This is a diary shit like post lol - scripting up or avoiding forgetfulness or simply express myself as writing instead of supressing.
Stopping interesting topic - as I gathered many possibilites of interests as busyness to do - but these are not excuses to not stop?
Probably I was afraid of not being able to express myself and I started to manifest multiple threads and here I am - many possibilites what I wanted to do - kind of desire to express myself on these ways - and here I stop the desire, because the very manifested desire of my personality what looks like an obsticle to simply let myself to express.
I have the programmable robot kit, what I've managed to get - this is what I really enjoy to do, and I will - this stuff was since of childhood - I realized that I focused too much on computer shit, and I wanted to 'return back to 3D' - and this kind of stuff I did before when I was a kid, but this is more specific...
So I have the stuffz, I want to manifest something and I will do it and that's all.
Also I have the best/newest video animator/editor softwares to work with and I enjoy this, because these are very good fun - so I do the clip suffs, and this prepares me for the forthcoming projects such as movies and etc.
Music stuff, I finally bought a cheap mic, and only what needs is a soundcard with a preamp to be able to link it to the computer, and in couple of weeks I will manage this - and I will start to record the jewsharp stuff and I will play with my sound as well, and I will see how I can play with the desteni jam-o.
Also Lacko will come or his girlfriend and they will rap up the lyrics for our project. In related to this, I have to figure out how I can easily boost up the sound quality of the tracks what he wrote in Reason, because these are cool tracks but the quality of the sound is kind of crap. And I trust myself and that's it.
Also I am really close to start to make my own music and it's interesting because I sense inside of me the need of doing this but something still holds me and I will explore this in writing more because this is cool to let go all judgement and express myself as breath as making music and sound compositions.
Writing, not only blog, but little stories, and related to my experiences to build up small fragments of screenplays, characters, beats.
Also programming I can enjoy, I see it when I built the SR app, I experienced as joy to do that - I was aware what and how I want to make it done and I did it.
So I will explore more the flex stuff, some more app I will make...
These are kind of busyness what I am doing at these days - and oh yes playing - I enjoy to click games and more and more times I am transforming this expression as breath - I started to make a big post on why and how I use strategy game as self-forgiveness to be aware what I have accepted and allowed myself here and forgiving specific points to prepare myself to change.
What I enjoy that I allow myself to figure out what I could manifest and then selecting one and not releasing it until it's done - and specificly push myself to do it and finish what I start - but ensuring that to begin only what I really want - and then doing doing and not allowing to give up - and then it's done and going to the next stuff.
So this clip I will continue and then I will translate some more chapters in the SR to hungarian.
Also I was like I was not participated within sexual desires for one month like not using pictures and not even desiring to have sex and interesting that after 3 weeeks I started to think that I did it, and I started to judge my 'pause' what was like to stop habit - and finally I was browsing around the net and I clicked to one link and then some sex stuff started and I clicked around for a while until I was kind of aroused and then I stopped and went to sleep and what I enjoyed to not judge myself that I 'fall into' - but simply saying self forgiveness and remain in moment - and in the morning it came up again and even I had some physical manifested pain down there and I had to realize the stupidity of my stubborn program of behaviour and then realizing that this whole shit is not necessary so not let myself to do this again. Looks like small steps what I am quite of aware but the programs what are kind of 'in my nerves' so to say are still automatically making steps within my expression - for instance an ex-girlfriend of the guy who I lived with - and she called me about 'what's up' and then I associated to her as a possible sexual 'target' because I know that she's kind of 'hungry of sex' and even she showed this up many times and I directed me to avoid this but some shit looks like I supressed and came up as an association as her as my definition as separation,
This small step probably helped to manifest to that one click when I automatically decided to click in the moment - refractionally I am one and equal what I have accepted and allowed - or for instance the thoughts of
'At the company the receptionist girl is really nice, and the receptionist girls are here for handling them as cute and playing this male-female role shit, and then letting this go in head but in fact when she walked by I turned after her and smiled on me how I watched her body - instead of leting go of desire after experiencing my totality because this very act of participation of this desire causes me to not actually experience myself here and makes me intend to move after pictures.
This is what I can forgive simply here:
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that also the small steps are me one and equal, and small steps make big steps and every moment looks like as a small step, but in fact all moments are one and equal who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think to specific girls as possible sexual target for instance to play with the idea in my mind to fuck or lick or even kiss or stuff like this - instead of realizing that I do not want this really, but the sexual desire is compounded and leaking out trough thoughts what manifest events such as she is approaching me and kind of temptating me - instead of realizing that I temptate me by allowing myself to program myself trough mind-memory-pictures.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have not transcended desire just because for 3 weeks I did not participated in sex at all - only I suppressed it - and this happened many times and this actually wont solve anything only I play around the bush instead of directing me to physically change.
Also I judged sex separatedly from me as trying to seal as a demon instead of realizing that this is me also - and fondle it with fears and making it complicated - but in fact when I am here and breath and trust me and being able to honest with myself and letting go in the moment what is not here - then the mind has no chance.
I was like I desired to not have sex desire because I had memory how whole I experienced myself when I had no desire - so this what I wanted - but instead of letting go desires - I added one more desire to not have desire and this was a big fuckup. And then fighting against it - fighting against me - first of all trying to see it differently by projecting different shit 'out there' - and by the responses building up who I should be and then who I am - and the continous difference what I experience from this perceived/desired me and the actual experience made this KRrrrrrwkkkk wanting to tear apart my head when it was too much...
The tree of life of Talamon is really assisting me - very specificly built up interview word by word - I am greatful of me as life assiting and supporting me to birthing myself from the physical.
And one more before I go sleep that I became aware what Sunette mentioned around a year ago on chat that what I realized already, is because I express self-honesty as writing - and nothing I can be greatful really or thankful but myself - and this not means nothing special really but I am self trust here. Because I have proven myself many times and I will prove it as more as I will to manifest absolute self trust as breath as life - because this is what I am aware that myself I can trust infinitely.
And many stuff I even have not words for it - as I suppressed - but as I let myself to express as writing - I am bringing forth and actually understanding myself how and where I am responsible for this self-trust - or the lack of self-trust and then how I can stop the doubt once and for all.
This is not like proudness but more likely the expression of life - that here I stand up and this is who I am, I am here.
I do not say that I stood up as life already but I do not give up until it's done because this is who I am - breath of life as the living words - I am here.