Wednesday, May 15, 2013

[JTL 42] Investigating Self-automation

Continuing on [JTL 23] Life-awareness taken granted is not possible topic and how I am automated.

At moments I am simply becoming automated.

Speaking with friends/girls when having fun just comes from 'hip' and seeing what make them funny and then doing so
Cleaning up my camera lens and equipment
Talking with children
Dealing with animals
Taking a bath and clearing myself dry
Peeling vegetables
Washing dishes
Cleaning out a bath
Filtering out water from cooked pasta
Walking into a metro
Going into crowd meanwhile walking slowly in line to ride the auto-stairs
Tie my shoes
Clipping my nails

I have tendency to go into automation within these moments meanwhile be able to think about things what I react to with positive or negative feelings/emotions or want to figure out stuff I do not see through yet or fear from failing within(not even directly aware of the 'fear', just a tiny 'worry') or feeling cool about, or excited to face(meeting a girl for instance etc). For me thinking is not 'good automation' - I do not cry over it, rather investigate within self-honesty. But to see the word automation within me currently:

And there is a 'good' automation and there is a 'bad'.

Defining good when there is a moment and I can do whatever I can without concept and exploration and expression - yet it seems automatic but I can realize I am here doing so without reacting within - for instance at dancing - to specific music I dance in a way - or there are several ways to move and then I am varying these randomly - and then slowly these change - 'evolve'  - or I try new stuff - moving my hands in a way it just does - and in another moments I figure out new movements and then I try them out 'by will' - for instance twisting my hand while drawing infinity lines (90% rotated '8' symbols') - and then I decide doing it backwards and and then I am doing so - meanwhile thinking about something and feeling like my body, my limbs are like at the periphery - like an external service I use and direct for my purpose as mind to walk it around and fulfill it's desires and avoid it's fears - like my mind is the CPU of the computer and my body is like a literal robot within it is placed, many servos, inputs like visual input through the eyes, sound input from the ears, smell by the noses - and then these are like 'services' what with my mind I can use - when I want - and when I do not want - I filter these out - I can even do that I am not aware of what and where I am doing - because the 'processor' is busy working within 'internal process' - thought after thought - and meanwhile it is possible that I am physically doing something automated - yet I am not aware of really - only of that I am 'aware of' - what I want - what I currently perceive to be needed - for instance when using a knife to cut a bread at my chest - I certainly give my full focus to the knife, my hand and the bread - otherwise I might make a mistake and cut myself half...But then I did it so many times that I am programmed to be able to do so - I can cut the bread while thinking about tomorrow I will have a difficult day because I will have to work hard to make my job done properly without my boss.

And that is also automation - and then I decide and then I do it - meanwhile for instance I think that I will have to make sure that the bill I have to pay in tomorrow so I should put the check forward to make sure I will pay it - but meanwhile I am moving my hands while dancing - that I see as not good automation.

Because within movement I should be aware how I move my hand - how I use specific muscles, the feeling from meeting my hand the air - the whole body what poses does as myself and seeing myself within the space meanwhile breathing and experiencing this expanding and contracting within my lungs, feeling the air - feeling my soil is pushed to the ground while standing. That is not really automation - in a way it is and for me it is 'good' automation- but much-much less than like within the previous example: that I think that my hand should move in a way while I think of what I will have to do tomorrow while I am not aware of my breath, my body, my physical - yet I am automated.

There are endless automation within my human physical body already - and many-many I am not even aware of - only for that 'deeply' that I am able to make the specific things done - I can cut slices from the bread - yet I am not aware of what parts of my body I am using, what muscles, within what direction I am using my hand and my arms - however if I give 'attention' and 'focus' - I can observe it and 'learn' it - and that is still noticing the automation what is already programmed.

Fascinating. And at the end it is always obvious that there is no 'good' automation within myself as myself - only there is some sort of interest to automatize something in order to not be aware of the reality.

To know the machine is inevitable to see what is machine and what is not within and as myself.

And at this moment I am sure that there is good automation - for instance I have a software what I just start when I plug the camera into my computer and it copies the new movies/photos from it to the predefined directory, so I do not have to bother - I can do other things meanwhile - that I like as automation - so no further investigation is required for instance - but that is not myself as human, however this 'decision' and 'conclusion' of 'no further investigation is required' is also 'dangerous' as once I get to that - I remain so until something 'wrong' happens - in the given example I like to do that in each month, the software copies the files into directories named by the number of the day in the month - but when the month is passed and starts a new - it does not know - and will copy the files into the same directory - I have to be aware of that it is already May so I have to change the setting to copy the files into a new folder, from April to May. So then it is not absolutely automated anyways. Another point to consider reflecting back that to myself as some sort of 'organic robot' as well.

Very-very strange to do this kind of observations however it is assisting and supporting to realize to which extent I am not aware of what I am actually doing - only when it is required so or deciding alike.

For instance at dentist when there is no escape and what I do with my body and what patterns I follow while thinking to escape inconvenience and unavoidable uncomfortably and pain.

Or when I am sick, have a fever and walking in the city within the smog and everything annoys me and I am exhausted and sick - then the tendency to follow thoughts instead of remain naturally present in the moment is more 'possible'.

And to describe myself with probability at circumstances already indicates that I am not really fully aware of myself therefore this writing and investigation is common sense. To be continued, thanks, enjoy breath!

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