Saturday, June 29, 2013

[JTL 65] How Drugs Promote Paranoia Research Part 3

This is a continuation of:

I am gathering points I've been faced as paranoia with drugs, first of all focusing on the most stimulating place: PARTY!

Back then I was not able to consider the fact that I can directly move myself - I was always busy with strategies, tactics, methodologies and stimulation what to I reacted and by that trying to 'get free'.
 Well, eventually I've became self-honest to the degree to acknowledge to myself that this is not the solution but meanwhile at least I've been faced so many fears and paranoia.

Since back then, in my old days - I've found very useful to expose myself and my ego with drugs at parties because:
  •  there is no private area, I can not pull back to be alone and control everything to my habits wherein I remain the same - I wanted to be changed indirectly
  • always faced with many-many people constantly - I did not have the time to think and go into my own bubble and alone wander around while twisted on substances
  •  very-very loud intense, mind-stimulating music - it pressured me and mind - at a certain degree it seemed like the music was so overwhelming, it washed away my thoughts
  • everybody is screwed - it is okay to be weird and not being judged - I did not need to pretend too much
  •  I can be all alone and in the next moment communicate with others - I can dance, I can sit and drink/eat/smoke or I can just watch people - so I can switch the setting immediately if I want or I can let things flow
 For these reasons I've chosen psychedelic trance and drum and bass parties for years to take high amount of psychedelic drugs in order to see how I react and what things I experience and realize in order to realize:
     "Who I am, what is going on here and what I am supposed to do(with my life)?"
However in the first years I have been exposed so many paranoia - there is a type of people who enjoy party but mostly not much - because it is quite intense and it is like a catalyst for the mind to reach certain states - and in the beginning I was not really a party boy - so that's why I've pushed myself towards it - it seemed more practical than sitting in a room and meditating quietly. However this brought up many-many fears and some were re- and reoccurring and those were already developed paranoia what the intensity of drug and the experiences just catalyzed.

So I make a list of the paranoia I've been exposed to while taken considerably high dosage of drugs at parties wherein I've introduced to realize some social paranoia within myself.


The basic problem is that mostly the drug user is unaware of the fact of 'I am here, I can direct myself, I can directly access, explore and express myself regardless of any stimulants', because once one starts to do so - judgments arise, others can reflect back what one judge furthermore and then one experiences reactions towards judgments and then one does not realize that experience does not last but the physical wherein one is breathing - so then one is focusing to the thoughts, judgments, paranoia and then by giving attention to these - they will remain and will be stronger and then one will experience oneself less and less directive, powerful and self-directive what then tries to balance out/overcome/explode/boost with drugs in order to experience differently

List of my paranoia at party while on drugs:
  • Paranoia from being busted by police/authorities - these things are PROHIBITED and in some countries such as where I live it is quite a punishment one can get and considering the fact that these drugs can have 4-10 hours of effects - one requires only think once about the consequences of being caught, taking to police station and being harassed by rude mustached per-judgmental policemen who are eager to give a fatherly lesson of how evenly BAD things I've done
  • Paranoia from being awkward, behaving strangely, someone who not supposed to notices that I am high
  • Paranoia from judged as not acceptable, outcast, weirdo, ugly, unattractive, crazy etc
  • Paranoia from doing something what is BAD for somebody else because I am not really myself being extremely twisted by hallucinations/delusions/realms/dimensions
  • Paranoia from harming myself in a way that I am not aware of for instance winter time not taking coat while being in the snow on acid - it does not seem relevant however it matters for the body
  • Paranoia from becoming too high, taking too much, what will be inconvenient/unpleasant/surreal/creepy
  • Paranoia from not becoming enough high, taking too less, the stuff is not strong enough
  • Paranoia from meeting someone who with my relationship is different, for instance a boss or parent of a friend, a girl to I wanted to be presentable as smart and not violently stoned for instance
  • Paranoia from losing my papers/phone/money while having wild party for instance trance dance on acid
  • Paranoia from someone approach me and wants to talk with me
  • Paranoia from the idea of no one wants to talk with me
  • Paranoia from losing myself in any way whatsoever
  • Paranoia from a girl wants to be with me and I can even barely talk
  • Paranoia from screwing my mind permanently and 'losing it'
  • Paranoia from being photographed while on drugs and being published on social media/websites

So for start this will do - these I've had back there and I had to face each while on stuff on music party.

Oh yes, paranoia from the music not being good enough was also topic sometimes because I concluded myself to be very picky about what kind of music I can 'fly' with and 'enjoy' and anything else was like 'normal/insignificant/boring/not psychedelic' meanwhile doing these drugs being at these handful of performers were like gate opener for the specific experiences I was after. However - jumping back to the specific paranoia - one can notice that most of these paranoia can be relevant for anybody at any time regardless of drugs - but being on drugs means that the mind is enhanced/boosted/altered/shifted/twisted - and if one has no direction within and as the mind to see and consider what is real while not using drugs - then while taking the drugs it is clear that with the drug one can not really know for sure that what one is experiencing is 'more' or 'less' real.

For instance I remember at a specific event I was on acid and from time to time I looked towards a direction and there was a person who always looked back at me at the same time and after 2-3 like that I thought that he is watching me and I had the questions automatically about: Why? Is something wrong with me or he wants something or what?
 And after all it did not really matter but in the beginning I was really unstable and things like that brought up my paranoia.

And there are certain things what are facts - like the one that police really can come into the scene at any time and start screwing up things by arresting criminals('drug abuse')- so with that I could not really do anything practical - I considered the risk and prepared for happening and if they come I will react anyways but for that I quickly evolved within my mind with the self-judgments of 'fear from it' versus 'it still worthy' and beyond that I will see, I trusted in 'greater forces'.
And it is fascinating to write about drug-related paranoia because except the ones what directly related to the drug itself - any other paranoia is already existing within one's mind but with the drug as the mind is enhanced - there is the chance that the paranoia as manifested relationship with self-definitions regarding to fear might be pronounced and overwhelmed as experience as self identification as well.

Another question is that how one is dealing with 'problems' as self-accepted personality system for instance one can be diverted for instance saying 'let us not speak about it and then it might not happen' or for instance I was the one who if had some drug I did hide it somehow somewhere if a bust would come then I would have time or choice to react with regards to avoid manifesting the subject of my paranoia such as busted for possession of illegal substance by not carrying it around or having it hidden in a secret stash in my shoes etc. But I was not really a druggy guy - some blotters with some mushroom head I was not really fearful - however probably the ones who are dealing with 'white dusts etc' are more likely...

After all - regardless of one is able to consider or not all existing fears within oneself - when taking the drug it is within one's mind beyond some layers anyway - and people seems to tend to just see where the 'ride takes' - it is not always easy to really having a great time meanwhile taking drugs at a party...especially when doing with so called 'hallucinogens' - that is like the very essence of the mind and paranoia itself to face...
 And I am sure that not much people are able to remain always here as breath - and constantly be aware of the play of the mind that it is not real - and anybody can say that 'I know, it is just the trip' - but all experience affects/effects us on a level what we are not aware of fully - therefore influences will come - and already 'containing' definitions/reactions might become stronger or less dominant - but the point I take is that here is NOT Self is the directive principle - at some moments maybe - but in overall - not really - therefore I do not suggest it - rather than one should learn to express self within writing and develop self-intimacy to explore within self-direction and slowly but surely develop self-confidence, self-will, self-honesty and self-commitment to explore/change/express within the full understanding to the utmost specificity of one's life.

Taking stimulating and mind-blowing/hallucinogen drug is different when one is drinking beers and shorts and wine - because some things are completely legal and even promoted by the government until one can keep up with the rules of not harming other or not drinking on street in a daycare etc. And alcohol seems to be some sort of stimulant but in fact a central nervous system depressant. Meaning after a while you might numb down literally to a degree of being quite insensible.

But for instance LSD is more likely stimulant - makes the mind really liquid/fly - and if one's mind contains paranoia - it might fly with it as well.

I've found particularly fascinating to try to predict who is 'eligible' for taking such drugs and who is not by trying to judge them how stable, self-reflective and able to open for those new kind of experiences.
 Overall I've known some mates who I judged as they should not take the stuff and refused them to assist and heard that they had some 'bad trip' and even there were quite some occasion when I've judged one as 'capable of handling it' meanwhile they did some extremely stupid thing therefore faced serious accident what I did not foresee.

Even the very definition of 'bad trip' is paranoia as one is so much focused on the mind that believes it literally and not realizing that programming the mind is responsibility what can be understood, changed, stopped for greater good but not much people really grasp the very possibility to direct and understand - and in fact deciding to be absolutely honest with self  -to a degree to even connect the dots that 'I am might be responsible for all what I experience'.

And after all - these are experiences and what I am reacting to these experiences what will determine which become real as consequence of my starting point.
Even to define an experience as 'bad trip' is consequence of already accepted judgments of 'what is good and what is trip' and then 'what is bad' for instance when a thought comes and I stuck with it's silence shout within - and I react to it and I overwhelm by the echos of my mind and it grows and becomes the entire experience for instance a particular paranoia takes over and a fear would manifest as myself as physical discomfort and I do not understand how I've manifested it and how I did participate within specific mind-patterns and then I am unable to stop and then I fear from 'it will remain so' and then the trip becomes bad I scare the shit out of myself for instance of 'remaining crazy'.

I did not have these things - I was more likely the suppressive guy who was able to suppress everything and in the next moment experiencing 'I am clear' - however it formed as a some sort of depression what is not the topic today but just gave an example that there is no escape from reacting with paranoia if there is a fear within.

Many guys I know had the conclusion to not take for instance acid anymore only because they faced a particular paranoia what made them to pull back and never wanting to face it again - well for me that would drove crazy and I'd repeat the experience to overcome it but not within Self-honesty but with force - trying to empower myself with energy, more energy, with more intense circumstances, more killer music etc but after all - these did not work to transcend the fear really. It took several years to acknowledge that I require more than just these substances or spiritual meditation(what is the same as drug only it's much-much slower) and that is why I am taking the time to share these things for anybody to not loop in time as I did but directly be able to have the best practical tools as Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness, Self-correction and Self-commitment to not waste so much time, energy, money and eventually years to run in circles with the most basic points such as fear from being intimate with myself and never questioning why I am not expanding and I am 'having' these guys around me who still believe within the drug instead of directly SELF HERE and therefore they seems to be stuck but to acknowledge it: takes courage but after all - it exposes who we are and what we want to be within our gifted physical life, but it must be obvious now to not dare ourselves to acknowledge that 'I've been mistaken, I was wrong in my entire life' - seems to be tough for many but after all what for we are living if not to realize and change unconditionally?

If everything falls, stick to the basic principle as Equality and Oneness and use the tools, write within Self-honesty, everything of mind, write out, realize the relationships, apply self-forgiveness and explore stopping the existing paranoia - regarding to drug, to childhood fears or even paranoia from paranoia itself.

So drug-paranoia is quite big topic, I've just scratched the surface with my own experiences but the conclusion for this session is already clear:

PARANOIA as the fear from the noise of the mind is problem while one is taking drug and it is always related to the starting point of why one is taking the drug and as it is literally the 'starting point': it determines the outcome, the consequence, the result, the consequence and by these in fact the responsibility for what one is experiencing therefore what is reacting to and how will behave by.

By the specific examples of paranoia(what were my own fears when one (- me, theoretically of course - did/would) take drugs.

The problem as pronounced before is that people are not able to be honest with self to see the starting point for why taking the drug, with what setting within boosting the mind-set for different kind of perception.

Another problem is that one does not see the energetic experiences within related to thoughts/feelings/emotions and how these are really working and in specific daily life events how one really operate by and through and eventually as these inner backchats, habits, personalities, characters.

Also it is problem that the drug and it's effect people are unaware of - just seeing how one particular substance alters one's owns mind and how one is reacting to it for what specific interest.
It is not always enough to say 'wanting to have good times' or 'I want to have better understanding' meanwhile having issues and behaviors what one already have relationship with such as lack of self-confidence or fear from facing a childhood paranoia.

It is also prominent to note that not to be able to see/realize/understand problems and solutions within our life without drug and expecting solution/band aid from a drug or wanting to have a specific experience with what one can feel better or want to change.


Taking Self-responsibility through and as the realization of practical Self-forgiveness, Self-corrective statements and Self-commitments to become aware of what must be done within what circumstances specifically how in each situation wherein one already realized the Self-dishonesty what wants and scipts to prepare, act and stabilize to stop and explore what is beyond that fear as Self as Life.

There is an extensive research have been done by Andrea Rossouw  in the blog called Crime's journey to Life within the following posts:

Spiritual drug usage
Why people take drugs
 The causes behind drug use:
 An example or two of the character of somebody who uses and abuses drugs:
 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness:
 'The happiness-drug-user' Self-forgiveness continued:
Fear-dimension within Social-situations continued:
 Backchat Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Reaction Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Behavioral Dimension of the drug user within Social-situations:
 Self-Corrective Statements:
It seems to be a lot but it is worthy to walk through, I really suggest to do so for everybody to read and embrace as each post is specific and to see within each sentence 'Is this actually related to my own life? How?' And to gift ourselves with the realization of what we are accepting and allowing as our self/reality what we are responsible for - especially when deciding to understand the dynamics of ourselves to be able to stop.

Quoting from this blog:

"why people take drugs*" - the main contexts that one is able to see stepping forth though, is that the drug connects to the users mind and changes, suppresses or heightens certain mental aspects for the person on their behalf, this obviously depends on the chemical compound i.e. the purpose of the drug.

Each drug user will give a reason for using the drug, and that reason is how the person defend their use of drug. If one then look behind the reason, which is usually the beautiful things like 'expression' spirituality and heightened levels of consciousness' you will see the cause behind why people use drugs. The causes are for example depression, anxiety, Fear, wanting to forget, Pain, Worries, Suppression of Emotions such as Anger, Jealousy, to alleviate the discomfort around poverty and lack of money to purchase what others have etc.."

So this is a very cool assistance and support to walk through the reason and starting point what will give some points to explore within regarding to the reasons why one would make habit for taking drugs to in fact escape from reality.

As the problem is NOT the drug, not even the intake of the drug however if the starting point is 'corrupted' by a self-definition - as self-dishonesty as fear from lose - there is a chance that one is not able to walk through that starting point even with the experience of the drug itself - if that would shake the foundation of one's personality, one might build in excuses and justifications and then the 'drug taking for freedom' becomes 'drug for build self-slavery' even further.

And I am aware of that many has the starting point of 'awakening', 'transcending', 'changing' and 'exploring' consciousness/reality/mind/self/life - I only say that without Self-honesty, one can take anything or have access to everything and will not dare to fundamentally question and change one's own self what is already a Programmed Mind Consciousness System what has created/developed and stabilized it's own energetic status quo by the very thoughts/feelings/emotions/memories/definitions/habits/reactions as we refer to call ourselves as 'me, myself, I'. That can not be disregarded in a singular moment even with the highest drug experience - as it was built by the simple mathematical equation of 1+1=2, day by day, year by year and the same consistency is required to dissolve, walk out from it but with Self-discipline, Self-direction fueled by and as Self-honesty as Life.

Quoting again from Crime's journey to Life blog some Self-forgiveness to give an example for what I mean.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within perpetual cycles of emotion and feeling polarities, where I exist from day to day to live for the positive feeling experience such as joy, and to avoid the negative emotions such as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to grow up believing in the CONcept that who we are - are our emotions, feelings and thoughts -

within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see, realizing and understanding for myself throughout my life, from observing my experiences, that these cycles of energetic experiences are truly not supportive of me as they by nature are uncomfortable, lead to abusive self practices and contain the being within continual struggles and depression/angst.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that emotions/feelings - once I for a moment stop participating in them, do not change me as what remains when those 'cycles' end is me consistent here as a living, breathing expressive being -

then I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize and see the common sense that surely it is not a system of the mind that indeed supports me, but only exists as a constant battle, a and is system that requires my understanding and directing, instead of blindly following, where I eventually accept a life around who I am as my thoughts, feelings and emotions, instead of living self responsibility in self honesty as what is best for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop my personality from childhood into adulthood, around my emotions and feelings, whereby I live in an attempt to alleviate the discomfort I experience from allowing my own emotional patterns such as jealousy, anger, conflicted and the 'polarities' between which these points swing - which we call the seeking of the pleasures of life - which would exist as the polarity struggles between feelings and emotions such as: joy/sadness, hope/hopelessness, fear/brave, have/have not, beauty/ugly, joyful/depressed etc.

And finally quoting one Self commitment statement from Crime's journey to Life:

Therefore I commit myself that when and as I realize I will not become a personality through the use of drugs to fit into how society interact on the levels of the go and energy addictions - to stop the fears that come up around the point of 'what If I no longer belong' and to immediately stand equal and one to myself as life, to support only directive living that is best for all, and to realize that to exist in social situations that support only the mind as the ego - is not me as life, therefore if any fears come up;
 I stop I breathe, I stand physically stable and I either continue to participate in effective self expression without competing and wanting to fit in by acting like others - or I make a decision to leave, and I simply look again at the point of what it is that I would like to participate in, what social situations/interactions would support me and to then focus in the future on expressing myself where I see I would really enjoy myself, and to not fear letting go of the old personality designs I grew up believing I had to belong to.

Furthermore check those out, they are invaluable to assist and support to drop the veil of perceived self and explore what is beyond the paranoia and fear to become really free.


To understand why I am taking the drug and actually see what I expect from it can start to transform my relationship from the drug back to myself and realize that as the Problem is me - the solution also must be - and the very habit I've formed by taking drugs for stop the paranoia of the mind is already a paranoia from directly facing, exploring, changing, taking responsibility of and as SELF as LIFE.

To explore the social fears what is already encoded into one's owns personality what the drug can enhance, suppress or even change - but if I am not the directive principle it is like a roulette - I play  casino and sometimes I win, sometimes I lose - without ever questioning how this game of mind works - and for real satisfaction is never enough.

To walk the practical tools of Self-forgiveness/Self-correction/Self-commitment and see how one is accumulating Self-direction, Self-trust, Self-integrity to realize that it is possible to directly transcend any fear and all paranoia without any drug is really something what I strongly suggest to consider/realize/try/explore!

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