Thursday, January 20, 2011


Fascinating to explore sickness within and as my human physical body, then to see how I am the cause and then the effect as well.
I got this flu-like stuff, came full power, fast, does not last more than days then it's fading, left me with some tissue pain...
Fascinating, last week I also got something nasty, that came with vomit, diarrhea, big fever and it 'felt like' stomach-related.
This time it was more head-centered(mostly with pain) but more likely the whole body was involved.
Last week I visited doctor, but doctor is also sick, and at my 'doctor's place' - there are 3 doctors are working - and at this time - they are all offsick, so there is one substitution - so only one must handle all sick people of the district. I had to wait almost 5 hours there until I was able to get in. It was really exhausting to be there for that long.
So this time, regardless of my fever, body pain - I decided to stay at work. It was really something to push myself to sit there and try to work - my 'working speed' was like 1/4 - my brain was working so slow, doing my regular programming job was like a dream...except the fact that physical pain and feeling really cold - what brought me HERE when I flew away within my mind for moments - this tendency when unpleasant I got - to imagine then, to leave reality, to escape - but this is unacceptable.
At work there was a scheduled meeting with my boss, I was just about to ask him how long before I should tell him that I would leave the company when he told me that I got some salary increase, so then I did not say anything about that, this time.
I never was kicked out from any workplace - I always left by myself, somewhere I built up this desire to be kicked out - many people around me told me that they experienced this several times - I was fascinated about this - how this would affect me? Whatever.

So, about the sick story, yesterday night I was able to crawl into my bed very early and slept and sweat a lot in my polar sweater(the name lol) - what always helps to push out intense sicknesses - this time also helped - in the morning regardless the huge head pain - I felt better, so today I worked again - this time it was much less unpleasant, yet I still 'feel' some fever, and tissuepain, so it is still working, so tonight I rather stay in bed, and tomorrow I will see about the visit to doctor is necessary or not.

I say, my 'sickness' always comes when I am not sure about where to how to walk - this is unacceptable.
I do not seek - I am here. I do not escape, I am here.

I experienced some self-judgment also, it is more likely a todo-list I am writing about what I do generally, what to do - and recently this list only grows, and that made me concerned - and also with the girl I spent time with - I had some excuses to be with her meanwhile simply I wanted to be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be alone, instead of reailzing I am here as all as one as equal, no separation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from other's judgment - so then I rather would be alone than facing my self-created self-judgment projected to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after what is not physically here - so then I experience this 'missing' - then I miss me - I do not experience me - I separate me from myself - what breaks down self-trust, self-will, so I STOP.
I stop seeking there, I start directing HERE.

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