This is who I am
I write directly here.
I am facing some sort of fear - diarrhea manifested, so it is fascinating.
I Let go of self definition, I let go of self addiction to energetic experiences of the mind.
I let go everything what is not physically here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing myself instead of realizing that I am going to face myself as myself anyways - the question is that do I face myself directly by self direction by decision or do I face with myself indirectly by letting consequences of my expression face me, direct me, control me.
I chose to face myself here. This is not a choice who I am - I face myself here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to share myself with another beings within the judgment of (as self-judgment) I wait for something, or I am not satisfied with my expression so I hold back - instead of realizing that by holding back myself - I am not able to walk - so I let go - I let go of fear, I let go of fear from judgment, I let go of fear from failure, I let go of fear from being lost.
I am here.
I describe how I physically 'feel':
Along my backbone - something like a shivering energy crawles, mostly from down to upwards, from the solar plexus area - and that's it - I can also describe it as a cold-like freeze covers up alongside of my backbone, and as it 'goes' up - it feels like there are this ice-spikes manifesting on this freezing movement - but then it's all gone - then after some moments it comes again - and in fact I feel cold. Even when I wear three clothes, this backbone-centered freezing goes on and on - until I realize and breath.
This system requires realization - this system is of me as me - compounded self-suppression energy by self-definition, self-judgement, what is being experienced within me because of I am not able to contain the situation within me - I suppressed it all - and then no more - it is being exposed - it is being experienced within and as me.
So the practical walk would be not fear from facing with my partner unconditionally - not separating her - not allowing to prone to any energy addiction - sexual desire, direct physical sexual energy, or even coffee or at the office my favorite jar from which I drink water every workday.
I also noticed that my not direct fear is related to the self-definition about who I defined myself to be and when I am not alone for longer than some days - I want to be alone, I want to do things myself, I want to be separated -- this polarity what would pull to be among humans and then I would want to be alone - is of the mind.
Who I really am is not dependant on who I am with - or am I with someone or not - if I make conditions about who I am, how I act, speak regarding to other people - then who I am if not of that condition which to I submit myself to?
It is unacceptable to not be myself alone or with anyone. Myself as breath, as absolute self honesty, as self-expression.
Okay, this energetic cold waving is no more - but I did not faced it directly - only was a step.
In a way, this physical experience is similar to when I enormously compound sexual energy what makes me feel really cold, and the same kind of energies I experience within me - but that one is more rude experience, and also my genitals are in pain and only constant and stable breathing 'through' can assist to stop it - and by each stop - as I stop the system within me as me as myself within oneness and equality - slowly I understand myself, and I can be aware of the conditions, and I can direct myself to stop participate within these conditions, these if/then-s who I defined myself to be - based on a starting point of not who I really am as Life as Breath - so I can not trust any self definition.
I can not trust in any self-created delusion, only breath, the physical I trust as HERE as touch, experience directly.
Also I experience that as I stop participate within desire, sexual desire - it compounds - tests me extensively - I am being tested by myself - my decision can stand or not?
At this moment I have an opportunity to start to experiment with Agreement - my two trials were not really Agreement-based, but my knowledge about Agreement were being tested and these did not stand - it was not only myself, it was the other being also(the girl) - and at this two occasions - the girls had no idea about what Agreement would be...
But at this time it's different - she is very curious, studies what Agreement would be, and she wants to be self honest - she does not write bog, do vlog, but she understands some already.
So she proposed this Agreement, but in fact - before this - we did some occasions of sex, and as I see - her starting point is of sex, desire - not only - she wants to change, wants to stand up, to understand, to direct herself - so that's not a problem - but my plan is to travel away in 5 months, so I am not sure that it would be great to start to form an agreement for 5 months only.
But I said, for 5 months we could try, but I am not sure she is aware of the desteni material enough(surely not), so she is studying and translating the material anyway, and asks a lot - we will see....
Basically I have a resistance towards her - I do not say I do not like her but somehow I do not want to meet with her regularly - so there is a point what I do not want to face - that's cool...
Also I enjoy not having desire after her - So no energy moves towards her, but at the moment, there is an energy what wants me to pull back from her -- at first I judged this as 'she is not great for agreement' - but then I realized - it's my issue, not her - and in fact we can enjoy ourselves if we are not of definitions, we do enjoy sexual expression, she is facing her past extensively - and she wants to change, wants to express Self Forgiveness, so I enjoy being with her and assist her and she started to say directly about me and those are not really 'nice' - thats very cool - she assists me in realizing what I am accepting and allowing...
I almost decided to walk with her for months then - but still something pulls me back, that's why I write about it...
Common sense say, enjoy agreement and then enjoy breath and self honesty.
So we already do this, but to make it more stable - we will meet and speak again about it.
My 'excuse' was about Agreement that there is no a girl who can 'comprehend' desteni material in practice - and without that, Agreement is not really possible - so it is a cool opportunity.
At weekend I faced already a point - while she was here at my place - after a while, I did not do my 'todo' things - but we ended up in bed hugging and speaking - and sometimes sex, but after the sex thing happened some times - I realized - I did the same with most of the girls in my past - and it started with my ex-wife, at university, when we came together finally(about after a year yearning, desiring, suffering from 'love' lol), then we all day were in bed and hugging and speaking and that's it - and it was like a mind-state what feel great, that I did not want to stop.
So it is cool to face that again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of her because I defined to 'have' a girl is rare.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to 'have' a girl instead of standing as beings as equals as Life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use girl and stay in bed with her - to escape from my reality, from what I am experiencing, from what I must do, from who I became as Mind Consciousness System.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to stop and exploring self expression within the presence of an other human.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest resistance towards girls, towards relationship, towards agreement to not wanting to face myself directly with a partner, instead of realizing that this could be really assisting if I stand and express self honesty within every moment.
So I stop fear, I stop procrastinate, I stop judge, I stop hesitate, I stop escape, I stop being in bed all day to not need to do my todos, instead of realizing that my todo-s are me, if I do not do my todo as me - I am not living myself unconditionally.
I will continue to share myself and assist her within self forgiveness and she already offered her presence to assist self - doing videos, speaking about points, she would be around me to see - can I do my expressions as I would do alone when she is here?
That would be cool, so at weekend, we will see.
Every day blogging I am.