Tuesday, May 12, 2015

[JTL Day 225] Ranting on why I needed CONTROL

I continue with the CONTROL decomposition.

Here is a little rant on my mind personality on control from my childhood:

There are things what I want to control, and there are what I don't care.

Everything within my interest I wanted to control because of my belief that supports who I am.

What comes up first is the want to control the flow of my thoughts. I believed that it is like a tap, which I can simply close when I don't want to hear.

I had so many thoughts since I was kid, it was like these (b)rainstorms and each drop was a thought and just came and came while I felt like I was standing naked in this cold mind-storm and each thought hit me and I wanted to be able to endure those, to have an armor which protects me from the endless thoughts. It felt like madness, each charging, sending me, making me more and more powerless...

Someone always whispering, talking, shouting in my head, all of the fear and suppression, self-holding back turned me into this thinker, which I did not realize then, I just wanted something to shut the thoughts off.

I could give anything to be able to stop the thoughts and there was nobody around me to explain that it was me who created and accepted to grow the thought-streams into rivers and storms by the specific reacting, by the suppression, by the resistance, fear, and keep me thinking instead of acting. Even when I acted, it was based on the accumulation of thought-patterns.

I 'thought' - haha - that the thoughts are the knives - one can use it for doing good and bad as well - and when I felt like 'I am thinking' - it gave the impression that I am walking around something with ideas, insights, possibilities in my mind quickly and silently, but when I wanted to rest and have a peace, the thoughts just came and stormed me about what I should have been done or should not, or how miserable, ugly my life is and how powerless I am and how I should find a way out from this uncomfortable situation I ended up being within. Also many times thoughts constantly showed me all the worst scenarios what could happen and I was overwhelmed and worried most of the time and I defined that 'I rather see the worst and be prepared than not seeing at all'.

I could not control my behavior among others, I could not control my discipline with myself and I could not control my thoughts, emotions, so I felt like I am not the rider, I am something what is being used to ride on...

All I could come up was the attention, it's diversion and how I was able to focus to something which resulted with energetic reactions, excitement, arousal, danger.

What excited me was reading, science, computers, exploring nature, figuring out things and logic.

What made me aroused was anything sex-related, so I listened my mother doing sex, looked at magazines, watched sex tapes and thought/fantasized about women.

Also by being in dangerous situations I was pumped with adrenalin, which also worked to stop the thinking, like doing adventurous stunts, some petty stealing. Furthermore within direct exposure to danger I always move immediately, there is no place/time/space for thinking through and that also made me feel more alive.

So these things I built in into my interest/base tactics to do regularly so then I can have a rest from the thinking/suppression, but still it was the basic thing to do and no matter what I did, especially at nights I always returned to be a 'heavy thinker' which I did not enjoy yet I could not stop. The more I resisted, the more thoughts I actually experienced. Hey, I was not 'mad', just in terms of trying to grasp real stability, quietness, peace within - I never could and that made me uncertain, wavering, doubtful.

After a while at university, with alcohol I could poke my mind around but in 1-2 years I realized that it did not help, only I was able to automatize to act out my suppression, which was sometimes kind of scary because I did not fully remember what I did and some times I became absolutely uninhibited and reckless.

I remember however the moment when I wanted to have a state of mind when I do not remember what I did, so then I decided to drink more to get to that point, because I felt myself tired to always know, remember, define, I just wanted to let it go, let the control go.

But after all it was not cool for my body, so after university I transitioned to weed, which was kind of dual - it calmed me down, yet my thoughts became more strong yet I had less problem with them when I smoked enough.

It made my thoughts/emotions kind of melt together and then sink down into the back of my mind - what I did not realize then that it crystallized into my body and waited to be exerted still, so it was a kind of suppression catalyzation. But for that to realize I had to become self-honest enough and it took some years.

Also then another mind-blowing drugs I used, acid, mushroom, and it was different than alcohol:

With alcohol, my thoughts and emotions became more blunt, strong that in that moment I became one with them without the ability to see that these are coming up from my sub/un-conscious, so I identified myself with my thoughts, feelings, emotions: the mind totally - not 'I think, I feel', but I am thought, I am emotion. - or at least I experienced so.

With dope, my thoughts became less strong, but still more obvious, and if I wanted, I could see and realize that in this moment I am quiet within, in the next moment I am participating within thoughts, but until I really-really decided to use this state of mind to observe, backtrack, understand my mind-thinking process, it was still automatic.

And the thought-reaction automation is so ingrained in the human that once a trigger happens, 'I am thinking' - and there is a thought-ride happens without 'I realize' that I am not quiet within anymore, because one after another I follow the rabbit - and I have to learn to be able to slow down to each of this already automated situation/circumstance/trigger point to be able to have a chance to have a space/time/knowing to decide not to follow the thought again.

But for that I needed something more.

I did zen meditation, mokuso - to imagine and calm the surface of the lake, to have discipline and it was like rolling upwards a huge stone toward the top of a mountain and many times it rolled back and pushed me over, which means I started to think again, and it was frustrating, but eventually I was able to 'break through' and reach different mind states, wherein there was no thinking but that state was gone after a while again. It looked like that with all the meditation I was able to accumulate energy with what I could glue myself to a state wherein I was not thinking but after the energy and focus was gone, I 'transformed' back to the same reactive mind.

So I introduced another occupation, meditation with concept: tibetan, mantras, visualization - wanted to have shortcut, 'inspired' by psychedelic drug trips.

It always was 'cool' - like in game Warcraft, the hero had these symbols upon their head while making magic, so I mastered to imagine these with the om mani padme hung and other mantras.

WHILE I was doing the mantra, the concept, my mind was kind of empty, but after some years I realized, it's the same distraction as I get stoned and play music or do juggling - I am focusing to something what requires attention and sort of presence within, but once I stop it, I 'return' to the same old personality, meaning thinking, judgement.
Also with the definitions, my relationship, reactions to the very point of mantra, my starting point to it, my action, my memories, everything I kept re-enlighting, so that was also a source for energetic experiences, which they 'taught' not to take seriously either, as 'not react to excitement', but still, I was dependent on 'energetic experiences'.

So I wanted to have more radical actions, meaning more psychedelics, more determined mindset within more intense settings, such as goa trance parties. The sensory overload did the attention grabbing pretty much and also the intensity, flow and melodic and sound effects of the music within the dancing colorful crowd made my attention fully.

Also when the music is that loud, intense and tribal, it is like it's pushing away my thoughts, and with acid, mdma, mushroom, it's catalyzed to the extent of total inability of thinking while being able to sense and perceive, interact and experience and more importantly: remember.

What I did not realize that I did not stop my mind, I simply liquified it totally and it became one and I was totally equal with it and by that - it stopped being a separated experience, I stopped being disturbed by it, because it was total integration with my mind consciousness system, and that oneness experience I perceived as stepping out from my mind personality, my limitation, but in fact I did not, just I was able to move without resistance in the mind, I was unable to separate anything from my mind, so I did not experience duality, but it was still not absolute freedom, especially when first realizing that the drug effect was fading and my first thoughts came 'again' - that was very obvious and I was kind of amazed with this 'dog chasing it's tail' with these experiences for while, but in fact I still wanted to control my mind.

I wanted to have the control of turning it off now, because I realized I can.

Because I did not need to think, define, to put it into polarity, to use memory to interact with myself, others, the environment - there was this more direct experience which I became really hungry for.

That drove me into more meditation, more psychedelic experiences but no matter what I did/tried - I always ended up losing the control, wanting to have it and then trying some method to gain it, which I hoped soon will be 'absolute'.

Because one thing I realized - if it's not absolutely specific, reproduce-able, without anything in and as the moment, then I am nowhere from where I want to be, to be able to be and do what I want without any inner limitation, resistance. And when I faced the fact that I am still not 'there' - I was frustrated, and then I used that frustration to charge my desire, intent, motivation to try to control, stop my mind more and more.

Obviously this made me tired, exhausted and kind of pitifully desperate sometimes, but I was so stubborn, I did not realize it, I just knew that I am doing something fundamentally wrong, but I did not know what or how.

I had to burn myself quite much and lose everything some times and meanwhile I never stopped searching for more info/knowledge/method, I found the desteni material, the group and the process of self-honesty, self-forgiveness and direct, practical support for embracing, understanding, stopping the mind and start really living with the principle of equality and oneness.

I immediately realized that this is a key for me so I studied for months and then I started to write my story, started to write, say and apply self-forgiveness and after not much I already started to learn and know myself much directly than ever before.

It took some years to realize my tempo, temperament, attitude and the process is still in the go, but I've changed so much already - I have the ability to calm down, what I always wanted to stop the thoughts, the emotions to overwhelm me is becoming my natural self-expression and there are still points wherein I can react but I already walked through so much self-deception so I can have a physical reference point when I am quiet without suppressing, when I am lying to myself, when I fear, when I suppress so then I can apply self-forgiveness.

So this story was about how and why I started to want control. This point is important because driven me to be able to fuel an other self-dishonesty, the obsession with perfection - in my mind. I do realize that even the greatest 'quality' can become a problem, especially if I become of it, obsessed with it, lost within it, such as I ended up with this whole controlling myself, my mind thing. So that created a polarity as well - wanting to control perfectly meanwhile also wanting to completely let go. Because I never had balance or equality - there was always too much or too less, especially, because I was not aware of this, I did not dare, I rather defined, automatized, trusted definitions/systems instead of me being present, because I always believed that this can be a real escape - if I do everything according to careful planning, I could be free and just expect the best while leaning back. And then I observed myself to 'fail' so then I started to want/develop/manifest more control again.

So this was a split within me, that I wanted to have more control and at the same time I wanted to get loose all of the control but then I had doubt about myself and some of those doubts were 'useful' but it was not clear which was of fear and was of practical way towards self-perfection.

That is an aspect within me which I am also decomposing and releasing: the strive for perfection and there is a point until it is practical, and there is when it's an obsession which diverts me from priorities - but that word will be the next and before that: let's purify and redefine the word CONTROL.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to have absolute control over my mind and body and not realizing that what is actually this control means and how to do it practically and within that becoming an idea, a feeling, a desire, which is not practical anymore, therefore it is not supporting me, but still, when reacting to it with thoughts/feelings/emotions, it would give me energy and not realizing that is self-dishonest, because I am busy with reacting to something I created in order to be able to feel good without actually manifesting what I want, because I accepted myself as not being able to/really wanting to make it happen in real, physical world and not questioning/investigating myself why, what is the resistance, judgement for that specifically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being able to control myself, my thoughts, my life, my actions and wanting to hold back myself and wanting to resist/fight my reactions and not realizing that the more I struggle, the more I sink within my mind, the more I accept energy to influence/direct me and by that having less and less control and then because of that wanting to have control more and more and not realizing that what I resist persists and the solution would be to stop and understand, re-align and stop the original fear which lead me to want to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to control my mind, my thoughts with another thoughts, attention diversion, energetic experiences, such as sexual arousal, danger and adrenaline.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that how and why I defined the conditions I accepted which through I decided what I want to control and what I do not care – as me, as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that control means separation, controller and the thing being controlled, the act of controlling and never realizing the syllables of 'con-trolling', meaning having an inception, a starting point, a point of origin from which having a conviction, a CON, which by I give permission to my mind to be trolled, fooled, con-sumed without realizing the self-deception driven by fear, causing me to believe that self-separation is acceptable and necessary by polarity and judgements, even when in fact I am not fully aware of how those building blocks of definitions I embraced, defined as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am smart when I am thinking, even when at times thoughts can disturb me and I can't stop them and not questioning what is actually happening within me and automatically allowing the identification that what I think is who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the more I suppress actions and physical self-expression/I accept thinking/I react to thoughts, the more thoughts I will accept until the point of total possession of inner conversation/backchat of those accumulated past self-acceptances.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that suppression, when I do not say/act out what I want based on fear creates inner energetic reactions what will fuel my mind to generate more thoughts and reactions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge my thoughts as 'knives', as 'tools' which can be used for good and bad and not realizing that when I am convinced that 'I deliberately think as now using it as 'good', then I am deceiving myself, manifested by brainwashing of me of previously reasoned as having some kind of 'proof' that this is useful, and not being self-honest, open and aware of that all what happens is that I trust my memory, my mind to use patterns what I judged previously as 'good', and not realizing that I am using virtualized models of my past to superimpose what is here and who I am in this moment, and also not realizing that the moment I use thinking, I am always at least one step beyond of what is here in and as the moment and that separation is also the reason I want to control, because I am not equal and one with what is here, because of that latency of wanting to use my mind, memory, thoughts to define and judge, because in fact I do not fully trust myself in the flesh directly.

I forgive myself that I have not realized why I do not trust myself absolutely in and as the flesh, as physical, as action, as sounding words, because at certain situations I proven to myself that without schemas, patterns, definitions, judgements of my mind I am afraid, feeling uncertain, lost, therefore to have the feel of knowing, control, I listen to thoughts, definitions, judgements.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I did prove to myself that I am more smart and stable, effective and better surviving with thinking, listening to thoughts, believing thoughts are being supportive, I relied to already self-accepted patterns already believed by previous thinking, more previous experiences of fear, uncertainty, doubt, which I also defined as not good, therefore avoidable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting and resisting means I believe that I am not the directive principle, the responsible, creator, but the inferior, because if I would be the director of my life, I would not fight, resist, I would simply see, decide and act, therefore any resistance, fear means I still accept self-definitions to tell me why and how I am inferior, which are self-deception, because it is no problem to acknowledge that I fear of something, but to accept it and deny it will obviously create problems.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wanting to acknowledge that I was wrong, I was in fear, I was resisting, fighting in a futile war against myself, my ideas, my reactions, my experiences, my insights, because believing that I can win against my mind, thoughts by another thoughts, with my mind with energy, polarity and not realizing that all the while I am becoming the energy, wasting time and resources and re-creating the starting point: separation, fear, self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to stop the fight, resistance, the need for control, which originates from the perception that I am inferior, weaker, less than what I feel myself being separated from, not one and equal with and to specifically see what exactly I miss, disregard, deliberately avoid to see/realize/understand and forgive/stop/let go within who and what I am in regarding to the point and relationship of this resistance, fight, control.

I commit myself to realize that I can direct myself and what I do as equal as one undefined, self- and life-aware by not relying on memories and if any fear would come up that I would lose, I realize because I do not practically know things what is required, therefore I apply investigation, if needs writing and instead of thinking, I ensure that I know, which means I do not need thoughts to tell me how and what to perceive by directly trusting myself here.

I commit myself to stop fearing from letting go control and realizing that I always had fear to let go this idea of need for control and even believed that I have control in my life meanwhile in fact I am drifting within resistances through reactions which I can recognize
/understand/forgive and stop to give myself the chance to start directing.

I commit myself to realize the word directing entails being direct with what I move with and thus being 'as' what I move with and as myself and if there is any judgement/definition/reaction/fear/desire/excitement in my mind and manifests thoughts, then I am losing presence, I am accumulating personality, polarity, which leads to control, which I realize not the most direct and self-honest way to express who I really am as life.

to be continued with more specific control-releasing, going through the points I mentioned here as my past and also to see what with I still accept and allow the fear and thus the need for control in my current life.

No comments: