Friday, December 26, 2008

Embrace darkness

interesting situation

at one point I realized hmm I am not free, so let me be - so I started to fly - basically in the dark - and I've hit my head into the wall - and I fell...
After a while I re-tried it and the idea was like the more energy I jump and fly, more likely I can break trough, but in fact I've just managed bigger jumps and I've hit my head on the next level's wall - and I fell bigger...Hmm - then I smelled that OK, let's walk to the wall, and I started to touch, fondle, even lick this wall - I mean still in the dark, so I walk in the dark and I touch walls - but in fact common sense comes forth:

Why I do not see here? I mean I see only one thing - the thing that I do not see..
What is this wall what I even do not see just limits me?
So if I see only darkness, then probably I separated myself from darkness, to not see - or to see it, in real it is no matters - but at the moment I do not see the darkness, only it's definition as darkness. And I do not see that what is in the darkness, and I am in the darkness, so I even do not see myself and then the idea to see comes up and it comes in loops and builds up a desire to see myself - and then I do not see my darkness, and wanting to see just separates me from myself more, because I start to find temporally lights to use it's bursts to have a seeing - absolute separation. So this separation from my walls, and from my darkness makes me kind of blind - and the same stuff with the space and time - these are also the points what I've managed to separate myself from and then I am not even aware of space and time at the moment, only a tiny slice of it and the rest is this 'darkness'.

And then having the ability to use the memory as separate entity within myself what has been defined within my experiences using this light-burst seeings by saving these images and then bringing forth it again and again - and interesting to see how thoughts create light in the darkness -- but always with a beginning and an end - and meanwhile I am compromised, I am here as this conditional participation within this mind-light-path - what simply will end at the 'end' of it's conditional existence.

For instance this is a rude example: to denying that I have desire to someone to fullfill me for instance a girl who I defined with my thoughts as 'good enough' to have the ability to go into symbiotism with and as to support each other as the idea of 'whole' together.
And then this was an attempt to find out from my desire to see in the darkness and then I remember for this and then as the dishonesty as me does not make a change - this comes into habit and I am becoming obsessed with the idea of 'wanting to be with her' - and by this I am doing a compromise - it began - and it will go until then I will face with her or her response for it such as 'lol' or I will give up because it will take away too much attention without experiencing this wholeness so the condition what make this began as a habit of using this particular memory to define me and my expression will expire and I will face with myself again as 'incomplete'.
Or when eventually we could come together - after a while when other complicated conditions make me aware that 'this is not really completeness' - then I would give up - or she would give up the idea to 'wanting to be together' and then again I am alone with myself as myself.

Basically self-definition as picture within this picture-oriented existence makes the starting point really strong that I am tending to see only the pictures - or the memory of the pictures.
Even when I did not see a specific girl since one and half year - I have the memory about she is gorgious, bella, the manifested definition of beauty - I can't describe her face or body - just some ideas - because it is not even personally related with her - only with and as my definitions what myself has definied and grabbed and made to became precious - and using it as a totem, a sanctuary, as an idol what is really strange but this is what I've became trough the accepted and allowed participation within self-definitions as thoughts as pictures.
Because I did not see in the darkness of me and I I saw that if I participate within a specific thought-picture - for a moment I am this picture one and equal - and this moment made me express as this is who I am what I experience - - and this became constant - to participate within picture to not see that I am a darkness what I am not aware of.

What is in darkness when I walk in darkness - strange - even when I am aware of there is nothing on the floor, the steps become a bit unsure - because at the moment I can not use the picture of the 'empty floor' to perceive me that this actual step 'will be' 'all right'.

So this self-doubt to step onto something within the darkness what I've managed to stabilize and polarizing it by using memory-based pictures to be able to apparently walk.
But this walk is not only touch those small paths what my thought-pictures make me believe that 'all right' - and this limits me to explore within the darkness of myself as myself.
And by this I do not want to explore the darkness of me - but I want to bring the light of the mind of thoughts/pictures to everywhere to become sure that I 'see' everything in light.

And the common sense is to dare myself to walk in the dark alone and explore - and if I step onto something what makes me fall to the ground - then I will be aware of it and I stand up and walk...And being sure that within that moment I do not create a self-definition picture/thought to avoid this 'stepping onto this obsticle. Because in the darkness I am of darkness, I am what is in and as this darkness - so this obscticle is me - and I fall by me and I stand up by and as me and any separation is just a conditional attempt to avoid this specific facing as awareness of myself.

Embrace darkness
Embrace solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude
Embrace myself as darkness as solitude as breath
Embrace my experience as myself as breath as one as equal

And when I define that how I do not define - it is the same - it is not awareness but suppression and diverting - for instance when I define that how cool that I did not participate within sexual desire physically for a while - - this definition is the same - and I try to separate myself from this 'stopping participation within desire' - it is a separate entity from me and at the moment I define this as separated from me - I am not directing it as me as one as equal - and in fact I realize at the moment that this was just a sneaky self-deception to be able to define myself as 'cool' but in fact nothing really changed in physical application because then I just simply become aroused by participation within pictures because

I defined that I did not participate within this - to be able to define that 'I am transcending it' - and then kind of lying to myself that I am aware of if and I 'won' so then I am not even aware of it - and it just happens -- and I can not blame myself only from the perspective that 'shit, it happened, blame blame' but not like 'I was not aware of it' - but in fact this was happened: I was not aware of it - only defined that I was aware.

So when I define that I am aware of something - because I am simply not aware of but for this moment I can be delusional about myself by participation within this thought/picture that 'I am aware' or 'I have transcended'.

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