When I was shaving my head - I was not aware of I was not here for long moments - I was of imagining - and after a while - I realized my hands and feet were shaking. Of course, the water was cold already, but that is not the reason -- somehow the system came into surface what makes me fear of death.
Fascinating - facing unknown - facing death -- when I as the system can not comprehend but I am facing through - this comes up and I am wondering about unreal things.
Bringing myself here - Presence, Push breath and express and explore what means to stand here as physical stability.
Yes - this is it - I am typing directly as myself as the computer and as I am breathing and I am saying the words - I stand - no separation I do allow by reacting, judging or even being unsure about what I am doing. This is who I am - I am Here.
Yes and then things happen and I am facing with resistance - no matter what - I push - I am this all - I am the resistance - I embrace, I understand, I am becoming aware of what I face - and then I move it as myself - no separation - no reason - no goal. Simply I am movement.
So this is at the moment where I share some points what I was experiencing recently.
So I was writing about how I experienced women recently - especially my partner, K. - At the middle of the week she wrote an email to me about - I must translate the whole letter as it is specific: I noticed that she is avoiding me, and it was apparently because she had inner conflict and self judgement, self hatred issues, and I pushed the point and offered her points to being stable and support directly - if she moves and changes in real by applying the tools...she said, yes, but never did really - so at the festival as she approached, I was seriously crystalcrisp about I am standing with her or without - but I do not allow her to remain in fucked up - and she was smoked - and I told her - enjoy yourself - and I left her -- after that she did not find me -- and after almost two weeks, I was working at the office, when she wrote this letter:
dear tala, well I disappeared, as you noticed...at ozora I fell in love and the outside world disappeared...since days i am trying to come back, not really I can...this is it, honestly, myself I am surprised about life...I do not know how to handle a situation like this, but I think that the honesty is the only way...
I need a bit more time to wake up, after that I will visit you...
to make love and to engage into intimate relationship I can not do anything else, only with my lover...this is strange for myself as well, but this is it...
but anyway, write about what is going with you, because I am interested(but if you dont want, I do not force it)
I hug you, k.
Well, that made me react lolol...Since december we regularly met and I was like - okay I do not compromise myself, I build agreement here - but she did not - it is proven here...
I was angry - and in fact angry to myself that I trusted her and I did not realize that she was not really moving but as I wanted her to move - she could act like that - and also within my hope - I saw her 'moving' - but in fact - if she can write a letter with such content of 'love, and I can not come back to reality' - I consider her as robotic as all the other human systems lolol.
So with this anger I was content for a while but then I started to apply self forgiveness - and in a hour the 'body' energetic compound disappeared - but within my head - sometimes came up -- and it was like re-reading the message to see that any reaction comes up - and in fact sometimes did -- surprise - yes - disappointment - not really - but it was cool because I am becoming more specific - not waving about the past but look what is actually here.
So that was about - after one day - I write loong letter to Marlen and it was cool - to write down all things and see that am I blaming? am I projecting? or I am expressing myself here?
So it was cool - and the whole thing started to manifest when I stared to focus onto the relationship to make it an agreement - in fact we agreed on some things - but it was not specific and not was of principle as oneness and equality...
But I accepted it - as I always existed in unequal relationships - so I make it happen by transition - it was phase two.
First phase was when I approached Gy who I knew long before and kind of liked her presence as she could express in a quite of innocence - but in other way she is well stubborn and suppressing - so I approached her and offered my unconditional assistance if we would form an agreement - of course with sex - but she evaded that - and this was the first attempt to approach a girl - without playing nice, without manipulation, without 'selling myself' - without using her dishonesty to make her move as I would do so -- and it did not work - it was fallen and even our 'contact' as relationship as some kind of 'friendship' fallen - for long months...
After that I said her that this does not work - and deleted Gy's number - simply showing my decision to her and to myself as well - that I do not take shit, i rather walk and die alone then I would accept bullshit...
So after that K came - and she somehow was attracted to me - I never really understood women why would do so lolol but it was okay -- I did not judge her as 'my type' - and that is what I liked - however she had a kind of expression what made me curious about how this being works?
And then she approached and asked for speak and then asked for massage and then for erotic massage - this was the third time we met and then we made meetings regularly - I stated out that I would not want romantic moments, rather direct self support based on self honesty and direct communication and she liked it and then the more we came 'together' in a way - I could express myself - and she even did that she told me several times when I was too much of 'speaking of information' to shut up - and also I did this to her - so it was the beginning...then by months - I was able to face the fact that my sexual desires are of delusion, are of mind - based on participation with porn and extensive sexual suppressions through my 'dark ages' when I was in drugs and spiritual agenda...
So I told to her that I am going to stop all of these but I would require more sex - more than weekly or twice in a month - and she agreed, but it never happened except two or three times...
So I had this focus on her and it clearly started to transform into discipline - but as my discipline and stability manifested - I started to push her more and more - and she fell - and I started to expect things from her - what she did not like - for instance to not drink alcohol - as she has serious issues to not being able to stop drinking and drinking alone and judging and hating herself...so it all came into surface when she evaded me and I was being tested that am I jealous? and after all it was gone - it came into the light that she was all alone and not wanting to face me because she was 'bitchy' - and I dared her to face me and allow me to come and intervene - but in fact - she was indeed - avoiding, evading, yes a bit bitchy - so then I was pushing her more - claiming her to write list and build self trust and she told me that she did - but anyway she told me that her previous relationship what lasted for 12 years - is still haunting her and she requires that guy's expression and she needs a bit of time and blah blah blah and then I told her that - "well, I am then dealing my sexual suppressed desire alone, but I let her be and then we will see - so since about 25 days I am doing this no orgasm experiment - in fact about 20 days before we did sex but no orgasm - but anyway since then I am disciplining myself to live without orgasm - and running after situations when I could have orgasm.
It assists me - but in times I still want to masturbate and even I watched sex movies - but then I stopped and I was exploring how it is triggered and how I am going to stop this for ever.
I am mailing with several women - and in fact some of them is almost 'asking' for sex - and I am going to face them but I told them that no promise, I am not going to being driven my dick - so no expectactions...
But it is fascinating to see that as I have no 'self-defined' partner anymore - the past just comes back directly - what I never transcended - for instance the desire for having sex - and in fact this is almost undefined - as in a way - I could define 'preferable' sexual experiences what my desires are about - but those would be obviously situations what in real life I am not interested....
For instance I visited sex club - swinger - when I was with people who do fuck with strangers as others speak - and I had no intent to participate with my dick - so when I had the chance to participate in orgy - I had the opportunity - but I asked myself? Is this what I really want? And the answer was directly no. So then that one was exposed - full of mind - not real - so I must go - as soon as possible - directly, in one breath.
And it is fascinating to speak with women - without actually being horny or aroused or even see them as 'sex object' - yes it sounds quite strange, but most of the men has this within teir mind - and when I do not participate - then I can experience the being - and the issues of her - and I can assist - without concerning about 'loosing my hope to have something sexual with her' - as in fact I never intended to.
Yet with the girl called Gy - we met again and I compromised myself in a way - as I was on the ground with her and I put my hand under her panties and grabbed her ass for a while and she had nothing to against it - and it was fascinating to see that I am still attracted to her body - what I allowed - and then we slept together in a tent within different sleeping bags - without anything sexual - as I had no intent to push this point with her anymore and also she told me that she has her boyfriend who would be in pain if he would know that she does sexual things with other boys - that was reasonable.
However I still experience that she sometimes even require this kind of attention from me - what is maybe a justification from myself to myself to not stop sexually approach her - but what is already a progress - that I had no big 'flyaways' - I was able to breath through when I could disregard the fact that better to remain here than being opposed by being rejected lol...
So that it is - I did not answer to K. anything else except 'no comment' -- and Gy left the country for weeks - so I am here to stabilize myself and in time I will face both - - the specificity and direct standing - and not driven by desire but as principle.
What is important - as I have a bit more 'time' because I do not spend with K. - that I can push more the SRA training - the mindconstruct and the basic components - and the self forgiveness - and then moving on to introduce daily the mind-charts usage - and face with resonances...
For now, this is it...
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