Showing posts with label system. Show all posts
Showing posts with label system. Show all posts

Monday, November 24, 2014

[JTL Day 209] Open Source Investigation part 2 - Is it really Free?

I continue with Open Source, starting with the phenomenon called Free Software and leaning to the idea of 'Free and Freedom'.

There is a movement initiated by Richard Stallman and the Free Software Foundation (http://fsf.org)

Reading through Stallman's explanation on how and why he advocates exclusively only to Free software in opposing Open Source - as I get his conclusion it is that 'free software is freedom' and Open source is still 'of interests'.

https://www.gnu.org/philosophy/open-source-misses-the-point.html

" Open source is a development methodology; free software is a social movement. For the free software movement, free software is an ethical imperative, essential respect for the users' freedom. By contrast, the philosophy of open source considers issues in terms of how to make software “better”—in a practical sense only. It says that non-free software is an inferior solution to the practical problem at hand. Most discussion of “open source” pays no attention to right and wrong, only to popularity and success.

For the free software movement, however, non-free software is a social problem, and the solution is to stop using it and move to free software."

Here comes Stallman's idea of real difference:

"A pure open source enthusiast, one that is not at all influenced by the ideals of free software, will say,

-“I am surprised you were able to make the program work so well without using our development model, but you did. How can I get a copy?” This attitude will reward schemes that take away our freedom, leading to its loss.

The free software activist will say,

-“Your program is very attractive, but I value my freedom more. So I reject your program. I will get my work done some other way, and support a project to develop a free replacement.” If we value our freedom, we can act to maintain and defend it.""

Open source means I can look into the source code - it's literally and absolutely transparent, I can fork(reuse) and modify it but after that, I can restrict the modified source's usage, I can make profit out of it to personal(corporate) interest as it does not enforce copyleft* and thus someone can develop closed-source software/product based on the code/knowledge.

* "What is Copyleft?

Copyleft is a general method for making a program (or other work) free, and requiring all modified and extended versions of the program to be free as well."

So, after this programmer introduction - I am asking what can be learned from this in terms of humanity/political/economic perspective?

The creations of "Open" can be monetized and it's further development can be "Closed/Non-free", while the "Free" means that in no way can be monetized, and it will always remain "Open and Free".

The idea is that with Open Source - the information can be shared and distributed transparently and effectively - which can be beneficial for catalyzing research and development and the reason is that corporations (even the big ones) do this, is that their 'interest' is maximizing their effectiveness, which is obviously: profit.

The point of profit is not 'evil' itself - if it's within a holistic principle of considering all participants equally, because our current human system is ingrained with monetary flow to such an extent that it is what keeps it alive - without this kind of 'interest' - there is not enough effective movement even for effective operation/surviving(infrastructure/electricity/food/transport/health care etc).

That is why the Free source is not yet that widely effective, because only few individuals do actually decide to create like that, who are able to have access to the basic requirements for living. If someone can't have food/shelter/healthy living perspective, it's obvious that the priority is to secure that - responsibility for family/surroundings is common sense, however it is crucial to invest into education of the individuals on what impact and consequence we are all accumulating with our decisions and actions.

Also it does not require to have a doctorate about quantum physics or rocket science to figure out that in a way we all are having impact on how the whole system operates, in fact mostly it is greater than we think - it is not difficult to be occupied and overwhelmed by our personal responsibilities that losing or never even had the bigger picture.

To develop skills to be able to investigate and understand effectively not only the personal, interpersonal but the universal levels of energy, resources, dynamics and interconnectedness of all participants within our human systems is also not just possible but very much needed to understand how much inequality and lack of real compassion is happening with actual people's conscience and very few are able to aim real support - and it is not charity I refer to, but to be able to find and access the core of the problems with our morality, the economic and monetary exploitation and deliberate abuse.

It is to understand that currently corporations are part of the already manifested inequality, separation but they are also keeping the system alive so to speak in terms of fueling infrastructure, common good and even the basics for living: electricity, food, basic services.

That is why doing riots, anarchist rage-protests, blame game cannot be a solution, because the participants of that do not even get that they would be the first line to suffering the consequence of the havoc they are willing to wreck, because emotions are in the way to see things through. But in fact we can only take responsibility for acceptances and allowances in terms of our real freedom we personally give away when not standing up to, not only for our own self-interest but for all others equally too.

The current schema for government/political/economic and corporate management is of 'Closed source' thus the details of the hidden agendas cannot be seen thus it is not obvious where the effectiveness, the common welfare of the population is being blocked and also being not obvious why and these questions has to be answered in order to be able to understand what are the facts in order to be able to change the systems what are determining our lives.

Free source and free software is really a great idea and in fact the people are creating those values also has to eat, have shelter, life support, which are not free within this current economic, political, law system. Even if the individuals/groups, who are researching, developing these intellectual values have access to those requirements for a healthy living, there is monetary flow within that support, which is undoubtedly interconnected with the money system as a whole.

Therefore it is also to recognize that the idea of 'Free' can be understood as really just being an 'idea', but interesting to realize also that the starting point of the whole money system as 'need to compete to survive' is also an idea, just it's within everybody's head and thus being played out becoming physical reality with real consequences, which of many are irreversible.

However to recognize the starting point of the strive towards freedom, Free Source, the General Public License - to create something what is for everybody equally: it is something what can be investigated and used as a model for the future within the interest of what is best for all.

Freedom is also an interesting concept - let not go into that - yet -, rather explore some Open Source initiatives:

Open Source Government: http://www.opengovguide.com/

Open Government Plan: https://osc.gov/Resources/OSC_Open-Govt-Plan_Nov2014.pdf

Open Source Ecology: http://opensourceecology.org/ 

to be continued...

Monday, October 21, 2013

[JTL 124] Fantasy, mystical: letting go part 2

Continuing on Fantasy, Imagination as it is some sort of systematic.

When participating within fantasy, fairytale, a world of myths - the mind kicks in with a form of:

How real is the illusion?

The capacity to become obsessed with the imagination and adoring it's beauty and adoring that beauty within it's reflection within my mind.

And to adore the creation of this perfect illusion.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to adore the obsession about fantasy, imagination, illusion about how perfect it is and how anything detail is not pulling me back so I can just feel the feeling it's perfection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessed with validating perfection within lost in the details of illusion and defining it as normal to judge a fantasy image, world, sound to determine is it cool to fly or is not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is alright to enjoy a fantasy, an illusion, but to become obsessed with it, it's image, it's likeness while disregarding physical reality is self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself do have knowledge and information about what is original fantasy and how it should look like and what entails within it and what not for instance a dwarf with axe yes but with a laser gun not and having tons of rules what illusionary being is within which fantasy world and reacting to the matching, error-finding as 'perfectionism' while only reacting to memory, comparing with thoughts and in fact it is subjective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always go into the details of fantasy and imagination in order to find errors, mistakes, odds to be able to say, it is not perfect so then I am perfect within my perfect knowledge meanwhile disregarding physical reality here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an analytical mind with which I can compartmentalize, categorize, segregate and judge, define, react to parts of my perception, regardless of it is real physical experience or imaginary as fantasy in my mind only or picture, screen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust experience and knowledge instead of trusting myself always directly here.

I forgive myself that I have not realized that when I look at something and I think it as fantasy, I check my feeling reactions, do I have cool feeling or not and not realizing that it is automatic, based on my memory, previous reactions to similar things and my thoughts what will stimulate, suggest, direct me to react and within re-defining myself I will define this process as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in the mind to not be present here and define the undefined and then define my defining of undefined as who I am and completely miss the point here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define adorable to observe fantasy what I've defined as perfect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adore creation of fantasy what I've defined as beautiful, perfect, nice based on my reactions, feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adore the persons who create fantasy what I've defined as perfect in my mind by not finding errors in it and matching my expectations about what is the proper, perfect kind of fantasy.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that fantasy is not real, only in the mind and it is alright to enjoy it as fantasy, but to disregard what is here, to escape from physical presence into fantasy is of fear, not self-honest, must be stopped.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can enjoy myself and express myself without any memory, any fantasy, any imagination but be here, in and as the physical.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Why I use birth name

I use my birth name on internet.

Internet is full of fake names and imaginary titles - we are outnumbered with sources of information, what are coming from simply almost untraceable sources for the public and by that - basically anyone can say, state or attack anything without taking Self-Responsibility.
When I was in highschool - I was playing RolePlayGame - and I was playing the elf wizard of Talamon - in that time I was very introverted, suppressive in my physical approach - however with this person of Talamon within the RPG game(basically acting as this self-made character) - I could express that what I perceived as I could not do so directly physically as myself.
This personality I've become in a way - and I had issues with my birth name, with my surname and with my family name as well - my father was named also as Jozsef Berta, his father was also Jozsef Berta and who knows what chain of reproduction ended up with me but as I perceived this family, as I perceived my father - I did not want to be like that, I did not want to become as him because he was completely lost within ideas of consciousness and he ended up drinking alcohol heavily and then he slowly but surely destroyed himself and ended up in psychiatry and then he died alone in the forest sunk in a pit with full of water nearby the road - alone and lost.
I've gowned up in his shadow and my mother was fully fearful of myself becoming like him - so resonantly I've also participated within this fear - and I wanted to separate myself from my father and my family as much as possible in order to not become like him or like the members who I shared places with because of 'family'.
I could not deal with this directly, instead of I've created a person myself - who I wanted to be, who and what I've perceived myself to want to be - this is how and why I've created 'Talamon', who is
not like all of the Jozsef Bertas, who I knew - it 'felt like' a fresh start - and when I've played the role play game - when I was speaking out this Talamon character - the borders washed away - as the people around me started to call and refer me as Talamon, and when I went to university - also on internet I participated with the name of Talamon. I've created a reality wherein I was known as Talamon - without the direct influence of my Birth Name, of my family, of my direct physical reality.

I felt like I could not exist as Jozsef Berta as I had fears of I might become like my father - and I was absolutely sure that this is not the way to walk this Earthly Life, so I've created this Personality of Talamon in my mind - what I wanted to be - and by years walking, by travelling as, by experimenting with psychedelic drugs and communicating with people as Talamon - I was able to develop new expressions - however the foundation, as Jozsef Berta was never directly faced, dealt with - so the mixture of it was quite ambigous, unsure, twisted and unstable wherein all directly manifested: Physically.

As Talamon - I was smmoth, expressive, artistic and strong - within my mind at least - and as the physical being, as Jozsef Berta - I was suppressive, nervous, self-doubted and self-judgmental. However these started to mix up in a way wherein I was not the directive principle as myself as presence - but constantly battling and waving around personality manifestations within myself according to impulses from outside - I had issues with practicality and effectiveness - what I've judged extensively - and finally I felt myself as a constant, huge shitmess - when time to time I've proven myself to be lost from situations to situations until I've directly faced the very close opportunity to die some times and I've realized that this cannot work really. In that time I was not aware of the How or the Why - I simply physically faced myself in a way what was obviously shouting: if I continue like this - I accumulate the probability of death. Because of that degree of abdicating self-responsibility as considering what I participate within the Physical.

After 'subconsciously' - because I did not want to admit directly - almost physically experiencing my 'complete lost'-ness - I was desperately seeking new opportunities to come out from this madness.

When I found Desteni Group - I was full of ideas, knowledge, judgments and opinions - influenced by different agendas and I was unsure how to release my shit - what I just started to realize by embracing the Desteni material.
By the support of the people at Desteni Forum I was able to realize how and why I am constantly fighting within and as myself and slowly but surely exhausting myself as Physical Being - meanwhile all of my ideas and knowledge - was in fact justifications for why I do not Stand up for Myself as Life and Change. I simply realized Oneness and Equality as the basic Principle within all - and how this can assist me to realize what I am accepting and allowing within my reality - where my responsibility is.

By starting Self Forgiveness - I started to explore the 'why' - why I am participating within manifestations what are in fact not lasting, what are of delusions. There were some outstanding issues what I almost literally 'thought' "I was unable to forgive to myself" - so I started on these points - and the more I wrote, the more I expressed my decision to change, my standing up to my past - the more I understood the details of why and how I accepted myself in a way from where I was unable to shunt from. By writing the Self Forgiveness sentences specifically, directly to my self-accepted excuses and justifications - I started to accumulate Self-Will, Self-Empowerment, Self-Direction - to be able simply breath through inner reactions what I've programmed into myself - this is the real deal - because the effectiveness is withint he specificity.

Next point was to face how an other being can experience me physically within me as me, when the Tree of Life support was temporally introduced within the Desteni I Process, if you did not watch this interview - you should do so - at first it was quite intense to face in a way - and other way it was a huge relief as I always wanted somebody to directly say how I am because I've noticed that from my point of view, I was unable to see myself as the camera by itself also can not record itself, as the sword can not cut itself etcetc lol.
Here is the Video link of SRA Structural Resonance Alignment Research Desteni Talamon
(Note that this kind of support is not available currently as the Structural Resonance Alignment within DesteniIProcess is now works as a Life Coaching course - within walking that - One can Face Self Directly and embrace the tools with one can stop self-dishonesties).

Watching that interview I could not argue with that - it was all exposed - somewhere, somehow I always 'felt like' this, but I could not see myself in this way I was not aware of how far I went within self-suppression and self-anger - and by realizing how I am - I had to realize that there is no justification or excuse with what I could live anymore to accept myself as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become Physically(because Physical is what we can deal with, where we can Unify ourselves within Equality and Oneness Ethernally).
No spiritual agenda, no religious view, no shamanistic bullshit I could participate within anymore within Self-Honesty - and at one point I realized the following:
"Each and every single human being is equally responsible for the current manifestation of Earth."

Participating within Process - I started to face what I was escaping from within the Physical - for instance the DNA and verbal programming coming from my family - and I've realized - I can stand up for this and I can stop participate within the preprogrammed influences of the mind - I can stand up for my father - I can actually be who I always was within my life - József Berta. Because the knowledge and information what I've defined Berta József as my family - I can embrace and I can CHANGE within and as my direct reality. So I've started to face the issues of my birth name and not separate myself within perceptions through the mind - but be József Berta, be Talamon, be everything I've created.

Within the Desteni Group - we've decided to Take Full Responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to manifest Physically - and the Self Responsibility must be Located, Tracked, Shared unconditionally in a way where we stop deceiving ourselves and others and start to explore how to Live within Equality and Oneness Physically - by embracing our past, present, future breath by breath.

As Jozsef Berta, as myself, as who I was, as who I am and who I will be - at this moment is within and as this Human Physical Body - what is within the current Human System - with an ID, with a Birth Name - and this Physical Location is always Direct, Simple, Obvious, Physical and Real.
This 'Person', this Man, this Human, this Body - this Mind Consciousness System(systems of thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, suppressions, desires, fears) - at this moment what is my Self-Responsibility, and can be referred as Jozsef Berta.
From the System's perspective - government, bank, school, tax, "health-don't Care" system, workplace, army, law etc - I am undoubtedly József Berta.

What I've manifested by this Self-Created Personality as Talamon what I've participated and made myself known by many people - is also what I've accepted and allowed myself to manifest and in a way also 'Physically' become - is also my Self-Responsibility.
My Self-Responsibility to see what is practical, what is walkable, what is supporting Life within myself and stop what is abusive.

I stand up for All Life, I stand up for All as One as Equal as Life, also to stand up for those who can not to - for a Global Change, for exploring ways to manifest Equality Physically.
And to make it valid - I share myself as my Birth name - as I am embracing from where I am 'coming' - as I was born into a system wherein I am identified by my birth name - I stand up within the System as the System - by standing up and sharing myself as the following:
I was born as József Berta within this system and I am standing up - as this Physical Body - everyone can see, this is who I was, this is who I am, this is the Principle what I am walking by and there is no hidden agenda, there is no fake name what behind I can do whatever I am being pleased to without being exposed - that's Self-Responsibility.
Simply being able to look into anyone's eyes and no shame at all - the only way to develop infinite Self-Will is to accumulate and integrate myself into and as the Physical reality as a stable, constant, untouched, expression what stands for all Equally wherein we can exist in harmony, wherein noone have to exist in poverty and live in terror of war - and I want to give equal opportunities for all life. This like I would be if I would be the Creator. And this is how will going to be. As I am Creation, I am Creator, I am Created - one and equal, Here, within and as the Physical.
There is no 'bigger picture than this'.

I am interested in Real People, who also can Stand Up and want Change, I am interested in practicality of What is Best for All.

So I am directly identifying myself as Talamon József Berta - and in fact there are many József Berta-s in this Matrix, there are many Talamon-s you can find, but at this moment this two together can pinpoint my location wherein you can find, trace, locate and directly access me as Physical.

Physical - because Here we can Stand Together within Unification - as all currently existing miriads of Dimensions of Consciousness Systems - and in fact the Physical is the only one what is really relevant - the only one what if we remove from the equation we cease to exist.

And within the currently manifested Human System - we must sort out the dishonesties and delusions of other dimensions from the mind(thoughts, feelings, emotions etc) - by Aligning ourselves with and As the Physical without Perceived Separation to Unconditionally grant Dignified Life for all within Physical Equality at least in the 'level of' Basic Living as Food, Shelter, Education and Health Care.
Until that is not done - until each human borns with practically equal opportunities (Equal Money for all) - I am not interested within any self-interested agendas and those must be released unconditionally within the principle of What is Best For All.

That is what This Physically Located name, as Talamon József Berta is referring to at the moment.

I am even considering to take up the Talamon surname as well 'officially' within the system to simply embrace everything what I've participated within and as Creation to stop any personality-manifestations within myself.

Therefore I dare you to share yourself being accessible with your Birth Name - and take full responsibility for what you are participating, broadcasting, sharing, resonating - within the principle of What is Best for All. Because if you do not so - then you can be questioned that you are not dealing with Real issues, you are not standing up unconditionally for All and therefore you might be harm for the Walking Equals.
I do not 'care', even if many people refer somebody as 'good person' or 'peaceful' or 'talented' or 'nice' - these are dwarfed within the equation of What is Best for All.
I understand that from the starting point where from all humans 'start' so to speak - this might sound as losing self - but if we investigate our daily life, participation - the hours spent by people who can have money to buy 'heavenly moments' - can be questioned by the point of view of those who can not even afford to eat properly. Your agenda could be anything, a great golf playing experience, or enormous artist activity or watching the greatest movie or having the most intense sex - or even spending millions for the sake of your 'miracoluous family love' - please love thyneighbour as thyself unconditionally because otherwise you are just an another organic robot who is full of justifications and excuses of self-interest - regardless of your mental and emotional intent of world peace and great om spiritual enlightened blahblah - in fact in the REAL physical level - you act as an active obsticle against manifesting Equality.

What I did not include within this Equation before is that this is a process as who I am physically has been manifested through constant and continuous participation within consciousness system - but by participating within DesteniIProcess, Applying Self-Forgiveness, Exploring practical ways to accumulate Actions within the Physical - one can Align Self Physically slowly but surely with and as All as one As Equal as Life - breath by breath, moment by moment, day by day, month by month, year by year until it's done.
I have the tendency to jump into conclusions within my mind by 'thinking fast' - and redefining myself only within my mental dimensions - while in fact, physically I am not changing - therefore it is imperative to walk this process step by step PHYSICALLY, ensuring that I am not deceiving myself with an other self-definition system. Therefore we urge everybody(every physical body) who can afford the luxury of Internet - to share themselves who they really are within starting point and within the current Physical Expression - because this is reality, we must breath and walk out from the mind-delusions - but alone it is barely impossible - that's why we form a Group wherein we do not accept anything less than who we really are as Life. And by walking as a group - we see what it takes to bring about a change to manifest dignified life for all.

And within the current manifestations on Earth - within this Human System - within the Current Money System - we must form a Group wherein we can assist and support ourselves and each other within exploring practial equality - for the group's sake - we must embrace principles in which we do not compromise the Equality Equation within and As the Group by accepting Abdication of Self Responsibility for instance as existing and sharing by fake names - because to speak and write anyone can do - but to LIVE the same Equally - as becoming the Physical Living Words - we must ensure that the ones are walking are Real Persons.

It's like when TrueLove555 channel makes a comment of 'it is not true, love is the solution' - (just an example) - is like physically you do not take responsibility, but hiding behind an idea what physically was never real - and you are in masks where others can not see who you are - and therefore if you participate within abuse - you can not be physically located, you can hide and say whatever you want so - we, as a Group - do not accept this, and if you can not give up your imaginary personalities - you can not be part of the Group wherein Equals are walking - because you could be a compromise for all in the group.
Therefore I dare you to share yourself with your Real Name.

I even would enjoy if anyone's thoughts could be publically accessible - much of the abuse would be more obvious and directly 'manageable' within the Principle of What is Best for All. But it might manifest HELL on earth big time as the Mind Demons - what are human systems taking over the body - physically abuse Self.

That's why we BLOG, we VLOG - what you see is maybe imperfection, but by sharing my Self-forgiveness for instance regarding to fears, desires - I am stating that I am actually forgiving myself to stop myself accepting myself, I am becoming aware how and why I started to participate within desires, fears - I am actually making a public statement for everyone and for everything equally - that I take Full Self Responsibility for what I've accepted and allowed to be, but from now on I am finding practical ways to STOP to do so as I am the Directive Principle of My life and for my Reality, for Existence.
Because for instance this shared fear, desire is not really who I am as Life - but at this moment I've manifested it, so as I've created it - in the same way I can STOP - I can stop my participation within FEAR.
Because if I do share my Self-dishonesty - and I do not share - at least I share with the world that these are my issues, please be aware that you should not accept me remain within this self-dishonesty - if I would not change - if my Self-Forgiveness would not be real - then I might need Self-Assistance and daring everyone to not accept me within my self-dishonesties.

That's why if somebody is Walking the Process as Birth Name, as sharing Self-dishonesties, Self-forgiveness, Self-Realizations, Self-Corrective examples - constantly and consistently - unconditionally - and the Physical change is obvious within the Way of Living, within the Expressions - then this is where Birthing Life from the Physical Starts.

When One walks like this - re- and re-aligning Self within Process with and as The Physical - sharing all the shit what comes up - and releasing self-definitions by sharing, by forgiving self - One is directly Facing Self, walking the Practical Self-Realization, Unification, Self-Perfection.

This is who I am, this is what I've redefined as Value, This is What I support, this is what I stand for and what is really relevant is how we accept ourselves as Humanity, as Animals, as Nature, as Plants, as Earth; existing and what really matters is simply What is Best For All.

That's why we focus on Equal Money - because each is involved with the money issue, by what everyone is directly responsible who is participating within the Current Money System - the Blood of the Human System currently - 'current' - 'currency - rent' - and by re-defining Value as Life - not as greed, not as surviving - we can Stand up for Poverty, Famine, War, Genocide, Abuse etc - as most of them is because of the people has no money and without money humans are degraded to the level of resources or machines what will end up in dumpyards without any compassion. Because currently even the idea of compassion is related to money. Love is of money, the perception of 'life' is related to money.

And that's why we must Stand up in All Levels of Humanity to take Self-Responsibility without any Separation, without any exception - the God of Man is the Physical is currently being driven by Money. That's why We must introduce a temporally solution which by Humans can release this Hypnotic Trance/Vibration to be slaves of Money.
That's why we push the point of Equal Money - to bring about a Dignified Life for All.

Thank you very much:
Talamon József Berta.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Facing some energy, fear, resistance to try Agreement



This is who I am


I write directly here.

I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.

I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.

I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.

This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.

So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.

I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.

Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.

In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.

Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?

At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.

But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...

Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...

I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.

My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.

At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.


So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.

I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.

Every day blogging I am.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Statement

At the moment we must expand to become such a directive principle within the current system without any judgement, definition, inner movement or any energetic separation - to embrace, infiltrate, emerge, amalgamate and unify everything of the system within and as ourselves without separation to be able to direct it as ourselves within the starting point of Oneness and Equality as All as One as Equal as Life.
In fact this is a real test of our practical understanding of who we really are within and as the physical and to act within the principle of what is best for all. The more I write about this - the more I see that my accepted personality is in the way - so it must be stopped, released, forgiven and transcended absolutely, constantly in order to become effective as who I really am as Creation.