Per spect (at) I've
Unusual casual un-arousal carousel
The living words
Welcome to Wordistan!
So when I move - mostly phisically for instance around people on street - I walk - I am walk.
I breath and I walk and I am breath as walk as I am walk as breath.
What I experience - that I am actually aware that I am mostly stuck at a point - and the interesting part is of this when this 'stuck-ness' changes - mostly attention divertion from one point to another - and while I am defining myself as what I am defining - a kind of inner law-enforcement system what determines what to determine - it determines when is time to change the 'subject of what I stuck'.
Simply it is a thought - when I dishwass that can happen:
I remember for something, it can be barely anything and then I just repeat it constantly continously - for instance when I saw George Carlin's video about 'stuffz' - while I diswashed - I repeated this word about a hundred times! Really like a nasty robot what has some failed diodes. It is like I repeat and I do something. And repeating it so strongly, and then sometimes a variation goes, as remembering how Carlin said : 'TOO MUCH STUFF' - and then I repeat this for a couple of times and then just things like that - and after a while it happens as I understand what I do - and I jump over to an 'another memory of Carlin's show' - just like the 'They want to show you the pictures, of these gargoyles' - or an another what happened many times: 'It's all bullshit, folks, and it's bad for ya!'.
I am not sure, that I did this before, but at this moment it can happen - and it is like my accepted and allowed nature almost instantly manifests - first in my head - no supression or not so strong so thoughts are arising constantly - and I am not here...and I am doing what I do phisically - just diswashing or repairing a tool or any like this and I am totally not here just repeating these thoughts. And it is way too intense to be able to desrcribe but I can tell that this is nearly insane.
Obviously I am possessed with my own mind by and actually AS my acceptance and allowance, until I STOP.
The self-definition what I became - not even self I am only self-definition system I became.
Ok--- I realised I did this before, especially when acidtrips I had alone - probably I did the same when I was kid -- fear.
Expression I am - and when I judge - I can judge the judgement to justify the justification.
And actually I want to stop but first I allow myself to logically explain with the language of programming by words to how and why to stop and then I am freezed because I realise that I stuck in a loop and then I do some 'circles' and then 'SHIT' stand up and I literally just realize what I do and simply I start to act - and in fact then I do not think over, I just do - and I can experience for instance for some cases I start to act to actually escape from self-definition - and this is not who I really am - as I accept and allow a starting point of action-reaction as consciousness system. It is unacceptable, complicated and very very unpractical - as it always has a 'wheelup/warmup' time.
Because I start to act immediately when the frustration and supression reaches it's level when I programmed myself to act immediately - but until that I really need to do this to be able to act - and by this I am the slave of my own polarity - of my own creation what is my limitation and I became.
Also I rewatched porn to see my reactions and I got aroused and I did it again but I did not masturbated, but I became 'wet' and then I realised what I do - and also at one time while I watched this - I observed what is here and this is what I wrote:
"Looks like I react to perceived other's reactions...
what are basically has to be within me to be able to even recognise, and then react.
So seeking other's reactions: I seek my reactions arising to other's reactions - what are already within me but 'alone' I can't experience them because I want to experience this relationship indirectly with my defined reactions to perceived(by defined) other's reactions - to validate it's realness, finally my realness - because in fact I am not real only this relationship and it is not real.
So all the time about this and no need to see directly how excactly it is here - but indirectly is not so obvious that I am delusioning myself about this whole 'way of life' is but an illusion."
Hmm a bit foggy, but the meaning of this is like I define myself according my reactions to my own definitions - based on my other definitions what are used to define reactions.
So I define the picture-based existence based my own reactions - what are also based on my reactions, only on a different level.
Multi-leveled definition-reaction system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from words.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of what thoughts I allow - and compounding it for a level until it is obviously overwhelming.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the thoughts will stop if I do say 'STOP' and then diverting my attention to breath - this is separation - I am already breath - I am already here.
Diverting attention to here is not possible - because what is here can not be attended - can not be attained, it is common sense - because I am actually phisically here, and my attention is an indication that I am working on and as what is not here - what is not who I really am, what is not real.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stuck in a single thought - simply those thoughts I can stuck what I reacted - positive, negative all are the same - so when I defined something as really good or really bad - it comes back to smack into my head and I am experiencing until I do not let it go by realizing that is not who I am, that is not necessary to define myself by and as this to actually express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to express myself as I just momentary am here to simply LIVE as self-expression, because of fearing of other's judgement and fear from being outcasted or rejected. These are past'based mind-carvings what are not necessary anymore - because I am here as life as breath as one as equal as all in oneness and equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to being aroused to the picture of sexual content such as pussy, dick, clit or the sound of of screaming a woman.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to supress my sexual desire - because I judged as nasty, and I judged as my drug and I judged it as not so 'profound' and I judged it as 'makes me tired' and 'I can be possessed on it if I let it happen' - so basically fearing from being stuck in sex - so I simply escaped from this, and I defined myself 'good when I do not need sex' - to polarize the desire and judging it ad bad and at the same time judging 'to not have sex' as good.
Yes this is an usual human-excuse - as I have this shit, I fight against it, but when I lose, 'hey I am only a human', everyone needs desire, sex. Self-definition, self-defeat, self-pity. Bullshit, and it's bad for ya. LOL
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I everything is here - simply I am here and I apply myself constantly and continously here with me as me as breath as expression and live the words what I speak as one as equal as me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define Carlin as good - instead of realising that I judge him about he could express himself, even about shit, especially about he do not take shit, and I did not this because I was freaky, coward or self-doubtful and too tricky to want to be the nice guy more likely than who kick asses.
But in fact it is unacceptable. I can't take shit anymore, especially total mind-bullshit.
Of course also is to be aware to not attack any sentient being, because they are all reflecting me back trough my self-defined self-existence as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put a girl's picture into my mind's podium about the good relationship's target she could be and then becoming totally possessed and not be able to experience what is here - and want to have to meet with my own definitions what are based on previous definitions, such as cute, beautiful or optimal or love or support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for have sex but at the same time not wanting to do it because then it would be obvious what I desire for - and I defined myself trough and as this polarity of resitance/fight winning, losing and without it I could not define myself according to the self-definitions about me based on past.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that the mind is taking samples from those moments when there were 'peaks' of reactions such as 'emotions'/'feelings'/'thoughts' and the apostrophes are indications of it can be various kind of subject but their nature are the same - self-defined mind-picture-based sound-vibrational frequency samples.
This is again looks like the fuzzy logic control system.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as pervert just because I saw sexual videos on internet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define others as pervert just because they are expressing themselves just like they are really obsessed with sexual behaviour. I mean behaviour because it is commonly not self-expression - doing this and that and that's all - and everyone are rushing after the energetic lifting and the release.
So profound, so hollow.
Bitter dark raw straight intense stable
These words are me - but I defined these based on other definitions - to separate myself from these words, to simply associate to things and then reacting on a self-programmed way - but in fact I supressed these expressions because I had 'kind of' problems with these.
This awareness is quite interesting - a kind of below the conscious 'mode' - as I am not even conscious about what I write - no prediction - but yet it continous and not totally nutty insanity - and I am expressing myself and I am just typing and I am here as the words on this screen, and when autosaves, I am here on the blog server, I am here on the blogpost, and in fact I am here as the keyboard, and I am here as the music I hear(Amon tobin) and I am here as the intense spotlight what is shining upon me and in fact I am here as everything what I do not define yet I experience.
This is what I allow to stop by facing with some shit from past and I supress it or I stop to express myself, because:
- I want to define what came up - not realising that I already defined this, that's why it came up based on a condition
- I want to define what came up, because I want to examine to decide it is 'good enough' or not and then by defining it as good I sink into my positive reactions - or when defining as bad then re-examining from an another perspective or experiencing reactions and I stop express myself and going inside, supressing, etc etc
- I want to define because I want to remember for this, about 'hey I am aware' - but when I judge it - I already lost my expression as simply undefined moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not being good enough - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from being judged about I am not good enough. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider myself about I am good enough or not. Common sense. Good enough for what? For me? Self-defnition - obvious mind-fuck, not real. For others? Obvious mind-fuck - compromise, self-doubt, separation. STOP.