Interesting what I experience - in the last year I stopped to take psychedelic stuffs such as acid, mushroom, ganja etc - and what I experienced with these - I was kind of tuned onto something and when I realised their limits, I did put down these 'tools' - because I separated myself from these, and in fact I separated myself from myself by these - yet I could explore myself more intensely than before - and it has a polarity as everything what comes from the mind - and I enjoyed myself extensively as being conscious! or being aware of things around me, extensively I pronounce the music.
And in the last year I totally stopped this and I was like this is related to drugs, and then yesterday at the first time since looong loong ago, I had nothing to do, I was just on the bed to take a nap and it happened so fastly, even I was about to rest more, but then I was awake and I listened the music what I put in - and I just listened - and I had nowhere to rush inside of me, and I allowed myself just enjoy what is here as music as me and it was extensive! Even I was like on acid - I heard all parts of the music, and in fact I experienced the music inside of me as me - interesting exploration - this is kind of not even a 'hearing'.
And I experienced this many many many times before, and I was totally forgot what kind of experience is this, and yesterday many stuff just I became aware about, especially that everything is here as me - and I 'wanted to throw out' these experiences/experiments about psychedelics - and it is not possible - and this is a real gift of me as me to be here as joy as awareness and I was naturally ROFLing about how cool the music within and as me.
Ok but this is not the whole story, as I have really flat sound nearfield studio monitor speakers with specific amplifier what makes the sound just awesome - and the music!
Peace orchestra I've listened this many many times before with acid and this was kind of similar experience, BUT - without anything, without anything what made my mind glow - and of course people said to me - "Hey Tala, you took too much, you've managed yourself to remain high, that's why you don't take anymore..." Hmm if the 'highness' could mean that I found myself here and the seekness makes me to be not here than when I just accept myself here and enjoy whatever I experience, then this is it...
Self-direction - what this means for me at the moment?
This means that I move - and I direct myself and I act and whatever I do - I do not define - I do not separate it from myself anymore - of if I find that I still do - then self-direction means to stop this definition-based self-definition-kind expression(what is in fact suppression) - and applying self-forgiveness is self-direction when naturally, absolutely, momentary it is here as me as one as equal.
And I direct myself and I express who I am at the moment - whatever it means - the meaning is just that I am expression and I explore and I influence and I am here.
So I am preparing myself to write a book about my drug experiences, and this is self-direction. And I continue to translate some articles, the 'origin of self' is about 1/3 and I will continue the Structural resonance articles. This is a great support and I explore my communication skills.
And I realised that in hungarian I can't even express myself according to the process of self-realisation because I've never heard, the english words are coming up when I say - and this can be a real stabilization and support to translate.
And I really want to make videos, especially videoclips without using text layers to be able to express myself with sound and movies only and I direct myself to not start multiple 'projects', only doing one at a time - and this is looks like a bit 'slow', because I have accepted and allowed myself to do multiple things all the time and mostly I did not finished these, so I want to direct myself to do one and then move on to the next one - to develop discipline, to develop trust, to develop focus.
The new one is about one minute from four and I enjoy it extensively and will continue until it's finished.
What came up recently, that I dreamed about a girl, and it repeated, the dream was different but the starting point of the dream about this girl was the same, and in fact I started to being attracted to this girl one and half year ago but I just stepped out of this scene because of my fears and my inhibitions and my suppressions - and she had a boyfriend and I did not wanted to mess up things and I simply stopped to meet with her and also at this times I had the kind of 'command to me from me' about 'I do not need girlfriend' - and this was because I did not wanted to face with myself as myself what I already accepted and allowed within and as myself as desire as self-doubt and the desire to control, manipulate, get attention and positive feedbacks to be able to react to get trust indirectly, conditionally and of course divert my attention from myself to an apparently beautiful being who respects me with her precious attention, care, love etc.
And this was real bullshit and also I knew that this is kind of stinky, because until that point I got some experiences, memories about this kinf or 'relationships from several girls.
So I was unsure and I was like 'it's better to not mess up with the beehive'.
And about 6 weeks before I dreamed with her and I was like ok, this could mean anything, and maybe I write to ther to meet, but then I did not.
And then when I dreamed again with her, it was more obvious that I have unfinished business with her - and there is nothing to do with her personally, because it is showing my nature what I have accepted and allowed within myself.
And I wrote to her simply to face with this physically and anyway anything can happen, except that I go into a relationship - because I am aware that is of mindfuck.
So I will meet with her and she wrote that she has some exams and then we will meet, and I am facing with the mind-work to 'think about this or her' and then I stop this bullshiting, because it is not real. But what is more important to not just stop the thinking about her at the moment, but to see what is of the starting point, and the actual reason of why I 'went into this'. And then applying self forgiveness specificly and then to not follow this pattern. Or if yes - this can bring me 'more deeper' or indicates that my self forgiveness was not real from the perspective of being one and equal with and as me as applying as actual change.
So it looks fun to face with this and not fight agains myself, more likely then 'hmm let's see and then express and direct and change.
And after that some faces - those who I referred before as 'friends' - said to me that they met with her and she is totally kind of lost and would be cool that I meet with her anyway.
So if this will happen, I do not let myself to bullshiting, so I prepare myself: examining the definitions and opinions about her what I accepted and allowed to form and participate and maintain and broadcast - what are simply just of memory and would determine myself according to her what is unacceptable.
I defined her as beautiful, really awesome gorgious kind of perfect shaped, faced girl.
And by polarizing I defined her as silly, childish, unmature and naive.
And then to polarize this too, I defined this as cool but I defined this that I could not bear her for a long time, because she can 'miaouwww' all the time what makes many people tired but for short burst I enjoyed it extensively, especially when she did this kind of 'miaooouw' expression toward me.
So this unfolds much, but I go more...
I met with her in a buddhist camp, and she does meditation quite much but not really an 'ironheaded' one than other guys who I know(and in fact these all have built up a polarity about not to be aware and 'having' an obsession with another stuff to equalize this intention to get enlightened...anyway...)
We once ate magic mushroom with other 2 persons and we enjoyed ourselves quite much, we slept outside on the balcony and enjoyed to sleep 4 of us to sleep together and she slept on my side and her feet was on my feet totally because she felt cold and I enjoyed it but I did not allowed myself to enjoy this totally because she had boyfriend and anyway it was not sexual stuff, more likely an innocence expression. And in that time I was possessed to want to with an another girl and my mind was about that girl, but in fact I liked this one more likely but I gave up because she had friend already.
So this was cool experience and one more when we met was about we went into museum to see inca exhbibition and we enjoyed together and I enjoyed that she is so joyful and she could laugh so much that she had to sit on the ground and people just looked and I enjoyed that she can express herself. There were some more occasions when we met but after a while we did a gmail chat and she asked about do I miss her and I said no, but in fact yes and I said to her that 'your boyfriend who should miss you, what you have, so I can't and I was speaking about trance to divert the topic.
And she always wanted me to 'take her to goaparty' and I did not do, but also I wanted.
So if I am aware of these dishonesties and apply self-forgiveness about this, I wont fall into the same mindtrap what I did several times.
First of all to become obsessed with the picture presentation of her body, face, eyes etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my human physical eyes to see the pictures of the girl, not realising that for my human physical eyes can only see what my mind can see, based on memory and self-definitions what are projected to outside.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tend to follow and wanting to see only pictures what I judged as 'beautiful', 'nice' to divert my attention from myself who I judged as 'not so nice', 'ugly', 'mediocrate' etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the pictures what I see in the mirror or directly from my eyes on my head.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define G as beautiful, nice, marvellous, gorgious, just because of my definitions match with her picture presentation of her mind consciousness system. In this case the one mind consciousness system looks at an another mind consciousness system and here is no life at all as awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define her expressions as childish, naive just because I judged children as this and I judged myself that I am uncapable to express myself so naturally and I defined this childish - indicating that I am not child anymore as I am not expressing myself as this, and even I defined this as 'not desireable', but not totally, only sometimes.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realise that I seek the childishness within her because I defined that I lost this within me and to 'get back' I want to be her because then when I am with her - I can be like this as her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to become childish by a condition - instead of realizing that I am already here as child - so stop wanting and push myself trough my limits based on memory and locked by fear and express and express and express here constantly, continously.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be with her and desire to have sex with her and to touch and see her and have her because then I am more with her than without - indicating that I define and experience myself as hollow as not total and this is why I want her to get the idea of perceived totality what I could not find, experience alone here, just because of the self-definied self-separation by desire, by self-doubt, self-pity, self-defeat.
This is a cool gift to be aware why I could desire this girl, because then I can be free of my desire.
So this point I will return again and again and again until it's not totally clearly here as me as one as equal and then when we meet I am here and I direct myself here and I assist myself and her as one as equal to not mindfuck anymore.
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