Self as forgiveness, self is forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning for the 4:44 when I sit down to the computer and I see this date on the clock.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a speciality for those numbers what are built up by the same digits to guessing that this has a special meaning something profound or I am 'on a good way'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to seek outside synchronicities to define something about 'my way' to be able to state that 'everything is allright' or 'this is a special moment' - not realizing that this is just simply bullshit: the clock goes forward and there are the numbers as 4:43 and after the 4:44 and there is after the 4:45 and it is just numbers - the meaning what I gave is whatever I want to believe - it's delusional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give a meaning in any way whatsoever - not realizing that the mind gives synchronicity points to itself to react on a specific way regularly/in cycles to simply always make me to react on a specific way to remain infinitely slave of my own accepted and allowed expression as thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek 'positive feedbacks' outside from me to make myself confident and trusted within the system about 'everything is all right' instead of realizing that this signifies that I do not trust myself here only myself constantly but I tend to find points to stabilize myself by my definitions outside from me - not seeing that I was who defined these points by fear and self-doubt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek reactions within me what are has been defined by myself as 'positive reactions' such as others are seeking for me or want to have my phone number to define it as 'I am important/I am somebody' - not realizing that this is deception and conformism and signifies that I do not trust myself unconditionally here constantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to become aroused from the fact that I wake up in the morning about some sticky wet stuff came out from my genitals - not remaining undefined and wanting to find an excuse to feed off sexual system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have sex to release my emotional compounded suppression on a simple way to be able to remain the exact same reaction memory-based personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sleepy when I sleep less than 4 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the typing and screen when typing this self-forgiveness by defining that this is 'there' and I am here instead of realizing that I am here as my expression as one as equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate my exgirlfriend's mind on a way what she can't perceive because of her dishonesty what she didn't realized yet instead of support her as me as one as equal to show her and my accepted and allowed nature and correct myself as moment as self-corrective application as actual change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not write every day and when I write I just flow out just like zapping out the compounded stuff what I have not allowed to express momentary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I manipulate beings on a way what they do not see or understand or be aware because their self-deception and by seeing this dishonesty within me but not changing and using this to get profit by managing them to act on the way what I would like - this is separation, control, manipulation, not one and equal expression in and as the moment - as the words indicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control others in anyway whatsoever because I have no control over me because I allowed myself to being controlled by my accepted and allowed dishonesty as inner reactions on my own self-definitions and to be able to propose or perceive myself as who is not lost - to have the 'visual/perception' of the control I 'gained' on others to define it that 'I am in control'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as tired when I experience this dizzyness/swampyness/numnbness/unawaredness - instead of realizing that I am simply not here as breath as moment and I am here as thoughts/emotions/feelings what means I give my power away to the holographic illusionaric systematic experience to apparently live instead of me being and experiencing and expressing myself here as in oneness and equality with and as the moment as all as me as one as equal as the breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to close myself from people by stating out/defining that 'they are dishonest anyway, sho why should I meet' instead of realizing that I try to separate myself from that part what I defined as I separated myself from such as 'others' - to not want to face to specific part of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have control over events and circumstances instead of being always here and simply express myself here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have a relationship just beacause I defined it on a 'stable way to not want to think about sex, because I can do it without striving' and than I can expressz myself freely without the urge to spend time to 'find a way to have sex'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to sex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how beautiful womam I could have sex with - not even the fact that I 'have/had' but the possibility itself as perceived power.

This showed up three points: time/power/sex triangle.

So the fear from not having enough time to get the power but with sex I could have. lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not having enough time to 'get what I want' or to experience what I desire - instead of realizing that I am here and I am separated myself from my power as my presence as my totality as moment and I defined it conditionally and by this I became the slave of the illusionaric choice of CONdition.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that if I seek after power - I wont find it or it will be conditional as illusionaric because my presence as my totality is my power as self-expression what I want and it can be only here when I am absolute self-honest with myself and I will myself and direct and motivate myself as who I really am as life in oneness and equality as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define to have sex as power - because than I equated the disturbing emotional systematic behaviour's frictions by regularly charging out instead of realizing the dishonesty to actually change and eventually STOP to not being slave of this release.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex separatedly from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define sex as joy separated from me.

I forgive myself that I associate to the sunlight when I look up to the spotlight with closed eyes and wanting to experience the beach with sunlight - instead of realizing that if I really would want it, that I should go there or seeing the dishonesty within me why I want to be 'there' instead of realizing that I am here(or both).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define that I prefer hot beach and define it 'best place' because of my memories and definitions about beach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define beach as beautiful and define that if I am at the beach than I do not have to do anything and I can enjoy the beach - instead of enjoying myself as breath in every single moment regardless to where I am.

I forgive myself that I want to 'have the experience' at the moment of 'that's it, that's all I am empty of thoughts and emotions' - signifying that I want it because I can't experience because of the ongoing inner reactions what I can't (or I do not want to) direct so that's why desire arises as a hope).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the feelings as thought information systems flowing around within my body around my solar plexus and defining it intense and defining it pleasant - instead of realizing that when I experience this - I am separated from what is here and I am unaware of what is here and this simply means I am not totally here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be aware/be self-intimidated of what these emotions/feelings mean in and just re-experiencing with the excuse that 'I don't know' what these means, so anyway I do some phisical divertion from it to try to avoid it by hoping that will help to stop it or not coming back - simply bullshiting instead of be here and open myself and realize what is here - especially what specific thoughts I allowed just before I experience this emotions/feelings circulating within my trunk.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to realize that I automatically react to specific words by the relationship what I built up between words and this systematic association network does this emotion/feeling system because as I use words - the 'definition trees' what are hanging on the words are also 'loaded up' and this flows within my human physical body and make this perception of inner separation without even being aware that simply I do it just before I experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to remain inner silent just to not be aware what I experienced before using this as an excuse to actually not realize what I accept and allow continously to be self-honest to actually change as STOP.