Monday, May 6, 2013

[JTL 37] Echoing in my mind part 2: Alcohol

This is a continuation within the 7 years of Journey to Life of the post of:
I am exploring the memories I have on drugs about thoughts echoing in my mind.

I've started with alcohol - with that the feeling was always like I am becoming totally identified with my mind as thoughts, but becoming louder, so loud that within experiencing thoughts so strong that I had no chance to separate thoughts from myself here therefore the total identification happened.

I am giving a context here about that drug as my experiences and my common sense about the point:

I did not drink alcohol since about 6 years so I have no vivid memories about it but the feeling was always like there was a  slowing down within but meanwhile losing the ability to observe my thoughts.

In the beginning I had strong judgments about alcohol because in my family 'alcoholism' was fashion, my father lost his mind with it and my mother hated alcohol and was very afraid I could become like my father and go insane and die, so I abstained myself from drinking until University - and I started to drink only because of being influenced by college roommates who were regular drinkers already around October of 1997.

Since the beginning I felt like becoming 'orc'-ish with alcohol: becoming louder and less inhibited - but obviously not really smarter - but I was so extremely inhibited that with 1-2 shorts I did already see that my inhibition was fading. After drinking I was able to speak to girls what was impossible before - or looking into somebody's eyes, especially to attractive girls. So with alcohol I was able to open up - that was my first motivation to start drinking and of course wanting to participate in the madness what my roommates did when they were drunk and they always described it as the most fun.

The thinking process while being drunk for me was like my thoughts were pumped up fat, muscled and those were like strong 'hits' within my head reverberating - and by that I felt like having some sort of force within fueled by the alcohol - meanwhile I had to juggle with the body's limits to not go into havoc by drinking too much because then I was like seasick and vomiting was triggered and everything was rolling in my vision regardless of the fact that I was standing still - and next day the stupid and self-sabotaging headache and tiredness was really something what I did not really like.

But it was like I was able to strengthen my thoughts to a degree that I had no doubt - I was able to ramble in a direction what my thoughts gave me without questioning - I felt like I was able to live out my stubborn. already concluded cleverness without in fact being clever in the moment by being supported and trusted with the already manifested self-automation.

The positive thoughts gave me more good feelings and with the physically perceived euphoria I did not even realize the echoing in my mind - because I was literally identified myself with these echoes and were kind of muddy and liquid - and I did stupid things while being drunk as well - especially regarding to my girlfriend at the university, for instance when she did sleep with an other guy and had some sort of sexual experience - I was literally kicking her out from my bed while I was drunk after drinking about 1-2-3 bottles of wine and that was just ugly.

I had the thoughts that she is a bitch, I want to kick her ass out and the echoing was not really being repeated within my head because I was already busy kicking her out from my bed in the dorm room in front of the roommates and their girlfriends. This was about in 2000.

The writing of Self-correction on thoughts echoing in my mind phase I had to specifically start with alcohol, because that was my first drug and this wet, loose nastiness I always felt within while being drunk - but my inhibition was gone and that was something worthy because otherwise I was absolutely suppressive even with speaking words properly so I was enjoying having fun like apparently I was able to do so just like in childhood meanwhile with my already grown up but programmed to be suppressed body.

As I see here I was physically manifesting the thoughts echoed in my mind - meaning doing the same stuff all the time already before realizing that it is just an echo/ego in my head and I did it physically without even realizing it - saying the same stupid apparently funny sentence again and again and again while being drunk was one example what we did with the mates.

It was maybe really funny for one moment but to repeat it every day for months was strange yet the feeling I've had with it made it reasonable. Going to the same pubs, drinking the same shitty drinks and rambling on the streets and raving at the same parties for years was the physical manifestation of the self-judgmental thoughts echoing in my mind for about 2-3 years.

Even drinking shorts one after another seems now just like a directly manifested echoing in my mind.

And my 'favorite' obsession/mind-fuck was 'The Woman' already - being sober or while being drunk as well - when moved into college in 1997, I was trying to get obsessed with a girl in my head and trying to connect with her IRL but it did not work - she was too 'grey' and suppressive as well and then once a pretty and very open psychologist girl in the college was asking me about answering for a questionnaire and she seemed to be interested in me and I've realized she is beautiful and open and funny so I was able to echo these in my mind more and more and we met more and then I was quite soon obsessed with her and she was the only one woman who was showing some sort of fascination towards me - as a psychological phenomenon - but for me she was The Angel. Especially when at a college party she realized that when she gives me vodka, I can start to speak. She was talkative and communicative and I was suppressing and inhibited but with alcohol I could speak up my echoes from my mind for what she could respond to and discussions I've made with a woman for the first time without inhibitions. That was one reason to accept offering drinks.

I am not going into the wild animistic rave-frenzy part of my obsession with alcohol here now what we did regularly with my roommates in the name of 'university, party, fun, freedom' keywords - but that we became for a while by literally manifesting the echoes in our minds without being able to be responsible.

I was stealing and destructing and provoking and abusing without even realizing it and I do not say it was BAD - but when I've stopped drinking regularly, it felt like a lift-off(being in a relationship with the same woman who I've mentioned before, we moved out from college to a flat in the city to live just by ourselves without the crazy roommates and wild parties) however I was still doing the same alcohol-rituals from time to time(I've stopped going to the drunkenness state only when started to smoke weed later on in 2002).

Why I am one Vote for banning alcohol and it should not be legal like now it is:
(if we want to eradicate about half of the abuse happening in society and why we should not?)

Alcohol abuse statistics

  • 95% of alcoholics die from the alcoholism disease and, on average, they lose 26 years from their normal life expectancy.
  • 25-40% of all beds in hospitals in the U.S. are used to treat conditions related to excessive drinking.
  • Children of alcoholics spend more time in hospital than children of clean parents. (about 29% longer). 
  • Drunk drivers are responsible for 50% of people killed on the road.
  • Nearly 40% of deaths in industry and 47% of injuries in the workplace have drink as a contributing factor.
  • More than one third of pedestrians killed are drunk.
  •  watch the rest in the link in the title

Another Alcohol Abuse Statistics

For me with alcohol:
-I was able to manifest the same patterns what my family members was doing without a question
-it was obvious that being drunk means losing my sharpest 'weapon' : being smart, quickly adaptive and thinking over scenarios before starting to do anything to not make mistakes
-my body was really being older and sucked out after each drinking sessions and it was days while 'regenerated'
-I always hated physical pain, especially the ones what I was causing directly - I was always 'anti-pain' - but drinking always caused headaches - even with the 'good quality' alcohols - less but still was quite noticeable, the lagging and swampiness in my head
-I've started to pick up some quite scary habits for instance automatically doing things before even realizing that I was already doing and sometimes not even remembering, for instance attacking security guys, grabbing asses at concerts, cursing like hell, smashing things, spitting, when being attacked I was really rude and brutal how I shaken off 3-4 big guys when they were trying to pull me down without even remembering - being really rude verbally with my girlfriend when I concluded that she made me angry etc

In fact with alcohol one can say that the problem is when not stopping after a glass of wine and enjoying the buzzing feelings in the body while being relaxed - but for me it literally was like opening a door and allowing myself coming out - but as I remember I was always like:
    when I open a door within, I just notice an other - so then it always seems common sense to open that door too - and when the alcohol was the fuel opening a door within - then I did drink more to open one door more...
And also there was a strong desire to let myself go - and to be able to reach a point when I do not remember - this was a common phrase in the college describing the experience of losing memories of what we did: 'film-break' - when I do not remember what happened for a while - yet I was actively doing it.

And roommates always described it as awesome and very cool but I was unable to just not remember when we came back to college from pubs that who was going first in a door and it felt like it is very exhausting to be so much conscious and notice and remember everything I do; so I wanted to have this 'break out', just like the others described it and expressed their positive feelings about it.
So then I was working on being able to drink more - it was very difficulty because I did not like the taste of the shitty cheap vodka or rum for instance - with beer it was difficult to drink more than half liter and the bubbles within were also unpleasant to drink that much - and after drinking some, there was the need for vomit and then I could not continue drinking so then shorts were perfect: when I harnessed my nose, I did not feel much smell and taste and I was able to drink the vodka and the gin and then I've reached the 'film break' - I did not remember what happened.
That felt good, for a while to not being this always thinking, concerning, pre-wondering about everything scary boy - but to actually get a feeling of just live without the policeman in my head and without even remembering it so then later on not needing to judge myself - because I had no clue what I did - I just probably did.
And then next day at the university people said hello to me who I did not know who they were and that was strange - maybe we did party together last night, but I did not remember - well, it should have been awesome with them, probably that's why they say hi to me, so then I did let that go.

At times I woke up in toilet and that happened many times with my roommates as well - he went out and did not come back and was knocked out while vomiting or peeing by the alcohol - and many times we had to carry our mates while behaving like dumb undeads and that was not that big fun but still we could describe it as adventure.

After that it was quite a habit - and even the need for vomiting did not stop me in one night - I've started with shorts, and when vomiting came - I did vomit and then I was able to drink wine - and then vomited from that - then I was able to drink beer - and then only water but already then I was drunk several times a night and I had chance to open doors of inhibition and suppression and letting go the strong thinking worrying policeman within even with the price of physical abuse of my body and the fact that I did not remember very much from the night, but with others we were able to put together a story about who did what last night.

After university I left the city and went to Budapest and there I already had ulcer and it was really a hell-like experience.
I had so much acid in my stomach from swallowing everything and suppressing meanwhile with all the alcohol it was too much and my stomach started to have a hole and also I had reflux and all the liquid shit came back up and I remember for some months I was always hungry - I had the feeling that I was so much hungry like did not eat since a week - and when I ate a biscuit meanwhile I was swallowing it - the pain and the hunger was gone - but for 15-20 minutes only and then it was repeated again - like in eastern mythology they described hell wherein there are the ones who are always hungry - exactly I experienced that and made me really mad within and that I do not wish for anybody and then there was the stomach-mirroring session what was really suffocating experience and to see my stomach within by a camera being swallowed with a cable and seeing myself from within on the screen - I had my moments when I've decided to change.

 And I've stopped drinking - by smoking weed but after a while I've restarted drinking with smoking and then we smoked, drink-ed, smoked, drink-ed and that was an other level of 'fuckedup-ness' by stoned drunkenness, after hours doing so I felt quite dumb and numb but beyond that I just did not feel anything and that was then defined as 'very cool' - but that I did not do for long - I've simply dropped alcohol and smoked more meanwhile already doing acid and mushroom regularly.

So I've written out the whole alcohol-pattern here because for me the strengthening of echoing thoughts in my mind started with alcohol but with that but when I really went into it - I was unable to function properly as human even as like an organic robot because the alcohol was fueled my mind so much that I was going crazy and in fact my human physical body started to be really severed by the alcohol - for me after the first couple of experiences it was absolutely self-abuse.

And I am aware that many of my 'friends' are drinking for fun and they can remain 'responsible' while being drunk, just for party - and might say that I am too judgmental - and they have no problem at all with their alcohol-consuming habits so I should pull back - and the shit in my story happened because I had no limits.

Consider this: what if anyone could buy assault weapons(not too far fetched, right?) - and for instance 90% of the people do not kill with those but having fun for their own self-interest without harming others - shooting wooden plates and flying disks, whatever but no animals, no humans;
- and the other 10% can also buy it - yet they do kill other humans accidentally/deliberately.

Who is then responsible?

Shall the 90% say to the 10% that they are irresponsible - yet it is still possible to buy assault weapon for instance an M16 for the 90% and the 10% as well- and then we can say that at least we should want education and permit from everyone to be able to buy that weapon trace-ability for backtrack abuse.
Or the 90% can consider that for their own self-interest: is it worthy for the remaining 10% 'irresponsible ones' to harm themselves AND others with the weapon?
That 90% could not give up their own interest in the interest of everybody?

Is it not the same with the white man with the capitalistic system where 90% of the resources on earth is owned by 10% while people have no food, shelter, health care and education? And those 10% justifies their self-interest of their own experiences for the others are screwed for life not with the same starting point? In the current money system everything what is used for disregarding others is a weapon against life - especially the substances with what people can delude themselves meanwhile abusing others, especially children - I know this, I've grown up in the same pattern - they all loved me yet they were/are screwed for life - not only because of alcohol, but for the money system as well...

Because in my consideration alcohol is also a weapon - with what the zillionaire&billionaire 'shareholder' 'elite' groups govern the masses through the catalyze effect of legal drugs such as alcohol with similar laws as thermodynamics with it's result of habits through what 'family' 'grownups' assault children in mental/emotional/physical and every way with alcohol abuse - what the children from are defenseless and manifesting the same pattern what the media is brainwashing!

When parents argue and exerting their anger in the 'family' while being drunk - the child can not escape from the consequence - can not run away as has no money, has no support, even if they run away, police will search them - that's why I am One Vote for an Equal Money System wherein each newborn can get the same amount of money regardless of parental situation - regardless of parents are deluded or fanatical religious or self-abusive or demented or extremely smart - the child could get support unconditionally - that is love - that should be the normal to give for each child!

Many judge me because in this moment I do not 'want' children(by my own) - because I never met anyone who with I ever could consider to 'want' or 'have' a kid and I never saw myself being able to really be responsible for that as still decomposing and releasing all the brainwashed patterns brought from my family and I do not particularly have my brain washed into the pattern to reproduce my gene-meme-pool without questioning why - yet I am able to consider what would be the best for EACH child on this Earth regardless of myself being a fucking parent - are you able to get this simple thing or are you still on the hypnotic brainwashing of accepting human abuse on a massive scale based on your justified self-interest?
And this is not just alcohol - but with capitalism, the whole money-system it is the same pattern - for some's self-interest - others do not stand a chance from being harmed - mostly children - what we do not consider as we've got the same 'collateral'/'civilizational' damage by accepting and allowing this system wherein 1/8 of the globe's population is starving and living under the minimum condition what we would consider as 'healthy human life', what we would except getting so based on our imagination of 'human rights'...

We can say that kids are innocent and cool and smart but who is really here to tell the kids they have limits such as never drink alcohol until growing up and learning responsibility by how the mind and human system really works - while they see that 'grown-ups' are screwed up within and without and gifting them a screwed up, automated human system, a polluted planet and a twisted cannibalistic ignorant non-compassion-able society what is falling apart - and kids do what they should not do and at least for them one should consider to give a living example because kids will copy what adults do - and will not give a damn about what parents say - only what they do - and then the cycle repeats itself - generation after generation the same drinking pattern is echoing in our physical minds as kids - grownups - elders - what is in the little is in the big as well as equal as one. Everything of human systems is of the same pattern manifested from and as the human mind consciousness system as equal as one!

And one can say that I had no limits within drinking and that's why I was losing the fun and enjoyment of alcohol and I had no culture and stuff like that - but for me even after some acid and mushroom trips(coming in this series sooooon) it was obvious that even one seep alcohol did the same and it just accumulated more slowly: bringing out the animal from within - the dark animal, not like 'lion' or 'eagle'-kind lol but the demanic lost one in oblivion within fear.

So back to my story of alcohol and what I had to face within regarding to this:
Last time I did feel drunkenness when I was in India, Om-beach in 2007 wherein we did the chillum-smoking sessions with charas regularly and combined with one or two dark beers I had the realization that it is really making me less self-and life-aware so I've decided not to drink anymore and after some more beers when I came home I was able to stand when people persuade me to drink just this one or only one or just one seep for their sake or for any fucking reason - it is now clear - I've tested it and I do not see any reason for drinking anymore.

The most 'temptational' persuasion I've imagined was that when a woman would approach me who I could describe as absolutely sexy and wanting to do sex with me but only if I drink alcohol with her - but that either I do not 'fear' anymore - who I'd like to do sex are the ones who do not drink either anyways, so I had to let go the fear and stand my decision and since then I am enjoying to naturally say no and at times I have to put some temperament into my expression when one drunk wants to persuade me with drinking, last year it happened when I had to slowly and loudly say that: 'There is not going any alcohol into this body'. And then that's it and that's all.

I am standing with full of my beingness against the statement that 'a little alcohol regularly is healthy and suggested' - and I am proving vividly living a healthy life without alcohol since 6 years and last year I was offered a little glass of Belgian beer and they did not know that I had the decision to not drink anymore and I was like - 'let's test myself' - and I did a seep and it was alright - but I did not even finish that 3 dl bottle - I am clear and I am absolutely enjoying this decision to live in each moment breath by breath to say no to alcohol.

For letting go of my inhibition - to drink is just not common sense - because then to let go that specific inhibition I would drink again - and to face and let go and walk through that inhibition and suppression without alcohol - in fact myself empowering myself to prove to myself that I do not need alcohol to stop being inhibited - to dance, to party, to enjoy myself, to approach woman or to be brave enough to do crazy things - I do not need alcohol, I am just absolutely alright without a seep of any alcohol.

To socialize; to have a glue with other drinkers, well: if one perceives this as a wall between us, then do not communicate or party with me by stating that I am making that wall - for me there is nothing movement within regarding to this anymore: I want to live my moments just being un-drunk and that is me and if that bothers anyone then it is not me who has the limitation.

So with alcohol I was able to face my desires and fears on a level what I've described it as 'not aware', not even conscious but directly manifesting unconscious and subconscious manifestation without being responsible.

And one can say that people do not lose their smartness while being drunk, but then I just simply suggest to record yourself and your actions with a camera - even the very smart people become quite dumb and robotic - and it might be true that smart people still can do smart things while being drunk - but that is just because that 'smart-ness' is already a program within then and they can do regardless of anything.

For instance there was a professor at the university who was really an outstanding master of formal linguistics and automatons - and he came into the lecture within leather jacket while being totally drunk - and as he grabbed the chalk to write the lecture onto the board - he was able to without any mistake - he was writing for 1.5 hours while explaining continuously, and after that we went to him to sign something in our 'index-book' - and he was barely able to speak and stand still - and had difficulties to understand our words!
Or after an eastern-type wild drunk party one of our mates sat down to a booklet and he was able to write pure math equations and integrals and go through a process of finding algorithms for his new 3D graphic engine within what he could walk around meanwhile the light had reflections - and in the morning we woke up with stone-head and he was already showing us the software what he programmed.

I've tested it extensively: I can not direct my body properly while being drunk and I can not be sober when I want while on being drunk(having the same 'problem' with all other drugs as well).
There is one exception: being nervous and angry or within very edgy situation I always felt drunkenness being blew away with a breeze, for instance having a pub-fight situation as facing real fight when adrenalin pumps in - it happened that within seconds 1.5 liter wines just went off - but I do not really seek that experience either anymore...

And I am aware of that there are stories about 'yogis use alcohol to transform mind' and all kind of shit - and I know many self-claimed self-defined Buddhists who do regularly drink quite some alcohol regularly - while they say it is good for their mind and realizations - and I could challenge that really easily but it is not my duty to prove that they are wrong, what is obvious.

Any reason comes for why to drink: it is the mind what self has became yet can't see, that's why it is 'dangerous'.

I also noticed that I was able to 'use' the energy of alcohol for some sort of works for instance drawing and painting or in really cold do not 'feel' cold(but in fact makes the body dehydrated so much, better to have one more shirt)- even for a while I was studying with marine gin - but meanwhile I was not even aware of what were the prices I've paid on emotional or any other levels for this. For instance the equation guy when did not did this math, he had a gun and shot around and sometimes wanted to kill himself, so even him with his razor-sharp mind was unable to deal with his issues properly.

With the alcohol it seems like all my mind becomes one wet, liquid vector and goes into one direction - regardless of anything - if I want to party and dance like an animal, I do it - and if the music is shitty, then I just drink more and more until I do sense only myself becoming this vector what goes through reality - like gluing all my echoes in my mind into one arrow/rocket/bullet and then aiming and shooting and then when it's started - I have to fly through the experience meanwhile not really being aware of reality.

For me it became very clear that if I want to stop my mind to stop the experience of separation from anything and everything - I have to let go alcohol completely - because it made me more infused with the mind who I am as a being as life - and in mind I am meaning thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories, characters, pictures, ideas, fears, desires, everything what is not really here as physical - as my body, like all other human's and animals and plants.
And my process is a unification with everything, so with alcohol I was more on the separating myself from these as myself, not really become empty and quiet within to embrace what is here, so it was no difficulty to decide not to drink anymore and there is zero temptation for that already.

And meeting with Desteni and the tools and principles - I was no surprised it is strongly suggested the same: no alcohol in any way whatsoever, as even one seep is strengthening the mind with the simple math of accumulation of 1+1=2.

If you want to really wake up and be really aware and be able to open every door within without killing, give yourself the gift of letting go alcohol once and for all and then you will realize that you can enjoy yourself more freely and fun and cool without alcohol than ever imagined.

And observe yourself that what reactions come for this: 'not drinking alcohol anymore, could you do that', what reasons (and justifications and excuses) come up within yourself as not to stop alcohol - and realize this : that is the mind - the knowledge and the apparently perfect logic of why not stop it already automated and infused as your physical beingness - but realize this:

If you are able to decide to give time for yourself to investigate by writing everything of those down - you can have a chance to realize yourself within and as the mind - and then there is a chance: a choice to make to stop.  Once the decision is clear and without energy(and conditioned by thoughts/feelings/emotions) but absolute:

To stop unconditionally is not difficult, and then when it's done - it is done and you have the gift for yourself that you can be practically and really more free at times when you took the alcohol for any reason, because that reason is the self-dishonesty what you are responsible for directly without any escape and the consequences for that what you manifest while on alcohol is yours eternally.

I am reading regularly the news what people do while being drunk it is obvious that alcohol is not supporting Life.

And one can say that it is THEM, not the alcohol, that is only a tool, like a knife - but for instance what for people make fighter bomber aeroplanes?
It is so nice, so cool, beautiful marvelous creation, it's literally awesome, but if I ask what for people made it, it is obvious that killing life.

Ask yourself why the current establishment support alcohol so much? Why is that if I go into any of 24/7 shop in the city and half of the stuff is alcohol?

There is no proper food, no fucking cabbage or quality bread, only alcohol, hundreds of kind - this is what people want from a shop and this is what is being promoted by corporations: "choose your poison and die well, but before that enjoy hell".

Even within literature alcohol is the worker's drug: work your ass off and when screwed up from being a slave - just get drunk, be crazy, get the steam out, and then next day, next week, you work as a perfect machine again without any question of what and why the fuck are you doing and what is the reason for what and what is consequence we pay for it as humanity as a whole.

And all drug is the same - drug:gurd, to take out the self-grudge for what physically we do in reality meanwhile how we feel is completely being chemically engineered towards all the good feelings to consider only.

So I am one vote for not drinking alcohol and make the stand and I dare all to do so who wants to be responsible for existence.

But I do not judge people, if I am at party I do not separate myself from the drunk ones, I did that but not anymore - but when someone is a dumb-ass while being drunk - I might just walk away.

Alright, that was one aspect of how I see my experiences with alcohol about the topic of 'Echoing in my mind', going a bit off-topic, but I wanted to write this out entirely since a while and it is done.

Self-forgiveness: I walk some for why I've started to drink alcohol, what was my inner context from I wanted to find exit from with alcohol:


With Self-forgiveness one can open all closed doors within and as Self with the Key of Self-honesty without any physical abuse and starting to be responsible for the already manifested consequences.

Self-forgiveness on fear from becoming like my father pattern
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from becoming my father because my mother was always afraid of this and she always told me that I am like my father and I've programmed myself to fear from becoming like my father.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I do not directly name the things I fear from, then I am just reacting to it automatically.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being drunk and powerless like my father has became before he died.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from alcohol that it would make me becoming the same like my father.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when meeting old family members and they say about me that 'he is exactly like his father was' - they say that only for the picture what they see about me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from drinking alcohol that I would become like my father as suppressive, drinking, and lonely and delusional.

Self forgiveness on Inhibition
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself because judging myself and my expression with the echo of thoughts in my mind about 'I am not good enough', 'I am more than like this wherein and how I am currently'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continuously judge myself within by thoughts about how I am good or how I am not good in the moment and then by that judgment, and the result of that judgment within seeing how I am reacting and judging my inner reactions taking granted about how and who I am within self-suppression and then forming a personality and by that defining and reacting the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the thoughts what I've defined as fearful within until that I made myself to move and act within reality based on the compound of energies of thoughts about the things I fear or desire but fear from not getting how I want and therefore fearing and then thinking about those and within thinking wanting to see through and know all possibilities and then deciding what to do and then doing that and then not realizing that it is not working because reality is in the moment and I am superimposing my thoughts of fear into reality and then it is not working and then judging it and as myself as not good enough and therefore wanting to 'filter' and 'process' more my expression before acting to see what is not good and what is good and then what I've defined as good, acting out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from make mistakes, to screw things up not within the starting point of wanting to screw up but facing consequences of time or energy or money being gone because I did not do as it would have to be required to do so regarding to the need or desire what started me to move towards that specific acting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define actions and consequences as failure and mistake and not realizing that if I define something within - I might remain like that - and within self-definition - I define myself in a way what I allow myself to remain so regardless of the fact that physical reality changes and moments come and go in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire towards women and fearing from being obvious what I desire from women and then having a shame for what I want with woman and when speaking with woman fearing from being exposed what I want because judging that it is not very nice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and punish myself and being ashamed for what I want women and defined myself as wanting from women what is touch, sex and getting pleasure from and not realizing that women might have the same starting point within their self-interest and if I am being ashamed for what I want - I can stop and change and the solution is not to suppress and occupy myself in order to stop the shame within but to really see for what I want that and to really see why I am being ashamed of and then stop and transform myself into an expression what is best for all participants equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from letting 'out'/'go' all my suppressed inhibitions because then I would act like all I care about is myself and my wants and desires and with that completely suppressing myself within and not wanting to do and get what I want and judging myself within as bad and within that fearing from others realizing it therefore creating personalities upon my beingness, around my inner being with what I can filter out the things what I've defined as 'bad' and fearing from 'others see, realize' it and fearing from using and abusing others and fearing from being evil and fearing from being judged by others as bad and then once being exposed as who I am then there is no way to hide who I really am as this manifested self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in a degree that I can not speak properly because judging my speaking as exposing who I am and judging my beingness as selfish therefore not wanting to express who I am but forming automatized habits what I've judged as 'safe' to express within what I do not expose my real beingness as wanting to feel good and wanting what I want regardless of anything and considering nothing really except myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being selfish because wanting to get what I want and not realizing that it is not really myself as life but within suppressing this aspect of myself I've compounded it within and that is part of me and that part I've tried to judge and seal and that wants to come out and express and if I judge myself by seeing myself 'what wants to be expressed within' - I do not realize that the suppression since decades wants to come out from within and it is not all and everything of me but within judging what comes out - I've remained that who I am what I experience in the moment and by judging that moment, wanting to hold back and suppress that moment - I am possessed by that and then wanting to suppress that and then fearing from being exposed from that I am making my suppression more strong within.

Self-forgiveness on fear from harming others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from harming others in any time in any way whatsoever.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from harming others because at times I harmed my little sister out of uncontrolled anger and defined myself as so and defined myself as remaining and always so and then wanted to make sure to not do so therefore suppressed myself and defined myself as somebody who mush push down himself within to make sure not harming others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry at myself because wanting to harm others and wanted to make sure to not exert this anger so then I've defined myself as always suppressing myself to not harm others because then if I could really harm somebody then I could not stop myself defining myself as bad, dark, evil and harmful and I've defined myself as somebody who fears from defining himself as possible harming to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become inhibited within as a tactic and method to make sure not harming anybody and not realizing that within suppression instead of stopping I've harmed myself with compounding energies and self-anger transformed into a depression through continuous self-suppression and oppression.

Self-forgiveness on fear from harming myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from harming myself by becoming so wheeled up within by thoughts, feelings, emotions so then I was unable to function as a human being to eat, rest, socialize properly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts, feelings, emotions within to complicate myself within to a degree what I do not understand and not focusing and dealing and working on the cores of the problems within but only band-aiding the consequences within with methods I've came up for instance being obsessed with specific pictures and thoughts and the reactions towards these and being occupied meanwhile the circumstances what caused me to react so changed, and becoming automatic and defining this automatic self-reaction-personality system as myself and then having reasons why I did so and then protecting it when it was questioned by others or by myself at moments when it has proven to be not effective and not enjoyable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within suppressing myself as thoughts, feelings, emotions and inhibitions as petrifying at moments when I was able to realize that if I act I might face consequences what then I've used to define who I am and then I've became obsessed with the self-definitions and then I've stuck like that until other circumstances were not stimulated myself differently and changing only when I had to in order to minimize the discomfort within my mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is not enough to realize that it is not my thoughts, emotions, feelings what I really am but to not participate in moments when within reality I've programmed myself to automatically do so by being stimulated by circumstances within what I am allowing myself to react the same way without being able to question, to stop, to explore what and who I am in that moment as Life as Responsible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself from fearing to change when I've faced conflict within and then when facing conflict wanting to change only within attitude and definitions but not really as action within inner quietness what would allow me to not being occupied with the fears from the past to see what I am really doing and why to be able to really stop and change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself within others especially who I've defined myself to be attracted to as women because wanting to get specific emotions, feelings, thoughts to experience by being stimulated as I've imagined that would be great for me and then judging myself as selfish for thinking, imagining and desiring so meanwhile not wanting to be exposed because of the fear from being judged as selfish by women and then remaining alone without being able to live out my desires and escape from manifesting my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from going towards what I've defined I want because fear from being judged by myself or by others as selfish.

I forgive myself that I have never allowed myself to see/understand/realize that if I fear from being judged as selfish, I am simply thinking about myself and my fear and my desires and that's the exact reason for really being selfish to not think outside the box, to not consider others and to not want to take responsibility for what I am manifesting.

Self-forgiveness on fear from speaking with women
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear from facing women and telling them what I want from them in terms of touching, gentleness, care, sexual experience and physical self-support because of the fear from being judged as selfish.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think out and come out as self-defined characters to hide my starting point towards women to be able to play the game for wanting women in a way what they want so then I am what they want and meanwhile I have a chance for getting what I want.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be direct and expressive within each moments that with women I can be self-directive and obvious that what I want and to live that without fearing from being judged and if one particular woman who I've defined that I want does not want the same what I want then I do let her go, not even need to let her go because within my mind there is nothing what I've built up - I am here, I direct, I consider her and myself equally within physical and life expression and that's simple.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from being obvious what I want from women because I've judged myself before even doing so as utilizing what is here as women for instance for what is good for all participants and did not allow myself to live out my desires and to see that it might be not really practical and in fact me but within judging so I've stuck so and wanted to avoid that but not stopping and changing within so then I've developed character personalities what with I could act that I am not like this, but I am like the certain specific woman who I've became obsessed wants and desires as her self-image what she wants to live out by her thoughts, emotions, feelings as her definition of 'man'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek after similar mind-personalities within women as I do experience mine within without ever questioning that is this really me and is this really necessary?

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear from acknowledge that I did a decision what does not stand the time and by that causing physical consequences what I've defined as it hurts and then within hurt I've defined that it hurts because who I am is what I've defined myself to be and never even questioning that I can change who I define myself to be and I can change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in order to avoid pain and to avoid consequences what I've defined myself to be manifested if I could allow myself to express myself as the way I am and then defining myself that this is who I am and then not being able to let go self-definitions about who I am and then defining myself according to suppressed self-definitions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from experiencing consequences of self-suppression and self-judgments and wanting to stop it and when at times trying to express myself then causing pain in mental, emotional and even physical realms of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from myself because believing that I can not change and fear from being what my mother told me as my father I would become if I would express myself as apparently I've defined my father did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from women because within that point I was able to face the consequence of my starting point of suppression within fear for not being exposed what I really want and play characters for making women believe that myself they want for their desires meanwhile I have a 'chance' to get my desires fulfilled and then when it is not goes by 'plan' then I am experiencing frustration and anger towards myself for what I am doing and for it is not working and I am where I've started with a plan what did not work by self-judgments, desires, suppression and hopes.

Self-forgiveness on fear from pain
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define anger and frustration and suppression as pain and defining pain as avoidable and wanting to suppress myself more in order to not experience pain caused by myself as mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions and wanting to suppress myself more and more and not realizing that within the act of self-suppression I am manifesting more thoughts, feelings, emotions with what I am experiencing more frustration, anger towards myself with what I experience more pain until I do not stop, completely not stop the mind and suppression ad fear.

Self-forgiveness on fear from not being smart enough
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to be the smartest and think things over before acting and wanting to have a clue and a possible result imagined before doing something and not realizing that is self-limitation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from starting something because I am facing undefined what is fearful because what if there is a point what I did not consider and my self-defined character personalities will not work or will not react automatically as I want to do so and then I will be exposed to myself and to others that who I really am is not this character/personality what I am mimicking for stopping my fears and fulfilling my desires within my interest what is not bad but because I've always suppressed and judged it - it became more and more dominant within what I had to more and more suppress and all my characters and personalities has built about and around it and never realized that by that I've manifested the very thing what I always wanted to avoid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear myself to express myself in the moment because of being judged of not really smart because then I'd be judged so by others and then I'd be judged by myself and then I'd remain so and then I'd stuck like that as self-definition, so therefore it seemed better to not express myself to not being judged as not smart and never realizing that I've abdicated myself so much for the fear from judged what is self-dishonesty.

Self-forgiveness on conceptions about alcohol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from facing the fact that my family members has been abused their and our as children's lifes with continuous drinking alcohol and being drunk and arguing while being drunk and handling us as being drunk and never realizing the responsibility and consequences for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame my family members because the were drinking alcohol so much what seemed like really annoying for me at times because they were behaving as children as us however they had the right to do things what they did not allow us the same way.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge alcohol and drunk people as losers and lost because they were busy doing being drink and meanwhile really doing nothing particular only judging others and blaming others and speaking about the past and having fun on things what was not really funny.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge alcohol for my family was being so screwed up ending up split and fight all over and not realizing that the alcohol was only a catalysator for what people are doing.
I forgive myself that I ave accepted and allowed myself to fear from drinking alcohol because then I would start to drink and then becoming like my family members I've seen becoming: not being smart, not being able to suppress what I had to do in order to keep up being within my character, the good guy.

Self-forgiveness on Echoing in my mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can breathe here properly without energy but being myself aware of myself and surroundings undefined and trust myself in the moment and if I would make mistakes, then I'd correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow fear to resonate within and allowing thoughts to be echoed within myself when I do not exactly know what to do or what will happen or seeing chances for happening things what I do not want or what I do want and needing to express this excitement but I am apparently unable so then thinking it by judging seems reasonable meanwhile disregarding the physical and repeating thoughts one after an other until I realize I am not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strengthen my mind consciousness system with alcohol in the belief that it makes me less inhibited and more powerful and able to speak with girls and act and party and dance freely without thinking that I am awkward and uncool.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not allow myself to be absolutely self-honest with myself to realize that I am obsessed with words within and never realizing the simple solution to slow down and stop within and utilizing the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-honesty, self-intimacy, self-corrective statements and self-commitments to stop and change and explore what is beyond self-programmed personalities of self-definitions based on fear of self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for abusing my human physical body with alcohol and use alcohol to empower myself to let go my fears and not realizing that I am not freeing myself from my fears with alcohol only making thoughts manifested directly with what making myself busy and enjoying it as there is apparently no inhibition meanwhile not realizing I am acting out the opposite regarding to inhibition to escape from inhibition and by that not really making myself free from inhibition but infusing it as self-definition as starting point more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from the temptation of sex with women who I judge as arousing and attractive and sexually fascinating that if they would offer sex only if I would drink alcohol with them - and realizing that while being drunk I am not myself fully as breath therefore I would not be really aware of the sex and who I define sexually attractive while trying to manipulate me to drink - that person would not really worth that to abdicate my decision to stop my mind and boosting it with alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drink alcohol for wanting to have a 'film-break' wherein I do not remember what I did and having a release and let go of who I defined myself to be instead of slowing down and actually stopping myself being busy and occupied within by myself step by step using the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty as self and really breaking the pre-programmed film of mind.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that with alcohol I've strengthened the echoing of thoughts in my mind so strong that I had no chance to realize that I am not my mind as Life as who I am and with alcohol I am abdicating myself who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who drink alcohol as irresponsible and defining myself as being responsible while not drinking alcohol - instead of simply living my decision and expressing myself without any self-definition projecting to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from expressing my point regarding to alcohol to people within the fear from being judged as nuts and crazy because apparently it is accepted to drink while myself being extremist and not realizing that I am living principled and radical self-honesty and if alcohol does not support me then there is nothing shameful within this to express and what people react to it is themselves directly.


When and as I judge myself not drinking alcohol as very cool and profound and wise - I stop, I breathe, I let go all self-definitions and I am simply here undefined and breathing within the decision I made to not drink alcohol.

When and as I fear from being judged as nuts or crazy or extremist or fanatic because not drinking alcohol - I breathe, I realize it is common sense for me not to drink and they can react whatever they want - it is a reflection of me as  equal as one anyways - facing myself with an other self of me but this self here is standing within the decision without any judgment.

When and as I am being asked to explain why I do not drink alcohol - I express - without any expectation or fear from any judgment - when I see that I should express myself doing so - I do so - otherwise I remain undefined, calm, relaxed, breathing, present.

When and as I fear from being inhibited without using any substances to alter my mind - I realize I can use self-forgiveness to assist and support myself to let go fears and inhibitions and suppression within absolute self-honesty without any fear from opening the next door within would have a price what I can not pay regarding to my awareness or human physical body.

When and as I fear from being judged as my father by family members - I realize they say that to my picture and mannerism and not my beingness - and if I do not want myself being expressed the way I do - I explore stopping and changing myself.

When and as I fear from drinking alcohol by 'accident' - I breathe - I let go the fear and I realize there is nothing to fear and I am not drinking and when I realize I've been trapped or tricked into drinking alcohol - I stop it and I do not react and I do not judge them however expressing myself that I do not like drinking and if they do not consider me then I drop the need to spend time with them.

When and as I fear from harming others by exerting my inhibited suppression - I realize I can slow down and breathe and stop and assist and support myself with self-direction to change.
When and as I am going to be automatic by circumstances - or by inner judgments - I slow down and I realize I am here within and as this human physical body - and I stop and I change and realize the self-dishonesty specifically with what I've made myself to react automatically or deliberately.


I commit myself to share my experiences and realizations unconditionally how I am realizing that the echoing of thoughts in my mind is not who I really am, who we really are as Life and how I am stopping the mind with applying self-honesty, self-forgiveness, self-correction and stopping myself practically to explore solutions for the real problems we are facing here as humanity as a whole as economic, financial and environmental cry-sises.

I commit myself to not drink alcohol because it is strengthening the mind what I've already separated myself into without being aware of it and as I've proven to myself many times that with alcohol I do not support myself and others as in fact I can without it - I live the decision to not drink alcohol and when being asked suggesting the same to others without any judgment but within the consideration of 'What is best for all'.

I commit myself to stop all echoes in my mind as thoughts, all repetitions and cyclic self-dishonesty to manifest, observe, react to, and follow and define myself according to that and being influenced by, directed with - and slowing down with breathing and letting go all self-definitions and explore practical ways to remain inner silent yet being responsible while expressing myself within and a s the physical.

I commit myself to express and prove and stabilize myself unconditionally that one can live without thoughts, feelings and emotions and even enjoying self and others meanwhile not participating within any personalities and characters.

I commit myself to stop fear from my past, stop fearing from fear and explore myself and others as walking equals with common sense.

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