[JTL 198] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 2

Continuing on decomposing the word Transcendence:

• [JTL 197] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/think/believe/imagine that the word and action of transcendence is about leaving behind what is here, a sort of escape, a disregard, a liberation from what was before and never ever actually seen/realized/investigated/embraced in fact what exactly it is I want to let go and then figure it out how practically do it, simply, directly here, breath by breath within consistency until it's done and within that not questioning what means to be done and thus revealing that I do not know what I really want, how exactly I want it and in fact why I want it specifically and thus not be aware of the details to the utmost specificity, unable to manifest it as real transcendence here as myself in my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/define that transcendence requires meditation, an attainment, an ascension, a path to walk instead of realizing that all I can transcend is what I can understand/let go/change in one breath, breath by breath, always one at a time, here in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine/think/believe that I can be liberated from the responsibilities, the manifested consequences I caused because believing that would be real freedom and to transcend my limitations would mean to be free of consequence, to be free of responsibility and not realizing that if I separate myself from what I am responsible for then I am not transcending and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that real transcendence mean to step beyond the duality of the mind, the subject, the object, the separation within friction and realize that I am always equal and one with and as all what is here and thus there is no escape, there is no beginning and there is no end, I am here as responsible and act like that or I am not here and I am not taking responsibility which simply manifest consequences for the future wherein I will actually and eventually take responsibility and thus realizing that with time I actually escape from myself and it is only myself with and as who I block transcendence with the fear of responsibility, fear of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to walk alone, lonely, by myself in this world in order to really and truly transcend because any help from outside would mean I am dependent, I am stimulated and thus whatever I would 'reach' - that would be taken away and by that fear defining effectiveness and transcendence as being alone and not realizing that it is not about me, and if I consider 'my transcendence' then it is not real, it is only a perception and also not realizing that the pattern of 'whatever I reach' is a perception of attainment/ascension/enlightenment, a self-accepted projection within time and space and thus not directly self here change/transcend but place oneself into a process to walk with energy and thus not realizing that I am here in each moment the responsible and the directive principle always and whatever I actually do is the fact of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to transcend instead of simply transcend and become obsessed with the word and the meanings/definitions/reactions/associations to the word transcend and not realizing that it is a word and whatever I define it to be that I can live but a release, a forgiveness, a re-definition within principled living is the first step to be able to LIVE the word transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and define that to transcend means to transcend the body/the physical/this world and not realizing that the mind within I am enslaved by my self-creation just not being aware of it allows me to remain limited, desensitized, powerless to really let go and change thus transcend from self-limitation to self-freedom as from consciousness to awareness of who I am and what is here and what is required to let go/change completely and finding practical ways to be the living example of stopping participating in the mind and assist and support myself and others within walking through the same one by one as the accumulation until all stand here unified within the realization of 'I am here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for or accept assistance when I see that I am bugging with a point what would require support and not realizing that effectiveness and consistent self-movement is more practical and self-honest than being stuck with points for a while and not realizing that I am being part of a group, also being part of humanity and thus I am influencing the whole world and I am responsible, whether I act so or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can transcend with psychedelic drugs such as mushroom, acid, ganja, salvia, dmt, mdma and the combination of these substances by believing that these enhance and stimulate my mind to be able to see objectively and more clearly, being able to stop and reset my mind and being able to travel and investigate within consciousness, dimensions, heavens, hells, with beings, masters, slaves, animals, faeries, gnomes, the dead, the consciousness itself etc and not realizing that all I do is I experience in and as my own mind so vividly, so detailed, so mesmerizing that within the self-definition of and as experience I make believe what I experience as reality because it's amount of clarity I define as sufficient to define to be real, as reality, as fact, as knowledge, as wisdom, as transcendence meanwhile not cross-referencing, not using common sense, not reproducing, not using, not being able to direct the experience and thus being lost in and as consciousness while in fact in this physical existence looking at my life, my living, my participation, my influence, my directive power being obvious that I am the same, as others, nothing special, no power, nothing I have really gained beyond experience, memories, reactions and after the effects only remaining with images, pictures, thoughts, feelings, emotions and never considering the fact that I've fooled myself, deliberately, completely.

I forgive myself that I have never ever listened to my beingness, who I am as life substance source that all I exist as and consist of currently is not me, not really living, but as the enormous amount and scale of manifested consequence is constantly reminding me that this is real - I go constantly into the timeloop of believing this is who I am and this is alright, regardless of limitation, uncomfortability, fear, destruction, abuse, horror is being taken place on earth and whenever I experience a taste of it by myself I immediately lose perspective, stop questioning but only wanting to stop MY suffering and never realizing that ANY suffering is also my responsibility but that would require some real transcendence from self-interest which I've considered but never understood in practicality as real time on earth in physical flesh what it takes and requires to let go and change to be able to really act as responsible for what is best for all, no exception, no exclusion, all participants, all life, all beings, all ever was and will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel collapsed within the scale of being responsible for all beings in existence and consider what would be the best for all, what I would and should do in any given and all moments to ensure that I am act so - and stopping here, as accepting myself as collapsed, shattered, stepped back, stand down, withdrawn from this apparently enormous responsibility because relating it to my own self, comparing and opposing it with 'my self interest' against the 'interest of all' and not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is the reason of lack of transcendence, because not being able to take the leap of faith so to speak, to go through the eye of the needle and let go self-interest completely, really and realizing that in fact the only real self-interest is the interest of what is best for all and within that realizing this is transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define transcendent as remaining superficial, streetwise, philosophical, mental, verbal, thoughtful, imaginative, superimposed, abstracted and never realizing that it is always about the practical, physical, actual walk in and as the human physical body, in and as each breath, word and action unified, equal and one and not realizing what exact very systems I've manifested within me which I must be investigated, understood, forgiven, stopped, changed and let go completely to be able to explore what is beyond these self-defined mind-system-patterns from thoughts, feelings, emotions of the personality, the characters of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized that I've defined transcendence as intensity, difficulty and within that not realizing I've defined it with and in relation to energy, polarity, friction and thus always be dependent on it, it's dependent origination of time-looping within the same one dimensional self-dishonesties and not realizing self-movement is not of energy, is not of definition, is not of a reason, but self directly here as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that exactly I have to investigate and forgive and stop and commit myself to let go the sexual desires, the fear of change, the fear of being influenced by others, the fear of failure, the fear of not having enough time, the fear of saying no and the fear of being rude, harsh, direct and thus the fear of not being liked, not being loved, not being supported and within that not seeing/realizing/understanding that in fact because I do not support/like/love/direct myself with impeccable, undoubted, constant self-expression, thus defining these what I want to get outside from me and then compromising myself and not walking through these points specifically, one by one until the utmost specificity with diligent, consistent effort each day, each breath and within that not writing down always what it is I forget, I block, I resist, I fear to face and realize it is self-dishonest, it is not really me and thus naturally let go.

I commit myself to stop all definitions of the word transcendence, including associations, images, pictures, feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories and realizing that none of those were in fact real transcendence or transcendence-related.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed with the word transcendence and let go and realize that I only live transcendence with living words as standing in the starting point, saying and acting the same and thus committing myself to continue to specify my presence, accumulate to remain here, thoughtless, physically directly here and be aware of what and why I do and what consequence I manifest with my actions.

I commit myself to push through the addiction of energy, thoughts, doubt and fear of consequence breath by breath and each mind-thought-pattern I recognize, understand, write and forgive and stop and each areas of my life, each participation I take in living I learn to remain undefined yet be aware, breath with and as the body, not leaving one area wherein I would accept thinking, daydreaming in the mind and thus practically committing myself to use writing, words with self-direction and not accepting thoughts to haunt me and react to those automatically.

I commit myself to continue sharing my process of transcending and stopping the mind and exploring what it means to birth myself and others from the physical as life, responsible within the of actual accumulation of consideration for all equally, including myself.

So that is about transcendence today.

I also continue the LOVE point I've walked recently.

Recently I wrote quite amount as well about points what are not for public eye, but I am grateful beyond any measure that I walk with a Desteni I Process Course Buddy who is assisting and supporting me within seeing points I am within and not seeing, and also how to effectively prepare and script and actually walk transcendence.

I commit myself to continue writing my Journey to Life as it is an invaluable support and dare to share and actually live the words I write and realize.

Thank you very much, will be continued

[JTL 65] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 3

This is a continuation of:

• How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1
• How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 2

I am gathering points I've been faced as paranoia with drugs, first of all focusing on the most stimulating place: PARTY!

Back then I was not able to consider the fact that I can directly move myself - I was always busy with strategies, tactics, methodologies and stimulation what to I reacted and by that trying to 'get free'.
 Well, eventually I've became self-honest to the degree to acknowledge to myself that this is not the solution but meanwhile at least I've been faced so many fears and paranoia.

Since back then, in my old days - I've found very useful to expose myself and my ego with drugs at parties because:

•  there is no private area, I can not pull back to be alone and control everything to my habits wherein I remain the same - I wanted to be changed indirectly
• always faced with many-many people constantly - I did not have the time to think and go into my own bubble and alone wander around while twisted on substances
•  very-very loud intense, mind-stimulating music - it pressured me and mind - at a certain degree it seemed like the music was so overwhelming, it washed away my thoughts
• everybody is screwed - it is okay to be weird and not being judged - I did not need to pretend too much
•  I can be all alone and in the next moment communicate with others - I can dance, I can sit and drink/eat/smoke or I can just watch people - so I can switch the setting immediately if I want or I can let things flow

 For these reasons I've chosen psychedelic trance and drum and bass parties for years to take high amount of psychedelic drugs in order to see how I react and what things I experience and realize in order to realize:

     "Who I am, what is going on here and what I am supposed to do(with my life)?"

However in the first years I have been exposed so many paranoia - there is a type of people who enjoy party but mostly not much - because it is quite intense and it is like a catalyst for the mind to reach certain states - and in the beginning I was not really a party boy - so that's why I've pushed myself towards it - it seemed more practical than sitting in a room and meditating quietly. However this brought up many-many fears and some were re- and reoccurring and those were already developed paranoia what the intensity of drug and the experiences just catalyzed.

So I make a list of the paranoia I've been exposed to while taken considerably high dosage of drugs at parties wherein I've introduced to realize some social paranoia within myself.

PROBLEM

The basic problem is that mostly the drug user is unaware of the fact of 'I am here, I can direct myself, I can directly access, explore and express myself regardless of any stimulants', because once one starts to do so - judgments arise, others can reflect back what one judge furthermore and then one experiences reactions towards judgments and then one does not realize that experience does not last but the physical wherein one is breathing - so then one is focusing to the thoughts, judgments, paranoia and then by giving attention to these - they will remain and will be stronger and then one will experience oneself less and less directive, powerful and self-directive what then tries to balance out/overcome/explode/boost with drugs in order to experience differently

List of my paranoia at party while on drugs:

• Paranoia from being busted by police/authorities - these things are PROHIBITED and in some countries such as where I live it is quite a punishment one can get and considering the fact that these drugs can have 4-10 hours of effects - one requires only think once about the consequences of being caught, taking to police station and being harassed by rude mustached per-judgmental policemen who are eager to give a fatherly lesson of how evenly BAD things I've done
• Paranoia from being awkward, behaving strangely, someone who not supposed to notices that I am high
• Paranoia from judged as not acceptable, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc
• Paranoia from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because I am not really myself being extremely twisted by hallucinations/delusions/realms/dimensions
• Paranoia from harming myself in a way that I am not aware of for instance winter time not taking coat while being in the snow on acid - it does not seem relevant however it matters for the body
• Paranoia from becoming too high, taking too much, what will be inconvenient/unpleasant/surreal/creepy
• Paranoia from not becoming enough high, taking too less, the stuff is not strong enough
• Paranoia from meeting someone who with my relationship is different, for instance a boss or parent of a friend, a girl to I wanted to be presentable as smart and not violently stoned for instance
• Paranoia from losing my papers/phone/money while having wild party for instance trance dance on acid
• Paranoia from someone approach me and wants to talk with me
• Paranoia from the idea of no one wants to talk with me
• Paranoia from losing myself in any way whatsoever
• Paranoia from a girl wants to be with me and I can even barely talk
• Paranoia from screwing my mind permanently and 'losing it'
• Paranoia from being photographed while on drugs and being published on social media/websites

So for start this will do - these I've had back there and I had to face each while on stuff on music party.

Oh yes, paranoia from the music not being good enough was also topic sometimes because I concluded myself to be very picky about what kind of music I can 'fly' with and 'enjoy' and anything else was like 'normal/insignificant/boring/not psychedelic' meanwhile doing these drugs being at these handful of performers were like gate opener for the specific experiences I was after. However - jumping back to the specific paranoia - one can notice that most of these paranoia can be relevant for anybody at any time regardless of drugs - but being on drugs means that the mind is enhanced/boosted/altered/shifted/twisted - and if one has no direction within and as the mind to see and consider what is real while not using drugs - then while taking the drugs it is clear that with the drug one can not really know for sure that what one is experiencing is 'more' or 'less' real.

For instance I remember at a specific event I was on acid and from time to time I looked towards a direction and there was a person who always looked back at me at the same time and after 2-3 like that I thought that he is watching me and I had the questions automatically about: Why? Is something wrong with me or he wants something or what?
 And after all it did not really matter but in the beginning I was really unstable and things like that brought up my paranoia.

And there are certain things what are facts - like the one that police really can come into the scene at any time and start screwing up things by arresting criminals('drug abuse')- so with that I could not really do anything practical - I considered the risk and prepared for happening and if they come I will react anyways but for that I quickly evolved within my mind with the self-judgments of 'fear from it' versus 'it still worthy' and beyond that I will see, I trusted in 'greater forces'.

And it is fascinating to write about drug-related paranoia because except the ones what directly related to the drug itself - any other paranoia is already existing within one's mind but with the drug as the mind is enhanced - there is the chance that the paranoia as manifested relationship with self-definitions regarding to fear might be pronounced and overwhelmed as experience as self identification as well.

Another question is that how one is dealing with 'problems' as self-accepted personality system for instance one can be diverted for instance saying 'let us not speak about it and then it might not happen' or for instance I was the one who if had some drug I did hide it somehow somewhere if a bust would come then I would have time or choice to react with regards to avoid manifesting the subject of my paranoia such as busted for possession of illegal substance by not carrying it around or having it hidden in a secret stash in my shoes etc. But I was not really a druggy guy - some blotters with some mushroom head I was not really fearful - however probably the ones who are dealing with 'white dusts etc' are more likely...

After all - regardless of one is able to consider or not all existing fears within oneself - when taking the drug it is within one's mind beyond some layers anyway - and people seems to tend to just see where the 'ride takes' - it is not always easy to really having a great time meanwhile taking drugs at a party...especially when doing with so called 'hallucinogens' - that is like the very essence of the mind and paranoia itself to face...
 And I am sure that not much people are able to remain always here as breath - and constantly be aware of the play of the mind that it is not real - and anybody can say that 'I know, it is just the trip' - but all experience affects/effects us on a level what we are not aware of fully - therefore influences will come - and already 'containing' definitions/reactions might become stronger or less dominant - but the point I take is that here is NOT Self is the directive principle - at some moments maybe - but in overall - not really - therefore I do not suggest it - rather than one should learn to express self within writing and develop self-intimacy to explore within self-direction and slowly but surely develop self-confidence, self-will, self-honesty and self-commitment to explore/change/express within the full understanding to the utmost specificity of one's life.

Taking stimulating and mind-blowing/hallucinogen drug is different when one is drinking beers and shorts and wine - because some things are completely legal and even promoted by the government until one can keep up with the rules of not harming other or not drinking on street in a daycare etc. And alcohol seems to be some sort of stimulant but in fact a central nervous system depressant. Meaning after a while you might numb down literally to a degree of being quite insensible.

But for instance LSD is more likely stimulant - makes the mind really liquid/fly - and if one's mind contains paranoia - it might fly with it as well.

I've found particularly fascinating to try to predict who is 'eligible' for taking such drugs and who is not by trying to judge them how stable, self-reflective and able to open for those new kind of experiences.
 Overall I've known some mates who I judged as they should not take the stuff and refused them to assist and heard that they had some 'bad trip' and even there were quite some occasion when I've judged one as 'capable of handling it' meanwhile they did some extremely stupid thing therefore faced serious accident what I did not foresee.

Even the very definition of 'bad trip' is paranoia as one is so much focused on the mind that believes it literally and not realizing that programming the mind is responsibility what can be understood, changed, stopped for greater good but not much people really grasp the very possibility to direct and understand - and in fact deciding to be absolutely honest with self  -to a degree to even connect the dots that 'I am might be responsible for all what I experience'.

And after all - these are experiences and what I am reacting to these experiences what will determine which become real as consequence of my starting point.
Even to define an experience as 'bad trip' is consequence of already accepted judgments of 'what is good and what is trip' and then 'what is bad' for instance when a thought comes and I stuck with it's silence shout within - and I react to it and I overwhelm by the echos of my mind and it grows and becomes the entire experience for instance a particular paranoia takes over and a fear would manifest as myself as physical discomfort and I do not understand how I've manifested it and how I did participate within specific mind-patterns and then I am unable to stop and then I fear from 'it will remain so' and then the trip becomes bad I scare the shit out of myself for instance of 'remaining crazy'.

I did not have these things - I was more likely the suppressive guy who was able to suppress everything and in the next moment experiencing 'I am clear' - however it formed as a some sort of depression what is not the topic today but just gave an example that there is no escape from reacting with paranoia if there is a fear within.

Many guys I know had the conclusion to not take for instance acid anymore only because they faced a particular paranoia what made them to pull back and never wanting to face it again - well for me that would drove crazy and I'd repeat the experience to overcome it but not within Self-honesty but with force - trying to empower myself with energy, more energy, with more intense circumstances, more killer music etc but after all - these did not work to transcend the fear really. It took several years to acknowledge that I require more than just these substances or spiritual meditation(what is the same as drug only it's much-much slower) and that is why I am taking the time to share these things for anybody to not loop in time as I did but directly be able to have the best practical tools as Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment to not waste so much time, energy, money and eventually years to run in circles with the most basic points such as fear from being intimate with myself and never questioning why I am not expanding and I am 'having' these guys around me who still believe within the drug instead of directly SELF HERE and therefore they seems to be stuck but to acknowledge it: takes courage but after all - it exposes who we are and what we want to be within our gifted physical life, but it must be obvious now to not dare ourselves to acknowledge that 'I've been mistaken, I was wrong in my entire life' - seems to be tough for many but after all what for we are living if not to realize and change unconditionally?

If everything falls, stick to the basic principle as Equality and Oneness and use the tools, write within Self-honesty, everything of mind, write out, realize the relationships, apply self-forgiveness and explore stopping the existing paranoia - regarding to drug, to childhood fears or even paranoia from paranoia itself.

So drug-paranoia is quite big topic, I've just scratched the surface with my own experiences but the conclusion for this session is already clear:

PARANOIA as the fear from the noise of the mind is problem while one is taking drug and it is always related to the starting point of why one is taking the drug and as it is literally the 'starting point': it determines the outcome, the consequence, the result, the consequence and by these in fact the responsibility for what one is experiencing therefore what is reacting to and how will behave by.

By the specific examples of paranoia(what were my own fears when one (- me, theoretically of course - did/would) take drugs.

The problem as pronounced before is that people are not able to be honest with self to see the starting point for why taking the drug, with what setting within boosting the mind-set for different kind of perception.

Another problem is that one does not see the energetic experiences within related to thoughts/feelings/emotions and how these are really working and in specific daily life events how one really operate by and through and eventually as these inner backchats, habits, personalities, characters.

Also it is problem that the drug and it's effect people are unaware of - just seeing how one particular substance alters one's owns mind and how one is reacting to it for what specific interest.
It is not always enough to say 'wanting to have good times' or 'I want to have better understanding' meanwhile having issues and behaviors what one already have relationship with such as lack of self-confidence or fear from facing a childhood paranoia.

It is also prominent to note that not to be able to see/realize/understand problems and solutions within our life without drug and expecting solution/band aid from a drug or wanting to have a specific experience with what one can feel better or want to change.

SOLUTION

Taking Self-responsibility through and as the realization of practical Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statements and Self-commitments to become aware of what must be done within what circumstances specifically how in each situation wherein one already realized the Self-dishonesty what wants and scipts to prepare, act and stabilize to stop and explore what is beyond that fear as Self as Life.

There is an extensive research have been done by Andrea Rossouw  in the blog called Crime's journey to Life within the following posts:

Spiritual drug usage

• Day 96: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use 

Why people take drugs

• Day 97: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 2

 The causes behind drug use:

• Day 99: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 3

 An example or two of the character of somebody who uses and abuses drugs:

• Day 100: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 4 

 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness:

• Day 101: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 5 

 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness continued:

• Day 102: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 6 

Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:

• Day 103: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 7

 Backchat Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 104: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 8

 Reaction Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 105: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 9

 Behavioral Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:

• Day 106: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use part 10

 Self-Corrective Statements:

• Day 107: The Psychology of Crimes against Life: Drug use Part 11

It seems to be a lot but it is worthy to walk through, I really suggest to do so for everybody to read and embrace as each post is specific and to see within each sentence 'Is this actually related to my own life? How?' And to gift ourselves with the realization of what we are accepting and allowing as our self/reality what we are responsible for - especially when deciding to understand the dynamics of ourselves to be able to stop.

Quoting from this blog:

"why people take drugs*" - the main contexts that one is able to see stepping forth though, is that the drug connects to the users mind and changes, suppresses or heightens certain mental aspects for the person on their behalf, this obviously depends on the chemical compound i.e. the purpose of the drug.

Each drug user will give a reason for using the drug, and that reason is how the person defend their use of drug. If one then look behind the reason, which is usually the beautiful things like 'expression' spirituality and heightened levels of consciousness' you will see the cause behind why people use drugs. The causes are for example depression, anxiety, Fear, wanting to forget, Pain, Worries, Suppression of Emotions such as Anger, Jealousy, to alleviate the discomfort around poverty and lack of money to purchase what others have etc.."

So this is a very cool assistance and support to walk through the reason and starting point what will give some points to explore within regarding to the reasons why one would make habit for taking drugs to in fact escape from reality.

As the problem is NOT the drug, not even the intake of the drug however if the starting point is 'corrupted' by a self-definition - as self-dishonesty as fear from lose - there is a chance that one is not able to walk through that starting point even with the experience of the drug itself - if that would shake the foundation of one's personality, one might build in excuses and justifications and then the 'drug taking for freedom' becomes 'drug for build self-slavery' even further.


And I am aware of that many has the starting point of 'awakening', 'transcending', 'changing' and 'exploring' consciousness/reality/mind/self/life - I only say that without Self-honesty, one can take anything or have access to everything and will not dare to fundamentally question and change one's own self what is already a Programmed Mind Consciousness System what has created/developed and stabilized it's own energetic status quo by the very thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/definitions/habits/reactions as we refer to call ourselves as 'me, myself, I'. That can not be disregarded in a singular moment even with the highest drug experience - as it was built by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2, day by day, year by year and the same consistency is required to dissolve, walk out from it but with Self-discipline, Self-direction fueled by and as Self-honesty as Life.

Quoting again from Crime's journey to Life blog some Self-forgiveness to give an example for what I mean.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within perpetual cycles of emotion and feeling polarities, where I exist from day to day to live for the positive feeling experience such as joy, and to avoid the negative emotions such as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow up believing in the CONcept that who we are - are our emotions, feelings and thoughts -

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realizing and understanding for myself throughout my life, from observing my experiences, that these cycles of energetic experiences are truly not supportive of me as they by nature are uncomfortable, lead to abusive self practices and contain the being within continual struggles and depression/angst.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that emotions/feelings - once I for a moment stop participating in them, do not change me as what remains when those 'cycles' end is me consistent here as a living, breathing expressive being -

then I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see the common sense that surely it is not a system of the mind that indeed supports me, but only exists as a constant battle, a and is system that requires my understanding and directing, instead of blindly following, where I eventually accept a life around who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of living self responsibility in self honesty as what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personality from childhood into adulthood, around my emotions and feelings, whereby I live in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort I experience from allowing my own emotional patterns such as jealousy, anger, conflicted and the 'polarities' between which these points swing - which we call the seeking of the pleasures of life - which would exist as the polarity struggles between feelings and emotions such as: joy/sadness, hope/hopelessness, fear/brave, have/have not, beauty/ugly, joyful/depressed etc.

And finally quoting one Self commitment statement from Crime's journey to Life:

Therefore I commit myself that when and as I realize I will not become a personality through the use of drugs to fit into how society interact on the levels of the go and energy addictions - to stop the fears that come up around the point of 'what If I no longer belong' and to immediately stand equal and one to myself as life, to support only directive living that is best for all, and to realize that to exist in social situations that support only the mind as the ego - is not me as life, therefore if any fears come up;
 I stop I breathe, I stand physically stable and I either continue to participate in effective self expression without competing and wanting to fit in by acting like others - or I make a decision to leave, and I simply look again at the point of what it is that I would like to participate in, what social situations/interactions would support me and to then focus in the future on expressing myself where I see I would really enjoy myself, and to not fear letting go of the old personality designs I grew up believing I had to belong to.

Furthermore check those out, they are invaluable to assist and support to drop the veil of perceived self and explore what is beyond the paranoia and fear to become really free.

REWARD

To understand why I am taking the drug and actually see what I expect from it can start to transform my relationship from the drug back to myself and realize that as the Problem is me - the solution also must be - and the very habit I've formed by taking drugs for stop the paranoia of the mind is already a paranoia from directly facing, exploring, changing, taking responsibility of and as SELF as LIFE.

To explore the social fears what is already encoded into one's owns personality what the drug can enhance, suppress or even change - but if I am not the directive principle it is like a roulette - I play  casino and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose - without ever questioning how this game of mind works - and for real satisfaction is never enough.

To walk the practical tools of Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment and see how one is accumulating Self-direction, Self-trust, Self-integrity to realize that it is possible to directly transcend any fear and all paranoia without any drug is really something what I strongly suggest to consider/realize/try/explore!

[JTL 53] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1

                Here I am starting an(extensive) Paranoia Research Series on 'How Drugs promote Paranoia'.

First of all I am bringing in the context of mainstream(establishment education system) sources about 'Paranoia' and then seeing it through Desteni and Self-honesty principles to establish a baseline for expanding the multidimensional manifestations of Paranoia in regards to: Drugs.

Here drugs meaning substances what alters the perception of the human's mind - specifically focusing on substances what are so called Recreational drugs, Psychoactive drugs etc(for instance marijuana, alcohol, LSD).
I am not judging the substance or the user either; I simply share what I find to be supporting and practical to let go any paranoia regarding to drugs to support myself and others within walking through beliefs/delusions/convictions what are in fact not real.

The Problem

Paranoia

Excerpt taken from: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paranoia

                    Paranoia /ˌpærəˈnɔɪə/ (adjective: paranoid /ˈpærənɔɪd/) is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself. (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me.") Making false accusations and the general distrust of others also frequently accompany paranoia. For example, an incident most people would view as an accident or coincidence, a paranoid person might believe was intentional.

    The word paranoia comes from the Greek παράνοια (paranoia), "madness" and that from παρά (para), "beside, by" and νόος (noos), "mind". The term was used to describe a mental illness in which a delusional belief is the sole or most prominent feature. In an original attempt at classifying different forms of mental illness, Kraepelin used the term pure paranoia to describe a condition where a delusion was present, but without any apparent deterioration in intellectual abilities and without any of the other features of dementia praecox, the condition later renamed "schizophrenia".[when?] In his definition, the belief does not have to be persecutory to be classified as paranoid, so any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia. 

Excerpt taken from: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/1/40.full

 Similarly, others (Mirowsky 1983; Haynes 1986) have emphasised that paranoid thinking is likely to emerge in situations involving:

• ·         sudden social loss or isolation
• ·         acute disruption of usual social networks
• ·         exposure to environments in which previous social skills may not be useful, for example immigration or imprisonment
• ·         acute sensory deficits
• ·         actual powerlessness and victimisation.                          

What I emphasis here is this sentence:

                "Paranoia is a thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion."

                and

                " the belief does not have to be persecutory to be classified as paranoid, so any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia."  

After doing some research within various publications it is not really clear what is paranoia - from what extent one can be referred as 'paranoid' - especially if I use these sentences with the common sense of 'any number of delusional beliefs can be classified as paranoia' - meaning

if someone is holding onto something what is not real is basically paranoia.

However within the World of Psychology this seems to be only relevant when a person cannot function as a 'normally accepted way as it is referred as civilized today':

Again taking a quote from: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/15/1/40.full

    "Dimensional rather than categorical analysis seems especially applicable to paranoid thinking: ‘one person’s paranoia is another’s due caution, and one person’s trust is another’s gullibility … normal development entails learning that “not everyone who seems trustworthy is trustworthy’’ ’ (Blaney 1999: p. 343). Suspiciousness may be adaptive in certain environments, and determining how much interpersonal trust is appropriate in a given situation may indeed be a ‘vexing judgemental dilemma’ (Kramer 1998). Members of minority groups in particular may show defensive thinking that is understandable in the broader social context rather than being indicative of mental disorder (see later).

    An epidemiological study of a community sample in New Zealand found that 12.6% demonstrated at least some paranoid features (Poulton 2000), and nearly half of American college students report experiences of paranoid thinking (Ellett 2003). Thus, many people manifest mistrust and suspicion from time to time but because they are transient, modifiable and not significantly disruptive, such phenomena are not pathological.

    Clinically significant paranoid thinking may therefore best be conceptualised as an over-generalised form of a common and adaptive psychological process which, in its normal form, has some evolutionary value by facilitating the detection of threats to the self by other people. Conceptual models that emphasize continuity (although not equivalence) with normality may be helpful when attempting to engage people with paranoid personality disorder in treatment. "

So it does not seem to be exact just as math does (I am stating out that the education I came from is a different scene - I have a degree on computational science and I have paper of qualified bookkeeping and economy wherein it's all in the numbers and everything is understandable and reproducible to a certain degree by basic math and basically the simple equation of 1+1=2) - it is context- and group- and situation-based - meaning that mostly it is decided by the psychological or psychiatric institute when the person can be referred as paranoid - however mostly it is the case if one cannot function the way as we refer as 'normal'(can't do job to earn money for instance) or the person is harmful to others due to her/his specific behavior by paranoia.

I've quoted extensively to have a clear understanding how the current establishment seeing this only from the result of something what is only assumed and clearly not understood therefore the actual assistance and support for the individual is also varies based on the therapeuts ( see: MCQs: http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/12/6/404.full )

After Some years of my own Desteni and Self-honesty-based research, it is clear that the dimension/word paranoia requires a new and broader perspective what is focusing on the actual understanding of how and why paranoia is created through the mind based on inner and physical experiences and how Self-dishonesty is exactly involved within the steps of creating our own-paranoia and how to actually assist and support oneself to understand/overcome/stop/transcend it.

So quoting another, relevant source on this:

Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 395: Paranoia: the Home of Human Reason – Part One

    "We are now at the Beginning stages of Placing into Context one of the Mechanisms that Influence Everyone’s life on Earth without Anyone being Aware of it - these Mechanisms are Not Yet Understood or Even Researched.

    So First we have to Place into Context and into Relevance the Structural Design of What we are Looking at when we are looking at Paranoia.

    Paranoia is Just a ‘pretty word,’ Meaningless in a way because Conveniently anything that seems to be ‘Abnormal’ may be classified as Paranoia, so it Needs to have a Word that is More Specific. Paranoia comes from the ‘Para-Noise’, the Paranoise comes from the Paranormal, the Paranormal comes from the Parapsychology and the Parapsychology is the Study of ‘Strange Events’ . But Not really – it is just Studying things that you Cannot Really Physically Touch like Ghosts and Thoughts, because Thoughts are like Ghosts: they are here now and then they’re Gone - in a Few Hours You Will Not be able to Remember the Exact Thought you had, you’ll be able to say “I Thought About” but You will Not Be Able to Recall the Exact Thought and Have it in Exactly the Same Way – also when you are Thinking about Something and Specially during the stage of the Developing Paranoia, the Thought will Repeat itself but In that Process, the Thought will Develop. So the Thought will be Changing and Progressively become More Obsessive and It Will Move You as the One having the ‘Paranoise’ the Paranoid Thought more and more to the Center of the Thought Convincing you that ‘the Thought is Right’ and you will so Change even Your Memory Eventually Claiming that ‘You are Right.’ It is a Fascinating thing that this Happens over and over and over again – and yet, our Psychology is not yet Researching this - it has not even Categorized it correctly because in a way Parapsychology is the Study of the ‘Thought Mind’ – that means Things like Paranoia, because it falls in the same Category as Conspiracy and Ghosts and in the same category as ‘Life After Death’ because it all falls within the things that You Cannot See.

    Paranoia particularly Induced through Thought and thus through Memory and thus through Vision – Television, Stories, Conspiracies, Education – that is all Paranoia, that is all Parapsychology because You Can’t Really Touch it. When that Paranoia becomes Physical, it becomes Psychological because it then would Become a Possession for Real where the Person for instance Believes ‘They Speak to Angels’ or ‘They Speak to their Loved Ones’ or ‘They Speak to JF Kennedy’ whatever ! The Fact of the Matter is that At this Stage, the Whole Preparation Stage that normally would have Happened through Meditation, through the Parapsychological Time-Frame of the Mind would be Forgotten."

            
                Within Absolute Self-honesty paranoia is when one is speaking to oneself through the silent advocate: the backchat, the inner dialogue what is called: thinking.

                One is not directly involved with the actual (physical) reality, because it is being disregarded for a moment(and for another moment) by listening to: thoughts about what is going on.

                This is commonly 'referred' as normal: the threshold is only from there where from ones can not live their 'desired' life regardless of being abundant on external resources: one is screwed from within because Paranoia is blocking the way in the pursuit of experiencing happiness.

                As the human mind is not yet understood, how (and why) actually we think and what is the source of it and what is the consequence for it - we can only assume and use models what with the modern psychology is only available to use it for specific interest: for instance in the corporate/government/military sector to filter out applicants who seem to be untrustworthy for giving specific tasks because of imminent signs of paranoia.

                There is actually quite some amount of other Paranoia-related research is being published continuously, so I am focusing this one towards to Drugs now.

Drugs

                Because it is clear that Drugs alter the Mind, within the Paranoia is born as well - and if the mind is already has been set towards paranoid tendencies - the drug might pronounce, enhance or even create paranoia within one's mind - what is clearly the starting point of the human's behavior, expression.

                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug

                                       " A drug is a substance which may have medicinal, intoxicating, performance enhancing or other effects when taken or put into a human body or the body of another animal and is not considered a food or exclusively a food.

                        Recreational drugs are chemical substances that affect the central nervous system, such as opioids or hallucinogens.[4] They may be used for perceived beneficial effects on perception, consciousness, personality, and behavior."            

                http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recreational_drug_use

                    “The concept of "recreational drug use" is that a person can use drugs recreationally or otherwise with reduced or eliminated risk of negatively affecting other aspects of one's life or other people's lives. Advocates of this philosophy point to the many well-known artists and intellectuals who have used drugs, experimentally or otherwise, with few detrimental effects on their lives. Responsible drug use becomes drug abuse only when the use of the substance significantly interferes with the user's daily life.”

                There are drugs what are legal(and even promoted by) establishment and there are what are illegal(even life sentence in prison or death penalty).

                If one has not understood one's own mind and how thoughts are created and why - it can happen that one goes after the experience of the drug without considering these limitations within the current system and might face being caught up by possessing or consuming specific 'blacklisted' drugs and facing serious punishment - and fearing from that to happen obviously can cause quite some Paranoia within one's mind and influence her/his and surroundings life.

                The problem is NOT the Drug - it is the human's relationship with the drug - and to decompose and understand what is really going on requires Self-honest investigation based on Liveable principles such as Equality and Oneness within practical understanding both the Paranoia and the Drug situation as well.

                The problem is that as mostly humans do: accepting how we are currently manifested and the way we behave - regarding to drugs as well - and never questioning the simple and powerful question what with we can use common sense for an obvious solution: What is best for all?      

                Watching this outstanding Interview with Marlen Vargas Del Razo - it is obvious: Why do even need using drugs in the first place? Drugs - a view less seen

                Without understanding it - we are band-aiding the problems causing by as we humans consume drugs and taking refugee within experience, more than actual reality here.

                What are risk factors for paranoia with drugs usage by this page:

                    "People with mental health problems use drugs or alcohol for the same reason as anyone - feel better, relax, have fun or be part of a group. While the immediate effect of drugs may give relief from some symptoms of mental illness (such as paranoia or hearing voices), when you stop taking the drug, the symptoms actually get worse. Problems commonly linked to drug use are depression, paranoia, anxiety and panic attacks.”         

      The same source states:

“Key points to remember

    Drug use can trigger a mental health problem or make an existing problem worse. The results can be serious or even fatal.

·         Use of meth/amphetamines (including ‘Ice’) can trigger psychosis or delirium (mental confusion). Regular use may lead to sleeping problems, anxiety or depression.

·         Cannabis worsens the symptoms of existing mental health problems and makes you more likely to develop a mental health problem, especially psychosis, in the long term.

·         Cocaine use can cause depression, anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks, as well as psychosis.

·         Ecstasy use can cause personality change, memory loss, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, nervousness, hallucinations, tiredness, paranoia and depression in the short term. Depression is also common when the effects of ecstasy wear off.

·         Heroin is highly addictive. People with a mental health problem who use heroin are likely to make their symptoms worse and also limit the effectiveness of any treatment.”

           The problem comes here when the individual is NOT aware of one's mental(dysfunctional/delusional = SELF-DISHONEST mind) condition.
              
                This is going to take some time to draw a practical walk for such disregard for physical reality by celebrating experiences by substances planting/causing/manifesting mental disorders which through one is not only dysfunctional for one's own pursuit of happiness, but directly being involved being responsible for accepting and allowing such a system what we are facing today what is promoting only the experience of the ones who has some value(money, knowledge, power) by disregarding the others and causing poverty, starvation, epidemics, war, child-abuse and the destruction of the environment, animal kingdom, and the whole living ecosystem of the planet.

                The individual's apparently invisible but direct responsibility for such a system is not obviously experienced as how the system has been built up from scratches since very-very early times of human 'civilization' - however applying a certain degree of self-honest investigation based on common sense can unravel to which extent in fact we are all must be changed in terms of stopping the inner 'perceived' self/reality in order to be able to realize the actual - physical - reality wherein the problems are clearly visible only for those who are able to see.

                And paranoia is such a mental occupation which by anyone can be busy chasing ghosts within - without real practical solutions.

      The Solution

                The way to see within one's mind which is coming from paranoia and which is related to actual physical reality is Self-honesty and practical tools to be walked by consistent, common sense-based appliance.

                To understand the reasons and starting points of taking drugs which through people delude themselves with specific paranoia requires time and effort but there is assistance and there are many who already walked through and transcended extensive amount of drug abuse. Many of these people write blogs daily within the Journey To Life group and have made visible practical walk by the tools of Self as Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statement and Self-commitment within Self-honesty and these people are aware of the starting point and the consequence of their delusion and they are in fact able to assist and support within Self-honest walk out from Paranoia if one is ready and willing to give up the past what to one is holding onto inherently.

                I have an extensive personal experience of enhancing my mind consciousness system as thoughts, feelings, emotions by certain specific drugs which through I've created beliefs and the religion of (perceived) self what proven to be not real and even believing such thing seems to be now just a result of paranoia.

                So I will start to expand the Paranoia and Drugs dimensions from my own experiences based on using substances with what I've extensively altered my mind such as hallucinogens.

                I've walked quite some path on this topic and even here within this blog and especially my blog series as JTL(Journey To Life) but from now on I will bring it on with the perspective of the dimension of Paranoia.

      The Reward             

                To let go of paranoia, especially what is strengthened by drugs can assist and support one to establish integrity, self-confidence, stability and consistence within a self-directive, self-willful way - what is then can lead a healthy and self-honest life within one can consider not only self but others as well equally and that is the seed from we can birth real life from the physical within what we all can explore our greatest life-potential to the utmost degree without all kinds of paranoia simply by directly being here and disregarding what is not real and only supporting that is best for all.

To be continued…

[JTL Day 11] Coming down to Earth from ACID-tripping away

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Okay, a self-responsibility point. Some psychedelic drug stories.
Some might disagree, some don't. It doesn't matter. I write out, I let go, I remain undefined.
If you have different view, please share!
Here is one interview from 'beyond the grave'
So.
It's about ACID. This singular word within me can bring up a whole network-halo interconnected with several branches, and the first branch of it I walk here of why I did the TRIPS within my mind.
I stopped using it since some years, before I started Desteni process, my last trip was in Thailand, with a French and a Japanese guy at an awesome psychedelic trance party and then I've realized it is obvious now that I am not supporting myself with it - maybe the first couple ones were cool to explode some shit to the surface of myself but after then it was of and as self-definition, so better to walk this path as it is coming up here.
I do not have to hunt after Self-dishonesties within and as me - I am walking and when the shit comes, I walk through or it will loop and intensify - and the subject I am referring to is obviously myself.
Any separation within me defined by myself as mind about my mind can not be valid, as any reason and justification I experience within my internal feedback system through thoughts, feelings and emotions is always a mirror of myself saying hello from my past when I've made the consequence with a specific acceptance and allowance of a conditional act of self-dishonesty.
So also I am walking through the judgments I have with LSD.
And I must pronounce I do not say LSD is BAD - but it is not GOOD either. It just is. Of this world. But the experience with the stuff is rather 'far' from any 'liberation' - it tweaks the mind, but all human's mind is using the physical body to get energy from - that is just a note for consideration. I see also that my body is not first class commando-capable in any moment now and I am not that old - I lived many years reckless and just run around not seeing far more than a meter and that was a process but seeing more far here I start to consider my body as equal as one as myself, no separation, no definition. Because any relationship I form within and as my mind - I am defined, limited, even when not realizing that.
So I have quite some vocabulary and word-relationship within my mind - regarding to drugs and I was unaware of that if I do not walk this trough, I am being influenced by people who might do 'stuff' - and it can even occur that I am not even aware of this influence. It is how I've emerged from childhood, I have tendency to be influenced by other humans -  especially with those who I've defined as likeness or goodness - defined but long time ago. So I walk the writing and put the words within and as me in front of me on the screen and seeing these words equal and one as who I am in this moment - I can walk through these self-accepted definition relationships within my mind what is being accessed, energized each time for instance I hear specific words, I am sure you also have some words what you not really like to hear or say or there are some what you like to hear or say because of the self-accepted perceived relationship you are responsible for maintaining and it is common sense to stop. So walking through these words I can walk trough reactions and layers of automatized self-acceptance regarding to things and defining the whole rule-set within the fuzzy-logic energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions as they form relationships within ourselves with ourselves and the physical reality and others around us.
But to have a self-willed directive power here within the consideration of what is best for all is not possible until our relationship towards and within everything is not equal and one with ourselves, because then there is separation, there is definition, control, reaction.
So the key is to realize with words is how I am standing within relationship regarding to these words and not within and equal and one relationship, but of and as perceived separations by the words, what I walk here to be able to forgive and correct and re-align myself:

Wondering about who I am currently as some people even said to me that I could not become who I am without acid, and of course, but it was a phase in my life, I do not judge, I've had my moments, I've even enjoyed myself but not much people can really be aware of the physical consequences within and as our human physical body by these substances in long term and myself personally and you can send me feedback about how you see this that also there was a Desteni Portal interview about ACID(do you have the link for this one specific interview?;) how it was intensifying the mind by seeping of physical-life-substance-energy to transfer it to fuel the mind - and fascinatingly enough the mind was overcharged so many times with the stuff that at some points I even came close to really stop my mind for ever - but what I did not realize that currently I am not aware of how the mind is imbued and ingrained within and as the physical and without the mind operating so many functions within and as my human body, that without it I could simply just collapse.
Because that we, humans all became, energetic entities and without mind-energy we do not really move.
I even can experience that when I wake up I experience a some sort of dream-thought-waving experience within I am fueling up my mind and then me, become conscious and then waking up and then sitting, standing up.
So this is an other topic, but it is really the question of Self-honesty how fast one can walk through releasing all the self-delusions and really change within the consideration of what is best for all.

And MANY I had contact from this part of my life seems to still define themselves through drugs,  but for me it was never the issue. I always knew that as long I do the drugs, I can not be constant and consistent here - because it crawls up on me and it hits and then I flow and then it's depleting and then it's gone - and by these states I am influenced, directed - and by the influence I change perception and how and why I change perception was always the question, and wanting to 'realize' for ever more to not needing to take stuff anymore.
For me is the truth, the real truth of me and the reality with never changing undeniable eternal facts I was always 'looking for' - - for long years outside of me and I was looking this truth everywhere else but Here where and who I am in this moment.
So it is common sense to stop the seek and working on myself to be able to become comfortable with me and stop the conflicts within me what makes me change all the time but not as I want but as it happens.
So for me to let go the ACID was never a question, I did it until I was able to persuade myself that it is really supporting me but when the last trip happened, it was clear that it is just an energy blast within my mind what my body will take, what is the only real of me currently. So this body better write and write instead of think and react, or if I still think and react, then I write that down and walking the Self-forgiveness and Self-correction to really stop reacting to thoughts and stopping the thoughts by slowing myself down to be able to stop the thoughts before they 'occur'.

Also within this human law system these stuffs are mostly prohibited and absolutely illegal so if you are coming from that point of view, this is just a novel what I've made up to have fun and have an 'example' of walking through perceived self-definitions what limit me without me being aware of it.

For instance in the country I am being, even there are steps within law that somehow censoring personal blogs if it would intimidate the current government establishment, and that is quite bold because these guys can decide what it really means, what is so ridiculous that I am not writing about that any more words here.

So, acid, the "fire of St Anthony"

I was quite physically irritated from the very being I’ve became by consistently battling several conflicts within and as me throughout my previous years by the delusional realms of thoughts, feelings and emotions – and with ACID and similar drugs I was able to 'engineer' a kind of blank state, a fluid yet solid; some sort of empty mind experience what (according to my perception in that time) I was unable to attain without re-creating these virtual-death experiences within my mind through inducing energetic warfare by taking these substances.

And the goal was to be able to just look at something without having these judgments and reactions, apparently 'automatically', just me seeing an object in 3D with a fucking quiet mind, like no past, no future, not even 'now' but a presence what reach REALITY; what does not seem anybody around me was able to do, even the 'masters' seemed to be just like ordinary humans in terms of reacting to thoughts, feelings and emotions.
(In that time it was not clear like that, it was more on a resonant level, by that time I've referred to this as some sort of animal instinct)

So within the LSD trip I have my moments indeed, but I was never absolutely satisfied when I started to 'come back' to who I was from the experience of perceptional 'frequency change' within my mind.
Interestingly enough, I've uploaded quite some amount of VLOGS about these some years ago to my first youtube channel, talamoon, so if you are curious, here are some:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4s6CnTQ2n0&list=PLDD5657342E90A9DE

But after the trip was over,(whohoho, when the trip is over?), I mean when the judgment came within and as me as self accepting thoughts without questioning about 'okay, this is the point from now on the trip is 'officially' over. From now on I am 'back as who I was as myself' again.

And then I've tried to convince myself that 'the trip never ends' yet I was again facing my suppression as the default starting point towards everything what I did not enjoy within and as myself and the reality around me.

For instance for a while I was tripping weekly because after some days the inner reality of me was again re-forming, re-integrating into my action - so then I had the perception that I have to 'clear the board again and start over' - so then I was working on intensifying the trips so that when it flips, 'I' would never come back, as all hippie's dream is about: never ending trip - because within that state - I was able to just be quiet - because of the high dose of LSD or psylocibin(mushroom) or very rarely combined with MDMA(Ectasy) - and that 'extra' energy I did not realize back then that it was taking from my physical body, my tissues - but by that energy - I was able to just unify and liquify all of my mind and remain quiet inside.

So then I was intensifying the trips in order to maximalize the 'profit': the time being experienced within a quiet mind. Trance party

Some who at parties take these stuffs for 'just party' might smile on all the reasons for I've taken these stuffs and apparently having party but the starting point for me was always because of this 'shut fuck up, mind!' perception was - since from a moment it was never a choice to become this investigator of mind and reality and everyone seemed to be quite comfortable or not comfortable around me about the roles what they take in their life so to speak, but I never could really settle down - from family what I learned is that we are demons in hell, from movies I've learned without ego any money I remain powerless slave of surviving, from school I've learned if I can absorb faster and more knowledge and information than others, I am better, from love and relationships I've experienced also some sort of obsession and fear, with alcohol my family given enough example that it is straight goes to hell with it for long term, in that time I was really introverted and only I could really be comfortable with machines, computers and animals and alone and very-very some people - so I did not really see many choices, but to investigate and try out different living-styles because from where I emerged, it was a clear example that anything but this, and it was not 'bad', they 'loved' me, still my mother would give up her anything if it would require, do not misunderstand this, but she also got the fear and teach fear what is not required. Okay, I've written quite some about that some years ago here already, so I REALLY wanted change, especially after years of tripping with white light experiences, I've perfected my tripping techniques what I trusted that I do that and I will change.

I could fill a book just with those techniques but fortunately I've found a much-much more practical solution with Desteni for the same reason but I had to change my starting point and restart living from scratches within and as the principle of Equality and Oneness as Self as Life as the Physical. Try it to apply it within common sense and see it for yourself - but you are always equal and one with and as what you are within/ what you are experiencing, what you suffer from, what you deny or fight, everything is always, constantly SELF.

Self-forgiveness and Self-correction is here:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that with any chemical substance what induce perceptional and energetic shifts within me will help me to be a better person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give into the energetic temptation of hope in any way whatsoever and not realizing the consequence of it as playing a casino with expecting to win regardless of anything but my interest, me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to remain like I am currently regarding to my self-accepted and allowed relationships towards the points I feel I am existing within conflict.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worship energy within and as my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from remaining within the perception of separation I perceive myself to exist within and as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself that I do not what I should do and wanting others to tell me what to do and who I am because I do not know who I am and wanting to trust writings, scriptures, substances, others because wanting to polarize-back my energetic valuesystem of experiencing myself as not trusting me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of my human physical body wherein and as I exist and consist of as my self-responsibility within and as physical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/define/believe/hope that my responsibility ends with my border of my human physical body, meaning only my body I am responsible for and not realizing the context I am within and as equal as one as this reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to thinking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with thinking actually I am thinking as myself fully here within presence and not realizing that when I think and I react to my thoughts, I am absolutely not here with and as all what is here but within self-separated self-secluded self-defined self-internal-feedback system what is of and as thoughts, emotions, feelings what is the resonant result of my constant and consistent Self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within wanting to being told what is the truth, my truth, actually I am disempowering my Self-honesty and Self-intimacy here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my first LSD experience as this is what I have to do but more in order to experience myself in an apparently more free view.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that using LSD for stopping my thoughts and feelings and emotions is always conditional and limited and will not last.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to boost my mind in order to be able to use it to transcend it as a separate entity within and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware of the physical consequences of LSD within and as my human physical body as seeping off the life force to fuel mind consciousness system to have an apparently 'more real' experience and not realizing that within the starting point I was already compromised because I've defined myself according to two separate circumstances as 'tripping' and 'not tripping'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the word 'tripping' meanwhile apparently weakening my human physical body here experience I was always aware of that by 'tripping away' I was abdicating my self-responsibility here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge acid as good or bad instead of realizing that what I project to it it is of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project and totemize the acid instead of realizing that everything I've defined within and as me according to the word acid and LSD - is only of and as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that with LSD I will be able to realize myself in a way that within a trip I will be flipped over and not coming back and not realizing that I was already 'was aware of' what I was doing in terms of finding words for what I did as 'wanting to go away from here' and 'not wanting to come back to who I've became and who I've defined myself to be' because I've defined myself as screwed up and I could not change myself and I wanted to start it over, with a blank new start, with a clear sheet by becoming 'tripping' constantly.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I was tripping and having these experiences - after the experience was gone, I've defined these experiences according to who I've defined myself to be before/meanwhile/and after taking the acid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the common sense within writing everything down how and why and what exactly I experiece but wanting to be able to disregard anything of and as me regardless of any physical consequence.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within and as my mind as consciousness system, I was always, constantly and consistently dependent on the human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my human physical body because I've defined it as a separate entity from me as I've defined myself as consciousness and within that definition I was unable to have any personal power to change who I was because all I did was disregarding my physical reality, started with disregarding my own human physical body and wanting to constantly take refuge only within experience and not realizing that it will not last and it is always self-dishonesty to not consider reality what I am actually sharing with others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my human physical body as prison and limitation and punishment and obstacle and as a piece of meat what I am bound to for a reason I do not understand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a one single moment of realization which trough I can immediately be free and not needing to face the consequences of my acts and for what I am and who I am and what I am accepting and allowing within this world to happen and not realizing that within the want and hope I skipped to realize that constancy and consistency is imperative within real physical change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a trip, an experience to change me for ever to end the conflicts within me and not realizing that these conflicts I am reacting to, I am in fact responsible for maintaining them within and as me by a willful participation within thoughts and feelings and emotions because everyone is doing the same, because it is what has been taught to me, because all I've got was this, and my family was also like this, and everybody around me defined themselves according to these inner reactions(thoughts, feelings and emotions).

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within this world even if all human tend to define themselves according to thoughts, feelings, emotions, I still can be constant and consistent and unwavering within my starting point of disregarding my thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as 'shit' because I was unable to stop my mind in one breath and not realizing that stopping me would take time as it was time for becoming who I am currently and within physical reality, the time is the test for what is real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define what I experience because within remaining undefined, I can never have an apparently valid knowledge within myself for to react with another self-definition to have an energetic experience within me to feel myself as I've defined as 'good'.
I forgive myself that I have acceped and allowed myself to desire to end all conflicts within and as me and not realizing that I can stop being CONFin-ed within Self-IN-flict-I-on simply becoming aware of my patterns and how and why I've became as conflict and writing all down to put myself to front of me and seeing it as who I am as words and relationships between words and understanding the decisions I've made in my past which through I've formed myself for who I experience myself to be and making the decision to change even when I do not know what will happen but it is obvious that within Self-honesty I can not accept myself as conflict anymore.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from changing because I have NO knowledge about what will happen when I change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to change and only actually change when compounding the conflict within me and then severing from conflict compounding frustration and when it is too much then moving to change what is unnecessary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I do weekly acid trips, then I can keep myself clean from my own mind's intoxication until something more or new will happen what will be my interest and not realizing that giving into any quantum-moment to hope I have no chance because hope makes me wonder and not acting and within physical existence only act is real, I can not feed my body with hope, I actually have to eat physical food.

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the conflicts within me and wanting to end the conflict by understanding and knowing myself but wanting to battle over and dominate my energetic mind-dominion with an apparently more strong energy, the LSD.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that since I've emerged within and as this physical existence I accepted and allowed myself to exist within conflict by seeing all the abuse around me and more far from my senses all around the world being done to others and reacting with a feeling of sadness and apathy and dis-empowerment and fear what I've suppressed as I could not handle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to help others in terms of while experiencing myself on drugs perceiving others how they are really suffering and my sufferings seemed very minor according to how I've seen others in real physical pain and misery.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I could not really take the impact of how I perceived the world and others as really being in hell but themselves might not even realize how much they suffer because of the constant occupation within and as their mind and seeing this I was crushed by the fact that I could not do anything as I was not even being aware of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to save others and wanting to help others and not realizing meanwhile I was disregarding myself, and focusing to changing what I really can: myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I've defined to be my responsibility to help others and change the world because apparently I did not see anybody else REALLY doing it yet reacting to this self-made conclusion as -I am in doubt that I can really save the world and not realizing the common sense to save myself from myself first.
I forgive myself that I have never ever considered/realized/seen that by defining my thoughts and the thinking process and the same with feelings and having feelings and emotions as directly myself and trusting these within and as me as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotions as avoidable because within emotional states I've became absolutly and totally automatic within reaction what made me experience myself in a way cold regardless of the heat of emotions, because within reactions I was really closed and limited.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge emotions as weakness because within emotions I was unable to control myself because I was defining myself according to constant controling myself because within the fear that if I do not control myself, I could lose myself and then I would do something stupid and irresponsible what I would regret to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resistances within my manifested physically to write down everything exactly I think, experience, feel, because within writing I am actually assisting and supporting myself to acknowledge the patterns of self-dishonesty, because then I would be more aware of how and why I accept myself as self-dishonesty and within accepting myself to do so I could not stop judging myself as full of shit when seeing directly my responsibility and still not changing in one breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the consequences of writing down everything what I consist of as thoughts, feelings, emotions because then I would have to fear from not changing because who I've became also was not an self-aware decision but of outer conditioning and inner reactions but within self-definition I had an apparent knowledge about how to survive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to surviving and not realizing that within surviving I consist of fear of death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the self-induced perceptional mind-death experiences through psychedelic drugs I wanted to have an experience of death to know what it is and not fearing from it because I've defined really fearful what I do not know.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not knowing myself according to life and death.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the starting point of fear what I entail of is of reacting to what is not real, what is not here, but of knowledge and information what is not being placed into practical application.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe and define perceived 'mind-death' experiences as cheating within reincarnation, and perceiving myself as like reincarnating after each acid trip because within the trip something always changed and that change I've defined as because of death and even defining it as apparently 'joy' to blow my mind within the perception of some sort of 'attainment'.

Okay we've reached the point of 'enlightenment'. That will be in an other post.

Self corrective statements to re-align my starting point as life as all as equal as one within and as the physical.

When and as I experience myself wanting to just skip an experience within and as me, I realize I have the tendency to react automatically with wanting to energetically 'surge' my mind-state with something what would change my perception, coffee, weed or even green tea, computer game or sexual arousement - and then I realize this patterns I've walked many times and proven to me that it is not fully me, so I stop, I take responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing and committing myself to really deal with the issues what I want to skip, escape from.
When and as I experience any reaction to the word LSD or ACID, I stop, I breathe, I let go everything here, I am aware of all my definitions are self-created lies and traps what to if I react, I will timeloop with the exact same point what I do not wish, so I simply stop, breathe, disengage, I forgive myself specifically and I focus on what I am actually doing before the distraction as inner reaction.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is good, great, I stop, I breathe, and I realize how I experienced myself with my last trip and the extensive tiredness and intensified mind-experience was really physically uncomfortable what was simply facing myself with a velocity of an artillery what I do not want anymore.
When and as I think that LSD/acid is bad, shit, I stop, I breathe, and I realize that judging it as negative is the same as judging it as positive, and if I do not want to take it then I do not take it and that's all.
When and as I would consider taking acid in a mind-state wherein it would be a great idea, I stop, I breathe, I realize I react by thoughts, feelings and emotions what I've created when I was not aware of the physical consequence of having a starting point of mind mind and in fact I've made the decision to not take any more trips because it is not supporting me as Life.
When and as I want to take a trip on mushroom, I realize I've stopped it some years ago because I've made the decision to not induce my mind with trips anymore because first I'd rather become comfortable with and as myself than trying to make chemical warfare within and as my mind, especially having already physical reference of that the real change and real realizations I've made are by Self-honest writing and applying Self-forgiveness so that is my way, regardless of the intensity of the experience what would make me react to starting to want tripping with mushroom.
When and as I having an inner reaction that a woman who I would define as attractive or important or really fascinating would want me to take trip, I stop reacting and I remain here and I am breathing within awareness of I've made the decision and compromising myself because of a desire what is directly sexual desire or linked with a layer of hope of sexual desire - I stop, I become aware of my physical and principled living based on Self-honesty and presence and common sense.
When and as I fear that I might be punished by the system establishment for I had these experiences or I am sharing about these experiences - I stop, I take responsibility and I use common sense based on what is best for me and best for all equally.
When and as I have the inner reaction to recklessly and irresponsibly wanting to endanger my process by playing russian-rulett with the establishment's law enforcement about how they would react if I would tell them how substances I've taken what they would react to as illegal and punishable - I breathe, I let it all go and I am here as presence and using common sense.
When and as I am experiencing fading my presence within and as my human physical body, I realize, my Location is within and as my human physical body and wherever I would go from this, that I stop, and if I can not change within this, I write down and I investigate and I walk through within Self-honesty to make sure that I am aware of that I am Here as my Location and the only thing I can trust is myself as my human physical body as reality.
When and as I do not experience my body, I stop, I breathe here as self, I become aware of my limbs, my fingers, especially on my feet, because from my mind's perspective that is quite far, as almost 2 meters away from my head, and by becoming aware of it, becoming aware of my toes and as I move my toes, I re-align myself here as the physical yet not defining this at all but remain inner silent and push my expression here within self-aware breathing, one by one, slowly, constantly.
When and as I want to speed up my process, I realize I can only speed up become Self-honest and change in one breath by willing myself to change and actually exploring my change, regardless of what will happen next.
When and as I am with others doing psychedelic drugs, I remain here as physical presence and undefined within and expressing myself within breathing and physical acting.

Self-commitment statements to really change:
I commit myself to investigate all experiences and reactions within myself regarding to the word LSD and acid.
I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations according to tripping.
I commit myself to stop wanting to get high because of anything.
I commit myself to disengage and release and delete and remove all associations and inner reactions arising within me regarding to the words LSD and acid to release the past and be always constantly here.
I commit myself to STOP wanting/desiring/acting to become energetically intensified and end all conflict within and as me by force.
I commit myself to be responsible for each act I do.
I commit myself to PREVENT harm by choosing first already what is best for all and within writing and Self-forgiveness actually preparing myself practically LIVING my decision and not using the excuse that "I did not want this but this is how it turned out, I am sorry", what is a deliberate self-dishonesty because I can prepare myself to act according to principle.
I commit myself to stop accepting any conflict within and as me and in one breath daring myself to be absolutely Self-honest and living physically and disregarding the mind as thoughts, emotions, feelings and expressing myself directly and undefined in every moment.

Okay this should be also a series, many points I opened here.
Possible continuation titles from here:

1. Re-aligning self-starting point from drug-minded to and as self physical here
2. Digging about people persuading me
3. Walking through patterns of I persuaded people
4. Walking through persuasion and spiritualism and drugs
5. Psychedelic drug symbolism construct release
6. Self-projection future creation path of enlightenment to hell backtracking

 Thanks for reading, enjoy Breath and Try Self-forgiveness on stuff what you are bothered with within and as you and dare to change according to a Self-willed decision within Self-honesty - on an addiction, a fixation, a compulsion, an obsession, an impossible desire to fulfill or a fear or anything  just write and expand - it's free and the best for you, for me and for all;)