On a chat a girl started to talk with me and after a while we met, and I did not liked her, especially that she is a girl who not really have any self-reflectional ability but I was sure that something she can bring out from me...We talked and did two short kisses, I mean even with tongues...
I was aware that she is not really understanding what is happening, but she was kind of spelled with the picture and her desire mixed with hope...
After first meet, I was aware much more dishonesties, and I did not want to meet with her - because only sex I could imagine with her, but even that barely almost not.
So at second meet I said to her, that I am not sure and things like that, but then somehow a kiss came, and it was interesting to see that how I do not say no, and the question came: why? Many stuff came up...
Meanwhile here is THE girl who I was dreaming several times and she is a manifestation of my self-created brainfuck, because: she is gorgeious, a real beauty within the system, kind of mixture of a picture presentation of a Degas and Renoir painting world what I extremely liked.
So I wanted to meet with her after three dreams with her and obviously I had this desire to see her, talk with her, touch, kiss her and just be with her and see what will happen.
Several times I rejected this urge inside - until a moment when I decided to face.
So we met and was big fun and she influenced me instantly, I changed with her presence.
Somehow she brought up this easy, innocence, pure expression of joy and touch and sharing and the child within me and this is like a honey for the bees - somehow this whole concept what I separated myself from as definition of joy and the lack within me - this what proved to be kind of addictive within me.
In other words, I have this ability to extremely open myself with her presence and in other part, somehow I can become quite dependent and conditional with this kind of influence.
I decided to embrace this whole experience and to let myself go - also I fed up with masturbating not only for pictures but for all ways, and I said that if it is programmed, let's see how the program works and how to influence, change, stop it.
So real 3D girl I decided to meet, and she I reached, and after some meets, she slept with me and she really likes me but somehow there is a wall what can come instantly between us and she looks like does not support my ego because in a moment can just become this distant shining star and I face with myself near her AS MY full blown mind manifestation as this swampy heavy energy manifesting like a form of depression and things like this when 'she does not love me with full power'. This is really like a sickness, like missing something really important within my body to operate normally...so twisted
In fact this is the typical past experience with my first girlfriend and that was really a huge mindfucking dishonest experience and it is somehow an another model of the same dishonesty and it is time to face this again...
So then I decided to direct the situation to go together with her to rainbow gathering and it happened and she came not alone but with two friends so 4 of us were in the tent, and somehow I was a bit disappointed but I did not participated within this but pushed myself to expose my intent just to be with her and go with the expression.
I was sure that I can not hesitate, not anymore, the procastination and the suppression was so intense that I had to turn it out to literally explode me because it was already a huge within me - just like an entity what grows and starts to eat and determine me with my permission but without my direction. So what? I said - intensification I was always, whatever comes, I embrace and breath.
There was a point when I experienced her attention slowly but surely turned to me as I pushed the experience of interacting with her and it was so strange, kind of mushroom trip it was - whatever you think, man, forget it - I do not know what I write anymore, I am writing me as one as equal and no intention, no separation, breath as letters as keyboard as music as expression as breath I express and express and express.
So it was like going trough a maze and at points I am deciding- not even decisions but more likely switches - the lever points inside and one represents something and hold some kind of word-graph within me -- or I turn the lever as presence as breath and physical act and movement to turn it out and literally manifest this self-definition into phyisical expression.
At one point it was so complex, I was starting to lose it and for a moment even at the rainbow family I was alone - flabegasting pure virtual mind-lock-in as within the acid trips before it flips to silence - I was like ok let give it up, ALL I GIVE UP, because I was having this intense head pulling experience, kind of headache but more phyiscal than just headache - and I said some self forgiveness and stabilized myself for the moment and realized that I am really after this experience so anyway, no way back - I have to continue - and my desire already manifested specifically and I just wanted to collect all my mind-tentacles to point to her and see what happens and finally at one point simply stop by realizing the direct hereness.
I was speaking with my friend who suggested to read Gurdjieff some years ago and somehow understands much, and even loves Andrea from the desteni farm hahaha(yet says self forgiveness no need to push so much as I do) - anyway we talked and I said him about I have this one dead stop just before I 'reach the peak of the whole experience' when I used to use substances to kick myself over. And he said that then I do not want it really - And I asked myself aloud about Gy(the girl) and in fact yes - I was not sure about I want to be with her closely - the compounded shit about previous experiences with girls and my doubt and fear and disbeliefs and all that as it manifested as this system - made me stop.So I was fearful that if I open myself - I can burn myself and that was really a lost when ten years ago I did - so this doubt I burned into myself, so at this moment I dared to push myself...
He also said that self trust is bullshit as it can be deception because why I need to trust, when I AM - and I realized also that the self trust as I defined - separation- let go of definition of self trust...so cool...
And then I realized that I already chosed, now I am here to understand it - a' la Matrix story, and in the next moment I said that I want this and I face.
Very very soon an old friend(kind of second father of D made lightsignals from distance
and then we heard his shouts, and we ran - he had heartattack, he could not breath, so I got an already ringing phone from somebody to speak with ambulance, to order a helicopter because in other way he can die right here in any moment...
I was aware that my 'compounded energy' virtual 'decisions' can influence physical experience around me and it was fascinating to observe myself how I define myself according to this coincidence...
So then chopper could not come, and when the directions they asked, I gave the phone to somebody who could describe the best way to the camp, ambulance started to come, and it was really within nature, so it was a while.
Rainbow hippies of course made handholding OM saying circle to pray and meditate and all of this energy stuff, I did not wanted to participate and also took a pee, so I walked away, and found Gy within the tent and just wanted to explore her expression near her and she said she was expecting the other guy and I became quite serious and kind of cold - the mind-shield started to shine but in the next moment I just left and said very well, I am here and I am breath - embrace all of this, and inbreath all outbreath all.
I already realized some days before that I suppressed extensively the outbreath - more likely I do a deep inbreath and then not being aware the outbreath and allowing mindwork.
Also the polarity and the self-creation as self-dishonesty is very related to my habit of my outbreath-style.
So I pushed, and I held two girl's hand within the circle around the old guy who was quite in trouble and I breathed until the vain came what took the old guy to ambulance.
Meanwhile somehow I realized how on acid trips we used our mind-focus-intent to forge as one some years ago - for instance 3 of us, we were what we did and until everything focused onto one point and in the next moment the whole concept as construct of manifested words just flew and we remained as one.
Interesting, I was having to be alone and I decided to give it up and enjoy myself, and push myself anyway without her - as she went to meditation with one of the guys from the tent. In that point I was even not sure that she wants to be with him or with me - I felt like it is a test what she does wih herself and with the guy and with me, so I was almost to ask the guy about this situation but somehow it did not happened...
This I was sure that made me ambigous - also that she is so filled with the tibetian buddhism as I was years before - before I realized the deception within myself.
I see them as me - I embrace them but I say what I am having to say - interesting to explore what words they can hear, and very fascinating to realize what words they simply do not hear. Also I realized as I write that they are aware of some of my dishonesties, as I am about 'theirs' but the direct one and equal expression is the only way to express to support all as one as equal...
After the serious quietness was fading at the campfire - and she went to meditate with the other guy - and I fed up swirling inside, I sat to the fire around the others in the dark and I played with my jewsharp and somehow it was just coming and coming and I was one and equal as expression as the instrument and I played long and intense, never intense like this, and my hand did not hurt, and I felt like I reached a point where it does not matter how long I play - hands, mouth wont be tired anymore - I easily changed the positions with my hand and still was playing cool and within tempo and somehow even I had the ability to direct it's flow as a whole story... I was fascinated and enjoyed, and when I finished and people enjoyed it and asked me, I became humble, I just said it just compounded within me and I had to express...
Then Gy came back and sat down somewhere at the other side of the fire and at that moment I was quite stable and I was quite stable yet fascinated about my statement related to her - as I decided fully to want to be with her...
Yet I was sitting and just playing with drums and speaking with people and then Gy asked me to lay down to her and under her was the other guy and it looked funny as three of us were laying together, kind of a sandwich...After a while we decided to play 'flying' when one is holding the another at the hip part with foot and kind of 'make the other fly by feet while the other is like flying...
So I was laying on the ground and I was holding her hands and pulling her onto me and holding her only by my sole in the air but I could not manage it fully, so she fell down..
Then we changed the role, she was holding me but I fell down again..Then Gy asked a girl to help to make this - and they played for a while and then Gy was better - and then she tried to hold me by her sole in the air, but we could not manage it...after some trial, we did it, and it was very cool...we did this before together already, about two or three years ago when we were high on mushroom...So it was cool, and she laid down onto me and we breathed together and spoke much and hugged and fondled for a long while.
We were together for a long time and everything was cool and I realized that I can do anything if I do not hesitate and even if it is mindfuck, I am me and release it as who I am as all life. Because if I do not realize and release - yet still suppressing it - I am of it -- so then better to face and realize and open and be self-honest and apply practical self forgiveness by stopping inner reactions...
There were some points when I realized somehow Gy was aware about many stuff as she said some points when I had to realize that she is still directing the situation and did some placements to not blow the whole stuff away, like between us an other guy slept in the tent(and also the other guy) and these guys are kind of cool faces, ok they are also the same buddhist as I was, but anyway I enjoyed them also as me.
So next morning I realized that Ive changed so much only from the fact that she likes me and allows me to touch, hug, raise, fondle and enjoys it and slowly but surely starts to open for me. I had some moments when I was facing with suppressions but I was physical expression, and slowly but surely inside I was really quiet.
Also at foodcircle(when everybody eats) a girl asked Gy about how comes that she is with 3 boys, and which one is her boyfriend, and she said that none, and the other guy who she was also for some time and I was curious about what she wants from him - she said, he is her brother, and 'maybe an another will be boyfriend, will see' - so I was like this is also a kind of interesting speak and I simply did not allowed to move inside - so that moment it was like 'joy' yet with polarity about how mindfucked I am...Anyway...
Several spoke and naked baths and sunbathes we took and all of day two of us(the other guys were far) we were absolutely together, helping in the kitchen, going to pee, playing music together with the others and all stuff...it was really cool, the rainbow gathering is very cool anyway and even with the dishonesties(like spiritual mystic bullshit and separations) I decided to stand and see and realize and stop inner reactions about it...
At that day, it was the third day when we had to come to home very soon, so after a loong farewell from others at the camp(from all one by one, big hugs) and in a bath when we were four within the water and playing(2 girls, 2 boys), we played kissing arounds and she kissed me deep and basically we kissed all around and then first time we kissed really and it was very cool...
Then we started to go home(out to the village to the car) and hand by hand we walked trough the forest out to the village and interesting realizations I experienced.
I mostly never liked to hold a girl's hand only when I really liked her. Because somehow it required some full blown commitment and it was only with Cica before...
Now I just grabbed her hand and enjoyed - I was really surprised that I open myself up so much with her... Fascinating how much me I separated from myself by the definition of 'the most beautiful girl inside and outside as well as I perceive'.
Because obviously I required this to reunite with her - because I found her outside from me what I lack - the beauty, the joy, the innocence, the flow, uninhibited expression and all of this - I judged myself as I am not these...
So I placed myself into this situation and I had to realize that she I love.
We found a disturbed 'LOVE' sign put together from woodsticks on the ground on the dirtroad as we left the rainbow camp and it was disturbed, many pieces were all over the place and Gy and me put it back together the letters to repair the word LOVE. lol
Also I had to realize that I separated myself from the word love - because I decided to not love myself, and here I am within this kind of strange love.
But it is mindfuck, we talked about it, and somehow I trusted myself without thinking about trust - I breath and I walk trough and as the wholeness of everything and assist myself as her as one as equal to realize who we are as life.
So then we stopped at a big lake, called Balaton towards home and we swam and played in the water and also kissed, and there was the swim scene.
The others(the two boys and an other girl) remained alongside the coast and Gy swam deep inside, and I followed her and I stopped when I realized maybe I am not so good swimmer, as I did not even swim since two years from that point when at Goa I was hit at the searocks so hard that my hip almost broke.
So then I saw that quite far she stopped and looket after me, so I just swam after her and I was just breathing and moving within and as the water.
We hugged each other and kissed and then swam towards the sunset...
After we joined to others and played some more and the interesting stuff that the other boys are also liked to play with her but after a point they stopped, and somehow it was obvious that they are interested in her but not really, what I did not understand but it was good point to see that am I jealous or not and some points I felt like this but I also said self forgiveness several times and I pushed myself and I breathed and embraced - or I expressed like this...
Then we kissed some more and hugged and laughed and when we came home - it was really shocking to enter the dark, stinky, foggy city with the people - that was like total oppose of the nature and the kind, quite opened hippies - but I embraced and did not allowed myself to sink down, because I was aware that all of this I am - not polarity I am, so I open myself and breath.
And I asked her, when we kiss again and she said, at Ozora(one month later) a goa festival, and I was a bit disappointed, so at that moment all of me was quite exposed that I expected something and then I did not get so I was empty and even I forget my starting point as breath for some moments, and then she kissed me some more times and then I said to her as we hugged that ' I release you' and smiled and then I walked away...towards home...
At home my flat was dirty and dark and I just threw down all my clothes and went to sleep.
I was also interested to fing Gy at the internet once and I found a name in a pairhunter place what has similar than her and I was kind of interested about maybe she is, but then I realized that she is not her - I felt myself like after acid trips...
totally changed I felt - I was not interested to sit at the front of the computer, and playing or things like that - I wanted to write, write all of this, and express self forgiveness and release self dishonesties but I was already tired, so in the morning I woke up and also I experienced some hope about maybe she will reach me over phone but of course nothing happened.
Also I realized that everything happened is a gift, I am all, and if I define myself according to polarity, I am not whole and I manifest shit.
Even today I felt like splitted - as gifted by the moment when I am expression with her - and shocked as how I am dependant to this girl to be kind of 'whole' - what is obviously not real because without her I felt myself like this 'body filled with moving mud' kind of physical manifestation of the mind demon within myself.
Also I had burned myself really red before, and I had this ambigous feeling within my body, and also maybe I still have ticks - we spoke about we will check each other but it did not happened, and Gy did it with the other guy and I was not there so that's it...
Afternoon I went to bank to take out my salary and I called her to meet because she works on street, but did not picked it up, so I went back to workplace.
When I infiltrated into subway without ticket, the checker man came after me and kind of shouted to me about ticket and what the fuck I think why they are at the entrance, and I said well I have nothing, I just come and that's it, and he was quite aggressive and then said 'then just go' and I said thank you, and somehow I felt myself vulnerable, and then I walked back to office and continued to work like a kicked out dog lol.
Then Gy called me and said she had several ticks and I should check myself and also said that she will meet me on this week because she has my blanket and I also has something what I have...
Then I had this itchy feeling all over my body and I wrote to her about it would had been cool if I was checked after ticks by her and 'anyway please check that on me when you come'...and also the other girl who I met twice before, asked about meet and I did not answered, and I felt like the center of the polarity and experiencing the two edge of the frequency domain and seeing those as one big mindfuck.
Very well, it is mostly the story, and I am here, and I fed up my dishonesty, and I am here to forgive myself because I contained so long this bullshit since twelve years...
I am not sure that it is mindfuck to be with her and see how we embrace this situation, but will see... I directed this, because at this moment she is the only one who I could be - not within relationship, but in any way whatsoever - Agreement? I do not know - but I do not accept anything less than who I am and I do not accept anything less than who she really is and I do not hesitate to intervene to show her nature and if we wont met anymore, then not, but until I enjoy and expose my fears and dishonesties and embrace the mind and exploring practical knowledge about who I am and push myself to remain inner silent and breath in and breath out and support her within her realization as me.
So self forgiveness after a cup of water.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself.
Also I write down Veno -self forgiveness - relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I require and need another separate from me to fullfill and complete me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to accept myself as incomplete and unfullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate me from myself as another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to seek and search for love in another from who and which I have separated me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'love'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to separate myself from the word 'relationship'
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another to be complete and fullfilled.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I need and require another separate from me to be loved and to experience love.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to consider the words 'falling in love' - only noticing and considering the word love in the equation and not the word 'fall'.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to dream and wish and hope and desire to be 'whisked' and wiped off my feet by an eligible attractive man or attractive beautiful woman of which I pictured in my mind as being: The One.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to condition and conform to society by desiring and wanting and needing a must-have relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to influence and change myself to attract a hopeful possible partner.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that 'knees going weak' and 'butterflies in the stomach' are actually experiences of me instead of realizing they are manifestations of the mind.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually literally 'buy into' the ludicrousness of the fact that love actually exists.
I forgive myself that I havent allowed myself to realize that love and relationship is the trap of this world to remain pre-occupied in 'my own world' instead of opening my eyes and ears to see and hear what's really going in this world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to 'fall' into the trap of the mind as love and relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define love and sex under the category of the manifestation of a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to become blind and deaf by the overwhelming experiences of feelings and emotions within a relationship and closed myself off and separated myself from the rest of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to use a relationship as an escape from the world to not have to face the world I exist in and experience myself within.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will 'find' and 'discover' myself within a relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that emotions and feelings for another separate from me are actually experiences of me as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to desire, want and need a relationship.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to merely accept and allow emotions and feelings for another separate from me - believing such emotional and feeling experiences to be 'normal' and 'okay', because everyone else is also experiencing them.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to enjoy 'being loved' by another - instead of accepting joy as me as the expression of me as self love.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to love myself and because of this - I went on a journey to find, search and seek love elsewhere.
I forgive myself that I have nt allowed myself to realize that by me wanting, desiring, wishing and needing a relationship - I was actually asking for a relationship with me.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to ever in my life, not once in my life, consider me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to start a relationship and go on a relationship quest - because that's what the rest of the world is doing - so most obviously: I must do it as well.
I forgive myself that I have alllowed sex, relationship and love to become my obsessions, oppression and suppression.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to resist myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to take me for granted.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to define holding, cuddling, fondling, kissing and sex as intimacy.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive myself into believing that love and relationship actually exists.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe, perceive and think that others who are in relationship are happy and content - not really knowing or understanding that what they are projecting is the lie to the world and the deception of themselves.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to trust my thoughts feelings and emotions instead of me trusting myself as who I am of life within and oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge myself and by this judgement requiring and needing another separate from me to love me, appreciate me and adore me because I apparently couldnt and cant for myself.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is ridiculous.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to think that self forgiveness is too simple and fallible to actually assist and support me in what I am experiencing within me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to judge and condemn my own words.
I forgive myself that I have even allowed to give the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions the 'time of day' and taking for granted the breath of life as life of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in a relationship with another.
I forgive mylse fthat I have allowed myself to believe that I will only find and discover love, fullfillment, completeness, comfort, joy, well-being, bliss in relationship with another.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that God created male and female as is to experience the apparent joys and wondrous ecstasy and euphoria of sex and to make babies and start a family.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to live by laws and regulations of society of the world.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to actually believe that people who've beein in relationships actually knows anything of relationships and have allowed myself to fllow the example of other love sick puppies lost in the mind as I am.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to notice the word 'sick' in 'love sick puppies' and only notice the word love.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to control me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed the words 'love' and 'relationship' and 'sex' to have power over me and power of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to deceive and dishonour and lie to myself in the name of love, relationship and sex.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to be intimate with me - self-intimacy is the key of me.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that my parents were actually 'happily married' and that I'd also want to have an experience like that with anoother: Relationship, marriage, home, car, children, successful business and money.
I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I have 'fallen' head over heals' for the deception and manipulation and lies of the system when 'falling head over heals' for another separate from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to Gy to call me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myelf to want and wish and desire to Gy to see me, hug me, kiss me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I do not love myself if I desire to be loved with another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted myself as unfullfilled, as lacking, as hoping, as depending.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to own Gy to have it for me as my precious, because I put worth and walue into my definition of her and by that balancing the polarity of self-unacceptance and self-dishonesty as self-deception as thoughts, feelings, emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that I am not requiring somebody to fullfill me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself in order to avoid to be vulnerable and hurt.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress pain.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress crying.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath in as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breath in naturally as whole as breath out as me as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have Gy with me and to be loved with her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that I want a beautiful and expressive girl like Gy to be with me who gives her attention to me and receiving my attention and stimulating each other to have this joy bubble.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not discipline myself to remain physically here and then accepting myself to live by my thoughts and saying that 'I release it and realize' - even when it is obviously self-dishonesty.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for her call because then it would mean that she would like to be with me, so then I am worthy, so I am good enough, so I am somebody, so I am real.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself as 'joy'.
I forgive myself that I have separated myself from the word 'joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'joy' by pictures within my mind and define 'my' 'joy' according to my self-created self-deception-based definitions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have her with me.
Self corrective application.
I express myself and I offer my support - but I do not accept myself as desire, I do not accept myself as dependance.
I express myself as joy and I express myself as innocence but I stop desire for touch, kiss, sex - yet I do not suppress the expression as myself.
I do not accept anything less than who I am as inner silence as life as oneness and equality.
I do not accept myself as desire, I do not lie to myself and I do not deceive myself anymore.
I do not fuck myself with the illusion of love because this is killing me. It is killing my head, my body, myself - this mind is phyisically manifesting trough my emotions my lack, my fear, my dishonesty - I DO NOT ACCEPT MYSELF AS DISHONESTY.
I apply self forgiveness, I move, I change, I live, I breath, I stand.
I release her, I let go her, I do not wish to be with her because when I wish after her - I am not here, I am not me, I am not inner silence as expression.
I stop associating to her by popping up mind pictures about her face, her hand, her tits, her pussy, her thigh, her foot, her hair, her sound, her tongue.
I am here, I delete these definitions, I stop all mindwork, I am here, what is physically here - real, what is not here - it is not real.
I stop pretend that I am inner silent when I am not, and I ask her to assist me to dare me to be inner silent and stand alone.
I breath naturally when she looks to me, I breath naturally when she wants something for me and I discover the deception within this already manifested deception and release by stopping participate and that's it.
I do not close myself into a mind bubble in order to escape from what is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that when I forgive my dishonesty about her, then she will call me -self deception I stop.
I forgive myself that expect her to answer to my message yet realizing that this would be just a food for my ego - even when in fact maybe really I still have ticks on my body where I could not check myself.
Also I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to take olive oil to the gathering, even when the mostly I wanted this, but I procastinated and I wanted to ask Gy to bring it and then I just suppressed to ask her and then we did not have olive oil...
Olive oil is extremely supporting under intense sun, because it helps to make skin oily what protects and repairs the skin...
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from olive oil.
So in short- this happened in last days - will see what happen, I will write more -- because:
- this is real shit within me, the desire for very beautiful girl and then the manifested mind-experience of 'love sick' within the body, this kind of heavy unconfortable sad feeling as self-defeat: when this occurs - I stand, I lay down and I breath, and I embrace, and I relax into and as the experience and show to the system as me that this is who I am - come join me and be one and equal and then I direct, and I stop as one as equal within oneness and equality.