Wednesday, September 29, 2010

writing again

writing down all to me
writing down that if i let go of discipline and decision - I loose perspective - I become self oriented.
writing down that if i let go of principle and dedication - I think
writing down that if i let go of breath awareness - I am lost

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to let go of discipline, decision, principle, dedication, breath - is because I think - is because I am lost.

It is unacceptable to accept myself as I am lost, as I am thinking - I stop thinking - I stop being lost - I am here. I breathe through the energetic experience of being lost - I let go - I breath. I remain as presence.

I forgive myself that I accepted myself to define myself as the energetic experience of being lost.
I am here - I am here as expression - within and as the physical. No way to be lost here - as long as I am not dead - I can not be lost - as I have a physical location - here. I am all ways here - I am literally 'here'.
I must direct my situation - I want to become standalone - financially first - to stand without waving.

So I must leave my job. Regardless of money - I must find a more practical way - to make more income with less time - because the time is with I can not deal - it goes - I walk as time if I walk without being pulled down just because of working for money to be able to then I express myself.
I transform already my work and job expression into something without thinking - however - not yet simple breathing presence - it requires discipline and methodology to embrace all situations.

Actually it is very supporting to be in a repetitive place like my workplace is - when I develop inner silence through applied self-will and self-honesty.
Because this one I trust - within self honesty - am I silent? No.
This is obvious - because I have some reference points regarding to exist within no thinking yet being present - but through the long druggy participation meanwhile - those must be transcended first - to be able to face direct experience - then that one can be realized and transcended as well - it is like an onion - or an additive filter-group - each one filters something out from the reality experience - each a little - but there are many - and therefore one's reality is actually very little - so to speak - what one can experience - so then that must be specific and those points form a personality behind and fed by mind-energy - emotions,feelings,thoughts, depicting memory - all energy - addiction to the energy what moves through my body, like wires what are sucking out my physical power continuously - mind is an abomination. must be stopped.
I can not trust a human really who has "moving" mind. Therefore I do not trust myself as well when I am in active thinking for instance - total bullshit. Stop. Breathe. Directly 'see' points and move, act, breath, next.
I must add that something already realized - or being realized - or must be realized - writing has to be very natural.
Not much - simply directly the situation - no need 'dear diary - I am going through a lot of things' -- divertion -- direct specific words -- for instance - 'I write more - because without it - I am being lost.'
Too much happen to be able to write in the 'normal' way - that describing situations and then what happened and I experienced like that -- I must direct myself out from three situations at least:
-finish the museum job asap - it should not be more than some weeks - if I push - otherwise it will rot - and this job I do just because of my polishing my CV - so just do it.
-find a deadline when to : -resignate from job, from the flat what I rent - last date is march - but the more sooner - the more better...

-send the package somehow to sa

if this three will be done - that would mean - I am ready to move and change and find better job - what motivates me more and gives more flexibility to do my own stuff

1 comment:

Valentin Rozman said...

Thanks for sharing Joseph!