Sunday, July 19, 2009

Raware

Am I directing myself here or am I allowing myself to be influenced?
Who I am is the question in every moment - am I this acceptance and allowance what I stand up for and as and stop the self-dishonesty once and for all.
I've decided to make 21 day stopping stuffs - two of these I've chosed specifically, regarding to my current situation: coffee and masturbation.
So After two weeks I've been busy with masturbation and in fact
I did not wanted to suppress the sexual expression - but I simply wanted to reveal more that how and why I build up sexual-related energy? Because it is obvious that when I allow myself to desire, by tending to participate within looks, physical movements(looking back to a nice one for instance - a'la 'woman in the red dress' syndrome) or even thoughts(tiny, fast 'random access memory'-like picture-pop-ups within my head) - that is building up this compounded energetic entity within and as myself and it is well conditioned and totally predictable - and mostly ends in a need, urge to release.
And this release mostly was with my partner, but then when I got back face to face with relationship - I defined it as avoidable.
Also I did not wanted to fuck up girls mind about with several sexual occasions and when they start to experience the self-deception called 'love' - and I say 'no more' - they remain fucked -- so this is absolutely unacceptable.
Besides I realized that I never met any girl within my life who I had these 'requirements' related to how and why I want to live with somebody - I mean they are so different, and even now they are 'planning to' 'have love', or some occupations what I do not want to participate such as 'build a family with love and property' -- so after some emotional scars - the facing of my responsibility held back to engage into any relationship stuffs - also I defined that first: I sort out myself and then will see what next -- and people are almost laughing at me because they say - 'first relationship, then self realization' and I mean wtf...
But the sexual participation shows my typical attitude within consciousness: total avoidance of something(woman, alcohol, drugs, meat etc) or simply doing it with the most possible intensity until I decide to stop.
----
So when I direct myself to move - and I do not change when I am alone -- I mean: "I do not change when I am not alone" - I even not consider to participate within the energetic experience of masturbation.
But when I am all alone, and I tend to be get tired, yet I judged myself about 'I want more experience, not even about sex, but not want to sleep' and 'I already gave myself into the experience of tiredness' - I strive for escape from this energetic condition.
Before it - was the drugs - I mean just roll a joint or inhale some intense smokes and I was full of energy and I was able to make myself busy for more of couple hours...
But it had price and here I put these things down, so totally sober I am facing with myself.
Interesting observation that everything is connected to tiredness, fear and regret.
How? At the end of the whole shitstorm - I experience tiredness.
This tiredness is of the 'giving my power away' - literally feeding off the mind consciousness system by life as human physical body. Each thought has it's own signature what is of energy of polarity. This habit, as addiction manifests as my head is full of shit - full of thoughts - and each thought makes me literally weaker. At one point I even have the changing of perception by experiencing the existence on a somekind of 'less intense level', because everything is energy based - so fucked up. Then as I defined myself to be - as this 'high vibrating energy system' - is in trouble, so I strive for immediate cure for this lack of energy.
The coffee, drugs, sex has it's own energetic experience within my existence - so these I relate with. And then as I regularly tend to use these - I define myself as these things - as one as equal - and I am of it, as it.

Ok this stuffs I realized long ago but actually I write it down, so it lasts.


And let's see - here is a release - for instance having sex - with myself or with a girl, from this point - the totally same: I have a release - the compounded energy dissipates.
Some energy goes to the mind system directly - and I am less energetic.
Some energy just goes away - before probably went into the big one mind system as existence with the reptilian shit(see desteni, heaven etc) - but at this moment it forms my reality one and equal.

And there is no excuse about why I do this, or why I do not stand up.
For a certain point - I can say - I am exploring, I am experimenting - - but when once I came to a conclusion about something is necessary to be stopped -- then I have to stop - because if I am not stopping - I am not honest with myself, so I am not real from the point of who I perceive myself to be and who I really am is not one and equal so one of this is not real - and therefore my starting point is the one what is not real, so everything what I do comes from this illusion and therefore who I am is not real as well.

But when I actually dare myself to stop a habit - what is for instance an addiction or a simple self-fucking as self-dishonesty -- and I do not stop practically, totally - then I am just playing about the idea of stop - because of something what still keeps me 'back' from stepping forth so to speak - walking trough the past.

And the last point about this to consider that how I direct myself - how I handle myself within situations such as this STOP.
The already existing personality design can easily suggest to FORCE something to stop.
This is kind of fighting - I fight against something and I go into battles - I win and then I loose and I win and loose and it practically does not stop.
So somehow the embracing of stopping without fighting - this is what I am actually exploring - and makes me fall I can say - but these are not falls - only moments when I realize that this change was not real as it did not stood the 'claws of time' - so I dig deeper, I open myself up more and I specify the self-directiveness and embracing by and as awareness the whole situation of myself where and as I am at the moment - here.

How much I can bullshit instead of writing directly without any 'random' or intellectual addenums?

It is necessary to stop defining myself as pictures.
Because yesterday I realized when I was on a some form of beach - I am abusing myself when I define beings according to their physical shape.
I am abusing the equality within myself by determining myself according to picture presentation of beings.
Self interest I find this what makes me bend over and with pictures what I perceive trough my human physical eyes.
Yes, I can see trough my eyes - but the keyword is 'when I want' - and simply when I want - I still want to see trough, because of self-interest and therefore as it is already has the condition and starting point of self-interest - it is not absolute, it is not real so better to release the whole construct and breathing as presence and express and express.
Better the word as what is supporting all as one as equal as me.

The practical solution has to be written, stabilized, well directed - and by this one 'swing' I direct myself and I realize how things work - everything of me as me as one as equal within oneness and equality.

I have to stop stimulate myself with these energy flows within my body - these are the intense manifestations of the thought systems what are moving inside of me - and literally limiting my experience - also determining, containing, controlling, it's like I am within this con-sole.

Also interesting when I released this energetic compound, such as desire for sex - it looks the most intense -- I can literally experience the energy movements within myself - and it is always comes after some thought constract I allow to pop up - even those what are look slight - and this energy flows around the solar plexus, the backbone - it is related to fear.
If I fear to exist without energy thought systems - then the question comes about how it formed and how I participate and why - and how to stop it.
How to realize who I am and how to stop myself as thoughts?
It is a connection graph and I move by these connections within my head - even it is not physically my head but then within my trunk these energies emerge.
STOP REMOTECONTROLLING MYSELF BY CONS.

write and express no need con
conless contala conend

Ok, I write down Mykey support about masturbation:

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be addicted to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define enjoyment as masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to became addicted to the energetic experience of masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become consumed my masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that when the desire to masturbate steps forth: I cant help myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condemn myself for masturbating.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to experience guilt when I masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a slave to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to give masturbation power and control over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the experience of masturbation trough the energetic experience thereof.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use pictures in my mind to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with women.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be obsessed with masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear sex.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from the energetic experience I have when masturbating instead of masturbation being an expression of me.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to define woman as sex symbols.
I forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that I can only masturbate and experience me with woman in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define masturbation as the experience of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be enslaved by sex, woman and masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become and do.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe: There's no way out.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear other's judgement of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that others will think that this is who I am because of my masturbation and sexual obsessions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define myself according to masturbation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear that others will judge me - instead of realizing that the fear of others judgement is actually the self judgement I have bestowed upon myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to find it difficult to forgive myself for what I have done in the past and allowed in the past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am inferior and less than others because of my past.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to abuse myself.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to understand myself - instead of understanding my situation - I judged my situation.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be angry at myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame woman for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become angry with woman because what has become of me - and that they're showing no interest in me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become so obsessed with woman - and because I masturbate of them - I am not able to face them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed in the presence of woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - and because I have become obsessed with them trough masturbation - I have forgotten how to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge woman.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that because I masturbate of woman in my mind - I no longer see them as a human being - but as a picture I can use to masturbate with in my mind - and therefore - I am not able to have a proper converstation with them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to see woman only as pictures with which to masturbate.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from woman.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to compare with other men.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to set myself free from the masturbation of the past.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that I am able to forgive myself and release myself from the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed masturbation to become a burden over me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to place more value and worth in woman than realizing my own worth and value as who I am.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize me.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to forgive me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have the strength and discipline to stop.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize my own strength and self discipline.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to blame the world and my parents for what has become of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I am a monster.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be ashamed of looking people in the eye and facing them - because of my past and what I do in secret.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to suppress and hide me from myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be afraid of looking people in the eyes trough fear that they might see right trough me and know what I have accepted and allowed myself fo became.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the guilt, shame, anger, conflict and frustration of what I have allowed and accepted to become and then 'lash it out' on others.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I must hide and suppress what I experience within me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be honest with me.
--

So it looks like that within my relationships - as I moved with girls without 'mindwork' - there was a point where my self honest application could 'slip away' -- mostly with sex - that was quite fluid - but when for a moment I stopped as self-expression - I simply lost my interest - I simply lost my arousedness, I lost my intent because I felt that this is just like 'ordinary' - and instead of realizing the situation and the responsibility - to open myself and her up and direct the situation and express and experience both of us as one as equal - I missed a transcendence point and I lost my motivation to do it regularly.

So when I had the relationship - in the begining I was totally interested in having sex multiple times at a day - but as the months passed - it became less and less - as it was not a self-expression -- it was conditional and the conditions changed and I changed with the conditions - or I can say - the conditions determined me.
And then I felt a bit regret, and I wanted to reinforce this desire, so I used pictures, I imagined about my girlfriend and I built up sexual energy shit - just as I did when I was child...

But from childhood as I wanted to be a man who can give a big joy for woman - I was this as well - when I wanted - I could give much pleasure for girl - but the starting point was not one and equal - more likely it was a kind of twisted manipulation...
So as years passed - I also learnt to just go with the experience and totally forgeting about my desire and just enjoying and pleasuring and it was fascinating.
With my girlfriend I was able to develop to not even care about orgasm - I was just having sex and she enjoyed and enjoyed and enjoyed again and I was so stable - and self expression I was able to do this...
But then as I stopped participate within relationship - with phyiscal girlfriend - this ability just slipped as I reformed myself according to suppression and masturbation.

And within the last months when I had sex three times with a girl about within a month - much of this revealed - as how and why I give into the 'release' by allowing myself to urge me -- or by allowing the girl to urge me because she could not bear the frustration of ' 1 - not having an orgasm - 2 - I am slowly exploring how to stabilize myself within sexual expression without having an orgasm'...
But it was obvious that this I can reexplore and restabilize - with a partner who can be aware of all of this and can support her as me as one as equal.
But to seek after a girl who is like this - I am not sure...
At this moment I found this girl who I like - who I wrote about within my last post - but she is going away after a month and that's it.
The temptation is intense and even for moments I loose myself but as I realize how and why it happened - it worthy - because me revealing for me.

Once there was an idea to 'get a young girl' who I direct as me as one as equal - but somehow I did not liked this idea to direct a 'younger being' because I judged it before I experienced - - but it also does not mean that I should do this...

Also when I 'kind of engage' into a contact with a woman - it is easy to not masturbate and things like that - but when I am alone for a long while -- it is like being within the darkness without the existence -- kind of mind-bubble and the self-reflection about who I am manifests by myself and then comes the point when I STOP because it is obvious that I am dishonest and the whole story is of illusion.
Ok, that's it, well well.

1 comment:

klevo said...

I am facing the very same points at the moment. This is very assisting. Thanks Talamon.