Wednesday, May 22, 2013

[JTL 45] Investigating my days rant

Principled living

I have an idea of what kind of principled living I want to live.
I have the thought as 'I am getting there' - so this is a problem. Let's rant it out here.

What is there from which I am here yet not as principled living yet creating a self-projection?

If I could choose - and within the consideration of I still have to work as currently no one gives money to me without that - I'd choose to work about 6 hours a day.

I'd choose to schedule my time in order to make sure I am using my time effectively - yet remaining stable, consistent and within seeing myself and my needs in terms of current state within self-honesty - I'd schedule time for 'free time' - wherein I am able to do unplanned or even planned activities what is not 'principled'.

That is the first point I note - have a backdoor within what I am not required to be principled - wherein I can let the steam off.

See, after doing some research within Desteni material - it is clear that human is a programmed system - it is complicated - yet it makes sense - if one can use a particularly uncommon yet always referred as: common sense.

For me after realizing points within me - meaning writing it out within specificity - I always see that it is simple already - but to get to the point of seeing the point within me - as me - within simplicity - it takes effort and time.

Actually when I come to home - and come into my room - there are possibilities - beyond I can even comprehend - about what I can do in regards to just with my machines - musical instruments, video equipments, hi-tech gadgets surrounded by THE computer - and when I sit down - where is cabled internet - with all the installed tools and softwares what I've defined as cool and required - there are possibilities way beyond I can measure how many - about what I can do.

Tonight it is the same - when I sit down - what I will do? Am I clear before sitting down?
Actually I was quite sure that I will write about principled living.
But at times I am not sure - I just sit here - I have plans - tons of plans - many unfinished 'todo'-lists are stretched into a physically stored virtual system - wherein at points I've defined what I want to do.

I could listen, play, make music or I could watch, edit or record videos just as I could play the latest games or just 'browse' the net about fascinating/cool/nice/strange/disturbing/ugly/terrible things and reacting to that also 'kills time' - however mostly I am dealing with the fact that I have very limited 'time' for sitting here - as mostly every weekday I sit in the office working for money to be able to rent a place for be able to pay some extra hours to actually have this possibility for apparently deciding about what I will do with my time.

Mostly I use the computer for writing(Journey to Life blog/Agreement Course), socializing with people about sharing and liking each others posts about each others preferences(for me is is also Destonian stuff, for instance EQAFE), watching movies, listening to music, making videos, editing and effecting videos, playing music, recording music and editing music - and then sharing some but not much, as not all I define as 'finished' - or 'good enough' - even with writing I do that - some I do not share - considering when writing about somebody who I am sure would not be really cool about it - or I do not see the Self-direction or Self-support - except when i deliberately want to expose my Self-dishonesty - to make a journey what then I walk through within Principle of considering what would be the best for me and for all regarding to that.

So if I could be able to define my life - I'd make sure that I have the time for everything what I want - then I'd realize there is no such time - I have limited time - so I have to prioritize.
For instance going out and having fun with mates I've defined as not priority - yet I want it - for instance tonight I went through to mates and just made food and they shared their trip experiences and had fun.

Mostly this I define as unworthy(regarding to prioritizing, but these are 'close friends') - but at times I allow this to myself - about once-twice weekly - however I do not like when it takes the whole night - because after work what I've defined as really worthy is when I can sit at my computer, because that represents all the possibilities - from which I like to be defined as able to choose.

There are preferences and some priority - for instance the write daily is one of the most important part - yet at times I still do not write for instance when I go out with people and then it takes more time than expected/planned or wanted - and then I am too tired or I have to consider to sleep at least 5-6 hours before going to work because otherwise I will be exhausted, even possibly weak, sick and making mistakes and not really aware.

When I had partner - this was the most prominent point from which I was able to manifest conflict within me - not being clear on how much time I want and actually spend on things regarding to being with partner versus sitting in my room with my computer/tools. Total separation, polarity: conflict.

Another(similar) point is when I am invited to go out and then I do and then I plan it to be as short as possible(yet still within the consideration that if I do so - I should enjoy it anyway) - and when it is not that short what I 'thought' to be - then I also manifest conflict - most notably when I am kind of persuaded into social events meanwhile within myself the first thing comes up is that my priority is writing the course assignment this week(and every week) and there are only two nights when I can do that and currently for writing a point properly within self-honesty it is required at least two nights - if not doing it the whole night, what is rare - so then if I prioritize going out - it is obvious that my assignment might not be there where I plan it to be - therefore with that I've made conflict within me as well because I do not like 'it'.

Especially when some sort of experience pulls me in - a latest game came out and the the single player story is so intriguing, that I want to play it through, to see the story and the game to unfold, I just do it with no consideration to my priorities for instance.
And then I experience a conflict within me - so then by that I push the playing more and more - wanting to finish as soon as possible to 'continue' my 'priorities' - that is a fascinating pattern to observe - as myself - and wanting to 'solve' the conflict by playing more and more to finish it ASAP - meanwhile in fact just doing it all the time - within a some sort of hope that after this I will be able to continue with my 'real' priorities - meanwhile the 'priority' is overwritten by myself to 'finish the game'. That is fascinating as well.

I've noticed this quite some time ago however writing it down actually makes it - as who and how I've manifested myself to be' - constantly visible for myself - and within sharing it - for others as well. That is very cool.

Transparency - as Bernard explains the trust - can not be gifted by belief or hope - must be earned within practical, measurable(by time) application which is quite obvious within the consistent writing.

So as Gurdjieff explained - man is a machine - a complicated yet understandable - automated system what is responsible for it's actions regardless of it is aware of it - or not.

But to TAKE this responsibility - to be aware of it and to use it effectively - is something what can not be given.

And the last point is here: when I am writing and then I realize I am really tired and sleepy - just like at this moment - and then I am almost falling asleep - and then looking after ways to make myself more fresh - drinking water, eating something(preferably sweet) - what is not really cool before going to sleep - walk some or making a tea  - but as this time it is because I am after a long day, awaken quite early - it is reasonable to be extremely sleepy - however the need and want and a drive to use my time effectively without being able to judge myself as 'not prioritizing good enough' and creating conflict within me and 'want to have more time to express myself' must be prioritized with the body's consideration to not become exhausted or tired as the next day in the office comes for instance this time within 7 hours.

And then the thought what can come up is that 'I will wake up early and doing my writing then' - what then ends up my morning being quite busy so then I can not make time to continue 'my priority to progress' in the morning and then after all I will have conflict within me by not doing preferably/as expected what I've defined as priority.

Alright for tonight, this is it.

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