[JTL 132] Letting go Self-definitions from childhood films, movies

Continuing on the 7 Years of Journey to Life

Movie mind, what I have thought originally from movies as a child:

That man has to fight for woman and woman go to money and power and man go to beauty.
That man has to behave in order to have woman.
That man has to make sacrifice to have woman.
That woman are for keeping the race up and running with pleasure.

I can do extraordinary things physically - if needed - not really - one slip and one steeps for a month.
Extraordinary not means stupid and reckless.
Extraordinary with common sense.
Step by step, accumulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form ideas how a man should behave or woman should behave according to films, movies, series and thinking that is the role model for me.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that even when not thinking that there is a role model for me on tv,movies - I experience it just as experiencing any living thing and then from my mind it is not difference that it is a memory from my own life or a memory watching it on screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to behave, and do things what I have defined/thought as civilized in order to get women's attention, friendship, partership and only holding myself back within the belief that it is required to 'get' the woman just as in the movie, tv.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back in any way whatsoever in order to get something and not realizing that the compromise I make and become instead of just live opportunities directly without value, definition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, define and believe that women are for keeping mankind surviving and reproducing while man can have pleasure with woman or at least seeing and getting this idea from family, system, movies, films somehow.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that any definition, picture what I automatically do judge and react to is a reflection from my past trying to superimpose reality with opinion.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that each participants, such as women are equal part of the system and to use them as subject means I am not able to stand as equal as the system therefore I am inferior within the system in regards to it's whole.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that anything I react I can learn to do automatically within the believe that it is me meanwhile it is of thoughts, feelings, emotions energy of the mind which I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always turn my center focus to the woman being present as the most desireable, most valuable and attractive for me and behaving in relation to my thoughts about her and not realizing that by this I am not here as free but as of self-judgment, self-doubt, fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can do extraordinary things physically without common sense and not realizing that the physical is the real and it's laws are here constantly and within the rush and energy of experience forgetting all the wounds, mistakes I've made and then became injured - or thinking about these injuries and that's why not doing something, not because of common sense but because of fear from injury - so both ways: disregarding physical while going to opinion, worry, expectation, fear or recklessness, stupidity, foolishness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when I do need, I can do extraordinary and defining myself like that and by that and using it as an excuse for not doing the utmost I can in every moment by thinking 'when I need, I can do more, but this time I do not need' - and manipulating myself into energetic states instead of directly living here undefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the most common sensical, practical way to accumulate is to act within consistency and not with energy but directly as physical.


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[JTL 130] Childhood desires from Movies, TV

 
Still decomposing TV, Movie - related mind activities to slow down, prevent and let go completely.
(see previous posts)

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am and what I want to do from movies, TV Series and defining it as a source from who I can learn who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live life as pictured in movies, TV films, comparing to how I perceive my life with the things I see on the screen and defining that desirable.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that the TV, Movie films are idealized and completely result of imaginacion and not related how real life is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire things to have when I was kid and did not enjoy my life, to dream about fullfilling myself with the things I've seen in movies and TV what I've defined as cool, as I need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after having a hydroplane and fly over the ocean between islands just because I've seen it in movies, first time in a Bud Spencer movie and wanting to have that feeling to be able to just fly around among tropical islands.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being able to fly around tropical islands with a hydroplane as power, as richness, as fullfillment, as interesting and always dreaming about it and in fact never doing anything to manifest so it is purely an imagination to escape from what is here when compared to what I experience currently versus what I want to experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the temptation of the mind to feel, energize, think, visualize, imagine about things, points, events, objects, women what I've seen in movies, TV films and thinking about these as possible, preferable things to do if I would have the opportunity and never realizing that it is not who I really am but who I allowed myself to be programmed.

I forgive myself that I have never considered that to see something in a film, movie is alright but to be obsessed with what I see and think abouot it all the time is self-dishonesty as meanwhile more and more disregarding what I am currently within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe, define that it is alright to allow such childhood desires and imagination within myself believing that it is part of myself and never considering the possibility that it was of fear, it was of separation when I allowed it to possess me, a feeling, an energetic experience what I have became addicted to re-and re-experience when things are tough where and as I live physically to have an experience of 'feeling good' to balance out the actually self-induced, manifested experience of 'feeling bad'.

I forgive myself that I have never ever considered to see/uderstand/realize that when I have an experience of 'feeling bad' - that it is not about how to balance out, to occupy myself with 'feeling good' as an automatic response but to see within, investigate, question myself that what is the reason that I have concluded to the point of 'feeling bad' and to PREVENT it is the solution without any inner reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire lot of things what I've seen from movies and wanting to, desiring to experience, just once in a lifetime at least to have a feeling that 'I am living' and not realizing, actually never understanding that 'really living' is not related to copy and experience things what I've seen in TV, Movies and defined as 'that is life' while comparing to what I 'live' as not really life and having the polarity and wanting to change the energetic charge, the feel of this self-judgment of 'how is my life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories with feelings associated to automatically come up within me without questioning and define and experience as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about memories, desires, what I've formed from movies, films and defining that as myself directly and not slowing down to a degree to be here and see that when I use that feeling and memory - I am not aware what is here, what is in and as my human physical body so it is a form of disregard what I define as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and become anxious when feeling like I have to give up all desires what I've formed since my childhood based on TV, Movies and not realizing that these are patterns what I've held onto to have an experience of feeling positive when I had the negative experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the existence 'system' works like I have to let go the 'subject' of my desire and for that I will get it anyway - and not realizing that I am trying to manipulate my feelings of what I want and hope that I get it some way I am not directing and never realizing that it is a feeling of hope what is energetically stimulating me to not act immediately, but wait, be positive.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that what I really want I have to do it myself directly, without hesitation, judgment and fear.

I forgive myself that I have never seen/realized/understood the common sense to stop the feelings towards what I want to experience in this life and actually let everything go and remain here as the 'I' simply being here without any knowledge, information, memory to define who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that to get free of everything I experience as my limitation is simply let go everything I've defined and react automatically to.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that within fear from not being able to fullfill, live and experience my life as who I've defined myself to want to live - I actually block myself into not act but feel in the mind with thoughts, energies and while being occupied like that - I am actually manifesting the pattern of not manifesting what I fear from not manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that my personality has formed based on desires from my early age and because I am not fully aware of all the desires, worries, fears - it is still of and as me as suppressed and stored in and as the mind what automatically uses it to reflect back equal as one my starting point as who I manifested myself to be until becoming aware of the pattern, understanding the conditions and be able to let it go, not react, forgive, stop, delete and remove from my beingness and remain here, undefined, physical directly.

When and as I experience a dream, desire to come up, or remembering a wish from childhood - I stop and I stop it and I see where it comes from and is it of movies, films I've seen and formed a reaction of I need that? And I let it go and I remain here - I realize the pattern and I prevent next time to come up by not reacting to it this time.

When and as I experience desire as separation but devotion to experience it - I realize I have allowed myself to define myself based on feelings, thoughts so I stop and re-align myself with being here, physical, direct, disregarding thoughts, feelings, emotions and I breathe - slowly but surely and I bring myself fully here by realizing that desire is of fear from past and I am here.

When and as I desire things what I have defined as I need to live, have, fullfill when I was child or younger - I realize in that particular time I have experienced the mind as my starting point and within that the separation, the polarity and the positive and negative was not real, but of judgments, comparison and fear so I stand here and I let it go and I focus to what is here.

I commit myself to stop defining, desiring myself based on, according to movies, tv films and all what I've seen as cool, preferable, I need that, this is who I am judgments coming up - I stop and I let it go and I remain undefined.

I commit myself to investigate all desires, fears, reactions within what I am unable to immediately directly understand, stop: to see how I have manifested such self-definition what comes up automatically and I use the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction to stop it as stopping myself to go 'in there' as feeling, thought and I stand here within breathing.

I commit myself to prevent myself to have desires and judgments, reactions, hopes when seeing movie tv from now on and whenever I feel like 'that's cool, I want that' - I realize it is automatic and I slow down and I use common sense - is it really practical and I want to be?

I commit myself to stop experiences to define who I am and forget myself and presence in and as experience - I breathe and I slow down within and I participate within experience, I am experience but I am not of experience - I am presence, here, breathing and experiences will come and go and I remain consistent.

[JTL 63] Being with others and reacting

2013.06.21, Friday
I am in the forest with some people for some days where is sometimes tension and I have the opportunity to see how I participate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I fear from directing the situation around when it is emotional and I am apparently clear and becoming observer and waiting to be over as I did when I was kid meanwhile thinking that I do not have directive power over others and after some time it will go away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts to automatize myself in order to avoid fear and overcome the feeling of not having power over the situation around me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that others will stop raging emotions and then I will be free of the reactions to emotions and not realizing that then I am conditioned to others and how others start or stop being reactive and not realizing that in fact I am reactive and projecting self-responsibility to be influenced and wait for stop stop in an as a disregarding myself and what is reacting within me in each breath.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I fear from remaining alone if I do not accept emotions to be directive.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that at moments I fear from myself if I do not follow predefined patterns then I will have to fear more therefore listening to thoughts therefore not being here by that manifested fear of and as mind of thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see/understand/realize that any given moment I am not here as continuous presence - I am automated of thoughts of fear what must be walked backwards moment by moment each, one by one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the physical is the key as breath as principle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from living with others because then emotional storms happen within people argue and shout and blame and tension and anxiety and fear is in the air which from I feel and defined myself to feel that I am being exhausted, tainted by and focused to as negative.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am responsible for what I accept and allow within my living quarters therefore the principle is simple - what I accept and allow is my responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to dominate down who argue and shout by shouting them more loud and strong to listen to me who is saying: stop it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop myself to shout others in order to stop them arguing because I think that if I am not here then they will continue it anyways and only what I can gain is that they do not want to be with me because I am getting mad - and not realizing that if I will be alone because not accepting emotional arguments then my starting point is here - no emotional argument.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being judged as emotional when I would raise my voice to others in order to stop them being emotional because what if in fact I am becoming emotional by them and then saying them to not be emotional while I am emotional and anxious looks like a contradiction and fearing that what if they would say to me that 'Tala, in fact you are emotional and anxious' and not using common sense and principle and Self-honesty in every breath here to avoid conflict within me and then around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to consider that I am playing the character of being good for accepting people around me within the hope that it will be good and they will be nice because that is what I want for me therefore thinking they want the same from me and if I will be nice and kind by default then they will be the same.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that mostly within sexual desire and hope for sexual connection I accept to be socially compromise and allow people to direct here and me first and then if it is abusive then reacting to it and then judging my reaction and then wanting to stop it and eventually direct the situation what is best for me - and never realizing it is because of the hope and fear :
-hope that they will be cool with me as I would like to receive
-fear from directing the circumstances, myself, my direction and even the interaction with others because then they would judge and react to me as controller, dictator, dominant
and never realizing that I always push myself down to compromise what is supporting me in order to remain within the character of being accepted, nice, kind and helpful within the hope that then everybody will be eventually the same with me believing within a some sort of karma and not realizing that within the law of attraction I pull people around me who direct me within their interest meanwhile they hope that I will be nice with them.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if emotions and fear is expressed around me the common sense is to see that is it directing me or not - and if so then my existing relationship first is to deal and sort out and if I am clear and empty then I can see what is going on with others to assist and support but only then - otherwise my responsibility here is only my reaction and my programming to decompose, understand, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being self-honest and intimate with myself within any given moment to be able to see that an upcoming thing in the mind is my issue or others.

I commit myself to stop reacting to emotional exerting of others automatically - I stop giving the permission to my programmed mind body to react with emotions by suppression and waiting and I start directing.
I commit myself to stop fearing from raising my voice within the belief that if I shout then I am bad by understanding that if I am clear within - I trust myself undefined and even if it looks like I am going too far - I still trust myself that I walk the principle of stopping within and expressing with out.
I commit myself to see and realize when I am falling through over the horse from suppressing to exerting and stop and re-align myself to forgive myself to return to moment as clear and empty within and embrace the presence undefined as principled living within common sense based consideration of what is best for all and me equal as one breath by breath.
I commit myself to direct my live within principle and stop fearing from not being accepted if I stand up for and as principle.
I commit myself to direct situation within common sense at my living quarters without fear from being rejected by others.


Meanwhile I am able to slow and stop within - and finding relaxation within constant action.
The only thing is required to consider my body's limitations and everything else is here - except electricity and internet and mobile network. My limitations I can face within extreme strong sunlight versus my very white skin and my left pointing finger has some serious dysfunction since a while and quite painful it is while using it.
Ticks are everywhere, many-many - even repellents are not holding these tiny monsters back and they love children's blood especially.

We have a very blessed place wherein are multiple fountains.  Yesterday I've helped to clean the little stream and today will continue. I just walked into the nearest village for about 5 km-s - but here is still no mobile network(therefore internet) but at least I can charge up these gadgets to write some.

I enjoy to work in nature - yesterday gathered lots of woods and made fire, cooked, dig and cleaned the stream,  today will clean some bushes and clean the stream more and bring rocks into it.

Back at home at my new flat there is still no cable connection until Tuesday, so I do not hurry - only what bothers me is my writing habits regarding to course and commitment assignments but from next week I will be able to continue each night.
Many things seems to change within - what I see as most important is my drive for find a woman is less - even here in the camp women are not really clothed - I do not feel the urge and the need and obsession towards sex.
I've always noticed that within the city I am more focused to women and sex within my mind than on countryside so this will be a Self-honesty writing walk soon.
The addiction to orgasm seems to fade as well - What I look within is that is this a suppression or a self-honest expression to stop what is not here as relevant in the moment.
Man, how much energy is involved within the sexual mind - once it is released I am not really that changing.
It is really like being lifted from possession.
It is fascinating because here is some nudism and I do see some titties and pussy but not really matters - just bodies - and sometimes I still see my eyes and head moving automatically to specific body parts of women what I've defined as energetically charging but I am continuously releasing.
It is a process - and only self-honesty can assist within seeing that what I can stop in the moment and not using 'path of attainment' as excuse to not stop in and as the moment entirely.

The remaining thing to write today is that I am starting to have a 'capacity' and attention towards my daily waking up process.
Recently I experience it - as no alarm I use in the forest - is that I sleep, I wake up, then I sleep back and then I wake up because my thoughts are getting more and more loud and after all I wake up because I'm fed up with this thinking all the time as annoys me.
It does not have direction or particular topic - it SEEMS to flow randomly about things in my life - like a twisted echo machine.
I sleep still not too much - about 6-7 hours - but for me it is too much - but I've defined that this time I allow myself to just see how and when I wake up.
I even had verbal expression towards others that I might want to wake up before the sun and take some sunrise footages with my camera but not really.

When I started to walk with Desteni, I have found very practical and useful and supportive to say Self-forgiveness-Sleeping wherein there is this:

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as moment as me, as breath as me.

I have said it for many days and when I did it - it assisted  - and still there are times when I do take a short nap for instance for 15-30 minutes - and I wake up - I am empty - and I wake up and I act - no thoughts.
But it is not consistent, and in the mornings it only occurs when I use alarm being set on asking me to wake up after 4:30-6:00 hours sleep.

But I must investigate the morning thoughts one by one specifically and de-weed myself one by one.
Even many times I see dreaming is also a some sort of thought-stream but more vivid it's like a mind-state wherein thoughts are more colored and less just like this voiceless-speaker in my head as backchat.

So a backchat diary is required to follow and see the patterns and see the conditions what with they arise for what reason and what is what I do not direct in my life and reflects back through and as the thoughts of mind.
Alright, my charger is getting finished on almost all batteries so I am taking the 5 km walk back to the forest to make some fire and chapati and dig stream and cut grass more and see what comes next.

On now now now now now

I am a digital outprint - a printout of that being who am I really. I am that being who is hiding behind of this Talamon, who is still has the habit of being an excuse, being a dataset, being an information system, a structural resonance - instead of just be breath as life as onness and equality.
I realized what I am, I realized what could be the starting point to born life from this phisical manifested creation. It's a process. As I am releasing day by day, moment by moment that much anger, that supression
- I am becoming more sure that I have to stop.
- I am becoming more sure that I fucked myself extensively.
- I am becoming more sure that I wont supress myself again.
- I am becoming that I have to let go all 'I have to'-s.

I am exploring myself. I am exploring my excuses. 'Excuse me' - no. I am not excusing me anymore. I am facing myself just like putting all into me as me and experience it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to define myself as light.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to escape from that what I labelled as dark instead of realizing that is also my nature what needs to unify as onness and equality.
I forgive myself that I exert my anger.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be angry to my situation about being powerless, instead of realizing that I am currently manifesting it from influenced past. I stop that. I am not that. I am life. I am deleting that.
I realized my nervousness is just an excuse. I am not nervousness. I delete that.
I realized all what I do is changing reality. I change my reality to decreate. To pull back all my tentacles. HEEEEE WORLD I PULL BACK ALL MY REFRACTIONS, all my tentacles.
From space from time. I am unifying myself.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to be jealous.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exert my anger to my situation.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I choosed deception. I choose life as breath.
I am giving myself up. I am not my mind. I am not deception. I am sure. I am here. I am here.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to wanted to fly.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not direct and move me as I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use personalities to not be the same tala today yesterday tomorrow as me as life as onness and equality as breath.

I forgive myself that I accepted to be unpatient. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to desire woman to find that for being starting point or that relationship instead of realizing that I am onness and equality as all as life as breath.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to build up my debt of someone by thoughts, pictures, feelings, fear. I delete them.
I forgive myself that I am allowing myself to stop self instead of moving self as awareness as breath as life as facing in every moment as me as onness and equality.

Every single thought is manifesting, those not what I forgive,stop,unify and transcend.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry to my family.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry to dogs.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry to women.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be angry to men.
Maybe anger is just unpatient stuff...Like I cannot wait NOOW I want.
Breath is not unpatient.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want a system polarity manifestation in my mind. I no need polarity. I am life.

Fear, information forgiveness

I forgive myself that I still have diarrhoea.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear and that fear like diarrhoeing irritation occurs.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I still have that gooseskin feeling by memories coming up in my solar plexus, what is just fear. Fear from facing myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that as I am writing about my drug expreiences as coming up that fear also manifesting, but in a form of encoded, like prickling around in my trunk, like decoded thought information systems. Those are not me. I forgive theese for myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for enjoy, as theese feelings waving around in my body, totally determinating, totally influencing, totally depending on them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that to experience those feelings so joyfully, like an orgasm – not realizing that by this I am becoming the slave of them and dependent on them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I developed my dishonesty to a great extent, like decomposing those I enjoyed that as the feeling is moving around in my body – what is just information, data from past, decoded fear, what keeps me in prison, influences me and controls. I delete those.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that as I am writing this, as I am deleting that, I feel pain in my hip. I delete. I forgive myself, that I accepted and allowed myself to still experiencing that encoded fear-thought information system as I am translating this sentence to english. I delete. I am facing with ALL my fear. I am me as me.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not be aware about feelings, just only for that those prickling, energy-dataflows, whose are not me. I delete that.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I wanted to delete trough experiencing those. It is not working like that. Instead of I am breathing as I am breath and I am in moment as moment.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I supressed myself, for not needing to face with my fears, what are just me, myself, but not yet awaken to be aware of them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed no still be that what about I am writing, still forgeting that I am breath as breath as me as me as life. Inbreath i am, outbreath I am. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react for those feelings, as that feelings are already just reactions for some memory. I delete them.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe, I can escape from myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I did not wanted to face with myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that for fear from fear, what is just information. The fear is not me. I am life. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that fearing from myself so extensibly that that much fear, as many information, as mind, influenced my inner core of being, so much, for not being albe to remember what were those fears, and now I am just experiencing those results. I open myself. I am opennes, I am opened.

I forgive myself that I became mind consciousness system. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself that I became programmable. Now I am deprogramming myself. I am life, I do not need programs anymore, no need to experience to experience myself as program. That program, what I’ve became, now I am stopping. The program, what is my mind, what is my imprinting, what I’ve stuck into, what I hide behind of, which I separated myself from myself, what is onness and eqality : STOPS. I stop as mind. I stop as creation, I stop as program. No other way, I do not care any other way, I wont change in that, until it is done, until totally and finally my mind stops. Because I am not my mind, my mind is my own trap.

I do not want other, just to be me as onness and equality, me, as as me, as breath, as life, to be equal with and one with everything.

I forgive myself that I did not realized that the onness and equality is the basic principle, just in my self-dishonesty I did not wanted to experience that, because in mind I became mind, whch in just like data, information I exists, and I was afraid from that as I experience in onness and equality, I could be influenced, determined, lost by that what I could experience – not realizing that I am me as me, what is infinite and invulnerable – not realizing that the mind itself what is being influenced, that is what is not existing, not moving without data and information flowing – by this I became the mind, what was scaref rom that what is now gripping, that could be lost by becoming all as one as equal. That fear is not me, I delete that.