Wednesday, May 8, 2013

[JTL 38] Insignificant moments aren't existing

Writing today seems no motive - no big deals stormed me today - that's actually cool.

I've just saw Reginald's blog with the title: Writing down insignificant moments of today so I am doing similar and see what comes and by choosing the topic I just became aware that it is obviously not 'insignificant'.

Today I had again a some sort of faint - after work at home I often do a short 10-20 minutes nap/relaxation, it's good for my eyes and my mind to slow down and then I am ready for the night with fresh brain to remain active without fighting energy war within against tiredness to remain effective.
However today I completely fall asleep for hours because at the office there is not enough air - it's an open space wherein many dozens of people and computers sit and there is an air-circulating system what pumps in air but is not enough for that much people.
So then recently I've noticed my efficiency at work dropped, at times even to ridiculous degrees what I always report to my senior however I've been experimenting with possible solutions to be able to work properly even in that extreme conditions and many report that in the company and there is always what people try to do to solve it but the problem remains.

I've stopped my usual sleep-deprivation as for me it is normal to sleep 3-4-5 hours daily during the week and giving myself some extra hours at my computer for the nights - but with the current conditions at the office that is not sustainable.

Since about 3 months ago I've stopped drinking coffee as well - I noticed that my fresh-ness is regardless of it if there is no air in the office anyways - and I've tried to drink more coffee to boost myself in order to not feel sleepy as I always want to push my boundaries but then it was too much for my body and before stopping it, I was drinking coffee just like water even at 4 AM at home and then I was in the office at 10 already so then for a while I stopped drinking it, I started it with 21 days but then still was inner movement about it so extended more - and recently I started became interested in drinking it again but at work I do not want it - rather at home for enjoyment and writing and filming maybe.

So back to today's faint: I had a guest coming at my place late night by plan and when I was waking up to the gate ringing - for a moment I was like it's already morning and no one is coming by plan so I shall wait until my phone rings or not. Just like before this place what I rent currently - I have the number 1 at the gate to ring when someone comes - and in this busy city that gives the chance that any wanderer tries that number first so many times just like 'spam' - so I might not answer first except that I am aware that somebody comes at my place. Then when my phone rang I realized the situation immediately.

Today I took a temperature-meter to the office and watched what is the degree of my uncomfortably.
It was about 27-29 and today was not particularly hot as this week is quite rainy and theoretically it's still spring. The summer here is 35-40 degrees outside, I wonder what will be like to be in the office as last year it was already exhausting but in this year it is more extreme.

Two weeks ago I had the fabulous joy to notice myself doing nothing while working and it felt like the time was stopping so smoothly, it was like a psychedelic drug in a way - and accumulated to a degree that I was doing literally nothing but wanting to work however without air first I was more and more distracted - with a web browser it is always easy to just look up something really interesting for some minutes and then continue working - or when the software system is compiling - I have about a minute while it's done - there is some time anyways. But then I even forgot to do that - fascinating experience.

And it is also related to being physically here and breathing here as body as presence as life-awareness - the question is that how many breaths I miss while during work.
When started Desteni process - a transformation started within myself slowly but surely - as before starting Self-forgiveness there was quite a change while being at home versus being at the office - as there was some sort of pretending: at home I was doing things what were completely unacceptable doing in an office for instance being ridiculously high from psychedelics for instance - and doing this Jekyll/Hide stuff that at work I am working for money with my birth name Jozsef Berta normal person character in the system who works for money and beyond that being myself as multi-faceted existence-investigator-crazy-yogi-artist Talamon character.

Then I've realized the common sense for the Unification of Man and since from that moment of realization I am manifesting so within and as the physical: remaining always who I am regardless of circumstances without participating within any self-definition based on any judgment but to live the moment within absolute Self-honesty.

And this all comes down to one singular point: when I do miss a breath and why?
How can I support myself to expand my physical consistency simply disregarding my mind?
Investigate the mind with Desteni I Process Lite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/imagine that there are insignificant moments in my life wherein it does not matter how and what happens and what I do or not do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my moments regarding to importance and not realizing that it is only the perceived self-judgmental self-interest what defines what moment is more important.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard specific moments wherein I can take refugee within and as the mind by defining these moments as insignificant meanwhile in fact I allow to let backdoor within myself to stop being present here, clear, inner silent without being aware of it, without even realizing it by the inception of 'insignificant'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the air situation at workplace as insignificant however I've already experienced multiple times that it is not healthy and if I do not take steps what does really matter - I will be not much effective as I can and I will be not present as I can and within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indirectly judge my beingness being here as insignificant.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have this personality of being focused and here meanwhile allowing moments where I do not discipline myself and my mind to wander around within the perception that is insignificant and not realizing that any moment I judge as more significant - I am within separation from myself by self-judgment based on self-interest as self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from standing up for myself at workplace when experiencing that my health is not guaranteed when the air condition is not acceptable and I am almost fainting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the air condition and situation at my workplace because of my distractions while at work and project my responsibility to remain always here towards the office and workplace meanwhile in fact I am allowing my mind to wander in and as moments what I defined as insignificant and not realizing that it is contradiction because as I define it insignificant - still I allow the same pattern that at moments I define those moments as insignificant and then going into the mind and losing presence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define different characters within in order to survive for money, in order to server my self-interest and in order to be accepted in the system and be judged for being someone as value within the system as who I've defined myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself who I am in order to prepare moments what I fear to face undefined.

I commit myself to stop thinking or accepting moments to be judged as insignificant and allowing myself to realize what is going on within and why I judge those moments as insignificant within my self-interest.

When and as I define or judge a moment as insignificant - I look into me as me and see what is the reason judging the moment as insignificant and what I actually do and why.

When and as I drop the physical presence by following thoughts of the past - I stop, I allow myself to be aware of the breath of life within me and I re-align myself with equality and oneness as principle and disregard the mind by understanding my responsibilities and face the manifested consequences and direct myself with the tools of writing, self-forgiveness, self-corrective statements to stop the self-dishonesty within me unconditionally.
When and as I want to have energy within my mind in order to stop the mind I realize that it is nonsense and any stopping if has energetic connotation or condition - it is not stopping the mind but self-interest so then I look into myself within absolute self-honesty to see why I am deliberately trying to cheat within and not realizing that the consequence is manifesting regardless of I am fully aware or not.

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