In 2004, right after my realizations with acid, meditation(of being limited in and as my mind), I came to the conclusion that these experiences might show glimpses but I have to move, I have to do, I have to act, I have to be myself directly and then these things will no matter anymore.
I was always aware that no matter how people handle acid as profound - give someone enough stuff and simply can not go through cars of the traffic within safety - and that I always seen as disadvantage - like one can be more aware of one's MIND but the real, actual, physical reality not so much - so to be obsessed with MIND-altering drugs means to be obsessed with the MIND; not the actual physical existence.
And of course there are bunch of believers who state the consciousness being more real and profound and the origin etc but it is obvious that in this existence, the physical is the most stable, consistent and trust-able reality so anything one claims to have realized, 'enlighted up' about: if not manifested in the physical: it is just an experience, not real, not valid to lean on.
That was with me as well: these experiences I had - pretty hectic ones, like body-swapping consciousness switch with people, gridline structures and energy, mandala, eye-field dimensions, alien-like perceptions, beings, symbols as well - to see myself within each one or to see the whole consciousness system as a great spiral to it's end where one can walk to easily to see the reality of light consciousness is just a frame,a con, a mask on the actual darkness, limitless and endless possibilities of existence.
I could write whole books of my experiences, extra-and ultra-ordinary perceptions but none of those matter when I face a simple point in this reality and I react with thinking instead of act within self-direction within the consideration of what is best for me, best for all as equal as one.
I see it here - no drug with I can be more myself than who I am without - and no matter how much I meditate on things, stuff, myself, existence, unification - it still must be done directly as physical action in and as human physical body.
So then I was able to let go the idea of myself, who has to meditate, to calm, to peace out, to settle down, to find my inner peace - because these were just some fooling around - and I came to the conclusion that I can be my own creation so then I have to create myself a way what I actually can enjoy and being comfortable with.
Unfortunately back in there I had no real principles, just memories and experiences to compare with, so then I took a leap of faith from where I was and decided to learn and do art while do some spiritual tantric stuff. That brought me to some practical realizations but still - I was not satisfied because the art thing was still not coming consistently through - like doing 5-10 expressions and 1 or 2 I liked but the most I did not and also within my meditation I was able to keep up a clean mind but things just came up right after stopping the occupation within the 'practices'. It seemed like I was not really changing but I was proving to myself constantly that I can change, I can change, I should be calm as I see that I can change, but not actually change within the fear of then I might lose direction and lost in experience.
I always had my default attitude to just absorb everything until I explode and then actually do and experience something and that was energetically extremely intense however it was still of a timeloop within I approached several transcendance points and then I missed to stand without the duality of the mind and I had to scout my intent around the methods with what I could indirectly drive myself into an other chance of practical realization.
But it was always flawed with the idea of fear in a way: comparison, wanting to prove, definition of worthiness and appreciation and energy addiction, identification.
Energy itself is nothing - but to see, realize, understand it's dynamics and how it is created from and as physical existence is the realisation and the starting point to let go.
My very decision to do art was that I've initially judged myself as more likely as an engineer, architect, overmind wherein I was like the most far away from myself is to perform art - art, what seems like channeling some outstanding expression which is unique and directly self without any limit and to forget our minds, desires, fears and just express and express and express without any stop and that challenged me so then I studied music, painting, travelled around continents with my instruments and played along and learned to open up, let go to stop this urge to prove and stabilize my worthiness for myself and others.
I've seen all the possibilities of who I can become: a guru, a general, a politician or even a businessman but these I did not like as I wanted to be more 'unconscious' yet 'aware' so I wanted have grasp art and with that ability:
-to prove myself that if I can be artist, that means I can change myself to whatever I want(because I originally perceived myself pretty much anything but artist)
-to have an artistic ability to express myself and point of views, realizations to share myself
-to come to the point of being able to 'trust' myself to a degree to just be myself
Then I explored computer music production, percussion, jewsharp, working in art shop, juggling, living on street, basking, everything what pushed me to expressing myself directly 'out' without internal conversation, without even having time for doubt.
That assisted me a lot but still I was unable to trust myself as this was still external stimulation - what I did but when I came back home it stopped - so I started to understand how I can stimulate myself into states of mind - and where are my weaknesses and strengths - helps a lot to face people, unknown people who do not hold back to express their reaction towards me.
So then I got critique, positive and negative as well and then with music I faced a wall - wall of my perfection what did not allow through anything what I did not enjoy from my full of beingness.
With juggling I was not aware but I was preparing myself for dancing - I never understood, felt dancing before but after a while playing devil sticks and juggling clubs - I felt like I am dancing already so then I was able to learn the joy of dancing.
One occasion was enough to chemically induce my shy closedness to turn into becoming dance itself and realizing that the physical movement is who I am directly so then since that I am dancing joyfully - that assisted me a lot for letting go the strive for art but still my starting point was of the mind, so it was never consistent, stable but stimulated, directed by past, future, so my present was always in duality, conflict.
I've lost my trust in the world(what lead me to trust myself here) in Asia and I did let go all spiritual mumbo jumbo and I was able to realize the most powerful thing is this moment I have and express myself and in the moment I stop this, I am dead - so to become alive is to live in all moments like there is nothing next - and to actually push myself into and as the moment.
I had some near death experiences which through I realized - there is nothing to lose actually as I have lost everything already - I must walk up from that moment by moment.
After all I've became familiar with Desteni tools, people, education, correction and with that I was able to put my starting point right where I am: here, always here, in and as my breath as the very moment I always exist as and from the principle of equality and oneness I started to face my creation from a very practical yet deeply profound point of view.
That gives me the edge of Self-honesty to be able to see what is not the direction I want to go anymore, such as self-judgments, doubt, burning desires, worries and comparison and I had to realize I have a unique skillset for changing what anyone can grasp if opens up enough to understand facts.
Then I've started this blog in January of 2008 to share my walking through of any separation from all what is here.
This Mind through we perceive ourselves separated and different is quite hidden from all of us however within the right direction, through a proper education one can start to learn common sense, to see with a very different eyes with what everything will start to make sense and our life becomes more simple - not easier, especially when directly seeing the consequences, responsibilities we have - but it is more obvious and simple about what to do in order to equalize ourselves and our society, the system and focus on to practical solutions.
Within sharing myself I've started to explore VLOGging, meaning talking head and sharing it and see what the world reacts, what I do react and to stop my reaction and remain inner silent. For me it was always a strive, a battle - what then I realized - with inner conflict, I can not stop my self-dishonesty: my separation from what is really going on here, so I had to realize I must understand my conflicts and solve them practically.
My conflicts were always like not having enough time, around relationships, women, artistic perfection and monetary limits until this year I realized as long as I accept conflict within - I accept conflict outside of me as well.
So to stop the conflict within I stop, I let all go, I see what I am within and I decide and act and if I make mistake - I do not judge but again: I stop, I see, I breathe, I decide and act. That for there is no need thinking, feeling: I just express directly, like a newborn, naturally yet aware of details, consequences, starting point as myself.
I've started to make videos, not just VLOGs, but some animation with some practical knowledge, like Fuzzy logic, understanding the mind and somehow I came to the conclusion that with images and sounds together I am more stimulated, others as well, so I started to experiment with videos. I have so much to share, to explain, to understand, some things it is easier to show than just explain.
In that time I had limited computer hardware and software so I was struggling and I always pushed the edge - there were so many mistakes, so much unfinished, failed projects yet there were some promising things so I kept making videos, kept learning about composition, recording, post work day by day, week by week, year by year and now I have some skills I can not doubt anymore.
My hands are doing the job while recording, compositing, mixing - without separation, without judgment, without thinking, without fear.
That I never appreciated, I never estimated how much I've learnt through the last years and never allowed myself to realize: I do not need to strive or reach out for art anymore: whatever art means, I do not have to doubt myself.
No need to see more art movies for 'study' or 'learn' art - not required to judge my expression as not worthy anymore. Yet I do not say I am perfect or I am great artist - I simply say I stopped the ridiculous backchats and addiction to prove to myself that I can be artist, that's such a bullshit.
That was the same I realized in this summer while going to trance festivals - I created myself in a way that within trance dance I was able to stop the thoughts, enjoy silence and feel presence - so I was obsessed with dancing, with trance, with mind-methods, however with walking Desteni tools I realized - I can reproduce silence, peace without dancing, without anything external, just with applying the Principle, Self-forgiveness, Self-direction within Self-change through stopping the patterns what are not Self-honest. So then going into dancing has became not just joy because of what I can achieve with, not because it is my 'method' of silence, peace and physical presence - but simply because it is myself - no need to dance for experiencing myself - but if I do - I do it not for that reason - I simply dance as self in the moment. That is quite a topic I will expand later as many go to these parties with drugs to probably have that experience, to reproduce, to achieve that state of feel of self while this starting point will always leave some amount of strive for more fullfilled satisfaction.
I've tested myself within dancing extensively, especially with my style of dancing: 'russian' psychedelic "hitech" trance - and still visiting these events but not for any achievment - only expressing, sharing who I am without any superficion.
To return to innocence and not yet lost in the details but remain resonant to any levels, details of our whole existence is simply available through applying Self-honesty, Writing and Self-forgiveness and really LIVE it - this is the most fearful thing to any human to do, because anything one believed, thought, felt before will go and something more alive will be discovered, explored.
And I am sure there are some people who are kind of advanced already within their physical consistency, just watching these outstanding dancers recently how they are aware of the details of their each movements: that is physical awareness already - which is much-much more than just meditating but to actually living the body directly here: I am grateful to experience such beings.
I have different views with the most beloved words humans use such love, beauty as I see the other part of the polarity as well, destruction, abuse and horror for many humans, lifeforms and to see everything undefined: there is no such any beauty what is worthy if it is of any abuse. And there are some establishments in this human system actually what are abusing beyond any measure with each of ourselves participating: the monetary system which denies to value LIFE itself, but only the competition of some winning and most of them losing, the energy wars towards resources, surviving, piling up property while in fact we are equally made from clay, water and the unconditional LOVE of the Sun, Earth which we never could reproduce to such degree on what we get - and to realize that this world is not beautiful, nature is not beautiful, we, humans are not beautiful overally - and any individual is representing the whole system as equal as one - so if anyone is being hurt - that is the responsibility what all others must be faced.
This does not mean one must be a monk, a self-restricting, self-denial robot-zombie - still possible a way to express, still enjoy ourselves but within the consideration of all as well as it is an individual expression of Life what we each represent - Life is all we are with no exception and to agree on values of each of us could grant such changes within our society quite fast, so then we could really ensure to love our neighbor as ourselves.
But to be able to have this direct unification with any part of this existence is possible, not just in art - that should be the gate which through something can be lived what is more aware, direct, responsible for all of us and stand up for all life.
That I define art to be: to become the representative of all life equally and express that in all moments breath by breath on all levels, moments of human existence.
Not just in areas of music, painting, sculpturing, dancing, juggling etc but in all areas of life - even economic, political manifestations of ourselves require this sense of Art as Life and then actually we could realize points what can lead us to practically explore how to make the SYSTEM to be Loving, Beautiful in the way as supporting and giving to everyone.
Not as currently the human system is being ruthless, unhuman and not respecting LIFE but energy, mind, consciousness - disregarding the physical and praising experience, which will not last and always conditioned to: substance from which we are formed, which through we are manifested as equal as one as Earth.
So thank you for being part of this existence and enjoy Self-honesty and see when the thoughts move and I am sure you can realize that it is not the most perfect state of being - look at all the greatest moments in your life: there are no thoughts - if there was any - then there was separation, doubt, fear, desire or comparison, energy: that is not necessary and in fact is in the way of live without separation/limitation AS existence.
What also I realized that I am here to judge no one - not even myself - so to stop judgment is the first step I stabilize here.
Just like in this writing series about TV, Movie: I am letting go these and it is not I was slave of these but I had some judgments about these without being aware that by these jugments I was influencing myself, filtering out reality in a way I did not see, so writing all my mind assists me to see: is that real, is that me, is that really life or just compromise?
Thank you very much, feel free to respond