Sunday, August 8, 2010

facing women directly again and compromising my presence with desire part 2

In the last letter - I was a bit of ranting and raving - many shit
came up as what was dishonest -
In that of 'I trusted in that she wont allow me to go to the point of
sex' - that is obviously mindfuck because I do not trust myself here -
rather in something what is outside of me -- that's a really great
self-compromise - and that fact that I was tired and a bit exhausted
from the festival and the weather - can not justify what and how I did
and how I see...

Also that when I was realizing that I still being attracted to her -
why I did not stop totally? So I see that I still wanted to get energy
regardless to the decision - and also I did not want to be so direct
that she would define it rude or rough - because sometimes I do so -
speaking like Bernard for instance - straight to the point -- and I
was of mindfuck because I wanted to sleep in her tent instead of being
wet by rain - it was comfortable and I could be with her - also she
wanted this and she wanted me to be around her obviously and I 'fell'
into that...

Also she mentioned that she has some kind of boyfriend - they do not
declared that they are together - but she wants sex with him only -
okay she told me also not 100%, but more likely.
So I see that I was dishonest in that because I wanted her regardless
of the facts that she is with somebody who is not there at the moment
- but I compromised myself because I justified that with 'she wants my
gestures anyway' - because she says that she wants us to be 'friends'
but sometimes asks me to lie on her from back on the ground or fondles
me or gives a tiny kiss - obviously she likes me but somehow something
is blocked within her and she does not want to step through that door
when she would 'lose' the control within this situation - so this is
how I see at the moment - she enjoys my attraction and she wants it
directed - and not allowing much but sometimes giving some to keep up
the energy going...
And as long I participate even with a slightest action - instead of
directly speaking up and not going anywhere but remaining HERE - I am
not here as myself but as of personality, energized and directed by
desire what is in fact self dishonesty because I want something to
experience what I perceive as separated...

So this is quite direct, how I lose my stability within the desire -
as in fact I don't want to meet her so much - and then when she
approaches - I say 'yes, cool, I can face her' - and then I see
points, yes - but in fact many times for several moments - I move
within the act of desire - then I 'wake up' so to speak - and then I
face myself - because sometimes even I have the tendency to 'becoming
cold serious' - to try to 'protect' myself from my desire - but then
it is obviously a polarity overbalancing - instead of remain here as

So it is strange enough to see that I am still facing the same point
of simply sexual desire regardless of the persons - and it is not an
excuse that with my partner it did not work as I wanted - because I
still allowed to compound sexual energy what made me move simply
towards an another woman - instead of not accepting myself as
energetic mind - but to stop and stop and stop and forgive and stop.
So this two letters I will blog out - it is obviously should be out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to
fulfill my desires with woman - instead of realizing that I am here -
and all of my desires comes from the starting point of
self-separation, therefore I wont be fulfilled by following any
I forgive myself that i went into the energetic playout of personality
manifestation by allowing myself to being attracted to any woman even
for a moment - because when I do so - I am not here as breath - but I
am within the energetic mind - what is conditional, preprogrammed and
limited and in fact not real, it is not who I really am - therefore I
realize - all of desires - is not of life. Desire wants me to go there
- but I can be only here.

I forgive myself that I placed trust into G. act about to being
stopped within my act of sexual desire - instead of me myself here I
stop, I direct, I breathe - because as I place my starting point as
trust into something outside of myself - I am not trusting myself here

1 comment:

Marlen said...

Cool Tala for sharing this Here, brutal self honesty - thank you