge me if I explore and practically manifest a principled living wherein practically being scheduled, being directive and disciplined - I realize that I judge myself, if others would react, I would have the answer that I am specifying effectiveness, practicality and accumulation and thus I do not need to fear and within that I let the worry go and I stand within clarity and if somebody would ask or react - I state it clearly, calmly, directly what I do and why.

When and as I am among other people, I realize it is me who I can decide how I act with them and I decide to be the same disciplined, clear, calm, expressive alone, with few and with many as equal as one and whatever comes up I stop, I let go, I forgive, I change myself until this is clear, unwavering, stable.

When and as I see myself participating within discussion with others what would not support me, what I would see as irrelevant, not really deciding the time to spend on it - I decide - shall I intervene, express myself to change the topic or shall I leave and based on that I can stay or go - speak or remain silent within self-direction, presence without thinking, without worry, without compounding uncomfortability for spending time on something what is not priority while there are things what I could do.

When and as I would question the discussion I participate within with other/others and considering time constraint and priority - I see into me and check is it of fear or is it practical common sense, am I self-honest or I give into the reaction and want to stop that reaction indirectly instead of stopping the fear - and if I see reaction/fear within me - first I stop that and then decide.

When and as I would worry on people would see me as control freak or robot while specifying my time spending on having fun and enjoying time or entertainment I check 'Do I have fear?' in one moment and if so then I stop myself, re-align myself to be here, in and as the body, present, consider what is priority and apply common sense and also consider that having fun or enjoying being with others in fact is not a bad thing - not even good if it is self-expression, seeing within self-honesty that is it cool to have this moment for enjoyment or there is something what rather I should do as priority.

When and as I would go into having fun, feeling good, entertainment, friendship all the time - I check what is the reason I need that all the time and what is beyond, behind this experience as the strive for 'feel good, and having fun' occupation and check that do I escape from something, do I suppress an other experience and if so then I face it as it is in fact me and I forgive, stop and change.

When and as I am with my partner and facing some point what makes me react or makes her react I do not judge this as 'not worthy' and thus accumulating into an experience of 'wasting time' but I actually see how it could be solved and remain within agreement to not face this conflict and what is the compromise I would have to take to stop that and is that self-honestly acceptable or not and if not then I directly communicate and if required leave.

When and as I feel myself overwhelmed and worried on not progressing with the things I want to do and this friction, energetic experience compounds and want to do these things but within that not knowing which one first and wanting to do all at the same time I stop doing it, slow down within my mind to the point of be able to face and deal with each point sequentially and make a priority list within practical physical time scheduling without overloading, overstressing myself and start doing it and I realize it is the accumulation and consistency what makes progression, not the relentless haste.

When and as I do something and in the meantime feeling or experiencing doubt about shall I do this or something else because of maybe the other thing would be more important or priority - I stop and consider what shall I do first or how practically schedule my time without go into self-doubt, thinking or worry, remaining within clarity, presence, direction, naturally, calmly and I decide and I act and trust myself.

When and as I do something and meanwhile thinking about something to do or having ideas of other things - I stop myself being distracted - if required -seeing it within practical common sense - I make a note and I progress with the point but I do not stop it and I discipline myself doing it with full of my beingness and not give into the energetic temptation of positive and negative energies of judging what I do or what I do not do - and if energies would arise by judgement - I stop it and I realign myself here, physical, directive immediately and not allowing thoughts, doubts to compound.

I commit myself to practically correct myself within action, within relationships with other humans and within scheduling, prioritizing, getting things done without distraction, without doubt, expressing myself unwaveing, undefined, consistent, calm, effective, breath by breath.

I commit myself to learn myself do everything breath by breath and teaching my beingness how to let go the energetic mind and live each breath with my presence, with my direction, with my self without conflict, without fear, without doubt.

[JTL 28] Self-forgiveness fear from consequences: crying

Stopping all mind-fear-desire-based relationships within and without what is not best for all - like this:

I've written some time ago some self-forgiveness about myself crying, but this one is the opposite

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally when hearing and seeing someone is crying and she/he says that it is because of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself when somebody is crying in front of me or in the phone and within that blame forgetting everything I am all aware of because of this intense experience of remorse and regret and blame towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from somebody is crying in front of me and making it obvious that it is because of me, what I did or what I did not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that in fact really I've caused the reason for why the person is crying in front of me and stating that it is because of me - and within the fear of I might be responsible - in fact I do lose awareness as inner silence+empty mind+breathing here within self-judgment and reactions towards words without even being aware of that I am losing presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that someone who is crying could stop crying and everything would become solved within a single moment just because I want so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from someone is crying in front of me who is an adult.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that when children cry, that is normal, therefore by the definition of 'when children cry is normal' I am not aware of any inner disturbing within and also the reason for why the child cries, regardless of why is crying for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become sad automatically when somebody is crying what I perceive as I can not help stopping.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compound energies within myself so much by reacting towards crying that from a moment I want to do anything to just stop the person crying and not realizing that within that starting point I am not for solution, but for stopping the experience within myself to stop what I've defined as not good and I can not direct within.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define good and bad according to the feelings I experience within myself without questions.
I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to realize that within not questioning the experiences within myself - I am automatically reacting to circumstances, situations, people, events and basically anything what my senses process throughout my mind, my brain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to solve, stop, remove the already manifested consequence such as somebody crying; only because of my inner reactions towards the intensity of experiencing consequence, such as crying and my reactions towards it as too much and as 'not good' - instead of realizing that this does not SOLVE the problem, only the currently sensible consequence I want to stop experiencing.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if I do not face the core of the manifested consequence, the reason how and why it happened - I do not stop it manifesting, only I put effort to stop experiencing it for a while for my interest.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within fearing from experiencing manifested consequences, such as somebody is crying to me and saying that I am causing this, and wanting to do anything what stops that - I am not solving the problem within the interest of all participants here equally, meaning the person who experiences suffering and crying and me who experience the crying through self-judgments and through reactions and self-definitions such as 'not good' and in fact I only consider myself when wanting to stop the cry just to stop facing the consequence, to want to stop being directly aware of my direct responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined myself automatically responsible and in fact feeling some sort of self-defined 'guilt' when somebody is crying 'to me' - and not realizing that at times it is might not be 'me, myself' only who is responsible but the person who is reacting to something, what is being exerted as crying - but within the self-judgment I do see only myself as responsible, fallen, guilty and not considering the other's responsibility as well and within that moment I forget everything, I forget what is my source, I forget what is my presence, I forget what is my direction, I forget myself completely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to form any relationship with anybody who wants me to take the relationship 'seriously', who wants me to be part of 'her' life because of the fear that I might do something what with I am causing the other experience some sort of pain and within that will go into a crying to me that I am responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to be seriously taken in any form of relationship because within self-judgment I've defined myself as irresponsible and untrustworthy and not somebody who can be trusted because of the experiences I've defined within regarding to somebody is crying to me that I am responsible for that suffering and cry yet I am not sure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want myself to - in fact desire myself not to be responsible for any crying around me, because I've defined myself within the experiences of 'being cried to' as I am a bad person because the person told me and then I've reacted to it with fear that it might be like that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a bad person because somebody is crying to me multiple times when I stick to the words what I speak because those words I've taken seriously and by that I've defined myself as somehow 'defined and protected' from being taken seriously within and without a relationship, only being taken seriously as the words 'should not be taken seriously'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not act exactly the words I speak equal as one with my actions and therefore somebody who would only look my actions what are not exactly the same what I speak - might misunderstand my words - and vice versa - when I am doing something what is not exactly the same as I say - and then if someone would take my words then would experience me differently within action than what I've said.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that participating within the inner reactions as accepting and following thoughts, feelings and emotions I forget the principle of 'what I speak is what I act as equal as one' because within action I react with what I've defined myself as within fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that within reacting to fear I might not need to to fear anymore because the reaction towards my self-defined, self-created self-experienced fear would stop.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within my 'virtual location' within my mind wherein my perceived 'presence' as a pointer within consciousness system, I can experience myself as one thing at a time within duality, within self-definition, and in that time only that - in front of the everything else what is undefined within polarity and within a chain-reaction of self-definition line - I am reacting to my pre-programmed personality by reflecting back to myself who I've defined myself to be and not realizing that it is a program, and within that program I completely disregard the wholeness of Life as my human physical body, as the silent and empty mind within action as all other beings within and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined the self-definition system within as precious what I've defined as it is always with me, even at times when everything seems very difficult and intense and not what I can define as 'good' - so then within the self-definition self-created inner chain-reaction - I am occupied, I am energetic, I am fast - and within fast inner reaction system I experience some sort of vibration and resonance and within that resonance I can be angry and raging and totally giving myself into that because apparently there is no consequence and I can let go everything of me without here within physical reality manifesting consequences - and not realizing that this is exactly the way I diminish myself from here as physical yet still manifesting the inner reactions as physical consequences - exactly manifesting what I've defined I am in a 'fearful relationship within'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and judge myself for what I do - instead of simply stop and change - and within the automatic self-defined reactions I do not even consider changing because within myself as mind, as thoughts, feelings, emotions I always change, I always evolve, I always combine and mutate and within that I define myself because in reality, within the physical all what I experience is nothing of me really changing, only with enormous effort of energy involvement and that only for so long as long giving the energy into what I 'create within my mind'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I stop giving energy into the system - the system stops - and if I maintain an experience of myself based on energy - then when the energy is over - then that experience of myself is also gone.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within pursuing good feelings and energy in fact I am gathering and accumulating energy to balance out the energies within what I've defined as 'negative' and 'bad' - and within self-definition of energetic addiction I am lost within this occupation and not realizing that direct physical change does not require any energy but simple and dedicated decision and then living to that in all moments until it is here and remaining absolutely aware of that point as myself as decision as the living word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be with someone who with I always manifest the same circumstances what I've defined as 'good for me' and not realizing how exactly manifesting the feelings of 'good' and 'bad' and within the cycles of pursuing one and avoiding the other - in fact I am inside reacting to specific self-defined reactions one after an other, many times but within self-definition, at a time always reacting to something with a specific one and that is automatic and within that reaction the energy I experience I accumulate and compound and with that energy I shift perception and continue inner reactions and within the constant inner reactions I am automatically reacting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the equal and one relationship for what I exactly participate within reality meanwhile experiencing certain specific inner reactions within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and project the responsibility of myself out for the one who is experiencing the consequences of my starting point and within blaming her(or him) - I am able to blame myself and within self-blame I react inside and within that losing direct presence within reaction in fact I lose the awareness of what I actually do with what starting point in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop blame in each moments I participate within by the hope that this time I will not be exposed and in the hope that it might be true if I do it with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I use blame towards others the same ways as I use blame towards myself for instance blaming someone for an experience I have about not doing what speaking and not realizing that the starting point of such act is that I blame myself for not speaking and acting equal and one the same always and sometimes taking my words granted yet my actions are not equal and one and that I define as 'shit' and then wanting to solve it but within reacting to thoughts and feelings and emotions - I am not aware of the fact that it is from blame to myself - and then meanwhile experiencing somebody else as well - then I blame the person because meanwhile I react to the person as well - and it's like there is always only 'one subject' of my mind - and I have the subject of 'myself' within self definition in a moment and when experiencing something about or with someone and then I am in the 'context' of self-blame - and then I react to something what somebody else says/does - while still within self-blame - and then I see that I am physically in the context of 'somebody else' - and the inner reactions are so automatic, so fast that then I do not see that under my conscious-ness - I've switched 'subject' of my self-definition - but the blame not - therefore blaming the other for what I experience, however I am directly responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for what I've accepted and allowed myself to participate within and then becoming angry at myself because since from the beginning I had a slight fear that this would manifest and then I reacted to that with fear that there is a chance and saying 'probability' and 'possibility' of 'experiencing anger towards myself' while in fact I had the fear of might manifesting such - but as I've previously defined myself as 'no fear' - I did not want to face the fact that I did lie to myself about in fact I fear but within not seeing it in the moment because of constant inner occupation within thoughts, feelings and emotions - I make myself believe that therefore I do not fear, and from that I define myself as somebody 'who does not fear' - and then comparing and trying to aligning that to reality what obviously at times will not work and then I will be anxious and frustrated.


--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not learn from events when this crying thing hits me and I am reacting to, learning meaning that realizing the self-dishonesty within and deciding to stop participate and then really stopping participating.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this crying is not going to happen simply because I really do not want to experience it.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that if I want to avoid emotional bursts, I should stick to writing daily and focus and discipline myself really stopping because as I see the emotional bursts of an other is showing me what I accept and allow within and without as equal and one therefore I am not effective within stopping this particular pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not stopping this particular pattern what is causing emotional bursts what causing the other in crying like a pattern and my self-judgment and anger and wanting to stop the crying and wanting to escape from it because I do not want to really change my pattern towards this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to leave the circumstances what cause this particular pattern to manifest because of self-definitions I've 'put' into as how much worthy this relationship means to me and not considering what is the result as being unstable, inconsistent, reactive and in fact self-judgmental within the starting point of fear from facing consequence, facing really the pattern of how exactly being responsible such manifestations not for myself only but for other participants as well.
I forgive myself that sometimes I am expecting people around me to be stable and consistent and trustworthy and not realizing that within these situations when I am within self-judgment regarding to crying, in fact I am not consistent, not stable and not trustworthy as I am busy reacting to the consequence what I want to stop such as the other is crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be absolutely self-honest with myself in all moments and even if so, then at times forgetting that I do not want to be with somebody who cries that easily or if really me, myself causing this directly then I do not want to be responsible for that because in the moment I directly see that I am not effective within stopping that, so I do want to 'return' to the least conflict to experience within my life and use the tools of daily writing to stabilize myself for a while without the need and desires for a sexual relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that what I've manifested it is mine and I can not escape and within that wanting to correct it, wanting to solve it, and wanting to re- and re-turn to this relationship again and again and again wanting to fix it, wanting to change it and not realizing that until I do not change myself within, the relationship will remain the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to change my attitude and starting point towards relationships, and this one particular meanwhile being within it as at times the reactions are still faster than my self-direction and then I am becoming more reactive than directive and then causing something what makes the other crying what makes me extremely difficult to remain stable within my application because I question myself and the relationship and the other again and again and again and within common sense I simply want to stop this madness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the other participant of this relationship wants me to remain within the relationship regardless of what I experience, regardless of what she experiences and when asking why then 'because I love you' makes me nuts and wanting to just run away as far as I can and then I go into the pattern of guilt and remorse and then not realizing that I do not slow down and in fact speed up within self-judgments and reactions and emotions and in that moment I do not use common sense what is simply stop the relationship, stop the cause for self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to thoughts for why I should rebound this relationship with the person who I do not see common sensically practical to walk with simply because of the fear from not being sure, fearing making one more mistake what would again cause the other crying and then I would have to face that again and fearing then that in that facing I might go into self-judgments that much so then I feel the guilt and the desire for trying it again and then I might try it again to be in the relationship what has proven since some years now that is not effective, not really supporting within physical stabilization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to going into a relationship where is no agreement, where is no guarantee that emotional storms will not happen, or if so then directed, walked according to a principle of what is best for all participants.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to go into a relationship what clearly did not work ever within the hope that the 'relationship' could be transformed into a supporting agreement.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the fear from relationship about what it would end up being as emotional shitstorms - I've taken granted the part of myself, an aspect of myself what is directing me to go into the same pattern again and again and again and not really taking responsibility for myself directly seeing how exactly I am responsible for such pattern and then simply realizing that I am separating myself from myself within the fear from going into a relationship what is not principled walk as equals - in fact I am manifesting the exact same thing instead of deciding to simply directing myself to remain within my decision to not rebound such a thing within a real, constant, stable, without energies decision what I can stand within and without unconditionally.

--
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within acting out based on self-judgment I have the tendency of going into the pattern of wanting to feel good what has been one of the primary occupation I always did: entertainment within I can calm myself and occupy myself to let go, to enjoy myself for a moment and within enjoyment 'breaking the spell' of self-judgment and then wanting to continue my process of letting go and not realizing that this pattern is not direct self here but of and as pattern what is not directly me but a some sort of compromise and by that in fact not walking as principle when it really matters, when I've walked into self-abdication and then forgetting the very thing what limits me, the self-judgment for not changing until the whole circle manifests again and then facing it again with the same starting point - instead of realizing that when I experience self-dishonesty, in the moment I re-align, in the moment I change, in the moment I stabilize myself without the need for 'letting the steam out', going into a self-defined enjoyment as entertainment for a moment to 'rest' what is also a polarity manifestation of and as the mind through feelings, thoughts, emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as seeking and doing entertainment when I forget myself as principle as life as what is best for all and for myself as equal as one and walk the mind as myself into inner silence through using the tools as writing in self-honesty, writing, saying and LIVING self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statements and in the moment of physical participation when it really MATTERs, really changing without fear from unknown, without fear from changing and fearing from consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing consequences of changing and fear from facing the unknown what is undefined and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to define everything because within the energetic reaction within self-definition I have an energy what I can apparently use for my mind to fuel 'good' feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to automatically deny and define as difficult to walk through when apparently facing energies what I've linked to, defined as, judged like negative within the fear of being tainted and transformed and changed by energies what are apparently 'negative'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being defined by others as bad and negative when I am facing energies what seem to be as 'negative' and 'dark' and simply questioning its origin and how I am participating within the responsibility of creating and separating such entities and energies what direct me and the reality around me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being a negative and bad person when questioning good feelings and what is the reason for such occupations within the principle of equality and oneness and the unification of man here within and as the physical.

I'll continue with Self-correction

&& What I enjoyed recently, and always, is this series at EQAFE:

[JTL 15] Stopping fear from childhood part 3

This post is the continuation of

• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-13-stopping-reacting-to-fear.html
• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/03/jtl-14-stopping-reacting-to-fear-from.html 

Self-corrective statements to prepare to change by scripting practical awareness

When and as I think that I do not have stability and I do not have constancy here - I realize - it is the consequence of disregarding myself as physical here - I breathe it trough and I remain here anyways without reason.
When and as I disregard my physical breathing as self-presence - I stop, I let go all occupation within and as my mind and I stop for a moment, I let go all what I fear from and concern about - I breathe naturally here and I realize I am breathing here as reality.
When and as I experience that I am following my thoughts and in fact participating within fear regarding to what I experience - I realize I've judged myself regarding to my current location based on my past - and I attempt to not face the consequence here, myself here, responsibility here, but it's all here - I stop, I breathe, I re-align myself with and as physical presence and I let go all thoughts, feeling, emotions.
When and as I think that breath must be equalized - I stop, I realize I can not control or manipulate myself in order to breath naturally - by positive and negative feedback from judgments - I decide I breath here, I walk, I act.

When and as I realize I participate within conflict within and as me - I stop - I realize I use starting point as energy what is of reason, what is of self-interest as self-doubt as wanting to fight to have the winner reason within me to conclude what I should do - I stop, I let go all polarities - all definitions, all fear - I breathe, I re-align myself here as physical as self-trust as common sense.
When and as I fear that I am not constant, stable, physical self-expression here as presence within life-aware breathing - I apply self-forgiveness, I re-align myself with and as myself as equal as one as the physical here.
When and as I fear from not being able to constant and consistent here within physical - I realize that because I believe within thoughts and within that belief actually I stop self-presence, so I stop, completely stop, I re-align myself here as physical as breath as self-direction within the principle of what is best for all.
When and as I want to think to have a conclusion about something what apparently I am not sure, I have doubt about it, I experience conflict within - I stop, I am here.
When and as I fear from knowing exactly what is going on - I stop, I let go all thoughts what tell me that I can not know and I do not know what is going on here - instead of realizing that I am here physically and breathing trough reacting to thoughts.

When and as I experience that I desire after 'higher' experience from what I judge my actual current experience - I stop, I realize that high needs low to exist and within bouncing between two polarity extremes is not life, so I do not participate within 'wanting to get high' in fact to avoid 'low'.
When and as I fear from what would happen if I would act immediately always instead of being physically petrified while processing trough thoughts to 'solve' and 'conclude' with the apparently 'best' solution trough self-judgments according to self-accepted past-definitions -- I stop, I realize I am starting point as Life as presence physically and expressing myself within the act of breath.
When and as judge myself as inferior regarding to something according to my physical senses or previously accepted self-judgments - I stop, I do not participate - it is a mind-game to equate apparent self-program to not really act outside the box.
When and as I judge myself or others or any physical object as inferior to me - I stop, I have been accepted to superimpose myself in relationship to something outside of me as human physical body - I realign myself as the act of physical breath within the consideration of realization that following any thought will lead me to doubt and judgments.

When and as I fear from falling out from my human physical body - I realize it is not real, it is because an experience what I've judged as avoidable because apparently within that I automatically judge myself the way as it is not cool.

I commit myself to face all my fears right here where I am as self-presence.
I commit myself to face myself in all ways unconditionally.
I commit myself to stand as Life regardless of any thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I commit myself to start deprogramming the fear what I have accepted and allowed myself to define as myself since childhood.
I commit myself to expose and share all my realizations regarding to fear and self-abdication, self-petrification and self-delusion unconditionally.
I commit myself to investigate all the consciousness layers what I participate within because of self-accepted perception of fear.
I commit myself to stop participate within energy in terms of thoughts, feelings, emotions because it is influencing, controlling, directing me, regardless of what anyone would say to me about this.
I trust myself that I am stopping myself what is not really me as eternal as Life as constant and consistent presence within and as the physical.
I trust myself within the self-dedication of writing down all my thoughts and investigate their origin and the relationship with other thoughts and how I've allowed myself to automate myself by self-accepted 'association' and 'conclusions' to tell me who I am and what I should and what I should not do and what is right and what is not right.
I commit myself to walk the 7 years of journey to Life within I investigate and decompose and correct myself within the interest of what is best for all what is always direct, simple, obvious, common sense.

When and as I experience this physical anxiousness, as some sort of vibration, energetic tense of physical fear - I stop, I realize if I accept fear as myself, I am responsible for allowing myself within existing fear and I walk the mind by writing it out and correcting myself literally physically to stop the excuses and justifications of why I accept myself to exist within fear.


When and as I experience myself as using my body as a separate thing from what I define as 'myself' - I stop, I re-align myself with and as the body as myself as equal as one and I realize I've been participating within self-seclusion and separation by judging my body and judging myself and therefore I am responsible for the experience and the consequence of this separation of me as me - I stop I breathe I let go I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come out an idea that my body is not real in terms of who I am.

When and as I experience myself fighting within - existing within any conflict - accepting any thoughts - I stop, I realize I've been accepting and allowing myself to exist as not who I am - I stop, I breathe, I let go all and realign myself with the common sensical fact that my real location is where and as my human physical body is.

When and as I experience myself to engage into fight with words within myself for instance wanting to think out the best solution to me - I stop, I realize all my thoughts are my past therefore following(fool-loving) any thoughts indicates that I am not really here, I am not really real in terms of what I do.
When and as I experience myself losing my stability - I realize because I've been accepting and allowing myself to take refugee within and as thoughts, feelings and emotions and in fact those are not real, constantly changing and evolving and if I define myself according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I will always will be the slave of my past-accepted consequence without real physical change.

When and as I experience myself reacting on thinking, emotional or feeling level to the physical senses of experiencing my human physical body - I stop - I realize I've never really been here - therefore I've never experienced my body here as myself before constantly - therefore any judgment coming up regarding to this - is not real, it is the consequence of fear from exactly happening this.
 

Daily Food for Self-honesty:

• http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
• http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

Investigate Journey To life movement

Trained and seasoned teachers assist and support you to walk Self-honesty for FREE
http://lite.desteniiprocess.com

[JTL Day 11] Coming down to Earth from ACID-tripping away

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http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com
http://crimesjourneytolife.blogspot.com/

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Okay, a self-responsibility point. Some psychedelic drug stories.
Some might disagree, some don't. It doesn't matter. I write out, I let go, I remain undefined.
If you have different view, please share!
Here is one interview from 'beyond the grave'
So.
It's about ACID. This singular word within me can bring up a whole network-halo interconnected with several branches, and the first branch of it I walk here of why I did the TRIPS within my mind.
I stopped using it since some years, before I started Desteni process, my last trip was in Thailand, with a French and a Japanese guy at an awesome psychedelic trance party and then I've realized it is obvious now that I am not supporting myself with it - maybe the first couple ones were cool to explode some shit to the surface of myself but after then it was of and as self-definition, so better to walk this path as it is coming up here.
I do not have to hunt after Self-dishonesties within and as me - I am walking and when the shit comes, I walk through or it will loop and intensify - and the subject I am referring to is obviously myself.
Any separation within me defined by myself as mind about my mind can not be valid, as any reason and justification I experience within my internal feedback system through thoughts, feelings and emotions is always a mirror of myself saying hello from my past when I've made the consequence with a specific acceptance and allowance of a conditional act of self-dishonesty.
So also I am walking through the judgments I have with LSD.
And I must pronounce I do not say LSD is BAD - but it is not GOOD either. It just is. Of this world. But the experience with the stuff is rather 'far' from any 'liberation' - it tweaks the mind, but all human's mind is using the physical body to get energy from - that is just a note for consideration. I see also that my body is not first class commando-capable in any moment now and I am not that old - I lived many years reckless and just run around not seeing far more than a meter and that was a process but seeing more far here I start to consider my body as equal as one as myself, no separation, no definition. Because any relationship I form within and as my mind - I am defined, limited, even when not realizing that.
So I have quite some vocabulary and word-relationship within my mind - regarding to drugs and I was unaware of that if I do not walk this trough, I am being influenced by people who might do 'stuff' - and it can even occur that I am not even aware of this influence. It is how I've emerged from childhood, I have tendency to be influenced by other humans -  especially with those who I've defined as likeness or goodness - defined but long time ago. So I walk the writing and put the words within and as me in front of me on the screen and seeing these words equal and one as who I am in this moment - I can walk through these self-accepted definition relationships within my mind what is being accessed, energized each time for instance I hear specific words, I am sure you also have some words what you not really like to hear or say or there are some what you like to hear or say because of the self-accepted perceived relationship you are responsible for maintaining and it is common sense to stop. So walking through these words I can walk trough reactions and layers of automatized self-acceptance regarding to things and defining the whole rule-set within the fuzzy-logic energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions as they form relationships within ourselves with ourselves and the physical reality and others around us.
But to have a self-willed directive power here within the consideration of what is best for all is not possible until our relationship towards and within everything is not equal and one with ourselves, because then there is separation, there is definition, control, reaction.
So the key is to realize with words is how I am standing within relationship regarding to these words and not within and equal and one relationship, but of and as perceived separations by the words, what I walk here to be able to forgive and correct and re-align myself:

Wondering about who I am currently as some people even said to me that I could not become who I am without acid, and of course, but it was a phase in my life, I do not judge, I've had my moments, I've even enjoyed myself but not much people can really be aware of the physical consequences within and as our human physical body by these substances in long term and myself personally and you can send me feedback about how you see this that also there was a Desteni Portal interview about ACID(do you have the link for this one specific interview?;) how it was intensifying the mind by seeping of physical-life-substance-energy to transfer it to fuel the mind - and fascinatingly enough the mind was overcharged so many times with the stuff that at some points I even came close to really stop my mind for ever - but what I did not realize that currently I am not aware of how the mind is imbued and ingrained within and as the physical and without the mind operating so many functions within and as my human body, that without it I could simply just collapse.
Because that we, humans all became, energetic entities and without mind-energy we do not really move.
I even can experience that when I wake up I experience a some sort of dream-thought-waving experience within I am fueling up my mind and then me, become conscious and then waking up and then sitting, standing up.
So this is an other topic, but it is really the question of Self-honesty how fast one can walk through releasing all the self-delusions and really change within the consideration of what is best for all.

And MANY I had contact from this part of my life seems to still define themselves through drugs,  but for me it was never the issue. I always knew that as long I do the drugs, I can not be constant and consistent here - because it crawls up on me and it hits and then I flow and then it's depleting and then it's gone - and by these states I am influenced, directed - and by the influence I change perception and how and why I change perception was always the question, and wanting to 'realize' for ever more to not needing to take stuff anymore.
For me is the truth, the real truth of me and the reality with never changing undeniable eternal facts I was always 'looking for' - - for long years outside of me and I was looking this truth everywhere else but Here where and who I am in this moment.
So it is common sense to stop the seek and working on myself to be able to become comfortable with me and stop the conflicts within me what makes me change all the time but not as I want but as it happens.
So for me to let go the ACID was never a question, I did it until I was able to persuade myself that it is really supporting me but when the last trip happened, it was clear that it is just an energy blast within my mind what my body will take, what is the only real of me currently. So this body better write and write instead of think and react, or if I still think and react, then I write that down and walking the Self-forgiveness and Self-correction to really stop reacting to thoughts and stopping the thoughts by slowing myself down to be able to stop the thoughts before they 'occur'.

Also within this human law system these stuffs are mostly prohibited and absolutely illegal so if you are coming from that point of view, this is just a novel what I've made up to have fun and have an 'example' of walking through perceived self-definitions what limit me without me being aware of it.

For instance in the country I am being, even there are steps within law that somehow censoring personal blogs if it would intimidate the current government establishment, and that is quite bold because these guys can decide what it really means, what is so ridiculous that I am not writing about that any more words here.

So, acid, the "fire of St Anthony"

I was quite physically irritated from the very being I’ve became by consistently battling several conflicts within and as me throughout my previous years by the delusional realms of thoughts, feelings and emotions – and with ACID and similar drugs I was able to 'engineer' a kind of blank state, a fluid yet solid; some sort of empty mind experience what (according to my perception in that time) I was unable to attain without re-creating these virtual-death experiences within my mind through inducing energetic warfare by taking these substances.

And the goal was to be able to just look at something without having these judgments and reactions, apparently 'automatically', just me seeing an object in 3D with a fucking quiet mind, like no past, no future, not even 'now' but a presence what reach REALITY; what does not seem anybody around me was able to do, even the 'masters' seemed to be just like ordinary humans in terms of reacting to thoughts, feelings and emotions.
(In that time it was not clear like that, it was more on a resonant level, by that time I've referred to this as some sort of animal instinct)

So within the LSD trip I have my moments indeed, but I was never absolutely satisfied when I started to 'come back' to who I was from the experience of perceptional 'frequency change' within my mind.
Interestingly enough, I've uploaded quite some amount of VLOGS about these some years ago to my first youtube channel, talamoon, so if you are curious, here are some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ2n0&list=PLDD5657342E90A9DE

But after the trip was over,(whohoho, when the trip is over?), I mean when the judgment came within and as me as self accepting thoughts without questioning about 'okay, this is the point from now on the trip is 'officially' over. From now on I am 'back as who I was as myself' again.

And then I've tried to convince myself that 'the trip never ends' yet I was again facing my suppression as the default starting point towards everything what I did not enjoy within and as myself and the reality around me.

For instance for a while I was tripping weekly because after some days the inner reality of me was again re-forming, re-integrating into my action - so then I had the perception that I have to 'clear the board again and start over' - so then I was working on intensifying the trips so that when it flips, 'I' would never come back, as all hippie's dream is about: never ending trip - because within that state - I was able to just be quiet - because of the high dose of LSD or psylocibin(mushroom) or very rarely combined with MDMA(Ectasy) - and that 'extra' energy I did not realize back then that it was taking from my physical body, my tissues - but by that energy - I was able to just unify and liquify all of my mind and remain quiet inside.

So then I was intensifying the trips in order to maximalize the 'profit': the time being experienced within a quiet mind. Trance party

Some who at parties take these stuffs for 'just party' might smile on all the reasons for I've taken these stuffs and apparently having party but the starting point for me was always because of this 'shut fuck up, mind!' perception was - since from a moment it was never a choice to become this investigator of mind and reality and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable or not comfortable around me about the roles what they take in their life so to speak, but I never could really settle down - from family what I learned is that we are demons in hell, from movies I've learned without ego any money I remain powerless slave of surviving, from school I've learned if I can absorb faster and more knowledge and information than others, I am better, from love and relationships I've experienced also some sort of obsession and fear, with alcohol my family given enough example that it is straight goes to hell with it for long term, in that time I was really introverted and only I could really be comfortable with machines, computers and animals and alone and very-very some people - so I did not really see many choices, but to investigate and try out different living-styles because from where I emerged, it was a clear example that anything but this, and it was not 'bad', they 'loved' me, still my mother would give up her anything if it would require, do not misunderstand this, but she also got the fear and teach fear what is not required. Okay, I've written quite some about that some years ago here already, so I REALLY wanted change, especially after years of tripping with white light experiences, I've perfected my tripping techniques what I trusted that I do that and I will change.

I could fill a book just with those techniques but fortunately I've found a much-much more practical solution with Desteni for the same reason but I had to change my starting point and restart living from scratches within and as the principle of Equality and Oneness as Self as Life as the Physical. Try it to apply it within common sense and see it for yourself - but you are always equal and one with and as what you are within/ what you are experiencing, what you suffer from, what you deny or fight, everything is always, constantly SELF.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with any chemical substance what induce perceptional and energetic shifts within me will help me to be a better person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope in any way whatsoever and not realizing the consequence of it as playing a casino with expecting to win regardless of anything but my interest, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to remain like I am currently regarding to my self-accepted and allowed relationships towards the points I feel I am existing within conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the perception of separation I perceive myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself that I do not what I should do and wanting others to tell me what to do and who I am because I do not know who I am and wanting to trust writings, scriptures, substances, others because wanting to polarize-back my energetic valuesystem of experiencing myself as not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body wherein and as I exist and consist of as my self-responsibility within and as physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe/hope that my responsibility ends with my border of my human physical body, meaning only my body I am responsible for and not realizing the context I am within and as equal as one as this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking actually I am thinking as myself fully here within presence and not realizing that when I think and I react to my thoughts, I am absolutely not here with and as all what is here but within self-separated self-secluded self-defined self-internal-feedback system what is of and as thoughts, emotions, feelings what is the resonant result of my constant and consistent Self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to being told what is the truth, my truth, actually I am disempowering my Self-honesty and Self-intimacy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my first LSD experience as this is what I have to do but more in order to experience myself in an apparently more free view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that using LSD for stopping my thoughts and feelings and emotions is always conditional and limited and will not last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to boost my mind in order to be able to use it to transcend it as a separate entity within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the physical consequences of LSD within and as my human physical body as seeping off the life force to fuel mind consciousness system to have an apparently 'more real' experience and not realizing that within the starting point I was already compromised because I've defined myself according to two separate circumstances as 'tripping' and 'not tripping'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the word 'tripping' meanwhile apparently weakening my human physical body here experience I was always aware of that by 'tripping away' I was abdicating my self-responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acid as good or bad instead of realizing that what I project to it it is of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and totemize the acid instead of realizing that everything I've defined within and as me according to the word acid and LSD - is only of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with LSD I will be able to realize myself in a way that within a trip I will be flipped over and not coming back and not realizing that I was already 'was aware of' what I was doing in terms of finding words for what I did as 'wanting to go away from here' and 'not wanting to come back to who I've became and who I've defined myself to be' because I've defined myself as screwed up and I could not change myself and I wanted to start it over, with a blank new start, with a clear sheet by becoming 'tripping' constantly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was tripping and having these experiences - after the experience was gone, I've defined these experiences according to who I've defined myself to be before/meanwhile/and after taking the acid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the common sense within writing everything down how and why and what exactly I experiece but wanting to be able to disregard anything of and as me regardless of any physical consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within and as my mind as consciousness system, I was always, constantly and consistently dependent on the human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I've defined it as a separate entity from me as I've defined myself as consciousness and within that definition I was unable to have any personal power to change who I was because all I did was disregarding my physical reality, started with disregarding my own human physical body and wanting to constantly take refuge only within experience and not realizing that it will not last and it is always self-dishonesty to not consider reality what I am actually sharing with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as prison and limitation and punishment and obstacle and as a piece of meat what I am bound to for a reason I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a one single moment of realization which trough I can immediately be free and not needing to face the consequences of my acts and for what I am and who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within this world to happen and not realizing that within the want and hope I skipped to realize that constancy and consistency is imperative within real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a trip, an experience to change me for ever to end the conflicts within me and not realizing that these conflicts I am reacting to, I am in fact responsible for maintaining them within and as me by a willful participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions because everyone is doing the same, because it is what has been taught to me, because all I've got was this, and my family was also like this, and everybody around me defined themselves according to these inner reactions(thoughts, feelings and emotions).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within this world even if all human tend to define themselves according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I still can be constant and consistent and unwavering within my starting point of disregarding my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'shit' because I was unable to stop my mind in one breath and not realizing that stopping me would take time as it was time for becoming who I am currently and within physical reality, the time is the test for what is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I experience because within remaining undefined, I can never have an apparently valid knowledge within myself for to react with another self-definition to have an energetic experience within me to feel myself as I've defined as 'good'.
I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to desire to end all conflicts within and as me and not realizing that I can stop being CONFin-ed within Self-IN-flict-I-on simply becoming aware of my patterns and how and why I've became as conflict and writing all down to put myself to front of me and seeing it as who I am as words and relationships between words and understanding the decisions I've made in my past which through I've formed myself for who I experience myself to be and making the decision to change even when I do not know what will happen but it is obvious that within Self-honesty I can not accept myself as conflict anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because I have NO knowledge about what will happen when I change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change and only actually change when compounding the conflict within me and then severing from conflict compounding frustration and when it is too much then moving to change what is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do weekly acid trips, then I can keep myself clean from my own mind's intoxication until something more or new will happen what will be my interest and not realizing that giving into any quantum-moment to hope I have no chance because hope makes me wonder and not acting and within physical existence only act is real, I can not feed my body with hope, I actually have to eat physical food.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the conflicts within me and wanting to end the conflict by understanding and knowing myself but wanting to battle over and dominate my energetic mind-dominion with an apparently more strong energy, the LSD.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that since I've emerged within and as this physical existence I accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict by seeing all the abuse around me and more far from my senses all around the world being done to others and reacting with a feeling of sadness and apathy and dis-empowerment and fear what I've suppressed as I could not handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in terms of while experiencing myself on drugs perceiving others how they are really suffering and my sufferings seemed very minor according to how I've seen others in real physical pain and misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I could not really take the impact of how I perceived the world and others as really being in hell but themselves might not even realize how much they suffer because of the constant occupation within and as their mind and seeing this I was crushed by the fact that I could not do anything as I was not even being aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save others and wanting to help others and not realizing meanwhile I was disregarding myself, and focusing to changing what I really can: myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined to be my responsibility to help others and change the world because apparently I did not see anybody else REALLY doing it yet reacting to this self-made conclusion as -I am in doubt that I can really save the world and not realizing the common sense to save myself from myself first.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered/realized/seen that by defining my thoughts and the thinking process and the same with feelings and having feelings and emotions as directly myself and trusting these within and as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as avoidable because within emotional states I've became absolutly and totally automatic within reaction what made me experience myself in a way cold regardless of the heat of emotions, because within reactions I was really closed and limited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions as weakness because within emotions I was unable to control myself because I was defining myself according to constant controling myself because within the fear that if I do not control myself, I could lose myself and then I would do something stupid and irresponsible what I would regret to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances within my manifested physically to write down everything exactly I think, experience, feel, because within writing I am actually assisting and supporting myself to acknowledge the patterns of self-dishonesty, because then I would be more aware of how and why I accept myself as self-dishonesty and within accepting myself to do so I could not stop judging myself as full of shit when seeing directly my responsibility and still not changing in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of writing down everything what I consist of as thoughts, feelings, emotions because then I would have to fear from not changing because who I've became also was not an self-aware decision but of outer conditioning and inner reactions but within self-definition I had an apparent knowledge about how to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to surviving and not realizing that within surviving I consist of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-induced perceptional mind-death experiences through psychedelic drugs I wanted to have an experience of death to know what it is and not fearing from it because I've defined really fearful what I do not know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing myself according to life and death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the starting point of fear what I entail of is of reacting to what is not real, what is not here, but of knowledge and information what is not being placed into practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define perceived 'mind-death' experiences as cheating within reincarnation, and perceiving myself as like reincarnating after each acid trip because within the trip something always changed and that change I've defined as because of death and even defining it as apparently 'joy' to blow my mind within the perception of some sort of 'attainment'.

Okay we've reached the point of 'enlightenment'. That will be in an other post.

Self corrective statements to re-align my starting point as life as all as equal as one within and as the physical.

When and as I experience myself wanting to just skip an experience within and as me, I realize I have the tendency to react automatically with wanting to energetically 'surge' my mind-state with something what would change my perception, coffee, weed or even green tea, computer game or sexual arousement - and then I realize this patterns I've walked many times and proven to me that it is not fully me, so I stop, I take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing and committing myself to really deal with the issues what I want to skip, escape from.
When and as I experience any reaction to the word LSD or ACID, I stop, I breathe, I let go everything here, I am aware of all my definitions are self-created lies and traps what to if I react, I will timeloop with the exact same point what I do not wish, so I simply stop, breathe, disengage, I forgive myself specifically and I focus on what I am actually doing before the distraction as inner reaction.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is good, great, I stop, I breathe, and I realize how I experienced myself with my last trip and the extensive tiredness and intensified mind-experience was really physically uncomfortable what was simply facing myself with a velocity of an artillery what I do not want anymore.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is bad, shit, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that judging it as negative is the same as judging it as positive, and if I do not want to take it then I do not take it and that's all.
When and as I would consider taking acid in a mind-state wherein it would be a great idea, I stop, I breathe, I realize I react by thoughts, feelings and emotions what I've created when I was not aware of the physical consequence of having a starting point of mind mind and in fact I've made the decision to not take any more trips because it is not supporting me as Life.
When and as I want to take a trip on mushroom, I realize I've stopped it some years ago because I've made the decision to not induce my mind with trips anymore because first I'd rather become comfortable with and as myself than trying to make chemical warfare within and as my mind, especially having already physical reference of that the real change and real realizations I've made are by Self-honest writing and applying Self-forgiveness so that is my way, regardless of the intensity of the experience what would make me react to starting to want tripping with mushroom.
When and as I having an inner reaction that a woman who I would define as attractive or important or really fascinating would want me to take trip, I stop reacting and I remain here and I am breathing within awareness of I've made the decision and compromising myself because of a desire what is directly sexual desire or linked with a layer of hope of sexual desire - I stop, I become aware of my physical and principled living based on Self-honesty and presence and common sense.
When and as I fear that I might be punished by the system establishment for I had these experiences or I am sharing about these experiences - I stop, I take responsibility and I use common sense based on what is best for me and best for all equally.
When and as I have the inner reaction to recklessly and irresponsibly wanting to endanger my process by playing russian-rulett with the establishment's law enforcement about how they would react if I would tell them how substances I've taken what they would react to as illegal and punishable - I breathe, I let it all go and I am here as presence and using common sense.
When and as I am experiencing fading my presence within and as my human physical body, I realize, my Location is within and as my human physical body and wherever I would go from this, that I stop, and if I can not change within this, I write down and I investigate and I walk through within Self-honesty to make sure that I am aware of that I am Here as my Location and the only thing I can trust is myself as my human physical body as reality.
When and as I do not experience my body, I stop, I breathe here as self, I become aware of my limbs, my fingers, especially on my feet, because from my mind's perspective that is quite far, as almost 2 meters away from my head, and by becoming aware of it, becoming aware of my toes and as I move my toes, I re-align myself here as the physical yet not defining this at all but remain inner silent and push my expression here within self-aware breathing, one by one, slowly, constantly.
When and as I want to speed up my process, I realize I can only speed up become Self-honest and change in one breath by willing myself to change and actually exploring my change, regardless of what will happen next.
When and as I am with others doing psychedelic drugs, I remain here as physical presence and undefined within and expressing myself within breathing and physical acting.

Self-commitment statements to really change:
I commit myself to investigate all experiences and reactions within myself regarding to the word LSD and acid.
I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations according to tripping.
I commit myself to stop wanting to get high because of anything.
I commit myself to disengage and release and delete and remove all associations and inner reactions arising within me regarding to the words LSD and acid to release the past and be always constantly here.
I commit myself to STOP wanting/desiring/acting to become energetically intensified and end all conflict within and as me by force.
I commit myself to be responsible for each act I do.
I commit myself to PREVENT harm by choosing first already what is best for all and within writing and Self-forgiveness actually preparing myself practically LIVING my decision and not using the excuse that "I did not want this but this is how it turned out, I am sorry", what is a deliberate self-dishonesty because I can prepare myself to act according to principle.
I commit myself to stop accepting any conflict within and as me and in one breath daring myself to be absolutely Self-honest and living physically and disregarding the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself directly and undefined in every moment.

Okay this should be also a series, many points I opened here.
Possible continuation titles from here:

1. Re-aligning self-starting point from drug-minded to and as self physical here
2. Digging about people persuading me
3. Walking through patterns of I persuaded people
4. Walking through persuasion and spiritualism and drugs
5. Psychedelic drug symbolism construct release
6. Self-projection future creation path of enlightenment to hell backtracking

 Thanks for reading, enjoy Breath and Try Self-forgiveness on stuff what you are bothered with within and as you and dare to change according to a Self-willed decision within Self-honesty - on an addiction, a fixation, a compulsion, an obsession, an impossible desire to fulfill or a fear or anything  just write and expand - it's free and the best for you, for me and for all;)