But I am curious about what brings forth within me and is cool to face with myself and with the heads who I was with in those times: the same trio we will play who we are still keep in kind of contact: if one of us writes an email to one or the another - goes to both - so this kind of stuff goes since we have email.
Three of us marked quite different lines within our lives - one of us went to military academy and got serious exercises about how this stuff works and all the 'male' roles are programmed and being maintained, developed and manifested by the total control of modern weaponry. After that he just jumped off from the army - and is still learning computer science, programming, maths etc - and he is currently working on a QA(quality assurance - 'testing') a new computer game. He is managing himself to re-gain some kind of responsible position about project managing.
We know each other since childhood, at computer workshop we met, and were having big fun times together, even at one point my mother were suspecting that I am kind of gay because I am with him many times - but we were doing computer games, role playing stuff, fantasy, sci-fi stuff, nature walks, phyisical funs like sword-playing with sticks etc.
He just spent here 2 weeks and was cool - we do not need to speak too much to understand each other kind of without words we can get each other's stuff...
The other guy I was in highschool with, he is kind of smart face, many system-knowledge, literature, readings stuff, kind of sceptic wisdom he enjoys, and he is working as system admin in a kind of law area - but he is doing webmaster stuff...
Interesting to see how they are within the system - how they are accepted themselves as themselves - based on their perceptions - and it's fascinating to see my mind-tentacles towards them - how I operate related to them - how I change with them.
It's kind of cool act to explore this and just express myself.
This is a part of my own programming what I've managed to quite freely experiment with them - I was teenager, and what I played within the role play fantasy game - kind of that personality I could express without inhibition, without self-judgement.
I was Talamon, the elven crazy wizard - not good, not bad, but who writes his own laws related to his life. I liked the nature stuff, and I liked to express my own authority and power towards those who interfered with me - and sometimes that brought up some dark, bitter fogs but those were the pillars of the other side's joyful playtimes to keep in balance the waving, mystical, untouchable and mad wizard who had own inner scars what gave him enormous, throbbling raw energy to express and change the situations.
So this was like the original talamon idea - I liked magic, I wanted magic, I desired magic, I imagined magic and I believed magic - I searched and explored magic - the very essence of the magic of man - I was this kind of symbol.
I wanted the total power, the natural, undefeatable, innocent pure expression of influence right into the existence - but I could not express this - I could not find it anywhere else in that times - only within fantasy and sci-fi worlds such as wizards and demons, thiefs and assasins and within the star-wars world or in the gothic and utterly dark H.P.Lovecraft's world, the Call of cthulhu.
This dark presence what popped up within my life again and again - and there were occasional situations when it manifested so strongly, that I was totally astonoished, freezed about - hey this is shit real, not only fantasy.
The suppressed anger and fear was the basic glue within my mind to keep together this systematic, lava-worm-like energetical vibration what made me power over my body.
When I was tiny, I got a so strong shock, that I could not contain - I had to separate this (literally) entities within myself because it was fearful that I can not breath anymore if I let this manifest totally - so I fought with my mind to remain 'alive' - yet it was a very deep, strong compromise - I literally chained myself to my limits by very agressive conditions - to be ensured that I wont step into those cold, dark areas within myself - even when I would like.
So this made me even forget about the darkness - but the seal was never perfect - the seal was always leaking somehow - the bindings had own consequences - I lost my direction, I've lost my dreams, and what was the very serious one: I've lost my power to be able to direct myself.
This caused a hole - a whole, holy break - this break was the pit what I felt, I am always falling into - every day I've had this dream about I am falling - and I was falling into my own deep, dark nothing. I've became addicted to fall - to fall within the darkness - after a while I defined that I am alive when I am experiencing this freezing, frightening fall within the total, nonsensual instinctly shocking darkness.
This is what I used to generate my energy - this was to be used to hit into the energy-fields to make strong remarks to form the reality how I perceived as possibly right.
I was so raw, that I feared that I could kill someone with an unconscious movement.
I was fearful from killing - I was fearful to kill the first human - I believed that if I would kill someone - then the human life would loose it's meaning, because I had the belief that if someone killed once - then to kill again would not be difficult.
So this darkness I had and I have - I still experience and it is within and around my solar plexus - kind of heavyness around the lungs when someone cant breath - but this one is not only around the chest - it is around the hip, around the stomach, the hip, the buttocks -- the whole trunk as one cold, shivering grey-white-black energyfield what kind of slows down the time-perception - and gives the sound as metals are cut with some unholy, magical deepdark carved blades.
Thos wavering what I experience within my writings as I start somewhere and the direction very soon goes to deep into my core of my being - is kind of tendency - I have no idea what I will write - but in fact I write within self-honesty and what is here - I write it down.
In fact - it would be fascinating to write all day - I want this - so it is the self-direction point - am I able to manage myself to write continously for more than one-two hours? Because in the begining I writing something 'kind of usual' but that is also specific - and as I move along - the whole story gets more and more intimated and more serious - and I manifest as words within this document - more likely I would say that my accepted and allowed manifested responsibility is being reckognised as a self-defined, self-contained, self-determined mind-personality pattern system.
Within the roleplay game - I could express these dimensions from me verbally - a kind of virtually directing this elven mage talamon character within the storyline - and many times I was kind of against the storyteller's world - I wanted to direct appropriately the situations - but the storyteller was kind of against me - as the physical world made this in that times - I thought I am powerful and I wanted to direct situations but I was kind of an apprentice of magic and I had no real power over the physical and many times I almost got killed, and the grace of the storyteller had saved my life.
And this talamon stuff has growed within me - and I wrote lifestory of the character about the parents were killed and the child got trauma and shock and kind of remained child but became an old man at a same time with the certain touch of death on his shoulder.
In that times I was reading many books what were played in fantasy worlds - about the half-human/half-orc chaos priest with the chain-mace or the sword of night with the three demigods - of course beyond the classic ones such as LOTR, star wars, cthulhu, dark elf series etc...
I desperatedly wanted to explore worlds and realms, to express myself and within this 3D existence I could not - I was poor, powerless and self-doubted, inhibited and fearful - I had ability to use logic extensively but I could not see beyond my own program.
These fantasy worlds were the illusion dimension where I could escape, where I could be apparently more free - I was having a huge imgaination - basically an ability to see thought-based picture worlds inside of me - related to the input what I pulled up from books, movies etc - based on my suppressions and desires.
I started to tend to be with those people who participated with this kind of self-image of me - what was basically a total mindfuck but it gave the illusion that I am right.
In that times I wrote many adventures and tiny novels but I never finished one - I had huge doubt within everything - why and how?
As I started to do something, to express - I found that that specific act is kind of limited after a while - in the begining it was new and the possibilities were infinite - but as I started to involve myself within - the whole stuff started to become more and more determined, more and more predictable and program-like....
So in that times I turned to computers...
I liked to play with computer-games - these tiny figures what I had to direct indirectly with the joystick - I liked these - simple and countable - yet it has the access of a new area for me - success -- when I made a level of a computer game - I felt a moment of joy, a kind of instant and breezing happiness and that was the possibility to continue to play along to move on to the next level...
After a while I was interested how these games were built up - how these were made up? I heard about computer programming, I was very interested - I started to explore this, basic language and I enjoyed that I can write my own computer program and I had to get a C64 computer and I wrote some stuffs, I copied many programs and very soon I understood the very basic of computer programming - I stopped to walk out to nature - I stopped to go out to nature - I could control the computer - and when I did not understood what was the problem - because the machine did not do what I wanted - it was always logical and I could find the problem and fix it - I started to trust in the computer. I was always who mistyped the code, I was who missed a conceptual point - and when I wanted - I could find it. It was like a sandbox...
So the darkness I could close out by my intent by focusing to computers - the screen had it's own light and my code was on the screen - or the games what I played - in fact for me the coding was also playing...
Even when it was dark and night - the colorful screen I merely gazed all day and night without even forgeting my own human physical body and my emotional package of fears and anger and depression.
So I tried many things - chemistry, biology, maths, history, sports etc but after all I always felt like these are not really challenging - these had their own linguistics and after learning that - I could move along easily without obsticled -- in fact without expressing and manifesting something - I just enjoyed the theories the stories the mechanisms and the facts - but to literally act these 'knowledges' within 3D - I never intended to - - for some times I did - I build little electronic stuffz, but after a while it was boring and very soon I learnt to jump over to another area before I could slow down within the progress of learning -- I was searching something more profound...
Even when I found the computer science - I sucked that so easily and naturally, but it was not enough - I was flying within fantasy worlds and I've managed to separate my identity from the 'dark' and 'evil' entities by letting books and movies to describe these for me to be able to define separatedly from me -- such as demons, undeads, evil beings, monsters and it was fascinating...
Somehow I had this affinity to research after these - of course the heros and angels also made me busy but somehow these dark entities had more freedom - even with the fact that within the stories the heroes always killed them.
In those times I believed that I have some sort of special abilities such as psychics, when I wanted to something to happen, I contencrated and when it happened - I was quite sure that I influenced that with my will.
I read Silva's Mind-control and I used the three-finger technics, and even I used to touch my right earlobe to try to control traffic lamps etc...
I had so strong desire to experience some kind of natural awakening to realize that I have a power of magic to change the reality.
In those times I was extremly thin and very whiteskinned(still) and I had to protect my identity about I saw that the general heroes were very muscular within the stories and I could not identify myself with them totally because of the image presentation of myself was very different.
The only advantage was my shining big blue eyes what was used to be the interest of girls.
Of course they did not realize that the frightening suppressed anger and inhibition made that kind of expression to freeze onto my face and I even could not speak barely -- with girls -- especially with the beautiful ones.
So interesting childhood I had and my family had this controlled fight among each other and it was in the air many times that they simply hate each other.
The only thing what I could do with this situation that I could express this shit towards my sister who was 3 years younger - and I was such an asshole many times.
ok this is enough - this darkness stuff will continue with more experiences, especially with the intense ones to explore my 'relationship' with the self-deluded definition of darkness.
Some self forgiveness I express to unify my experience here:
Role playing game:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have developed a role - a role of myself - a rule of myself - who I define myself to be by thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, pictures -- instead of being here naturally as moment as me as breath as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to escape from this physical existence into some sort of illusionaric fantasy world and playing and imagining myself to be a hero there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to go into fantasy worlds within my mind as good, as cool, as a source of joy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define joy by the escaping from this 3d physical reality with participation within mind-images powered by thoughts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself here within and as this physical expression as atrophy based to the comparison my picture presentation related to the heroes of the stories.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be hero - to get the people-s respect because I did not honoured myself so I wanted to get this by others to make me believe that I am honoured.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect myself because of defining my worth based on the zero numbered heroic deeds what I've done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as who I am according to my own definitions and to hide from my own definitions - I've created an another personality by myself who is strong, powerful and magical - because I was missed these from myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as powerless.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as ordinary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry to myself because I experienced myself as powerless and weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from those who had power and strength.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as logical - because I had the ability to compute the situations precisely as a machine in order to avoid the mistakes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from mistakes - because I had the perception that I am myself a mistake because I was not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my expression and always wanted more than I was able to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations based on my memory and my usage of logic - instead of trusting me here - I chosed within my logic and my memory and past experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents that I can not have mistake because that would mean that I failed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my mother's judgement about I have failed because then I defined myself as unworthy and pathetic - because I have compared myself to heroes from movies and books and for the grownups around me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust within and as me - but trusted within my definitions of what is good enough based on the other's teachings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire after another human being - instead of realizing that if I allow myself to desire after one human - I am that human who I desire after - and I am right here - but I do not experience myself because of this desire what I experience - as I explore the lack of me - lol.
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