Sunday, December 28, 2008

Using strategy game as forgiveness

Whatever I do, wherever I walk - I let myself to walk and any comes up - what is already here - I forgive - I forgive myself to react, I forgive myself to desire, I forgive myself to being pissed off, I forgive myself what I have accepted and allowed myself to became, to do, to stuck, to perceive, to want, every single point, without exclusion, without exception ruthlessly, specifically, continously, stabily here.

This point became very clear that everything can be forgiven for myself as myself and this is the key of my actual physical change to be able to remain inner silent to unify me in and as a single breath and remain stable as self-expression as all as me as equal.

So I've been quite busy with the computer game Supreme Commander, and it's second part, the Forged Alliance - and I've managed myself trough it on Easy level, on Normal level, and it became not challenge - and I did not get bored from it totally, but I will soon - so I just let myself to go trough it on Hard level and by this I am facing with several points what I did but not yet so extensively as on this way - because this is real hard.

As I start to write it: it becomes clear that this is just a transcendence point within myself - as I could simply deny this within me and avoid to not embrace at the moment - as I did some times with trying to avoid work to get money or even try to avoid to touch woman to probe that I do not need woman and by this defining this to me 'you see - you bear without it, so you are free of it' - but this indicates of the starting point of proving avoidance what does not gave me the stable natural 'freedom' of it - because if I deny - I resist and it persists.
The same with this game stuff - and this has already happened with drugs - I was really obsessed and I simply understood that the starting point to become so intimidated with drugs was to find out what is happening, what is going on and who I am...
And when I came to the conclusion to that I am here and I am applying myself to change myself in physical application and the tool is self-forgiveness, writing - I simply could put the drugs down - and also I did several cycles to 'get bored' on it and 'to understand that smoking for instance id death for me because gave me the strength of my thoughts what was really brainpusher for some times. Anyway I always knew that I I will put durgs down in a single minute when I decide - but I was not sure when will happen - and exactly one year ago this happened and it's ok, and interesting to observe druggy people, what reactions I accept and allow about this in the moment.
So this is just an overview about how I managed to change myself to actually stop drugs to be able to face with myself here.

And everything is equal and one with myself what I apply at the moment - there is no less important stuff, everything is not only connected but I am.
So these points come up in this game I embrace to physical application because the word virtual can be applied to anywhere - as my accepted and allowed behavior is already virtual as it formed from ideas from the mind based on suppressed expression as thoughts.

What came up at first is to be specific and ruthless. I have to be ruthless to expand and very specifically be aware how to be and how to manage it and why.
Awareness - not only conscious as conscious is logical but limited to it's starting point.

And also fascinating that I already have knowledge about these levels in this game but in fact I can not use it as in hard level the enemy is really stronger and those tactics what I've applied before means nothing and are flawed.

Also what I am aware of when I have to be hurry - I hold my breath up because of I have no simple idea of why, but probably of fear - and participating in the petrification of fear for the moment by obsessing myself with a picture and within that I stuck and I am not here as body as breath.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hold my breath up to participate within fear to stuck to see one picture within my mind - and it can be only one or severals at the same time but the basis is fear.

For instance to fear that I will loose these units or the commander will be hit strongly(and if dies - mission fails) or this unit wont be enough or things like that.
Also when I define that things happen too fast I can hold up my breath as only be conscious of the 'it's too fast'-ness.

Also what I am already aware of that I allow myself to think - even many thoughts I experience just from the 'other side of the river' - as I do these but I am not aware of it and I even do not remember - as this is just like a symbiotic with the act - as the act has became(the physical act) the thought directly - as I thing something and I do it and I think and do it - by enforcing myself to manifest my mind what was a good idea to be able to force myself to direct in situations when I can't express myself naturally.
For instance in 'intense' moments.

And in the game there is a lever which allows me to slow the game down or speed it up so the easyness can be called all the time - but
-there are situations when the slowing down wont hep as it already manifested(for instance too many units are coming to my base)
-the real-time-ness is extensicely reducing and it is a kind of cheat - as with a living human opposite - I can not do this - so I tend to not use this until it's necessary.
-when units are just waiting for build/repair/go and I am busy with others to give commands - the timeslowing comes very handy for a moment - I slow all down, send all to work and time goes on and all do what needs to do...

Hmm these points I can not deny anymore, and I use these stuffs as a gift to be aware of transcendence points what are here and why and how I've separated myself from my power trough participation within the mind to become this personality.
Because this personality is's been made up - no need and very artificial and quite limiting who I really am.

So let's write self rorgiveness specifically and ruthlessly on these points what I wrote...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not being aware that I accept and allow a thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I think.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment that I thought.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that I think and then I do not remember for it and in the next moment I am not aware of that I was thinking - even when multiple 'thoughtchains' I 'did'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts as a wireframe to manifest my physical application by building the act within my head by thoughts before I start to act - as a program and then do it - or by thinking continously and constantly, like become obsessed, kind of whiping myslf by my thoughts to act out the actual step of the physical application.

(When I manage an attack against the enemy base in the game, I tend to use multiple kind of units, what are approaching the attack area from different paths - and is cool to 'make a plan' and program the attack totally and then just observe it, but this wont work in hard way(kind of the most similar to what is 'real') - so I grab a unit, or a group of it and give a command - to go or build or destroy something.
And when I do it - I can stuck in the thought of commanding the unit until I do not get feedback trough my physical eyes trough the screen that is just happened - I am repeating the command in my head - and it can be multiple points but at the same time it is one kind of act.
For instance: when something happens what I do not want: I repeat to command the unit to 'escape' by saying to 'no, no, no, this should not happen, and go, go, go, go, go" - instead of remain stable, calm, and just see what is here and what can be applied and when the conclusion is that this is lost, then not only see that this is lost, but why and how it happened - to actually not accept and allow it to happen again)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use computer game to escape from physical act of impacting as influecnce - because of defining it 'too real' and fearing to 'change it on my image and likeness' from the perspective of what will be the reaction of others or fearing from failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider about other's perception and when I am stating out that I do not care what others think - I do it to balance the fact that I care - because my starting point was to perceive myself trough other's perception because I had no own stable, 'trustable' perception of myself or even about others.
So the perception to perceive myself from the mirror of my acts based on what others react to me is quite logical but indicates one single point within myself: doubt.
I doubt within myself so I want to form myself according to my fears of others to conform to get feedbacks from others what are I've defined as positive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from doing bad things - this comes from childhood when parents or grownups could punish me if I did a mistake or even I did something what brought something up within them what they did not liked - and I have not allowed myself to realize that there is nothing to do with them personally, because they are showing up their own accepted and allowed behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from I repeat something extensively because then I could perceive myself as a robot - not realizing that if I define anything - I am already a robot.

another session---
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define warsounds as explosions, shoots define as loud and disturbing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the sound of the rocket, and becoming obsessed to call back this mind-picture of the sound of the rocket and when walking around in this existence, even hearing this sound around me - but in fact I hear the picture within my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate more likely witihin thinking than breathing when I have to solve a situation urgently.

Ok it became clear that I have a tendency to use polarity manifestation to manipulate me - for instance:
when I do something and I say: ok, this is not the best what I can do, but until I do, I open myself up, and see what I participate here - and then I do - and this would be quite effective, but within the participation I simply lose myself as the self-direction to be able to finally stop - and this is like - ok, I play this game, and I do not post this article until I do play with this game, just making it an example, as : ok I did this article and I stopped to play - but in fact I do not want to stop to play, so I do not post this article, just saving as a draft and when I stop to play the game, I will post it - but in fact I will play the game until I wont play out with all 3 kind on hard level, so it will be more 14 levels.
And trying to manipulate the outcome in order to be able to see as effective - because I am not experiencing this effectiveness...

Kind of messy if I at the moment have to say about, but the self-commitment I am here: whatever I do, I trust me and I walk trough it as me.
Fear of judgement, fear of other-s judgement or even fear of other-s suggestion about how I express to be able to realize what I have accepted and allowed: unacceptable.
push push push
pull pull pull
push push push

This is quite intense how I operate inside when I play with games - and the solution would be just like stop gaming - but I want to play, so if I want to play, I push me to stop inner movement while I play, and I am sure when I will stop think when I play, eventually I will stop to play.

And fascinating because what is necessary to not think while playing - self-will, self-motivation, self-discipline, breath and slow down inside and trust me and accept what is here.
So it is like an intense stimulation as simulation how I operate in real 3D.

Because for years I was able to calm and hypnotize myself with the fact - actually with the knowledge and a partial self-trust, that
-I can direct myself and I express here and I can do this,

but I could not stabilize this as a continous expression of me, so rather I found excuses and I found seemingly enough to be able do identify myself with this abiliy as 'I can do this' and justifying myself with other things such as "but first I do this and that" or "was not effective enough" - to simply not push myself trough my limits to explore how I could stabilize this expression...
Self definition of this world became me and I fear let go - and when I compound the energy, I breath trough until the energy is discharged and then
-I can state out, that I can break trough, so I can remain witihn my self-defined limits, because even if I accept and allow this shit, I can break trough when I decide
-I can remain to not face with the main transcendence points - what are called 'main' at this moment because I never faced those really or when I attempted, I 'failed' - such as remain inner silent more than some hours.

So interesting - it is still like a dam and when I open a tap, another taps open and then the dam is starting to flood and getting more and more intense and then I close the tap - hmm self definition - kind of wanting to enjoy myself but this myself is what I have defined and using myself as self expression to create this space within me what is not real but I make it real and when it starts to fall apart, I move and I recreate. Like the beaver, animal support?

So I wanted to write that I could do for some minutes - like I click, I direct, I express and I breath - so I move along, and I write self forgiveness and I write self-direction, I write self-scripting and I write what I experience.

Interesting because when I click, I direct, is looks like robot-like - but in fact this is really effective, and I called it robot-like because what I defined not robot like is the real robot-like - and for robots the non robots are robots.
Because for a robot - who is self-directive - looks like very determined, specified, directive, exact and effective - because I am here, I direct here what is here with and as myself and I express - I click as me, I direct units as me...
so the inner system is like a slow cache with random noise - but this random noise is like the previous version's codes are still here and processing....

So have to locate and eliminate the previous codeversions bz understanding and correcting the expression here without using that code and trusting myself to explore without pre-coding operation, breath by breath.

And it's interesting because I have vast knowledge and I do not use, and I do not believe, but when some days ago I realised that I never commited myself into something totally, absolutely, fully / this realizations changes me slowly but surely, because then the question comes, what if I do? What can I lose? I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define something what makes me fail to as impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I failed instead of trusting myself unconditionally and being honest with myself as what is this fail?
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when too much I have to push on and the resources are limited - instead of realizing that I have manifested this situation by my self-defined limits and there is nothing to do with the already manifested situation but with myself - but who I am within this expression and am I really self-honest, do I have reactions inside?
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have memory of that I could not do that in the past.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up something because I have multiple memories about multiple experiences when I apparently failed.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to push myself continously to my limits - and even when I am aware of myself, after allowing some thoughts and not applying physical changing application such as self forgiveness - then these 'some allowed thoughts' compound, reoccur and becoming stronger and causing another manifestations such as tirednes or feelings.
I forgive myself that I Have not realized that absolute standing means that I do not fall again from the perspective to stuck in the acception and allowance of the mind continously.
I forgive myself that I have tried to avoid the 'hard' situation in the strategy game by lowering the difficulty to normal and then defining that 'ok then I will go with this one more to prepare' instead of restart immediately and trusting myself - because I am sure that there is a way to make it done and it will be as self-trust as I made it done and that's all and move along.
I forgive myself to remain within my limited definition system especially when something conflict arises - instead of realizing the program and applying self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-intimacy.

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