But this time it was like a click, a buttonstate change as I had this pain in one moment(I am facing with some wet nose, head/throat pain) there was no pain at all, and in the next moment, the left ear was full in pain and also I was kind of aware of the nose is containing the nose stuff and it was strange - as the pain was like tube-like - as the ear inside probably is the same - so the pain was tube-like and was interesting, and the most strangest part was like a switch operated for a while - I had no pain, and then I had 'full' pain - and when I had no pain, was kind of 'more pleasant' but then I was not aware of the 'tube in my ear'.
And I realised I am managing this pain, it is like a program running in the mind consciousness system, as this 'sickness' - and actually I tried different strategies how to get trough with this shit, and actually looks like if I accept - I experience, but if I deny - I fight and then it becomes stronger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically participate within thoughts inside of my head when I am waking up in the morning on the matrace in my sleeping bag.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that without thinking I can not peace myself down to the state of being 'normal'/'calm'.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted myself as who I am at this moment and by thinking trying to deny, to cover what is here as me by the continous participation within thinking - what is the past-based transcendence points what I carry, and repeat until I embrace, forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as sick.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to define sickness as tiredness and sleepyness and painful.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself to being sick and not even being aware of this act - instead of realizing the thoughts in the moment when I participate and understand and embrace and forgive and stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek - to manifest seekness - I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to getting sick by seeking after seex.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe, to think that if I do not let go my compounded sexual energy then I get sickness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to believe, to think also that I can get sickness more easily if I did sex in the last days because then I have no energy and without that I could get sickness, because the energy what protects me from sickness/harm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form any belief related to energy by continous participation/repetition within thinking related to energy, my energetic state, my energy level or my ability to act, perceive, move or remain inner silent.
I forgive myself that I Have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I manage to release the energy on a huge level than I can get rid of it once and for all - instead of realizing that this is reoccuring because the participation within contionous thinking and allowing myself to become emotional or use 'feelings' to being occupied/entertained.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my act when I write to somebody on the forum and I write directly and judging it 'agressive' - because of my memory contains pictures when pepole were direct to me and I perceived as an attack - instead of realizing that my belief system was in the fear of being attacked because in truth it is not real, and that's why I was afraid to loose it because I defined myself as this beliefsystem.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my desires to one specific person who I perceive as a possible 'sexual target' instead of realizing the struggle to occupy myself with something from outside of me and trying to find a way to release my energetic compound on a apparently gentle way when the other person could give back very positive feedback - and by this I could stabilize this kind of expression because she would like it and then it is acceptable from looking it outside - instead of realizing the dishonesty and I forgiving myself to participate within emotion and not using a sexual relationship as a starting point.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the actual tiredness or sleepyness is manifested because I am not aware of the breath each one by one, moment by moment and when I am not aware of the breath, I am not here, but I am participate within the mind and I give my power away from being here to being 'there' what is the manifested past - and that's why I experience this -- instead of being sure that I do not fly away, I direct myself, I discipline myself, I motivate myself and I am here as breath and if looks like something support is necessary, then instead of thinking, I can use writing, or saying out aloud.
I forgive myself that I can be afrad if saying out aloud what is actually inside because then what others would think and I could be exposed because based on what others could perceive about me I built up a personality and in fact/in truth inside of me is more subtle, more complex, more chaotic, more separationbased and I made the habit to define me by what others would perceive about me and when I worry about what others would think about is is indicating that I am actually fearing to lose my mask what I defined as myself.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me unconditionally in every single moment of every single breath to say aloud what is going inside because then others would response as I am nuts.
I forgive myself that I define myslf according to how others define me, indicating that I do not trust me.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust me here to remain inner silent.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the moring as breath as me as moment as me.
i forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to wake up in the morning as inner silence as breath as who I am as life.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the mind to cover or hide things from me what are also me but I judged as unwanted and then I separated these from me by projecting definitions - instead of realizing that all is bullshit, and who I am is undenyable, and to face with this is inevitable, because it is already here, I am already here.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize in every single moment, of every single breath that I am an unified man already.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed react to my name, Berta Jozsef in anyway whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate Berta Jozsef to my father who has the same name and his father who has the same name.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike my name because it makes me remember to this phyisical reality, to this hungarian being, to this postcommunist west-balcanic swampy grey , natural and meaningless state of living.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father related to what he did, instead of realizing that this was preprogrammed, and everything was more likely a movie by screenplay what was prescripted and then it ran down - just like the levels in computer games - and nothing to do with my father or with his father personally, but the question is what is my reaction to this, because this is the point where I accepted and allow enslavement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define disturbing my name because I defined Jozsef as biblical, and I defined biblical as a jew and I defined jew as stupid or silly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define who I am at the moment by my given birthname, instead of realizing that is of memory, that is of consciousness, my name is not physical and only influences me at the moment when I accept and allow to participate within this belief.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape from experiencing myself as who I am at this moment within this system as my location as who I became within and as consciousness - rather then embracing it, accepting myself to be opened and allowing myself to experience what is here and direct me to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience reactions inside of me when I hear the sound of 'Berta Jozsef' - instead of being opened with myself and be aware what is the cause and why I experience this reactions and forgiving these to be able to stop and change and remain inner silent.
I forgive myslf that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am not aware of being here as moment as breath as self- movement - actually I am manifesting the preprogrammed shit of me - and if I accept it and allow this - I am the responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from my father's example about if I would 'release me', than I could finish as he did(dead).
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to die at this moment because I want to things to be done what I did not managed to manifest yet.
I forgive myself to define myself as living by hunting those experiences what I want - instead of being comfortable with myself as myself here as breath as self-movement as self-direction and trusting myself as self-expression constantly, continously without participation within any thought, emotion, feeling.
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