[JTL 198] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 2

Continuing on decomposing the word Transcendence:

• [JTL 197] Transcendence - the movie and beyond part 1

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define/think/believe/imagine that the word and action of transcendence is about leaving behind what is here, a sort of escape, a disregard, a liberation from what was before and never ever actually seen/realized/investigated/embraced in fact what exactly it is I want to let go and then figure it out how practically do it, simply, directly here, breath by breath within consistency until it's done and within that not questioning what means to be done and thus revealing that I do not know what I really want, how exactly I want it and in fact why I want it specifically and thus not be aware of the details to the utmost specificity, unable to manifest it as real transcendence here as myself in my reality as equal as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/think/define that transcendence requires meditation, an attainment, an ascension, a path to walk instead of realizing that all I can transcend is what I can understand/let go/change in one breath, breath by breath, always one at a time, here in and as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine/think/believe that I can be liberated from the responsibilities, the manifested consequences I caused because believing that would be real freedom and to transcend my limitations would mean to be free of consequence, to be free of responsibility and not realizing that if I separate myself from what I am responsible for then I am not transcending and within that I forgive myself that I have not realized that real transcendence mean to step beyond the duality of the mind, the subject, the object, the separation within friction and realize that I am always equal and one with and as all what is here and thus there is no escape, there is no beginning and there is no end, I am here as responsible and act like that or I am not here and I am not taking responsibility which simply manifest consequences for the future wherein I will actually and eventually take responsibility and thus realizing that with time I actually escape from myself and it is only myself with and as who I block transcendence with the fear of responsibility, fear of change.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I have to walk alone, lonely, by myself in this world in order to really and truly transcend because any help from outside would mean I am dependent, I am stimulated and thus whatever I would 'reach' - that would be taken away and by that fear defining effectiveness and transcendence as being alone and not realizing that it is not about me, and if I consider 'my transcendence' then it is not real, it is only a perception and also not realizing that the pattern of 'whatever I reach' is a perception of attainment/ascension/enlightenment, a self-accepted projection within time and space and thus not directly self here change/transcend but place oneself into a process to walk with energy and thus not realizing that I am here in each moment the responsible and the directive principle always and whatever I actually do is the fact of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to transcend instead of simply transcend and become obsessed with the word and the meanings/definitions/reactions/associations to the word transcend and not realizing that it is a word and whatever I define it to be that I can live but a release, a forgiveness, a re-definition within principled living is the first step to be able to LIVE the word transcend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and define that to transcend means to transcend the body/the physical/this world and not realizing that the mind within I am enslaved by my self-creation just not being aware of it allows me to remain limited, desensitized, powerless to really let go and change thus transcend from self-limitation to self-freedom as from consciousness to awareness of who I am and what is here and what is required to let go/change completely and finding practical ways to be the living example of stopping participating in the mind and assist and support myself and others within walking through the same one by one as the accumulation until all stand here unified within the realization of 'I am here'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask for or accept assistance when I see that I am bugging with a point what would require support and not realizing that effectiveness and consistent self-movement is more practical and self-honest than being stuck with points for a while and not realizing that I am being part of a group, also being part of humanity and thus I am influencing the whole world and I am responsible, whether I act so or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can transcend with psychedelic drugs such as mushroom, acid, ganja, salvia, dmt, mdma and the combination of these substances by believing that these enhance and stimulate my mind to be able to see objectively and more clearly, being able to stop and reset my mind and being able to travel and investigate within consciousness, dimensions, heavens, hells, with beings, masters, slaves, animals, faeries, gnomes, the dead, the consciousness itself etc and not realizing that all I do is I experience in and as my own mind so vividly, so detailed, so mesmerizing that within the self-definition of and as experience I make believe what I experience as reality because it's amount of clarity I define as sufficient to define to be real, as reality, as fact, as knowledge, as wisdom, as transcendence meanwhile not cross-referencing, not using common sense, not reproducing, not using, not being able to direct the experience and thus being lost in and as consciousness while in fact in this physical existence looking at my life, my living, my participation, my influence, my directive power being obvious that I am the same, as others, nothing special, no power, nothing I have really gained beyond experience, memories, reactions and after the effects only remaining with images, pictures, thoughts, feelings, emotions and never considering the fact that I've fooled myself, deliberately, completely.

I forgive myself that I have never ever listened to my beingness, who I am as life substance source that all I exist as and consist of currently is not me, not really living, but as the enormous amount and scale of manifested consequence is constantly reminding me that this is real - I go constantly into the timeloop of believing this is who I am and this is alright, regardless of limitation, uncomfortability, fear, destruction, abuse, horror is being taken place on earth and whenever I experience a taste of it by myself I immediately lose perspective, stop questioning but only wanting to stop MY suffering and never realizing that ANY suffering is also my responsibility but that would require some real transcendence from self-interest which I've considered but never understood in practicality as real time on earth in physical flesh what it takes and requires to let go and change to be able to really act as responsible for what is best for all, no exception, no exclusion, all participants, all life, all beings, all ever was and will be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel collapsed within the scale of being responsible for all beings in existence and consider what would be the best for all, what I would and should do in any given and all moments to ensure that I am act so - and stopping here, as accepting myself as collapsed, shattered, stepped back, stand down, withdrawn from this apparently enormous responsibility because relating it to my own self, comparing and opposing it with 'my self interest' against the 'interest of all' and not seeing/realizing/understanding that this is the reason of lack of transcendence, because not being able to take the leap of faith so to speak, to go through the eye of the needle and let go self-interest completely, really and realizing that in fact the only real self-interest is the interest of what is best for all and within that realizing this is transcendence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define transcendent as remaining superficial, streetwise, philosophical, mental, verbal, thoughtful, imaginative, superimposed, abstracted and never realizing that it is always about the practical, physical, actual walk in and as the human physical body, in and as each breath, word and action unified, equal and one and not realizing what exact very systems I've manifested within me which I must be investigated, understood, forgiven, stopped, changed and let go completely to be able to explore what is beyond these self-defined mind-system-patterns from thoughts, feelings, emotions of the personality, the characters of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have never ever realized that I've defined transcendence as intensity, difficulty and within that not realizing I've defined it with and in relation to energy, polarity, friction and thus always be dependent on it, it's dependent origination of time-looping within the same one dimensional self-dishonesties and not realizing self-movement is not of energy, is not of definition, is not of a reason, but self directly here as life.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that exactly I have to investigate and forgive and stop and commit myself to let go the sexual desires, the fear of change, the fear of being influenced by others, the fear of failure, the fear of not having enough time, the fear of saying no and the fear of being rude, harsh, direct and thus the fear of not being liked, not being loved, not being supported and within that not seeing/realizing/understanding that in fact because I do not support/like/love/direct myself with impeccable, undoubted, constant self-expression, thus defining these what I want to get outside from me and then compromising myself and not walking through these points specifically, one by one until the utmost specificity with diligent, consistent effort each day, each breath and within that not writing down always what it is I forget, I block, I resist, I fear to face and realize it is self-dishonest, it is not really me and thus naturally let go.

I commit myself to stop all definitions of the word transcendence, including associations, images, pictures, feelings, emotions, thoughts, memories and realizing that none of those were in fact real transcendence or transcendence-related.

I commit myself to stop being obsessed with the word transcendence and let go and realize that I only live transcendence with living words as standing in the starting point, saying and acting the same and thus committing myself to continue to specify my presence, accumulate to remain here, thoughtless, physically directly here and be aware of what and why I do and what consequence I manifest with my actions.

I commit myself to push through the addiction of energy, thoughts, doubt and fear of consequence breath by breath and each mind-thought-pattern I recognize, understand, write and forgive and stop and each areas of my life, each participation I take in living I learn to remain undefined yet be aware, breath with and as the body, not leaving one area wherein I would accept thinking, daydreaming in the mind and thus practically committing myself to use writing, words with self-direction and not accepting thoughts to haunt me and react to those automatically.

I commit myself to continue sharing my process of transcending and stopping the mind and exploring what it means to birth myself and others from the physical as life, responsible within the of actual accumulation of consideration for all equally, including myself.

So that is about transcendence today.

I also continue the LOVE point I've walked recently.

Recently I wrote quite amount as well about points what are not for public eye, but I am grateful beyond any measure that I walk with a Desteni I Process Course Buddy who is assisting and supporting me within seeing points I am within and not seeing, and also how to effectively prepare and script and actually walk transcendence.

I commit myself to continue writing my Journey to Life as it is an invaluable support and dare to share and actually live the words I write and realize.

Thank you very much, will be continued

[JTL 139] Stopping weed addiction support

This is a continuation of Desteni I Process live hangout on the topic of Weed addiction.



Within the 40 minutes there were some points what could not fit in to talk about however it is crucial to share as many points about this as possible to support those who are facing difficulties to stop.

I have already written about this point here, where I provided quite some links for self-support from those who already walked through this point within Self-honesty:

• http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/03/jtl-16-self-responsibility-weed.html

Especially with the recent weed legalization campaigns it is crucial to to get all the points out there to all who wants to realize, understand the relevant points and find support or are just curious.

The point is that if something is legal - it does not mean it is not bad - just look at alcohol - I've posted some facts about alcohol already - that is really self-abusive and those who say it is good, beneficial etc - they might not consider facts, the bigger picture and unforeseen consequences, not only for the consumer, but for the community, economics, children etc.

So weed, marijuana, ganja, pot, hashish, pollen, cookie, you name it - the same plant: cannabis, the same substance: THC.

The most outstanding point is that any drug, any mind-altering stuff only works when one is participating in the mind - if one is fully here, direct, physical, present, no mind - the drug has no effect whatsoever(of course if it is that much, then one might fall asleep, as it is a physical process, the chemicals, the brain, the body's response etc).

So it is blowing my mind - and the mind seems to be a crucial part of ourselves - however it might not seem obvious first that our mind is something what is not necessary for an effective, healthy, active living.

So let me refine what I mean as 'mind' here - the thoughts, feelings, emotions, the reactions, the energies, the associations, the moods, the fears, desires - those are abilities what we learned by parents, school, media but in fact we have became so ingrained with these within our daily living, we do not see the mind as separation, we ARE our mind, we are what we participate within, even we are what we accept and allow within our reality.

Probably I could fill a book with sharing points about weed, how it seems to be supportive for many and when they want to expand, grow, move, live beyond who they are currently with weed-smoking - they can realize the fact that weed makes one limited for the long term. More precisely: one stimulates self to time loop with the feeling effect of weed - and I have experienced such things, especially when after the first couple of weed-experiences I was able to explore aspects of my mind what I have never seen before.

There are quite some people out there who has became addicted to the feeling what they reproduce by regular smoking, just like with alcohol.

What must be realized is that stopping a addiction can not be forced to stop effectively by forces outside of self - because then oneself is conditioned to the external to stop and when that stops - one will feel the same as felt before smoking, just a bit more compounded.

It is possible to live in the(or out of) society being stoned most of the time - it seems like one will be less and less judged as these legalization come further(that is an other topic of why leaders allow such things, consistently: if all is stoned, they will not march on street for human rights, for the fact that we we are destroying nature, animals, water supplies - they will stick to stand up to the feelings they defined as happiness and freedom, and also the taxation is very tempting of something what is being sold on massive scale).

It is a nice trap to think that 'I am chilling, I just smoke, feel good, listen to reggae all day - I am not harming anyone, I love all, peace bro!" - but meanwhile the capitalist sharks who are absolutely lost their sense of 'real life on earth' see this as an acceptance of what they do so will continue deliberately becoming more and more obsessed with revenue, business expansion and market domination, exploiting 'opportunities', 'loopholes', 'bugs' in the system without integrity, without dignity).

Especially with an other fact that it is illegal in many countries - so mostly smokers do not really stand up, stand out as they might get caught for being criminal by smoking.

I remember when I was in my phase of ERASERHEAD lifestyle - I did not like to share myself, I wanted to remain in the background, to be seen as gray as possible, "What if they find out at workplace?" What if at job interview it becomes obvious - who will hire a stonehead? I will be disregarded in the system and that means serious trouble. In fact I was able to learn how to continue most of my previous activities even being stoned - but I was not directive, I was not fully present, I was not able to expand effectively as most of my care was about:

-Being able to get the stuff
-Smoking it - and it was the first - until that was not ensured - I was obsessed with to be able to do all the time.

In the beginning I smoked quite occasionally and even one inhale caused me to fly away totally, like laughing for dozens of minutes or staring screensavers and Winamp visualizations like dimensional gatweays and especially listening to music.

My conscious mind was always convinced about I smoke for enhancing listening and playing music and the mind expansion, the great feelings, the calmness, the peace, the wise and smart thoughts, while beyond my awareness there are always hidden dynamics of what are the real reasons I smoke what one does not realize being busy with stimulating self with the cool feelings until something radical does not come into one's life.

For instance not being able effectively participate within specific activities(such as being well organized, be always here in and as the physical or being able to not think, REMEMBER things, earn trust, make business etc) .

A typical reaction is that there are people who are able to do these things as well while being stoned - many are able to drive car very effectively while being stoned - that is an ability what can be learned for sure - imagine if an airplane pilot would spiffing some huge joints while greeting the boarders how would cause some safety questions or those who work in a nuclear plant/missile silo but these are rare and extreme things, can not be used for reasoning, but I wanted to point it out that here as well.

That is the great thing about physical reality, where our bodies 'live', where actions and consequences happen: after events become facts - can be measured so then it is obvious.

I am also aware of that stoners do not become aggressive MOSTLY like drunkens, but actually there are studies how slaves (even child war slaves, meaning foot soldier-gunmen) are conditioned to weed, just like the stories of assassins were using hashish while killing. Just an other point to consider.

Being lucky that it is not me who to judge("Do not judge for not to be judged") those but these are also part of our reality, just like the meme of people jumping out from window with LSD/acid what I always found ridiculous to generalize from one or two occasions, blaming the person and protecting that it was not the drug itself until I have not faced it factually one of my mates unlocking this weird achievement who could be judged as 'experienced acidhead' and still he lost his touch of reality - maybe only for a moment but it led to serious consequences(he is alright, one lucky SOB).

I do not say it should be absolutely banned, removed, punished - as at very specific circumstances drugs can support for see our mind-fuckup(as many other things as well, especially things what intensify certain experiences) - for instance occasionally taking it and seeing how screwed we are in our mind, but that requires quite 'amount' of Self-honesty to not go to the good feeling but actually see our mind how moves and realizing that it is not who we really are but what is being stimulated to reflect back our self-acceptances.

It is absolutely unnecessary to face and realize what is really real to use weed but if one uses it for instance more than once a month then it can be questioned....

Also on medical treatment(which is the CBD part of the plant, not the THC), I do not deny it's benefits, I even experiment with it as I have previously faced some sort of cancer, however here I only focus to the addiction and practical ways to stop it.

Most people who smoke regularly can speak up sharply that they are not addicted of course, they can stop any time and also having dozens of well-prepared excuses and justifications of why they smoke every day as I also had.

It is about the ability to realize the self-deception when we are not supporting ourselves with the stuff, rather than using it to stimulate ourselves to not face ALL ASPECTS of our direct reality, life.

I know this very well, I have been using it to suppress emotional shitstorms for a long while, also when anxieties, tiredness, low energy-feelings or simply enhancing perception to be able to focus to things, to generalize it as a multipurpose extra CHI/KI/energy.

I focus today to the point of when one is able to realize that by smoking weed regularly one is NOT supporting oneself anymore with it and wants to stop it and facing difficulties or finding impossible to let it go.

There are many people, personally I have been talking with quite some guys who was not able to stop(some did, some did not).

Of course there are people who simply can say "not anymore" and then they stop it - also there are some who face 'negative' experiences with it and therefore not wanting to do it anymore and still not stopping as they feel more shitty with themselves without it.

What is also important to realize that the user becomes totally one with the habit, meaning regular smoking becomes self physically, so it seems natural, automatic, reasonable.

Especially those who have never considered the fact that THOUGHTS are not directly ourselves but the inner reflection of our acceptances, so listening and doing exactly as our thoughts suggest, direct is the total possession of consciousness by being able to absolutely disregard physical facts here as thoughts are being automatically triggered by external(or internal) stimulation and if the person is not being absolutely physically present, meaning slowed down, stopped within the mind to see what are coming up, when those come up and in fact why they come up. That is essential to learn to be able to see - how thoughts seem for making us more intelligent and smart but if we investigate thoughts with common sense it can become clear that in the moment of following, reacting to a thought we are not here, we are not aware of what is here, we are in our virtual reality, thinking while walking and not seeing when bumping to someone for instance.

I have learned martial arts for a while and there is no time for thinking - when two good fighters are attacking me - I have no time to think and wonder - in a quantum moment I have to act if I want to prevent destruction - this can be understood - so being a fighter also involves being able to stop the thoughts. That can also be done by teaching the body to respond as the body is always here - it can act automatically if programmed so - like someone swings a stick to my face I lean away without thinking if I am not busy thinking. When I was learning some Aikido while being stoned with acid+pot and I was able to explore how I had some 'latency' in my mind and I got the kick in my gut even before I noticed the kick. Well it was funny and I realized for being present - drugs do not really support - or sometimes yes, sometimes not in an unpredictable way, but for most of the relevant things in this reality - happens in physical. No thinking is required. Actually if we think while doing something - we do not experience it as fully, whole - who wants to go into 'thinkabout' while having sex with our desired partner?

Also with music, car driving - it is not requires thinking, it can and should be programmed to handle effectively by and as the human physical body as ourselves.

Same with all our life aspects - even when feeling somehow to want to feel an other way automatically, for instance when being anxious and fearful, one automatically wants to do things what already assisted oneself to stop the anxiety, fear as the body has real experience in it.

As with alcohol - to reduce inhibition people drink and become very social, do fun, become horny, dance groovy easier etc - and when they face that point they want to drink automatically, no thinking is required anymore to persuade oneself for why to drink. Same with all mind-altering substances. Who we are is what we actually do.

Especially with the physical experiences - those are direct, sometimes brutal experiences what one immediately want to change if it is not pleasant.

There was a time when I came back from work, tired, energetically charged, vibrating, frustrated from the busy mass transit's experiences, from some abuse I have faced and felt not cool about and could not handle or prevent (or just not wanted to) - so then arriving at home I smoked immediately - and then in a moment I felt myself calm, quiet, energetic. That can become a habit quite easily and by each time one does so - is in fact conditioning one(physical)self to do the same way as previously seemed to work to 'solve' and not realizing that this is NOT the solution but only handling the effect of the problem meanwhile I did not see/realize/understand how I allowed myself to go into reactionary, energetic, thinking, feeling patterns automatically to accumulate frustration, being exhausted etc and that to solve I might have to consider changing my life entirely for instance changing myself, whatever it takes: leaving the city, doing another job, getting less salary, learning another profession or simply dealing with my starting point, my automatic reactions what cause the frustration and finding practical ways to stop.

It is globally accepted to want immediate solutions, the big pharma also suggests that - "just pay and take and go on enjoying whatever you do."

The point is that our society, family, school always teaches us to feel good, implanting the idea of having the right to feel good while all the things what are being judged as 'negative' are being disregarded, suppressed, while what we perceive as 'negative' are simply FACTS here what we react to automatically as taking away our self-accepted ways to generate good feelings so then appearing as negative.

All those beautiful spiritual 'artworks' promoting love, consciousness, feeling happy, beauty are for us to stimulate ourselves to constantly give into the energetic temptation of feeling positive, which seem like a goal to maintain otherwise we fear we become what we experience as negative. Because we as human has accepted 'experience' itself to define who we are. Especially with the global agendas of sheep-ling with religions and spirituality wherein experience is the priority.

Capitalism is the physical realm of religion and spiritualism where one can buy products/experiences which seem positive to balance out or suppress the experience of negative while all the way down both are our own mind's creation: facts are facts - a tree is simply a tree - there is no such thing as 'nice tree' or 'ugly tree' - that is our interest to judge and manipulate our experiences to apparently live a self-defined 'happy' life.

What is also not understood that experience does not last - it is a result of stimulation - while to change physical facts sometimes are much more difficult - we do not just have to feel different energy but in the physical realms things must be done - what requires consideration, planning, skills, effort, work, patience and that might also open up many areas to oneself to experience things meanwhile - and if there is negative feeling, resistance reaction meanwhile - one can judge the whole action as 'bad', 'not worthy', 'too difficult', 'needing a shortcut' - while it is always self who reacts with positive or negative in and as the mind.

So our tendency to become weed addict is not from weed itself but our cultural heritage of who we humans has been allowed ourselves to become as 2 feet walking mind consciousness systems in and as human physical body.

There are so much aspects to explore the WHY-s and the HOW-s - the best way to learn is to invest some coins into EQAFE audio interviews(there are many-many for free) where various aspects of our reality is being explained in specificity and also to participate within Desteni I Process online Self-supporting course to learn how we are existing already in terms of how our mind works, how our body and energy works and who we really are in flesh and meanwhile who we perceive ourselves to be in and as the mind through believing ourselves to be our experiences of thoughts, feelings emotions, reactions, worries, desires.

So for me personally, the tendency to become addicted to things what stimulate me to feel good and giving permission to automatize such reactions-actions-reactions-actions time loops was catalyzed with drugs.

I might say there are cool experiences what did really support me while I was high - but these moments are also here while I do not smoke so in the long run I can simply state out - facts, experiences what really support me are regardless of dope. Especially as I again state out - any kind of unity/bliss/freedom/universal love experience I have - it is only an experience I stimulate myself into in my mind which is of condition, has a beginning and an end and it always has a specific price what might not be obvious until the consequences we face, in flesh.

Of course there is the area to explore what really means 'supporting me', especially beyond being stimulated myself to feel good, beyond myself, beyond my interest, in fact all life's interest.

So my motivation to stop was to realize I am stuck with experiences, I am not expanding and there are certain ways to go to, learn, explore what requires consistency, sober head, such as changing myself to study reality, systems to be able to participate, for instance business and leadership.

Especially after I am reckoning the fact that it is literally 'recreational' - re-creating the same experiences - for instance stimulating myself to have cool thoughts, smart ideas - it is just one dimension: thinking - well no one should be that ridiculously insane to 'think' that thinking is multidimensional - that's the point of it - one thinks it - it's like with thinking trying to get out of the box and not realizing the box is thinking itself, in fact myself.

Sure I want to enjoy my life, have some fun but overall if I see my lifetime on earth, I'd rather do something to change it to a better place, to stand up for those who can not stand up for themselves, otherwise what for I have these gifts, abilities, smart brain, nice smile if most of the people around me do not enjoy their life. Where I came from - there is suffering and abuse and as I have walked many parts of this Earth - there are much-much more abuse and suffering and I can not keep up stimulating myself with that many 'good feelings' to be completely occupied myself to not realize from time to time that I could practically support the changing the human system - and it starts with changing myself, living an example and being here to support. I have already given so much support and it is natural to give it back and to live the words of Jesus such as "Give as you would like to receive" is not religious, it is practical common sense.

So if weed smoking or anything else in my life stops me from expanding, changing, finding the most practical ways to understand reality to be able to change it - I commit myself to stop myself doing so - even if it is a process, as it was to became who I am today - I have found that with Desteni principles/courses/tools/study material/group I can really understand everything and be able to change, so that's worth for sharing.

This is just one aspect I wanted to share, there will be more to come, thank you very much!

If anyone has questions, require assistance, support for addiction, I am not 'professional' but what I have already realized and walked through practically I can support with, and also there is the desteni group, forums what has many-many people who already walked through such addiction or currently walking through or being assisted and walking it with others and one can realize that this is not a specific, personal, unique, special thing what one has but there are types and many people had similar experiences.

Also there is the Desteni forum where anyone can join and ask for support who requires.

• http://forum.desteni.org

[JTL 54] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 2

This is a Desteni research series within the 7 Years of Journey to Life on the two words: drugs and paranoia - I've started with some definitions and now continuing on my personal experiences regarding to the topic and give some insights of how to stop if one experience paranoia by understanding how it's created.
I am aware of that there are thousands of people who still glorify these stuffs and not 'feeling' paranoid - however as I've came to the conclusion that once one is focusing to thoughts, feelings, emotions - it is already indicating paranoia and this might accumulate in the future - especially when the mind is twisted with some psychoactive stuff - so the key here is Self-honesty to realize what is really real - and be able to question everything, even the drug experience by common sense and be able to cross-reference each experience because one thing is sure: experience will not last - the physical is!
And also there is an other point to consider that one can 'feel' responsible for feeling good or even stimulating others to feel good - as still of and as 'experience' - but meanwhile looking at the physically manifested human system - and all the abuse what takes on daily - the real thing is not the 'experience'-'ride' - but how to practically change the system without separation and without judgment remaining undefined, breathing, living, real beings without the para-noise of the mind. So.

Continuing from
How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 1

How the mind altering substance can enhance paranoia?
It simply enhances the mind. And the mind is in fact the consequence and the very manifestation of paranoia itself. How?

What really thoughts are? How thoughts are showing us equally that we are not really able to direct ourselves as who we want, but as Gurdjieff stated out: 'as it happens' ?

Creation's Journey to Life: Day 397: Paranoia and Stopping the Mind:

"Now – the Mind is the Product of your Environment and the Events that took place in your life, and the Events that you Learned from. This in turn is Determined by the type of Preprogramming you have and the Accumulation of your Beingness throughout Time. So if you have a Propensity for Manipulation for instance then during your Early Years you will have an ‘Attraction’ to people that Manipulate because You Want to Learn How to Manipulate and therefore You will Be Manipulated; or if you have a propensity for Abuse because you get an Energetic Charge from Abusing others = you will be Placing yourself in the Environment of Abuse so that you can Become the Abuser. Now in that, the early years you are the one that Actually Decides because your Parents and your Environment simply Don’t Understand how Anything Functions so, All they’re going to do is Drive Fear into You. So all of this Develops as a Mechanism through which You are Going to ‘Harvest Energy’ for yourself. Now the Interesting thing is that You’re Not Getting the Energy from Another person, you Develop the Mechanism Within Yourself to Produce the Energy. What the Person in your Environment does is simply ‘Trigger the Program You Have.’

So, if you for instance have a Program due to Trauma where You Have Immense Fear for a Person, you will Create in the Mind – and the Mind will virtually do it by Itself because You’re Not really Aware that you are doing it – You will Create a Mechanism through which you would Detect according to your Environment, the Possibility of People in your Environment that May Cause such Trauma again, and you will end up Seeing the person that Caused the Trauma Everywhere. Now obviously the Person Doesn’t Exist, the Person Only Exists in the Mechanism that You’ve Created through which you are Attempting to Protect Yourself from such Trauma and therefore Any Person that in Any Way will Show Any form of the Patterns which are Part of your Protection mechanism in the Mind will Immediately bring up Paranoia and you’ll immediately ‘Not Like the Person,’ you’ll Immediately want to be Out of their Environment as Much as Possible, Not Communicate with them/ Stay Away from them because all they’re going to do is – according to Your Mechanism – they’re going to Abuse you and therefore you will Move Yourself out of that Environment to Protect yourself."

I walk for a moment a scenario why one would want to take drugs - this one is myself - how I've open myself up to drugs and how I've walked an evolution within my mind towards the most surrealistic ideas - what were then proven to be unreal - it was just a paranoia from what is here as reality as physical.

I've defined myself as some sort of phenomenon what I do not have direct power on - always because of external reasons - because of my family, because of having no money, because of I am ugly, because I can not really talk properly with girls, because of the government and because of faith, karma, destiny.

I was conscious about myself and my reality - but somehow I had this idea that within my current, normal life I can not see trough the things, because my point of view is not 'clear', 'strong', 'high' enough - therefore I had to 'clean', 'power up', 'heighten' my perspective, point of view.

That my current life is so occupied, and boxed, infused and in fact automated to the degree that I am unable to give the simplest answers to myself for the most basic existential questions:

• why am I here?
• what am I doing?
• why am I doing what I am doing?
• why there is suffering, how to stop it?

I had this idea that I have the normal, ordinary life - and then there is a point when I make the journey beyond the veil, beyond my comprehension, to reach out to a kind of state wherein I can make everything sense and figure out what is really happening.

I've always noticed that I am overwhelmed, pulled into experiences what I've never questioned within myself - as what comes up - basically anything comes up - must be directly me - yes - I was literally taking granted everything I've experienced within as there was this simple rule:

'anything happens within me - is directly me, any experience I have is directly me, any thought, feeling, emotion I have - it is myself, what is the normal way of being myself'

I've grown up just like that - accepting every single inner reaction as taking granted that this is who I am - whatever comes up within - is me - and it is my awareness, and meaning that by these I am experiencing my 'level of' awareness and when I am unable to change this inner experiences, for instance when at university I experienced this self-claimed energetic state called love and the girl did not and rejected me - I've hit my head into the wall literally - as this was coming up from me - so then it is me - but then so much sufferings(as I've defined: limitation and conflict within) I experienced so then after a while I've started to watch and notice that in fact I am responsible for the outer circumstances within I put myself into - and by that I've had these inner reactions - so then that was an other level within the process of realization.

That if I change who I meet with, and change that I do not drink that much alcohol and if I do not go into thinking about that girl - by simply occupying and giving another purposes, directions to me - then my inner 'accepted' suffering was reduced.

Still then - I was not directing myself - but I was able to notice that by taking mind-altering substance - I am altering my personality - I am re-wiring my mind - finding new connections and letting go others.

Meaning that the value system within - by I've defined myself and my reality - and what is important and what I want and what I do not want - it was all already manifested within - but I was unable to see through, I never even considered to stop and find out, and follow back any of my thought, feeling or emotion - how and why I am experiencing - the identification with my mind was absolute and unquestionable.

However what I was unable to grasp is peace and freedom - that drove me crazy because I was never satisfied - not with my life, not with my wired-in reactions to the outer circumstances wherein I was located.

I had this need and drive for experiencing more than what I experienced as 'here' - and that 'here-ness' - was not really my physical location - I never dared to really see what I am doing in my life - I did not even needed to - it was obvious because everything was in front of me automatically - I had the thoughts, feelings, emotions coming and going and in the experience of these I always had some explanation. Unfortunately - or fortunately I was not satisfied with my reality - because what I experienced was not stable, was not what I've created myself to desire for - even without realizing and being aware of how exactly I've created myself so.

However with alcohol I already realized that it is literally destroying the body and the only 'awareness' came out of it was that I was not inhibited anymore and some physical euphoria - but otherwise I was still doing things basically more 'automatically' what I was not satisfied with.

So I was unaware of it but when I was offered by marijuana - I was ready to smoke, hell yeah.

I've already had so much impressions from media and school - that there are people who can make difference, and there are people who in fact do change. I wanted to change, but I could not by myself - I was not even sure that what I want to change - I wanted to experience more, that was it, what I experienced was not enough.

For instance the simplest, quite broadly known story is:
Starwars - the poor farmer boy discovers the greatest force within himself with what he can win battles by simply relying on his divination and he can change the whole galaxy's future.

Seeing others being busy while fighting in the system around me(came from poor family) - I was pre-programmed to break that line with any means necessary.

So when I asked why people smoke weed, and what does it like feel - they did not say a word - but suggested me to have an experience and see it for myself.

And then when I've smoked - I've said: I feel myself strange - and the answer was literally this:

'That's why man smokes - to feel strange'.

To feel different, to experience something new, something strange was simply predetermined for me - I could not look back where I came from - my family did not seem being able to take direction and do what they really want - and after a while I could not rely on them - nor emotionally, financially or even ideologically - that is already quite a drive for the ones escaping from lower/middle-class family-realities.

Because the media is constantly bombarding everyone within the 'public domain' about how we can become special, super nice, absolutely awesome and get everything what we want - and in fact not really - or if so - it is not constant, stable - but only for a while what for we are able to pay.

So within looking for experiences beyond my 'normal' life - I've found drugs - and with drugs I've felt different, I've felt strange, I've felt high.

That was not really aware - I was just did what friends suggested so and then I had the first paranoia.

We smoked from a bong made from plastic bottle and after some inhalations I've noticed that the curtain was strangely moving at the edge of my vision - but when I've focused to it - it stopped. That was weird.
After a while when I went out - I heard the others speaking and I did not understand what they said but I was somehow sure that they speak about me - and then they laughed - I was really freaky within but did not express it - because I wanted to be sure that this is the case: they laugh at me because of how weirdo I am while smoked the first time. Well, then I could not catch them - so I came back and then they played with a microphone - it was some sort of effect on it as they spoke - it was pitch shifted/reverberated/echoed - and sounded quite strange and then they spoke many stuff into the mic and then they pointed at me and I just could not speak.
I wanted but I could not - it was almost literally the feeling when in the movie Matrix Neo could not speak when asked a lawyer from the agents when they cached him.

That was really scary and I can see I was really paranoid - because I was so high - and I just could not reach the ability within how to speak!

I was scared shirtless for some time and then I was eating some yellow pepper and then it was better but then we went through a 4-lane road to a Chinese - I was absolutely SURE about that when we step out - the military commando will catch us because of using illegal drug - I name myself now as quite brave because if I looked into my mind - it was sure thing - I could bet on that with any price - but went with them anyway and nothing happened.

I was really paranoid, I can say now - but how and why this happened? Investigation is required within.

Alright, this looks quite clear; now, how it is related to paranoia:

PROBLEM

How and why I turned to drugs:

• valuing experience more than physical reality(feeling good for a while is easier than changing my life)
• not understanding the mind, thoughts, feelings, emotions(especially how to stop when overwhelming, nobody taught that really)
• not knowing why we are here, who we really are, what would be the best to do(everybody says different truth, basically doing 'love' and 'self-interest' bubble)
• facing extreme limitation within the system meanwhile looking around and EVERYONE is doing the same while pretending to have some real meaning (wanting but not having money and feeling special as not wanting to be like others I see around me)

    What caused my initial paranoia when smoking the first time:

• not understanding what it is really doing(suppressing emotions, re-and re-creating a feeling and being able to don't give a shit about problems)
• not understanding the dynamics of my thoughts(that what I think is not what is real - however I've been talked to beliefs by my thoughts)
• allowing stories and remembrance of movie-scenes to use as knowledge/reference(defining as cool and desirable like within Matrix movie)
• fear from being punished doing something what is illegal - for the first time(also from movies being caught of rebelling the system for the first time)
• seeing things what seems to be not real, like the curtains move(psychedelic experiences are of the liquified mind however that seems crazy)
• feeling and defining as really weird because not being able to talk(fear from being judged as awkward and also feeling like in the specific movie mentioned before)
• the perception that others laugh at me because I suck(self-judgment emphasized so much by boosting my mind with the stuff)
• fearing to acknowledge exactly who and how I currently am and trying to prove the opposite what I perceive, if required even manipulate myself to prove apparently positive things about myself to have self-worth because of paranoia of not being good, worthy, nice, smart etc

SOLUTION

Understanding the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2 as everything works within this reality by accumulation.

Accumulating thoughts, imprinted and impulsed by the same external influences all the time causing the same inner reactions will result within internal energetic compounding based on the nature and the subject of the specific thoughts, feelings, emotions - but the source, the starting point is the same within all: which is fear.

Fear from the specifically judged as bad experience will remain,
fear from the certainly judged as good experience will not remain

For instance when not knowing the effect of the drug when trying it at the first time: it might boost the certain, already imprinted, repeated and manifested patterns.
And drugs are plus energy within the equated, balanced and fractionated mind - the status quo of the fuzzy logic system will be blown away when something is drastically changed.
Some of the inner reactions might become more suppressed, some inner reactions what were suppressed might come to surface. There is a saying about drugs, especially about the so called 'psychoactive' drugs:

The drug can bring out only something what was already within you.

But the point is that if one is not aware of what is really within and as self, when Self-intimacy was never expressed, discovered, stabilized - then all of a sudden from under the carpet one can observe and experience some quite weird and strange stuff - and to react that - with unrealistic ease - might just be really paranoia.

I've seen people became really scary and childish after doing drugs, I've tons of experience of this - grownups, adults - becoming scared shitless and only being able to freaked out and run away - lolol and when I was not really scared meanwhile - I might even seem to be scary as well - but within a stable, calm approach they can re-experience some stability by what the paranoia can cool off to a degree that at least they do not freak out from simply being here as who they are within this reality.
And it is still not really a problem when one can have a taste from the real insanity about the real taste of our realms of mind - to see that what degree we have accepted and allowed to create who we are within our mind in relation to unconscious/subconscious/

conscious mind as inferior simply by defining these experiences as desirable/avoidable and building up personalities according to trying to surf between these by some clues what we've realized throughout our so called 'life'-experiences and in fact justifying our existence as who we accept ourselves to be and behave that we have the absolute right and reason to be just like that and never ever question that we might fundamentally went wrong to create our image and likeness by thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So as solution - it is to realize that we can not really trust within experience only - we can not trust within the experience of thoughts, feelings and emotions because those are context-based, because those are of self-interest based on a self what is simply a result of external influences mixed up by internal processing based on fear and desire to stop experiencing fear.

And to practically understand to what degree we screw up if we are not clear when taking drugs - even just acknowledging that we have no idea how we ended up like who we are here searching for clues to get to ourselves.

And the common sense is to write all out - to put all thoughts, memories, feelings, images, emotions, desires, fears into words and record it, to stabilize the words in front of ourselves to at least for a moment to be able to see what we contain and react to reality, ourselves - and develop actual, real self-intimacy and explore practical self-honesty and really being able to forgive ourselves for what we allowed and accepted to be.

Because within writing - the experience is stabilized by words - as how thoughts work: as words - what to we react - to words - how we communicate with each other mostly - by words - it is the relationship between words what create our inner reality what do not exactly reflect back the physical reality - and to compare the two - and to be able to let go what is not real, not here - it is a process.

And to take drugs one thinks, desires for a quick solution, a shortcut, a fast resolution from what is already manifested but it is not really a solution - a drug experience might give a glimpse for what is really going on but it is still within and as the mind - as the drug can only enhance the mind - so if the mind is not working - the drug has no effect - it is quite supporting to realize this, once one realizes it's truth - that if a drug has effect - then it is the mind - so then that should be understood and stopped.

And the solution is also mostly to slow down within - because we can think quite fast - but we do not understand it - however some thought pattern goes really fast and we jump to the same conclusions already without even realizing it - and with the drugs it might happen that one can slow down within and see this - but it also might happen that the thinking process is fastened - and then it is like lighting - and by that - one is mesmerized with the feeling of judging oneself that 'oh shit, how fast I am, I am light-fast' - and that is mind - and that is not real - but to realize it - and to stop it - takes guts and self-honesty but once the starting point is clarified, then the process of stopping can start.

Matti Freeman shared this simple method:
Where is my breath?
Here is my breath.
Where am I.
Here am I.

REWARD

Once one can realize that can not trust in the mind - regardless of tons of experiences, memories, knowledge and information - it is more simple - I stop as Self - and everything what still moves, moves me within - it is my mind what is the fractionated particle system of myself within I've lost as bouncing and friction through the delusion of polarities of the duality-based time and space of our mind. Embrace all of this as self as breath - then the unification is here - just have to realize and manifest it as the I as Self without the mind within constant presence - and whatever stops this consistency within - investigation, understanding, forgiveness and practical stopping is required.

The reward to realize that we can not use the mind for stopping the mind sounds also tricky for the first time - but to use drugs of mind to stop the mind is also ridiculous.
It's like stopping the war within with weapons of mass destruction.

Within so called 'psychedelic subculture' there are some pretty cool points what have been profoundly misunderstood however once one can realize that the solution is to stop the mind - that is the paranoia - and by drug - one's paranoia is either suppressed or strengthened - but if we dare to be self-honest - we can see exactly why in the first place we take the drug and what is the reason for not standing up within ourselves to deal with thoughts, feelings and emotions, what are really the sign of paranoia.

For instance that if you have shitty setting within - you do not take acid because you face shitstorm as the stuff just compounds the inner hell - but what if you had hell when you were child and even you forgot it, dig deep down under a pile of other memories to just not deal with it and with the stuff you open it up and hell will come anyway?

To establish what is real is simple by considering what is physically here - and with effected mind by drugs it might not be that simple  - but once one can realize it - the power of experience what never lasts as it has a beginning and has an end by condition of consciousness will not be that demanding to influence/direct oneself.

But to realize it is one thing - and to live it as self undefined, unconditionally, meaning: to walk through each stimulating condition within first, and to see how exactly is being created and simply stopping participating within one by one, breath by breath is the only process of self-realization.

[JTL 16] Self-responsibility: weed, relationship, energy part 1

Journey to life blog - walking myself into consistency and stability step by step.

This is the continuation of Taking Self-responsibility:

    [JTL] Day 10 - Re-defining Responsibility part 1

From my current Agreement Course Lesson Assignment, I've written this part trough and this should be shared:
http://talamon.blogspot.com/2013/02/jtl-day-11-coming-down-to-earth-from.html
I've stopped alcohol and drugs at least about 5 years ago - as within Self-honesty: it's obviously fucking me in the head and the body and it's in the way of Self-Unification as Life to Really Change the System as Myself as Equal as One within the interest of What is Best for All.

And as I've said with ACID, it is not the weed what has problem or GOOD or BAD - it is my starting point according to weed - and from the perspective of Self-honesty, it does not really matter that the topic is substances, desire or fear - all the same - I've smoked weed for a while and I do not judge that, I do not even fuck myself with the energetic hammering of 'NEVER' - but if I smoke it, it's obvious that I accept myself as self-limitation. So I've simply do not participate.

If my decision is real, then it is not really of circumstances - because then when those change, I face the fact that my decision was not real but of consequence.

Consciousness is really a programmable consequence machine and who tries to originate self from that concept - is lost beyond any measure - here in this blog I walk the re-alignment as LIFE so today let's walk the Physical process of changing starting point from energetic consciousness systematic reactions to actual Birthing as the Living Word as the Breath of Life.

So when I've started to transform my already existing relationship with my partner towards an equal and one Agreement - at points I've accepted and allowed reactions to compound me and I could not handle and I was afraid of failing the agreement and that was quite a reason why I've started to 'bridge' moments when I could not remain within our walk with my partner but then I've re-created a habit of smoking and not really dealing with the starting point with common sense within the consideration of all participants.

So @ times the weed I've smoked, this was an accepted self-definition since quite some time; always with an apparently brilliant excuse and justification - and I am walking trough this within the Desteni I Process : Agreement course and it is assisting and supporting me beyond any measure - but in reality - I must be the DECISION to physically CHANGE and that starts with self-study and self-investigation within Self-honesty.



And by writing Self-forgiveness, I am becoming aware what I actually accept and allow - and taking responsibility, taking directive power as Life, not as self-programmed, self-contained, self-deluded, programmable self-happiness-generator-energy-machine but as considering ALL what is here undefined within common sense. So I stick to the simplest practical solution - walking trough words what I automatically react to within Self-honesty.

What was a tremendous support is this Life Review Interview: The Weed Smoker.

So let's face some self-accepted consequence:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take drugs when something or everything is too much and instead of investigating with common sense, I want to break through or suppress down or walk away or get high with things what I've defined as getting me high for instance chocolate, coffee, weed or any sugar or eating or arousal or woman can make me energize and activate specific personalities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to depend energy outside of me because then still I am not fully responsible for what I act and how I act but I am being directed and influenced according to circumstances beyond my direction therefore there is always a point where I can project responsibility and not me here being fully self-responsible within allowing myself to transcend drugs once and for all and enjoying being here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself here facing me without taking the drug and not wanting to realize that I must change and resonantly fearing from change from losing who I've defined myself to be and that I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself with defining specific expressions of me only I can access when I take specific drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realizing that any reason and justification appears within my head is not real, is of my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create conflict within me regarding to smoking or not smoking and fearing live my decision regardless of any justification.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define smoking weed is acceptable if I am self-honest and wanting to bridge out the shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use weed and say it is for painkiller's substitution, because it is a great painkiller.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lie to myself in terms of why I smoke weed when I smoke weed because then I would realize that I suppress, that's why I smoke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I feel tired and wanting to smoke and then when smoking, feeling not tired anymore: is energy what I've defined myself to be therefore I am dependent on it, I am not the directive principle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that with smoking actually I can make better music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use making and playing music as a justification for why I smoke weed and not being self-honest with myself in terms of the energetic addiction regarding to weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from losing the people around me if I would say I do not smoke again so by the stuff I glue myself socially that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do require to do things for people to accept me instead of myself accepting myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use that as a justification for not taking it ever more: because I was able to stop it for 3 years, so anytime I can do it again, instead of living this knowledge in all moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a reason to smoke as meeting with ex-partner and experiencing conflict and become nervous and anxious about it what I want to suppress because apparently I could not 'resolve'.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that by smoking weed I mistify the relationship I have with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus to weed relationship instead of focusing to self-relationships with myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be self-honest in terms of daring to see the real reasons why I smoke weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must accumulate energy in order to decide something what seems to be difficult instead of questioning any self-definition starting with the word ‘difficulty’.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I’ve decided to smoke weed to feel strange and different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wanting to have a control in my life in terms of with what I can control myself and my relationship with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the want and desire towards my ex-partner who with we ended our relationship/agreement-walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to acknowledge that I feel failed within my last attempt to manifest an agreement with the partner I wanted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the facts what with I am responsible for not manifesting an equal and one and supporting and nurturing agreement with ex-partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when it is too much with my partner or ex-partner or even future-partner – that when I experience shit, then believing that I cannot stop it but I must suppress it with substances instead of using common sense and the tools to walk through and communicate with my partner within the starting point of absolute-self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to use smoking weed to not face myself but triggering an energetic self-defined state wherein I perceive only part of myself what seems to be calm and peaceful and energetic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a self-defined relationship with myself what I’ve defined about who I am but in fact it is a self-defined relationship what I react to as defining as too intense and wanting to suppress to not be able to be aware of myself because then I would be frustrated and then I would change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a weed-effect aura within I am calm, whole and open and not realizing that within suppressing a part of me – in fact I am not open, in fact I am not calm and not even whole but within the effect of weed I am simply not aware of this so then I can perceive my goal as ‘peace’ meanwhile compounding suppressions what I am sure will exert.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I suppress more and express less because I do not even see that I do have to speak up and take responsibility because in the moment I am not even aware of the responsibility because in fact in these moments  I want to be defined by the words ‘I do not care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I’ve defined myself by the action of ‘I do not care’ because without this statement – I felt myself involved, intoxicated with reactions what did not feel comfortable, so wanted to stop but not directly as myself but with energies and energetic manipulation by adding extra energy into and as my mind system by drugs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose myself and perceiving my world as small and insignificant in the starting point of wanting to seem less responsible for who I am and what I experience and in fact what I actually do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide within me that I want to hide from others and from myself because what I’ve seen when I was looking at myself was not comfortable, but frustrating and I’ve defined myself as uncomfortable and frustrating and not realizing that in fact the act what I do and the thoughts what I’ve participate within generates the energetic experience of being uncomfortable and frustrated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be untouchable and shielded from myself and from my world what I’ve defined as too intense and I need something to put the edge of reality away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by smoking weed I create a mystified experience of myself what within I am in fact not aware of myself therefore not needing to worry and therefore not needing to suppress therefore not needing to face exerting my anger and frustration towards myself about in fact I actually try not to change from where I experience myself uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest with myself in terms of realizing I’ve craved myself into actions what with I cannot realize the relationship with my mind and human physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from speaking up while being smoked because I might seem clever but in fact I know that anyone can speak anything without the actual Real Living Word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to take refugee within drugs with what I can experience calmness and peace and confidence and stability and not realizing that I will experience only this when I am being self-defined within the self-defined action of using the drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to realize that by smoking weed in fact I am hiding myself behind self-accepted relationships what are of hope and fear and still participating within the casino system by ‘maybe I will get this experience if I win’ and not realizing that by this I abdicate self-trust and compromise my self-honest walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel joyful when the weed hits me and experiencing myself inside slowing down.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I've defined joy based on and according to circumstances and relationships with other self-definitions and not realizing that I can only experience equality and oneness with the word 'joy' when using definitions separated from me to be able to define me within the relationship of joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something as 'great', 'joyful', 'good', 'useful' because when I use it, I have a feeling of good, because of suppressing the things what I bother myself with and by that relief defining joy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define feeling cool when experiencing slow, liquid-like energetic waves/movements within and as my human physical body while the drug hits my mind and experiencing these energies and not realizing that these are thought-system-manifestations moving within and as me and yet not being aware of these and how and why and by that 'suppressed awareness' defining it as cool because then apparently I can focus to other things and not always to 'my issues' what cause me think and react to thinking.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that within the word 'unconcerned' there is already a polarity within being concerned and being not concerned and by smoking defining me unconcerned in fact I just make myself FEEL not concerned and by self-definition concerned, I actually want to stop being defined by and as myself how I actually experience myself and wanting to do it with smoking instead of dealing with my issues directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to like how I experience listening music while being on drugs because then the perception is different and defining myself as this different perception is what I like - I define myself as the drug and not being able to be myself without the drug effecting my 'liking'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted to define sexually stimulated more when doing sex while being on any drug because then the apparent intensity is bigger and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intensity as good simply as that and not realizing that intensity is also a perception based on opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sexual-pleasure and seeking for sexual-pleasure and doing sexual-pleasure as much as I can without questioning myself simply because defining myself as 'this is who I am'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to becoming fed up with my reasons and justifications about why I smoke weed and then when I do it I see that within self-honesty I do not want to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I want to smoke weed because then I can forget myself and within forgetting myself I feel reliefed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about losing my music instruments because then I would have to restart to build my studio what is money and time what about I am extremely limited currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress playing and writing music within me when not smoking weed and after a while wanting to make music but not doing it by having reasons and justifications but in fact I simply not make music when I do not smoke because I've defined myself and my musical aspect with weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for apparently 'high' energetic experiences because then all the possibilities reduce and I become automatic and within that self-automation I focus to reacting to self-definition of 'intensity'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for great sex with a woman who is really open with me and I find her sexually attractive but only if she would really like me, what I do and who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use suppressed sexual desire and energy to fuel me as mind and defining this as myself and when not having sexual suppressions, desires, wants - I feel myself as 'low' instead of realizing that who I've defined myself to be as energy within my mind as 'high' and when 'low' wanting to enhance myself with energies to get back to 'high'-ness, what simply means regarding thoughts, feelings, emotions more than here physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from anything what is not 'intense enough' to be apparently real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as intensity regarding to circumstances and not as who I am as life, always here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing something what is too intense, because then I am becoming more automatic that I'd like.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from something being too intense and therefore my reactions as thoughts, feelings, emotions will be also intense and by that intensity, actually I diminish here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize/see/understand the importance to draw/write out all self-definitions/relationships/connections within and as me regarding to the word intensity.

So - some self-accepted abdication of Self-responsibility is here within constancy and consistency - let's prepare the physical change with Self-correction:

When and as I think of getting weed or even buying it – I realize – this is a timeloop – if I buy the stuff, I will smoke it, and if I buy it – in fact I made the decision to smoke more – and not realizing that if I really not want to smoke then I do not get it – and until I have tendency to get it or somehow just ‘have stuff’ – it is the same – I am living my decision to want to smoke because wanting to hide from myself – and each act I participate in this  – I abdicate self-responsibility.

When and as I feel like I need to smoke in order to any reason – I realize I have the reason and justification from my past what I want to change but until I do not change the relationship within me regarding to self-definitions about doing drugs, smoking weed, getting high – until I am the same – therefore I decide to suppress and then compound and then exert and then feeling ashamed and then becoming frustrated and then again facing the decision to suppress myself again.

When and as I suppress fear from changing – I realize – I have the tendency to smoke weed to bubble myself into a personality what is calm and relaxed and joyful what I’ve defined myself not to be therefore to chemically shift my perception about me – I use chemical substances – and until I participate – I am responsible for postponing my self-expression.

When and as I fear from relationship and acknowledging my responsibility within past relationships – I realize I have tendency to wanting to shift personality with smoking weed instead of slowing down and stopping participate within thoughts, feelings, emotions regarding to how shit I did and how I should not do and how I should do and then still when ‘letting this go’ – wanting just to be relaxed in the moment, in this moment and not wanting to take responsibility for the future as well.

When and as I desire after sex – I realize by smoking weed I only intensify this and then I will have intensified sexual desire – so by smoking I realize I compound more energy to suppress me.

When and as I start to become extremely aroused and losing presence and just wanting to ‘get off’ the energy I realize this energy I compounded and in fact created by being self-dishonest and that self-dishonesty is compounded and the arousal is here for hide myself with a bigger energy from an uncomfortable energetic experience caused by me moment by moment.

When and as I have thoughts about what is the reason to smoke weed – I realize – that reason is of consequence of energetic experience – therefore any reason is self-dishonesty.

When and as I fear from facing myself – I realize by weed I just mistify myself and not stopping even when it is obvious that the best is to stop myself from inside out within one decision with no energy, gently yet brutally just breathe and remain here and observe the mind but not participate.

When and as I experience  emotions and feelings – I realize – it is alright to not suppress these but coming here – what is important is to not follow and react to and wanting to act something regarding to that – rather remain here and breathe, and see how it comes from where ‘it’ wants to go and apply self-forgiveness.

When and as I desire after sex – I see that it is of mind as energy – and then I stop,  and if not – then I do not judge – but decide in one moment – and act accordingly.

When and as I fear from women and fear from facing women – ex or current or future partner – I realize I fear from facing myself what I have the tendency to suppress yet with partner it is coming to surface and not wanting to face and realize myself because then I would have to change and within changing facing the unknown what I’ve defined as fearful and avoidable therefore anytime experiencing change – fear will come and that is predictable, so when I experience fear within stopping, especially fear from unknown, I breathe, I stop, I let go and I realize until I smoke weed, I suppress myself and cannot deal with emotions therefore I stop smoking weed, stop getting weed, accepting weed, wanting to smoke weed, wanting to buy weed, wanting to be in the situation of have a valid reason to smoke weed.

I commit myself to not smoking weed because within smoking I am creating layers within and as me and these layers consist of and entails of my self-accepted self-dishonesty.

I commit myself to remain constantly aware that if I am here as Self-movement and not as reaction to Mind-movement - weed do not effect me.

I commit myself to see all relationships within and as me what wants me to smoke weed and not using the justification to ‘to walk through weed, I need to smoke weed to have the experience of self-dishonesty’ then to realize and by that to stop instead of simply stop by decision and not by manifested consequence.

I commit myself to just decide things without energy and within self-decision – I stand, I walk, I breathe, I act.

I commit myself to stop fearing from myself as relationship with woman and transform my starting point of fear from myself as unknown to self-enjoyment within self-honesty within and as stopping all systems within and as me as Life.

I commit myself to not judge weed because self-judgment is of polarity of positive and negative and remain aware of that either way I participate within defining it according to my self-interest it is the same, meanwhile weed is a plant what has a substance what alters the mind.

I commit myself to stop all relationship within and as me of and as mind consciousness system and birthing myself as Life as the Physical undefined, Self-disciplined, constant, stable, consistent and everything what makes me changing, unstable, inconsistent in terms of self-presence is not really me therefore I let go, unconditionally walk trough, remove completely, entirely.

Related articles:(just some ;)


http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/10/day-56-i-am-cool-because-i-smoke-weed.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-21-weed-and-social-circles.html

http://michaelwilliammcdonald.blogspot.com/2013/02/day-247-how-i-stopped-weed-addiction.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-26-weed-and-responsibilities.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-25-stoner-pothead-character.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-24-pipes-and-resin.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-22-weed-and-creativity.html

http://johnathanjourney.blogspot.com/2012/08/day-23-weed-and-creativity-cont.html

Also this is fascinating:

http://desteni.org/a/bruce-lee-marijuana-a-view-less-seen

I suggest to investigate all habits as Jesus said: Investigate all things and keep what is best for all.

I do not ask for asking is this really Jesus speaking - I suggest listen the words what is being spoken and apply for yourself and within Self-honest action one can only see.