So I will start the 'story' about one year ago - first time it will go until last december - then I will continue on forthcoming day.
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It is like closing a period in my life - as I already realized things - but resonantly coming up - so I write more, expose more, I will do mind constructs and self forgiveness and self corrective application - this will be some of occasions - but I will do so anyway - it must be done.
Whats going on on on and on
Recently I was emailing directly with several people, mostly in hungarian - fascinating points came up - mostly about my discipline regarding to desires and focus to remain here as physical.
With my some ex-girlfiends and other people(mostly women) I started to open myself up directly within communication - simply writing about my current process - what I am facing actually - some are giving some perspectives - to see - what reflections I am still participating based on belief, desire, fear or simply not taking self responsibility to stand up for all within my act.
For instance - when I speak with specific women - I do not have this obvious desire after sex or very direct physical contact - but several times I was able to see it hiddenly - within words - not because I am symbolically speaking of desires - more likely as I speak about the sexual topic - I saw that some times I expected to respect/response with the same - opening up inner issues of themselves - also about sexual experiences, insights etc - and what I saw that the hope within myself about 'maybe then after we speak about it - then IRL we could do so' - but when I see it directly - not really - it is more likely subconscious - but sometimes comes up to conscious level and then I see it when I am here as breathing - but several times I acted(wrote) withint the starting point of energy - and if I release this expression(send it in email) then it will reflect back...So it happened...
Therefore there was some kind of 'temptation' as well - as specific women approached me in specific circumstances with the offering of 'we should sleep together' - but I did not do so...
Later on I had the chance to react inside -- I went into inner dishonesty by following desire - and in those moments - I experienced this desire - to use the opportunity - but I was not sure - so I still did not do so - then the opportunity was not here anymore - but I was able to see 'I was not absolutely direct' - still I was a bit of being directed - however there was this sprout of standing absolute by discipline/principle/decision/realization/self-honesty.
So I must stabilize and express this decision, discipline, principle, realization, self honesty - by writing about why and how I realized what I must stop - what I must reject, what I must do when temptations come to stand as Life Principle.
It all started with myself opening up to women about in the begining of the summer of 2009 - and first of all - I did not 'script up' situations - I just walked into it - and then I was being intriqued by it and I was directed - not that obviously and utterly as years ago when I fell into absolute delusions regarding to specific women -- but still of dishonesty, still of desire.
And in fact - I wanted to form an agreement - and by this 'want' - I did not do so - and also I did not take into consideration the other - the other's process - and see common sensically that that woman suits the placement for this with me to walk as equally as one - the first one trial: simply did not.
However it took several months for me to realize how this construct what was moving me - works, operates, moves me and why and what is what I am not experiencing within myself and I feel separated from - what I want to have by that specific woman.
When it started to be obvious that she does not get this whole thing and she does not even want to open up for realize it - it was obvious that this wont really work - but I was still busy to make this work - and by wanting to - I became this want - and within becoming this want - I lost my starting point as self as presence - not totally - but within specific situations...
For instance when she was kissing me and hugging - I simply forgot things lol...
So after a while - sexual desire also arised and when that was not to happen - I started to physically experience this system directly. It was strong and really rude experience - the pain was about once in two weeks - for a half a hour - almost unbearable - this area of myself(down there from genital/ass coming up by the center of my trunk) - was in a some kind of energetic burn experience. To describe this experience - the tip of this was my asshole and tip of my penis - and from this points - these really felt like one point - and from those two - experiencing arising energy flames upwards - and these energy flames - somehow I felt these as empty/black/energetic information systems moving up slowly but very strong - and pain was so strong that in it's peek(the strongest part was always for 5-15 minutes) I was nothing more but presence, pain, breath. Literally.
In these moments - there nothing left - but breathing and remaining here - I've tried distractions - even once or twice masturbation to 'release' the energetic compound - but did not really help - it was like this experience always waited for me so to speak - and when I was here as presence - it intensified and came full blown and then after 'purely' breathing through - it was gone - very fascinating experience - this was about for a year - suppressed sexual desire -- after being with this one specific woman while she 'allowed to do things' but not 'actual sex' - so I was aroused and after some rejections - or watching sexual video without masturbating to orgasm -- this came up -- sometimes at work - when I had to deal with it - to go somewhere to be alone and then breath through it...
After a while of course - I realized that this is very serious - and I remembered once we had chat with Bernard when he said it sounds like an infection - but I was like - it is obviously of suppressed compounded sexual desire - what is of mind-based - and maybe it manifested synptoms are of infection - but the core is of sexual disorder...
This event occured totally about 15-20 times - but about 5-6 were really seriously - absolutely - intense to the outmost degree.
I realized that I must change - and by the decision to change - I did not change automatically.
I had to investigate specifically how I participate within this - so then I started to stop participate within sexual desire.
First of all - by stopping the reaction to women on street - by stopping watching them as 'sexual objects' - as I remember - I did not watched them always like this -- only since I am working at this office and being with this people and 'sitting in' into this lifestyle of working at office, being alone, sometimes watching sex movies and wanting to have sexual intercourse with women but not doing so in physical.
In a way - I was aware of this dishonesty - so I was aware of one day I will stop - same as with smoking weed - I always was aware of that this is temporally - but at the moment it is here...But then I realized - I can't wait for it's end - if actually it is me - I have to stop myself to stop it. So I did 21 days stopping - I did masturbation - sometimes not using pictures, sometimes yes - it was very fuzzy - yet - when I did without pictures - still some 'small' reactions came up - but yet - then after - I was not ashamed - or felt discharged, and I did not feel that this I must keep in secret as it was 'natural'.
So somehow this started to change...
However when I was with this girl - things came faster that I could handle - so sometimes I lost my floor - and became energy waves..up and down...
So I wrote more about it and I wrote about sexual intents and what is my desire and how I define it and I wrote self forgiveness...
It started to change - I was able to extensively reduce my inner reactions towards women on street/eating place/office - and I kept pushing myself because I saw that I can stop - as I formed this to became - I can stop it on the same way - directly doing it - the stopping of it - daily - moment by moment...
So then with this girl - who I proposed to make agreement on sexual based physical support for each other by standing within self honesty and openness - she did not wanted it - and it came to the surface that she 'plays' with an other guy also - as I realized - she did not wanted me simply as a 'friend' but not that much as we would do 'intimate' thingies...
So then I approached her when she evaded me regardless of we agreed in a specific meet - and then asked directly and explained one more - that I can stand with her unconditionally if she moves self honestly and opens herself up - but then when I was pushing her to express directly - she told me that she did not want to meet with me because she did kisses with an other guy - so then she was ashamed of herself and she did not wanted to face with me.
So then I told her that it is over - and she asked me to be friends and I told her that friends are fiends - then I left her and deleted her phone number in my phone to be sure - I do not go back.
It was my decision - to clearly step out from this -- and it was also an experiment from the beginning - that I will not manipulate her, I will not make her being attracted to me and I will not reason her to do so - without mind games I wanted her to act - because in my past - I did these to 'get' women - and I do not do so anymore - because is of dishonesty -- so then she did not wanted this - and I experienced a bit mess within me and I started to burn inside so to speak - or more likely - I started to burn myself with this by reactions -- So I stepped out and started to stop and write and open and forgive things what came up...
It was intense - but about 1000 times less than I experienced when I was before - so it was not that huge, world destroying mindpain - it was simply unpleasant - what? my mind of course - but I experienced it as I can handle and walk through it...
In fact - I wanted this - to face and make apparent mistakes to see what I already accepted and manifested...
So I got this...
Then after one-two months - doing another 21 days dare - I met with an other woman - I found her interesting - she was not that 'bitchy' woman-like as usual women who I liked before - so the 'danger'/'desire' polarity did not rang up within me - and I did not experienced body-sensual-desire - as she was not the usual 'my type' - and I liked this - because I did not went immediately into desire - more likely it was a curiosity so I approached her to a speaking walk with her - without inner movement - simply just breath walk speak -- and it was fascinating - however I experienced something 'wrong' with her from the perspective of experiencing her 'wounded' in that time...
After speaking for hours in a some kind of 'meetings of friends, some were smoked and speaking wisely and spiritually but of nonsense' - I enjoyed her not being involved within this wise-pretending bullshit - but anyway I was like - whatever - it was fascinating...
After months - she approached me about wanting to communicate with me - and then emailing, and then she came to me and spoke 7 hours and then she left.
Next week she came and wanted to get massage at one point and then we ended up in sexual things - not much I had desire for it - of course I had some sort of - but in physical - did not mean anything but distraction - so I breathed through the mind-bullshit and we enjoyed each other...
So then I told her - I am not for romantic moments - more likely self honest agreement where we directly communciate and support each other and starting to build something together - and she liked the idea but I was aware of she have no idea...
She told me that she had intense self-abuse by alcohol recently - and she stopped it completely and she is ready to let go that and actually face - so it was quite reasonable - and we started to meet, speak and do sex...
Okay I will continue next time...
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